Energy,

I wouldn't touch that with a ten foot ball retriever!

"Mommy is going to eat your fingers"

As the woman was trying to pack for vacation, her 3-year-old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point, she said, "Mom, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers. Trying to keep her entertained, the woman reached out and stuck her daughter’s fingers in her mouth and said, "Mommy gonna eat your fingers!" pretending to eat them before she rushed out of the room again.

When she returned, her daughter was standing on the bed, staring at her fingers, with a devastated look on her face.

She asked quietly, "What's wrong honey?"





"Mommy, where's my booger?"

Happy Easter to all, enjoy the Holiday folks. I think I have some exciting Peeps Jousting Matches to watch this weekend!!!!!
Haven't had this much fun sense I stopped blowing up GI Joes and army men with firecrackers!!!!
:biglaugh: :bigwave: :smokin: :ko:

I always seem to have trouble when posting a link in my messages so I hope this is right.

http://www.sparklet.com/~royce/trams/KnowJackSchitt.swf

**Link checked by Marc on 4-11 and disabled because it is 'broken'.**

Here's one that gets a smile from everyone

Heard about the vicar who met a small lad carrying a big bottle?

Vicar: -My what a big bottle of lemonade you have there.
Boy: -It's not lemonade, it's Hydrocloric acid....
Vicar: -Acid!!! -Now look, I'll tell you what: -I'll trade you that acid for this bottle of holy water (Anything to get the acid away from him).

The boy sullenly gave up his bottle, and the vicar tried to buck him up a bit:

Vicar: -Come now... -That holy water is more powerful than your acid in a way. -Last week I rubbed some of it on a pregnant girls tummy, and within a week she passed a baby girl...

Boy: -Pfffft, that's nothing... I just rubbed some of my acid on a dogs balls and within five seconds it passed a motorbike...

/Claes

After a long night of making love the young guy rolled over and
was looking around when he noticed a framed picture of another
man. The guy began to worry. "Is this your husband?"

"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.

"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.

"Well, who is he then?" asked the bewildered guy.

The girl replied, "That's me before the surgery.
:vfunny: :ko: :smokin:

The old Cherokee chief sat in his reservation hut,
smoking the ceremonial pipe, eyeing the two US
government officials sent to interview him.

"Chief Two Eagles," one official began, "you have
observed the white man for many generations, you
have seen his wars and his products, you have
seen all his progress, and all his problems."

The chief nodded. The official
continued, "Considering recent events, in your
opinion, where has the white man gone wrong?"

The chief stared at the government officials for
over a minute, and then calmly replied: "When white
man found this land, Indians were running it.
No taxes. No debt. Plenty buffalo. Plenty beaver.
Women did most of the work. Medicine man free.
Indian men hunted and fished all the time."

The chief smiled, and added quietly, "White man dumb
enough to think he could improve system like that?"

*** Sometimes process improvement isn't ***:vfunny: :biglaugh:

The doctor tells an 85 year old man that he needs to give him a sperm sample before he can make a diagnosis. He gives him a jar with a cover on it and tells him to come back with the semen tomorrow.

The next day the guy shows up with an empty bottle and says to the Dr. "First I used my right hand and it didn't work. Then I used my left hand and no luck. I used both hands and still no results. So then I asked my wife to help me. She used both hands, put it in her mouth, teeth in, teeth out and no results. Then we decided to ask our younger, more fit neighbor to help. She stuck it under her arm pit and even put it between her legs and you see that I still have an empty bottle."

The Dr. was amazed and said "Didn't your wife mind if the neighbor lady helped?"

The old guy replied, "What else could we do? The lid was screwed on so tight that none of us could get the bottle opened." :smokin:

An 80 year old man went to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor was
amazed at what good shape
the guy was in. He asked, "To what do you attribute your good health?"
The old timer replied, "I'm a turkey hunter. That's why I'm in such good
shape. I'm up well
before daylight, out chasing turkey's up and down the hills."
"Well, I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was
your dad when he died?"
The old timer snapped, "Who said my dad's dead?"
"You mean you're 80 years old and your dad's still alive? How old is he?"
the amazed doctor asked.
"He's 100 years old! In fact, he hunted turkey with me this morning, and
that's why he's still alive!
He's a turkey hunter!", the feisty 80 year old fired back.
"Well, that's great," replied the Doc, "but I'm sure there's more to it. How
about your dad's dad?
How old was he when he died?"
"Who said my grandpa's dead?"
"You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! How old
is he?
The old timer shot back, "He's 118 years old."
The doctor was getting frustrated at this point and said, "I guess he went
turkey hunting with you
this morning too?"
"Nope," replied the old timer. "Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he
got married."
"Got married!!! Why would a 118 year old guy want to get married?"
The old timer said," Who said he wanted to?"

energy, did you suck the water cooler dry again?:confused:

I was wondering where folks went myself.

As far as energy sucking down the water cooler. Hmm.... depending on what kind of energy he is, it could have some interesting effects...no?:vfunny:

Cartoon Laws of Physics


Cartoon Law I
-------------

Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of its
situation.

Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland. He loiters in
midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to look down. At this
point, the familiar principle of 32 feet per second per second takes over.

Cartoon Law II
--------------

Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid matter
intervenes suddenly.

Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on foot, cartoon characters
are so absolute in their momentum that only a telephone pole or an outsize
boulder retards their forward motion absolutely. Sir Isaac Newton called
this sudden termination of motion the stooge's surcease.



Cartoon Law III
---------------

Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation conforming
to its perimeter.

Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the specialty of
victims of directed-pressure explosions and of reckless cowards who are so
eager to escape that they exit directly through the wall of a house,
leaving a cookie-cutout-perfect hole. The threat of skunks or matrimony
often catalyzes this reaction.

Cartoon Law IV
--------------

The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is greater than or
equal to the time it takes for whoever knocked it off the ledge to spiral
down twenty flights to attempt to capture it unbroken.

Such an object is inevitably priceless, the attempt to capture it
inevitably unsuccessful.

Cartoon Law V
-------------

All principles of gravity are negated by fear.

Psychic forces are sufficient in most bodies for a shock to propel them
directly away from the earth's surface. A spooky noise or an adversary's
signature sound will induce motion upward, usually to the cradle of a
chandelier, a treetop, or the crest of a flagpole. The feet of a character
who is running or the wheels of a speeding auto need never touch the
ground, especially when in flight.

Cartoon Law VI
--------------

As speed increases, objects can be in several places at once.

This is particularly true of tooth-and-claw fights, in which a character's
head may be glimpsed emerging from the cloud of altercation at several
places simultaneously. This effect is common as well among bodies that are
spinning or being throttled.

A 'wacky' character has the option of self-replication only at manic high
speeds and may ricochet off walls to achieve the velocity required.

Cartoon Law VII
---------------

Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble tunnel
entrances; others cannot.

This trompe l'oeil inconsistency has baffled generations, but at least it
is known that whoever paints an entrance on a wall's surface to trick an
opponent will be unable to pursue him into this theoretical space.

The painter is flattened against the wall when he attempts to follow into
the painting. This is ultimately a problem of art, not of science.


Cartoon Law VIII
----------------

Any violent rearrangement of feline matter is impermanent.

Cartoon cats possess even more deaths than the traditional nine lives might
comfortably afford. They can be decimated, spliced, splayed,
accordion-pleated, spindled, or disassembled, but they cannot be destroyed.
After a few moments of blinking self pity, they re-inflate, elongate, snap
back, or solidify.

Corollary:
A cat will assume the shape of its container.



Cartoon Law IX
--------------

Everything falls faster than an anvil.


Cartoon Law X
-------------

For every vengeance there is an equal and opposite re-vengeance.

This is the one law of animated cartoon motion that also applies to the
physical world at large. For that reason, we need the relief of watching
it happen to a duck instead.


Cartoon Law XI
--------------

Cartoon characters never need to go to the hospital to receive first aid.

Upon emerging from a huge scrap, the losing character will invariably be
covered in crossed-over sticking plasters and bandages, and quite often be
walking with the aid of a crutch.


Cartoon Law XII
---------------

Cartoon characters do not obey the traditional laws of hair re-growth.

Whatever the damage to a character, whether it be having all of its hair
frazzled by an explosion or its fur shaved by a lawnmower, in the next
scene the hair will doubtless be fully re-grown.


Cartoon Law Amendment A
-----------------------

A sharp object will always propel a character upward.

When poked (usually in the buttocks) with a sharp object (usually a pin), a
character will defy gravity by shooting straight up, with great velocity.


Cartoon Law Amendment B
-----------------------

The laws of object permanence are nullified for "cool" characters.

Characters who are intended to be "cool" can make previously nonexistent
objects appear from behind their backs at will. For instance, the Road
Runner can materialize signs to express himself without speaking.



Cartoon Law Amendment C
-----------------------

Explosive weapons cannot cause fatal injuries.

They merely turn characters temporarily black and smoky.

Cartoon Law Amendment D
-----------------------

Gravity is transmitted by slow-moving waves of large wavelengths.

Their operation can be witnessed by observing the behavior of a canine
suspended over a large vertical drop. Its feet will begin to fall first,
causing its legs to stretch. As the wave reaches its torso, that part will
begin to fall, causing the neck to stretch. As the head begins to fall,
tension is released and the canine will resume its regular proportions
until such time as it strikes the ground.


Cartoon Law Amendment E
-----------------------

Dynamite is spontaneously generated in "C-spaces" (spaces in which
cartoon laws hold).

The process is analogous to steady-state theories of the universe which
postulated that the tensions involved in maintaining a space would cause
the creation of hydrogen from nothing. Dynamite quanta are quite large
(stick sized) and unstable (lit). Such quanta are attracted to psychic
forces generated by feelings of distress in "cool" characters (see
Amendment B, which may be a special case of this law), who are able to use
said quanta to their advantage. One may imagine C-spaces where all matter
and energy result from primal masses of dynamite exploding. A big bang
indeed.

Randy-

This is an absolutely great treatise on cartoon law. I'm printing it out to save.

But it does make me think that you broke a leg or something and spent entirely too much time in front of a TV. Heaven help us if you ever decide to do something similar with Soap Operas.

Thanks for the material.

Alf

db said:
As far as energy sucking down the water cooler. Hmm.... depending on what kind of energy he is, it could have some interesting effects...no?:vfunny:

db,

Too deep for me!:biglaugh: I was at a lost to following up on the sperm joke. I had to wait until others posted some jokes so that I wouldn't have to glimpse it again.:bonk: :ko: :smokin:

Can't take all the credit. A couple we added, but majority of them were done by others.

Glad you enjoyed them.

Stew, you missed one:


Cartoon Law XIII
---------------

Cartoon characters show as x-rays when electrocuted.

This phenomenon occurs whenever a cartoon character touches electricity. They move to the side, spread eagle and their bones show through their bodies. It is surmised that the graphite used in cartooning amplifies this effect.

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club, showering, getting changed for the 19th hole when a cell phone on a bench rings, a man picks it up, engages the hands-free speaker function, and begins a conversation (M=man, W=woman):

M: "Hello?"
W: "Honey, it's me are you at the club?"
M: "Yes."
W: "Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are I just saw a beautiful leather coat. It's absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"
M: "What's the price?"
W: "Only $1,000."
M: "Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much."
W: "Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2002 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman, and he gave me a really good price...and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year..."
M: "What price did he quote you?"
W: "Only $60,000."
M: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
W: "Great! But before we hang up, something else........"
M: "What?"
W: " I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we looked at last year. It's for sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property."
M: "How much are they asking?"
W: "Only $450,000 - a magnificent price!! It may seem like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account...and I see that we have enough in the bank to cover the down."
M: "Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid up to $420,000 OK?"
W: "OK, sweetie...Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"
M: "Bye...I love you too..."

The man hangs up and closes the phone's flap. The other men are looking at him in astonishment and derision. The man holds up the phone and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

While taxiing the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.

The irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming:

"US Air 2771, where are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C's and D's, but get it right! "

Continuing her tirade to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically:

"God, you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally the ground control frequency went terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to engage the irate ground controller in her current state. Tension in every cockpit at LGA was running high. Then an unknown pilot broke the silence and asked,

"Wasn't I married to you once?"

As a former Cop myself. this is for former Cop Randy:

A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the
trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed and, in general,
began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer
uncomfortable.

Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was
doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around
his head.

The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are
ya?"

The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said--"Well yeah, if that's
what they are -- I never heard of circle flies."

So the farmer says, "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See,
they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling
around the back end of a horse."

The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after
a minute he stops and says, "Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call
me a horse's ***?"

The farmer says, "Oh no, Officer. I have too much respect for law
enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a
horse's ***."

The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing
the ticket.

After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though."
:biglaugh:

A redneck, a sheep, and a dog were survivors of a terrible
ship wreck. They found themselves stranded on a desert island.

After being there a while, they got into the habit of going
to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down. One
particular evening, the sky was red with beautiful cirrus
clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect night for
romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking
better and better to the redneck. Soon, he leaned over to
the sheep and put his arm around it. But the dog got jealous,
growling fiercely until the redneck took his arm from around
the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy
the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by, and lo and behold, there was another
Ship wreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman,
the most beautiful woman the redneck had ever seen. She was
in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, so they slowly
nursed her back to health.

When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to
their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening:
red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze; perfect for
a night of romance. Pretty soon, the redneck started to get
"those feelings" again.

He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in
and leaned over to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered
in her ear...

"Would you mind terribly taking the dog for a walk?"

For those of you who like puzzles (remember "Where's Waldo?") the attached should give you a few moments of enjoyement.

It's called, Where's the Bird?.... :D

ACTUAL SENTENCES FOUND ON PATIENTS' HOSPITAL CHARTS

1) She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was hot in bed last night.
2) Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
3) On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
4) The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
5) The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
6) Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.
7) Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
8) The patient refused autopsy. (good choice!)
9) The patient has no previous history of suicides.
10) Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
11) Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past 3 days
12) Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
13) Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
14) Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might want to work her up.
15) She is numb from her toes down.
16) While in ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
17) The skin was moist and dry.
18) Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
19) Patient was alert and unresponsive.
20) Rectal examination revealed a normal sized thyroid.
21) She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until got a divorce.
22) I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
23) Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
24) Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
25) The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
26) The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.
27) Skin: somewhat pale but present.
28) The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
29) Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
30) Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
31) Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

A man is in a hot air ballon floating over the counrtyside, he is trying to get to go to a friend's for a drink. He realises that he is lost so looking for a familiar landmark he see two people on the ground.

He decends closer to the ground and shouts to the two people "I'm a bit lost can you tell me where I am?"

"Sure" comes the reply "your presently at 22 degrees longitude by 6 degress latitude".

"Thanks" yells the man in the balloon "Your an engineer arn't you?"

"I am, how do you know?"

"Your precision to the location and your willingness to help!"

"Your a manager arn't you?"

"I am how did you guess?"

"Well you have got to where you are by a lot of hot air, you don't know where you are going, you make promises you know you can't keep and finally you depend on people bellow you to sort the problems of your making!":bonk: :bonk:

swappyd said:

A man is in a hot air ballon floating over the counrtyside, he is trying to get to go to a friend's for a drink. He realises that he is lost so looking for a familiar landmark he see two people on the ground.

He decends closer to the ground and shouts to the two people "I'm a bit lost can you tell me where I am?"

"Sure" comes the reply "your presently at 22 degrees longitude by 6 degress latitude".

"Thanks" yells the man in the balloon "Your an engineer arn't you?"

"I am, how do you know?"

"Your precision to the location and your willingness to help!"

"Your a manager arn't you?"

"I am how did you guess?"

"Well you have got to where you are by a lot of hot air, you don't know where you are going, you make promises you know you can't keep and finally you depend on people bellow you to sort the problems of your making!":bonk: :bonk:

Another version from across the seas.

Laura said:

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and
spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can
you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't
know where I am."
The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately
30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude
and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is, technically
correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is
I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything,
you've delayed my trip."
The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going.
You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made
a promise which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath
you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position
you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault. :lick: :bigwave:

Sorry for this post, but I just have this thing for summer re-runs.

:smokin:

Well I had drunk more than a few pints of Theakstons Old P that night

Quality at it's best......

This is a totally true tale of close but no Cigar.

I was given a callendar by an college friend who works for an American (Automotive supply) company. On looking through the tastefull and usual photographs I noticed that there is no 4 July but two 12 September!

Long live QC!!!

If anybody in the US can explain why! I would just love to know!

Keep the humor coming It brightens my day!:vfunny: :cool:

Probably those bloody Afghan's.

Kinda spooky though dont you think ?

I think they took that old joke about "Do they have a 4th of July in England" seriously. You know, they didn't want to remind you how you got your butts kicked!!!!!:biglaugh:
Just kidding this is the humor thread.

I love you "former colonists"!!

:biglaugh: :biglaugh:

And I love your Tennets Larger and your Page 2 Girls!!!!!
:bigwave: :biglaugh: :thedeal:

A lady had been married to a farmer all of her life. They had cows and horses on their farm and also grew a number of crops for sale at the local farmers market. While shopping at the local grocery store for a few items that she and her husband did not raise themselves, she came across a contest form while in the store. It was for Carnation canned Milk.

So she completed their jingle and mailed off to the Carnation Milk Company in an effort to win a cash prize which had been offered for the best entry regarding those little cans of milk found on grocery shelves. Carnation had furnished the first line of jingle
with these words:

"I like Carnation best of all ...."

The submitter had only to complete the remainder of the jingle on their entry form. Each contestant could only use 50 words or less.

A couple of months later, the woman was surprised when a Carnation Milk representative came to her door and told her that her entry was the best one submitted. However it was fortunate that the company could not publish it.

In lieu of that latter fact, they had decided that her entry was worth at least a consolation award and provided her with a company check in the amount of $1,000 for her creativity.

Here is her entry:

I like Carnation best of all,
No tits to pull, no s**t to haul.
No barns to clean, no hay to pitch,
Just punch a hole in the son of a b***h.

And I love your Tennets Larger and your Page 2 Girls!!!!!

All you'll find on Page 2 over here is the queen, PM or 'The Sun Says..'

Randy, I think you mean page 3.


BTW: Over here, we'd call you sad for saying that!:) :)

And also, if you said that over here you'd probably be known and Randy Randy!! :vfunny: :vfunny:

Lau.

I guess it is true that the mind is the first to go! You're right of course Laura - it was Page 3. I lived in Scotland around the Largs (it's easier to spell than where I actually lived) area for 3 years. Got ribbed about my nick name then, and it started up again over here after the "Austin Powers" movies!!!! I enjoyed the people and the country. Once accepted into the Pub "family" they really made me feel at home. Something we here in the states don't see much of anymore, especially around the big cities.
Ta (sp?) Mate!
:bigwave:

Driving to the office this morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my
left and there was a woman in a brand new Mustang doing 65 miles per hour
with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner! I
looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back, she was halfway
over in my lane, still working on that makeup!!!
It scared me (I'm a man) so bad, I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked
the donut out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to
straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it
knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between
my legs, splashed and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the **** phone
and DISCONNECTED AN IMPORTANT CALL!!!!!!!
**** WOMEN DRIVERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dan, evidently down in WV, they don't have those neat "hands free" cell phone features like we have in the big city. If you had, you could have been filling out your dayplanner as well!:vfunny:

A few years ago while working at the University of Miami Law School, one of our more colorful law students was telling me about the ticket he had just received.

He said he was on his way to class (driving), trying to finish typing up some notes on his lap top, scarfing down some lunch (board-of-fair: Pizza), talking on the cell phone (pre hands-free days unless you had LOTS of money) and reading his assignment for class. :bonk:

He was pulled over by the police. According to my friend, the officer said he saw alot of things going on... none of which was driving. I believe the fine was in the $300 range... :vfunny:

Ya just gotta love Miami.

Cheers!

Well you yank's don't know what "Real beer" is!! i mean Bud what can I say! I've drunk water that was stronger. But then again what can you expect for a place that no longer has the cultural guidance from such a historic nation as this.......


You should look at the other page 'cos the one's on page three are much better.:biglaugh: :vfunny: :bonk:

Okay, let's compare:

US: Elvis
UK: Beatles

US: Jessey Ventura
UK: ?

US: Sylvester Stalone
UK: That over the hill former Bond guy

US: Hockey Opps that was Canada
UK: Cricket

US: Hillary
UK: The Queen

US: Harley
UK: Triumpth


Hmmmmmmmmmmm

:smokin:

Michael T.,

I c&p your story to show my husband.....his comment/reaction....do you expect any less from those nutbags!

LOL,

CarolX

CarolX said:

Michael T.,

I c&p your story to show my husband.....his comment/reaction....do you expect any less from those nutbags!

LOL,

CarolX

LOL....

Yeah.... I kinda miss some of the stupidity I saw driving around there. I actually saw two cars shooting it out at each other on I-95 northbound one afternoon. Needless to say I gave them PLENTY of room.

I pity Marc... he's there now.... :eek:

Cheers!

Michael T said:



LOL....

Yeah.... I kinda miss some of the stupidity I saw driving around there. I actually saw two cars shooting it out at each other on I-95 northbound one afternoon. Needless to say I gave them PLENTY of room.

I pity Marc... he's there now.... :eek:

Cheers!

:eek: :eek: :eek: I couldn't agree more! Although he is just visiting, so he may not get to see some of the outrages stupidity that goes on.

As the old saying goes...nice place to visit, wouldn't want to live there.

CarolX

Dave,

Know why the Brits are not known for production of televisions?

Seems they have yet to figure out how to get them to leak oil on the driveway...

Yeh nice weather isn't it!!

10 great things to come from the United Kingdom

1. An empire.
2. Joey Dunlop.
3. Pneumatic tyres.
4. The CD player.
5. The gas turbine engine.
6. Tarmac roads.
7. Winston churchill.
8. Humor.
9. Irony.
10. Modesty.


:biglaugh: :biglaugh:

db

Liked your comparisons - they really show the US culture for what its worth :vfunny:

M Greenaway said:
db
Liked your comparisons - they really show the US culture for what its worth :vfunny:

I think this little song by Johnny Horton may be responsible for some cultural differences.

In 1814 we took a little trip
Along with Colonel Jackson down the mighty Mississip
We took a little bacon and we took a little beans
And we caught the bloody ******* in the town of New Orleans

We fired our guns and the ******* kept a'comin'
There wasn't nigh as many as there was a while ago
We fired once more and they began to runnin'
On down the Mississippi to the Gulf of Mexico

We looked down the river and we seed the ******* come
And there must have been a hundred of 'em beatin' on the drum
They stepped so high and they made their bugles ring
We stood behind our cotton bales and didn't say a thing

Old Hickory said we could take 'em by surprise
If we didn't fire our muskets till we looked 'em in the eyes
We held our fire till we seed their faces well
Then we opened up our squirrel guns and gave 'em..
Well... we...

We fired our cannon till the barrel melted down
So we grabbed an alligator and we fought another round
We filled his head with cannonballs 'n' powdered his behind
And when we touched the powder off, the gator lost his mind

We fired our guns and the ****** kept a'comin'
There wasn't nigh as many as there was a while ago
We fired once more and they began to runnin'
On down the Mississippi to the Gulf of Mexico

Yeah they ran through the briars and they ran through the brambles
And they ran through the bushes where a rabbit couldn't go
They ran so fast that the hounds couldn't catch 'em
On down the Mississippi to the Gulf of Mexico

I love it!

:ko: :smokin:

Thank heaven for the Brits!

They may not have mastered keeping motorized vehicles out of the shop and on the road, but they certainly have no equal at the pedantic reply!

BTW: Apparently you have missed the elocution of several of our Presidents...

Jim Jim Jim……I didn’t start this. I’m quite proud of your PM and his stand. As for becoming the 51st state, surely you jest. I think that being a good friend, to me, is much more stately. It’s too bad that some your citizenry doesn’t hold him in the same esteem.

As far as mastery of the English language goes, I would rather judge a person by their actions anytime, rather than the Snake Oil Salesman who sells you because he can articulate to your satisfaction. Do I detect that aroma of pomposity and arrogance in the air?

Pedantic? I like that one , Bruce. Drove me to the dictionary again. You do that to me quite frequently. Obviously, my vocabulary is sorely lacking in the some areas.

But, Jimbo, I do know what mendacious and nefarious means even when it's covered up with Snake Oil. :vfunny:

:ko: :smokin:

energy said:

Pedantic? I like that one , Bruce. Drove me to the dictionary again. You do that to me quite frequently. Obviously, my vocabulary is sorely lacking in the some areas.



Methinks the proliferation of Bruces in this forum is making your head spin. Last time it was me, this time it's Bruce Wade (no relation).

Now, about your vocabulary...

The other Bruce

Bruce Epstein said:



Methinks the proliferation of Bruces in this forum is making your head spin. Last time it was me, this time it's Bruce Wade (no relation).

Now, about your vocabulary...

The other Bruce

OOPS!:bonk: That happens when you get old. You nailed me good, BE. I can handle it. Mea Culpa! :ko: :smokin:

Jim Wade said:



Now now energy. Behave.

We are no longer proud of our imperialist past and we are indeed gradually becoming a US satellite. I'm sure revenge is sweet. No need to rub it in.


Jim

Jim,
At the risk of becoming too serious in a Humor (or is it Humour) thread, You folks shouldn't be too hard on yourselves. I have always found it ineresting that much of the British Empire evolved into the Commonwealth of Nations. I know of on other Empire in history that pulled that off. I'd say kudos on that one.

Now about the language thing....... We have trouble understanding each other over here, (north vs south vs east vs west vs young vs old vs politically correct vs city vs rural vs ......)

Ah well such is life.

Cheerio Pip Pip ... and all that sort of Rot.

James

M Greenaway said:

db

Liked your comparisons - they really show the US culture for what its worth :vfunny:

Britain is the only country in the world where the food is more dangerous than the sex. Jackie Mason

The English think soap is civilization, and dental care is beyond comprehension

The Englishman who has lost his fortune is said to have died of a broken heart.Ralph Waldo Emerson

Jim Wade said:



Blimey and stone the flippin' crows guvnor - a Yank with a balanced view! Me trouble 'n' strife'd never 'ave Adam and Eved it! Strike a light!

Thanks James (great first name too).

Ta ta for now Jim


Jim,
Tanks ya man. Now if'n we cin jus git y'all ta call an elevator an elevator.......:bonk:

Jim

Jim Wade said:



By the way, I have it on good authority - from elsewhere in this fine place - that "y'all" is incorrect and would mark you out as not a true Southerner.

It appears that "ya'll" is the correct spelling. I hope I got that right (dumb limey).

Hey, thanks Jim, this is the first time in 19 months that it was not I was on the receiving end of a "Yankee Re-education" comment!!


To JRKH, it happens to the best of us! ROFLMAO

:biglaugh:

SteelMaiden said:



Hey, thanks Jim, this is the first time in 19 months that it was not I was on the receiving end of a "Yankee Re-education" comment!!


To JRKH, it happens to the best of us! ROFLMAO

:biglaugh:



Well now I guess I'm busted again.
Tis true I ain't no southerner. Just an old country boy from Southwestern Ohio. The only place in the world where we say

"Please?" When we mean "Would you repeat that?"

Ahh well such is life.

Which reminds me of an old joke (gettin' late here in Ohio)

Seems this feller from up in the hills came down to visit some well to do cousins in the tidewater area of Virginia.
While visiting they were invited to go on a fox hunt. The fellow was a good rider, and was curious so itwas decided.
On the day of the hunt all the riders met early and were having a grand time getting to know one another before dashing off after the hounds.
Soon the horn sounded and they were off across the fields. It was a gloroious afternoon and the ride was thrilling. Our fellow had the time of his life.
After the ride though everyone turned very cold. His new found aquaintances barely spoke to him. Finally he pulled his relative aside and asked what was wrong.

His cousin heaved as sigh and said, " Well the thing is, when you see the fox you're supposed to call out 'Tally ho, the fox', not 'There goes the son of a b***h

James

I personally prefer the Scottish twist of English, aye laddie!

Alistair Stuart.............:)

I love to watch this bantering from my nice seat here at ringside (Now where's the popcorn...?). Keep going. English is not my native language, so I'm sort of neutral here, but I think the Limeys are ahead in the points...?

I wonder if I should have a go at some fellow scandinavians after watching this? Oi! Any scandinavians around?

/Claes

:D :vfunny: :ko:

Claes

Only our national football (soccer) team manager, but you cant knock him cos he's shaggin Ulrika Johnson !!

Claes Gefvenberg said:

I love to watch this bantering from my nice seat here at ringside (Now where's the popcorn...?). Keep going. English is not my native language, so I'm sort of neutral here, but I think the Limeys are ahead in the points...?

I wonder if I should have a go at some fellow scandinavians after watching this? Oi! Any scandinavians around?

/Claes

:D :vfunny: :ko:

Claes,
Happy to oblige. Language is a funny thing, and I guess english is the funniest. (from what I've heard anyway) It takes whatever words it wants from other languages, breaks it's own rules, and basically just laughs at anyone who has the audacity to try and control it. Words--I love them!!!

I also love how things are phrased... the double meanings etc. For instance we have a local Public Radio Station who has a jeweler who manufactures custom jewelry as one of their a sponsors.
The tag line on this jeweler is, " Heilemans, manufacturing jewelers for over 80 years".

Funny I always thought jewelers were trained, not manufactured.

Just remember that a bir can fly, but a fly can't bird.
(its early)

James

Unregistered said:

Claes

Only our national football (soccer) team manager, but you cant knock him cos he's shaggin Ulrika Johnson !!
Actually, I never considered doing any knocking about, but some gentle digs can be a lot of fun.

Ooops.. No, no, I can't knock him anyway, he's swedish. I was rather looking for some danes or norwegians. We can communicate reasonably well, but amusing misunderstandings are *very* common. (Quite often the same words have different meanings).

JRKH said:

Claes,
Happy to oblige. Language is a funny thing, and I guess english is the funniest. (from what I've heard anyway) It takes whatever words it wants from other languages, breaks it's own rules, and basically just laughs at anyone who has the audacity to try and control it. Words--I love them!!!
Errrr..... I think you just described just about every language in the world, but ok, yes: I love languages (and dialects) too. You can have so much fun with them.

/Claes

Without doubt our intellect is far far superior.

Its the quasi paradigm of the non-socio eco pharmatic philanthropy that culminates in the potumatically forensic wheelbarrow cyclepath is it not ?

Hopefully our good friend Mr Energy will appreciate the irony in the quasi-socio farmatalogical procrustinatory antidisestablishmentarianism.

M Greenaway said:

Without doubt our intellect is far far superior.

Its the quasi paradigm of the non-socio eco pharmatic philanthropy that culminates in the potumatically forensic wheelbarrow cyclepath is it not ?


HHMMMMM......Sounds like Bulls**t Bingo to me.

James

Jim Wade said:

Thanks for the comment, Claes,

But, just to be clear, when you say we are ahead, are you referring just to recent banter?

Or are you making a deeper observation about some innate superiority that the Brits have?

rgds Jim ;)

Just the recent banter if you please:ko:

M Greenaway said: Its the quasi paradigm of the non-socio eco pharmatic philanthropy that culminates in the potumatically forensic wheelbarrow cyclepath is it not ?
Ouch... Sir, control yourself, you're hurting my brains.... Oh, now I get it: BINGOOOO! (BS Bingo) :vfunny: :vfunny: :vfunny: Now behave, or I shall continue this discussion in swedish... ;)

/Claes

OK GUYS....here's one for ya....be gentle please:truce:

It's intuitively obvious to the most casual observer that the cranium mass is equal to the size of the reproductive organs, which requires the utilization of miniature surgical equipment to perform it's intended function.


:truce: :truce: :truce:


I could be in some serious sh*t now!!!!

CarolX

Carol that is so true.

Personally I require the assistance of a fork lift truck to perform.

M Greenaway said:

Personally I require the assistance of a fork lift truck to perform.

M,

I have to apologize in advance, but I couldn't resist.

Is that the same fork lift truck you use to doff your Bowler?:vfunny:
:ko: :smokin:

1. In the beginning was the Plan.

2. And then came the Assumptions.

3. And the Assumptions were without form.

4. And the Plan was without Substance.

5. And darkness was upon the face of the Workers.

6. And the Workers spoke among themselves saying, "It is a crock of s*!t and it stinks."

7. And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and said, "It is a crock of dung and we cannot live with the smell."

8. And the Supervisors went unto their Managers saying, "It is a container of organic waste, and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it."

9. And the Managers went unto their Directors, saying, "It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength."

10. And the Directors spoke among themselves, saying to one another, "It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong."

11. And the directors went to the Vice Presidents, saying unto them, "It promotes growth, and it is very powerful."

12. And the Vice Presidents went to the President, saying unto him, "It has very powerful effects."

13. And the President looked upon the Plan and saw that it was good.

14. And the Plan became Policy.

15. And that is how s*!t happens

I've always wondered why **** happens! Thanks Randy.

The next time I'm standing up to my neck in it, I will know it's a good thing. :D :smokin:

M Greenaway said:

Carol that is so true.

Personally I require the assistance of a fork lift truck to perform.
I'd hate to see *that* performance review...:eek:

/Claes

Bill had been training his colt for awhile and couldn't believe how fast he was. Every time Bill timed him around the practice track he got faster! I was obvious they were going to have a winner this season.

The first race day came and Bill's horse ran in three races and finished dead last every time. Bill couldn't understand it. What had happend.

The next day they took the horse back out to the practice track and he broke his old record. Now Bill was really frustrated. So he called in an Animal Psychologist. This person had a rare gift in that he could actually communicate with animals.

After spending some time with the horse the psychologist reported to Bill what the problem was. It seems that the colt loved to run, but that when there were phillies in the race he just loved to lay back and watch them run.

Bill jumped up and said, "well I know how to cure that. Soon he won't have any need for a philly". And Bill promptly had the colt gelded. To everyones surprise, this actually made the animal run faster and Bill was sure he made thright decision.

Soon race day cam once more. It was obvious that Bills horse couldn't wait to get going as he bounced and pranced to the starting gate. Finally the bell sounded and the gates opened. bills horse fairly lept out of the gate and took the immediate lead. But about 8 or 10 lenghts down the track there was a terrible pileup. Horses and jockeys crashed and intermingled in one heap. Everyone ran to the pile and began pulling jockeys and horses out. Finally when they reached the bottom there lay Bill's horse.

The animal psychologist asked the hors what happened. The horse replied, "Well the gate opened and all I wanted to do was win, then I heard the announcer call out 'THEIR OFF' and I was so embarrased that I tried to cross my legs.


Happy Friday
James

"The Best One-Liners of All-Time" From Rodney Dangerfield

1. I was so poor growing up ... if I wasn't a boy ... I'd have had nothing to play with.

2. A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over; nobody's home. "I went over. Nobody was home.

3. During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

4. One day I came home early from work ... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said "Because you came home early."

5. It's been a rough day. I got up this morning ... put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.

6. I was such an ugly kid...When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

7. I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio.

8. I was such an ugly baby...My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

9. I'm so ugly...My father carries around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

10. When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through."

11. I'm so ugly...My mother had morning sickness...AFTER I was born.

12. I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

13. Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said,"I don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide."

14. My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

15. I'm so ugly...I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get.

16. I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror...I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me?" He said..."I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."

17. I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

18. With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.

19.Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room he leaves a pyramid. His favorite bone is in my arm. Last night he went on the paper four times - three of those times I was reading it.

20. One year they wanted to make me poster boy - for birth control.

21. My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the electric chair.

:ko: :smokin:

Introductory Chemistry has been taught at Duke for about a zillion years by professor Bonk (really)...he has been around forever.

Anyway, one year these two guys took the class and did pretty well on all the quizzes and mid-terms-so much so that going into the final, they each had a solid A. These two friends were so confident going into the final, that the weekend before finals week (even though the Chem final was on Monday), they decided to go to U. of VA and party with some friends up there.

So they did this and had a great time. However, with their hangovers and everything, they overslept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning.
Rather than taking the final then, they found professor Bonk after the final and explained to him how they missed the final...they told him they went up to U VA for the weekend and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back and didn't have a spare and couldn't fix it for a long time and so were late getting back to campus.

Bonk thought this over and agreed that they could take the final the following day.

The two guys, elated and relieved, studied that night and went in the next day at the time that Bonk had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem which was something simple about molarity and solutions and was worth 5 points.

"Cool," they thought, "this is going to be easy". They then turned the page. They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on the next page.

It said only...

(95 points) Which tire?
:bonk:

A client sent me this. I admit I've heard it before, but I laughed and thought what the heck - I'll post it here. Apologies if you've heard it before. It goes...

The Fireman

A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife, "You know,
we have a wonderful system at the fire station:

BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets.
BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole.
BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go.

"From now on when I say BELL 1, I want you to strip naked. When I say BELL 2, I want you to jump in bed. And when I say BELL 3, we are going to make love all night."

The next night he came home from work and yelled "BELL 1" The wife promptly took all her clothes off.
When he yelled "BELL 2," the wife jumped into bed.
When he yelled "BELL 3," they began making love.
After a few minutes the wife yelled "BELL 4"

"What the **** is BELL 4?" asked the husband?

"ROLL OUT MORE HOSE," she replied, "YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE!"

Just found the ref to Bull**** Bingo.

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party. The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse." Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.
Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blond woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blond enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night. The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon. Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, even more attractive than the blond. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night. The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow. What is your last request."

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse, alone." The Chief is curious, but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.

Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says, "Listen carefully, for the last time, I said......

"BRING POSSE!" :lick: :ko: :smokin:

Not sure if this is true or just an urban legend-- but it could be...

In March of 1992 a man living in Newton, Massachusetts received a bill on his as yet unused credit card stating that he owed $0.00. He threw it away. In April he received another and tossed that one, too. The following month the credit card company sent him a nasty note stating they were going to cancel his card if he didn't send them $0.00. In retrospect, he probably should have let
them do that. Instead he called the company and was informed that (are you ready for this?) the problem was the result of a computer error. They told him they'd take care of it. The following month he reasoned that, if other charges appeared on the card, then it would put an end to his ridiculous predicament. Besides, they assured him the problem would be resolved. So he presented his card for a purchase. It was declined.
Once again he called. He learned that the credit card had been canceled for lack of payment. They apologized for (here it is again) another computer error and promised they would rectify the situation.

The next day he got a bill for $0.00 stating that payment was now
overdue. Assuming that this bill was yet another mistake, he ignored it. But the following month he received yet another bill for $0.00 stating that he had ten days to pay his account in
full or the company would take necessary steps to recover the debt. He gave in. He mailed in a check for $0.00. The computer duly processed it and returned a statement to the effect that his account was paid in full.

A week later, the man's bank called him asking him why he wrote a check for $0.00. He explained the problem at length. The bank replied that the $0.00 check had caused their check processing software to fail. The bank could not now process ANY checks from ANY of their customers that day because the check for $0.00 caused a computer crash.

The following month the man received a letter from the credit card
company claiming that his check had bounced, that he still owed $0.00 and, unless payment was sent immediately, they would institute procedures to collect this debt.

This man, who had been considering buying his wife a computer for her birthday, bought her a typewriter instead.

The President of the United States
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC February 19, 2002

Dear Concerned Citizen:

Thank you for your recent letter roundly criticizing our treatment of the Taliban and Al Qaida detainees currently being held at Guantanamo Bay,Cuba. My administration takes these matters seriously, and your opinion was heard loud and clear here in Washington.

You'll be pleased to learn that, thanks to the concerns of citizens like you, we are creating a new division of the Terrorist Retraining Program, to be called the "Doves Offering to Restrain Killers" program, or DORK for short.

In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided to place one terrorist under your personal care. Your personal detainee has been selected and scheduled for transportation under heavily-armed guard to your residence next Monday.

Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud (you can just call him Ahmed) is to be cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your letter of admonishment. It will likely be necessary for you to hire some assistant caretakers. We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of care for Ahmed are commensurate with those you so strongly recommended in your letter.

Ahmed's meal requirements are simple, but we strongly suggest serving meals that do not require utensils, particularly knives and forks. Also, these should be "one-handed" foods; Ahmed will not eat with his left hand since he uses it to wipe himself after purging his bowels (which he will do in your yard) but look on the bright side... no increase in the toilet paper bill!

He generally bathes quarterly with the change of seasons, assuming that it rains. And he washes his clothes simultaneously. This should help with your water bill. Also, your new friend has a really bad case of body lice that hasn't been completely remedied.

Please heed the large orange notice attached to your detainee's cage: "Does not play well with others." Although Ahmed is sociopathic and extremely violent, we hope that your sensitivity to what you described as his "attitudinal problem" will help him overcome these character flaws.

Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural differences. He will bite you, given the chance, but his rabies test came back negative so not to worry. We understand that you plan to offer counseling and home schooling.

Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or nail clippers. We do not suggest that you ask him to demonstrate these skills at your next yoga group.

He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices from common household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked up, unless (in your opinion) this might offend him.

Ahmed will not wish to interact with your wife or daughters (except sexually) since he views females as a sub-human form of property. However, he will be eager to assist with the education of your sons; have available for their use several copies of the Q'uran. Oh - and rest assured that he absolutely loves animals, especially cats. He prefers them roasted, but raw is fine, too, if they aren't more than 2 or 3 days dead.

Thanks again for your letter. We truly appreciate it when folks like
you, who know so much, keep us informed of the proper way to do our job. We think this watching over each other's shoulder is such a good way for people to interact that we will be sending a team of federal officials with expertise in your line of work to your place of business soon, just to help you do your job better.

Don't be concerned that they have the power to close your business, seize your property, and arrest you for any violation of the 4,850,206 federal laws, codes, regulations and rules that apply to your profession. They're really there just to make sure you're doing everything the proper way. That is what you wanted, right?

Well, thank you for this opportunity to interact with such a valued
member of the citizenry. You take good care of Ahmed - and
remember.......we'll be watching.

Cordially,

George W. Bush

:vfunny:

Randy-

:biglaugh: :

One of the best ones I've seen

ROFL

Thanks
:vfunny:
CarolX
:biglaugh:

George Farthing, an expatriate British man living in America, was
recently diagnosed as clinically depressed, tanked up on anti-depressants and scheduled for controversial Shock Therapy when doctors realised he wasn't depressed at all - only British. 'Not depressed, just British' Mr Farthing,
a British man whose characteristic pessimism and gloomy perspective were interpreted as serious clinical depression, was led on a nightmare journey through the American psychiatric system. Doctors describe Mr Farthing as suffering with Pervasive Negative Anticipation - a belief that everything will turn out for the worst, whether it's trains arriving late,
England's chances at winning any international sports event or even his own prospects to get ahead in life and achieve his dreams.

"The satisfaction Mr Farthing seemed to get from his pessimism seemed particularly pathological," reported the doctors. "They put me on everything - Lithium, Prozac, St John's Wort," said Mr Farthing. "They even told me to sit in front of a big light for an hour a day or I'd become suicidal. I kept telling them this was all pointless and they said that it was exactly that sort of attitude that got me here in the first place."

Running out of ideas, his doctors finally resorted to a course of
"weapons grade MDMA", the only noticeable effect of which was six hours of speedy repetitions of the phrases "mustn't grumble" and "not too bad, really".It was then that Mr Farthing was referred to a psychotherapist.

"Suicidal?" Dr Isaac Horney explored Mr Farthing's family history and couldn't believe his ears. "His story of a childhood growing up in a grey little town where it rained every day, treeless streets of identical houses and passionately backing a football team who never won, seemed to be typical depressive ideation or false memory. Mr Farthing had six months of therapy but seemed to mainly want to talk about the weather - how miserable and
cold it was in winter and later how difficult and hot it was in summer. I felt he wasn't responding to therapy at all and so I recommended drastic action namely ECT or shock treatment".

"I was all strapped down on the table and they were about to put the rubber bit in my mouth when the psychiatric nurse picked up on my accent," said Mr Farthing. "I remember her saying 'Oh my God, I think we're making a terrible mistake'."

Nurse Alice Sheen was a big fan of British comedy giving her an
understanding of the British psyche. "Classic comedy characters like Tony Hancock, Albert Steptoe and Frank Spencer are all hopeless cases with no chance of ever doing well or escaping their circumstances," she explained to the baffled US medics. "That's funny in Britain and is not seen as pathological at all."

Identifying Mr Farthing as British changed his diagnosis from 'clinical depression' to 'rather quaint and charming' and he was immediately discharged from hospital, with a selection of brightly coloured leaflets and an "I love New York" T-shirt.

I have tears in my eyes and the girl in the next office thought I was crazy. Only an Irishman could get away with it! Great One.
:vfunny: :biglaugh: :vfunny: :biglaugh: :smokin:

Yesterday there was an email exchange in our office where the office mgr/secretary asked the men to please clean up after themselves if they could not refrain from using the ladies room. A VP replied and asked various questions relating to the position the seat should be left in, etc. and followed by asking if Lucinda had a work instruction for this in our QMS.

It only took me 20 minutes to wack this out and reply "well, actually we do....." and attach. About an hour later the VP got on the intercom and announced that potty training would be given for all male staffers under the supervision of QM Lucinda promptly at 3:30.

Guess it's one of those things where you just had to be there....

Lucinda,

That was hilarious! Yesterday someone posted a sticky note on the wall in front of the toilet in our office reading "Please be kind....Flush when you are finished." Hope you don't mind, I had to send that work instruction around our office as well! Office politics, you just have to love them.

:biglaugh: :vfunny: :biglaugh:

Jamie

Sure, have fun with it ..but I noticed that I failed to remove our company name from one place in the scope. Could ya'll do that before sending it around please? Don't want to get myself in any trouble here!:bonk: :biglaugh:
Edit:
Well, I went into my post above to delete the first attachment and to attach the procedure without the company name and now that I deleted it, it won't let me go back in and add the attachment again. Sooo, I'll post again...

Here it is again..

Lucinda,
Truely Excellent. I had to print it out too. Since we are currently preparing documentation for QS I am thinking of using it for a good laugh and maybe some training.

Thanks a Lot.

James

<center>http://16949.com/gif/eye in knot hole.gif<br>Is that you, JRKH? I see Lucinda up there trying to get her files straight.</center>

Marc said:

<center>http://16949.com/gif/eye in knot hole.gif<br>Is that you, JRKH? I see Lucinda up there trying to get her files straight.</center>

:thedeal:

Yep Das Me alright.

Sure has been a quiet weekend here on the cove. Must be beautiful weather everywhere. Spent my weekend puttering around the yard. - Or what passes for a yard. - Well it's gonna be a yard some day. In the meantime lots of fun playtime (and stress relief) :D :D

Subject: Opening lines to really bad novels

Here are the 10 winners of this year's Bulwer-Lytton contest, wherein one writes the opening sentence of a bad novel. (The contest is named for the Victorian author Edward George Bulwer-Lytton, who is famous - or is it infamous - for writing the novel that began "It was a dark and stormy night.")


10. As a scientist, Throckmorton knew that if he were ever to break wind in the echo chamber, he would never hear the end of it.


9. Just beyond the Narrows the river widens.


8. With a curvaceous figure that Venus would have envied, a tanned, unblemished oval face framed with lustrous thick brown hair, deep azure-blue eyes fringed with long black lashes, perfect teeth that vied for competition, and a small straight nose, Marilee had a beauty that defied description.


7. Andre, a simple peasant, had only one thing on his mind as he crept along the east wall: Andre creep... Andre creep... Andre creep.



6. Stanislaus Smedley, a man always on the cutting edge of narcissism, was about to give his body and soul to a back-alley sex-change surgeon to become the woman he loved.


5. Although Ellen had an abnormal fear of mice, it did not keep her from eeking out a living at a local pet store.


4. Stanley looked quite bored and somewhat detached, but then penguins often do.


3. Like an overripe beefsteak tomato rimmed with cottage cheese, the corpulent remains of Santa Claus lay dead on the hotel floor.


2. Dick Hardware was the kind of private eye who didn't know the meaning of the word fear, a man who could laugh in the face of danger and spit in the eye of death - in short, a moron with suicidal tendencies.


AND THE WINNER IS...

1. The sun oozed over the horizon, shoved aside the darkness, crept along the greensward, and, with sickly fingers, pushed through the castle window, revealing the pillaged princess, hand at throat, crown asunder, gaping in frenzied horror at the sated, sodden amphibian lying beside her, disbelieving the magnitude of the frog's deception, screaming madly, "YOU LIED, YOU LIED!!!!!!!"

JRKH a pilot? A military pilot?

Sitting around the small social club in the VOQ of Fort Rucker one fine evening some cute young nurses stopped by our table. Now our table was occupied by my commander, some other pilots and of course a couple of us hard-working, extremely intelligent, capable and masculine crew chiefs. Talk got around to helicopters and flying and all that stuff. This one cute little nurse type asked about the difference in the wings we wore on our flight suits. The CO explained that his type designated him a pilot and mine identified me as a crew chief. This cute little nursey asked me why I wasn't a pilot. I explained the officer / nco difference and the college education business and then I told her the real truth.

Monkies and dogs piloted spacecraft in the 50's and 60's, so handling a helicopter didn't require as much skill as fixing them, and besides, my mother and father were married at least 9 months before my birth so I couldn't qualify for flight school. :biglaugh:

My CO passed a drink of beer through his nose when he coughed up and I had a date for the evening.

Lucinda said:

Yesterday there was an email exchange in our office where the office mgr/secretary asked the men to please clean up after themselves if they could not refrain from using the ladies room. A VP replied and asked various questions relating to the position the seat should be left in, etc. and followed by asking if Lucinda had a work instruction for this in our QMS.

It only took me 20 minutes to wack this out and reply "well, actually we do....." and attach. About an hour later the VP got on the intercom and announced that potty training would be given for all male staffers under the supervision of QM Lucinda promptly at 3:30.

Guess it's one of those things where you just had to be there....

Lucinda,

Thanks for sharing that. It was HILARIOUS!!!

Thanks for a great pick me up for a dreary, rainy Monday.

CarolX

Lucinda said:

Yesterday there was an email exchange in our office where the office mgr/secretary asked the men to please clean up after themselves if they could not refrain from using the ladies room. A VP replied and asked various questions relating to the position the seat should be left in, etc. and followed by asking if Lucinda had a work instruction for this in our QMS.

It only took me 20 minutes to wack this out and reply "well, actually we do....." and attach. About an hour later the VP got on the intercom and announced that potty training would be given for all male staffers under the supervision of QM Lucinda promptly at 3:30.

Guess it's one of those things where you just had to be there....
Brilliant, Lucinda... I think I'll translate that one and send it for review here.

/Claes

Lucinda - oh Queen of the Commode Procedures... :biglaugh:

Muchas gracias for a huge Monday laugh!! That was just too funny!


:bigwave:

Randy said:

JRKH a pilot? A military pilot? ..........



Randy,
Weelllll no. Actually more of a "History Pilot". A few years back I had the opportunity to spend some time in the left seat of a restored B-17 flying fortress. As I am a history buff (in particular WWII) and always loved that particular airplane I fairly lept at the chance.Beautiful airplane, easy to fly.


I also had the chance to sit in the bombadier's chair over the Nordan Bombsight. You just lean forward a little and your in the bubble nose. You can't see the plane, just hear those big Wright Cyclones droning away (1200 hp each).

I grinned like the picture for about 3 days (even in my sleep):D

James

My boss is going to think that all I do is goof around...

The safety manager asked me to figure out how to do certificates to issue the the guys who complete certain levels of training. So I went into PowerPoint and dummied up a certficate using our company logo as a light background. I didn't know exactly what it would look like all printed up, so I made a cert for the safety manager that said he had attended and demonstated competence in beerdrinking and rabble-rousing. I put some clip art on it with a drunk laying down singing and a group of partiers raising beer mugs. It was fairly cute. But the purpose was just to get my colors right on the certificate, really it was. After I printed it I showed it to the safety mgr. to get his approval and he was so delighted in his certificate that he marched right into the CEO's office to show it to him!

Two days in a row the QM is goofing off - oh man what a rep I'll get for this.:vfunny:

JRKH said:



Randy,
Weelllll no. Actually more of a "History Pilot". A few years back I had the opportunity to spend some time in the left seat of a restored B-17 flying fortress. As I am a history buff (in particular WWII) and always loved that particular airplane I fairly lept at the chance.Beautiful airplane, easy to fly.


I also had the chance to sit in the bombadier's chair over the Nordan Bombsight. You just lean forward a little and your in the bubble nose. You can't see the plane, just hear those big Wright Cyclones droning away (1200 hp each).

I grinned like the picture for about 3 days (even in my sleep):D

James

James,

Okay - it's official - I'm totally green with envy!!! :smokin: :smokin: The B-17 is my favorite aircraft ever! Got to tour one at a fly-in in Miami a few years ago, but didn't have the $$$ to take the flight. Every time I get down to Cincinnati I spend at least a day at Wright-Patterson.

You are one lucky man... :D

Lucinda said:

Two days in a row the QM is goofing off - oh man what a rep I'll get for this.:vfunny:

Lucinda,

Just bring him to the Cove. We will all vouch for you. Goof Off.....never...very serious work goes on here.

Unemployement...here wee come!!!!

LMAO

CarolX

OMG.....I gonna give myself a grabber.....the "wee" was a typo...but it sure fits this thread......THUD!!!!!

CarolX said:
Just bring him to the Cove.

Oh man, that's one thing I live in fear of: my boss discovering the Cove! It's my sanctuary! :cool:

Actually, I've told him that I go to a quality forum and that my forum buddies help me out with things so he does know that I do this and I have his blessing. He said to me last week that it was like he had not just me but a world of experts behind him. And he bragged about it to the CFO also! :smokin: See how valuable you all are? And I still get credit because I was smart enough to find the Cove! :biglaugh:

Lucinda said:



Oh man, that's one thing I live in fear of: my boss discovering the Cove! It's my sanctuary! :cool:

Actually, I've told him that I go to a quality forum and that my forum buddies help me out with things so he does know that I do this and I have his blessing. He said to me last week that it was like he had not just me but a world of experts behind him. And he bragged about it to the CFO also! :smokin: See how valuable you all are? And I still get credit because I was smart enough to find the Cove! :biglaugh:

Oh yeah!!! This place is Sancturary! (Sounds kinda of Logan's Run-ish doesn't it... ) I've been on the Cove - writing something and the boss has walked in - looked at the monitor and asked, "whatcha doing?" (Policy against using the internet for anything other than company business during working hours... :eek: )

Ahem.. *cough* *cough*.... "Nothin' boss - Just consulting with the Quality folks I know concerning an aspect of the ISO conversion we're doing..." :vfunny:

Works every time... :bigwave:

I have to agree that reading and posting to the Cove is probably the best method of acquiring information and thoughts.

Quality/Process people, realize that this is a free source of information that can help you, your company. and your career. There are many experts here that will suggest methodology and requirements and ask nothing in return.

When I was working for a company, I also had the boss walk in. I didn't change the screen and pretend to do something else, I showed him the Cove and the information available. Aall he said was "good deal" keep it up.

Al...:)

My boss approves of me browsing the Cove. However, he really hates it when I use information from the Cove to document his ineptitude instead of arguing to no end. (He's in charge of implementing ISO9001:2000, his entire understanding is based upon "ISO 9001:2000 Explained, Second Edition". )

Michael T said:



James,

Okay - it's official - I'm totally green with envy!!! :smokin: :smokin: The B-17 is my favorite aircraft ever! Got to tour one at a fly-in in Miami a few years ago, but didn't have the $$$ to take the flight. Every time I get down to Cincinnati I spend at least a day at Wright-Patterson.

You are one lucky man... :D

Michael,
Sorry Mike. Didn't mean to bum you out or anything (heeheeheehee)
Unfortunately they are no longer allowing the "at the controls" part of the flight. I got in under the wire.
It was an incredible experience. Nuthin like having 4800 hp under your control.
Several outfits are still giving the rides though and I highly recommend it. You can go anywhere in the plane except the tail gunners position. Ya gotta go man - ya just gotta go.

James

JRKH said:



Michael,
Sorry Mike. Didn't mean to bum you out or anything (heeheeheehee)
Unfortunately they are no longer allowing the "at the controls" part of the flight. I got in under the wire.
It was an incredible experience. Nuthin like having 4800 hp under your control.
Several outfits are still giving the rides though and I highly recommend it. You can go anywhere in the plane except the tail gunners position. Ya gotta go man - ya just gotta go.

James

James... the gloating and maniacal laughter don't become you... :biglaugh: :vfunny: (I'd gloat too if I got to ride left seat... you lucky lucky dog)

I've already made myself a promise - the NEXT time I have the opporunity to fly in one of those babies I'm going... finances be darned.... :p And I have my wife's permission to say so... :D

Michael T said:



James... the gloating and maniacal laughter don't become you... :biglaugh: :vfunny: (I'd gloat too if I got to ride left seat... you lucky lucky dog)

I've already made myself a promise - the NEXT time I have the opporunity to fly in one of those babies I'm going... finances be darned.... :p And I have my wife's permission to say so... :D

Michael,
Always good to have the support of the wife. Yessiree. In fact mine even went with me. She grinned too.

Be sure to let me know when it happens. Then we can gloat together.:smokin: :thedeal:

James

Gotta luv that guy.:D :bigwave:


http://dilbert.com/comics/dilbert/archive/images/dilbert2002050208955.gif

WHY MEN ARE NOT SECRETARIES:

Husband's note left on refrigerator to his wife:

"Someone from the Guyna Colleges called.

They said Pabst beer is normal."


:bigwave: :ko: :smokin:

JRKH said:

Randy,
Weelllll no. Actually more of a "History Pilot". A few years back I had the opportunity to spend some time in the left seat of a restored B-17 flying fortress. As I am a history buff (in particular WWII) and always loved that particular airplane I fairly lept at the chance.Beautiful airplane, easy to fly.


I also had the chance to sit in the bombadier's chair over the Nordan Bombsight. You just lean forward a little and your in the bubble nose. You can't see the plane, just hear those big Wright Cyclones droning away (1200 hp each).

I grinned like the picture for about 3 days (even in my sleep):D

James

Awwwwww (Green with envy)... JRKH, I share your interests. We have to talk sometime. I have 3-400 hours on gliders myself, but I'm not an active pilot anymore. It took too much of my time, so I had to make a choice... A tough one too.

/Claes

Claes Gefvenberg said:



Awwwwww (Green with envy)... JRKH, I share your interests. We have to talk sometime. I have 3-400 hours on gliders myself, but I'm not an active pilot anymore. It took too much of my time, so I had to make a choice... A tough one too.

/Claes

Claes,
Don't want to give the wrong impression here. I am not a licensed pilot. Although I keep thinking about it. Like you say though it takes a lot of time to get and to maintain your license. Don't know if I would get the use out of it.
The man flying the right hand seat was not only a pilot but had flown B-17's in Europe during WWII.
I know there are a couple of Fortresses flying in Europe, do they ever get up to Scandinavia?

James

Just wondering if you've ever attended the EAA Convention in Oshkosh WI.?

One of the highlights of the show for us is sitting on our pier the day before the show opens and watching the formation of old war birds flanking a B-17 fly over. It's an incrdible sight and sound sensation.

Well, these days I'm just a desktop pilot. (I restrict myself to flight simulators). :vfunny:

Anyway, yes, we've had a few nice airshows around here. A few years back I had the pleasure to watch B17, Spit, Mosquito, P47, P51, P40, F4u in the air. Needless to say, I loved it.

I know about Oskosh and I'd love to go there, but it's a bit expensive from this side of the pond.

/Claes

Ken K said:

Just wondering if you've ever attended the EAA Convention in Oshkosh WI.?

One of the highlights of the show for us is sitting on our pier the day before the show opens and watching the formation of old war birds flanking a B-17 fly over. It's an incrdible sight and sound sensation.

Ken,
No I haven't been up to Oshkosh. However it was the EAA's B-17 that I got to fly. (actually twice) You're right, the sight and sound is something you don't soon forget. At the end of June a B-24 Liberator and the last flying example of a B-29 Superfort are going to be at Lunkin field in Cincinnati. You can bet I'll be down there to see them too.

James

Claes Gefvenberg said:

Well, these days I'm just a desktop pilot. (I restrict myself to flight simulators). :vfunny:

Anyway, yes, we've had a few nice airshows around here. A few years back I had the pleasure to watch B17, Spit, Mosquito, P47, P51, P40, F4u in the air. Needless to say, I loved it.

I know about Oskosh and I'd love to go there, but it's a bit expensive from this side of the pond.

/Claes

Claes,
Outstanding!! We dont' see too many Spits over here, and I've never seen a Mosquito at any of the shows I've been to. I'd love to have a close-up look at one of those.
IMHO for grace and beauty you just can't beat those old birds.

James

Although I'm not the pilot in the house, I felt I had to join in here. My other half just bought a Cessna 150 and will not stop talking about going to Oshkosh.....he is camping under his wing and his friend is flying in also.....he can't wait!
His new plane is kept in Brantford Ontario where the Memphis Belle came for some repairs, and he couldn't stop talking about that either, he even managed to get inside and poke around for a while since he knew the mechanic....(he has a huge cut on his head where he stood up from the cockpit and whacked the gun turret or something.) :p

As for the flight simulator....I hardly get to use the computer since he is off flying on it every night! (I'm sure you guys understand all this!)

They started a special warbird show at the EAA three years ago. They don't stay at Oshkosh, but at the Fond du Lac airport. What they usually do is do a fly-by over the EAA grounds before landing.

Well, I was out on the lake trolling for walleye one day and I could hear the rumble of planes but I couldn't see them. The rumble got louder and louder and finally looking down the lake I seen them coming. 12 P-51's in formation about 150 feet off the surface of the lake coming right towards me. I'll never forget the sight or the sheer energy of them passing almost overhead.

I'm glad the guy's still enjoy flying those planes.

12 Mustangs at one time? That would be awesome:D

Hopefully the naustalgia wave will hit someday and the UH-1 Huey can get the attention it deserves. 100 Huey's in the air will turn your insides into jelly.

Randy said:

12 Mustangs at one time? That would be awesome:D

Hopefully the naustalgia wave will hit someday and the UH-1 Huey can get the attention it deserves. 100 Huey's in the air will turn your insides into jelly.


Randy,
I agree. These birds should be preserved as well. The "choppers" from Nam define an era just as the B-17's and P-51's define the 40's. I hope folks don't wait too long.

At the end of WWII you could buy a B-17 for the cost of the fuel in their tanks. Plus literally thousands were scrapped. Today the remaining planes are worth millions. Plus people scour the globe for old airplane crash sites trying to salvage parts.

YES -- SAVE THE HUEYS --

James

JRKH said:

Claes,
Outstanding!! We dont' see too many Spits over here, and I've never seen a Mosquito at any of the shows I've been to. I'd love to have a close-up look at one of those.
IMHO for grace and beauty you just can't beat those old birds.
I agree. Both the Spit and the Mossie is a real beaut, and they sound great too. I really don't think there are many Mossies left in flying condition.

Sporty said:

As for the flight simulator....I hardly get to use the computer since he is off flying on it every night! (I'm sure you guys understand all this!)
Oh, I do understand... It's bags of fun. I use Microsofts Combat Flight Simulator quite a lot. You can often find me online, at http://zone.msn.com/combatflightsim/default.asp ( I use a nickname there. I'll send it via mail if any of you are interested )

But: We are forgetting. This is the humor thread. So here goes:

One time when I was up in a glider I asked a friend about his position and got no reply. After a while the ground cut in: "Errrr.. I don't think he's got the time to reply at the moment.... He's touching down now... and now... and now...." :ko: :vfunny:

My frend never got the chance to forget that conversation... We all remind him about it every now and then. Of course he reminds me about a few things too....:eek:

/Claes

Although my office and the lab are on the second level, I need to make a few trips downstairs each day. On the way I pass a restroom where the odorous emissions leaking from under the door usually knocked my socks off.

So... I printed out your potty instructions, gave them to the production supervisor who had them promptly posted in the offending restroom.

Now when I walk past, I think I'm wandering in a lush spring garden mwhich is in full bloom. What an improvement!!

So now that I got the ladies room cleaned up, I'll work on the mens room.:D :D

Sorry...I couldn't hold back.:smokin: :truce:

Ken K said:



Sorry...I couldn't hold back.:smokin: :truce:


Ken,
that may explain why you needed the potty instructions.

James

I Have been promising myself to go to Oshkosh for at least 10 years. When it is on this year and where can i get some information?

Regards

PS On my last trip to America i went to Naples in Florida and did my PPL in 18 days, great experience

Andy Bassett said:

I Have been promising myself to go to Oshkosh for at least 10 years. When it is on this year and where can i get some information?

Regards

PS On my last trip to America i went to Naples in Florida and did my PPL in 18 days, great experience


Here is a link for you.


http://www.eaa.org/index.html


James

Just in case there are any musicians in the crowd...

A fellow walks into a shop and says to the shop assistant: "excuse me, I'd like to buy a guitar pick, and some strings."

The shop assistant looks uncomprehendingly at his customer, and says "pardon?"

"I'd like a guitar pick please, and some strings."

The shop assistant thinks on this for a while, and then turns to his customer and says "you're a drummer aren't you?"

"Yeah! How did you know man?"

"This is a fish and chip shop."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Johnny says to his mom: I want to be a drummer when I grow up!

Mom: But Johnny, you can't do both.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How can you tell when a drummer's at the door?
A: The knocking speeds up.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How can you tell when a drummer's at the door?
A: He doesn't know when to come in.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the guitarist who was going to a gig and locked his keys in the car? It took him two hours to get the drummer out....

Mickeyman said:

Just in case there are any musicians in the crowd...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the guitarist who was going to a gig and locked his keys in the car? It took him two hours to get the drummer out....


Mickeyman,

Now what do I do, my husband is both a guitarist and a drummer.


:vfunny: :vfunny:

LOL

CarolX

Buy him a piano.

CarolX said:




Mickeyman,

Now what do I do, my husband is both a guitarist and a drummer.


:vfunny: :vfunny:

LOL

CarolX


Hi Carol... may I suggest either... earplugs or Zoloft ... :vfunny: :ko:

I have this sneaking suspicion that Hayden is going to be a musician... He's already banging on stuff and loves music (VH1). I wish I could dance like he does... :biglaugh:

Getting back to WWII aircraft.

The other weekend I was treated to a fly past from the Battle of Britain Memorial Flight (BBMF) The sight of a Spit, Lancaster and Hurracane always stirs the old juices. You can't beat six RR Murlin's humming away.

Unregistered said:

Buy him a piano.

He has that, too!!!!



Michael T.,

Nah....he's a great musician. I hope John developes a love for it. You should hear him play the piano now, no banging at all, soft gentle notes.

CarolX

CarolX said:


Michael T.,

Nah....he's a great musician. I hope John developes a love for it. You should hear him play the piano now, no banging at all, soft gentle notes.

CarolX

Cool!! The wife plays flute & harp. I can't carry a tune in a bucket, but can play the heck out of an air guitar... :eek:

Soft gentle notes we don't have... Last time we were at my mom's house, the piano was Hayden's favorite toy and played with the grace of a base drum... :ko:

I'm testing earplugs now - just so I'm ready when the "fun" begins. :biglaugh:

Has anyone besides me noticed the unusually high number of musicians in employed in technical and scientific fields? I work in a robotics lab and there are an awful lot of people here who play various instruments and even three people who operate recording studios in their spare time.

Michael T said:

Cool!! The wife plays flute & harp. I can't carry a tune in a bucket, but can play the heck out of an air guitar... :eek:

Soft gentle notes we don't have... Last time we were at my mom's house, the piano was Hayden's favorite toy and played with the grace of a base drum... :ko:

I'm testing earplugs now - just so I'm ready when the "fun" begins. :biglaugh:

All the females in my family would need a monster backhoe to carry a tune. Doesn't stop the girls, but I know better.

The males on the other hand, what a talented bunch (well-John has yet to show his true colors). What a trip - if in another 10 years I could get all four to play together.



Mickeyman....Yes you are right...perhaps they were influenced by Buckaroo Bonzai!!!!!

Mickeyman said:

Has anyone besides me noticed the unusually high number of musicians in employed in technical and scientific fields? I work in a robotics lab and there are an awful lot of people here who play various instruments and even three people who operate recording studios in their spare time.

Not just the tech & science fields. Here in good old manufacturing **** (150 person factory), we've got at least 4 bands that play regular gigs around town, one band is seriously going after a contract, a studio guitarist (very very very good.... Joe Satriani good) who has at least one album out - perhaps two, a base player that has 2 albums out...

Must be the proximity to the Rock-n-Roll Hall of Fame... :vfunny:

Me... I don't even bother to whistle... :ko:

Since this is a humor thread, I feel compelled to add another joke at the expense of all you drummers out there...

Q: what's the difference between a drummer and a homeless person?

A: a girlfriend.

swappyd said:

Getting back to WWII aircraft.

The other weekend I was treated to a fly past from the Battle of Britain Memorial Flight (BBMF) The sight of a Spit, Lancaster and Hurracane always stirs the old juices. You can't beat six RR Murlin's humming away.


Excellent.

The old birds are a sight to behold. Speaking of Merlins, some years back while playing a round of golf, two fully restored P-51 Mustangs flew over low. Their merlin engines slicing the air and making the ground throb. Obviously they were headed for the airport not far from the course and you can bet so was I.

Can't wait to the next airshow.

James

I wonder if someone should start a separate thread for old warbird fans and musicians...? I happen to be both. Back in 1974 I traveled to Leicestershire England - on my second day there, still suffering from jet lag, I was taken to an nearby air show. I had never been to an air show before and didn't know what to expect, but it seemed tame enough... all the nice planes sitting safely on the ground were fascinating to see, but then suddenly the ground began to rumble and out of the sky came a trio of spitfires. Scared to h*** out of me - how would I know they actually flew stuff at an air show? (Duh!) They came in so low over the crowd you could count the rivets and smell the exhaust. That's when I decided that making really loud noises was serious fun. Since I couldn't buy a fighter, I got the biggest and loudest guitar amplifier I could afford and began making my own rumble...

Ah yes, but does your amp fly?


Also, there is huge difference between rumble and noise...one is a symphony to the ears, the other is just...noise. :o

Actually the amp does have a "hover" mode - it's the notch just past "10" on the knob labeled "Volume". As for any distinction between rumble and noise, have you heard what they're playing on the radio these days?

Ken K said:

Ah yes, but does your amp fly?


Also, there is huge difference between rumble and noise...one is a symphony to the ears, the other is just...noise. :o


Right on the mark.

This is one reason I like the old Prop jobs. The sound is so much better than jets. Jets just ROAR. Props sing.

James

Mickeyman said:

I wonder if someone should start a separate thread for old warbird fans and musicians...?

Another Warbirds fan..? :D Great... And good suggestion too. This "someone" is about to open a thread for us. Let's keep this one for the jokesters. I'll leave the music thread to "someone" else... Not really my thing..

/Claes

Ah yes, but does your amp fly?

It depends on how far it can be thrown!:biglaugh:

I doubt there are many people on the planet who could throw this monster. I can barely pick it up off the floor and I'm a fairly large guy (6'3" 255 lbs.) who has been hauling musical gear around for years. (There's another tip for you guys who spend a lot of time in bars - never arm-wrestle a roadie for money!)

You can, however, use large amps for beer can races: you place the empty beer can its side in front of the amp and start playing... the first can to the opposite wall wins!

Some humor to get us ready for the weekend. Warning: Some are a bit spicy! I hope this attachment attaches!

Mike S.

Not an aviation joke, but... well, close:

Parachutes are for sissys... Why?

In fact, bailing out without one would be a boost to your health. Let's say you leave an aircraft at 10000'... Maybe you're not feeling all that well.

Well, on the way down you get lots and lots of lovley fresh air, right? Thus, by the time you've fallen 9999' you should be brimming with health, really feeling on top of the world.

Now then.. Being in such great shape, surely you'll be able to drop 1' without any ill effects?:ko:

/Claes

Has anyone besides me noticed the unusually high number of musicians in employed in technical and scientific fields?
During my grad work in psyc (the ones that go into the field are the ones that need it the most!) we did a study on 3 dimentional visualization. You know the boxes that you have to fold in your head. We broke the results down by sex, race, occupation, etc. It was very interesting to see that engineers and musicians scored about the same. Both were well ahead of the other occupational groups (men did score better than women - must be the appreciation of the shapes and curves thing:p ). We believed it was due to the music chords, you hear in 3D and it seems that the mind can evaluate the harmony. With the harmony and chords being processed it seems that the visual manipulation of the flat box into a 3 dimensional object was easier.
:thedeal:

Loved the road signs!!!! :biglaugh: Thanks, you brightened my evening.

This has nothing to do with it, but here is a pearl I got from my brother and decided I just had to share.

If only.........

Silbil

Silbil said:

Loved the road signs!!!! :biglaugh: Thanks, you brightened my evening.

This has nothing to do with it, but here is a pearl I got from my brother and decided I just had to share.

If only.........

Silbil

Thanks Silbil. That was great. I suspect that with this bunch we'll have some more ideas to add to the list before long.

James

Every time I start a new diet / exercise program ... some "friend" sends
>me sage advice.
>
>Exercise Philosophy
>
>It is well documented that for every minute that you exercise, you add one minute to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.
>
>----------------------------------------------------------------------------
> My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where in the world she is.
>
>----------------------------------------------------------------------------
> The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
>
>----------------------------------------------------------------------------
> I joined a health club last year, spent about $150 bucks a month. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.
>
>----------------------------------------------------------------------------
> I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
>
>----------------------------------------------------------------------------
> I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
>
>----------------------------------------------------------------------------
> I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
>
>----------------------------------------------------------------------------
> The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
>
>----------------------------------------------------------------------------
> If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
>
>----------------------------------------------------------------------------
> And last but not least:
>
> I don't exercise because it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.

Diet? Exercise? Are you sure you're a Quality Control professional?

Mickeyman said:

Diet? Exercise? Are you sure you're a Quality Control professional?


Dunno about the diet, but the exercise sure can be a good stress reliever!!

Definition of Stress:
The feeling caused by resisting the urge to beat the s&!t out
of some SOB who really deserves it.

James

Hope these raise a smile.

Regards,

Chris

I am afraid that this attachment may be politically incorrect as it may be deemed as sexist.
Female readers please alter the gender/words to suit.
It IS NOT crude......just a guy thing.

Regards,

Chris

Nice one Jim,

I didn't do very well with that, but it is early (ish).....nice one.

Regards,

Chris May

There are some cute thingies I have collected over the last few years for peecee people. Since I have so much room on my server here I have them posted --> http://CheechWiz.com/pdf_files/Humour_for_PCs-Virus_Checked/

Most of them are Flash files. And yes - they've been checked for viruses.

Blender is really excellent! A classic.
Chimp is a David Letterman 'special' as I remember.
You'll see real balls displayed in http://CheechWiz.com/pdf_files/Humour_for_PCs-Virus_Checked/PARACHUT.MPG !

Don't try http://CheechWiz.com/pdf_files/Humour_for_PCs-Virus_Checked/elfbowl.exe if you're PC and don't approve of the sport of throwing 'height challenged' people at velcro walls.<hr>Me picking my nose at just the right moment. I mean, of all times to pick one's nose... Age 10 --> http://CheechWiz.com/Tosebo/1960-small.jpg<hr>By the way, the server is up and down a lot as it's a peecee and I'm troubleshooting a probable program conflict between my firewall software and the Apache server software. If it doesn't load right away, give it a while and try again.

And now a little sports humor:


How do you get a Colorado graduate off your porch?
........Pay him for the pizza.

Why is the Baylor football team like a possum?
........Because they play dead at home and get killed on the
road.

What are the longest three years of a Kansas State football
player's life?
.......His freshman year.

How many OU freshmen does it take to change a light bulb?
......None. .........That's a sophomore course.

Where was O. J. headed in the white Bronco?
.......Stillwater, Oklahoma. He knew that the police would
never look there for a HeismanTrophy winner.

Why did Texas choose orange as their team color?
.........You can wear it to the game on Saturday, hunting on
Sunday, and picking up trash along the highways the rest
of the week.

As I lay on my bed, thinking about you, I feel this strong urge to grab you and squeeze you, because I can't forget last night. You came to me unexpectedly during the balmy and calm night, and what happened in my bed still leaves a tingling sensation in me.

You appeared from nowhere and shamelessly, without any reservations, you laid on my naked body...you sensed my indifference, so you started to bite my body without any guilt or humiliation, and you drove me crazy while you sucked me dry.

Finally I went to sleep. Today when I woke up, you were gone, I searched for you but to no avail, only the sheets bore witness to last night's events. My body still shows your marks, making it harder to forget you.

Tonight I will remain awake waiting for you... as soon you appear I will quickly grab you and won't let you go. I will hold you with all my strength so you won't disappear. Won't rest until l squeeze your blood out.....you











Fricking mosquito.

:bigwave: :cool: :smokin:

That's one heck of a formula Jim. The bad news is that it makes me too old for energy.....the good news is that any man that I'm young enough for should kick the bucket and leave me his riches within a year or two!

Gotta run check out the cha-cha classes at the senior center now. And pick up some bingo daubers on the way.

lucinda said:

That's one heck of a formula Jim. The bad news is that it makes me too old for energy.....the good news is that any man that I'm young enough for should kick the bucket and leave me his riches within a year or two!

Gotta run check out the cha-cha classes at the senior center now. And pick up some bingo daubers on the way.

Hey, they're never too old for energy. Specially those long slender necked ones wearing a wet T shirt and a Scuba Tank and containing the brain the size of a watermellon. Sweet thaaaannng! ONE , TWO, Cha Cha Cha, Bingo!
:ko: :smokin:

Can't recall if this has been posted before.....

Where Morning Breath came from

Eeeeeeuuuuuu! I think I'm going to barf....

Think you are getting old? How do you feel?

This fellow had owned this large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back forty, had it fixed up nice, picnic tables, horse shoe courts, basketball court, etc. The pond was fixed for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond as
he hadn't been there for a while and look it over. As he neared the pond,he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny - dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond.
One of the women shouted to him, "we're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man replied,

"I didn't come down here to watch you ladies
swim or get out of the pond, I only came to feed my alligators!"


James :thedeal:

Some of these are repeats, but there is new lore in there.

HERE’S SOME MORE OF BETCHA DIDN'T KNOW THAT....

It is impossible to lick your elbow.

A shrimp's heart is in their head.

It is physically impossible for pigs to look up into the sky.

Between 1937 and 1945 Heinz produced a version of Alphabetti
Spaghetti especially for the German market that consisted solely of little pasta swastikas.

More than 50% of the people in the world have never made or received a telephone call.

If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib. If you try to suppress a sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck and die.

Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in
your ear by 700 times.

If the government has no knowledge of aliens, then why does Title 14, Section 1211 of the Code of Federal Regulations, implemented on July 16, 1969, make it illegal for U. S. citizens to have any contact with extraterrestrials or their vehicles?

In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.

Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.

In the course of an average lifetime you will, while sleeping, eat 70 assorted insects and 10 spiders.

Most lipstick contains fish scales.

Cat's urine glows under a black-light.

Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different.

Over 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow.

Pre-Nuptial Agreement

A secretary for a foreign embassy was entertaining a wealthy foreign ambassador during lunch at a very expensive restaurant in uptown New York.

The ambassador was so enthralled by the beauty and presence of this secretary that he asked her to marry him. The secretary was startled, but remembered that her boss told her never to insult foreign dignitaries, so she decided to let him down easy.

"I'll only marry you under three conditions."
"Anything, anything," said the ambassador.
"First, you must buy me a 14-karat gold wedding band with a 72 carat diamond, along with a 28 inch studded matching necklace for our engagement."
Without hesitation, the ambassador picked up his cellular phone, called his personal accountant, told him the instructions, and said, "Yes, yes, I buy, I buy!"

The secretary thought that her first request was too easy, so she thought of a more difficult situation.
"Second, I want you to build me a 58-acre mansion in the richest part of the Poconos along with a 40 acre summer home in the sweetest vineyards of France."
The ambassador picked up his phone, called his personal broker in New York, then called another broker in France, and after his quick conversation, he said, "Yes, yes, I build, I build!"

The secretary was very startled, and knew she must think of a final request that would be impossible to live up to.
"Finally," she said. "I'll only marry you if you have a 10 inch p****."

A sad face befell the ambassador, and he cupped his face in his hands. After weeping in his native language for a few minutes, the ambassador slowly lifted his head and said, "Ok, ok, I cut, I cut!" :vfunny:

:ko: :smokin:

Reminds me of this old chestnut.....

A woman comes home from a long hard day at work and decides to unwind with a nice long hot shower.

Wearily she undresses and steps under the wonderful torrent of hot streaming water.

No sooner has she stepped in the shower but the door bell rings.

"Who is it ?" she cries.

"Blind Man" comes the reply.

Quickly she looks around for a towel, but in her haste to the shower she has forgotten to bring one with her. Oh well she thinks if the man at the door is blind it wont really matter.

Off she goes to the door in her all together and flings it open.

"Hmmm nice tits, now where do you want these blinds" says the man on the doorstep. :biglaugh:

Some I've heard before, some new ones.

Over the Hill
1) Once over the hill, you pick up speed.
2) I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food.
3) If it weren't for STRESS I'd have no energy at all.
4) Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
5) Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
6) I know God won't give me more than I can handle. I just wish He didn't trust me so much.
7) Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.
8) We cannot change the direction of the wind... but we can adjust our sails.
9) Some days are a total waste of makeup.
10) Do you believe in love at first sight ... or should I walk by you
again?
11) If the shoe fits......buy it in every color.
12) If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.
13) Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
14) Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than
standing in a garage makes you a car.
15) Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
16) If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've
never tried before.
17) My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
18) Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
19) It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
20) For every action, there is an equal and opposite government
program.
21) If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
22) Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
23) A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
24) Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
25) A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
26) Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
27) Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
28) Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
29) There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
30) Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a
mistake when you make it again.
31) By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
32) Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
33) Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself.

James,

You brought this thread right back in line. I know because I went squinty eyed to keep up with proffered knowledge. Good post!:biglaugh:
:ko: :smokin:

This photo is titled "Things you shouldn't drop!!!:eek: :eek:

#10
Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"

#9
Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."

#8
Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."

#7
Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."

#6
Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."

#5
Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction."
Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."

#4
Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
Caddy: "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf."

#3
Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?"
Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."

#2
Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."

And the #1 best caddy comment:

Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."

Michael T,
Thanks for the golf humor. Got the US open on in the other room. Timing is everything.

James

No problem James - glad you enjoyed them.

How 'bout that Tiger, heh? The man can golf!

Cheers!!!

Some more pearls of wisdom from the mouths of babes... :biglaugh:


"Never trust a dog to watch your food." Patrick, age 10

"When your dad is mad and asks you, 'Do I look stupid?" Don't answer." Hannah, age 9

"Never tell your mom her diet's not working. " Michael, age 14

"Stay away from prunes. " Randy, age 9

"Don't pull dad's finger when he tells you to. " Emily, age 10

"When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair. " Taylia, age 11

"Never allow your three-year-old brother in the same room as your school assignment. " Traci, age 14

"Don't sneeze in front of mum when you're eating crackers." Mitchell, age 12

"Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a Tic-Tac." Andrew, age 9

"Never hold a Dustbuster and a cat at the same time." Kyoyo, age 9

"You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk." Armir, age 9

"Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts." Kellie, age 11

"If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse." Naomi, age 15

"Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick." Lauren, age 9

"Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat. " Joel, age 10

"When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone." Alyesha, age 13

"Never try to baptize a cat. " Eileen, age 8

Thought this one was pretty good,


For those that can't understand the Enron Case

This is put in the simplest form so that every one can
understand.
An old country farmer with serious financial
problems bought a mule from another old farmer for
$100, who agreed to deliver the mule the next day.
However, the next day he drove up and said,
"Sorry, but I have some bad news: The mule died."
"Well, then, just give me my money back."
"Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
"OK, then. Just unload the mule."
"What ya gonna do with a dead mule?"
"I'm going to raffle him off."
"You can't raffle off a dead mule!"
"Sure I can. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."
A month later the two met up and the farmer who
sold the mule asked, "Whatever happened with that dead
mule?"
"I raffled him off just like I said I would. I sold
500 tickets at $2 a piece and made a profit of $998."
"Didn't anyone complain?"
"Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."


James

I know I'll get in trouble for this but oh Well...........


For men tired of receiving Male-Bashing Jokes

1- How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
2- Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a
woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing
Machine will probably never be able to support you.
3- Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to
Stand closer to the kitchen sink.
4- How do you know when a woman is about to say something
intelligent? When she starts her sentence with "A man once
told me..."
5- How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
6- Why do men break wind more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the
Required pressure.
7- If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is
yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog,
of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

8- I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was
always.
9- I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months:
I don't like to interrupt her.
10- Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a
woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called a Wedding Cake.
11- Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me "What's
on the TV?" I said, "Dust!
12- In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then
God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
15- Why do married men live longer than single men? They are trying to outlive their wives so they can be single again.
16- A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping
on Rodeo Drive and said,
"I haven't eaten anything for days." She looked at him and
said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."
17- Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of
Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad: "That happens in every country, son."
18- A man inserted an advertisement in the classified: "Wife
Wanted." The next day he received a hundred letters. They
all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
19- The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday
is to forget it once.

20- Women will never be equal to men until they can walk
down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still
think they are beautiful.

And finally, the Vet
There was once an aspiring veterinarian who put himself
through veterinary school working nights as a taxidermist.
Upon graduation, he decided he could combine his two
vocations to better serve the needs of his patients and their
owners, while doubling his practice and, therefore, his
income. He opened his own new offices with a shingle on
the door saying, "Dr. Jones, Veterinary Medicine and
Taxidermy - Either way, you get your dog back! "

There was a farmer who had four daughters. One night, he heard a knock at the door and found a young man standing there. The young man said,

"My name is Freddy.
I've come to pick up Betty.
We're going out for spaghetti.
I hope she's ready."

The farmer thought that this was cute, so he let them go out. Pretty soon there was another knock at the door and another young man was there. He said,

"My name is Vance.
I've come for Nance.
We're going to a dance.
Is she ready by chance?"

Again, the farmer thought this was cute and let them go. Soon, another knock on the door with yet another young man standing there. He said,

"My name is Moe.
I'm here to get Flo.
We're going to a show.
Is she ready to go?"

Again the farmer was amused and let them go. Once again, there was a knock on the door and a young man was standing there. He began,

"My name is Chuck."

The farmer shot him. :eek:

The inhabitants of ancient Egypt were called mummies.

They lived in the Sarah Dessert and travelled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are cultivated by irritation. The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of huge triangular cubes. The Pyramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain.

The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. ln the first book of the Bibel, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, once asked, "Am I my brother's son?" God asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob, Son of Isaac, stole his brother's birthmark. Jacob was a patriarch who brought up his twelve sons to be patriarchs but they did not take to it. One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites.

Pharoah forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Moses lead them to the Red Sea, where they made bread without any ingredients. Afterwards Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. Moses wandered in the desert for a long time with his flashlights. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines.

Without the Greeks we wouldn't have history. The Greeks invented three kinds of columns, Corinthian, Doric and Ironic. They also had myths. A myth is a female moth. One myth says that a mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he became intolerable. Achilles appears in The Illiad, by Homer. Homer also the Oddity, in which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of the same name.

Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around advising people. They killed him. Then he died from an overdose of wedlock.

In the Olympic Games, the Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral reef. The government of Athens was democratic because the people took the law into their own hands. There were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so high that they couldn't climb over them to see what their neighbours were doing. When they fought with the Persians, the Greeks were outnumbered because the Persians had more men.

Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Greeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long. At Roman banquets, all the guests wore garlics in their hair. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the batttlefields of Gaul.

The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his poor subjects by playing the fiddle to them.

Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames, King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery, King Harold mustarded his troops before the Battle of Hastings, Joan of Arc was canonised by Bernard Shaw, and victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks. Finally, Magna Carta provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same offence.

In midevil times most of the people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many Poems and verses and also wrote literature. Another tale tells of William Tell who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head.

The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull.

It was the painter Donatello's interest in the female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh is an historical figure because he invented cigarettes. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper.

The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry VIII found walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee. Queen Elizabeth was the 'virgin Oueen'. As a queen she was a success. When Elizabeth exposed herself before her troops, they all shouted "hurrah". Then her navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo.

The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. Shakespeare never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He lived at Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies and errors. In one of Shakespeare's famous plays, Hamlet rations out his situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquoy. In another, Lady Macbeth tries to convince Macbeth to kill the king by attacking his manhood.

Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton who wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.

During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered American while cursing the Atlantic. His ships were called the Pinta, the Nina and the Santa Fe. Later the Pilgrims crossed the Atlantic and this was known as the Pilgrim's Progress. When they landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by the Indians, who came down the hill rolling their war hoops before them.

The indian squabs carried porpoises on their backs. Many of the Indian heroes were killed, along with their cabooses, which proved very fatal to them. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.

One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was that the English put tacks in the tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. During the War, the Red Coats and Paul Revere were throwing balls over stone walls. The dogs were barking and the peacocks crowing. Finally, the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis.

Delegates from the original thirteen colonies formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson was a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of independence. Franklin had gone to Boston carrying all his clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each arm. He invented electricity by rubbing cats backward and declared, "a horse divided against itself cannot stand". Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

George Washington married Martha Curtis and in due time became the Father of our Country. Then the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.

Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent.

Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in log cabin which he built with his own hands. When Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall silk hat. He said," in onion there is strength". Abraham Lincoln wrote the Gettysburg Address while travelling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope.

He also freed the slaves by writing the Emasculation Proclamation, and the Fourteenth Amendment gave the ex-Negroes citizenship. But the Clue Clux Clan would torcher and lynch the ex-Negroes and other innocent victims. It claimed it represented law and odor. On the night of April 14, 1865, LincoIn went to the theatre and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposedly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.

Meanwhile, in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltaire invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy. Gravity was invented by Isaac Walton. It is chiefly notable in the Autumn, when the apples are falling off the trees.

Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large. Bach died from 175O to the present. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died of this.

France was in a very serious state. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened. The Marsellaise is the theme song of the French Revolution, and it catapulted into Napoleon. During the Napoleonic Wars, the crowned heads of Europe were trembling in their shoes. Then the Spanish gorillas came down from the hills and nipped at Napoleon's flanks. Napoleon became ill with bladder problems and was very tense and unrestrained. He wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't bear children.

The sun never sets on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun is in the West Queen Victoria was the Iongest Queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years.

Her reclining years and finally the end of her life were exemplatory of a great personality. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.

The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions and thoughts. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Samuel Morse invented a code of telepathy. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered radium. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.

The First World World War which was started by the assignation of the Archduck by a surf, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.

Laura,

ROFLMAO !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

hee...hee...hee...hee...hee...sniff..sniff..hee...hee...sniff

Haven't laughed that hard since my hippie days

James

Try these....
The beguiling ideas about science quoted here were gleaned from essays, exams, and classroom discussions. Most were from 5th and 6th graders. They illustrate Mark Twain's contention that the 'most interesting information comes from children, for they tell all they know and then stop.' Prepare to be enlightened....

A blizzard is when it snows sideways.

A census taker is man who goes from house to house increasing the population.

A circle is a figure with no corners and only one side.

A city purifies its water supply by filtering the water then forcing it through an aviator.

A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.

A monsoon is a French gentleman.

A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two
molars, and eight cuspidors.

A scout (like most adults today) obeys all to whom obedience is due and respects all duly constipated authorities.

A student in a science class wrote, "The universe is a giant orgasm". Atthe end of the student's essay, the teacher riposted, "Your answer gives new meaning to the Big Bang Theory."

A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.

A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go.

A virgin forest is a forest where the hand of man has never set foot.

All animals were here before mankind. The animals lived peacefully until mankind came along and made roads, houses, hotels, and condoms.

Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull.

Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.

Cadavers are dead bodies that have donated themselves to science. This procedure is called gross anatomy.

Clouds are high flying fogs.

Clouds just keep circling the earth around and around. And around. There is not much else to do.

Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dogs tongue will kill the strongest man.

Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.

Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa.

For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart

For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.

For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it.

For drowning: Climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artificial perspiration.

For fainting: Rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor.

For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat.

Genetics explains why you look like your father and if you don't, why you should.

Germinate: To become a naturalized German.

H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water.

Humidity is the experience of looking for air and finding water.

I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to do it, and that is the important thing.

In looking at a drop of water under a microscope, we find there are twice as many H's as O's.

In some rocks you can find the fossil footprints of fishes.

In spring, the salmon swim upstream to spoon.

In the middle of the 18th century, all the morons moved to Utah.

Involuntary muscles are not as willing as voluntary ones.

Iron was discovered because someone smelt it.

Isotherms and isobars are even more important than their names sound.

It is so hot in some places that the people there have to live in other places.

Lime is a green-tasting rock.

Liter: A nest of young puppies.

Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat.

Many dead animals in the past changed to fossils while others preferred to be oil.

Marie Curie did her research at the Sore Buns Institute in France.

Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away.

Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change back into a sun in the daytime.

Most of the houses in France are made of plaster of Paris.

Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.

Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state.

One by-product of raising cattle is calves.
One of the main causes of dust is janitors.

Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky.

Rain is often known as soft water, oppositely known as hail.

Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration.

Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.

Some oxygen molecules help fires burn while others help make water, so sometimes it's brother against brother.

Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun. But I have never been able to make out the numbers.

South America has cold summers and hot winters, but somehow they still manage.

Syntax is all the money collected at the church from sinners.

The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana.

The blood circulates through the body by flowing down one leg and up the other.

The body consists of three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowls, of which there are five - a, e, i, o, and u.

The climate is hottest next to the Creator.

The earth makes a resolution every 24 hours.

The four seasons are salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

The future of "I give" is "I take."

The general direction of the Alps is straight up.

The inhabitants of Moscow are called Mosquitoes.

The law of gravity says no fair jumping up without coming back down.

The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader.

The parts of speech are lungs and air.

The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 opossums.

The pistol of a flower is its only protection agenst insects.

The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off.

The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to.

The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top and you sit on the bottom.

The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

The word trousers is an uncommon noun because it is singular at the top and plural at the bottom.

There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to be discovered. Finding them all means living forever.

There is a tremendous weight pushing down on the center of the Earth because of so much population stomping around up here these days.

Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars.

Thunder is a rich source of loudness.

To collect fumes of sulfur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.

To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow.

To most people solutions mean finding the answers. But to chemists solutions are things that are still all mixed up.

To prevent contraception: wear a condominium.

To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.

Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives.

Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they're there.

Water freezes at 32 degrees and boils at 212 degrees. There are 180 degrees between freezing and boiling because there are 180 degrees between north and south.

Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.

Water vapor gets together in a cloud. When it is big enough to be called a drop, it does.

We do not raise silk worms in the United States, because we get our silk from rayon. He is a larger worm and gives more silk.

We keep track of the humidity in the air so we won't drown when we breathe.

We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.

When oxygen combines with anything, heat is given off. This is known as constipation.

When they broke open molecules, they found they were stuffed with atoms. But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions.

When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire.

When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.

Wind is like the air, only pushier.

Hi Everybody,

Some good cartoons form Dilbert on TQM and ISO...

http://www.users.globalnet.co.uk/~farhad/dilbert.htm

Hope you like them,
Greetings,
Martin

Laura,
That was great but darn-it we aren't supposed to have this much fun on a Monday. Are We?

Don't know what this might say about the educational system, but the logic in some of them makes me think there are some fine auditors being trained.:vfunny: :ko: :bonk: :truce:

James

A little late on this reply - but for the golf-talk a page back, I was at the US Open. Yep - Tiger is something. Got close to him only once. No way was I following him in that crowd. We parked it on 12 on Saturday and 8, 11 and 17 on Sunday. We followed Daly, Norman, Sluman, Cabrerra - couple others for a bit. Mostly to walk the entire course. Now the son and hubby want to return to the course to golf it.

Had a blast. Never been to NYC before so we did Times Square, and experience Jamaica station in Queens to get to the open. Gotta get back to Manhatten. We definately didn't have enough time there.

Laura

Guys,

I was just made aware of this, so I thought I would share it with you.

Had to add something!
Every teenager should get a high school education._ Even if they already
know everything.

I read recipes the same way_ I read science fiction. I get to the end and
think, "Well, that's not going to_ happen."

If you're playing a poker game and you look around the table and can't tell
who the sucker is; it's you.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of
nothing.

The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an
argument going.

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks
about seeing UFOs like they use to.

You know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on
two legs then you lean too far and you almost fall over but at the last
second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.

According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about
women are their eyes. And women say the first thing they_ notice about men
is they're a bunch of liars.

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to
criticism.

Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a
substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?

I'm not 40-something. I'm 39.95, plus shipping and handling.

In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is
weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to
realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what
the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly_ disappear and be
replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another
theory which states that this has already happened.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole
box to start a campfire?

Doctors can be frustrating. You wait a_ month-and-a-half for an
appointment, and he says, "I wish you'd come to me sooner."

In politics, stupidity is not a handicap. -_ Napoleon Bonaparte

True Travel Agent Stories...
1- I had someone ask for an aisle seat on the plane so that her hair would not be messed up by being near the window.

2- A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"

3- I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make HER look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." Her response; . . . click.

4- A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a
very thin state."

5- I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." He said "But they look so close on the map."

6- Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time."

7- A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!

8- I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them.

9- A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola on one of those computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever."

10- A man called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double-checked and sure enough, his stay definitely required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China
four times and every time they have accepted my American Express."

11- A woman called to make reservations; "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York." The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent asks: "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer.
After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere." The customer retorted, "Oh don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and
finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" "That's it! I knew it was a big animal!"


James
:vfunny:

Jim

Yes it is exactly like that !!

P.S. the line under your name, do you know of some impending apocalyptic disaster ? I thought the Mayans told us we had until 2012 ?

Wasnt our last summer back in 1976 ?

Our last summer was yesterday...113 in the shade.:eek:

It most likely wil start warming up from here on.:biglaugh:

Jim,

What's a salary review???

Time to get motivated.... (or demotivated)

... the saga continues ...

A Japanese company and an American company decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River. Both the teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance before the race.
On the big day the Japanese won by a mile.

Afterward, the American team became very discouraged and morally depressed. The American management decided the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found. A “Management Team” made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action.

Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team had 8 persons steering and one person rowing.

So American management hired a consulting company and paid them an incredible amount of money. They advised that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing.

To prevent losing to the Japanese again next year, the rowing team’s management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager. They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the “RowingTeam Quality First Program,” with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rower. “We must give the rower the empowerment and enrichments through this quality program.”

The next year the Japanese won by two miles.

Humiliated, the American management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and canceled all capital investments fornew equipment. Then they distributed the money saved as bonuses to the senior executives.

This may get me in hot water - but us guys have a right to know... This was smuggled to me from a female friend (yes ladies - guys can have female friends... :D )


Woman Speak

FINE ~ This is the word we use at the end of any argument that we feel we are right about but need to shut you up. NEVER use fine to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.

FIVE MINUTES ~ This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so I feel that it's an even trade.

NOTHING ~ If you ask her what is wrong and she says NOTHING, this means something and you should be on your toes. NOTHING is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last FIVE MINUTES and end with the word FINE.

GO AHEAD (with raised eyebrows) ~ This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over NOTHING and will end with the word FINE.

GO AHEAD (normal eyebrows) ~ This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care." You will get a raised eyebrow "Go ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by NOTHING and FINE and she will talk to you in about FIVE MINUTES when she cools off.

LOUD SIGH ~ This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement very misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over NOTHING.

SOFT SIGH ~ Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe and she will stay content.

THAT'S OKAY ~ This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you retributions for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go ahead." At some point in the near future when she
has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

PLEASE DO ~ This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay."

THANKS ~ A woman is thanking you. Do not faint; just say "you're welcome."

THANKS A LOT ~ This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing."

The latest ploy to drive the Taliban and Al Queda out of the mountains
of Afghanistan is to send in a team of South Carolina Special Forces.
Billy Bob, Bubba, Boo, Scooter, and Cooter are being sent in with the
following information about the Taliban:

1. There is no limit.
2. The season opened last weekend.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don't like beer, pickup trucks, country music, or Jesus.
5. Some are queer.
6. They don't like barbeque.
7. They were responsible for Dale Earnhardt's racing death.

Should be over in just about a week. Don't you think?

You all know I have a mean streak? I thought I'd share a practical joke with you all

It concerns PC's and screen savers.

When a coworker leaves the computer unattended you sneak a few changes in:

Find some suitable soundfile. Copy it and rename the file ending to ".scr", and put it in the same directory as the other .scr files (screensavers).

Go to the screensaver settings and select the file you just fiddled with. Set it to start after... say 5 mins of inactivity.

Turn the volume way up...

Then sneak away and wait for the coworker to return. After five minutes the "screensaver" soundfile strikes: Suddenly it booms from the speakers. You can expect the victim to jump out of the chair.:vfunny: After every 5 minutes of inactivity it strikes again...

/Claes

Yep, you are mean. Hmmmmm, who can I try it on?

Claes Gefvenberg said:

When a coworker leaves the computer unattended you sneak a few changes in:

/Claes

My favorite is to record some messages like "Ah man, insert name here, why'd ya do that" and then go into the settings and save it for the typical wave file for error, maybe "help, me" for close file, etc. This works especially well for those coworkers that are typically referred to as Induhviduals by Scott Adams of Dilbert fame.

You guys will be greasing doorknobs and putting shoepolish on telescope eyepieces next...

Don't be silly, we are doing that now!

Subject: Daddy's Dating Rules

Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "Barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five: It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: "early"

Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden tool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house.

Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveways you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

Five cannibals get appointed as engineers in a defense company. During the welcoming ceremony the boss says, "You're all part of our team now. You can earn good money here, and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat. So please don't trouble any of the other employees." The cannibals promised.

Four weeks later the boss returns and says, "You're all working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you. However, one of our janitors has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to him?"

The cannibals all shake their heads no.

After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others, "Which of you idiots ate the janitor?"

A hand raises hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals replies, "You fool! For four weeks we've been eating Team Leaders, Supervisors and Project Managers and no one noticed anything, and you have to go and eat the janitor!"

A wise guide for all whom either ride Bikes of the motor'd kind or perch on the back and spoil the handling....


The PJ Guide to Pillions
You know how it is when you eye up a fresh pillion, intending to
indulge in consenting motorcycling with them - you wonder what it'll
be like, how you'll cope with that special close contact, whether
you'll enjoy it, whether they'll respect you afterwards. All too
often your enthusiasm gets the better of you when you go for it, and
your pillion slaps you, shrieking "I'm not that kind of pillion!",
and it seems that the problem is really not knowing what kind of
pillion you actually are facing - well, to help you out in this
matter, here's the PJ Guide to Pillions.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
----------

Fork Bottomer
FB, aka Fat Bastard, sits like a sack of potatoes on your
overstressed bike. Helps you pull monster wheelies though, even on
C90's. But watch out you don't get pulled off too. If you do get
pulled off, though, you get a guaranteed soft landing, and the
pleasure of flattening the FB.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
----------

Flyweight
Delightful. You don't notice they're there. Occasionally pound at
your back when you're really enjoying yourself 'cos you've forgotten
they're there. Worth checking to see if they're still there now and
then; you may have dropped them at the lights. The
looking-over-the-shoulder routine you're taught to have as a reflex
proves invaluable with these pillions.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
----------

Petrified
These pillions are the best. They remain frozen with fear and you
forget they're there. Take a crowbar with you to prise them off the
seat afterwards though.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
----------

Terrified
These are a challenge. Unlike Petrified, Terrified moves all over the
place, counter-leaning in corners, clenching their buttocks and
squirming on their seat as you filter through traffic, emitting
pitiful cries of unhappiness as you blast off from the lights...
truly annoying. Cure by applying more terror until they become
Petrified.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
----------

Mumbler/regional-accent-handicapped
Can't hear/understand a word this pillion says. Impossible to swap
witty remarks with, especially in the cut-and-thrust of London
traffic. Eg: "I cannaestrudelfitzlochgommrag." "What?" "I
cannaestrudelfitzlochgommrag." "Er...what?" "I
CANNAESTRUDELFITZLOCHGOMMRAG." "Hunh?" "I
CANNAESTRUDELFITZLOCHGOMMRAG." "What? Oh soddit, the lights have
changed" (repeat at every set of lights) Frustrating.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
----------

Indifferent
Not impressed by the smoothest corners, the beefiest blast offs, the
wildest of wheelies and the most perceptive, prescient and
pre-emptive of roadcraft; this pillion knows no fear either. Riders
are mystified by this one, though theories abound: Possibly a
despatch rider's panniers in a previous life. Possibly plays Russian
Roulette in spare time. Possibly a follower of the Roger Moore school
of method acting. Check pulse - possibly dead - to avoid confusing
with the Petrified pillion.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
----------

Asleep
Like Indifferent, but with the reason that this pillion is dozing
off. Occasionally wakes up with a sudden movement or falls off. Cure
with coffee, or letting them fall off. Or try and be less
enthusiastic in bed the night before with your pillion, if that's the
cause.


----------------------------------------------------------------------
----------

Backseat driver
Type A: Non-vocal
Usually people with their own bike who're scrounging a lift off you.
They send useful feedback about your riding style, mostly non-verbal
(eg clutching you really hard just when you're really enjoying a
corner).
Warning: If this pillion expects you to take a turning you will find
your bike is heading that way regardless of your own wishes, just
because the pillion has leant that way. Very disconcerting.

Type B: Vocal
Gives a running commentary of everybody and everything on the road -
eg: "Bastard! Try using your indicators, fat-arse Jaguar!", "Leaf
litter!", "Golly, what a pothole!" "AGGH! Volvo Battlecruiser in
sight!" Takes while to get rid of the feeling that your mind has
developed an echo. Mildly disconcerting, then you get used to it.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
----------

No-Way-Am-I-Gay (The Jason Syndrome)
If the pilot's a bloke, and the pillion is too, this personality
trait sometimes shows up in the pillion: The pillion tries perching
as far away from the bloke in front as is feasible, keeping hands off
the pilot. No-Way-Am-I-Gay ocassionally falls off under acceleration,
but prefers that to being thought gay. Usually Italian or Greek. Will
kick your head in if you tell him he's insecure (even though you only
meant he'll find it hard to stay on).
Watch out when accelerating:

For wheelies
For feet in the armpits as the pillion heroically attempts to stay on
without doing anything so poofy as to grab on to the bloke in front.
Hopeless.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
----------

Joker
Amuses himself (rarely herself) by witty little jokes designed to
endear himself to other road users.
Typical Joker actions:

With cigarette in hand, to open-top car driver while cruising along:
"scuse me mate, you got a light?"
To open-top car driver who has just refused the Joker's request for a
light, and mumbled "Don't be stupid, you'll kill yourself": "No,
'salright mate, honest. I'm down to five a day now!"
To car driver with smokey exhaust: "Your car's belching out a lot of
smoke." Followed by long belch through car window.
At the lights next to a driver who's been on the car phone: "Ah, a
telephone box!" Followed by urinating into car.
Incurable, but fortunately rare (doesn't live long).
----------------------------------------------------------------------
----------
Well, this guide has now covered the main categories of pillion -
learn from it, and may you and your pillion be blessed with many,
many happy miles together!
C Pawan Jaitly, Jan 1993.

> READ FIRST, THEN OPEN PICTURE
>
> The other day I was in Halfords. A lady comes in and asks for a "seven
> ten cap". We all looked at each other and said, "What's a seven ten
> cap?" She said "You know, it's right on the engine. Mine got lost
> somehow and I need a new one.
> "What does it do?
> She said she didn't know, but its always been there.
> The assistant gave her a note pad and asked her if she could draw a
> picture. So she makes a circle about 3 inches in diameter and in the
> centre she writes 710.
> WOMEN..........KNOW YOUR LIMITS

Jim and Anne were both patients in a Mental Hospital.

One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Anne suddenly jumped into the deep end. She sunk to the bottom and stayed there. Jim promptly jumped in to save her. He swam to the bottom and pulled Anne out.


When the medical director became aware of Jim's heroic act he
immediately ordered him to be discharged from the hospital, as
he now considered him to be mentally stable.

When he went to tell Jim the news he said, "Jim, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is, Anne, the patient you saved, hung herself with her bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but she's dead."



Jim replied, "She's not dead, I put her there to dry."

This is quite interesting..
Weird Facts 6
>
>
> THINGS YOU DIDN'T KNOW
> YOU DIDN'T KNOW Vol.6
>
> >
> Did you know...
>
> It is impossible to lick your elbow.
>
> A crocodile can't stick its tongue out. >
> >
> A shrimp's heart is in its head.
>
> In a study of 200,000 ostriches
> over a period of 80 years,
> no one reported a single case where
> an ostrich buried its head in the sand.

> It is physically impossible
> for pigs to look up into the sky.
>
>A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.
>
> More than 50% of the people in the world
> have never made or received a telephone call.
>
> Horses can't vomit.
>
> The "sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick"
> is said to be the toughest tongue twister
> in the English language.

>
> If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib.
> If you try to suppress a sneeze,
> you can rupture a blood vessel
> in your head or neck and die.
> If you keep your eyes open by force,
> they can pop out.
>
>
> Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months,
> two rats could have over a million descendants.

> Wearing headphones for just an hour
> will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times.
>
> If the government has no knowledge of aliens,
> then why does Title 14, Section 1211
> of the Code of Federal Regulations,
> implemented on July 16, 1969,
> make it illegal for U.S. citizens to have any contact
> with extraterrestrials or their vehicles?
>
> In every episode of Seinfeld
> there is a Superman somewhere.
>
> A duck's quack doesn't echo,
> and no one knows why.
>
> 23% of all photocopier faults worldwide
> are caused by people sitting on them
> and photocopying their butts.
>
> Most lipstick contains fish scales.
>
> Like fingerprints,
> everyone's tongue print is different.
>
> Over 75% of people who read this
> will try to lick their elbow.

This is quite a serious test...see how you score. The result could be an early warning. Apparently, I'm in danger of burnout!

The Stress Quiz
Answer the following questions. Then follow the self-scoring instructions to find out how stressed you are.
>> Do you tire more easily these days?
> Are you easily irritated when driving?> Are you generally easily irritated?
>> Are you working harder and accomplishing less?
>> Do you feel fatigued and less energetic?
>> Cynical and disenchanted?
>> Are you sad but can't pinpoint why?
>> Having trouble sleeping?
>> Forgetting appointments, promises, deadlines?
>> Do you feel tired upon awakening?
>> Do you have less and less time for friends and family?
>> Too busy to do routine things like phoning, reading reports?
>> Are aches and pains bothering you?
>> Are you unable to listen to others without interrupting?
>> When the workday is over, do you feel disoriented?
>> Do you rarely laugh at a joke?
>> Do you need medication, drugs or alcohol to feel calm?
>> Do you worry over trivial things?
>> Is it hard for you to concentrate at work?
>> Does sex seem more trouble than it's worth?
>> Do you find yourself eating just to take the edge off?
>> Do you often find people difficult to deal with?
Self-Scoring
Give yourself five (5) points for each "Yes" and subtract 1/2 point for each "No."



If you score:
Less than 10: Congratulations! You are managing stress very well.
11 - 20: Pretty good. You could, however, learn to relax a little more.
21 - 30: There is much in your life that needs to be adjusted.
31 - 40: Serious but salvagable, if you stress-proof now.
41 - 50: Very serious, consider major changes in your attitudes.
51+ Critical. You are in imminent danger of burnout and/or collapse.

I got 106

I got 99......depressing ain't it?

You work hard at your job and your life, only to be told you're gonna burnout.....saying that though......I realy do need a holiday!!!!

Laura

I am off to Tenerife on Friday - looking forward to it immensly !!

Gonna chill out with a copy of Robert Bauvals 'Secret Chamber' - his theories are nearly as mind blowing as Jim Wades (ha ha)

There was this "Husband Shopping Center" where a woman could go to choose from among many men for her husband. It was laid out in five floors, with men of increasingly positive attributes as you ascended up the floors.

The only rules were once you opened the door to any floor, you must choose a man from that floor, and if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place. So, a couple of girlfriends go to the place to find men.


The first floor door said: These men have jobs and love kids.
The girls said, "Well thats better than not having jobs, or not loving kids, but I wonder whats further up?" So up they go.

The Second Floor door said: These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking.
"Hummmm", the girls say, "but I wonder whats on the next floor."

Third Floor: "These men have high paying jobs are extremely good looking, love kids, and help with the housework.
"WOW", say the women, "Very tempting but there's more further up.

Fourth Floor: These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with housework, and have a strong romantic streak."
OH Mercy, they exclaim, But just think what must be on the fifth floor.

Fifth Floor: The sign read, "This floor is just to prove that women are impossible to please. Please exit the building and have a nice day.


James
(duck and cover:frust: )

On a tour of Scotland, the Pope took a couple of days off his itinerary to visit the North coast near Aberdeen on an impromptu sightseeing trip. His 4x4 Popemobile was driving along the golden sands when there was an enormous commotion heard just off the headland. They rushed to see what it was and upon approaching the scene the Pope noticed just outside the surf, a hapless man wearing an English football shirt, struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 20 foot shark.

At that moment a speedboat containing three men wearing Scottish football tops roared into view from around the point. Spontaneously, one of the men took aim and fired a harpoon into the shark's ribs, immobilising it instantly. The other two reached out and pulled the Englishman from the water and then, using long clubs, beat the shark to death.

They bundled the bleeding, semi concious man into the speedboat along with the dead shark and then prepared for a hasty retreat, when they heard frantic shouting from the shore. It was of course the Pope, and he summoned them to the beach.

Upon them reaching the shore the Pope went into raptures about the rescue and said, "I give you my blessing for your brave actions. I had heard that there were some racist xenophobic people trying to divide Scotland and England, but, now I have seen with my own eyes this is not true. I can see that your society is a truly enlightened example of racial harmony and could serve as a model on which other nations could follow." He blessed them all and drove off in a cloud of dust.

As he departed the harpoonsist asked the others "Who wha that ???!"
"That," one answered, "wa his Holiness tha Pope. He is in direct contact wi God and ha access to all God's wisdom."

"Aye well," the harpoonist replied, "he knows nothing about shark hunting. How's the bait holding up or do we need to get another ain ?"

<center>Bad Jokes (http://Elsmar.com/pdf_files/Bad Jokes - 20020727.mp3)

Light Bulb Jokes (http://Elsmar.com/pdf_files/Light Bulb Jokes - 20020727.mp3)

(These are mp3 files)</center>

Haven't seen this one posted and I don't know who to give "credit" to but here goes (I apologize if it is a repeat):

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a man below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 42 degrees north latitude and 58 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the man, "but how did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information; and the fact is that I am still lost."

The man below responded, " You must be a manager."

"I am," replied the balloonist, " but how did you know?"

"Well," said the man,"you don't know where you are or where you are going, you made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is, you are in exactly the same position you were before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

-------------------

This was in the "Washington Post"... the title of the article was "Best Comeback Line Ever."


Police arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22-year-old white male,
resident of Dacula, GA, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38 p.m.
Friday.
Lawrence will be charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour,
public indecency, and public intoxication at the Gwinnett County
courthouse on Monday. The suspect allegedly stated that as he
was passing a pumpkin patch, he decided to stop.

"You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was
no one around here for miles. At least I thought therewasn't," he
stated in a phone interview from the jail.

Lawrence went on to state that he pulled over to the side of the
road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his
purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged
"need." "I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he
commented with evident embarrassment.

In the process, Lawrence apparently failed to notice the Gwinnett
County police car approaching and was unaware of his audience
until officer Brenda Taylor approached him.

"It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said officer Taylor.
"I walked up to (Lawrence) and he's...just working away at this
pumpkin." Taylor went on to describe what happened when she
approached Lawrence. "I just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir,
but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?'

He got real surprised, as you'd expect, and then looked me
straight in the face and said,

"A pumpkin? ****...is it midnight already?" :thedeal:

Ok, I know we've been on about this before, but I just couldn't help myself... I had to share this picture with you. Ladies. You are welcome to chide us not so gentle men..:vfunny:

/Claes

Claes,

Nice one. It reminds me of a very funny 3 minute movie I have called "women drivers". I got it in an e-mail and it is darn near a cinema-quality movie -- not animation. I'd love to post it but it is a 7 MB MPEG file and most folks cannot even receive 7 MB e-mails and I think the Cove limit is under 1 MB.

Claes - good picture of parallel parking. I think I know why she did this - she didn't want anyone hitting the side of her car with their door! Not a bad idea, but it sure does look funny. Just imagine if everyone started doing that!

In the wake of the Exxon/Mobil deal and the AOL/Time Warner implode, I
wanted to make a few close friends aware of the next expected mergers
so you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks. Watch for
these consolidations in late 2002 and make yourself a bundle.

1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush and W.R.Grace
Co. will merge and become ...Hale,Mary,Fuller,Grace.

2. Polygram Records, Warner Bros. and Zesta Crackers join forces and become...P
olly, Warner, Cracker.

3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and issue forth as ...MMMGood.

4. Zippo Mfg., Audi Motor Car, Dofasco and Dakota Mining will merge to
become, of course, ... ZipAudiDoDa.

5. Federal Express is expected to join its major competitor, UPS, and
consolidate as ... FedUP

6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become ...Fairwell
Honeychild.

7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become...Poupon Pants.


8. Knotts Berry Farm and the Nat'l Org. of Women will become ... Knott
NOW!!!

NEVER SAY TO A COP:

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't
plugged in.

3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up
with me. Good job!

5. Are You Andy or Barney?

6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical
condition to be a police officer.

7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

8. I pay your salary!

9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave
me a warning too!

10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so
one of us does.

11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there
are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they
are.

12. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red,
have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond
with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been
eating doughnuts?"

Jim

With regard to your previous question the auditor cannot change the light bulb, the bulb has to want to change !

Jim,

Point taken on the light bulb question. I guess if lawyers, lawmakers, and Presidents can debate on the meaning of the word "is" I suppose there is no way Q professionals and auditors will ever fully agree on the interpretation of ISO 9001!

You guys ar WRONG!!!!!!

The auditor is not responsible for the corrective action. 8.2.2:

"The management responsible for the area being audited shall ensure that actions taken..."

It is not our jobs to change the light bulb. All we have to do is to come to consensus on:

a) is the light bulb working
b) is this a nonconformance

Is it in the job description to change lightbulbs? I change mine in my desk lamp. Should I have called a union official or the maintenance department???? Will I recieve a Union Grievance or a Non-Conformance?????? I didn't refer to my work instruction but I did turn it off first, is that okay? This is the first one I've gone through this year, but I am keeping a pareto chart and I do have an approximate hours used. Can that be used as SPC??
What does ISO 14000 say about the disposal??

But it's Friday and why should I care about a light bulb?? Have a great POETS day.

Sorry if this is a repeat.

A little boy goes to his Dad and asks, "What is politics?".

Dad says,"Well, son let me try to explain it to you this way... I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me 'Capitalism'. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the household, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of YOUR needs, so we'll call you 'The People'. The nanny, well, she works hard all day for very little money, so we'll consider her 'The Working Class'. And your baby brother... we'll call him 'The Future'. Now, think about that and see if it makes sense."

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what his Dad said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks into the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."

The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you
think politics is all about".

:thedeal:
The little boy replies, "Well, While Capitalism is screwing the
Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, The People are
being ignored, and the Future is in Deep ****.

I don't see anything wrong!!!

Randy Stewart said:

I don't see anything wrong!!!

I do, the lady has too many bubbles covering her! J/K:bonk:

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where
the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma
couldn't speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed
to communicate.

After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to
the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up,
and stuffed pillows on her right. A short time later, she started
leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed
pillows on her left. Soon she started leaning forward, so the family
members again grabbed her, then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold
her up.
A nephew who arrived late came running up to Grandma and said, "Hi
Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?" Grandma
took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew,
"They won't let me fart."

An old Italian's confession
An elderly Italian man asked the local priest to hear his confession:
"Father, during WW2 a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to
hide her from the Germans. I hid her in my attic."
The priest replied, "That was a wonderful thing you did and you have no need
to confess."
"It's worse, Father. I was weak and told her she must repay me with her
sexual favors."
"You were both in great danger and would have suffered terribly if the
Germans had found her. God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good
and the evil and judge you kindly. You are forgiven."
"Thank you, Father, That's a great load off my mind. I have one more
question."
"And what is that?" asked the priest.
The old man replied, "Should I tell her the war is over?"
:vfunny: :smokin:

Irish man at a baseball game
An Irishman moves to the USA & finally attends his first baseball game. The first batter approached the batters box, took a few swings and then hit a double. Everyone was on their feet screaming "Run, Run." The next batter hit a single & the Irishman listened as the crowd again cheered "RUN, RUN."
The Irishman enjoyed the game & began screaming with the fans. The fifth batter came up and four balls went by. The umpire called "walk" and the batter started his slow trot to first base.
The Irishman stood up and screamed, "R-R-Run ye bastard, run!" The people around him began laughing. Embarrassed, the Irishman sat back down. A friendly fan noted the man's embarrassment, leaned over & explained, "He can't run, he's got four balls." The Irishman stood up and screamed,

"Walk with pride, laddie, walk with pride."

soooooooooo...let's consider for a moment he was watching a womans baseball game...he he!



Finally, a batter with four balls and a bloated granny...:D

Not to forget an attic treasure....


I knew we still had some humor laying around!:lick:

A well-dressed business man walks into a coffee shop with a bucket of sh*t in one hand, and a shotgun in the other. He orders & drinks a cup of coffee, then throws the sh*t in the air, shoots it, and leaves.
Two days later, he returns & orders another cup of coffee. The shopkeeper says "I don't think so. We're still cleaning up from the last time you were here. What the h*ll was that all about?!?"
The man replies "I'm training to be a consultant. I show up, drink coffee, shoot the sh*t, then disappear for two days."

There was this poor old farmer on his way home with horse and wagon…

He spotted a snake slithering across the road right in front of him, and made the horse stop to avoid running over it. And behold: The snake was actually the Devil himself in disguise.

The snake looked at the farmer and said: -Thank you for sparing me. To show my gratitude I’ll grant you three wishes. You need but to name them.

The farmer didn’t need long to name his first wish: -Well you know, all my life I’ve been very poor and I’d like to be really wealthy for a change. –Very well, said the snake. Have a look in that chest under your bed tomorrow morning. You will find welth beyond anything you can imagine. And your next wish?

The farmer had never, even in his youth been particularly good-looking, and now, having reached old age he looked absolutely tattered, so he said: Could you make me young and handsome?

-But of course, said the snake. Have a look in the mirror tomorrow morning. I’m certain you’ll be happy with the result. –Now then: Your final wish?

-The farmer looked a bit sheepish and actually blushed a bit when he said: I’d like to be as well hung as the horse….

The snake recoiled a bit and replied. –All right. You can check the result tomorrow morning.

Naturally the farmer had a hard time going to sleep that evening. However, after several hours of twisting around in his bed exhaustion overcame him and he dozed off. In the morning he woke up and stretched and yawned before he remembered what had taken place the previous day. Then it hit him.

He immediately dove under his bed and pulled the chest open. It was brimming with gold. A look in the mirror proved that he was indeed young again, and looking like a greek god to boot. Then he dropped his pyjama trousers.

A second later his wailing could be heard all over the neighbourhood:

-Oh, Noooooooo! I forgot that I was driving the mare yesterday……!:bonk:

you may have read this & if not enjoy:biglaugh: :biglaugh: :bonk: :ko:

1) The sex was so good that even the neighbours had a cigarette.

2) I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

3) I Work Hard Because Millions on Benefit Depend on Me

4) Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

5) I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

6) Don't take life too seriously; you won't get out alive.

7) You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

8 Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

9) Earth.... is the insane asylum for the universe.

10) I'm not a complete idiot; some parts are missing.

12) Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

13) I don't have to be dead to donate my organ.

14) I want to die in my sleep, like my grandfather... not screaming
and yelling like the passengers in his car.

15) God must love stupid people; He made so many of them.

16) The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

17) It IS as BAD as you think and they ARE out to get you.

18 I took an IQ test.... and the results were negative.

19) Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

20) Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

21) Beer ~ The Reason I Get Up Each Afternoon!

22) I Must Be a Proctologist
> Because I Work With So Many Arseholes!

23) "That's It! I'm Calling Nana!" (seen on an 8-year old)

24) "Wrinkled.... Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I
Grew Up"

25) "Procrastinate..... Now"

26) "Rehab..... Is for Quitters"

27) "My Dog.... Can Lick Anyone

28 "I Have a Degree in Liberal
> Arts - Do You Want Fries With That?"

29) "Party - My Crib - Two A.M." (On a baby-size shirt)

30) "Finally 21, and Legally Able to do Everything I've been
> >doing since I was 15"

31) "Arkansas: One Million People and 15 last names"

32) "FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It
> comes bundled with the software."

33) "I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN AND I'VE GOT A GUN"

34) "A hangover is the wrath of grapes"

35) "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance"

36) "STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP.
> Park elsewhere!"

37) "DISCOURAGE INBREEDING - Ban
> Country Music"

38 "They call it PMS because Mad
> Cow Disease was already taken"

39) "He who dies with the most
> toys is nonetheless dead"

40) "Time is fun when you're
> having flies"...Kermit the Frog

41) "POLICE STATION TOILET STOLEN
> .... Cops have nothing to go on."

42) "FOR SALE - Iraqi rifle.
> Never fired. Dropped once."

43) "HECK IS WHERE PEOPLE GO WHO
> DON'T BELIEVE IN GOSH"

44) "HAM AND EGGS - A day's work
> for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig."

45) "WELCOME TO KENTUCKY - Set your watch back 20 years."

46) "The trouble with life is there's no background music."

47) "The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson."

48 "MOP AND GLOW - The Floor Wax used by Three Mile Island
> >cleanup team."

49) "NyQuil - The stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room
spinning-medicine."

50) "My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He
thought he was God and I didn't!"

Seen on a fortune cookie:

"Ignorance and confidence are all you need in life and success will surely follow."

If this is true, then I am going to be very succssful, since I don't have a clue as to what is going on. :vfunny: :vfunny: :vfunny:

A guy goes to a doctor and says, "Doc, you've got to help me.
My wanker is orange."

The doctor pauses to think and asks the guy to drop his pants so he
can check. ****ed if the guy's wanker isn't orange. Doc tells the guy,
"This is very strange. Sometimes things like this are caused by a lot of stress in a person's life."

Probing as to the causes of possible stress, the doc asks the guy,
"How are things going at work?"

The guy responds that he was fired about six weeks ago. The doctor tells him that this must be the cause of the stress. The guy
responds, "No. The boss was a real asshole, I had to work 20-30 hours of overtime every week and I had no say in anything that was happening.
I found a new job a couple of weeks ago where I can set my own hours, I'm getting paid double what I got on the old job and the boss is a really great guy."

So the doc figures this isn't the reason. He asks the guy, "How's
your home life?" The guy says, "Well, I got divorced about eight
months ago."

The doc figures that this has got to be the reason for all of the guys
stress.

But the guy says, "No. For years, all I listened to was nag, nag,
nag. God, am I glad to be rid of that old bitch!"

So the doc takes a few minutes to think a little longer. He inquires,
"Do you have any hobbies or a social life?"

The guy replies, "No, not really. Most nights I just sit at home,
watch some porno flicks and munch on Cheetos!!!"


:ko: :smokin:

In a recent Harris On-line poll 38,562 men across the US were asked to identify a woman's ultimate fantasy. 97.8% of the respondents said that a woman's ultimate fantasy is to have two men at once.

While this has been verified by a recent sociological study, it appears that most men do not realize that in this fantasy, one man is cooking and the other is cleaning.


:ko: :smokin:

It was just after midnight and John's wife realized that he was not in bed. She called for him and got no response. She was worried something may have happened to him and went from room to room looking for him. She finally found him in the kitchen, deep in thought looking at a cup of coffee. He did not move when she came in the room. She said, "You scared me. Didn't you here me calling for you?"

John said, "No, I'm sorry. I was just thinking, you know when your father found us making out in the back seat of my car in your driveway. He pointed his shotgun at me and said that I would have to marry you or go to jail for 20 years?"

John's wife got a tear in her I and kind of smiled, "Yes, I remember. What about it?"

John said, "I would have gotten out today."

Difinitions

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female......Any part under a car's hood.
Male........The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female......Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male........Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female......The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male........Leaving a note before taking off for a weekend with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female.......A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male.........Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's
girlfriend.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.v.
Female......A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male........Anything that can be done while drinking, and ends with sex.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female......An embarrassing byproduct of digestion.
Male........A source of entertainment,self-expression, & male bonding.

7. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female......The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male........Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up having sex.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.......A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male.........A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5
minutes.

Lucinda, just in case you end up here working for a supplier for the B3.
michigan accent pronunciation guide


Ahhh, Michigan! Land of big waters. Place where you point to the back of
your hand to give directions. Home of the Edmund Fitzgerald, Meijer
Thrifty Acres, and the Michigan Militia, as well as native musicians
Eminem, Madonna, and the Romantics. Admidit: you've alwayz waanted to tock
like yer from Michigin. Ev'ryone secritly does. The good neeuwz is that
't's easy an' fun... heere's how!

A little bit Fargo, a little bit Nasal Chicago, and a little bit Canadian,
the Michigan Accent was derived from a lot of the linguistic influences of
its early settlers: Irish, Finnish, Welsh and Dutch. In some areas,
particularly around blue collar parts of Detroit, hordes of poor
Southerners who came up the Dixie Highway to work on the assembly lines in
the early-to-mid 1900's have also injected a bit of Southern twang into
our Northern European heritage. The resulting mix is similar to a pirate
with a headcold... something my friends give me a hard time about quite
frequently.

Here are some tips ta help ya soun' like yer from the Moder Ciddy.

pronunciation tips

Let me tell ya, it is ****ED cold in Michigan, so you have GOT to conserve
energy. Consequently, the right way to speak Michigin is to 1) talk fast,
2) slur your words together, and 3) clip all your hard consonants, like
"t". As you finish a word that ends in a "t", don't actually say the
"t"... just stop all breath with your lungs. For example, "apartment"
becomes "aparh... meh..." (Say it really fast, and DON'T SAY THOSE Ts!).
There... now you've goddih!


TELLING TIME: "Quarter of three"? "Half past"? What the **** does that
mean? You may get a confused look if you say that to someone from Muskegon
or Kalamazoo. Every good Michiganian knows that when speaking of time
before the hour, you would say the word "to" rather than "of". You would
also slur it together and say "ta" instead of "to"... hence, "quarter of
three" becomes "quartertathree". You betcha.


FREEWAYS: In California, they tell you to take "The 405"... in Washington
DC, you get on "495". But in Michigan, since US, state and interstate
highways can have the same number, interstate highways are usually said
with an "I-" before the number. So to get to Detroit's Metro Airport, you
git in yer cahrr an' take "I-teoo-sevenny-five" to "I-ninedy-four".
Sometimes called freeways, sometimes expressways, but never "highways".

Speaking of freeways, if you drive west along I-96 from Detroit to
Muskegon, listening to radio stations along the way, you will notice the
nasality of the Michigan Accent get distinctly stronger and stronger the
entire trip.


how the Michigan A, and selected "cahnsineh's", are pronounced
A's are somewhere in between a short ă for the rest of the country, and
a short ĕ. It's not "ahh" like what the doctor asks you to say... more
like "aeh", with an emphasis on the "eh". Hold your nose shut if you
need assistance.
G's in verbs are usually silent. Notable exception: "tornado warning".
R's are always hard, and sound like a growl to a lot of people. Just
think of a pirate. ARRRrrrr.
T's, when in the middle of a word and not supported by another
consonant, are generally pronounced like a D. "Little" becomes "liddle",
"catatonic" becomes "cadatonic". When coupled with an "N", they get
dropped like the useless energy-wasting consonants that they are:
"cantaloupe" becomes "canalope", and "consonant" becomes "cahnsineh"
(DON'T SAY THAT T!).

helpful tiputha day

Remember the movie PeeWee's Big Adventure? Most folks from Michigan were
watching that movie thinking, "****, that Larrge Marrge sounds just like
my nexdoor neighberr when I was growin' up." It was the worst accent... I
ever seeeeeen.


travellers' advisory

*** WARNING *** WE INTERRUPT THIS PRONUNCIATION GUIDE TO BRING YOU THE
FOLLOWING TRAVELLERS' ADVISORY FROM THE MICHIGAN DEPARTMENT OF NATURAL
RESOURCES AND YOUR LOCAL TOURISM ASSOCIATION... Travellers visiting
Michigan's Upper Peninsula during the spring and summer vacation season
should under no circumstances wear dayglo or brightly colored clothing
while outdoors. Not only will you be considered to be A Fudgie, but your
body will be consumed by biting flies. You will feel like you are in a
Hitchcock movie, running for the car and dropping the camera, thus losing
all your pictures of Tahquamenon Falls. This is not a drill. You have been
warned. *** END ADVISORY *** DNR0034/FLEE


specific words

Here are some common Michigan pronunciations so that you can proudly walk
around and convincingly say you've been a Red Wings fan, ya know, like
since you were a kid.

"AK-cidih": Accident. "Got inta'a baad AKcidih' with my rennel cahrr." (in
the Texas Accent Pronunciation Guide, this is noted as "got inta a bay-ed
wreck in mah rent cawr.")

"aeh Narbor": Ann Arbor. Home of the Michigan Wolverines.

"Ashfault": Asphalt. It almost sounds like we're from Jersey, doesn't it?
(this one sent in by Bob)

"Aent": Aunt. When you hear Will Smith talk about his "awntie", doesn't
that just sound wrong?

"Bob-lo": Bois Blanc. The name shared by several Michigan islands (and a
former amusement park). Next time someone blows their nose: "Hey, it's the
Boblo Boat!"

"Bolth": Both. Suzanne, a fellow Michigan expat who, like me, ended up in
CincinNASTI says that we say "bolth". Is this true?

"Ciddy": City. Which ciddy in Michigin are ya from? Baddle Creek, er
AnNarbor?

"Cahngriss": Congress. Those guyz frum Waashingtin, DC.

"CAHL-yum": Column. In some parts of the state, they still say this.
Hmmm... I think I used to say this when I was a kid even. (Another one
sent in by the indefatigable David Pool.

"Char-LOTT": Charlotte, a Michigan village close to Lansing. Related:
Saline, MI, pronounced "SuhLEEN", its neighbor "MYlun" (spelled Milan),
and of course, Lake Orion, pronounced "OReeyun." This phenomenon is what
happens when townsfolk in the 1800's weren't quite sure how to pronounce
"all them fancy French" town names, and is actually much more prevalent
throughout Ohio (e.g., Delhi, OH, pronounced "Dell-High"; Lancaster, OH,
pronounced "LANKster"; Marseilles, OH, pronounced "MarSAYLES", and my
favorite, Bellefontaine, amazingly pronounced... "Bell Fountain"! Ohio
Public Schools is all I'm sayin'...)

"COMF-terbul": Comfortable. The caabz in those F150's are ****ed
comfterbul.

"Crick": Creek. According to Tristan, in some parts of the state, they say
"crick". Not so much in GraRapids. I think that's some kind of Hoosier
thingy...

"Deerburn": Dearborn, home of Ford Moder Company. Likely if you work there
that you work "at Ford's". Or maybe "K-Mart's". (Oh, I know, it's not
supposed to be possessive. Scientists are still trying to determine why
people from Michigan talk this way. For the record, folks: there is no
family with the last name of "K-Mart" that owns that corporation.)

"DihTROIH": Detroit. You can always tell a non-native because they'll say
"DEEtroit". Dear God, what a freaking insult, people! Ya soun' like-a
buncha hillbillies already. No, use that breath clipping mechanism and cut
off the T. Then accent the second syllable and cut off THAT T as well.
It's almost like two clipped words slurred together. Welcome to DihTroih!
It's not so bad! Just don't go a block off that main drag or we'll put ya
in the hahspidal.

"FI-yerr": Fire. Say it in two full syllables. You gotta love it when
Captain Janeway of Star Trek: Voyager launches an attack against some
troublesome alien species with a Midwestern accent! Perhaps we pronounce
it that way because we shop at Meijer. Texas pronunciation: "far".
Kentucky pronunciation: "fawr". Brooklyn pronunciation: "I'm on fi-yah,
bay-bee".

"Flint": Flint. Oh, alright, it sounds the same. I just wanted to say
that, if Detroit was the anus of the US, Flint would be about sixty miles
up it, hee hee! Oh, those warm memories of my days of misspent youth in
Happy Valley... near the Chevy Engine Block plant... near the bubbly,
stinky Flint River... kinda brings baack a tear ta my eye... er is thadda
metal flake from the plant powerhouse smokestack... I dunno...

"Foilage": Foliage. This one sent in by David Pool, who sez his wife and
father in law use it to refer to plants and bushes. Sounds like something
you'd do at the "Beauty Parlor" instead.

"FREVer": Forever. Winn'er seems like it's laastin' FREVer this year.

"Frigerraider": Refrigerator. Hey, why waste energy on that first
syllable? They know whut yer tockin' about. Maahm sez you left the melk
outta the frigerraider again!

"Gran Blank": Grand Blanc, a suburb of Flint. "Ya know, I tried ta
thinkuva specific featura that town but my mine' drew a gran blank."

"Grrarapids": Grand Rapids, my hometown. It's cold, so slurrr those werds
tagetherr! Residents are sometimes known as GraRaptiles. ;) Some famous
Grand Raptile home-girls: Stacy Haiduk (Seaquest DSV), and the lovely
Gillian Anderson, ladies and gentlemen. NOVEMBER 2001 UPDATE: Someone
kindly brought to my attention that Judy Garland was born in Grand Rapids,
Minnesota... I've heard people in GR Mich brag about her being from there
for years! Oops.

"Haahkee": Hockey. A Michigan favorite. With an abundance of lakes and
cold temperatures, it's understandable that we dig hockey and won the
Stanley Cup. The Red Wings... a mighty force to be reckoned with!

"I-munna": I'm going to. I-munna head overta K-Mart's on Gratiot an' finda
cup holder fer my Tie-ota. (a classic example of conserving energy the
Michigan way)

"KI-nuh": Kind of. I dunno, I kinuh like Faygo.

"LayKEERie": Lake Erie. The skankiest of the Big Lakes.

"liVONEya": Livonia. Perhaps the fladdes' ciddy in Michigin.

"Maahm": Mom. I was tockin' ta my maahm about goin' ta the maall.

"Melk": Milk. Tell 'em you waana glassa melk.

"Michiganderr": Michigan native. Who knows where the **** this came from.
All I know is, I am not a duck.

"Mier": Mirror. Don' lookin the mier... yull breakit.

"Minnuhsoda": Minnesota. Our brethren to the West.

"MAAHN-row": Monroe, a town in southeastern MI that was apparently,
mysteriously transported through time and space from somewhere near
PigHoller, Kentucky.

"Muskeeda": Mosquito. The State Bird of Michigan. I've seen them carry
away cats, sometimes even small children.




"Night-meer": Nightmare. "I hadda nightmeer I wuz out in the wuds near
Grayling, with no ammo and completely outta Stroh's."

"NUKE-yuller": Nuclear. "Let's hope we don't hafta, ya know, fi-yer our
nuke-yuller missiles."

"Er": Or. Ya know, it wuz like watchin' X-Files er somethin'.

"Pah-neeack": Pontiac. Ya might live in Pahniac, er ya might drive one.

"Pahp": Pop. "Soda", in other parts of the world. Hey, do they call it a
Sodasicle? I think not. "Let's stahp by SevenuhLeven and gedduh pahp."

"Pellow": Pillow. Je ne sais pas pourquoi ces Michiganders pronouncent ce
mot en tant que "pellow". C'est très étrange. (sent in by Patty)

"Port Urine": Port Huron. For some reason, the locals get pissed if you
don't pronounce it this way.

"Ruff": Roof. Yo, Jack, ya lef' yer tools on thuh ruffa yer cahrrrrrrr.
(EDITOR'S NOTE: Kripes almighty, the grief I get over "Ruff". Here's a
little tip to Michigan expatriates: the next time you're at dinner and
someone makes fun of the way you say this, ask them how they say "woods",
"look" and "book" and then tell them to shut the **** up and eat their
"fud".)

"Samwich": Sandwich. Somethin' ya might have with melk. This one sent in
by Cheryl, who also says we pronounce it "samrich"... but that must be
some kinda freaky Lansing thing. David Pool's mother-in-law calls it a
"san-widge"... part of the little-understood Saginaw variant.

"SOWnuh": Sauna. A Finnish word should be pronounced in the appropriate
Finnish accent common to da U.P., eh? (sent in by Caleb)

"Sisterr": Sister. Ahh, geez-o-pete, ya soun' like my sisterr. Draw out
that rrrrrrr.

"Sump'n": Something. Craig found some kinda animaler sump'n in the
baackoviz Chevy AAAvuLAANche.

"Thenks": Thanks. Also: "THENKyou." "Hey, Maatt, thenks fer thuh pahp.
Yuhwaaana beer?"

"Tie-ota": Toyota. Originally developed by the hourly automotive workers
as a passive-aggressive way to diss Japanese carmakers. "That kid drove
one-uh-them Tie-otas inta the plant parking lot, so the guyz loosined all
his lugnuts. He dint get too farrr."

"Tuh": To. It's hardta get inta the habita sayin' teeeoooo.

"Terr": Tour. "Welcome 'ta the Manitou Ilun Ferry. My name's Pam, 'n I'll
be yer terrguide fer the trip." (there really WAS a Pam, she was ****ed
cute, and she did indeed speak like this... sort of a Northern Woods
Bipsy... prob'ly some Seaholm chick!)

"Vanella": Vanilla. "Didja hear? GM's got a new color for the Z34 body
style: vanella." (this one sent in by Jennifer)

"Wasteland": Westland, a Detroit suburb. (long ago submitted by Jan
Pickard) (related: Bland Rapids, Cantoon, Sterile Whites, Farm Town, Royal
Joke, HazelTucky, TaylorTucky, etc.)

"WeeKen": Weekend. "Ya goin' huntin' this weeken?" "No, we're takin'
Maahm's Chriscraft out on LayKeerie."

"Winzerr": Windsor, Ontario. Detroit's sisterr ciddy on the other side of
The Tunnel. A sort of, uhh, business retreat center for busy, uhh, male
executives. Riiiiight.

"Wuds": Woods. Be careful in the wuds... it's deer season, an' ya got
30,000 unemployed auto workers, drunk off their ***, armed ta the teeth
with high-powered weapons. I love Michigan!

"Yuh": You. How the **** arrrrya? How ya doin'? What thuh helleryuh
thinkin' about? Where ya goin'? Ya goin' bowlin' tonight? Er snowmobilin'?
Ice fishin' might be kiina fun.

Michiganians never say "arse" (Great Britain), "warsh" (Indiana/Kansas) or
"soda" (Eastern US). In case ya weren't wonderin'.


detroiter in the heeeeeouse!

What Michigan pronunciation guide would be complete without a guide to
pronouncing the street names of Daytwah?

"Liver-noy": Livernois
"LAEHzer": Lahser Road, using the Michigan "A"
"Lasher": same road, different peeps who didn't stop to read the sign
carefully
"duhQUINder": Dequindre
"Wooderd": Woodward Avenue
"GRAEH****": Gratiot (hey, it's not my pronunciation)
"SHAYner": Schoenherr
"teliGRAAAAF": Telegraph Road...emphasize that aehhhh
And... is there anything else that makes one feel like a Detroiter more
than cranking up 'JLB full blast with the windows down and careening down
the Lodge at 100mph like some crazy-*** slalom skier? I'm tellin' you!

phrases

Alright. Now you can make the words sound Michiganian, but if you don't
use them in the proper way, people will think you're either a freak or
that you're making fun of them. Here are some common phrases:

"Beeyemites": Sounds like a kind of small insect or perhaps an Australian
sandwich... but in fact refers to residents of the city of Birmingham.
Somehow, some way, long ago, Birmingham became abbreviated "B'ham", and
locals were branded in this unfortunate fashion. And the town... ahhh, the
town. Such a lovely town. Bartender, Range Rovers, all around!

(In the meantime, Pronunciation Guide viewers from Dowagiac to Sanilac
were trying to figure out if they gave a half or even three quarters of A
RAT'S *** about B'hamites and their ideosyncracies... heh)

"Big BEEverr" (PARENTS: hide your children, for I now digress into
PG13-rated content): pronouncing this major thoroughfare through the city
of Troy almost always draws snickers from out-of-towners. However, it was
originally named in the 1800's after a nearby beaver pond, long since
paved over. Sadly enough, that fact that it is Exit 69 on I-75, and
crosses Mound Road, perpetuates its urban legend factor. (What Kentuckians
don't want you to know is that there are two villages in Northern KY:
Beaver Lick and Big Bone Lick. I am not kidding... see fer yerself.)

"The Big Lake": With 11,000 inland lakes, you can't drive in a straight
line in Michigan for long without hitting some body of water. So whichever
Great Lake you're near becomes "the Big Lake".

"The Bridge": Everywhere except for the towns of Port Huron or Detroit,
"The Bridge" refers to The "Mackinaw" Bridge.

"Bulletproof Snow": A common occurence at Michigan ski resorts, the
continuous melting and refreezing of snow on the runs results in
"bulletproof snow", which can be detected by the sound of your ski edges
grinding off (courtesy of my good friend Randy Howie).

"A Cole One": a beer. Or several.

"The Cottage": Many folks in Michigan have a place they go to Up North
that they call The Cottage. Sometimes it's a slowing disintegrating cabin
in the middle of frickin' B.F.E., where you go to get drunk and THEN shoot
at deer. Other times, it's a Lake Michigan beach house that sleeps 22 and
has its own marina. Ya jes never know.

"Fudgies": Tourists. Visitors to Michigan's Mackinac Island spend a lot of
time in the gourmet fudge shops there, earning the local nickname
"fudgies", which has spread to other tourist areas as well.

"Geez-o-pete!": Related: "Geez-Louise!" A Michigan expletive for polite
company, having something to do with Jesus and St. Peter. The funny thing
about this one is that in Cincinnati, they say "GEE-zle." In Ireland:
"JAY-sus."

"A Good One": a good day. Proper Michigan etiquette is to say "have a good
one!" to the checkout clerk when leaving the party store. Caz we're all,
ya know, frien'ly and stuff.

"Hourlies": hourly factory workers, usually automotive.

"How'zit goin'?" In other parts of the world, the equivalent of "what's
up?" or "how are you?"

"Kripes Almighty!" This one sent in by John Z, as another unique
Michiganism similar to "Geezopete!"

"Mackinac": this French/Indian word confuses nearly everyone, even
natives. If you're talking about the city on the south side of the Straits
of Mackinac, it's pronounced "Mackinaww City". If you're talking about the
island, it's pronounced "Mackinaw". If you're talking about the Straits,
they're pronounced "Straits of Macinack". If you're talking about the
Mackinac Bridge, it's "Mackinaw Bridge". If you're talking about the fort
on the south side of the straits, it's pronounced "Michillimackinack". Got
it? Never mind. December 2001 UPDATE: I've gotten an overwhelming
response from Michiganders and expatriates alike who claim it is NEVER
EVER "mackinack".

"Parking Deck": Alternate form: "parking ramp". Known elsewhere as a
parking garage.

"Parrrty Storre": US equivalent: liquor store. There's one on every other
block. We like it that way, cuz ya never know when the urge fer a
Moosehead'll hitcha. Or, ya know... could be Stroh's.

"Pastie": a meat-filled pastry dish, pronounced passtee, brought to the
Upper Peninsula mining country by Welsh and Cornish miners in the 1800's.
Most Trolls (see below) and Fudgies erroneously pronounce it paystee,
which brings a whole new meaning to being hungry for a pastie. (don't go
there) (this one sent in by Stacey)

"The Plant": any factory (again, usually automotive).

"The Ren Cen": Detroit's Renaissance Center, which 1) hasn't ever been
called by its full name, ever, and 2) didn't spark the "renaissance" that
Detroiters had hoped for, and 3) wouldn't fit in as a place to hold a
Renaissance Festival. GM finally bought it, likely hoping for their own
kind of renaissance, which is just plain tough when you share shoreline
with attractions such as Zug Island.

"SecretariahState": US equivalent: Department of Motor Vehicles. I've
always wanted to register for that personalized plate on the wall of every
Secretary of State's office that says "SAMPLE". Hmm... or, ya know, like
"VOID" er "XPIRED" er somethin'. As the kids in B'ham might say, that
would be "suhweeeeeet!"

"The Soo": Refers to the small Upper Peninsula town Sault Sainte Marie
that weathermen across the nation love to refer to. Pronounced "soo saint
marie".

"The Thumb": the thumb-shaped area of the Lower Peninsula "mitten".
(another one sent in by Stacey)

"Trolls": people from the Lower Peninsula, who, in the minds of Yoopers,
live "under the bridge." (still another from that Stacey) I personally
resent that label and think we should charge some sort of toll or
something to all the Yoopers coming down from... uhh... err... never mind.

"Townies": a derogatory name for residents of small Northern Michigan
tourist towns, made by snot-nosed kids from Chicago or Detroit who spend
their summers there (think Charlevoix, Petoskey, Harbor Springs). Also
commonly used in New England.

"The U.P.": Michigan's Upper Peninsula. If you say you're goin' to The
U-P, everyone knows what you're talking about. I've heard some non-natives
trying to fit in leave off the word "The"... saying they "went to U.P."
Are they smoking crack or what! Folks who live in the U.P. have an accent
all their own that sounds very Canadian, and are called "Yoopers". Even
the streets are funky, with their Finnish and Welch roots... "make a left
at Lehtonen until you cross Hakktui Avenue" ...the ****? Say Yah to da
hand, dude...

"Up North": common for anywhere in the state north of the middle of
Michigan's Lower Peninsula, say around Alma. If yer goin' Up North, it's
usually fer a vacation er fer deer huntin'.

"The Union": In Michigan, there are a lot of labor unions, but when you
mention "The Union", everyone knows you're talking about The UAW.

"The Windsor Ballet": Term used by Detroiters to say they're going to
Canadian strip clubs in nearby Windsor. "Where ya'ff to, honey?" "Oh, the
boss wants us to take a client out to the ballet. In, uhh, Windsor."

"You guys": No, not "youse guys", and yes, it refers to women as well.
Michiganians use it without even thinking. No true native would be caught
dead saying "y'all"... that's just not right. (California Accent
Pronunciation Guide equivalent: "duuuuuuuudes!")


There ya havit... you should now be able ta sling hard R's with the best
ov'em! So take it easy. Have a good one. An' say hi ta yer Maahm.

I think that's the longest reply I have ever seen!!! I think this should be placed in the encyclopedia under "Michigan".

Even though the strike issue is settled, this is still a good one for those that love that boring game of baseball:

Since September 11, 2001, Americans have come together as never before
in our generation. We have banded together to overcome tremendous
adversity. We have weathered direct attacks on our own soil, wars
overseas, corporate scandal, layoffs, unemployment, stock price
plunges, droughts, fires, and a myriad of economic and physical
disasters both great and small. But now, we must come together once
again to overcome our greatest challenge yet.

Hundreds of Major League Baseball players in our very own nation are
living at, just below, or in most cases far above the seven-figure
salary level. And as if that weren't bad enough they could be deprived
of their life-giving pay for several months, possibly longer, as a
result of the upcoming strike situation. But you can help!

For only $20,835 a month, about $694.50 a day (that's less than the
cost of a large screen projection TV) you can help a MLB player remain
economically viable during his time of need. This contribution by no
means solves the problem as it barely covers the annual minimum salary,
but it's a start, and every little bit will help!

Although $700 may not seem like a lot of money to you, to a baseball
player it could mean the difference between spending the strike golfing
in Florida or on a Mediterranean cruise. For you, seven hundred dollars
is nothing more than a month's rent, half a mortgage payment, two
unemployment checks, or a month of medical insurance with COBRA, but to
a baseball player, $700 will partially replace his daily salary.

Your commitment of less than $700 a day will enable a player to buy
that home entertainment center, trade in the year-old Lexus for a new
Ferrari, or enjoy a weekend in Rio.

HOW WILL I KNOW I'M HELPING?

Each month, you will receive a complete financial report on the player
you sponsor. Detailed information about his stocks, bonds, 401(k), real
estate, and other investment holdings will be mailed to your home.
Plus, upon signing up for this program, you will receive an unsigned
photo of the player lounging during the strike on a beach somewhere in
the Caribbean (for a signed photo, please include an additional $150).
Put the photo on your refrigerator to remind you of other peoples'
suffering.

HOW WILL HE KNOW I'M HELPING?

Your MLB player will be told that he has a SPECIAL FRIEND who just
wants to help in a time of need. Although the player won't know your
name, he will be able to make collect calls to your home via a special
operator in case additional funds are needed for unforeseen expenses.

YES, I WANT TO HELP!

I would like to sponsor a striking MLB player. My preference is
checked below:

[ ] Infielder

[ ] Outfielder

[ ] Starting Pitcher

[ ] Ace Pitcher

[ ] Entire team (Please call our 900 number to ask for the cost of a
specific team - $10 per minute)

[ ] Alex Rodriguez (Higher cost: $60,000 per day)

Please charge the account listed below $694.50 per day for the player
for the duration of the strike. Please send me a picture of the player
I have sponsored, along with an Alex Rodriguez 2001 Income Statement
and my very own Donald Fehr MLB Players Union pin to wear proudly on my
hat (include $80 for hat).

Your Name: _______________________

Telephone Number: ____________________

Account Number: _____________________

Exp.Date:_______

[ ] MasterCard [ ] Visa [ ] American Express [ ] Discover

Signature: _______________________

Alternate card (when the primary card exceeds its credit limit):

Account Number: _____________________Exp.Date:_______

[ ] MasterCard [ ] Visa [ ] American Express [ ] Discover

Signature: _______________________

Mail completed form to MLB Players Union or call 1-900-**** -THE-FANS
now to enroll by phone ($10 per minute).

Disclaimer: Sponsors are not permitted to contact the player they have
sponsored, either in person or by other means including, but not
limited to, telephone calls, letters, e-mail, or third parties.
Contributions are not tax-deductible

:biglaugh: :biglaugh:

At last the law makes sense!!!

Irish judge says slow drivers are idiots

An Irish judge has said motorists caught behind a slow driver should
assume the person holding up traffic is an idiot.

The comments were made by Judge William Harnett at a sitting of
Thomastown District Court in County Kilkenny.

RTE interactive news says he was hearing a case involving a Dublin
motorist who overtook a slow-moving car on the hard shoulder after being
caught in a tailback.

Judge Harnett said while the man's actions were wrong, he was caught
behind a person whose driving was enough to merit a charge of driving
without reasonable consideration.

He said such drivers were a menace.

The judge said he was very familiar with the syndrome of what he called
"people who loiter on national roads" and hold up traffic, adding that
this was the sort of behaviour which caused accidents. He added slow
drivers either enjoyed holding up other people, were incompetent or
their cars were in poor condition.

The 24-year-old driver before Judge Hartnett had pleaded guilty to
dangerous driving

:bigwave: :bigwave:

Here in Michigan those slow driving people are called enforcers. They seem to think it is their civil duty to ensure all drivers stay under the speed limit. You will frequently find them in the fast lane going 5 + miles and hour under the posted limit. They won't move to the slower lanes because they must slow down the pace.

But have you noticed that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, and the ones passing you are maniacs?

Randy: But have you noticed that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, and the ones passing you are maniacs?

Perspective is an amazing thing!!!!

Half full - Half empty.

Watching the "nutty driver" or being the "nutty driver". Which by the way I AM NOT........but you better be in the right hand lane!!!

:biglaugh: :biglaugh:

Anyone driving slow in the fast lane is displaying a colossal lack of intelligence AND asking for a ride to the hospital under red lights and siren. Oh sure, he might get hit from behind by a faster-moving semi hauling a load of corn syrup, but in my neighborhood it's more likely some concerned citizen will place an attractive pattern of bullet holes in the car and/or the driver. There have even been cases where an angry driver will follow one of these slow-moving, brain-dead, drool-stained, brake-riding, nose-picking, inconsiderate fools to a stop sign, get out, and then repeatedly punch him the face while humming the chorus to "I Did It My Way". Try as I might, I just can't feel sorry for these people, considering the number of accidents and ulcers these jerks cause..... After all, it's really not complicated: it's the pedal on the RIGHT side that makes the car move faster.

Jim Wade said:

From a recent management seminar on quaity improvement:

"It's 99% of the ISO 9001:2000 consultants that give the rest a bad name"

rgds Jim

Wow,

That's a terrible thing to say. Batten down the hatches, Matey, because the remaining 1% can't all be here in the Cove. Oh yea, I forgot, this is the humor thread. :rolleyes: :vfunny: :ko:

A blond girl comes back from school one evening. She runs to her mum and
says:
"Mummy today at school we learnt how to count. Well, all the other girls
only counted to 5, but listen to me: 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10 ! That's good,
innit?"

"Yes darling, very good."

"Is that because I'm blond?"

''Yes darling, it's because you're blond."

Next day, the little girl comes back from school and says:
"Mummy, today at school we learnt the alphabet. All the other girls only
went as far as D, but listen to me: A,B,C,D,E,F,G,H,I,J,K ! That's good,
innit?"

"Yes darling, very good."

"Is that because I'm blond, mummy?"

"Yes darling it's because you're blond."

Next Day, she returns from school and cries: "Mummy, today we went
swimming,
and well, all the other girls have no breasts, but look at me!"

She proceeds to flash her impressive 36 D boobs at her mum. "Is that
because
I'm blond, mummy?"

"No darling, it's because you're 25.":vfunny: :vfunny:

Subject: Me and my brothers

A redneck walks into a bar in Texas, orders three mugs of Budweiser
and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in
turn.

When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells him, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it, it would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The redneck replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in
Australia, the other is in Ireland, and I'm in Texas. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we drank together. So I drink one for each o'my brothers and one for myself." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The redneck becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent.

When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss." The redneck looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns and he laughs.

"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife had us join that Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking. Hasn't affected my brothers though."

2 Scousers are riding along the M62 from Manchester to Liverpool on a motorbike. They break down and start hitching a lift. A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help and the scousers ask him for a lift.

He tells them he has no room in the wagon as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls but will take a look at the bike for them. He tries everything he knows but is unable to repair it. Time is getting on now and he's late for his delivery so he tells the scousers he has to leave.

"R hey lad" they say "gissa lift". The trucker once again explains that he has no room as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls. The scousers put it to the driver that if they can manage to fit in the back will he take them and he agrees.

They manage to squeeze themselves and their motorbike into the back of the wagon so the driver shuts the doors and gets off on his way. By this time he is really late and so puts his foot down.

Sure enough PC Plod of Greater Manchester Police pulls him up for speeding. The good officer asks the driver what he is carrying to which he replies Scouse Eggs.

The policeman obviously doesn't believe this so wants to take a look. He opens the back door and quickly shuts it and locks it. He gets onto his radio and calls for immediate backup from as many officers as possible.

The dispatcher asks what emergency he has that requires so many officers.
"I've got a wagon with 20,000 Scouse eggs in it - 2 have already hatched and they've managed to nick a motorbike already".

:biglaugh: :biglaugh:

please explain what a scouser is

Jim Wade said:

A scouse, or scouser, is a person who comes from the Liverpool area, in north-west England.

Sir Paul McCartney is a scouse (rhymes with 'house').

rgds Jim

With a reputation of being crooks, scoundrels or scaliwags!
:biglaugh: Swappy enlightened me. Very funny. Just insert your favorite Nationality known for their less than honest dealings. I have already sent it to some acquaintences crafted after their individual persuasion.:vfunny: :ko: :smokin:

A Scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the counter and said: "Hi, I'm lookin' for a job.".

The man behind the counter replied "Your timing is amazing. We've just got a listing from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur for his daughter.

She's a nineteen-year-old underwear model. You'll have to drive her around to photoshoots in a big black mercedes, uniform provided."

"Because of the long hours of this job meals will also be provided and once a year you will also be required to escort the young lady on her overseas holiday. The salary package is £200,000 a year.".

The scouser said "Nah, you're bull-s***ing me!".

The man behind the counter said "Well you started it!".



:biglaugh: :biglaugh:

A very confident James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.
He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The women notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No," he replies, "Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch?
What's so special about it?"
Bond explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."
The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties...."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"
Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, "Thing's an hour fast."

:eek: :eek: :biglaugh: