Don Palmer
28th May 2005, 12:42 PM
Found this article searching ('quality humor') on the web today. I don't see the humor. Do you?
I am pleased to inform you that Big Lots, alias McFrugal's, carries a product called "P______ B____ smoked sausage." This is the wee can for $ .50 which has about eight small pallid wiener type sausages in it and a lot of semi-ambulating gelatinous substance to add weight and make the 5 oz. content claims legal.
We bought some of these in tiny tins, having previously feasted on other brands of this source of animal byproducts and preserving chemicals. Having gotten a real taste for the genuine chemicals over the years, we were very put off by the flavor of P______ B____ porkies. They tasted like the south end of the cow walking north.
So, in desperation, and at great sacrifice, we gave them to Tessa, our faithful boxer dog. She ate them and promptly threw up. This worried us a bit-- Not that we had eaten such alleged food, but the fact that we did NOT throw up made us wonder. I fear we have become hardened to the cuisine of modern food peddlers and have lost our ability to respond normally.
Well, we decided, in good American fashion, to check the contents of the can AFTER we had partially eaten the contents. Smart, eh? Here are the healthy and nutritious ingredients:
Mechanically separated chicken, water, beef tripe, pork skins, pork spleens, salt, no more than 2% soy protein isolate, pork stomachs, flavorings, sodium phosphate, sodium nitrite, oleoresin of paprika, and smoke flavoring.
Now, I can eat almost anything you serve me, but I want to know who cleaned the tripe. I have to wonder if the same machine that separated the head of the chicken from the "protein rich" toes also did the beef tripe. That machine may need a fine tuning folks. Also, I am concerned to learn I have been eating all the remains left behind by the hog after it left the Chicago Mercantile to be raised to distinction as a honey roasted ham.
The only thing in the above list which I recall eating without some offense, at a Chinese restaurant in Los Angeles, is the soy protein, and these people only let me have a measly 2% at that. Flavorings-- You better believe it bunky-- That stuff had flavor, but was it essence of floor sweepings, or was it last weeks chicken lips? The smoke flavor was totally overwhelmed by plumbing parts, or else I could have endured it. Smoke flavoring is an old American addition of prepared food which tells us that something strange was dropped in the cooking vat by accident, and the makers need something to cover the results. It works with almost everything except burning the toast, which is why we invented fire alarms.
Never mind, folks, The US Department of some sort of thing is watching out for us, and I am sure they would not let us eat something dangerous for our health. I can ssure youu that eathing theeese gooddd goo fooo goof foods (there, I got it) has no adverrsee effffects on you.
Want a fright? Check out your chorizo! Ugh! "Chorizo" must be Spanish for "R" rated parts of el puerco. No wonder they add half a pound of chili pepper.
[ For purposes of fairness to P_______ B____, this item was meant only in good clean fun, at least as clean as the tripe. In defense of the guilty, we note that P_______ B____ are the only people who have been honest enough to tell us, in plain English, what is in their product. All other tiny wiener makers use the same "select ingredients." Many other food processors have fooled the masses by calling these wieners "Vienna Sausages," which sounds so sophisticated and classy that most of you never asked a question, right?
This is like calling horse manure "road apples." ]
Bon Appétit :yuk:
I am pleased to inform you that Big Lots, alias McFrugal's, carries a product called "P______ B____ smoked sausage." This is the wee can for $ .50 which has about eight small pallid wiener type sausages in it and a lot of semi-ambulating gelatinous substance to add weight and make the 5 oz. content claims legal.
We bought some of these in tiny tins, having previously feasted on other brands of this source of animal byproducts and preserving chemicals. Having gotten a real taste for the genuine chemicals over the years, we were very put off by the flavor of P______ B____ porkies. They tasted like the south end of the cow walking north.
So, in desperation, and at great sacrifice, we gave them to Tessa, our faithful boxer dog. She ate them and promptly threw up. This worried us a bit-- Not that we had eaten such alleged food, but the fact that we did NOT throw up made us wonder. I fear we have become hardened to the cuisine of modern food peddlers and have lost our ability to respond normally.
Well, we decided, in good American fashion, to check the contents of the can AFTER we had partially eaten the contents. Smart, eh? Here are the healthy and nutritious ingredients:
Mechanically separated chicken, water, beef tripe, pork skins, pork spleens, salt, no more than 2% soy protein isolate, pork stomachs, flavorings, sodium phosphate, sodium nitrite, oleoresin of paprika, and smoke flavoring.
Now, I can eat almost anything you serve me, but I want to know who cleaned the tripe. I have to wonder if the same machine that separated the head of the chicken from the "protein rich" toes also did the beef tripe. That machine may need a fine tuning folks. Also, I am concerned to learn I have been eating all the remains left behind by the hog after it left the Chicago Mercantile to be raised to distinction as a honey roasted ham.
The only thing in the above list which I recall eating without some offense, at a Chinese restaurant in Los Angeles, is the soy protein, and these people only let me have a measly 2% at that. Flavorings-- You better believe it bunky-- That stuff had flavor, but was it essence of floor sweepings, or was it last weeks chicken lips? The smoke flavor was totally overwhelmed by plumbing parts, or else I could have endured it. Smoke flavoring is an old American addition of prepared food which tells us that something strange was dropped in the cooking vat by accident, and the makers need something to cover the results. It works with almost everything except burning the toast, which is why we invented fire alarms.
Never mind, folks, The US Department of some sort of thing is watching out for us, and I am sure they would not let us eat something dangerous for our health. I can ssure youu that eathing theeese gooddd goo fooo goof foods (there, I got it) has no adverrsee effffects on you.
Want a fright? Check out your chorizo! Ugh! "Chorizo" must be Spanish for "R" rated parts of el puerco. No wonder they add half a pound of chili pepper.
[ For purposes of fairness to P_______ B____, this item was meant only in good clean fun, at least as clean as the tripe. In defense of the guilty, we note that P_______ B____ are the only people who have been honest enough to tell us, in plain English, what is in their product. All other tiny wiener makers use the same "select ingredients." Many other food processors have fooled the masses by calling these wieners "Vienna Sausages," which sounds so sophisticated and classy that most of you never asked a question, right?
This is like calling horse manure "road apples." ]
Bon Appétit :yuk:
