This could appear in the "Employee Evaluation" thread, but I decided to post it here. These are supposedly quotes from actual employee reviews...

"Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."

"His men would follow him anywhere but only out of morbid curiosity."

"This associate is really not so much a has-been, but more of a definitely won't be."

"Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

"When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there."

"He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."

"This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

"He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

"This employee should go far -- and the sooner he starts, the better we'll be."

"This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

"This employee should not be allowed to breed."

"This man has the whole six pack but is missing the plastic thingy that holds them all together."

Ummmm... Mike S. - just HOW did you get access to my personnel file??? I thought that was under lock & key... :vfunny: :bigwave: :smokin:

Modena, Italy:

The Ferrari F1 Team fired their entire Pit-Crew yesterday.
The announcement was followed by Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the British Government's "Work For the Dole" Scheme and hire unemployed youths from Merseyside.

The decision to hire them was brought on by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths in Liverpool were able to remove a set of car wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew can
only do it in 8 seconds.
This was thought to be an excellent yet bold move by Ferrari Management, as most races are won & lost in the pits, Ferrari would have an advantage over every team.

So far Ferrari expectations have been easily exceeded although outcomes training presently continues: during the Crew's first practice session not only were "da Boyz from Bootle" able to change the tyres in under 6 seconds, but within 12 seconds they had resprayed the car, rebadged it, and sold it on to the McLaren Team for four dozen Carlsberg Export six packs and a gram of coke.

:bigwave: :biglaugh: :smokin:

When Roosevelt, Churchill & Stalin met in Jalta during ww2, they did their level best to needle each other a bit...

When Stalin was talkin to FDR about the supplies he needed he said:

'We need to boost the morale of our troops, and the thing is that we have a shortage of contraceptives. Could you send us some condoms?'

'certainly' came the reply.

'But our soldiers are well equipped, so we need them in this size..' Stalin then mentioned dimensions more fitting for a horse.

FDR immediately realized that Stalin was giving him a dig, and went to Churchill to discuss how to pay back.

Churchill pondered a few seconds and then said 'Obviously you make them as specified... Just make sure each one of them is labelled as "Texas Medium"....'

/Claes

"Why Fishing Is Better Than Sex"

1.You don't have to hide your fishing magazines.

2.It's perfectly ok to pay a professional to fish with
you once in a while.

3.The Ten Commandments don't say anything about fishing.

4.If your partner takes pictures or vidotapes of you
fishing in your Whaler, you don't have to worry about
them showing up on the internet if you become famous.

5.Your fishing partner does not get upset about people
you fished with long ago.

6.It's perfectly respectable to fish with a total stranger.

7.When you see a really good Fisher person, you don't
have to feel guilty about imagining the two of you fishing
in your Whaler together.

8.If your regular fishing partner isn't available, he/she
won't object if you fish with someone else.

9.Nobody will ever tell you that you will go blind if you
fish by yourself.

10.When dealing with a fishing Pro, you never have to
wonder if they are an undercover cop.

11.You can have a fishing calander on your wall at the
office, tell fishing jokes, and invite coworkers to fish with
you without getting sued for harressment.

12.There are no fishing transmitted diseases.

13.If you want to watch fishing on tv, you don't have to
subscribe to the Playboy channel.

14.Nobody expects you to fish with the same partner for
the rest of your life.

15.Nobody expects you to give up fishing if your partner
loses interest in it.

16.Your fishing partner will never say, "Not again? We just
fished last week! Is fishing all you think about."

The smell is much the same however .............

Things Men need to know about style

1. Yes Homer Simpson is funny – but not on your tie.
2. Only consider tucking your jumper into your jeans if you’re a Vicar.
3. Getting your girlfriend / wife to iron your jeans is unacceptable. Ironing them yourself is evidence of an unsound mind.
4. Cowboy boots – NO!!!
5. Pointy lace-up shoes make women retch.
6. Going bald? – shave it off for God’s sake.
7. Never take your top off in public, unless you have just won Wimbledon.
8. Donald Duck socks do not reflect your individual nor the wild side of your corporate façade. They do, however, mean your mother still dresses you or you wish she did.
9. Socks and sandals – lovely on Germans.
10. A jester hat does not a wacky man make. Even Noddy Holder regrets the 70s.
11. Speedos are only acceptable on Olympic swimmers…..
12. As are medallions…
13. And track suit tops and bottoms.
14. Do you have a grey, red and black asymmetrical duvet? Habitat helpline 0845 601 0740.
15. Open shirts: one button = professional; two buttons = casual; three = over sharing.
16. Sleeveless t-shirts are ok if your 17, can do the running-on-the-spot dance at the drop of a hat and you’re a member of Nsync.

OK ?

17. Understand this: if your wearing the wrong underpants, she’ll never come back.
18. Those fold-up scooters + mid thirties Exec = T****r.
19. Here’s a startling fact guys: Lara Croft isn’t real. And Angelina is a) an actress and b) married.
20. Is your definition of “New season shopping” buying the Man Utd. kit? Please seek professional help.
21. Unless you own a rap empire, leave the chunky gold and “ice” in the window of H.Samuel where it can live a long happy life doing no one any harm…
22. You’ll NEVER pull if you put your mobile phone in the mobile phone pocket of your combats.
23. Bleached blonde hair. If it doesn’t work for Eddie Irvine, it’s not going to work for you.
24. Chinos fashionable for 6 months in 1989 and that was it.

One key correction, swappyd, that I think all men need to know:

***#19 (b) - Angelina is indeed available again***

Good luck.

Thank you for this vital information... Un important news has been getting in the way such as war on terrorists etc.

Please disregard 14 b until further notice.

Duvet? Noddy Holder? tucking your jumper? fold-up scooters? I’m not sure how humorous this post is because I can’t understand half of it! :eek: :biglaugh: (Kinda reminds me of the program "Are You Being Served?")

Duvet - a down or hollow fibre filled bed cover aka a continental quilt.

Noddy Holder - Front man of the glam rock band slade who's still have a christmas hit and inclusion with every christmas cd released "Wish it could be christmas everyday" thrity years of this song means it is a little annoying unless vast quantities of alcohol has been pour down neck.

tucking jumper in - where a jumper (normally wool made body garment has the bottom inside the top of jeans.

fold-up scooters - ranks alongside Sir Clive sinclairs C5 useless invention that is now thank fully in a museum.

I did notice db that you did not question homer sinpson ties! have one in your closet?:bigwave: :vfunny:

I did notice db that you did not question homer sinpson ties! have one in your closet?

It's not that, it is just that, being from the US, I already have the displeasure of knowing who Homer Simpson is. (Although I must admit, I’ve never seen more than perhaps 5 min. of any episode. Who watches that stupid stuff anyway?

Last I heard, Homer was headed for Plymouth looking for a certain db! Stay tuned......:mad:

Ken do you think my language might have offended Homer?


Good!!!!!!!!!!!!!

:bonk:

On to the lighter side of things:

This from Yahoo News:

http://news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story2&cid=573&ncid=757&e=1&u=/nm/20021003/od_nm/life_joke_dc

"In a project described as the largest-ever scientific study into humor, the British Association for the Advancement of Science ( news - web sites) asked Internet users around the world to submit their favorite jokes and rate the funniness of other people's offerings.

More than 40,000 jokes from 70 countries and two million critiques later, this is it:

"Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his phone and calls emergency services.

He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies: "Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

Back on the phone, the hunter says, "Ok, now what?" "

I didn't vote for it.

:) :)

I ran across this on a recent trip. Hope it brings a smile!!!!


Baking a potato in the Auto Industry.


How a Honda employee bakes a potato:

*Preheat new, high quality oven to 350o F.;
*Insert Idaho potato;
*Go do something productive for 45 minutes;
*Check for doneness, then remove perfectly baked potato from
the oven and serve.


How a “Big 3” employee bakes a potato:

*Instruct an Idaho potato supplier to preheat the oven to 350
deg. F.;
*Demand that the supplier show you how he turned the dial to
reach 350o F and have him come up with documentation from
the oven manufacturer proving that it was calibrated properly;
*Review documentation, then have the supplier check the
temperature using a sophisticated temperature probe;
*Direct supplier to insert potato and set timer for 45 minutes;
*Have supplier open oven to prove potato has been installed
correctly and request a free study proving that 45 minutes is the
ideal time to bake a potato of this size;
*Check potato for doneness after 10 minutes;
*Check potato for doneness after 11 minutes;
*Check potato for doneness after 12 minutes;
*Become impatient with supplier (why is this simple potato taking
so long to bake?);
*Demand status reports every five minutes;
*Check potato for doneness after 15 minutes ...;
*After 35 minutes, conclude the potato is nearing completion;
*Congratulate the supplier;
*Update your boss on all the great work you’ve done, in spite of
having to work with such an uncooperative supplier;
*Remove potato from oven after 40 minutes, as a cost savings
without loss of function or quality, versus the original 45
minutes baking time.

:bonk: :bonk: :bonk:

Bill

In the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the greatest gunfighter in the world. He practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn't yet first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong.

Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man seated at the bar who had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West in his day. The young cowboy took the seat next to the old-timer, bought him a drink, and told him the story of his great ambition. "Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asked.

The old man looked him up and down and said, "Well, for one thing you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower down on your leg."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.

"Sure will," said the old-timer. The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his .44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.

"That's terrific!" said the cowboy, "Got any more tips for me?"

"Yep," said the old man, "Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the younger man.

"You bet it will," said the old-timer. The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and shot a cufflink off the piano player.

"Wow!" said the cowboy; "I'm learnin' somethin' here - got any more tips?"

The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it." The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.

"No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.

"No," said the old timer, "but when Wyatt Earp gets done playin' the piano, he's going to shove that gun up your a**, and it won't hurt as much.

I never have quite figured out why the sexual urges of men & women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Mars & Venus thing. And, I never have figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart. And, I never yet have figured out how the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil, when it hears the words "I do". One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said, "WHAT??"

So she says the words that I and every husband on the planet dreads. She explains that I must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman."

I'm thinking, "What was her first clue?"

I finally realize that nothing is going to happen that night, so I
went to sleep.

The very next day the we went shopping at a big unnamed department store...I walked around while she tried on three very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her to take all three of them. She then tells me that she wants matching shoes worth $200 each to which I say OK.

And then we go to the Jewelry Dept. where she gets a set of diamond earrings. Let me tell you ...she was so excited. She must have thought that I was one wave short of a shipwreck, but I don't think she cared. I think she was testing me when she asked for a tennis bracelet because she doesn't even play tennis. I threw her for a loop when I told her that it was OK.

She was almost sexually excited from all of this when she said, "I'm ready to go, let's go to the cash register."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No, honey. I don't feel like buying all this stuff now."

You should have seen her face ... it went completely blank. I then I said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I
added, "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man."

I figure that I should be having sex again sometime during the spring thaw of 2005.

Sorry if you have already seen this. Had to take a break from the War thread:
THINGS TO DO AT WALMART WHILE YOUR
FRIENDS/FAMILY TAKE THEIR OWN SWEET TIME

1. Get boxes of condoms & randomly put them in peoples' carts when they aren't looking.

2. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at 10-minute intervals.

3. Make a trail of orange juice on the floor to the rest rooms.

4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, "I
think we have a code 3 in housewares," and see what
happens.

5. Put some M&M's on lay away.

6. Move CAUTION WET FLOOR signs to carpet areas.

7. Set up a tent in the camping department, tell others you'll only
invite them in if they bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. When someone asks if they can help you, begin to cry and
ask, "Why won't you people leave me alone."

9. Look right into the security camera and use it as a mirror while
you pick your nose.

10. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from 'Mission Impossible.'

11. While handling guns in the hunting department ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.

12. In the auto department practice your Madonna look using different size funnels.

13. Hide in the clothing rack and when people browse through
whisper "PICK ME! PICK ME!!!!!"

14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker assume the fetal position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!"

15. Go to the fitting room and yell real loud....."Hey we're out of
toilet paper in here!"

(Found this in my Email Deleted folder...It's still funny.)

INSTRUCTIONS ON REPLACING MOUSE BALLS

The author of this memo was quite serious. The engineers rolled on the floor! (Especially note last sentence)

Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit).
Therefore if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform
erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Because of the delicate
nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.

Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls.

Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacture of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist-off method.

Mouse balls are not usually static-sensitive. However, excessive
handling can result in sudden discharge.

Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used
immediately.

It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction.

Any customer missing his balls should contact the local personnel in charge of removing and replacing these necessary items.
:vfunny:

Apologies, apologies, apologies - no offense is intended to anyone - but I couldn't resist this one:

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN

Between 18 and 20 a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile deltas.

Between 21 and 30 a woman is like America, well developed and open to trade especially for someone with cash.

Between 31 and 35 she is like India, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40 a woman is like France. Gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50 she is like Yugoslavia, lost the war - haunted by past mistakes.
Massive reconstruction is now necessary.

Between 51 and 60, she is like Russia, very wide and borders are un-patrolled. The frigid climate keeps people away.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia, with a glorious and all conquering past but alas, no future.

After 70, they become Afghanistan. Most everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.


THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

Between 15 and 70 a man is like Iraq - ruled by a d**k.

How many others out there have partied with this guy????

Use your laptop computer to power a robot to fetch you a beer? Why? Isn't that what your wife/girlfriend is for?:vfunny:


Weasel Disclaimer: Okay, okay, relax. I really didn't mean it, but I just felt the urge to throw a male-chauvinist pig comment out there just to wake everyone up a bit!

Mike - laptops typically have volume control.:D :D :D

Mike S. said:

Use your laptop computer to power a robot to fetch you a beer? Why? Isn't that what your wife/girlfriend is for?:vfunny:

Weasel Disclaimer: Okay, okay, relax. I really didn't mean it, but I just felt the urge to throw a male-chauvinist pig comment out there just to wake everyone up a bit!

That is why I got married!!!
:vfunny: :vfunny: :vfunny: :vfunny:

Keeping the current mood for humor going, and realizing that the worm may turn shortly::p

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.

One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times.

When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there.

WhenI got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here.

When my health started failing, you were still by my side...You know what?"

"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill
with warmth.

"I think you're bad luck, get the f*** away from me ."

On the first day The Almighty created the cow. The Almighty said,
"You must go to field with the farmer all day long and
suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to
support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's a kind of a tough life you
want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty
years and I'll give back the other forty."
And The Almighty agreed.

On the second day, The Almighty created the dog. The Almighty said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at
anyone who comes in or walks past.
I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said, "That's too long to be barking.
Give me ten years and I'll give back the other ten."
So The Almighty agreed (sigh).

On the third day The Almighty created the monkey. The Almighty
said, entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them
laugh. I'll give you a twenty year life span."
Monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for
twenty years? I don't think so.
Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do
too, okay?"
And The Almighty agreed again.

On the fourth day The Almighty created man. The Almighty said,
"Eat, sleep, play, enjoy. Do nothing, just enjoy, enjoy.
I'll give you twenty years." Man said, "What?
Only twenty years? No way man. Tell you what,
I'll take my twenty, and the forty cow gave back,
and the ten dog gave back and the ten monkey gave
back. That makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said The Almighty "You've got a deal."

So that is why for the first twenty years we eat,
sleep, play, have sex, enjoy, and do nothing;
for the next forty years we slave in the sun to
support our family; for the next ten years we do
monkey tricks to entertain our grandchildren;
and for the last ten years we sit in front of the
house and bark at everybody.

Life has now been explained.

My wife will fetch a beer, but I may have to reciprocate at some unplanned and most likely inconveniet future date. This could mean shopping. (The kind where you leave the house.) Or worst of all, going shopping with all 3 kids. (7,5 & 2)

I Love my family, but I do not want to go shopping with them.

I'll take the laptop. It can get me a beer, and I can shop on-line. Now all I need is one of those porta-potty desk chairs that reclines into a bed, a private nurse for when I get too fat to move, and.....

'Dorothy, wake up Dororthy...'



-Steve

File this under "Should have known better"

Homecoming Weekend in Ann Arbor. Going to spend Saturday at the Big House and watch Michigan show Iowa a thing or 2. In other words, I'm going to prove to myself I'm not in my 20's anymore.

Plus, after some people look at this picture, it will make dodging the hits a little easier. Duck and Cover!!!!!
Have a good weekend folks

Randy Stewart said:

Homecoming Weekend in Ann Arbor. Going to spend Saturday at the Big House and watch Michigan show Iowa a thing or 2. In other words, I'm going to prove to myself I'm not in my 20's anymore.

Plus, after some people look at this picture, it will make dodging the hits a little easier. Duck and Cover!!!!!
Have a good weekend folks

You know what I did with that cartoon? I put it on the fridge door at home.... Ouch....

/Claes :ko:

Hey Stew,

Looks like Michigan sure showed Iowa a thing or two! Like a couple of more ways into the end zone?

BG

Claes Gefvenberg said:

You know what I did with that cartoon? I put it on the fridge door at home.... Ouch....

/Claes :ko:

I sent it to two women in the office. The HR Manager and the Receptionist. They are known for being very nice and pleasant. The HR Mgr replied "In your dreams!". The receptionist replied "Do we need a Corrective Action Report started? Do I need a document acknowledgement sheet to sign and return to you verifying that I read and understand its content?" :bonk:
:vfunny: :ko: :smokin:

LMAO....:biglaugh: :biglaugh: :ko:

Good one, Jim...

/Claes

Looks like Michigan sure showed Iowa a thing or two! Like a couple of more ways into the end zone?

Boy were they out played!!!! I think Iowa showed everyone a thing or 2. Not only was I smarting due to the alumni parties but after that beating that was applied, it took 2 days to recover!:eek: The way U of M played last week MSU could have beat them
:biglaugh:

I thought UM believed they had a bye (sp?) week.

Here's a little Halloween dittie for you folks:

www3.quantumlynx.com/barontech/list/sayit.swf

Enjoy!!

I felt they thought they were wearing the Green & White!!!! I best be careful what I say now since it is UM & MSU week. I hope they don't get spanked again.

Michael T said:

Here's a little Halloween dittie for you folks:

www3.quantumlynx.com/barontech/list/sayit.swf

Enjoy!!

Good one Mike. That went out to all my contacts just in time for the PIA event.
:ko: :smokin:

A professor at the University of West Virginia was giving a
lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his
audience, he asks: "How many people here believe in
ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands.
"Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who
believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've seen a
ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands.
"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously.
Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost? " 15 students raise their
hands.

"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost." 3 students raisetheir
hands. "That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question
further. Have any of you ever made love to a ghost? Billy Bob,
way in the back raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses, and says, "Son, all the
years I've been giving this lecture, no one has claimed
to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here
and tell us about your experience."

The redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and begins to
make his way up to the podium. As he reached the front of the room, the professor says, "Well, so
tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost."

To which Billy Bob replied, "Shiiiiiit!!! From way back thar I
thought you said "Goats!"
:vfunny: :ko: :smokin:

YOU KNOW YOU'RE A REDNECK WHEN... 2002 EDITION

1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
2. You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.
3. Your property has been mistaken for a recycling center.
4. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
5. You burn your yard rather than mow it.
6. You think the Nutcracker is something you do off the high dive.
7. The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
8. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.
9. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't
want it.
10. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
11. You come back from the dump with more than you took.
12. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
13. Your grandmother has "Ammo" on her Christmas list.
14. You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
15. You've bathed with flea and tick soap.
16. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
17. Your kids take a siphon hose to show and tell.
18. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.
19. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
20. You have used a rag for a gas cap.
21. Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.
22. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
23. You can spit without opening your mouth.
24. You consider your license plate personalized because your father
made it.

25. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
26. You sit on your roof at Christmas time hoping to fill your deer quota.
27. You have a complete set of salad bowls, and they all say Cool Whip
on the side.
28. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.
29. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
30. You thought the Unabomber was a wrestler.
31. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.
32. You think a quarter horse is that ride in front of K-Mart.
33. Your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings
you home.
34. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does a $100,000 worth of
improvement.
35. You've used a toilet brush as a back scratcher.
36. You've asked the preacher, "How's it hangin'?"
37. You missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty.

GEORGE BUSH: When you rearrange the letters: HE BUGS GORE
DORMITORY: When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM
PRESBYTERIAN: When you rearrange the letters: BEST IN PRAYER
DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters: A ROPE ENDS IT
THE MORSE CODE: When you rearrange the letters: HERE COME DOTS
SLOT MACHINES: When you rearrange the letters: CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY: When you rearrange the letters: IS NO AMITY
MOTHER-IN-LAW: When you rearrange the letters: HITLER WOMAN
SNOOZE ALARMS: When you rearrange the letters: ALAS! NO MORE Z'S
A DECIMAL POINT: When you rearrange the letters: I'M A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES: When you rearrange the letters: THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO: When you rearrange the letters: TWELVE PLUS ONE
And for the grand finale:
PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA: When you rearrange the letters (With no letters left over and using each letter only once): TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS

A man is walking home alone late one night when he hears
a BUMP...


BUMP...


BUMP... behind him.



Walking faster he looks back, and makes out the image of an
upright coffin banging its way down the middle of the street toward
him.


BUMP...


BUMP...


BUMP...



Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the coffin
bouncing quickly behind him

faster...



faster...


BUMP...



BUMP....


BUMP....


He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the
door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him. However, the
coffin crashes through his door, with the lid of the coffin clapping ...


clappity-BUMP...


clappity-BUMP...

clappity-BUMP...

clappity-BUMP on the heels of the terrified man....

Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His
heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in
sobbing gasps.

With a loud CRASH the coffin starts breaking down the door,
bumping and clapping toward him.


The man screams and reaches for something heavy, anything ...
his hand comes to rest on a large bottle of Robitussin.

Desperate, he throws the Robitussin as hard as he can at the
apparition.


the coffin stops.

********************

An elderly couple are travelling cross country when they are pulled over by a police officer.

The officer moves up to the driver side window and asks the old man for his license and registration. The wife, from the passangers side leans over and shouts...

"WHAT DID HE SAY!?"

Her husband yells back,
"HE ASKED FOR MY LiCENSE AND REGISTRATION!"

The officer notices the home address on the mans Drivers license,

"Hmm, Billings Montana. I had the worse piece of A** in my entire life in Billings Montana."

The wife leans over again..

"WHAT DID HE SAY?"


The husbands turns to her and yells back,


"HE SAYS HE KNOWS YOU!"
:vfunny:

This has to be the homliest bunch of kids I've ever seen.

Randy.

That's a keeper. My kid's are gonna love it.


Steve.

A family took their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and left her, hoping she would be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathed her, fed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rushed up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt over to her other side. The nurses rushed back and once more brought her back upright. This went on all morning. Later, the family arrived to see how the old woman was adjusting to her new home.

"So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" "It's pretty nice," she replied. "Except they won't let me fart."

This might be pushing it, but I thought some people would be interested in seeing the worlds first remote control......

If you have already seen these, too bad!:vfunny: Go, Bob!

CORPORATE LESSON #1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her
shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of debate as to who would answer the door, the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs to answer the door. When she opens the door, there stands her neighbor, Bob.

Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that
Towel that you have on." After thinking for a few seconds, the woman drops the towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her the $800 and leaves.

Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower, "Who was that?"

"It was Bob, the next door neighbor" she replies.

"Great," the husband says, "Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

MORAL OF THE STORY: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk in time with your stakeholders, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

CORPORATE LESSON #2:
A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road. He stopped and offered her a lift, which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthfully slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"

The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. However, he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg.

Further on, while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg
again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"

Once again, the priest apologized. "Sorry Sister, but the flesh is
weak."

Arriving at the convent, the nun got out and gave him a meaningful glance and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up Psalm 129.
It said, "Go forth and seek, further up you will find glory."

MORAL OF THE STORY: Always be well informed in your job, or you might miss a great opportunity.

CORPORATE LESSON #3:
Usually the staff of the company play football.
The middle level managers are more interested in tennis.
The top management usually has a preference for golf.
FINDING: As you go up the corporate ladder, the balls reduce in size.


CORPORATE LESSON #4:
A sales rep, an administration clerk and the manager are walking to Lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only Grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."

"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the
Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone!

In astonishment,"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life." Poof!
He's gone!

"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

MORAL OF THE STORY: Always let your boss have the first say

:ko: :smokin:

Here's my laugh for the day. Sharing. See you all tomorrow!

Subject: golf


There's a fellow who is a golf fanatic. Every Saturday morning he has an early tee time. He gets up early and eager, golfs all day long... 36 holes sometimes. Well, one Saturday morning he gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his clubs out of the closet and goes to his car to drive to the course. Coming out of his garage rain is pouring down; it is like a torrential downpour. There is snow mixed in with the rain, and the wind is blowing 50 mph.

He returns to the garage. He comes back into the house and turns the TV to the weather channel. He finds it's going to be bad weather all day ong, so he puts his clubs back into the closet, quietly undresses and slips back into bed. There he cuddles up to his wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispers, "The weather out there is terrible."

To which she sleepily replies, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out golfing in that sh*t?" :vfunny: :ko: :smokin:

Let this be a warning to be careful when dressing up for pictures....

The Ultimate Chicken Joke

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face.

The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet and rolls over and says, "Well, I guess we finally know the answer to THAT question!"

Complements of Donette (whose poppa expected a boy... 'Nuff Said...)

I haven't verified every one of these quotes, but I got it in an e-mail and I know a few are definitely true, so I thought I'd post it to maybe give you a chuckle.

FEEL SMARTER

You'll feel smarter after you read this!! I did.

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever," --Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff," --Mariah Carey

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,"--Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal antismoking campaign.

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"
--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,"--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president,"
--Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"--A congressional candidate in Texas.

"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves." --John Wayne

"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the
impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
--Al Gore, Vice President

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." --Dan Quayle

"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"
--Lee Iacocca

"I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version,"
--Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony.

"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein,"-- sports analyst.

"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people." --Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
--Bill Clinton, President

"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
--Al Gore, VP

"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."
--Keppel Enderbery

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
--Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."
--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

Have you heard about the new 50th anniversary edition of the Corvette coming out for next year?

It comes with a hairpiece, divorce papers, and viagra.

How do you know when you're staying in a Kentucky hotel?
When you call the front desk and say "I've got a leak in my sink,"
and the person at the front desk says, "Go ahead."
******
An Arkansas State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-40 and
says to the driver, "Got any ID?"
The driver says, "'Bout what?"
******
Two Mississippians are walking toward each other, and one is
carrying a sack. When they meet, one says, "Hey Tommy Ray, whatcha got in th' bag?" "Jes' some chickens." "If I guesses how many they is, kin I have one?"
"Shoot, if ya guesses right, I'll give you both of 'em!"
"OK. Ummmmm...five?"
******
An Alabamian came home and found his house on fire. He rushed next door, telephoned the fire department and shouted, "Hurry over here-muh house is on fahr!" "OK," replied the fireman, "how do we get there?"
"Shucks, don't you fellers still have them big red trucks?"
******
Why do folks in Kentucky go to R-rated movies in groups of 18 or
more?
Because they heard 17 and under aren't admitted.
******
Billy Bob and Lester were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob
tells Lester,"Ya know, I reckon I'm about ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your suggestions as to where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Betty Sue got pregnant. Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Betty Sue got pregnant again. Last year you
suggested Tahiti and darned if Betty Sue didn't get pregnant again."
Lester asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's
different?"
Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Betty Sue WITH me."
******
Ida Mae passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911-operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away. "Where do you live?" asked the operator. Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive." The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?" After a long pause, Bubba said,
"How 'bout I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"
******
Know why they raised the minimum drinking age in Tennessee to 32?
They wanted to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
******
What do they call reruns of "Hee Haw" in Mississippi?
Documentaries.
******
Where was the toothbrush invented?
Arkansas. If it were invented anywhere else, it would have been
called a teethbrush.
******
Did you hear about the $3,000,000 Tennessee State Lottery?
The winner gets $3 a year for a million years.
*******
A new law was recently passed in North Carolina so that when a
couple gets divorced, they're still brother and sister.
******
What do a divorce in Alabama, a tornado in Kansas and a hurricane in Florida have in common?
No matter what, somebody's fixin' to lose a trailer.

never have quite figured out why the sexual urges of men & women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Mars & Venus thing. And, I never have figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart. And, I never yet have figured out how the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil, when it hears the words "I do". One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said, "WHAT??"

So she says the words that I and every husband on the planet dreads. She explains that I must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman."

I'm thinking, "What was her first clue?"

I finally realize that nothing is going to happen that night, so I
went to sleep.

The very next day the we went shopping at a big unnamed department store...I walked around while she tried on three very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her to take all three of them. She then tells me that she wants matching shoes worth $200 each to which I say OK.

And then we go to the Jewelry Dept. where she gets a set of diamond earrings. Let me tell you ...she was so excited. She must have thought that I was one wave short of a shipwreck, but I don't think she cared. I think she was testing me when she asked for a tennis bracelet because she doesn't even play tennis. I threw her for a loop when I told her that it was OK.

She was almost sexually excited from all of this when she said, "I'm ready to go, let's go to the cash register."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No, honey. I don't feel like buying all this stuff now."

You should have seen her face ... it went completely blank. I then I said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I
added, "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man."

I figure that I should be having sex again sometime during the spring thaw of 2005.

:vfunny: :ko: :smokin:

This was allegedly posted (very briefly) on the McDonnell Douglas website by an employee there who obviously has a sense of humor. The company, of course, does not have a sense of humor, and made the web department take it down immediately (for once, the "IMPORTANT" note at the end is worth a read too).

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft. In order to protect your new investment, please take a few moments to fill out the warranty registration card below.

Answering the survey questions is not required, but the information will help us to develop new products that best meet your needs and desires.

1.
[_] Mr.
[_] Mrs.
[_] Ms.
[_] Miss
[_] Lt.
[_] Gen.
[_] Comrade
[_] Classified
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First Name: .................................................
Initial: ........
Last Name:...................................................
Password: .............................. (max. 8 char)
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[_] F?14 Tomcat
[_] F?15 Eagle
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4. Serial Number:.........................................

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[_] Heard loud noise, looked up
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7. Please indicate the three (3) factors that most influenced your decision to purchase this McDonnell Douglas product:
[_] Style / appearance
[_] Speed / maneuverability
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8. Please indicate the location(s) where this product will be used:
[_] North America
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[_] Aircraft carrier
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[_] Iraq
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[_] Iraq
[_] Classified
[_] Iraq

9. Please indicate the products that you currently own or intend to purchase in the near future:
[_] Color TV
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10. How would you describe yourself or your organization? (Indicate all that apply)
[_] Communist / Socialist
[_] Terrorist
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11. How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas product?
[_] Deficit spending
[_] Cash
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[_] Personal cheque
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[_] Classified

12. Your occupation:
[_] Homemaker
[_] Sales / marketing
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13. To help us better understand our customers; please indicate the interests and activities in which you and your spouse enjoy participating on a regular basis:
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Thank you for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire. Your answers will be used in market studies that will help McDonnell Douglas serve you better in the future ? as well as allowing you to receive mailings and special offers from other companies, governments, extremist groups, and mysterious consortia. As a bonus for responding to this survey, you will be registered to win a brand new F?117A in our Desert Thunder Sweepstakes!

IMPORTANT: This email is intended for the use of the individual addressee(s) named above and may contain information that is confidential, privileged, or unsuitable for overly sensitive persons with low self?esteem, no sense of humor, or irrational religious beliefs. If you are not the intended recipient, any dissemination, distribution or copying of this email is not authorized (either explicitly or implicitly) and constitutes an irritating social faux pas.

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Those of you with an overwhelming fear of the unknown will be gratified to learn that there is no hidden message revealed by reading this warning backwards, so just ignore that Alert Notice from Microsoft. However, by pouring a complete circle of salt around yourself and your computer you can ensure that no harm befalls you and your pets.

If you have received this email in error, please add some nutmeg and egg whites, whisk, and place in a warm oven for 40 minutes.

Cinderella is now 95 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now
dead Prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the
world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.

One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the Fairy Godmother.
Cinderella said "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?"

The Fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"

Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful
consideration, she uttered her first wish:
"The Prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor. I'm living hand to mouth on my disability checks, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension." Instantly, her rocking chair was turned into solid gold.

Cinderella said, "Oh thank you, Fairy Godmother."

The Fairy Godmother replied "It is the least I can do. What do you want for your second wish?"

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I wish I were
young and full of the beauty of youth again."

At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful youthful visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years. A long- forgotten vigor and vitality began to course through her.

Then the Fairy Godmother again spoke "You have one more wish, what shall it be?"

Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, "I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man."

Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when complete he stood before her, a man so beautiful the likes of which neither she nor the world had ever seen.

The Fairy Godmother said, "Congratulations, Cinderella. Enjoy your new life." And, with a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, she was gone.

For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each others eyes.
Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most stunningly perfect man she had ever seen. Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in his young muscular arms. He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered:


"Bet you're sorry you neutered me now.. :vfunny: :smokin:

Fourteen things to do at Walmart while your other half is taking his or her sweet time:

1. Get 24 hoxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts while they aren't looking.

2. Set all the alarm clocks in the warehouse to go off at 5 minute intervals.

3. Make a trail of dried dates on the floor to the rest rooms.

4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, "Code 3 in warehouse" and see what happens.

5. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag on M&M's on lay away.

6. Move a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted area.

7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from the bedding dept.

8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

9. While handling guns in the hunting dept. ask the clerk if he knows where the anit-depressants are.

10. Dart around the store supspiciously while loudly humming the theme from "Mission Impossible"

11. In the auto department practive your Madonna look using differency size funnels.

12. Hide in the clothing rach and when people browse through say "Pick ME! Pick ME!

13. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker assume the fetal position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again"

And last but not least

14. Go into a fitting room and yell real loudly..... HEY! We're out of toilet paper in here!!!!!!!

LEXIOGRAMS

1. A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired.

2. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).

3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

4. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

5. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

6. If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

7. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

8. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

9. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

10. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blown Apart.

11. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

12. A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine.

13. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

14. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

15. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

16. When you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

17. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

18. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

19. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

20. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

Finally, the answer to the great delivery debate......

THE UNION

A dedicated Teamsters union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and, as you would expect, decided to check out the brothels nearby. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?"

"No," she replied. "I'm sorry, it isn't."

"Well, if I pay you $100.00, what cut do the girls get?"

"The house gets $80.00 and the girls get $20.00."

Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop.

His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, "Why, yes, sir, this IS a Union House."

The man asked, "And if I pay you $100.00, what cut do the girls get?"

"The girls get $80.00 and the house gets $20.00."

"That's more like it!" the union man said. So he handed the Madam $100.00, looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde.

"I'd like her for the night."

"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam, then gesturing to an 85-year old woman in the corner, "but according to union rules, Ethel here has seniority."

WISDOM(?)

1. A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired.

2. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).

3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

4. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

5. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

6. If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

7. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

8. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

9. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

10. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blown Apart.

11. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

12. A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine.

13. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

14. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

15. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

16. When you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

17. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

18. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

19. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

20. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

Mike S. said:

WISDOM(?)

1. A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired.

2. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).

3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

4. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

5. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

6. If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

7. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

8. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

9. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

10. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blown Apart.

11. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

12. A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine.

13. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

14. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

15. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

16. When you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

17. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

18. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

19. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

20. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

Mike S.

Craig H. posted this on the 13th. I'm going to have to cite you for "Ignoring Previous Posts". What is your CA? Stop drinking?
:vfunny: :ko: :smokin:

energy said:

"Craig H. posted this on the 13th. I'm going to have to cite you for "Ignoring Previous Posts". What is your CA? Stop drinking?"



Hey, energy, I take it as something of a compliment that someone else has a somewhat warped sense of humor!!! At least Mike found it funny, too!!:biglaugh:

Italian Men

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly.
"In this country... we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives. "

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella "Mississippi'."

I BET YOU READ THIS AGAIN!!

:vfunny: :ko: :smokin:

EVERYONE SAY IT WITH ME ...

1) I will NOT get bad luck, lose my friends, or lose my mailing lists if I DON'T forward an email!

2) I will NOT hear any music or see a taco dog, if I do forward an
e-mail.

3) Bill Gates is NOT going to send me money, Victoria Secret doesn't know anything about a gift certificate they're supposed to send me.

4) Ford will NOT give me a 50% discount even if I forward my e-mail to more than 50 people!

5) I will NEVER receive gift certificates, coupons, or freebies from Coca Cola, Cracker Barrel, Old Navy, or anyone else if I send an e-mail to 10 people.

6) I will NEVER see a pop-up window if I forward an e-mail - NEVER-- NEVER !!

7) There is NO SUCH THING as an e-mail tracking program, and I am not STUPID enough to think that someone will send me $100 for forwarding an e-mail to 10 or more people!

8) There is NO kid with cancer through the Make-a-Wish program in England collecting anything! He did when he was 7 years old. He is now cancer free and 35 years old and DOESN'T WANT ANY MORE POST CARDS, or GET-WELL CARDS.

9) The government does not have a bill in Congress called 901B (or whatever they named it this week) that, if passed, will enable them to charge us five cents for every e-mail we send.

10) There will be NO cool dancing, singing, waving, colorful flowers, characters, or program that I will receive immediately after I forward an e-mail. NONE, ZIP, ZERO, NADA!!

11) The American Red Cross will NOT donate 50 cents to a certain individual dying of some never-heard-of disease for every e-mail address I send this to. The American Red Cross RECEIVES donations.

12) And finally, I WILL NOT let others "guilt" me into sending things by telling me I am not their friend or that I don't believe in Jesus
Christ. If God wants to send me a message, I believe the bushes in my
yard will burn before He picks up a PC to pass it on!

*** Now, repeat this to yourself until you have it memorized, and then send it along to at least 5 of your friends before the next full moon or you will surely be constipated for the next three months and all of your hair will fall out!"

:biglaugh:

Early one morning, her chauffeur was driving Hillery Clinton down a country road. Rounding a curve, they ran into a farmer's old cow and killed it. Feeling bad about killing the cow, Hillery said to her driver, "Go up to the farm house and tell the farmer that we killed his old cow." The chauffeur drove up to the house, went up to the door and was let in.

About an hour later he came out carrying a bottle of wine, lipstick all over his face and his clothes messed up. Shocked, Hillery asked the chauffeur what happened. He replied, "The farmer shook my hand and gave me this bottle of wine. His wife was so happy that she hugged and kissed me. And his teenage daughter took me to her room and made passionate love to me."

Puzzled, Hillery asked, "What did you say to the farmer?"

The chauffeur replied, "I just told the farmer that I was Hillery Clinton's chauffeur and that I had just killed the old cow."

:vfunny:

Got this in an email. One or two of these are repeats from an earlier post (sorry) and I can't verify these either (but, for some reason, believe most of them!!):

Why athletes can't get real jobs

Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the kids to copulate me."

New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."

And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skins say "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."

Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."

Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann, 1996: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."

Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up alphabetically by height." And, "You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle."

Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton."

Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is."

Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt."

Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, "'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'"

Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."

Amarillo High School and Oiler coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded: "Because she is too **** ugly to kiss good-bye".

Have a great one!!
Bill

The next time you're having a bad day, imagine this:
_
_

You're a Siamese twin.
Your brother, attached at your shoulder, is gay.
You're not.
He has a date coming over tonight.
You only have one A S S.

energy said:

Mike S.

Craig H. posted this on the 13th. I'm going to have to cite you for "Ignoring Previous Posts". What is your CA? Stop drinking?
:vfunny: :ko: :smokin:
Guilty as charged. Sorry folks. I don't always get to the humor thread and sometimes don't go back to posts I missed of they are on a different page. I know, I should be ashamed. As for a CA I can guarantee it will not be "stop drinking". After all I was stone-sober when I made the mistake so perhaps the CA is the opposite! :vfunny:

Ah, M, just out of curiosity...

In Two Minds...

A siamese twin joke...




Are you trying to tell us something?:cool:



I dare ask if you had a date tonight...

Ken K said:

Ah, M, just out of curiosity...

In Two Minds...

A siamese twin joke...

Are you trying to tell us something?:cool:

I dare ask if you had a date tonight...

Ken K.,

Good grief....The thought never ever entered my mind. Closet Siamese? Nah. You think? Very observant and Hilarious. How long have you been laying in the weeds for that one? You're a pisser.
:vfunny: :ko: :smokin:

How in the world could I pass that up? Probably never have that clean of shot again...








...wonder if the other one is Jim? :lick:








I think I'm on a roll....:smokin:

You'll be rolling in a minute sunshine !

Bleeding cheap shot ;)

Ken K said:

How in the world could I pass that up? Probably never have that clean of shot again...

...wonder if the other one is Jim? :lick:

I think I'm on a roll....

Ken,

It's a good thing Martin doesn't live next door!
:vfunny:

M Greenaway said:

You'll be rolling in a minute sunshine !

Bleeding cheap shot ;)

Ken,

What this means is that it's a good thing I don't live next door. My understanding is that this is one huge Siamese.
It's just funnin, M. You have to admit that you would have done the same thing, given the chance. :agree: :ko: :smokin:

Turner Brown

A little guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says: "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch p**is, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown".
The small guy faints dead away and falls to the floor.
The big dude kneels down and brings him to by slapping his face and shaking him.
When the little guy finally comes around, the big guy asks him, "What's wrong with you"?
In a very weak voice the little guy says, "Excuse me, but what EXACTLY did you say to me"?
The big dude said, "I saw the curious look on your face and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch pe**s, my left testicle weighs 3 pounds, my right testicle weighs 3 pounds and my name is Turner Brown".

The small guy says, "Thank God! I thought you said "Turn around" :vfunny: :ko: :smokin:

Chill out M. Nothing personnal. :truce:






I did hear you chuckle though...:rolleyes:

3 guys arrive in heaven at the same time only to find the gates closed.

An angel comes out and informs them that heaven is starting to get crowded and that they will only be able to take one of them.

The 3 men are shocked and ask which one of them gets to go. The angel says that they have to decide. The men think about and decide that whoever had the most unusual death gets to go and they ask the angel to be the judge. The angel agrees to this, goes into a small room, and calls in the first guy to hear his story.

The first guy tells his story:

“I went home early because I’ve always suspected that my wife was cheating on me. I figured if I got home early I could catch her. When I got home she was in bed naked, but nobody else was there. I began looking around the house to find the guy when I heard noises coming from our balcony. I went outside and I saw a guy hanging on the edge of the balcony. When I saw him I just lost it and I started yelling and stepping on the guys hands. I even jumped up and down on them, but he wouldn’t let go. I finally went inside and got a hammer and went back out. After I hit him a few times with the hammer he finally fell. But when I looked down I saw that he was still alive. This made me even madder, so I went inside and pushed the refrigerator out onto the balcony. I tipped the refrigerator off the balcony, but when I leaned over I lost my balance and landed on top of the refrigerator and died”

The angel looked at the guy and thought that was a very unusual story. He sends the first guy out and calls in the second guy

The second guy tells his story:

“I was out on my balcony taking care of my flowers and when I leaned over to smell one I leaned to far and fell off the balcony. Luckily I was able to catch myself on a balcony a couple floors below me. As I was trying to pull my self up this crazy guy came out and started yelling at me and stomping on my hands. He even started jumping on them. It took everything I had to hold on. He finally stopped after a couple minutes and went back inside. I was so relieved and was trying to compose myself when he came back out. This time he started hitting my hands with a hammer and that was just too much. I let go and fell to the ground. Once again I was lucky. I landed in some bushes and was still alive. But when I rolled over and looked up the last thing I saw was a refrigerator coming at me.”

The angel looked at the guy and was perplexed. He sends him out and calls in the last guy.

The third guy tells his story:

“Picture this. You’re hiding in a refrigerator…”

An interesting example of a poll and how they are used/misused today ... Anyone else see any problems with this story (aside from lots of liars being polled:vfunny: ?

Mon Nov 25,
LONDON (Reuters) - Britons have sex more often than Americans and Spaniards, but are outdone between the sheets by the French, Dutch, Danes and Canadians, a survey by condom manufacturer Durex found on Monday.

The Durex Global Sex survey revealed that Britons make love an average of 149 times a year, outdone only by couples in France (167), the Netherlands (158), Denmark (152) and Canada (150).

Those taking their love-making at a more relaxed pace included Americans (138 times a year), New Zealanders (135) and the Spanish, who limped in at an annual love rate of just 121.

Some 3,500 people from the UK took part in an online survey organized by Durex, which polled 50,000 people worldwide.

energy said:

Today marks the 36 Anniversary of my co-habitation with the woman who can put up with this sicko for so long! (Nov 27, 1965). Seems like just yesterday! :smokin:


Today marks the 37th Anniversary of my co-habitation with the woman who can put up with this sicko for so long! (Nov 27, 1965). Seems like just yesterday.

Just another year. It really flew by. That's what happens when you get ancient!
:p :ko: :smokin:

Mike S. said:
"LONDON (Reuters) - Britons have sex more often than Americans and Spaniards, but are outdone between the sheets by the French, Dutch, Danes and Canadians, a survey by condom manufacturer Durex found on Monday."

Well, everyone knows it takes Americans longer to "poll". Quality always beats quantity!!!;)

Congratulations Energy! That's an accomplishment.

Angela

I'll hit 16 years next week, but 37. WOW!! That in itself is a statistical anomaly now days. Good thing you're in Quality.

Congratulations.

FOUR CATHOLIC MOTHERS

Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are.

The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic woman chirps, "Well, my son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence.

The first three women give her this subtle "Well...?"

She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6' 2", hardbodied, well?endowed, male stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, women say, My God...."

we were having a conversation about kangaroos earlier, don't ask, so I
remember an article written by a chap called Dave Barry, he works for the
Miami Herald, but the humour is almost european, I read his column whenever
I feel the need to fall of my chair laughing, anyho's here's part of the
article.
As you know if you have ever stood outdoors in the Midwest, cows give off
methane gas. We don't know why. Maybe they're bored. Maybe they're trying
to
spoil humanity's appetite for hamburgers. All we know is, scientists
believe
that methane gas is a major factor in global warming.
For the record, I have a friend named Doris who argues, on good authority,
that the biggest single cause of global warming is menopause. Also, I
recently received a letter from a reader named Ron Houtsma who theorizes
that global warming may be related to the alarming increase in the number
of
pizza ovens, especially in New Jersey.
But methane is surely a factor, and cows produce a lot of it. That's why we
should all be very excited about the recent scientific discovery concerning
-- I am not making this up -- kangaroo flatulence. According to news
articles sent in by many alert readers, scientists in Australia have found
that even though kangaroos eat the same grasses as cows, they (the
kangaroos, not the scientists) produce no methane.
The question that springs to mind, of course, is: How did the scientists
conduct this research? It cannot be easy to collect emission samples from a
non-domesticated animal that can travel 40 miles per hour, leap 30 feet at
a
single bound AND punch. I'm guessing the task of gathering kangaroo gas
samples fell to some rookie scientist (``OK, Sedgwick: Here's a jar, a
helmet and a pogo stick. Now get out there and win one for the planet!'').
So anyway, now the Australian scientists are trying to figure out how the
kangaroos manage to be methane-free. They think the answer may one of the
40
types of bacteria they have identified in the kangaroo's stomach. I don't
even want to THINK about how they collected those samples. (``OK, Sedgwick:
Here's a jar, a rope and a snorkel.'')
The scientists plan to isolate the anti-methane bacterium in the kangaroo's
stomach, then see what happens when they put this same bacterium into the
stomachs of cows. Speaking as a layperson concerned about the future of my
planet (Earth), I just want to say to these scientists, in humble
gratitude:
ARE YOU INSANE?? What if the bacterium causes the cows to develop other
kangaroo characteristics? And what if these modified cows escape from
Australia? It would be like the killer bees, only much worse: 'WISCONSIN --
Weary National Guard troops continued to battle a rampaging herd of
bacteria-enhanced Australian kangaroo cows that have been bounding around
this heartland state, soaring over fences with moos of derision and
punching
their way into grain silos. `The worst thing,' said one Guardsman, 'is when
they get airborne, and suddenly you're facing a hailstorm of incoming
meadow
muffins. Although I have to say they don't smell as bad as the local cow'
.''
So there is a certain risk involved in the Australian scientists' research.
But however it works out, I think we can all agree on one thing: ''The Moos
of Derision'' would be a good name for a rock band.
And speaking of good, our next piece of good news, which was sent in by
about 19 billion alert readers, concerns a Butler, Pa., company that is
making a:
MACHINE-GUN EQUIPPED SUV
Yes! According to an Associated Press article by Charles Sheehan, a company
called Ibis Tek is modifying Chevrolet Subdivisions and other big-momma
''sport'' utility vehicles to accept machine guns, which are fired via a
joystick inside the car. These are mostly sold to foreigners; to have one
the United States, you need a permit from the federal government, which
requires you to have a good reason. Fortunately, I do: I drive in Miami.
I am tired of having nothing but a puny horn to alert the 258-year-old
driver in the Oldsmobile ahead of me that the green arrow pointing left
means you can turn left now . . . c'mon please turn . . . TURN LEFT PLEASE
C'MON C'MON HURRY UP IT'S GONNA CHANGE OH NOOOOO. I think the federal
government would have to agree that this is a situation where a friendly
warning burst of several thousand .50-caliber rounds would be a big help to
traffic flow.
The Ibis Tek people also offer an option for a grenade launcher, but I
think
that would be overkill, don't you? Unless those cows show up.

A guy is at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted, while St.
Peter is leafing through this Big Book to see if the guy is worthy
of entering.

Saint Peter goes through the books several times, furrows his
brow, and says to the guy, "You know, I can't see that you did
anything really good in your life but, you never did anything bad
either.
Tell you what, if you can tell me of one really good deed that you
did in your life, you're in."

The guy thinks for a moment and says, "Yeah, there was this one
time when I was drivin' down the highway and I saw a giant
group of KKK Biker's assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my
car to see what was going on, and sure enough, there they
were, about 50 of 'em torturing this young lady.

Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my
trunk, and walked straight up to the leader of the gang, a huge
guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his
nose to his ear.

As I walked up to the leader, the KKK Biker Gang members
formed a circle around me. So, I ripped the leader's chain off his
face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turn around and yell to the rest of them, 'Leave this poor, innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'

St. Peter, impressed, says "Really? When did this happen?"


"Oh, about ten minutes ago."

Hope this isn't a repeat

Golf!!!

A foursome of friends was playing golf and the young man who was about to putt had a long and very difficult putt to make. He was surveying his situation, and murmured to himself, "I would give anything to make this shot and show these guys that I have become a really good golfer over the past few years."

Just then, the devil popped up out of the ground right in front of the young man and said, "I can make a deal with you to make your shot, young man, but it will cost you."

The man looked around cautiously, realizing that only he could see the infernal visitor, and replied, "What is the price?" The devil smiled and responded, "Five years off your sex life."

The man thought about the offer for a moment, considering what the next five years would be like. He looked the devil in the eye and said, "Okay, it's a deal." He made an incredible shot and the ball dropped right into the cup.

The last hole of the game was a difficult but short one, and the young man was only one stroke behind the leader. He stood at the tee, surveying the hole, and muttered to himself, "I would give anything to win this game, but a hole-in-one here would be a nearly impossible shot." In a flash of light, the devil popped up again, and said, "I can fix it so you make a hole-in-one and win the game, but it will cost you another five years off your sex life."

The man again considered this offer, thinking about the next ten years, and finally he nodded and agreed to the terms. Sure enough, he sunk the hole-in-one with an incredible shot and won the game.

As the young man was signing his game card and heading for the clubhouse with his friends, the devil popped up front of him again, this time with a pen and a pad, and said, "Now for the paperwork - what is your name?"

The man replied, "Father Michael Flanagan." :bonk: :bonk:

Bill

For everyone who likes chain letters :vfunny:

*************************************************

Hello, my name is Amber and I suffer from the guilt of not forwarding 50 billion chain letters sent to me by people who actually believe that if you send them on, a poor 6?year?old girl in Arkansas with a breast on her forehead will be able to raise enough money to have it removed before her redneck parents sell her to a traveling freak show.

Do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give you, and everyone to whom you send "his" email, $1000?

How stupid are we?

"Ooooh, looky here! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I'll get laid by a model I just happen to run into the next day!"

What a bunch of bs.

Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my house and sodomize me in my sleep for not continuing a chain letter that was started by Peter in 5 AD and brought to this country by midget pilgrims on the Mayflower.

Who cares?

If you're going to forward something, at least send me something mildly amusing. I've seen all the "send this to 10 of your closest friends, and this poor, wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive a nickel from some omniscient being" forwards about 90 times.

I don't care.

Show a little intelligence and think about what you're actually contributing to by sending out these forwards. Chances are, it's our own unpopularity.

The point being? If you get some chain letter that's threatening to leave you shagless or luckless for the rest of your life, delete it. If it's funny, send it on.

Don't **** people off by making them feel guilty about a leper in Botswana with no teeth who has been tied to the a** of a dead elephant for 27 years and whose only salvation is the 5 cents per letter he'll receive if you forward this email.

Now forward this to everyone you know.

Otherwise, tomorrow morning your underwear will turn carnivorous and will consume your genitals.

Have a nice day. :bigwave: :biglaugh: :bonk:

Christmas with Louise

As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung
sadly empty.

One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you've never been in an X-rated
store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself.

I was there an hour saying things like, "What does this do?" "You're kidding me!" "Who would buy that?" Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a
passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour. Finding what I wanted was difficult.

Love dolls come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for "Lovable Louise." She was at the bottom of the price scale.

To call Louise a "doll" took a huge leap of imagination. On Christmas Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life. My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours, long after Santa had come
and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.

The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more. We all agreed
that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the family couldadmire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What the ##### is that?" she asked. My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll." "Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped. I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut. "Where are her clothes?" Granny continued. "Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay said, trying to steer her into the dining room. But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?" Again,
I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny Hang on!"

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, " Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?" I told him she was Jay's friend. A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might
be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise that sounded a lot like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the
panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth to mouth
resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants and Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car. It was indeed a Christmas to
treasure and remember.

Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug
called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health. Louise went on to star in several bachelor party movies. I think Grandpa still calls her whenever he can get out of the house.

The inside of a student's mind via there.....

Student Metaphors

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other
sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a tumble dryer.

3. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a
bowling ball wouldn't.

4. McMurphy fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a paper bag
filled with vegetable soup.

5. Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.

6. Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the
centre

7. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

8. He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

9. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

10. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced
across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left York at 6:36 p.m. travelling at 55 mph, the other from Peterborough at 4:19p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

11. The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the full stop after
the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.

12. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

13. The thunder was ominous sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.

14. The red brick wall was the colour of a brick-red crayon.

15. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap,
only one that had been left out so long it had rusted shut.

16. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

17. The plan was simple, like my mate Phil. But unlike Phil, this
plan just might work.

18. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for while.

19. "Oh, Jason, take me!" she panted, her breasts heaving like a
student on 31p-a-pint night.

20. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

21. Her artistic sense was exquisitely refined, like someone who can tell butter from "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter."

22. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog
makes just before it throws up.

23. The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a lamppost.

24. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated
because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free cashpoint.

25. The dandelion swayed in the gentle breeze like an oscillating
electric fan set on medium.

26. It was a working class tradition, like fathers chasing kids
around with their power tools.

27. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard
bells, as if she were a dustcart reversing.

28. She was as easy as the Daily Star crossword.

29. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was
room-temperature British beef.

30. She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

31. Her voice had that tense, grating quality, like a first-generation thermal paper fax machine that needed a band tightened.

32. It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple
it to the wall.


:bigwave: :bigwave:

A man is driving down a road. A woman is driving down the same road from the opposite direction. As they pass each other, the man leans out the window and yells, COW! The women immediately leans out her window and yells, T O S S E R !!

They each continue on their way, and as the women rounds the next bend, she crashes into a huge cow in the middle of the road and dies.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: If only women would listen.

Remember this at Christmas Time...

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl.

We should've known. ONLY women would be able to drag a fat man in a red velvet suit around the world in one night and not get lost.

M Greenaway (or anyone else)

Could you explain the TOSSER reply in your joke?

Carrie said:
---X---
We should've known. ONLY women would be able to drag a fat man in a red velvet suit around the world in one night and not get lost.

I can accept the dragging, but the not getting lost part has me baffled. What navigation aid are they using? I'll tell you one thing: It's most certainly not the same stuff my missus uses. She's great in most ways, but navigation is not one of her strong subjects... ;)

/Claes

I just had 4.5 hours of Anti-Harrassment training yesterday afternoon. As a result I have learned that I cannot say, do, listen to or look at anything.....somebody might take offense. Mea Culpa, I chuckled at M. Greenway's joke.

Bad Me!

Ken, isn't 4.5 hours of anti-harrassment training a form of harrassment itself??

Actually, the breed of reindeer used by santa is quite different than your typical Alaskan specimen. They have been bred over many generations to suit santa's needs as the first batch of females he tried to use didn't even make it off the runway. They couldn't decide what to wear and santa didn't like the pink nose glowing in the front. :D

So his elves came up with the current specimen's who could be considered mutant ninja reindeer. Bad boys to the bone if you will. Also, if you notice, Rudolph has a much brighter glow mainly because of all the air polution they have been ncountering. :eek:

Santa is still not quite happy with his current escort of reindeer, but he still trembles when he remembers the night he had to walk because the girls were being girls. :smokin:

And to all...a good night. :bigwave:

One particular Christmas a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip...but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, so Santa was beginning to
feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then, Mrs Claus told him that her mom was coming to visit.
This stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the Reindeer, he found three of them were sound asleep and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. And as he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toybag fell to the ground, and scattered the toys… More stress.

Frustrated, Santa went back into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had hid the liquor and there was
nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. When he went to get the broom he found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from. Just as Santa was about to let out a yell the doorbell rang and Santa cussed his way slowly to the door.

He opened the door and there was a beautiful little angel with a great big Christmas Tree.

The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa. Isn't it just a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Isn't it just a lovely tree? Where would you like me to stick it?"







Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree. :rolleyes:

With all due respect to J&J.

On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section. You will need to purchase a rectal thermometer made by "Johnson and Johnson." Be very sure you get this brand.

When you get home, lock your doors, draw the drapes, and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed during your therapy. Change to very comfortable clothing, such as a sweat suit and lie down on your bed.

Open the package and remove the thermometer. Carefully place it on the bedside table so that it will not become chipped or broken. Take out the material that comes with the thermometer and read it.

You will notice that in small print there is a statement: "Every rectal thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson is personally tested?. :eek:

Now close your eyes and repeat out loud five times:

"I am so glad I do not work for quality control at the Johnson and Johnson Company."

Remember, there is always someone with a worse job than yours.
;) ;)

Here is a Holiday Cartoon....

And another...

And one more.

I just got some bad news. My brother's wife called to tell me my brother was killed in an accident at work. He works in a brewery and apparently fell into one of the vats. I asker her if the death was quick and painless or one of those drawn-out suffering deaths. She indicated it must of been a long drawn out affair because he had to get out several times to pee!

A farm hand had been looking for a way to get the farmers wife and daughter into his bed. They seemed to feel the same way, but the farmer was always around. He seized the opportunity one day when he and the farmer were working in a very muddy field. The farmer ordered him to go to the house and get his boots.

When he entered the house he immediately told the women that the farmer had told him that he could have them both. The farmers wife answered a bit unsteadily:

-Naaaah. I can’t believe that?

-Ok, listen to this then, the farm hand said, and opened the window and hollered to the farmer: -Did you want me to take them both?

The farmer hollered back: -Are you daft or something? Of course I want you to take them both!

:eek: :vfunny:

/Claes

Sadam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering whom to invade next when his telephone rang.

"Hallo, Mr. Hussein!", a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy
down at the Harp Pub in County Sligo, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy," Sadam replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

"Right now," said Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, my cousin Sean, my next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire dart team from the pub. That makes eight!"

Sadam paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Begorra!", said Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back!"

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy called again. "Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Sadam asked.

Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."

Sadam sighed. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my army to 1-1/2 million since we last spoke."

"Saints preserve us!" said Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."

Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day. "Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified Harrigan's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Pub have joined us as well!"

Sadam was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"

"Mary, and Joseph!", said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back."

Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr. Hussein! I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."

"I'm sorry to hear that," said Sadam. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well," said Paddy, "we've all had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and decided there's no way we can feed two million prisoners."

God Bless the Irish

Whups... By accident I created a new thread for this one instead of posting it here :bonk: So.. I'm moving it in here:

A farm hand had been looking for a way to get the farmers wife and daughter into his bed. They seemed to feel the same way, but the farmer was always around. He seized the opportunity one day when he and the farmer were working in a very muddy field. The farmer ordered him to go to the house and get his boots.

When he entered the house he immediately told the women that the farmer had told him that he could have them both. The farmers wife answered a bit unsteadily:

-Naaaah. I can’t believe that?

-Ok, listen to this then, the farm hand said, and opened the window and hollered to the farmer: -Did you want me to take them both?

The farmer hollered back: -Are you daft or something? Of course I want you to take them both!


/Claes

This one is a "printout" of some "C" code written by God for the genetic makeup of humanity.

Dont worry if you are not a codey, it can still be read through. Some of the REM (comment) statements are quite good.

Regards,

Chris

Hope ya'll have a wonderful holiday season... here's a little something that may bring a tear or two to your eyes... especially if you have in-laws or relatives that this reminds you of....

http://www.toonedin.com/movies/WhiteTrashXmas.html


Cheers!!!

Mike

TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
FROM: Patty Lewis - Human Resources Director
DATE: DECEMBER 1

I'm happy to inform you all that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. There will be lots of spiked eggnog and a small band playing traditional carols ... feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus to light the Christmas tree! Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.
Merry Christmas to you and your family.

TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
FROM: Patty Lewis - Human Resources Director
DATE: DECEMBER 2

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish or Buddhist employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday that often coincides with Christmas (though unfortunately not this year)and that Buddha predated Christ by over 500 years thus making Christmas redundant, however, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." OK? The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols sung. Happy Holidays to you and your family.

TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
FROM: Patty Lewis - Human Researchers Director
DATE: DECEMBER 3

Regarding the anonymous note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, I'm happy to accommodate this request, but, don't forget, if I put a sign on the table that reads, "AA Only," you won't be anonymous anymore. In addition, forget about the gifts exchange -- no gifts will be allowed since the union members feel that $10 is too much money.

TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
FROM: Patty Lewis - Human Racehorses Director
DATE: DECEMBER 4

I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with the gay men; each will have their own table. Yes, there will be a flower arrangement for the gay men's table. Happy now?

TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
FROM: Patty Lewis - Human Ratraces
DATE: DECEMBER 9

People, people -- nothing sinister was intended by wanting our CEO to play Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit."

TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
FROM: The Bitch from ****
DATE: DECEMBER 10

Vegetarians -- I've had it with you people!! We're going to hold this party at Luigi's Open Pit whether you like it or not, you can just sit at the table farthest from the "grill of death," as you put it, and you'll get salad bar only, including hydroponics tomatoes. But, you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them right now... Ha! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die, you hear me?

TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
FROM: Terri Bishop - Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: DECEMBER 14

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness. I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

December 14

Dearest Dave,

I went to the door today, and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. This was a delightful gift! I couldn't have been more surprised or pleased darling!

With truly the deepest love,
Agnes


December 15

Dearest Dave,

Today the postman brought me yet another of your sweet gifts. The two turtule doves that arrived today are adorable, and I'm delighted by your thoughtful and generous ways.

With all of my love,
Your Agnes


December 16

Dearest Dave,

You've truly been too kind! I must protest; I don't deserve such generosity. The thought of getting three French hens amazes me. Yet, I am not surprised--what more should I expect from such a nice person.

Love,
Agnes


December 17

Dear Dave,

Four calling birds arrived in the mail today. They are truly nice but don't you think that enough is enough? You are being too romantic.

Affectionately,
Agnes


December 18

Dearest darling Dave,

It was a surprise to get five golden rings! I now have one for every finger. You truly are impossible darling, yet oh how I love it! Quite frankly, all of those squawking birds from the previous days were starting to get on my nerves. Yet, you managed to come through with a beautiful valuable gift!

All my love,
Agnes



December 19

Dear Dave,

When I opened my door, there were actually six geese a-laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are dear, but where will I keep them? The neighbors are complaining about the smell, and I am unable to sleep with all the racket. Please stop dear.

Cordially,
Agnes


December 20

Dave,

What is with you and those stupid birds!? Seven swans a-swimming!! What kind of sick joke is this!!?? There are bird droppings everywhere! They never shut up, and I don't get any sleep!!! I'm a nervous wreck! It's not funny you weirdo, so stop with the birds.

Sincerely,
Agnes


December 21

O.K. wise guy,

The birds were bad enough. Now what do you expect me to do with eight maids a-milking? If that's not bad enough, they had to bring their cows!! The front lawn was completely ruined by them, and I can't move in my own house! Just lay off me or you'll be sorry!

Agnes


December 22

Hey loser,

What are you? You must be some kind of sadist!! Now there are nine pipers playing, and they certainly do play! They haven't stopped chasing those maids since they got here! The cows are getting upset, and they're stepping all over those screeching birds. The neighbors are getting up a petition to evict me, and I'm going out of my mind!

You'll get yours!
Agnes


December 23

You rotten scum!!!

There are now ten ladies dancing! There is only one problem with that! They're dancing twenty-four hours a day all around me with the pipers, upsetting the cows and the maids. The cows can't sleep, and all the racket has given them diarrhea! The building commissioner has declared my house unfit for human habitation and has subpoenaed me to give cause as to why the house shouldn't be condemned! I can't even think of a reason! You creep! I'm sicking the police on you!

One who means it!

December 24

Listen you evil, sadistic, maniac!

What's with the eleven lords-a-leaping?!? They are leaping across the rooms breaking everything! The pipers are fighting with the lords for top spot. They both are ravaging the maids, gang-banging the ladies and are now committing sodomy on the cows. The place smells, is an absolute mad house, and is about to be condemned! At least the birds are quiet; they were trampled to death by the cows during the orgy and are now rotting. I hope you are satisfied--you rotten vicious worthless piece of garbage!

Your sworn enemy,
Agnes


December 25

You Stinking Lousy Bastard,
The twelve drummers have teamed up with the pipers in making one heck of a din. Both have begun banging the lords as well as the cows and who knows what has happened to the milk-maids. They've probably drowned in the cow crap by now. The only way I have saved myself from being screwed to death is by hiding up that pear tree which has been so well fertilized that it's grown through the roof.

I hope you die!


December 26

The Law Offices of
Badger, Rees, and Yorker
20 Knave Street
Chicago, Illinois

Dear sir,

This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers-fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, one Agnes Mcholstein. The destruction of course was total. If you attempt to reach Ms. Mcholstein at Happy Daze Sanatarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on site.

Please direct all correspondence to this office in the future. With this letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest.

Cordially,
Badger, Rees, and Yorker

Jim, that has so much truth to it that it frightens me!

Outhouse Fix'n


Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out....
"Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"

Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."

Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."

So......Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse! "

Ma replies, "Stick your head in the hole!"

Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!"

Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."

So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"

Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"

Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling,
"Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"

To which Ma replies, "Hurt's, don't it ?!"

Dave was a farmer of flowers who grew the best spring flowers in the district. Every year without fail his neat rows of perfect tulips standing in sentinel rows would be the envy of all the other farmers in the area. But no matter how hard they tried they could never get Dave to explain how it was that he always had such an immaculate crop – Dave was just too canny to let his secret out the bag. Eventually his farmer friend Peter resolved to try one last time to find out just what miracle it was that Dave was working.

So Peter took Dave for a night out at the local boozer. After much had been imbibed, finally Dave’s tongue was loosened sufficiently for Peter to ask the vital question.

“So Dave” said Peter, “after all these years, tell me how do you always grow such perfect specimen tulips in your fields”.

“Hamsters !”, said Dave.

Well Peter was somewhat surprised at this one, and not sure if he was just being wound up, sought to press Dave for more.

“Yes Hamsters,” Dave continued “hundreds of the little buggers. I keep them in that big shed next to my fields. There must be hundreds of thousands of them, and I don’t mind telling you when you go in there, the smell is horrendous.”

“Tell me more” said Peter, getting more confused by the second, but having enough forethought to order Dave another drink.

“When they’re all fully grown, I go in there with my new steamroller. It’s a beaut – 4000 HP of bristling power under my right foot, and I go up and down the shed squishing the wee beasties. Then I have to put on my waders and scrape up the resulting goo into big plastic bags. That takes all day !”

“Then I wait for nightfall and take the bags into the yard and empty them into my finest spreader. It’s this that I then spread all over the fields and plough it in before first light. Three days later I plant the bulbs and bingo – perfect flowers every year. “

“I don’t understand – how come that works better than the fertilisers that I use. What’s your secret ?” asked Peter.

“Ah,” says Dave “it’s not really a secret. Everyone knows the best tulips are Tulips from Hamster jam !”

Ok, Al, you started it.

There once was a politician from up north who was very wealthy, and very successful. Unfortunately, he was so busy, he never had time to get married. But he so wanted a son. Being fabulously wealthy, he got the world's greatest biological minds to create a clone of himself.

A couple of years went by with no problems. Then, the cloned son picked up a bad habit - his language was awful. Sailors would cross the street to avoid the endless barage of four-lettered words, some of which they had not heard up until that point.

This got to be a real liability for the politician. Finally, after the clone gave the Queen of England an impressive demonstration of his command of the language, the politician decided he had to go.

So, they pack up and go to the Smokey Mountains. After climbing sevral hours, the politician and his clone stand at the top of a 1000 foot cliff, looking over the side. The politician steps back and YELLS as loudly as he can muster. This makes the clone jump, cursing all the way to his unfortunate demise.

From behind a nearby rock jumps the local sherrif. "You're under arrest" says the sherrif. "For what?" asks the politician.

"You made an obscene clone fall".

Have a great weekend

Craig

1. HOW DO YOU GET HOLY WATER?
... You boil the *ell out of it.

2. WHAT DO FISH SAY WHEN THEY HIT A CONCRETE WALL?
... Dam!


3. WHAT DO ESKIMOS GET FROM SITTING ON THE ICE?
... Polaroids.

4. WHAT DO YOU CALL A BOOMERANG THAT DOESN'T WORK?
... A stick.

5. WHAT DO YOU CALL CHEESE THAT ISN'T YOURS?
... Nacho cheese.

6. WHAT DO YOU CALL SANTA'S HELPERS?
... Subordinate Clauses.

7. WHAT DO YOU CALL 4 BULLFIGHTERS IN QUICKSAND?
... Quatro sinko.

8. WHAT DO YOU GET FROM A PAMPERED COW?
... Spoiled milk.

9. WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU CROSS A SNOWMAN WITH A VAMPIRE?
... Frostbite.

10. WHAT LIES AT THE BOTTOM OF THE OCEAN AND TWITCHES?
... A nervous wreck.

11. WHERE DO YOU FIND A DOG WITH NO LEGS?
... Right where you left him.

12. WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN ROAST BEEF AND PEA SOUP?
... Anyone can roast beef.

13. WHY DO GORILLAS HAVE BIG NOSTRILS?
... Because they have big fingers.

14. WHY DON'T BLIND PEOPLE LIKE TO SKY DIVE?
... Because it reeeeeaaaaaaly scares the dog.

15. WHAT KIND OF COFFEE WAS SERVED ON THE TITANIC?
... Sanka.

16. WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A HARLEY AND A HOOVER?
... The location of the Dirt Bag.

17. WHY DO PILGRIMS PANTS ALWAYS FALL DOWN?
... Because they wear their belt buckles on their hat.

18. WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A BAD GOLFER AND
A BAD SKYDIVER? ... A bad golfer goes whack.
A bad sky diver goes splat.

19. HOW DO YOU CATCH A UNIQUE RABBIT?
... Unique up on it.

20. HOW DO YOU CATCH A TAME RABBIT?
... Tame way, unique up on it.

21. WHAT DO YOU CALL SKYDIVING LAWYERS?
... Skeet.

22. WHAT GOES CLOP, CLOP, CLOP, BANG, BANG, CLOP, CLOP, CLOP?
... An Amish drive-by-shooting.

23. HOW ARE A TEXAS TORNADO AND TENNESSEE DIVORCE THE SAME?
... Somebody's gonna lose a trailer.

Here is where the absence of a work instruction may lead to a deviation.

If you are concerned that your process of forecasting business results may need improvement, then you need this new business tool! An absolutely usable method of forecasting used with success by thousands, including virtually every sleazy tabloid and charlatan prognosticator in the known universes! It's even adaptable to non-business processes such as romance, gossip, politics and war!

Easy to use by anyone! Requires no inconvenient data! No need to use complicated math processes such as trending, linear regression, subtraction or seasonal adjustment! Simple, 3-step process!
[list=1]
Buy a copy of the complete writings of Nostradamus, preferably in the original medieval French.
Each morning, do a highly selective reading of the text.
Announce what yesterday's forecast was (remember to quote selectively from the text), and the fact that you achieved the goal with 100% accuracy. Also remind the skeptics that it should be no surprise since the forecast is over 430 years old!
[/list=1]

DISCLAIMERS:
Not sold in stores! Your results may vary! Not responsible for any consequential or inconsequential, trivial or non-trivial, or any other kind of loss or damage that may result before or after use! I never promised you a rose garden! Available only on this web site! Use yesterday for best results! 50% of all profits donated to my cat! If you are not the intended recipient of this humor, please put on a blindfold before reading! Do not use a portable telephone while swimming! I love my wife! Look both ways before crossing! Warning - electric toaster may get hot! This document is uncontrolled if printed on paper! All words are guaranteed to be formed using only genuine ASCII characters! Send $100 Now! Life is hazardous to your health! Sign up now for our anti-drug prevention program! Our tests show that about half of all results are above average! Remove windscreen cover before driving! Our quality policy includes the words 'six' and 'sigma'! Call in the next five minutes before something happens! Not valid with this or any other offer!

A man is driving his brand new BMW on the freeway and decides to see what it can do, so he pushes on the gas pedal a bit and soon he's doing 95 mph. The next thing he knows, there are blue & red lights in his rear-view mirror and a loud siren can be heard.

He thinks to himself "hey, this is a brand new BMW; I can outrun this cop!" and he jams the gas pedal even further towards the floor. Soon he is going 130 mph down the highway with the cop right behind him.

After several moments, he realizes the futility of what he's doing and decides to pull over. The police officer comes up to the car and takes the mans licence and registration without a word. The cop looks at the car, looks at the driver, looks at the passing traffic, and finally speaks: "Okay, it's friday, it's near the end of my shift, and I really don't feel like doing any more paperwork, so if you can give me a reason for speeding that I haven't heard before, I'll let you go."

The man thinks for a brief moment and replies: "last week my wife left me and ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back."

The cop says "have a pleasant afternoon, sir."

Redneck Engineering Exam.

1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10-pound possum.

2. Which of the following cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard?
A. 66 Ford Fairlane
B. 69 Chevrolet Chevelle
C. 64 Pontiac GTO

3. If your uncle builds a still that operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine per hour, how many car radiators are necessary to condense the product?

4. A pulpwood cutter has a chain saw that operates at 2700 rpm. The density of the pine trees in a plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Pabst Blue Ribbons will it take to cut the trees?

5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented a charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the decrease in the ozone layer?

6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1-inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed?

7. A man owns a house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has 5 children. Can each of the children place a mobile home on the man's land?

8. A 2-ton pulpwood truck is overloaded and proceeding down a steep grade on a secondary road at 45 mph. The brakes fail. Given the average traffic loading of secondary roads, how many people will swerve to avoid the truck before it crashes at the bottom of the mountain?
For extra credit----,
How many of the vehicles that swerved will have mufflers and uncracked windshields?

9. A coalmine operates a NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area. The mine employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during the shift?

10. How many generations will it take before cattle develop two legs shorter than the others because of grazing along a mountainside?

As I've Grown:

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just a**holes.

I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better have a big willy or huge boobs.

I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others... they are more screwed up than you think.

I've learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you 're finished.

I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.

I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place.

I've learned that 99% of the time when something isn't working in your house, one of your kids did it.

I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.

It is the year 2000 and Noah lives in the United States. The Lord speaks to Noah and says, "In one year, I am going to make it rain and cover the whole earth with water until all is destroyed. But I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on the earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark." In a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications for an Ark. Fearful and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the Ark. "Remember," said the Lord, "You must complete the Ark and bring everything aboard in one year."


Exactly one year later...

A fierce storm cloud covered the earth and all the seas of the earth went into a tumult. The Lord saw Noah sitting in his yard weeping. "Noah," He shouted, "where is the Ark?"

"Lord, please forgive me!" cried Noah. "I did my best, but there were big problems. First, I had to get a permit for construction and your plans did not comply with the codes. I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the plans. Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkle system and flotation devices. Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission. I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl. I finally convinced the U.S. Forest Service that I needed the wood to save the owls. However, the Fish and Wildlife Service won't let me catch any owls. So, no owls. The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Union. Now I have 16 carpenters on the Ark, but still no owls.

"When I started rounding up the other animals, I got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me only taking two of each kind aboard. Just when I got the suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I could not complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the universe. Then the Army Corps of Engineers demanded a map of the proposed new flood plan. I sent them a globe. Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practicing discrimination by not taking godless, unbelieving people aboard! The IRS has seized my assets, claiming that I'm building the Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes. I just got a notice from the state that I owe them some kind of user tax and failed to register the Ark as a "recreational water craft." Finally, the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against further construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding the earth, it is a religious event and therefore, it is unconstitutional. I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another 5 or 6 years!" Noah wailed.

Suddenly, the sky began to clear, the sun began to shine and the seas began to calm. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up hopefully, "You mean you are not going to destroy the earth, Lord?" "No," said the Lord sadly. "I don't have to. Mankind already has."

A new, young MD doing his residency in OB was quite embarrassed performing female pelvic exams. To cover his embarrassment he had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.

The middle aged lady upon whom he was performing an exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassed him.

He looked up from his work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?"

She replied, "No Doctor, but the song you were whistling was 'I Wish I Was an Oscar Meyer Wiener'."

The following is a letter from a hillbilly in the army:


Dear Ma and Pa:

Am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Army beats working for Old Man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before maybe all the places are filled. I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. (but am getting so I like to sleep late). Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things -- no hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. You got to shave, but it is not bad in warm water.

Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, beef, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and regular food. But tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit between two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon, when you get fed. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on "route marches" which the Sgt. says, are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it is not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys all get sore feet and we ride back in trucks. The country is nice, but awful flat.

The Sgt. is like a schoolteacher. He nags some. The Cap. is like the school board. Cols. and Gens. just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none. This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bull's-eye is near big as a chipmonk and don't move. And it ain't shooting at you, like the Higsett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellows get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving son, Zeb

P.S. Speaking of shooting, enclosed is $200 for barn roof and ma's teeth. The city boys shoot craps, but not very good.

12 Rules of Life

1. Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas.

2. You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape.

3. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship are "I apologize" and "you are right."

4. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them. (love this one!)

5. Never pass up an opportunity to pee.

6. If he/she says that you are too good for him/her - believe them.

7. Learn to pick your battles; ask yourself, "Will this matter one year from now? How about one month? One week? One day?"

8. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm.

9. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!

10. Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just might mean that the other person was right about you.

11. Work is good, but it's not that important. Money is nice, but you can't take it with you. Statistics show most people don't live to spend all they saved; some die even before they retire. Anything we have isn't really ours; it was given to us by God; He just letting us borrow it while we're here...even our kids. So enjoy it while you have it.

12. And finally... Be really good to your family and/or friends. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.

Life is really so simple!

This is how I feel today.

I lived in West Virginia one time and had to take this test for a QE job. Can you pass it?
Redneck Engineering Exam

1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10-pound possum.

2. Which of the following cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard? 66 Ford Fairlane, 69 Chevrolet Chevelle, 64 Pontiac GTO.

3. If your uncle builds a still that operates at a capacity of 20
gallons of shine per hour, how many car radiators are necessary to condense the product?

4. A woodcutter has a chain saw that operates at 2700 rpm. The density of the pine trees in a plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweisers will it take to cut the trees?

5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented a charge of
R-12simultaneously, what would be the decrease in the ozone layer?

6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1-inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed?

7. A man owns a Tennessee house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has 5 children. Can each of the children place a mobile home on the man's land?

8. A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yards down a steep grade on a secondary road at 45 mph. The brakes fail. Given the average traffic on secondary roads, what are the chances that it will strike a vehicle that has a muffler?

9. A coal mine operates a NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area. The mine employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during the shift?

10. At a reduction in gene pool variability rate of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town that has been bypassed by the interstate to breed a country-western singer?

Oh yes, I lived in Bluefield for a few years in the mid 90's and was assistant mgr of a Radio Shack store. What can you expect from a state that has the satellite dish as it's state flower!!!

Bubba is 32 years old, his wife Daisy is 16 and Bubbet is 4. If Bubbet starts school on her 5th birthday how long will it take before she passed Bubba in school?

What to Do With All Those "Free" Soaps When Travelling


This is some correspondence which actually occurred between a London
hotel's staff and one of its guests. The London hotel involved
submitted this to the Sunday Times. No name was mentioned.

Dear Maid,
Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my
bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial. Please remove
the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest
and another three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way.
Thank you,
S. Berman

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Room 635,
I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from
her day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as
you requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and
put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your
mind. This leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions
from the management is to leave 3 soaps daily.
I hope this is satisfactory.
Kathy, Relief Maid

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Maid -- I hope you are my regular maid.
Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the
little bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening I found
you had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet.
I am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my
own bath-size Dial so I won't need those 6 little Camays which are on
the shelf. They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc.
Please remove them.
S. Berman

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mr. Berman,
My day off was last Wed. so the relief maid left 3 hotel soaps which
we are instructed by the management. I took the 6 soaps which were in
your way on the shelf and put them in the soap dish where your Dial
was. I put the Dial in the medicine cabinet for your convenience.
I didn't remove the 3 complimentary soaps which are always placed
inside the medicine cabinet for all new check-ins and which you did
not object to when you checked in last Monday. Please let me
know if I can of further assistance.
Your regular maid,
Dotty

----------------------------------------------------------------------


Dear Mr. Berman,
The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this A.M. that you
called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid
service. I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will
accept my apologies for any past inconvenience. If you have any
future complaints please contact me so I can give it my personal
attention. Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM. Thank you.
Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Miss Carmen,
It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for
business at 745 AM and don't get back before 530 or 6PM. That's the
reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night. You were already off duty.
I only asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do anything about those little
bars of soap. The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a
new check-in today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my
medicine cabinet along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the
bath-room shelf. In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little
bars of soap. Why are you doing this to me?
S. Berman

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mr. Berman,
Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your
room and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of further assistance,
please call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM. Thank you,
Elaine Carmen,
Housekeeper

----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr. Kensedder,
My bath-size Dial is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from my
room including my own bath-size Dial. I came in late last night and
had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets.
S. Berman

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mr. Berman,
I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem.
I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids
are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a room.
The situation will be rectified immediately. Please accept my
apologies for the inconvenience.
Martin L. Kensedder
Assistant Manager

----------------------------------------------------------------------


Dear Mrs. Carmen,
Who the **** left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I came in last
night and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54 little bars
of Camay. I want my one **** bar of bath-size Dial. Do you realize I
have 54 bars of soap in here. All I want is my bath size Dial.
Please give me back my bath-size Dial.
S. Berman

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mr. Berman,
You complained of too much soap in your room so I had them removed.
Then you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was missing so
I personally returned them. The 24 Camays which had been taken and
the 3 Camays you are supposed to receive daily (sic). I don't know
anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets. Obviously your maid, Kathy,
did not know I had returned your soaps so she also brought 24 Camays
plus the 3 daily Camays. I don't know where you got the idea this
hotel issues bath-size Dial. I was able to locate some bath-size
Ivory which I left in your room.
Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mrs. Carmen,
Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory.
As of today I possess:

- On shelf under medicine cabinet - 18 Camay in 4 stacks of
4 and 1 stack of 2.
- On Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1
stack of 3.
- On bedroom dresser - 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, 1
stack of 4 hotel-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4.
- Inside medicine cabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1
stack of 2.
- In shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist.
- On northeast corner of tub - 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used.
- On northwest corner of tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.

Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks are
neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more
than 4 have a tendency to tip. May I suggest that my bedroom window
sill is not in use and will make an excellent spot for future soap
deliveries. One more item, I have purchased another bar of bath-sized
Dial which I am keeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid further
misunderstandings.
S. Berman

16 REASONS WHY ALCOHOL SHOULD BE SERVED AT WORK...

1. It's an incentive to show up.

2. It leads to more honest communications.

3. It reduces complaints about low pay.

4. Employees tell management what they think, not what they want to hear.

5. It encourages car pooling.

6. Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't care.

7. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.

8. It makes fellow employees look better.

9. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.

10. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.

11. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.

12. Employees work later since there's no longer a need to relax at the bar.

13. It makes everyone more open with their ideas.

14. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break.

15. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.

16. Sitting "Bare ***" on the copy machine will no longer be seen as gross."

The new boyfriend

While, I was recovering from surgery and spending most of the day in bed, my seven year old son asked me why I didn't get a boyfriend, since his Dad had left.

I told him the television was my new boyfriend; he entertains me all the time and, even though he sometimes doesn't start, I just give it a few hard whacks on the side and it comes back on and I'm happy as a lark for hours.
He was satisfied with the explanation and walked away.

Sunday the pastor stopped by to check on my recovery. My son answered the door. The pastor smiled and asked "Is your Mom busy, son?"

My little one looked up at him and replied, "Yes, sir, she is in the bedroom banging her new boyfriend and once she gets him started, she'll be happy for hours!"
:eek:

I was asked why I wasn't married awhile ago!!! I guess I deserved that one Jim. :biglaugh: :vfunny: :bonk:

The picture has aged (like the person in it) a little since '77! But that is a '64 1/2 GTO 389 Tri-power with a 411 positrack rear, "Hearst" syncronized mesh 4 speed with pistol grip (420 hp). It also had the top of the line 8 track with the back floor board full of tapes (Led Zepplin, Doors, Who, etc.). You can't see them since I had to crop it but there is also a '65 Impala, a '64 Coronet 440 and a '67 Mustang LX. I was just starting on the Mustang and it was mainly in pieces but I had just finished the GTO and had just picked it up from paint. It really was a Fire Engine Red.

Yes, I used to run into the doors a lot in California too. Then I moved to Ohio and stopped drinking. :bonk:

Dave

Oh, man, I was ready for a fight!!!! [QUOTE]The Doors, eh? I was once on stage with them [QUOTE]
That must have been something. I had a beer with Joan Jett once in Charleston SC. It was a little while after her career had gone south, but I thought she still looked great!!! Her and Tommy Shaw were playing. That's about as close as I got, I did get hit with a drum stick, and mobbed before I knew what had hit me, during a White Zombi concert a few years ago though. :biglaugh: Don't ask me what I was doing there.

Could this be what is happening to Energy and Lucinda?????

Randy Stewart said:

Could this be what is happening to Energy and Lucinda?????

Tell you what Stew, why don't you call them and ask?

The HR girl was a total mazy loran herself with no experience and screwed up the departure paperwork, etc. which of course I had to point out to her in order to get corrected, so she feels no love. She only works part-time so it would be her boss taking calls the other half of the time. And that one's a control freak who was jealous that they hired me in at manager level so that she wasn't the only female mgr anymore. So yep I've been kind of curious what they've been saying.

It's got to be something because I'm not even getting in to be interviewed! Fact is that every interview I've ever gone on resulted in a job offer, so getting my foot in the door is all I need. They just have to meet me to love me ! ( Isn't that right Randy?:biglaugh: )

Lucinda,

So, be sneeky. Get a friend from a real company to call your former company and ask for a reference. See what they say about you. Know what they are saying, then you know how to counter them!

This is truly a heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little girl and some construction workers. This makes you want to believe in the goodness of people and that there is hope for the human race.


A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next-door and started talking with the workers.

She hung around and eventually the construction crew, all of them gems-in-the-rough, more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a dollar. The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the dollar pay she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When they got to the bank the teller was equally impressed with the story and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.

The little girl proudly replied, "I worked all last week with a crew
building a house."

"My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"

The little girl replied, "I will if those useless sons-a-bitches at Home Depot ever bring us any drywall that's worth a ****!"

KIND OF BRINGS A TEAR TO ONE'S EYE.

She story about the little girl and the construction workers continues:

Of course she picked up a good deal of rather rude language at the construction site, and her parents were not amused. In fact they disliked it so much that she got spanked for it...

After the spanking, wiping her tears she hissed between clenched teeth: -You'll be in deep **** when the union finds out about this!:vfunny:

/Claes

Recently while going through an airport, President Bush encountered a man with long hair, wearing a robe and sandals, holding a staff. President Bush went up to the man and said, "Aren't you Moses?" The man never answered but just kept staring ahead. Again the President said, "Moses!" in a loud voice. The man just kept staring ahead, never answering the president. Soon a secret service agent came along and
President Bush grabbed him and said, "Doesn't this man look like Moses to you?" The secret service agent agreed with the President. "Well," said the President, "every time I say his name, he just keeps staring ahead and refuses to speak. " Watch!" Again, the President yelled, Moses!" and again the man stared ahead. The secret service man went up to the man in the robe
and whispered, "You look just like Moses. Are you Moses?" The man leaned over and whispered,"Yes, I am Moses, but the last time I talked to a bush I spent 40 years wandering in the desert!"

This is written in first person, but it's not my story.....

For all of you who have or have had small children ... we can relate! And
the rest of us can just laugh till we pee!

"My three year old son had a lot of problems with potty training; and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course, I checked my seven month old daughter, and she was clean. The I realized that Matt had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him and he said, "No." I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident and I didn't have any clean clothes with me."

Then I said, "Matt are you sure you did not have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just knew that he must have, because the smell was getting worse. Sooooo.... I asked one more time, "Matt, did you have an accident?" Matt jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled.... "SEE, MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!!" While 100 people nearly choked to death on their tacos, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down to eat his food as if nothing had happened. I was mortified! Some kind elderly people made me feel a lot better, when they came over and thanked me for the best laugh they had ever had!!!

Another old gentleman stopped us in the parking lot as we were leaving, bent over to my son and said, "Don't worry son, my wife accuses me of the same thing all the time. I just never had the nerve to make the point like you did."

New gas prices.

I saw a cartoon showing 2 people driving by a sign that had the following options:

Severe
High <-----------------
Elevated
Guarded
Low

The arrow was pointing to "high". One person asked the other, "Terror alert level?". The other person replies, "Gas prices".

To Cove members from the UK: A day or so ago I believe someone from the UK was criticizing the US educational system here on the Cove. I wonder if this is one of the courses y'all suggest we Yanks adopt? :vfunny:

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/article/0,,2-585546,00.html

How to Bathe a Cat


1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.

2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water. Do not put the lid down.

3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him toward the bathroom.

4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close the lid (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape).

CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for any purchase they can find.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "powerwash and rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.

6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid.

8. Your clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.

Sincerely,
The DOG

skullsike said:

Man that sucks don't it!:eek:

For sure. Kind of grabs you by the jolly ole arse!:vfunny: :smokin:

While attending a Six Sigma training session at a major university, the instructor decided to show a rather unique lesson on regression analysis and Design of Experiments (DOE).

The professor took a frog and placed it on the floor in front of him. Along the floor was a graduated line showing distances in centimeters. He told the frog to jump, to which it dutifully performed. The instructor measured the jump. This was repeated 75 times and each distance was plotted on a graph. A normal distribution curve was illustrated.

The professor then took a scalpel and removed the left front leg of the frog. Once again the frog was commanded to jump. Despite the missing leg, the frog jumped on command. Once again, the professor measured the distance. It was considerably shorter than the first jump. Again the jump was repeated 75 times and plotted on a graph. It was clear that removing one leg substantially hampered the frog’s performance.

The professor then removed the opposite front leg of the frog. The experiment was repeated, and again the distance was considerably shorter, proving that the front legs play an important role (read significant variable) in the frog’s jumping performance.

The professor then removed the left rear leg, and repeated the jumping experiment. The distance the frog was able to jump was incredibly diminished! Also, the frog was unable to maintain a forward jump and the lateral movement was almost as great as the forward distance. Repeating the experiment 75 times confirmed the fact that missing one rear leg made the jump ineffective.

Finally the professor removed the final leg of the frog. The frog was once again commanded to jump, but it sat there without any movement. This too, was repeated 75 times, proving that once you remove all four legs of a frog it goes deaf!

Mike S. said:

To Cove members from the UK: A day or so ago I believe someone from the UK was criticizing the US educational system here on the Cove. I wonder if this is one of the courses y'all suggest we Yanks adopt? :vfunny:

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/article/0,,2-585546,00.html


:eek:

Perhaps we yanks don't know how to spend our education money!!!

LOL

CarolX

Have you heard of this recent report?

The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the U.S. auto makers for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in four-wheel drive pick-up trucks. These boxes were installed in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.

They were surprised to find in 49 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh, Sh*t!"

Only the state of Montana was different - 89.3 percent of the final words were: "Hold my beer and watch this!"

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The salesgirl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.

She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?"

He answers, " You see, it's like this. Yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers cause it's so much cheaper. So I figure if I have to roll my own so does she."

Subject: College Football

1) What does the average Michigan State player get on his SATs?
..........Drool.

(2) What do you get when you put 8 Arkansas cheerleaders in one room?
..........A full set of teeth.

(3) How do you get a Wisconsin cheerleader into your dorm room?
..........Grease her hips and push. (OUCH!!!!!)

(4) How do you get a Missouri graduate off your porch?
..........Pay him for the pizza.

(5) Why do the Texas Tech cheerleaders wear bibs?
..........To keep the tobacco juice off their uniforms.

(6) Why is the Indiana University football team like a possum?
..........Because they play dead at home and get killed on the road.

(7) What are the longest three years of an Iowa football player's life?
..........His freshman year.

(8) How many Ohio State freshmen does it take to change a light bulb?
........None....That's a sophomore course.

(9) Where was O.J. headed in the white Bronco?
.........Minnesota. He knew that the police would never look there for a
Heisman Trophy winner.

AND FINALLY (drum roll and cymbal crash.....)

(10) Why did Illinois choose orange as their team color?
..........You can wear it for the game on Saturday, hunting on Sunday and picking up trash along the highways the rest of the week.

How 'bout them Badgers??? In 1st place!!!! (at least for now) (Did Michigan forget some of their players? Sorry all you Michiganders but I don't get to "trashtalk" one of my favorite states very often)

Bill

The European Union commissioners have announced that an agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).

In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c". Sertainly sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard "c" will be replaced with "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replased by "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20 persent shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments wil enkorage the removal of double leters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by "z" and "w" by "v".

During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou", and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst place....

:rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes:

Did Michigan forget some of their players?
Bill,
It was either that or they suited up some of the MSU players!!:biglaugh:

You did forget one from your list. What is the first thing a MSU grad says after receiving their diploma?

Would you like fries with that!!

Really enjoyed your last couple of posts.:thedeal:

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his system upset. Upon making several false-alarm trips to the bathroom he decided the latest was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.

Losing his presence of mind, he jumped up, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing,and swinging his arms wildly, which left the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there staring down at the sheets, a security guard who had watched the whole incident walked up and asked, "What the **** was that all about?"

Still staring down, the drunk replied, "I think I just beat the sh*t out of a ghost!"

Apologies to my fellow Lady covers. For some reason these brought a sh** eatin' grin to my face today.

Mens favorite "one liners"...

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
----------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will
probably never be able to support you.
----------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand
closer to the kitchen sink.
----------------------------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."
----------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
----------------------------------------
Why do men break wind more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
----------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
----------------------------------------
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
--------------------------------------
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
----------------------------------------
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don't like to interrupt
her.
---------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex
drive by 90%. It's called a Wedding Cake.
----------------------------------------
Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.
----------------------------------------
Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!"
----------------------------------------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God
created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God
nor Man has rested.
------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives? They want to.
----------------------------------------
A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, "I haven't eaten anything for days."
She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."
----------------------------------------
Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa
a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad: That happens in every country, son.
----------------------------------------
A man inserted an advertisement in the classified:
Wife Wanted." The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
----------------------------------------
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
----------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the
street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are
beautiful.

:bigwave: :vfunny: :bigwave:

Bill

The "chicken" according to...

GEORGE W. BUSH
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or it is against us. There is no middle ground here.

AL GORE
I invented the chicken. I invented the road. Therefore, the chicken
crossing the road represented the application of these two different functions of government in a new, reinvented way designed to bring greater services to the American people.

RALPH NADER
The chicken's habitat on the original side of the road had been polluted by unchecked industrialist greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled habitat on the other side of the road because it was crushed by the wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV.

PAT BUCHANAN
To steal a job from a decent, hard-working American.

RUSH LIMBAUGH
I don't know why the chicken crossed the road, but I'll bet it was
getting a government grant to cross the road, and I'll bet someone out there is already forming a support group to help chickens with crossing-the-road syndrome. Can you believe this? How much more of this can real Americans take? Chickens crossing the road paid for by their tax dollars, and when I say tax dollars, I'm talking about your money, money the government took from you to build roads for chickens to cross.

JERRY FALWELL
Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side. That's what they call it -- the other side. Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this bomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side."

DR. SEUSS
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I've not been told!

ERNEST HEMINGWAY
To die. In the rain. Alone.

GRANDPA
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

BARBARA WALTERS
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting and went on to accomplish its life-long dream of crossing the road.

JOHN LENNON
Imagine all the chickens crossing roads in peace.

ARISTOTLE
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

KARL MARX
It was a historical inevitability.

SADDAM HUSSEIN
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

VOLTAIRE
I may not agree with what the chicken did, but I will defend to the death its right to do it.

CAPTAIN KIRK
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

FOX MULDER
You saw it cross the road with your own eyes! How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?

SIGMUND FREUD
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES
I have just released e-Chicken 2003, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook-and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of e-Chicken.

MARTHA STEWART
No one called to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the farmer's market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

ALBERT EINSTEIN
Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken, please?

THE BIBLE
And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

COLONEL SANDERS
I missed one?

JIM WADE
Let’s discuss the question of “Why did the chicken want to cross the road?” Was it merely to get to the other side, like other chickens, without a thought as to why ? Then why doesn’t really matter, does it? If the chicken really cared about why it wanted to cross the road, it should have considered the real reason “why ” it is that chickens have this desire to get to the other side. Maybe to share ideas with another chicken of equal or greater stature in creating reasons for these silly road crossings, perhaps. Possibly to meet a publisher to publish its works on its success secrets on getting to the other side without getting those feathers ruffled or Rooster hopped on the way. Or, to meet some young hen with a yen for smart chickens with which to strike up a courtship or a one night stand. Regardless, no decent self-respecting chicken should ever just want to cross a road without a goal or objective. Preferrably, (IMHO) measurable. To just want to “get to the other side” (IMHO), cheapens the accomplishment and this fowl may as well be called a Chicklatan.

Oh Boy, I miss him already!:vfunny:

:ko: :smokin:

I got this from a female coworker... and no: She is not my boss.

/Claes

Women's Issues


Estrogen, Pregnancy and Women

PREGNANCY Q &A &more!

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

BIG MOUSE!

Toward the end of the golf course, Harry somehow managed to hit his ball into the woods finding it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.

All of a sudden . . POOF! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for that, you won't have any butter for your popcorn the rest of your life; better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life..... as a matter of fact, you won't have any butter for anything the rest of your life!"

THEN POOF! .... she was gone.

After Harry got a hold of himself, he hollered for his friend Fred. "Fred, where are you?"

Fred yells back, "I'm over here, in the Pussywillows."

Harry yells back ......"DON'T SWING FRED!!! for God sake, DON'T SWING!!"

See the attached to see pictures of celebrities without makeup...

The Sign Painter:vfunny: :smokin:

A couple is lying in bed.
The man says, “I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.”

The woman says, "I'll miss you."
__________________________________

”It's just too hot to wear clothes today”, Jack says as he stepped out of the shower,
”Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"

”Probably that I married you for your money”, she replied.
__________________________________

He said, “Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you really badly.”

She said, “Well, you succeeded.”
__________________________________

He said, “Shall we try swapping positions tonight?”

She said, “That's a good idea...you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.”
__________________________________

He said, “What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?”

She said, “Turn sideways and look in the mirror.”
__________________________________

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?

A: A rumor
__________________________________

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt.
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me,

”What setting do I use on the washing machine?”

”It depends”, I replied. “What does it say on your shirt?”

He yelled back, “Texas A&M “

And they say blondes are dumb....

:ko: :smokin:

Think about this:

a. The number of physicians in the US is 700,000.

b. Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year is 120,000.

c. Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171. (US Dept.of Health & Human Services)

Then think about this:

a. The number of gun owners in the US is 80,000,000.

b. The number of accidental gun deaths per year (all age groups) is 1,500.

c. The number of accidental deaths per gun owner .0000188.

Statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.

FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN, BUT ALMOST EVERYONE HAS AT LEAST ONE DOCTOR.

Please alert your friends to this alarming threat. We must ban doctors before this gets out of hand.

As a public health measure I have withheld the statistics on lawyers for fear that the shock could cause people to seek medical attention

Some have probably seen this before, but with the meetings I've been in the last couple of days I had to break it out again.

"Think out of the snow"

Anybody who has been to University / College might appreciate this!


THINGS THAT CHANGE WHEN YOU LEAVE UNIVERSITY:
1. 6:00 am is when you get up, not when you go to sleep
2. Having sex in a single bed is absurd.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. Your fantasies of having sex with three women with lesbian tendencies are replaced by fantasies of having sex with anyone at all.
5. You don't volunteer for clinical trials at the local hospital.
6. You know all of the people sleeping in your house.
7. You hear your favourite song in the lift at work.
8. Informative TV does not include Richard and Judy.
9. The bank manager doesn't write threatening letters any more.
10. You carry an umbrella.
11. Seven-day benders are no longer realistic.
12. You don't go to Tesco with all your friends.
13. You have standing orders and direct debits.
14. The heating works in your house.
15. Your friends marry and divorce instead of get together and break-up.
16. You pay the government thousands of pounds every year.
17. You go from 130 days of holidays to 20.
18. Jeans and a jumper no longer qualify as 'dressed up'.
19. You're the one calling the police because those **** kids next door won't turn down the stereo.
20. You get out of bed in the morning even if it's raining.
21. Washing up is not an annual ritual.
22. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
23. You don't know what time the kebab shop closes anymore.
24. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
25. You feed your dog Pal instead of McDonalds.
26. You don't get ideas for drinks from local tramps.
27. You don't put half-finished curries in the fridge to eat later.
28. You don't spend half your day strategically planning pub crawls.
29. You "hate scrounging students".
30. You no longer have a strange attraction to road signs when drunk.
31. Sleeping in the lounge is a no-no.
32. You can't persuade your flatmates to 'Drink till dawn'.
33. You don't spend Wednesday afternoons in the pub.
34. You always know where you are when you wake up.
35. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 p.m.
36. A fire in the kitchen is not a laugh.
37. You go to the chemist for Panadol and antacids, not condoms and pregnancy test kits.
38. A £3 bottle of wine is no longer 'pretty good stuff'.
39. You can remember the name of the person you wake up next to.
40. You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.
41. You don't have mice living in your kitchen.
42. Grocery lists are longer than pot noodles & cans of lager.
43. You don't go to Liquor Save to buy Vodka.
44. You have vacuumed.
45. Breaking the law means doing 40 in a 30 zone.
46. 'I just can't drink the way I used to' replaces 'I'm never going to drink that much again'.
47. Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
48. You don't experiment with banned substances.
9. You don't get drunk at home, to save money, before going to a pub.
50. Lunchtime is not 'the morning'

:biglaugh: :biglaugh: :biglaugh:

"Hi honey, this is Daddy... Is your Mommy near the phone?"

"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank."

After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!"

"Oh yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy right now."

"Uh, okay, then ... here's what I want you to do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy and Uncle Frank that Daddy's car just pulled up outside the house."

"Okay, Daddy!"

A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy."

"And what happened?" he asks.

"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and fell down the stairs and she's not moving any more.

"Oh no. And what about Uncle Frank?"

"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too, and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool.... but he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and he's not moving either."


**** long pause***











Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool??? Is this 597-7039?"

Outrageous Ways People have Died - True Accounts.

A 16 year old boy deodorized himself to death. He suffered a heart attack because his blood contained 10 times the lethal dose of propane and butane. It had accumulated because he had sprayed his body for months with extreme amounts of deodorant.

A 73 year old New York man died of exposure on his own front porch during the freezing winter of 1989, when he became stuck in a trash can. People who passed by thought he was joking around so no one stopped to help.

A woman was so worried about dying of stomach cancer that she drank 4 gallons of water a day. She died at the age of 29 of kidney failure.

A California woman who had been arrested for shoplifting, declared she would hold her breath until she turned blue if the police didn't release her. They refused to release her so she held her breath and died.

A 27 year old man died when he glued his nostrils shut. He had confused a bottle of glue with his nasal spray.

In 1998 a Frenchman intent on committing suicide devised what he thought was a fool proof method. He planned to jump from a cliff with a noose around his neck the other end securely tied to a large rock. In addition he drank poison and set fire to himself before he jumped and fired a pistol at his head. Contrary to his plan, the bullet missed his head but severed the rope so he didn't hang. His burning clothes were extinguished by the cold ocean at the bottom of the cliff. The water was so cold that it caused him to vomit the poison. He was rescued from the water and taken to a hospital. There he did finally die of hypothermia.

I know this is true for me.
Subject: 10 things men understand about women

Top Ten Things Men Understand About Women
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.

There are 2 things I can say I know; I will never understand them and the somehow PMS is our fault.

Randy Stewart said:

There are 2 things I can say I know; I will never understand them and the somehow PMS is our fault.

Of course it's your fault, it stands for Putting up with Men's S#!%!!!:biglaugh: :vfunny: :p

Man, where did that come from??????? The Steel one has flexed and slapped!!! :biglaugh: See, just goes to show you how little I understand about women. I always thought it stood for Pre, Present and Post, depending on what week of the month it was.
I use to go drunk and hungover for 1 week out of the month to show my wife what it was like to live with her during PMS. But then again, that maybe why I've been divorced more than once!!!!

Ah, Stew, you left yourself wide open for that one. Nothing personal, ya understand? It's one of my principle weaknesses, I can't let an opportunity slide by! Peace?:biglaugh:

Nothing personal, ya understand?
Didn't figure it any other way. Been an auditor and auditee too long to let things get to me! Besides it's nothing that a couple Irish Coffees wouldn't take care of this morning so fire away! :bigwave:

Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he
couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.

But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice that said: "Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go.."

But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality, whispering: "Dave, you're a vet"

As the airliner pushed back from the gate, the flight attendant
gave the passengers the usual information regarding seat
belts, etc. Finally, she said, "Now sit back and enjoy your trip
while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely
to your destination."

Joe sitting in the eighth row thought to himself, "Did I hear her
right? Is the captain a woman?"

When the attendants came by with the drink cart, he said,
"Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?"

"Yes," said the attendant, "In fact, this entire crew is female."

"My God," said Joe, "I'd better have two scotch and sodas.
I don't know what to think of all those women up there in the
cockpit."

"That's another thing," said the attendant, "We no longer call it
the cockpit. Now it's the box office."

Susie Lee done fell in love,
> >She planned to marry Joe.
> >She was so happy bout it all,
> >She told her pappy so.

> >Pappy told her "Susie gal,
> >You have to find another.
> >I'd just as soon yo' ma don't know,
> >But Joe is yo' half brother."

> >So Susie put aside her Joe
> >And planned to marry Will.
> >But after tell'n Pappy this,
> >He said, "There is trouble still."

> >You can't marry Will my gal,
> >And please don't tell yo' mother
> >But Will and Joe and many mo',
> >I know is yo' half brother.

> >But Mama knew and said, "My child,
> >Just do what makes you happy.
> >Marry Will or marry Joe,
> >You ain't no kin to Pappy."

Here is why you should buy the extended warranty....

Richard,
Isn't that the new version of "My dog ate my homework"?:vfunny:

How many places can you visit where you can find Frank Zappa and Homer Simpson being quoted on the same page as Hemmingway, Plato and Churchill?????? Got to admit this place (Cove) is special!

Famous Beer Quotes

You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline - it helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer. --Frank Zappa

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut. --Ernest Hemmingway

Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me. --Winston Churchill

He was a wise man who invented beer. --Plato

Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.
--Catherine Zandonella

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her. --W.C. Fields

Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink. --Lady Astor to Winston Churchill; Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it. --His reply

Sir, you're drunk! --Lady Astor to Winston Churchill; Yes, Madam, I am. But in the morning, I will be sober and you will still be ugly. --His reply

If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs. --David Daye

Work is the curse of the drinking class. --Oscar Wilde

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
--Henny Youngman

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
--Benjamin Franklin

If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose. --Deep Thought, Jack Handy

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. --Dave Barry

The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind. --Humphrey Bogart

Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine. --David Moulton

People who drink light "beer" don't like the taste of beer; they just like to pee alot. --Capital Brewery, Middleton, WI

Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world. --Kaiser Welhelm

I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer. --Homer Simpson

Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer. --Dave Barry

I drink to make other people interesting. --George Jean Nathan

They who drink beer will think beer. --Washington Irving

An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools. --For Whom the Bell Tolls, Ernest Hemmingway

You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on. --Dean Martin

All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me - so let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer. --Homer Simpson :bigwave: :biglaugh:

During battle between Britain and France, the French captured an English major. Taking the major to their headquarters, the French general began to question him. The French general asked, "Why do you English officers all wear red coats? Don't you know the red material makes you easier targets for us to shoot at?"

The major informed the general that the reason English officers wear red coats is so that if they are shot, the blood won't show and the men they are leading won't panic.

And that is why from that day to now all French Army officers wear brown pants.

From Purgatory to H*ll: America's oddest town names

By Sherry Stripling
Seattle Times staff reporter


It's a long way from Scratch Ankle, Ala., to Good Grief, Idaho; from Stinking Point, Va., to Yum Yum, Tenn.; from Dynamite, Wash., to Tranquility, Calif.

But stopping to take pictures along the way, writer Gary Gladstone reports that meeting the people who lived there put the fun back into his flagging career as a freelance photographer. The result is "Passing Gas: And Other Towns Along the American Highway" (Ten Speed Press, $19.95), so named because people who drive through Gas, Kan., are told not to blink or they'll pass Gas.

In getting glimpses of who lives in Purgatory, Maine, or Tightwad, Mo., Gladstone comes up with Nothing, Ariz., or Zero, Mont., in trying to find out how some of these towns got their names. That's nothing to Panic, Pa., about.

But there's something reassuring about towns so small that people 10 miles away have never heard of them, or where an elderly woman agrees to get her photo taken because "Velma at the County says that you're OK."

Gladstone writes that he started his 38,000-mile journey over 40 states expecting to find cartoon characters, but instead found real people. Some a little odd, a few surly, but most happy to share all they know about their strangely named little towns.

"Oh, boy. You've just made my year!" bare-footed Chris McKinley says as he poses atop his pickup truck in Scratch Ankle, Ala., named when church people passing by in their carriages noted that scratching mosquito bites was the prime pastime of people on porches.

In Intercourse, Ala., named for the crossroads where the general store sits, Gladstone heard that after a series of car crashes outside the town's meeting hall, the local sewing instruction group was asked to take down its sign, "Intercourse Lessons Wednesday Night."

He did not learn the origin of the names of Rough and Ready and Fearnot, neighboring towns in Pennsylvania, but he did hear about a newspaper headline from the 1930s: "Fearnot Man Marries Rough and Ready Woman."

Another headline, this time from Nice, Calif., made Jay Leno's headline segment on "The Tonight Show": "Nice man arrested for beating wife."

The origin of the name Suck-Egg Hollow in Tennessee was not so nice. A local egg farmer shot every animal that came near his henhouse until he discovered black snakes were sucking down his eggs. Meanwhile, Toad Suck, Ark., was named for ferry boat captains who sucked down moonshine whisky in between runs until they "swole up like toads."

Towns were named for prominent people - Dull (Ohio); Nuttsville (Virginia) - and for the parting words of prominent people whose names were spurned (In Michigan: "You can call this place H*ll for all I care").

Civil War soldiers left the legacy of Sweetlips, Tenn., when they stopped for a drink at the stream, and for Stinking Point, Va., when their bodies washed up on shore.

Peculiar, Mo., could have been called Exasperation. After turning down a mail district three times for picking names that were already chosen, officials sent a message saying that they didn't care what it was called as long as it was peculiar, meaning unique.

In the five years of intermittently traveling these back roads, Gladstone learned to call ahead to find someone willing to talk and pose for the photos, which sometimes are directly related to the town name - as in Fleatown, Ohio, where the dog posing with his owners just by chance started to scratch - but more often not.

Gladstone has shot photos for Life, Look and the Saturday Evening Post. He describes himself as a fast-talking New Yorker, which sometimes earned him a frosty reception on the phone. But in person he was no match for the slow-talking country folks:

"We say hello and that's the last word we get in," he writes about one stop.

Of course, he couldn't find any bumpkins in Washington state, but he did find scenery, and Gladstone writes that the Pacific Northwest "is as beautiful as advertised, and then some." He stopped in Dynamite, north of Spokane, where he followed a rancher on horseback to an old stone storage shed once used by explosives-handling Chinese laborers.

And he went to Stuck, northeast of Tacoma, where scrapyard owner John David Sanderson told him the place was named for partying kids whose cars got stuck in the loose gravel near what was the Stuck River, now a short channel of the White River.

Over nine trips in five years, Gladstone shot 21,000 frames of film, finding his way to Ding Dong, Surprise, Goofy Ridge and Monkey's Eyebrow with 65 pounds of maps and atlases. Plus, he had the pinpoint instruction of locals who treated him like a neighbor:

"Turn left up where the church used to be."

The French War Record
(a little tongue-in-cheek, but mostly accurate!)

Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.

Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman."

Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.

Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots.

Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.

War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.

The Dutch War - Tied.

War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War - Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.

War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.

American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins when America does most of the fighting."

French Revolution - Won, solely due the fact that the opponent was also French.

The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.

The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

World War I - Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.

World War II - Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

War in Indochina - Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu. [The failure of the French also led to the US involvement in Viet Nam.]

Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.

War on Terrorism - France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.

To: Dept. of Homeland Security

Dear Sirs:

I am writing to you for further instructions to what the next step is for me to take in protecting my family from possible attacks by terrorists.

I have my duck taped....now what?

I'm not reporting this first hand.



An elderly woman was behind me getting off the escalator and when a young (20ish) female protester offered her a pamphlet, she politely declined. The young protester put her hand on the old woman's shoulder as a guesture of friendship and, in a very soft voice, said, "Ma'am, don't you care about the children of Iraq?"

The old woman looked up at her and said, "Honey, my first husband died in France during World War II so that you could have the right to stand here and bad mouth your country. And if you touch me again, I'll stick this umbrella up your a$$ and open it."

I'm glad to report that loud applause broke out among the onlookers and the young protester was at a total loss for words.

Since it's Friday, I thought this may help some of us this weekend. Hangover Star (*) Ratings

One Star Hangover (*)

No pain. No real feeling of illness. You're able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 5 sodas and still feel this way. For some reason, you are craving a steak & fries.

Two Star Hangover (**)

No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay, but you have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are chugging is only increasing your rumbling gut, which is still tossing around the fruity pancake from the 3:00 AM Waffle
House excursion. There is some definite havoc being wreaked upon your bowels.

Three Star Hangover (***)

Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the flavored schnapps shots your alcoholic friends dared you to drink. Life would be better right now if you
were home in your bed watching Lucy reruns. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 iced teas and a diet Coke --- yet you haven't peed once.

Four Star Hangover (****)

Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you only shaved one side of your face (for the ladies, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumpercars). Your eyes look like one big red vein, and even your hair hurts. Your sphincter is
in perpetual spasm, and the first of about five sh1ts you take during the day brings water to the eyes of everyone who enters the bathroom.

Five Star Hangover (*****)

You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your
teeth in an attempt to get the remnants of the poop fairy out. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva so your tongue is suffocating you. You don't have the foggiest idea who the **** the
stranger was passed out in your bed this morning. Any attempt to defecate results in a fire hose like discharge of alcohol-scented fluid with a rare 'floater' thrown in. The sole purpose of this
'floater' seems to be to splash the toilet water all over your a$$. Death sounds pretty good about right now.

Some new potential Iraqi towns.

1. Wherz-Myroof
2. Mykamel-Izded
3. O****-Disisbad
4. Waddi-El-Izgowinon
5. Pleez-Ztopdi****
6. Kizz-Yerass-Goodbi
7. Ikantstan-Disnomore
8. Wha-Tafuk-Wazi-Tinkin
9. Myturbin-Izburnin

From my boss (the Yooper)

A cannibal enters a new restaurant for cannibals and looks at the menu. It lists french-fried Frenchmen for $36.14, a broiled Italian for $24.97, and a stewed North American Hillbilly for $57.30. He asks why the hillbilly is so much more expensive. The cook replies: “Have you ever tried to clean a hillbilly?”

I'm too busy to actually authenticate that this was written by the comedic genius John Cleese but it made me laugh regardless...

Axis of Evil Wannabes by John Cleese

Bitter after being snubbed for membership in the "Axis of Evil", Libya, China, and Syria today announced they had formed the "Axis of Just as Evil", which they said would be more evil than that stupid Iran-Iraq-North Korea axis President Bush warned of in his State of the Union address.

Axis of Evil members, however, immediately dismissed the new axis as having, for starters, a really dumb name. "Right, they are Just as Evil; in their dreams!", declared North Korean leader Kim Jong-il. "Everybody knows we're the best evil; best at being evil; we're the best."

Diplomats from Syria denied they were jealous over being excluded, although they conceded they did ask if they could join the Axis of Evil. "They told us it was full," said Syrian President Bashar al-Assad. "An Axis can't have more than three countries," explained Iraqi President Saddam Hussein. "This is not my rule, it's tradition. In World War II you had Germany, Italy and Japan in the evil axis. So you can only have three, and a secret handshake. Ours is wickedly cool."

International reaction to Bush's Axis of Evil declaration was swift, as within minutes, France surrendered. Elsewhere, peer-conscious nations rushed to gain triumvirate status in what became a game of geopolitical chairs.

Cuba, Sudan and Serbia said they had formed the "Axis of Somewhat Evil"; forcing Somalia to join with Uganda and Myanmar in the "Axis of Occasionally Evil", while Bulgaria, Indonesia and Russia established the "Axis of Not So Much Evil Really as Just Generally Disagreeable."

With the criteria suddenly expanded and all the desirable clubs filling up, Sierre Leone, El Salvador and Rwanda applied to be called the "Axis of Countries that aren't the Worst but Certainly Won't be Asked to Host the Olympics."

Canada, Mexico and Australia formed the "Axis of Nations that are actually Quite Nice but Secretly have some Nasty Thoughts about America", while Scotland, New Zealand and Spain established the "Axis of Countries that be Allowed to Ask Sheep to Wear Lipstick." "That's not a threat, really, just something we like to do," said Scottish Executive First Minister Jack McConnell.

While wondering if the other nations of the world weren't perhaps making fun of him, a cautious Bush granted approval for most axis, although he rejected the establishment of the "Axis of Countries Whose Names End in "Guay", accusing one of its members of filing a false application. Officials from Paraguay, Uruguay and Chadguay denied the charges.

Israel, meanwhile, insisted it didn't want to join any Axis, but privately, leaders said that it's only because no one asked them.

You're right about John Clease being a genius. I love Monte Python, Holy Grail is still one of my favorite movies. I do believe he wrote this but I think it was for an old SNL show some time ago (GW 1). So some of the names may have been changed.
Almost as funny as the Ministry of Funny Walks!

Bring us a shrubbery!!!

neek neek neek

Well, I didn't even know who John Cleese was (I've been told I don't have much of sense of humor - maybe the English in me or possibly the German), but I am rather a fanatic about internet research and this is what I found

http://www.satirewire.com/news/jan02/axis.shtml

Apparenlty Mr. Cleese did not write this particular piece of satire, but rather Andrew Marlett (Economy of Errors).

Not so funny Sue:rolleyes:

Ethel is a bit of a demon in her wheelchair and loves to charge around the nursing home taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.

Because the poor woman is one sandwich short of a picnic, the other residents tolerated her and some of the men actually joined in.

One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Crazy Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. "Stop!", he said in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?" Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. "OK" he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted, "Stop! Have you got proof of insurance? Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a beer coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said, "Carry on, ma'am."

As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door, Mad Malcolm stepped out in front of her, stark naked, holding a very sizeable erection in his hand.

"Oh, no" said Ethel, "Not the breathalyzer test again!"

Simple Thoughts

1. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
2. Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
3. I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, "Well, that's not going to happen."
4. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
5. Friday night I ate at a real family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.
6. Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder now days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to.
7. According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman is her eyes, and women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars.
8. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
9. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
10. Have you noticed that a slight tax increase costs you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?
11. In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
12. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
13. There is a theory, which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.
14. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
15. You read about all these terrorists -- most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years. Now, go compare that to Blockbuster: you're two days late with a video and those people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration.

According to today's regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who were kids
in the 40's, 50's, and 60's, probably shouldn't have survived. Our baby
cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paint.

What, you had a crib?

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets, and when
we rode our bikes, we had no helmets.(Not to mention the risks we took
hitchhiking.)


You had a bike also?

As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags. Riding
in the back of a pickup truck on a warm day was always a special treat.


Your Dad had a car.. wow you much have been rich.

We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle. and it was good.
The Horror!

We ate cupcakes, bread and butter, and drank soda pop with sugar in it,
but we were never overweight because we were always outside playing.
Hostess was our friend.



We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle, and no one
actually died from this. That we know of... :-)



We would spend hours building our go-carts out of old skates and found wood out of scraps and then rode down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. We did the Fred Flintstone Stop .. without PF Flyers.

After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the
problem.

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were
back when the street lights came on. That was standard.

No one was able to reach us all day. No cell phones. Unthinkable!
We did not have Playstations, Nintendo 64, X-Boxes, no video games at all,
no 99 channels on cable, video tape movies, surround sound, personal cell
phones, personal computers, or Internet chat rooms. We had friends!
We went outside and found them.

We played dodge ball, and sometimes, the ball would really hurt. We fell
out of trees, got cut and broke bones and teeth, and there were no
lawsuits from these accidents. They were accidents. No one was to blame but us.
Remember accidents?

We had fights and punched each other and got black and blue and learned to
get over it.

We made up games with sticks and tennis balls and ate worms, and although
we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes,
nor did the worms live inside us forever.

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's home and knocked on the door, or rang the bell
or just walked in and talked to them.

Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't
had to learn to deal with disappointment. What a concept.



Some students weren't as smart as others, so they failed a grade and were
held back to repeat the same grade. Horrors! Tests were not adjusted for any reason.
Pass on merit... what a concept.


Our actions were our own. Consequences were expected, no one to hide
behind. The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke a law was unheard
of. They actually sided with the law. Imagine that!

This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers and problem
solvers and inventors, ever. The past 50 years have been an explosion of
innovation and new ideas. We had freedom, failure,
success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all.

And if you were a kid growing up in the 40's, 50's, and 60's,
you're one of them. Congratulations! We made it!

Please pass this on to others who have had the luck to grow up as kids,
before government regulated our lives, for our own good!

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

GEORGE W. BUSH

We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or it is against us. There is no middle ground here.

AL GORE

I invented the chicken. I invented the road. Therefore, the chicken crossing the road represented the application of these two different functions of government in a new, reinvented way designed to bring greater services to the American people.


BILL CLINTON

I did not cross the road with ! THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken, please?


RALPH NADER

The chicken's habitat on the original side of the road had been polluted by unchecked industrialist greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled habitat on the other side of the road because it was crushed by the wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV!


PAT BUCHANAN

To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.


RUSH LIMBAUGH

I don't know why the chicken crossed the road, but I'll bet it was getting a government grant to cross the road, and I'll bet someone out there is already forming a support group to help chickens with crossing-the-road syndrome.

Can you believe this? How much more of this can real Americans take? Chickens crossing the road paid for by their tax dollars, and when I say tax dollars, I'm talking about your money, money the government took from you to build roads for chickens ! to cross.


MARTHA STEWART

No one called to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the farmer's market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.


JERRY FALWELL

Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face?! The chicken was going to the "other side." That's what they call it - the other side. Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side."


DR. SEUSS

Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes,
The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I've not been told!


ERNEST HEMINGWAY

To die. In the rain! . Alone.


MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.

I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.


GRANDPA

In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.


JOHN LENNON

Imagine all the chickens crossing roads in peace.


ARISTOTLE

It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.


KARL MARX

It was a historical inevitability.


SADDAM HUSSEIN

This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.


VOLTAIRE

I may not agree with what the chicken did, but I will defend to the death its right to do it.


RONALD REAGAN

What chicken?


CAPTAIN KIRK

To boldly go where no chicken has gone before!


SIGMUND FREUD

The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.


BILL GATES

I have just released eChicken 2003, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook -- and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.


ALBERT EINSTEIN

Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?


JOHNNY COCHRAN

It was because the road was black and the chicken was white. We must acquit.


THE BIBLE

And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.


COLONEL SANDERS

I missed one?

The Irish have joined in the war.

A huge convoy of trucks has set off from Dublin for the long drive
eastwards.

Half of them are loaded with sand and half with cement.

Sources say a massive mortar attack is planned

Ministry of Misinformation.

(Not a political attack, just a joke :D

These questions about Australia were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and obviously the answers came from a fellow Aussie.

1. Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

2. Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking

3. Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water...

4. Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So its true what they say about Swedes.

5. Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed porpoise. (Italy)
A: Let's not touch this one.

6. Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

7. Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the pacific which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

8. Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

9. Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

10. Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

11. Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
A: No, WE don't stink.

12. Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

13. Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?

14. Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

15. Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.

16. Q: Are there killer bees in Australia? (Germany)
A: Not yet, but for you, we'll import them.

17. Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter gatherers. Milk is illegal.

18. Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense
rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

19. Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I
forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

20. Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

21. Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

In school one day the teacher decided in science class she would teach about materials. So she stood in the front of the class and said, "Children, if you could have one raw material in the world what would it be?"

Little Richie raised his hand and said "I would want gold, because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Porsche."

The teacher nodded and called on little Susie Marie. Little Susie said "I would want platinum because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Corvette."

The teacher smiled and then called on Little Donnie (Little Johnny's cousin) Little Donnie stood up and said, "I would want silicone." The teacher said, "Why Donnie?" He responded by saying, "Because my mom has two bags of it and you should see all the sports cars outside our house!!"

There are several paper bags on the teacher's desk as she starts class, each obviously holding some sort of secret.

Teacher: Today, class we are going to learn about deductive reasoning.

She holds up the first bag.

Teacher: What is in the bag is round and orange. Can anyone guess what it is?

Little Sally: Teacher, Teacher, it's an orange!

Teacher: No, Sally, it's a Tangerine, but I like the way you're thinking.

Teacher holds up the next bag.

Teacher: What I have here is long and yellow. What do you think it is?

Little Susie: Teacher, Teacher, it's a banana!!

Teacher: No, it's a squash, but I like the way you're thinking.

Here comes the third bag.

Teacher: What I have here is round and red. What is it?

Little Mary: Teacher, Teacher, it's an apple!!

Teacher: No, Mary, its a nice, ripe, peach,but I like the way you're thinking.

About this time, up stands little Johnnie (Donnie's cousin).

Johnnie: Teacher, can I do one?

Teacher: Oh, OK.

Johnnis digs his hand deep into his pocket.

Johnnie:What I have here is round and has a head on it. What is it?

Teacher: It's a trip to the office!! Go!!

Johnnie: Aww, Teacher, it's just a coin, but I like the way you're thinking!!!

The Good Wife

A husband should always be able to count on his wife!

There was a man who had worked all of his life and
had saved everything he made ...
and was he really tight when it came to his money.
He loved money more than just about anything, and
just before he died, he said to his wife, "Now listen.
When I die, I want you to take all my
money and put it in the casket with me. I want to
take my money to the afterlife with me".
And so he got his wife to promise him with all of
her heart that when he died, she would put all of the
money in the casket with him.

Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket,
his wife was sitting there in black,
and her dearest friend was sitting next to her
When they finished the ceremony, just before the
undertakers got ready to close the casket,
the wife said, "Wait a minute!" She had a box with
her, she came over with the box and put
it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the
casket down, and they rolled it away.

So her friend said "Girl, I know you weren't fool
enough to put all that money there with your husband."

"Listen, I'm a GOOD WOMAN, I can't go back on my
word. I promised him with all my heart that I
was gonna put that money in that casket with him".

"You mean to tell me you really put that money in
the casket with him?!?!?!?!.

"I sure did," said the wife. "I wrote him a check".

Never Underestimate the Intelligence of a Woman!
:vfunny: :vfunny: :vfunny:

SteelMaiden said:


Never Underestimate the Intelligence of a Woman!
:vfunny: :vfunny: :vfunny:


Nor, their scheming underhanded nature! :vfunny: :vfunny: :vfunny:

Subject: Leno, Letterman & Co. on the war.

"U.N. Secretary General Kofi Annan said he thinks the arms inspectors should resume looking for weapons in Iraq. Hey, forget arms in Iraq, how about looking for some backbone in the U.N.?" -Jay Leno

"We have defeated Saddam Hussein and Iraq. The good news is Iraq is ours, and the bad news is Iraq is ours." -David Letterman

"Did you see the Iraqi people tear down that statue of Saddam? Hard to believe he won 100 percent of the vote in the last election. Voters are so fickle aren't they? One day they love you, the next day, oh boy."
-Jay Leno

"Al-Jazeera is claiming we shot two of their reporters on purpose. Oh, shut up. If we were shooting journalists on purpose, you think Peter Arnett and Geraldo would still be around?" -Jay Leno

"Did you see the looters on TV? You'll notice there's something
universal about the human looting impulse; it's the same all over the world - they go for the couches and the television sets first. And that's the first step toward winning their hearts and minds. You give a man a couch to sit in and a TV to watch, and he'll be indoctrinated in the American way of life. Throw in a case of beer, you've got Homer Simpson." -Jay Leno

"There are reports that Saddam has been spotted in central Baghdad. Parts of him were also spotted in northern Baghdad, eastern Baghdad and western Baghdad." -Jay Leno

"We have an important decision to make now about who controls Iraq. You know, that's a critical question, because it's who we're going to be fighting in five to ten years." -Jay Leno

"And now the really difficult part: We have to rebuild Iraq into a
strong and independent nation that will one day hate the United
States." -David Letterman

"Iraqi's minister of information did not show up for his press
conference today. ... However, he claims he was there and he said it went very well."
-David Letterman

"Did you see the statue topple? Bill Clinton got nostalgic seeing
something that big in a beret go down." -Craig Kilborn

"The military said we'll be able to confirm Saddam is dead with DNA testing. Apparently we have a sample of his DNA. So Monica Lewinsky is working for the CIA?" -Jay Leno

"Tonight again, Baghdad is without power and this has the Iraqi military very worried. They say without TV and phone service, how are they going to get the enemy position from Geraldo?" -Bill Maher

"Here's what I did this morning. I get out of my bed and I do my Iraqi elite Republican Guard exercises. Here's what you do: you put your hands over your head and keep them there." -David Letterman

"It's been reported that the Pentagon is trying to kick Geraldo Rivera out of Iraq because he revealed sensitive military information. Yeah, if Geraldo is kicked out this means that Saddam Hussein will once again be the most hated man in Iraq." -Conan O'Brien

"John Kerry is recovering nicely after having prostate surgery. But the doctors did tell him it would several months before he could be sexually active again. All the other Democratic candidates have been very supportive. Joe Lieberman called to wish him the best. The Rev. Al Sharpton called to offer prayers. Former President Bill Clinton called Mrs. Kerry and asked if she was lonely." -Jay Leno

"If Lieberman wins, he won't be the first Jewish-American to hold the presidency in his hands. That was Monica Lewinksy." -Jay Leno

Happy Easter....

A curious fellow died one day and found himself waiting in the long line of judgment. As he stood there he noticed that some souls were allowed to march right through the pearly gates into Heaven. Others though, were led over to Satan who threw them into the burning pit. But every so often, instead of hurling a poor soul into the fire, Satan would toss a soul off to one side into a small pile. After watching Satan do this several times, the fellow's curiosity got the best of him. So he strolled over and asked Satan what he was doing.
"Excuse me, Prince of Darkness," he said. "I'm waiting in line for judgment, but I couldn't help wondering, why are you tossing those people aside instead of flinging them into the Fires of **** with the others?"
"Ah, those . . ." Satan said with a groan. "They're all from Michigan. They're still too cold and wet to burn."

CNN News Bulletin ..............


This morning, from a secret cave somewhere in Pakistan, Taliban Minister of migration, Mohammed Omar, warned the United States that if military action against Iraq continues, Taliban authorities will cut off America's supply of convenience store managers.
:biglaugh: :vfunny: :thedeal: :smokin:

Ok... Time for a real life joke:

We got a call from the U.S. yesterday... Someone asked what we had done about the sample he had sent us two weeks ago. We had no idea what he was on about...

Well, it arrived today. Sent via UPS, marked express delivery as well as extremely urgent and carefully addressed to Switzerland...

The only problem is that this is Sweden :biglaugh: Possibly a natural mistake unless you consider the fact that the sender works for a company in our group. :vfunny:

/Claes

A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at
the animals on display.

While he was there, another customer walked in and said to the shopkeeper, "I'll have an Technical Monkey please"

The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage at the side of the shop and took out a monkey. He fitted a collar and leash, handed it to the customer, saying, "That'll be $5000"

The customer paid and walked out with his monkey.

Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a Very expensive monkey. Most of them are only few hundred dollars. Why did that one cost so much?"

The Shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that monkey is a technician and can really get the job done. It can draw with CAD, build parts and assemblies, set up and run testing procedures - very fast, very dependable, well worth the money."

The tourist looked at a monkey in the same cage. "That one's even more expensive! $10,000! What does it do?"

"Oh, that one's a Designer Monkey; it can design systems and layout projects with 3D CAD Modeling, mark-up drawings, and some even calculate and FEA. All the really useful stuff," said the shopkeeper.

The tourist then saw monkey in a separate cage. "What about this one at $15,000! What does it do?"

"Well, that one's a Engineer Monkey; it can provide critical customer and manufacturing information, write specifications, evaluate test data, and fill out piles of documentation. Some coordinate all sorts of project issues, " the shopkeeper went on, "part of a complete package".

The tourist looked up and noticed a chained monkey pacing back and forth on top of the cages. The price tag around its neck read $50,000.

He gasped to the shopkeeper, "That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does it do?"

The shopkeeper replied, "We're not really sure what a Program Manager does, but it grunts alot, eats most of the bananas and the others clean up after it."

How true, how true!!!! They also have the Fox, Palace, Joe Louis, Ford Field and Comerica tickets. I guess in cases (i.e. comerica) it would be a torture!!!
:vfunny: :biglaugh: :thedeal: :smokin:

I'm sure that I have seen all of these before but they still make me laugh


More from George Carlin...

1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

6. Why do "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

7. Why do "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?

8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?

9. Why do we sing " Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?

10. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?

11. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?

12. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?

13. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?

14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?

15. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?

16. If work if so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?

17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read alright?

20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?

21. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?

22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?

23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?

24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

25. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

26. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?

27. Christmas is so weird. What other time of year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?

The following ad was in the Atlanta journal

SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant.
I'm a very good-looking girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods,
riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping, and fishing trips, cozy
winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating
out of your hand. Rub me the right way and watch me respond.
I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what
nature gave me. Kiss me and I'm yours. Call xxx-xxxx and ask for Daisy.

Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the local Humane Society about an 8-week-old Labrador Retriever.

Brits don't have a sense of humor? Wrong... They have a sense of humor, albeit a cruel one. Here's the evidence. I have never seen anything like it, and hope that I never find myself in it... :eek: :vfunny: :biglaugh:

/Claes

Jim Wade said:

Ah, you miss the point, Claes.
---X---
Just kidding - the Magic Roundabout (just a few miles west of where I sit at this moment) is, it has to be admitted, simply weird!!

rgds Jim

You're absolutley right. I do miss the point, and if I ever find myself in that thing I hope you'll point me in the right direction...:vfunny: :confused:

...and if any of you think it couldn't get any worse: Just imagine the effect of a light snowfall on that contraption... hiding all the markings... Oh, dear... Does it have an emergency exit or something?

/Claes

Jim Wade said:

Good point, Claes.

But you have to understand that we Brits believe that snow belongs in its place (defined broadly as Gstaad, Saas-Fee, Aspen and St Moritz for social purposes, and the polar regions for sport).

And I agree... I certainly don't want the stuff. Every autumn I tell people that this place is not fit for humans to live in (Brrrr).

Jim Wade said:
When it falls on our little island it is always a surprise and always causes more chaos than you would think possible.

Au contraire. I think I can... I once came to Paris when the temperature had dropped below the freezing point.. Chaos doesn't even begin to describe the situation... :vfunny:

Jim Wade said:
But - and this is crucial - we have a national strategy not to prepare for the next snowfall because it simply shouldn't be happening!.

Hmmmm... That sounds vaugely familiar... Management by doing nothing?

/Claes

Is that where YES got the idea for their song Roundabout from? And I thought Outter Drive here in Detroit was bad!:biglaugh:

History Lesson: Cannon Balls

In the heyday of sailing ships, all war ships and many freighters carried iron cannons. Those cannon fired round iron cannon balls. It was necessary to keep a good supply near the cannon. But how to prevent them from rolling about the deck?

The best storage method devised was a square based pyramid with one ball on top, resting on four, resting on nine, which rested on sixteen. Thus, a supply of 30 cannon balls could be stacked in a small area right next to the cannon.

There was only one problem -- how to prevent the bottom layer from sliding/rolling from under the others. The solution was a metal plate called a "Monkey" with 16 round indentations. But if this plate was made of iron, the iron balls would quickly rust to it. The solution to the rusting problem was to make "Brass Monkeys."

Few landlubbers realize that brass contracts much more and much faster than iron when chilled. Consequently, when the temperature dropped too far, the brass indentations would shrink so much that the iron cannon balls would come right off the monkey.

Thus, it was quite literally, "Cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey!" (And all this time, you thought that was an improper expression, didn't you?)
:biglaugh: :smokin:

As the US edges (inch by inch) towards the metric system, these international standard definitions might be useful:

- Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter: Eskimo Pi

- 2000 pounds of Chinese soup: Won ton

- Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement: 1 bananosecond

- Weight an evangelist carries with God: 1 billigram

- Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour: Knot-furlong

- 365 days of drinking low-calorie beer: 1 lite year

- 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone: 1 Rod Serling

- Half of a large intestine: 1 semicolon

- 1000 aches: 1 kilohurtz

- Basic unit of laryngitis: 1 hoarsepower

- Shortest distance between two jokes: A straight line.

- 453.6 graham crackers: 1 pound cake

- 1 million microphones: 1 megaphone

- 1 million bicycles: 2 megacycles

- 2000 mockingbirds: two kilomockingbirds (work on it....)

- 10 cards: 1 decacards

- 1000 cubic centimeters of wet socks: 1 literhosen

- 1 millionth of a fish: 1 microfiche

- 10 rations: 1 decoration

- 100 rations: 1 C-ration

- 2 monograms: 1 diagram

- 8 nickels: 2 paradigms

- Twenty miles of intravenous tubing at Yale University Hospital: One I.V. League

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of Tampax and proceeded to the check-out counter.
The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"

"Eight," the boy replied.

The man continued, "Do you know how these are used?"

The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They are for my brother, he's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. He can't do either one."

Jim Wade said:

You will all know H. Ross Perot's quote "If you see a snake, just kill it - don't appoint a committee on snakes"

But you may not know that BSI have developed a standard for doing the job properly. Details follow...

rgds Jim

ISO, BSI, ASTM, SAE - what's the difference?

Standards are fun!

Claes Gefvenberg said:

Brits don't have a sense of humor? Wrong... They have a sense of humor, albeit a cruel one. Here's the evidence. I have never seen anything like it, and hope that I never find myself in it... :eek: :vfunny: :biglaugh:

/Claes

I haven't visited this thread in a LONG time, but stopped by and saw this and about did my pants. I lived and went to school in England in the mid 1960's. The first of the 'M' highways was open and at that time one could visit Stone Henge and actually drive up to the stones and climb on them and such. No fences. No nothing. Long time ago. The round-a-bouts were a real learning experience... Especially for my father, bless his soul. We had a VW 'square back sedan' made for the US which we brought back on the SS France (now the Norway?) with us. The guy (popa) was a madman driver (whose traits I've inherited) - although a loveable one - and really made the best of 'round-a-bouts'.

Will the swim suit still fit? One way to check.

Two boys from the mountains, Leroy and Jasper have been promoted from privates to sergeants. Not long after, they're out for a walk and Leroy says, "Hey, Jasper, there's the NCO Club. Let's you and me stop in." "But we's privates," protests Jasper. "We's sergeants now," says Leroy, pulling him inside.

"Now, Jasper, I'm a-gonna sit down and have me a drink." "But we's privates," says Jasper. "You blind, boy?" asks Leroy, pointing at his stripes. "We's sergeants now."

So they have their drink, and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Leroy. "You're cute," she says, "and I'd like to date you, but I've got a bad case of gonorrhea." Leroy pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Jasper, go look in the dictionary and see what gonorrhea means. If it's okay, give me the okay sign."

So Jasper goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Leroy the big okay sign.

Three weeks later Leroy is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea. "Jasper," he says, "what fo' you give me the okay?" "Well, Leroy, in the dictionary, it say gonorrhea affects the privates." He points to his stripes. "But we's sergeants now!"

Richard, wait until you hear of their up-coming e-toilet paper!

You have it all wrong.
You have to access your "Control Panel" first. Use the "Add Dispenser" option to select what type of toilet paper dispenser is available. You MUST determine if the dispenser is continuous feed or perforated and if paper is to be fed "in front" or "in back" of the roll. If the yellow light is flashing above the toilet it means that the dispenser is currently empty. You will need to complete the Help Desk Form found by left clicking the :ca: wipe icon on the desktop. If the light is flashing and the dispenser is not empty you will need to "re-set" the computer by pressing the CTRL-ALT-FLUSH key.
I gotta stop.


:biglaugh: :vfunny:

Richard Olson said:

Do we really need to be this connected?


Come on Rich, we're connected already... After all, where do we put our user ports when we go to the loo? :ko:

/Claes :biglaugh:

Richard Olson said:

Do we really need to be this connected?

http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&u=/ap/20030507/ap_on_hi_te/internet_toilet_2

I have all I can do wiping the seat off before using it. Can you imagine the bacteria on the keys? I think it's a sh1tty idea.:bonk: :smokin:

You've got to be kidding.

I take it it's not an actually laptop? Marc loves to use the term PEE CEE. He may have been ahead of his time!

This is from Fox news. It kinda relates:

LONDON — Give an infinite number of monkeys an infinite number of typewriters, the theory goes, and they will eventually produce the works of Shakespeare.

Give six monkeys one computer for a month, and they will produce a mess.

Researchers at Plymouth University (search) in England reported this week that primates left alone with a computer attacked the machine and failed to produce a single word.

"They pressed a lot of S's," researcher Mike Phillips said Friday. "Obviously, English isn't their first language."

A group of faculty and students in the university's media program left a computer in the monkey enclosure at Paignton Zoo in southwest England, home to six Sulawesi crested macaques (search). Then, they waited.

At first, said Phillips, "the lead male got a stone and started bashing the **** out of it.

"Another thing they were interested in was in defecating and urinating all over the keyboard," added Phillips, who runs the university's Institute of Digital Arts and Technologies.

Eventually, monkeys Elmo, Gum, Heather, Holly, Mistletoe and Rowan produced five pages of text, composed primarily of the letter S. Later, the letters A, J, L and M crept in — not quite literature.

Phillips said the project — funded by England's Arts Council rather than by scientific bodies — was intended more as performance art than scientific experiment.

The notion that monkeys typing at random will eventually produce literature is often attributed to Thomas Huxley (search), a 19th-century scientist who supported Charles Darwin's theories of evolution. Mathematicians have also used it to illustrate concepts of chance.

The Plymouth experiment was part of the Vivaria Project (search), which plans to install computers in zoos across Europe to study differences between animal and artificial life.

Phillips said the experiment showed that monkeys "are not random generators. They're more complex than that.

"They were quite interested in the screen, and they saw that when they typed a letter, something happened. There was a level of intention there."


Taken from: http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,86454,00.html

I wonder how much this study costs?

Manual for the e-loo discussed earlier...

/Claes

Db,

Here is my answer to your post that I submitted to another forum:

"Sooner or later monkeys will write shakespere, and a few years later U.S. schools will enact a program to teach students how to read it!!"

Mr. Cynical
----------------------------------------------------------------


Claes,

We need to discuss "supplementary data" and "users interface":smokin:

No wonder we spend so much time in the head!

Al...:bigwave:

Yes... Right...

Ok, Supplimentary data is of course optional and subject to frequent changes and upgrades. :p

The users interface is obviously the more important of the two, due to the fact that any cracks in it are liable to prove both painful :eek: and rather embarrasing. :o There is also the temperature range to consider: A chilly bog seat is not a favourite among the users and may thus affect the input in a negative way.

/Claes

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100% We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100% How about achieving 103%? Here's a little math that might help prove helpful.

If......

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Were represented as.....

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21
22 23 24 25 26


Then......

H A R D W O R K
8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11= 98%

K N O W L E D G E
11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5= 96%

and worse.....


E D U C A T I O N
5 4 21 3 1 20 9 15 14= 92%


but....

A T T I T U D E
1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5= 100%

and.....

B U * * S H 1 T
2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20= 103%

So, it stands to reason that hard work and knowledge will get you close, attitude will get you there but bu**sh1t will put you over the top. And look how far a**kissing will take you

A * * K I S S I N G
1 19 19 11 9 19 19 9 14 7= 118%


This just goes to show you that no matter how much knowledge you have, or how much hard work you do. There will always be that bu******t1ng, a**kissing jerk with an attitude that will succeed over you.

This happened last summer and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's absolutely true!

This guy was on the side of the road hitchhiking near the rez. It was a very dark night and in the middle of a storm. The night was passing and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.

Suddenly, he saw a car coming towards him and stopped. The guy, without thinking about it, got in the car and closed the door and then realized that there's nobody behind the wheel!

The car starts very slowly. The guy looks at the road and sees a curve coming his way. Scared, he starts to pray, begging for his life. He hasn't come out of shock when, just before the car hits the curve, a hand appears thru the window and moves the wheel. The guy, paralyzed in terror, watched how the hand appears every time they are approaching a curve.

The guy, gathering strength, gets out of the car and runs all the way to the nearest town. Wet and in shock he goes into a bar, asks for two shots of whiskey, and starts telling everybody about the horrible experience he just went through. A silence enveloped when everybody realized the guy was crying and wasn't drunk.

About half an hour later two Native Americans walk in the same bar and one says to the other, "Look, that's the asshole that got in the car while we were pushing it!"

Jim, thanks for my daily chuckle!! the funny ones are the ones that are true.

Al...

Subject: Consultants

A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of the dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Broni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the shepherd,..........

"If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"

The shepherd looked at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looked at his peacefully-grazing flock and calmly
answered, "Sure."

The yuppie parked his car, whipped out his IBM Thinkpad and connected it to a cell phone, then he surfed to a NASA page on the internet where he called up a GPS satellite navigation system, scanned the area, and then opened up a database and an Excel
spreadsheet with complex formulas. He sent an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, received a response. Finally, he prints out a 150 page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized printer then turns to the shepherd and says,.........

"You have exactly 1586 sheep".

"That is correct; take one of the sheep" said the shepherd.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and bundle it into his car.

Then the shepherd says: "If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?"

"OK, why not" answered the young man.

"Clearly, you are a consultant" said the shepherd.

"That's correct" says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required" answers the shepherd. "You turned up here although nobody called you. You want to
get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked, and you don't know crap about my
business. Now give me back my dog".

Q. What did one saggy bo0b say to the other saggy bo0b?

A. If we don't get some support around here soon, people are going to think we're a couple of nuts!!!!!:biglaugh:

Originally posted by ISO GUY
Subject: Consultants

A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of the dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Broni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the shepherd,..........



ISOGUY,

I loved it. I immediately sent it to all of the consultants we have on site wasting oxygen.

Greg B

Subject: Some Good Advice


It is important for men to remember that as women grow older it
becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping they did when they were younger. When men notice this, they should try not to become upset and yell. Expressing patience is clearly the superior option.

Let me relate how I handle the situation.

When I chucked my job and took early retirement a year ago, it
became necessary for Nancy to get a full-time job both for extra income and for health insurance benefits that we need. She was a trained lab tech when we met thirty some years ago and was fortunate to land a job at the local medical center.

It was shortly after she started working at this job that I noticed
that she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from fishing or hunting about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says that she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts supper. I try not to yell at her when this happens.

Instead, I tell her to take her time. I understand that she is not
as young as she used to be. I just tell her to wake me when she finally does get supper on the table. She use to wash and dry the dishes as soon as we finished eating. It is now not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after supper. I do what I can by reminding her several times each evening that the dishes aren't cleaning themselves. I know she appreciates this, as it does seem to help her get them done before she goes to bed.

Our washer and dryer are in the basement. When she was younger, Nancy used to be able to go up and down the stairs all day and not get tired. Now that she is older she seems to get tired so much more quickly. Sometimes she says she just can't make another trip down those steps. I don't make a big issue of this. As long as she finishes up the laundry the next evening I am willing to overlook it.

Not only that, but unless I need something ironed to wear to the
Monday's meeting or to Wednesday's or Saturday's poker club or to Tuesday's or Thursday's trips to the sporting goods store or something like that, I will tell her to wait until the next evening to do the ironing. This gives her a little more time to do some of those odds and ends things like shampooing the dog, vacuuming,
or dusting.

Also, if I have had a really good day fishing, this allows her to
gut and scale the fish at a more leisurely pace.

Nancy is starting to complain a little occasionally. Not often,
mind you, but just enough for me to notice. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. In spite of her complaining, I continue to try to offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any, if you know what I mean.

When doing simple jobs she seems to think she needs more rest
periods than she used to have to take. A couple of weeks ago she said she had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I overlook comments like these because I realize it's just age talking. In fact, I try to not embarrass her when she needs these little extra rest breaks.

I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. I tell her that as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me and take her break by the hammock so she can talk with me until I fall asleep.

I could go on and on, but I think you know where I'm coming from. I
know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Nancy on a daily basis. I'm not saying that the ability to show this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible. No one knows better than I do how frustrating women can become as they get older. My purpose in writing this is simply to suggest that you make the effort.

I realize that achieving the exemplary level of showing consideration I have attained is out of reach for the average man. However guys, even if you just yell at your wife a little less often because of this article, I will consider that writing it was worthwhile.

Note: This article was found next to the author's body. The cause
of death is still under investigation......

TOP FORTY THINGS YOU WILL NEVER HEAR A SOUTHERN BOY SAY:

40. Oh I just couldn't, she's only sixteen.
39. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
38. Duct tape won't fix that.
37. Honey, I think we should sell the pickup and buy a family sedan.
36. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
35. We don't keep firearms in this house.
34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
33. You can't feed that to the dog.
32. I thought Graceland was tacky.
31. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.
30. Wrestling's fake.
29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
28. We're vegetarians.
27. Do you think my gut is too big?
26. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
25. Honey, we don't need another dog.
24. Who gives a **** who won the Civil War?
23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
22. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
21. Spittin is such a nasty habit.
20. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
19. Trim the fat off that steak.
18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
17. The tires on that truck are too big.
16. I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
15. I've got it all on the C: drive.
14. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
13. Would you like your fish poached or broiled?
12. My fiancée, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
11. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
9. Checkmate.
8. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.
7. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
6. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
5. I don't have a favorite college team.
4. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
3. You All.
2. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
And, Number ONE is:

1. Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin tonight. :biglaugh:

This is awesome!
Read the following before opening the website.

New Honda commercial in the UK.

There are no computer graphics or digital tricks in the film.
Everything you see really happened in real time exactly as you see it. The film took 606 takes. On the first 605 takes, something, usually very minor, didn't work. They would then have to set the whole thing up again. The crew spent weeks shooting night and day. By the time it was over, they were ready to change professions.

The film cost six million dollars (holy moly!) and took three months to complete including a full engineering of the sequence. In addition, it's two minutes long so every time Honda airs the film on British television, they're shelling out enough dough to keep any one of us in clover for a lifetime. However, it is fast becoming the most downloaded advertisement in Internet history. Honda executives figure the ad will soon pay for itself simply in "free" viewings (Honda isn't paying a dime to have you watch this commercial!). When the ad was pitched to senior executives, they signed off on it immediately without any hesitation -- including the costs.

There are six and only six hand-made Accords in the world. To
the horror of Honda engineers, the film makers disassembled two of them to make the film. Everything you see in the film (aside from the walls, floor, ramp, and complete Honda Accord) are parts from those two cars.

The voice over is Garrison Keillor. When the ad was shown to Honda executives, they liked it and commented on how amazing computer graphics have gotten. They fell off their chairs when they found out it was for real. Oh. And about those funky windshield wipers. On the new Accords, the windshield wipers have water sensors and are designed to start doing their thing automatically as soon as they become wet. It looks a bit weird in the commercial.

http://home.attbi.com/~bernhard36/honda-ad.html

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him.

The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As all men will.) Before she could offer her apologies for so rudely staring, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00......on one condition." (There are always conditions)

Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was.

The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words." _

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand alongwith her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly, and meaningfully said....


"Clean my house."

Originally posted by Randy Stewart
This is awesome!
Read the following before opening the website.

New Honda commercial in the UK.

There are no computer graphics or digital tricks in the film.
Everything you see really happened in real time exactly as you see it. The film took 606 takes. On the first 605 takes, something, usually very minor, didn't work. They would then have to set the whole thing up again. The crew spent weeks shooting night and day. By the time it was over, they were ready to change professions.

The film cost six million dollars (holy moly!) and took three months to complete including a full engineering of the sequence. In addition, it's two minutes long so every time Honda airs the film on British television, they're shelling out enough dough to keep any one of us in clover for a lifetime. However, it is fast becoming the most downloaded advertisement in Internet history. Honda executives figure the ad will soon pay for itself simply in "free" viewings (Honda isn't paying a dime to have you watch this commercial!). When the ad was pitched to senior executives, they signed off on it immediately without any hesitation -- including the costs.

There are six and only six hand-made Accords in the world. To
the horror of Honda engineers, the film makers disassembled two of them to make the film. Everything you see in the film (aside from the walls, floor, ramp, and complete Honda Accord) are parts from those two cars.

Thanks Randy, the ad has been showing here for a few weeks now - I'll be able to impress people in the local watering hole with my newly acquired knowledge!

Sure beats the c**p out of knocking piles of dominoes over!

:vfunny:

I hate spelling errors!
As many of you know, I have a problem with spelling. Never got the hang of it. Well this morning I made a classic!
We had a Q1 review yesterday with one of our buyers and they requested some backup info on our Steering Committee Meetings.
I sent the file email and noted that I hoped that the missing file hadn't caused any inconvenience.
I always spell check my docs and messages before I send them. On this word I have a bad habit of adding an "i" after the "v" so it came up that it was missed spelled as usual. I quickly looked at the screen and hit change and send. Then it registered how the message read! "I hope it has not caused any INCONTINENCE!
Our company president called me and said he didn't think the missing file would, but laughing at the message may result in a problem!
:o :biglaugh:

A Freudian typo if I ever saw one. Too funny. I was never one to pass up a chance to kick someone when they are down. I think that you find that it is misspelled as opposed to missed spelled.:)

Well, Randy, I think that one is probably about a toss up with the written summary on customer complaints that was handed out by one of the guys in the quality steering committee meeting. He stated "Cannot complete investigation until I get testes back"

I tried really hard to just ignore it, but the other 12 members (all men) just couldn't let it go.

Hey Neil, Says Who???? Webster? It made it through my spell check!:vfunny: As Steven Wright asks "If Webster misspelled a word how would we know?"

You know, you get all these letters after your name, (CQE, BS, AS, CQM, etc.) and of course they don't spell anything, and you start to think you may have something going on. All it takes is 1 little letter out of place and you're brought back to reality!!:o :biglaugh: You have to love it!

Originally posted by SteelMaiden
Well, Randy, I think that one is probably about a toss up with the written summary on customer complaints that was handed out by one of the guys in the quality steering committee meeting. He stated "Cannot complete investigation until I get testes back"

I tried really hard to just ignore it, but the other 12 members (all men) just couldn't let it go.

Steel I made an error like that in one of my audit reports, it stated that I reviewed the testes and found no problems. My boss called and wanted to know what the heck i was doing during the audits. :biglaugh:

So you think you know everything? Not until you have read this:
___________________________________________________

A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.

A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.

A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.

A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.

A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.

A group of geese on the ground is a gaggle; a group of geese in the air is a skein.

A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.

A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.

A snail can sleep for three years.

Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.

All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.

All of the clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction" are stuck on 4:20."

Almonds are a member of the peach family.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.

Butterflies taste with their feet.

Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds. Dogs only have about 10.

Did you know that crocodiles never outgrow the pool in which they live?

"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".

February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.

In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.

In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.

If the population of China walked past you, in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.

If you are an average American, in your whole life, you will spend an average of 6 months waiting at red lights.

In most advertisements, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10.

It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.

Los Angeles' full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula"

Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.

Fred Rogers of "Mr. Rogers Neighborhood" TV show was an ordained minister.

No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.

On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag.

Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.

Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.

Pinocchio is Italian for "pine eye."

Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.

Shakespeare invented the words 'assassination' and 'bump.'

"Stewardesses" is the longest word typed with only the left hand; lollipop" with your right.

The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.

The average typist's left hand does 56% of the typing.

The Bible does not say there were three wise men; it only says there were three gifts.

The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "It's a Wonderful Life."

The cruise liner, QE2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.

The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.

The longest one-syllable word in the English language is screeched.

The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.

The only 15-letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is "uncopyrightable".

The sentence: "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter of the alphabet.

The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid.

The words 'racecar,' 'kayak' and 'level' are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left (palindromes).

There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.

There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.

There are more chickens than people in the world.

There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous" : tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.

There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: "abstemious" and "facetious."

There is a word in the English language with only one vowel, which occurs five times: "indivisibility."

There's no Betty Rubble in the Flintstones Chewables Vitamins.

Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.

Two-thirds of the world's eggplants are grown in New Jersey.

TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.

Winston Churchill was born in a ladies room during a dance.

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks; otherwise it will digest itself.

Now maybe you know everything!

:bonk: :bigwave:

Bill

A podiatrist was having a hard time dealing with his patient’s parents. His obstetrician commented that she uses humor and jokes to relax her mothers as they deliver their babies. The podiatrist asked for a few jokes and the obstetrician obliged. A few days later, the podiatrist complained that the jokes didn’t help. He asked if he could observe the way the obstetrician told the joke. She commented she was on her way to a birthing at that moment, and he could join her. He took careful notes as she told amusing story after story, to which the birthing mother responded. The podiatrist could not wait to use this new information. The next day the obstetrician visited the podiatrist, who was clearly dismayed. The joke telling technique didn’t yield the results he was looking for. He asked the obstetrician to observe him in action and give him pointers, to which she agreed. She followed him in a room with a child and parent. The podiatrist tried an amusing story, but the parent just commented that her time was being wasted. After they left the room, the podiatrist asked why the jokes worked with the obstetrician in the deliver room, but not with him in the examination room. The podiatrist patiently answered that telling a good joke is “all in the delivery”.

Thought some of the "oldies" might appreciate this one!

You know when you are living in 2003 when...

>1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

>2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

>3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

>4. You e-mail your mate who works at the desk next to you.

>5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they do not have e-mail addresses.

>6. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.

>7. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally do "9" to get an outside line.

>8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.

>10. Your CV is on a disk in your pocket.

>11. Your biggest loss from a system crash was when you lost all of your best jokes.>

>12. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.

>13. Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more likely to get long-service awards.>

>14. Board members salaries are higher than all the Third World countries' annual budgets combined.

>15. Interviewees, despite not having the relevant knowledge or experience, terminate the interview when told of the starting salary.

>16. Free food left over from meetings is your staple diet.

>17. Your boss gets a brand-new state-of-the-art laptop with all the latest features, but you have time to go for lunch while yours boots up.>

>18. Being sick is defined as you can't walk or you're in hospital.

>20. There's no money in the budget for the five permanent staff your department desperately needs, but they can afford four full-time management consultants advising your boss's boss on strategy.>

>21. Your relatives and family describe your job as "works with computers".>

>AND THE CLINCHERS ARE...

>22. You read this entire list, and kept nodding and smiling.

>23. As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your "friends"

>24. You got this email from a friend that never talks to you any more, except to send you jokes from the net.

>25. You are too busy to notice there was no 9 & 19

>26. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a No.9"

:biglaugh:

A man walks in to a bar, walks up to the bar and orders a beer. He drinks it down as fast as you could pour it on the floor, slams the mug on the bar, runs across the room and jumps out the window!

Everyone is stunned, then they run over to the window and look down to the sidewalk - the guy isn't there.

The same man returns a few minutes later and does exactly the same thing. Again, everyone runs to the window only to find that the man is not splattered on the ground.

The third time the man sat at the bar and ordered another beer, he was interrupted by a gentleman next to him before he could slam his beer and jump out the window.

The gentleman asks "How are you jumping out of a window that high up and walking away? That's amazing!"

The man says "It's a very simple explaination really. When you drink a beer really fast it raises your body temperature. The air inside you is hotter, therefore lighter, than the air around you. This adjusts for your body weight and you will gently float to the ground."

The gentleman says "Bartender - gimme a beer. I'm gonna try!" He proceeds to drink the beer really fast and runs and jumps out the window. The other patrons rush to the window to find the gentleman splattered on the sidewalk below.

The bartender says "Superman - you're an a$$hole!"

How Serious Is It???

A man returns from a trip to Shanghai and is feeling very ill. He goes to
see his doctor and is immediately rushed to the hospital to undergo a
series of tests.

The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital and the
phone by his bed rings.

"This is your doctor," says the voice on the phone. "We have the results
back from your test and... I'm sorry, you have an extremely contagious
deadly disease known as G.A.S.H.

"G.A.S.H?" replies the man. "What in the **** is that?"

"It's a combination of gonorrhea, AIDS, SARS and herpes," explains the
doctor.

"My gosh, Doc!" screams the man in a panic, "what are we going to do?"

"Well we're going to put you on a strict diet of pizza and pancakes," says
the doctor matter-of-factly.

"Will that cure me?"

"No," says the doctor, "but it's the only food that will fit under the
door."