Three missionaris await their fate after being captured by an unknown tribe in the heart of Africa.....

The Chief of the tribe walks up to one of the men to tell him:
-You can choose one of two alternatives... Death or Wamba... Which will it be?

The missionary says
-Wamba! Er.. But what is Wamba?

He gets no reply. Instead two big natives grabs him and drags him to a hut, where they proceed to rape him.

When the Chief puts the question to the second missionary, the man shakily answers:
-I suppose it's better than dying.... I choose Wamba...

The previous chain of events is repeated.

When the last missionary gets the question he is absolutley terrified after hearing the cries of agony from his fellows. He makes his decision and replies:
-Death....

The astonished Chief looks at him and asks.
-Are you sure?

The terrified man finally says that he is...

The Chief turns around to face the crowd, and says:
-Death by Wamba...

/Claes http://elsmar55.tempdomainname.com/Forums/images/smilies/eek.gif

I had a tough time deciding whether this should be in the humour thread or the road kill thread. (lol)

Two old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress. One leaned over and said, "Cripes Life is boring, we never have any fun these days. For $5.00, I'd take my clothes off and streak through the flower show!"

"You're on!" said the other old lady, holding up a $5.00 bill.

As fast as she could, the first little old lady fumbled her way out of her clothes, and completely naked streaked through the front door of the flower show.

Waiting outside, her friend heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause. The naked lady burst out through the door surrounded by a cheering crowd.

"How did you do?" asked her waiting friend.

"Great! I just won first prize for Best Dried Arrangement."

The U.S.S. Constitution (Old Ironsides) as a combat vessel carried 48,600 gallons of fresh water for her crew of 475 officers and men. This was sufficient to last six months of sustained operations at sea. She carried no evaporators (i.e. fresh water distillers).

However, according to her log, "On July 27, 1798, the U.S.S. Constitution sailed from Boston with a full complement of 475 officers and men, 48,600 gallons of fresh water, 7,400 cannon shot, 11,600 pounds of black powder and 79,400 gallons of rum." Her mission: "To destroy and harass English shipping."

Making Jamaica on 6 October, she took on 826 pounds of flour and 68,300 gallons of rum, she then headed for the Azores, arriving there 12 November. She provisioned with 550 pounds of beef and 64,300 gallons of Portuguese wine. On 18 November, she set sail for England.

In the ensuing days she defeated five British men-of-war and captured and scuttled 12 English merchantmen, salvaging only the rum aboard.

By 26 January, her powder and shot were exhausted. Nevertheless, unarmed, she made a night raid up the Firth of Clyde in Scotland. Her landing party captured a whisky distillery and transferred 40,000 gallons of single malt Scotch aboard by dawn. Then she headed home.

The U.S.S. Constitution arrived in Boston on 20 February 1799, with no
cannon shot, no food, no powder, no rum, no wine, no whisky and 38,600 gallons of stagnant water.

GO NAVY!

As I was trying to pack for vacation, my 3-year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point, she said, "Dad, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers. Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her fingers in my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers!" pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again. When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face. I said,"What's wrong honey?" She replied, "What happened to my booger?

1) The cucumber has left the salad.
2) I can see the gun of Navarone.
3) Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.
4) You've got Windows in your laptop.
5) Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave.
6) Your soldier ain't so unknown now.
7) Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bell.
8) Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson...
9) You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.
10) Your pod bay door is open, Hal.
11) Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!
12) Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.
13) Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!
14) The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
15) Dr. Kimble has escaped!
16) Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction...
17) You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
18) I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?
19) I thought you were crazy; now I see your nuts.

1) The cucumber has left the salad.
2) I can see the gun of Navarone.
3) Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.
4) You've got Windows in your laptop.
5) Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave.
6) Your soldier ain't so unknown now.
7) Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bell.
8) Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson...
9) You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.
10) Your pod bay door is open, Hal.
11) Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!
12) Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.
13) Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!
14) The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
15) Dr. Kimble has escaped!
16) Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction...
17) You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
18) I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?
19) I thought you were crazy; now I see your nuts.

Well, you can call me stupid. I had to read through this 3 times (top to bottom twice, and bottom to top once) before I figured out the theme (or exposed the thread, so to speak). :o :biglaugh:

Well, you can call me stupid. I had to read through this 3 times (top to bottom twice, and bottom to top once) before I figured out the theme (or exposed the thread, so to speak).

I was curious about the signature on Randy's posts. Lookee here!

Stewart
Scotland; Earl of Galloway; descended through an heiress from Sir Walter Stewart, of Dalswinton and Garlies, third son of Sir John Stewart, of Bonkyl, and said to be paternally from Sir John Stewart, of Jedworth, fourth son of Sir John Stewart, of Bonkyl (Bonkyl? Imagine that.)
Arms: Or, a fesse chequy argent and azure surmounted of a bend engrailed gules within a tressure flory counterflory of the last.
Crest: A pelican argent winged or, in her nest, feeding her young proper.
Supporters: Dexter, a savage wreathed about the head and loins with laurel, holding a club over his dexter shoulder all proper; sinister a lion gules.
Motto: Virescit vulnere virtus.

Better keep those gules under wraps! :vfunny: :smokin:

I was curious about the signature on Randy's posts. Lookee here!

Stewart
Scotland; Earl of Galloway; descended through an heiress from Sir Walter Stewart, of Dalswinton and Garlies, third son of Sir John Stewart, of Bonkyl, and said to be paternally from Sir John Stewart, of Jedworth, fourth son of Sir John Stewart, of Bonkyl (Bonkyl? Imagine that.)
Arms: Or, a fesse chequy argent and azure surmounted of a bend engrailed gules within a tressure flory counterflory of the last.
Crest: A pelican argent winged or, in her nest, feeding her young proper.
Supporters: Dexter, a savage wreathed about the head and loins with laurel, holding a club over his dexter shoulder all proper; sinister a lion gules.
Motto: Virescit vulnere virtus.

Better keep those gules under wraps! :vfunny: :smokin:

I think I read that once in a game of D&D! So Stew, what are you? Chaotic Good?

1) The cucumber has left the salad.
2) I can see the gun of Navarone.
3) Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.
4) You've got Windows in your laptop.
5) Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave.
6) Your soldier ain't so unknown now.
7) Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bell.
8) Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson...
9) You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.
10) Your pod bay door is open, Hal.
11) Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!
12) Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.
13) Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!
14) The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
15) Dr. Kimble has escaped!
16) Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction...
17) You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
18) I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?
19) I thought you were crazy; now I see your nuts.

20) The gate is open but the beast is asleep.
21) A bit of PR does no harm but there are no ladies present.
22) I see the bait, but you may need a bigger worm to catch something.
23) .... (continue...)

/Claes

The signature is the family motto, "Virtue flourishes by wounding".
Now D&D, wow that brings back some memories! I did always play a Chaotic Good character - you always have to keep them guessing! I still enjoy the renaissance festivals, nothing like a good looking bar wench and a mug of meed. But I still haven't been drunk enough to put on the "Royal Stewart Plaid Kilt"!!!!

This one is a genuine hoot.

It was an actual letter sent to Ryan DeVries from the Michigan Department of Environmental Quality, State of Michigan.
Wait till you read this guy's response-but read the letter before you get to the response.

Mr. Ryan DeVries

SUBJECT: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County

Dear Mr. DeVries:
It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:

Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond. A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity.
A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued. Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.
The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at
downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 2002.
Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that our staff may schedule a follow-up site inspection. Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action. We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.
Sincerely, David L. Price
District Representative
Land and Water Management Division

RESPONSE
Dear Mr. Price: Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County
Your certified letter dated 12/17/97 has been handed to me to respond to.

First of all, Mr. Ryan De Vries is not the legal landowner and/or contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson, Michigan. I am the legal owner and a couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of natural building materials "debris."

I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.

As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity.

My first dam question to you is (1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers or (2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request?

If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.

I have several concerns. My first concern is-aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation-so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event causing flooding is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling their dam names.

If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition - please contact the beavers - but if you are going to arrest them (they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter being unable to read English)

In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam right than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams.)

So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2002? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then.

In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention a real environmental quality (health) problem in the area. It is the bears.

Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone.

If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! (The bears are not careful where they dump!)

Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.

Accident Report - From the Darwin Awards website:
***************************************************
This one needs an introduction, so you won't be lost at the beginning. This man was in an accident at work, so he filled out an insurance claim. The insurance company contacted him and asked for more information. This was his response:

"I am writing in response to your request for additional information, for block number 3 of the accident reporting form. I put 'poor planning' as the cause of my accident. You said in your letter that I should explain more fully and I trust the following detail will be sufficient. I am an amateur radio operator and on the day of the accident, I was working alone on the top section of my new 80-foot tower. When I had completed my work, I discovered that I had, over the course of several trips up the tower, brought up about 300 pounds of tools and spare hardware. Rather than carry the now unneeded tools and material down by hand, I decided to lower the items down in a small barrel by using the pulley attached to the gin pole at the top of the tower. Securing the rope at ground level, I went to the top of the tower and loaded the tools and material into the barrel. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow decent of the 300 pounds of tools."

"You will note in block number 11 of the accident reporting form that I weigh only 155 pounds. Due to my surprise of being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rather rapid rate of speed up the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40-foot level, I met the barrel coming down. This explains my fractured skull and broken collarbone. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately, by this time, I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold onto the rope in spite of my pain. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of tools hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel."

"Devoid of the weight of the tools, the barrel now weighed approximately 20 pounds. I refer you again to my weight in block number 11. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40-foot level, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, and the lacerations of my legs and lower body. The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell onto the pile of tools and, fortunately, only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the tools, in pain, unable to stand and watching the empty barrel 80 feet above me, I again lost my presence of mind. I let go of the rope..."

I was curious about the signature on Randy's posts. Lookee here!

Stewart
Scotland; Earl of Galloway; descended through an heiress from Sir Walter Stewart, of Dalswinton and Garlies, third son of Sir John Stewart, of Bonkyl, and said to be paternally from Sir John Stewart, of Jedworth, fourth son of Sir John Stewart, of Bonkyl (Bonkyl? Imagine that.)
Arms: Or, a fesse chequy argent and azure surmounted of a bend engrailed gules within a tressure flory counterflory of the last.
Crest: A pelican argent winged or, in her nest, feeding her young proper.
Supporters: Dexter, a savage wreathed about the head and loins with laurel, holding a club over his dexter shoulder all proper; sinister a lion gules.
Motto: Virescit vulnere virtus.

Better keep those gules under wraps! :vfunny: :smokin:

Okay energy here is what it symbolizes.
Arms:
Or (gold) = Generosity & elevation of mind. Fesse (Military Belt) = Readiness to serve the public. Chequy (checkered) argent (silver/white) = Peace & sincerity and azure (blue) = Truth & loyalty. Bend engrailed (diagonal stripe) gules (red) = Warrior, military strength & magnanimity. Flory = wavy boarder to the bend.

Crest:
Pelican (Self-sacrifice & charitable nature) argent (silver) Peace & sincerity.

Support (outside the crest):
Dexter = right side, Lion = Dauntless courage, Laurel = Peace & triumph.

Stewart of Garlies ~ Or a fess chequy Azure and Argent surmounted of a bend engrailed within a double tressure flory counterflory Gules. See the attachment. It is there.

Accident Report - From the Darwin Awards website:
***************************************************
This one needs an introduction, so you won't be lost at the beginning. This man was in an accident at work, so he filled out an insurance claim. The insurance company contacted him and asked for more information. This was his response:

"I am writing in response to your request for additional information, for block number 3 of the accident reporting form. I put 'poor planning' as the cause of my accident. You said in your letter that I should explain more fully and I trust the following detail will be sufficient. I am an amateur radio operator and on the day of the accident, I was working alone on the top section of my new 80-foot tower. When I had completed my work, I discovered that I had, over the course of several trips up the tower, brought up about 300 pounds of tools and spare hardware. Rather than carry the now unneeded tools and material down by hand, I decided to lower the items down in a small barrel by using the pulley attached to the gin pole at the top of the tower. Securing the rope at ground level, I went to the top of the tower and loaded the tools and material into the barrel. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow decent of the 300 pounds of tools."

"You will note in block number 11 of the accident reporting form that I weigh only 155 pounds. Due to my surprise of being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rather rapid rate of speed up the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40-foot level, I met the barrel coming down. This explains my fractured skull and broken collarbone. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately, by this time, I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold onto the rope in spite of my pain. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of tools hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel."

"Devoid of the weight of the tools, the barrel now weighed approximately 20 pounds. I refer you again to my weight in block number 11. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40-foot level, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, and the lacerations of my legs and lower body. The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell onto the pile of tools and, fortunately, only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the tools, in pain, unable to stand and watching the empty barrel 80 feet above me, I again lost my presence of mind. I let go of the rope..."

If you check the Darwin Awards site it is listed as an Urban Legend, not true

I realize that it was listed as an Urban Legend, but I still found it quite funny now that I am fully involved with Health and Safety and compensation benefits.

DP

The Elderly Couple

An elderly couple is enjoying an anniversary dinner together in a small tavern. The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this tavern where you leaned against the fence and I made love to you."

"Yes," she says, "I remember it well."

"OK" he says, "How about taking a stroll 'round there again and we can do it for old time's sake."

"Ooooooh Henry, you devil, that sounds like a good idea," she answers.

There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see this...two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye
on them so there's no trouble." So he follows them.

They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks.

Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the old man drops his trousers. She turns around and as she hangs on to the fence, the old man moves in. Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen. They are bucking and jumping like eighteen-year-olds. This goes on for about forty minutes with both of them screaming. He's hanging on to her hips for dear life. This is the most athletic sex imaginable. Finally they both collapse panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggles to their feet and put their clothes back on.

The policeman, still watching, thinks, "That was truly amazing, he was going like a train. I've got to ask him what his secret is."

As the couple pass, he says to them, "That was something else, you must have been having sex for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? You must have had a fantastic life together. Is there some sort of secret?"

"No, there's no secret, "the old man says. "Fifty years ago that fence wasn't electric."

Hi All,

This is a bit late but I thought I'd stick it in here. I went to the Cultural Anthropology and Politics threads but it was a bit hot in there. This is presumably 'Comical Ali'.

Greg B

A blonde goes into a restaurant and notices there's a "peel and win" sticker on her coffee cup. So she peels it off and starts screaming, "I've won a motor home! I've won a motor home!"

The waitress says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize is a free lunch."

But the blonde keeps screaming, "I've won a motor home! I've won a motor home!"

Finally the manager comes over and says, "Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're mistaken. You couldn't possibly have won a motor home because we didn't have that as a prize!"

The blonde says, "No it's not a mistake. I've won a motor home!"

She hands the ticket to the manager and he reads...



" W I N A B A G E L "
:bonk: :rolleyes: :bigwave:

Bill

Pardon the Pun

1. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

2. Two boll weevils grew up in the deep South. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

8. A couple of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him A super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

A Message From the Rural Midwest
Because of misunderstandings that frequently develop when Easterners and Californians cross states such as Nebraska, Kansas, Iowa, Missouri, Illinois, Minnesota, North Dakota, and South Dakota; those states' Tourism Councils have adopted a set of information guidelines. In an effort to help outsiders understand the Midwest, the following list will be handed to each driver entering the state:

1. That farm boy standing next to the feed bin did more work before breakfast than you do all week at the gym.
2. It's called a 'gravel road'. No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Navigator. I have a four-wheel drive because I need it. Drive it or get it out of the way.
3. We all started hunting and fishing when we were seven years old. Yeah,we saw Bambi. We got over it.
4. Any references to "corn fed" when talking about our women will get you whipped... by our women.
5. Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Don't cry to us if a flathead catfish breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for those little trout you fish for....bait.
6. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.
7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their final approach, we will shoot it. You might hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.
8. That's right. Whiskey is only two bucks. We can buy a fifth for what you paid in the airport for one drink.
9. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak. Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey.
10. You bring Coke into my house but it better be brown, wet, and served over ice.
11. So you have a sixty thousand dollar car you drive on weekends. We're real impressed. We have quarter of a million dollar combines that we use two weeks a year.
12. Let's get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We stop when it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow.
13. Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks--because they want to. So, you're a feminist. Isn't that cute.
14. Yeah, we eat catfish. Carp, too--and turtle. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the bait shop.
15. They are pigs. That's what they smell like. Get over it. Don't like it?
Interstates 80 & 90 go two ways--Interstates 29 &35 go the other two. Pick one and use it accordingly.
17. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday. You can get breakfast at the church.
18. So every person in every pickup waves... It's called being friendly. Understand the concept?
19. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit the ball into the water hazard. It spooks the fish.
20. That Highway Patrol Officer that just pulled you over for driving like an idiot...his name is "Sir"...no matter how old he is.

Now, enjoy your visit and go home.

db,
Most of those could go for WV and VA too. Just got back from a great week.

From one of my Buckeye Buddies! Ouch! :eek:

The Love Dress

A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house. She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"My husband loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."

The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed,showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.

"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?" :vfunny: :vfunny:

Db

GO BLUE!

Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter comes and takes their drink order.
"I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggy.
"I would like a Coke," said the second little piggy.
"I want water, lots and lots of water," said the third little piggy.
The drinks are brought out and the waiter takes their orders for dinner.
"I want a nice big steak," said the first piggy.
"I would like the salad plate," said the second piggy.
"I want water, lots and lots of water," said the third little piggy.
The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the
table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.
"I want a banana split," said the first piggy.
"I want a root beer float," said the second piggy.
"I want water, lots and lots of water," exclaimed the third little piggy.
"Pardon me for asking," said the waiter! to the third little piggy, "but why have you only ordered water all evening?"
You're gonna LOVE me for this....
Hold on to your seat .

The third piggy says -
"Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!"

Sorry about that, my sister sent it to me and I had to share the misery.

My daughter, Jeri Lynn - age 11, is going to love that one!!

PS - Did you know that Jeri Ryan's full name is Jeri Lynn Ryan. I thought I made that name up! Back to the Star Trek thread - engage.

Teehee

20 Clues A Woman Should Call It A Night

1. I have absolutely no idea where my purse is.

2. I believe that dancing with my arms overhead and wiggling my butt while yelling WOO-HOO is truly the sexiest dance move around.

3. I've suddenly decided I want to kick someone's *** and honestly believe I could do it too.

4. In my last trip to "pee" I realize I now look more like Tammy Faye Baker than the goddess I was just four hours ago.

5 . I drop my 3:00 a.m. submarine on the floor (which I'm eating even though I'm not the least bit hungry), pick it up and carry on eating it.

6. I start crying and telling everyone I see that I love them sooooo much.

7. There are less than three hours before I'm due to start work.

8. I've found a deeper/spiritual side to the geek sitting next to me.

9. The man I'm flirting with used to be my 5th grade teacher.

10. The urge to take off articles of clothing, stand on a table and sing or dance becomes strangely overwhelming.

11. My eyes just don't seem to want to stay open on their own so I keep them half closed and think it looks exotically sexy.

12. I've suddenly taken up smoking and become really good at it.

13. I yell at the bartender, who (I think) cheated me by giving me just lemonade, but that's just because I can no longer taste the gin.

14. I think I'm in bed, but my pillow feels strangely like the kitchen floor.

15. I start every conversation with a booming, "DON'T take this the WRONG WAY but..."

16. I fail to notice that the toilet lid's down when I sit on it.

17. My hugs begin to resemble wrestling take-down moves.

18. I'm tired so I just sit on the floor (wherever I happen to be standing)
and take a quick nap.

19. I begin leaving the buttons open on my button fly pants to cut down on the time I'm in the bathroom away from my drink.

20. I take my shoes off because I believe it's their fault that I'm having problems walking straight.

After hearing blonde jokes for years and watching blondes-in-the-workplace (safety video anyone?), I've come to realize one thing...it's the "Wanna be's" that give us Naturals a bad name! :)

*** *** ***

A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some deodorant for her bum. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that they don't sell bum deodorant, and never have. Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more. "I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "we don't have any." "But I always get it here," says the blonde. "I tell you what" says the pharmacist, "Do you have the container it comes in?" "Yes!" said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it." She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant". The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container : "To apply, push up bottom"

http://www.googlism.com/

You owe it to yourself!

Bill, a guy on the local beach just couldn't make it with any of the girls, so he heads over to the lifeguard tower to see if the lifeguard has any advice for him.

"Dude, it's obvious," says the lifeguard, "you're wearing them baggy old swimming trunks that make you look like an old geezer. They're years outta style. Your best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Spandex Speedos - about two sizes too small - and drop a fist-sized potato down inside 'em. I'm tellin you man...you'll have all the babes you want!"

The following weekend, Bill hits the beach with his spanking new tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato and for cryin' out loud! - it's worse than before!

Everybody on the beach acts disgusted as he walks by, covering their faces, turning away, laughing, looking sick! So Bill goes back to the lifeguard again and asks him, "What's wrong now?"

"Jeezzzzz!" says the lifeguard......."The potato goes in front!!"

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee". The husband said, " You are in charge of the cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee." Wife replies, "No you should do it, and besides it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee." Husband replies, " I can't believe that, show me." So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and shows him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says . "HEBREWS"

Hey I heard a good one !

They made energy a moderator :biglaugh: :biglaugh: :biglaugh:

Not JUST moderator "Sheriff" - An unless I'm real wrong (which Mrs B usually says is true) DONT MESS WITH THE Guy WEARING THE BADGE

Ahhh the price of fame - must weigh heavely on his shoulders LOL

"Congrats Bill" Now I know the forums will be a close to civilized as needed......

Hey I heard a good one !

They made energy a moderator

Energy as the Sheriff? Isn't that the same as putting 'Dirty Harry' in charge of gun control? :vfunny::biglaugh::vfunny:

I thought an 'energy moderator' was a resistor or is it a fuse (Australian spelling)?? :biglaugh: :vfunny: (I thought it was funny)

Well done Energy 'bout time we had some normalcy (sp?)

Greg B

Hey I heard a good one !

They made energy a moderator

Yes, Martin, will wonders ever cease? I haven't seen you so happy in awhile. Mourning the loss of a loved one? :vfunny: I haven't seen you this happy since my employment situation took a turn for the worse. You be good boy, now. Grampy's watching! :vfunny:

Subject: WHY WE LOVE KIDS
NUDITY

I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"

HONESTY
My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago."

OPINIONS

On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."

KETCHUP

A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the bottle. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."

MORE NUDITY

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"

POLICE # 1

While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?" "Yes," I answered and continued writing the report. "My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?" "Yes, that's right," I told her. "Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?"

POLICE # 2

It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. "Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?"


ELDERLY

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the
inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will
never believe this!"

DRESS-UP

A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning."

DEATH

While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said:

Glory be unto the Faaaather, and unto the Sonnn ..... and into the hole he gooooes."

SCHOOL

A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"

BIBLE

A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found", the boy called out. What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"
----
PREGNANCY Q & A & more!

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.
----
"ESTROGEN ISSUES"

10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE "ESTROGEN ISSUES"

1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says: "How's my driving-call 1- 800-"
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from "outer space."
8. You can't believe they don't make a tampon bigger than Super Plus.
9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.
----
TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND

10. Cat's facial expressions.

9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
7. Fat clothes.
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.
4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow.
3. Eyelash curlers.
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
AND, the Number One thing only women understand:
1. OTHER WOMEN
----

We all should have this added to our PO's or SOWs!

I find this especially amusing as I am our Purchasing Agent!! (One of the many hats I wear)

I think this falls under cruel and unusual punishment!

It also solidifies my reply to ISOGuy about him watching his Yankees!

Probably speaks volumes on why I'm single! :vfunny:

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules
from the male side. These are our rules! Please note... these are all
numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it
down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about
you leaving it down.

1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that
way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not
work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's
what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact,
all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to
act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways
makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done.
Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during
commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for
example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea
what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's
wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you
don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...
Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss
such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or what club to use for a 250 yard drive.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch
tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, it's like camping.

Probably speaks volumes on why I'm single! :vfunny:




Maybe you're single, but you're also a "glorious beacon of light". You're getting so many green dots Marc might have to buy some more! :vfunny:

If you ever join a dating service, tell 'em you're a "glorious beacon of light" and you might attract some "quality" women!

Keep up the good work!

It's really not a glorious beacon of light, it's just the sun reflecting off my bald spot! :eek:

I think I'm in trouble.... I just showed your list to my missus Oh, well. life goes on.... I think... :biglaugh:

/Claes

It's really not a glorious beacon of light, it's just the sun reflecting off my bald spot! :eek:

:vfunny: And a grand sense of humor as well. Ladies, get him before he's taken!

BAFFLE THEM
>
>
> A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful
> pet dachshund along for company. One day, the dachshund starts chasing
> butterflies and before long the dachshund discovers that he is lost.
> So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his
> direction with the obvious intention of having lunch. The dachshund
> thinks, "OK, I'm in deep trouble now! Then he noticed some bones on the
> ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with
> his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap,
> the dachshund exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I
> wonder if there are any more
> around here?"
>
> Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a look of
> terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew," says the
> leopard. "That was close. That dachshund nearly had me."
>
> Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby
> tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for
> protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the dachshund saw him
> heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something
> must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the
> beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
>
> The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey,
> hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."
> Now the dachshund sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back,
> and thinks, "What am I going to do now?"
>
> But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his
> attackers, pretending
> he hasn't seen them yet... and just when they get close enough to hear
> the dachshund says...................... "Where's that **** monkey? I
> sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard."
>
> SOMETIMES IF YOU CANT DAZZLE THEM WITH BRILLIANCE THEN BAFFLE THEM WITH
> BULL****!!

Don't nobody get too upset -- this is the humor thread! ;)
__________________________

A popular bar had a new Robotic bartender installed.

A guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What's your IQ"?

The man replied, "130".

So the robot proceeded to make conversation about physics, astronomy,
investments, insurance, and so on.

The man listened intently and thought, "This is really cool".

Another guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What's your
IQ?"

The man responded, "100."

So the robot started talking about the football, baseball and so on.

The man thought to himself, "Wow, this is really cool".

A third guy came in to the bar. As with the others, the robot asked him,

"What's your IQ?"

The man replied, "70".

The robot then said, "So, what's the Democratic Party up to these days?"

THIS SHOULD RATTLE YOUR BRAINS A LITTLE

If you ever feel stupid, then just read on.
If you've learned to speak fluent English, you must be a genius!
This little treatise on the lovely language we share is only for the brave.
Peruse at your leisure, English lovers.

Reasons why the English language is so hard to learn:

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail
18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France (Surprise!). Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

Quicksand works slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?

If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth?
One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend. If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? Is it an odd, or an end?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out, and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all.
That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

P.S. - Why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "quick"?

Ouch! Sir, control yourself....My brains hurt. Have mercy with us non native english (american english?) speakers...

/Claes

Ouch! Sir, control yourself....My brains hurt. Have mercy with us non native english (american english?) speakers...

/Claes

I have an 8-year old boy and he is constantly telling me his brains hurt when I'm trying to explain why words that are spelled the same are spoken differently depending on case or useage.

Nice one Mike. It is truly amazing that we can communicate at all :ko: :smokin:
(I had to share this one around work)

Bill

Norman and his wife live in Calgary. One winter morning while
listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, "We are going to
have 8 to 10 centimetres of snow today. You must park your car on the even
numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."

Norman's wife goes out and moves her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer
says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 centimetres of snow today. You must park
your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can
get through."
Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again.

The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio
announcer says "We are expecting 12 to 14 centimetres of snow today.
You must park..........." then the electric power goes out.

Norman's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she
says, "Honey, I don't know what to do." Which side of the street do I
need to park on so the plow can get through?
With the love and understanding in his voice like all of us men who
are married to Blondes exhibit, Norman says, "Why don't you just leave it
in the garage this time?"

A filthy rich but but seriously ill 50 yo lady was contemplating her life. She expected it to be over very soon. However an angel appeared to tell her that she was not about to die... She would live to be at last 85.

Both relieved and elated, she decided to order a boob job, fat suction, face lift and what have you to celebrate.

Later, when she left the hospital she was immediately run over by a big truck and died instantly. At the pearly gates she happened to see the angel again, ad gave him a good old dressing down for cheating her so cruelly...

The angel replied: -Sorry maam, but you fooled us more than we cheated you. We simply didn't recognize you....

Norman and his wife live in Calgary.

Good one! Sent it to my aunt who lives in Calgary! Granted their local news is more about mad moo-moo and forest fires than impending snow storms. :)

An elderly couple was sitting at the kitchen table on the morning of their 50th wedding anniversary. "You know" she said, "We were probably sitting in the kitchen across from each other 50 years ago today." "Yea" he said, "But we were probably naked." "So let's get naked now" she suggested. So they both took off all their clothes and sat across from each other. "You know" she said smiling lovingly, "My nipples feel just as hot for you today as they were 50 years ago." "I'm sure they are," He replied. "One is in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal."
:biglaugh:

You got to look out for those falling cows. Gives a new meaning to cow tipping :vfunny:

1. Sag, You're it
2. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6. Simon says something incoherent.
7. Hide and go pee
8. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta
9. Musical recliners

You just have the love the thinking.

Watch out for the carrot!

Watch out for the carrot!

Watch out, indeed... The text says: "The worlds fastest carrot" Whatever that's supposed to mean? :eek: I'll say.....

/Claes

Watch out for the carrot!

:vfunny: I thought the carrot was supposed to dangle in front of the a$$! :vfunny:

How true!

***Dislaimer: No offense or disrespect meant to anyone***:D


Now that Uday & Qusay have been eliminated, a lot of the lesser-known family members are coming to the attention of American authorities.

Among the brothers:
Sooflay ..............the restauranteur
Guday.................the half-Australian brother
Huray..................the sports fanatic
Sashay................the gay brother
Kuntay & Kintay.....the twins from the African mother
Sayhay................the baseball player
Ojay....................the stalker/murderer
Gulay...................the singer/entertainer
Ebay...................the internet czar
Biliray..................the country music star
Ecksray...............the radiologist
Puray..................the blender factory owner
Regay..................the half-Jamaican brother
Tupay.................the one with bad hair

Among the sisters:
Lattay................the coffee shop owner
Bufay.................the 300 pound sister
Dushay...............the clean sister
Phayray..............the zoo worker in the gorilla house
Sapheway...........the grocery store owner
Ollay..................the half-mexican sister
Gudlay...............the prostitute

Finally, there is Oyvay, but the family doesn't like to talk about him.

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.
The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way. The man who was a Priest, said, "I am a Father."
The little boy replied "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that."
The Priest looked up from his book and answered "I am the Father of many." The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and he doesn't wear his collar that way.
The Priest, getting impatient, said "I am the Father of hundreds," and went back to reading his book. The little boy sat quietly ... but on leaving the bus, he leaned over and said, "Well maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar!"

Even it they're not real I like 'em.

Definition: engineer

en.gin.eer \en-ji-nir\ n 1: a mechanism for converting caffeine into designs.

Even it they're not real I like 'em.

Kinda reminds me of the movie with Dudley Moore where he accidently got the wrong advertising to the customers (remember "Volvo -- They're boxy, but their good."?)

Robin Williams' plan...(Hard to argue with this logic!)

I see a lot of people yelling for peace but I have not heard of a plan for peace. So, here's one plan:

1. The US will apologize to the world for our "interference" in their affairs, past &present. You know, Hitler, Mussolini, Tojo, Noriega, Milosovich and the rest of those 'good ole boys.' We will never "interfere" again.

2. We will withdraw our troops from all over the world, starting with Germany, South Korea and the Philippines. They don't want us there. We would station troops at our borders. No one sneaking through holes in the fence.

3. All illegal aliens have 90 days to get their affairs together and leave. We'll give them a free trip home. After 90 days the remainder will be gathered up and deported immediately, regardless of who or where
they are. France would welcome them.

4. All future visitors will be thoroughly checked and limited to 90 days unless given a special permit. No onefrom a terrorist nation would be allowed in. If you don't like it there, change it yourself and don't hide
here. Asylum would never be available to anyone. We don't need any more cab drivers or 7-11 cashiers.

5. No "students" over age 21. The older ones are the bombers. If they don't attend classes, they get a "D" and it's back home baby.

6. The US will make a strong effort to become self-sufficient energy wise. This will include developing non-polluting sources of energy but will require a temporary drilling of oil in the Alaskan wilderness. The caribou will have to cope for a while.

7. Offer Saudi Arabia and other oil producing countries $10 a barrel for their oil. If they don't like it, we go some place else. They can go somewhere else to sell their production. (About a week of the wells filling up the storage sites would be enough.)

8. If there is a famine or other natural catastrophe in the world, we will not "interfere." They can pray to Allah or whomever, for seeds, rain, cement or whatever they need. Besides most of what we give them is stolen or given to the army. The people who need it most get very
little, if anything.

9. Ship the UN Headquarters to an isolated island some place. We don't need the spies and fair weather friends here. Besides, the building would make a good homeless shelter or lockup for illegal aliens.

10. All Americans must go to charm and beauty school. That way, no one can call us "Ugly Americans" any longer.

Now, isn't that a winner of a plan.

"The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying 'Give me your poor, your tired, your huddled masses.'
She's got a baseball bat and she's yelling, 'You want a piece of me?'"

I didn't know if I should put these in this thread or the politics thread.

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?

Couldn't have said it better myself.

I don't know if all of this is true, but I do know she really is a nurse.

The famous Olympic skier Picabo (pronounced Peek-A-boo) Street is not just an athlete, she is a nurse. She currently works at the Intensive Care Unit of a large metropolitan hospital. She is not permitted to answer the telephone, however, as it caused simply too much confusion when she would answer the phone and say,

Picabo, ICU.

How hot is it in **** ?
A thermodynamics professor had written a take home exam for his graduate
students. It had one question: "Is **** exothermic (gives off heat) or
endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof."
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law (gas
cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some
variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of **** is changing in time. So, we need
to know the rate that souls are moving into **** and the rate they are
leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to ****,it
will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are
entering ****, let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world
today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their
religion, you will go to ****. Since there are more than one of these
religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can
project that all people and all souls go to ****. With birth and death rates
as they are, we can expect the number of souls in **** to increase
exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in ****
because Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in
**** to stay the same, the volume of **** has to expand as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities.
#1) If **** is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter
****, then the temperature and pressure in **** will increase until all ****
breaks loose.
#2) Of course, if **** is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of
souls in ****, then the temperature and pressure will drop until ****
freezes over.
So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Therese Banyan
during my Freshman year, "That it will be a cold night in **** before I
sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I still have not
succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then #2 cannot be true, and
so **** is exothermic.
The student got the only A.

NO Nursing Home for me!

With the average cost for a Nursing Home per day reaching $188.00, there is a better way when we get old & feeble.

I have acertained that I can get a nice room at the Holiday Inn for around $65.00...that leaves $123.00 a day for beer, food (room service), laundry, gratuities and special TV movies. They have a swimming pool, a workout room, a lounge, washer, dryer, etc. Most have free toothpaste and razors, and all have free shampoo and soap.

Super 8 is somewhat more economical and they have a free breakfast, though you usually have to walk next door for lunch and dinner.

There may be a bit of a wait to get that first floor room, but that's OK, it takes months to get into decent nursing! homes. There is the Senior Bus, the Handicap bus (if you fake a decent limp), a Church bus or van, cabs, and even a regular bus. For a change of lunch take the Airport Bus and eat at one of the fast food cafe's there.

The Inn has security, and if someone sees you drop over, they will call an ambulance. And should you break a hip, the American Way is to Sue. What more can you ask for?

As a bonus, they all have AARP and other Senior discounts.
So: When I reach the Golden age
help me keep my grin
Just check my old rickety ***
into the nearest Holiday Inn!

We know we have bad roads in MI, and we know we have a lot of rivers and lakes. When the 2 get together we really have problems.

This is a block away from where I work!

We know we have bad roads in MI, and we know we have a lot of rivers and lakes. When the 2 get together we really have problems.

This is a block away from where I work!

Isn't that a picture of the Livonia Canal? :vfunny:

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral...I'm a gynecologist."

And at that point, the proctologist fainted.

:eek: :rolleyes:

We know we have bad roads in MI, and we know we have a lot of rivers and lakes. When the 2 get together we really have problems.

This is a block away from where I work!


We have problems in NY too.

This just in from Texas....
A researcher from Texas A&M University has invented a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling and prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.
At a news conference announcing the invention, the scientist was taken outside by a large group of cowboys and had the s*1t kicked out of him.

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven.
At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says "Sisters, you all led such wonderful lives that I'm granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you want to be."

The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;" and *poof* she's gone.

The second says, "I want to be Madonna;" and *poof* she's gone.

The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini."
St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says.
"Sara Pipalini;" replies the nun.
St. Peter shakes his head and says; "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St.Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says....
"No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months.

While watching a seminar on TV about communication, a man listened as the lecturer declared, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."

He addressed the men, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?"

Feeling good about his knowledge of her normal activities, he looked across the room and asked: "Pillsbury All-Purpose, isn't it?"

The whole evening went downhill after that.....................

An 8th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to seven times its normal size when stimulated?"

Indignant, Sally stood up and said "You should not be asking 8th graders such a question!! I'm going to tell my parents, they are going to tell the Principal, who will fire you!"

Mrs. Parks asked Sally to take her seat and patiently repeated her question to the class. Sally's mouth fell open and she said to those around her "Boy is she in big trouble.

Kevin raised his hand and Mrs. Parks called on him. "The body part that increases seven times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."

"That is correct" replied Mrs. Parks. Then she said to Sally "As for you, young lady, you have a dirty mind, you did not read your homework, and one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"
"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life."
The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"

An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.

A couple drove down a country road and had a discussion which led to a heated argument.
Words were exchanged which led to silence. Neither said a word as neither wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically asked, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yup," the husband replied, "In-laws."

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing.
If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."

Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?

Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

My husband says I never listen to him. At least I think that's what he said.

Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?

If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

Great minds discuss ideas;
Average minds discuss events;
Small minds discuss people.

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My
elbow hurts like h3ll. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's
a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine
sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It
takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a h3ll of a lot cheaper than a
doctor."

So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore
He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine
sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the
computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm
water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began
wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool
sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and
masturbated into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurries back to the
drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his
concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better

The city Police, in conjunction with the Federal Police, have issued a warning advising all dog owners to keep their dogs inside until further notice. Dogs are being picked off one at a time on an almost continual basis through-out the city. They are falling in great numbers.
Police advise all dog owners not to walk their dogs

Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht frist and lsat ltteer is at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we do not raed ervey lteter by it slef but the wrod as a wlohe.

ceehiro

Wndey

Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht frist and lsat ltteer is at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we do not raed ervey lteter by it slef but the wrod as a wlohe.

ceehiro

Wndey

Oayk, yruo piotn is?

Etcaxly!!!

Hvae a ncie day.

Daen

People were asked to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are the 2003 winners:

1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
4. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
5. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
6. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
7. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
8. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
9. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
13. Glibido: All talk and no action.
14. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
15. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web..
16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

And the pick of the literature:
18. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

I just have to get one of these computers

Self-defense?

I was just broken-hearted when I learned the little thing that slides out of the front of mine was NOT a coffee mug holder!

I was just broken-hearted when I learned the little thing that slides out of the front of mine was NOT a coffee mug holder!

Mine holds Burbon bottles. :rolleyes:

THINGS YOU'D LOVE TO SAY OUT LOUD AT WORK

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of crap.

2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

3. How about never? Is never good for you?

4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.

6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.

10. Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again...

11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.

12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a ****..

14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

23. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?

24 Do I look like a people person?

25. This isn't an office. It's h*** with fluorescent lighting.

26. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?

34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

36. Chaos, panic, & disorder-my work here is done.

37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

38. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary.

39. Oh I get it... like humor... but different.

THINGS YOU'D LOVE TO SAY OUT LOUD AT WORK

I just about fell out of my chair laughing my a** off. There are so many of those that I would love to say around here.

Hmmm, maybe I should print a copy and post it on the bulletin board (anonymously of course) ;)

We just started doing the #24! Or #19. Everyone in this department knows what we're talking about.!

Possibly Actual analogies, etc. from high school student essay...

Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 P.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 P.M. at a speed of 35 mph.

They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds that had also never met.

He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.

Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

"Oh, Jason, take me!" she panted, her breasts heaving like a college freshman on $1-a-beer night.

He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

She was as easy as the TV Guide crossword.

Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser.

She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.

THINGS YOU'D LOVE TO SAY OUT LOUD AT WORK
Ah, but I have done that... I have in fact used no's 1,5,9,11,21 & 22 or variations thereof at some time...

I can also offer a few fresh ones:

40. Did you know that facts remain even when you disregard them?

41. Are you really that stupid, or are you simulating?

42. Yes, I know you're only 5 paces away. I'm calling you to avoid being interrupted by the phone every time I talk to you.

43. I would like to wish everyone who turned their cell phones off welcome to this meeting.

44. Message recieved and read but not understood.

45. What do you mean I missed the meeting? I left five minutes past the set time when I was the only one there.

46. No, I will not answer the phone, because I'm talking to you right now.

47. Do I mind if you smoke? Do you mind if I fart?

48. ?

/Claes

Shazam!

At one time in my life, I thought I had a handle on the meaning of the word "service."

The act of doing things for others.

Internal Revenue Service Postal Service Civil Service Service Stations Customer Service City/County Public ServiceAnd I became confused about the word "service." This is not what I thought "service" meant. Then one day, I overheard two farmers talking and one of them mentioned that he was having a bull over to "service" a few of his cows. SHAZAM!! It all came into perspective. Now I understand what all those "service" agencies are doing to us!

Nice paint jobs.

48. "Okay, okay! I take it back. Unf**k you!"

49 "You say I'm a b!tch like it's a bad thing."

50. "Well, this day was a total waste of make-up."

51. "Well, aren't we a ray of sunshine?"

52. "Don't bother me, I'm living happily ever after."

53. "EXCUSE ME... Do I look like a people person?"

54. "Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble wrap is cheap. You choose."

55. "Why don't you try practicing random acts of intelligence and
senseless acts of self-control?"

56. "I'm not crazy. I've been in a very bad mood for 30 years."

57. "Sarcasm is just one more service I offer."

58. "Do they ever shut up on your planet?"

59. "I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable"

60. "Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't
gone to sleep yet."

61. "Back off!! You're standing in my aura."

62. "I work 45 hours a week to be this poor."

63. "Not all men are annoying. Some are dead."

64. "Wait... I'm trying to imagine you with a personality"

65. "Chaos, panic and disorder. My work here is done."

66. "Ambivalent? Well, yes and no."

67. "You look like sh!t. Is that the style now?"

68. "Awww, did I step on your poor wittie bitty ego?"

69. "I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert."

70. "A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth."

71. "Jeez!!! Who lit the fuse on YOUR tampon?" (Sorry, a little bad taste here)

(Hope I don't offend anyone!)

This came to me from a Cover on the east coast. Apparently energy was at the recent Nascar race in New England.

I received that yesterday too, from a coworker, under it he wrote:

"These are actually Kenny Wallace fans - officials made her put her shirt back on."

I received this yesterday from a coworker, under it he wrote:

"These are actually Kenny Wallace fans - officials made her put her shirt back on."

energy is a girl? :eek:

No wonder he gets other's gender confused. :vfunny:

I'm not sure how you took that db, for non NASCAR fans:

Dale Earnhart Sr. was/is #3.

Kenny Wallace is #23 - the inference is she (next to the #3 guy) had to cover up the #2 shaved on her back.

I'm not sure how you took that db, for non NASCAR fans:

Kenny Wallace is #23 - the inference is she (next to the #3 guy) had to cover up the #2 shaved on her back.

Oh! I thought you were saying energy (the #3 guy) was a female.

If I keep digging, perhaps I'll find a way out of this hole.

Not to notpick, but that track is actually Bristol Motor Speedway located in Tennesee.

Told you I was a NASCAR junkie :p

Can you believe this? :eek:

Oh! I thought you were saying energy (the #3 guy) was a female.

If I keep digging, perhaps I'll find a way out of this hole.

The middle guy? Too hairy on the back. Too much on his head. Female? Are you cruisin? How would you like to go home and report that some girl kicked your B**** up around your throat? :vfunny:

Can you believe this? :eek:

I see they have their railings up and an employee used as ballast on the upper forklift. They thought of everything. Picky Picky :)

Can you believe this?

Adapt and overcome!

I see they have their railings up and an employee used as ballast on the upper forklift. They thought of everything. Picky Picky :)

I see your point, :vfunny: but, what do you think the purpose of the guy on the bottom forks is? :vfunny:

I see your point, :vfunny: but, what do you think the purpose of the guy on the bottom forks is?

Squished?

I see your point, :vfunny: but, what do you think the purpose of the guy on the bottom forks is? :vfunny:
To operate the topmost forklift (Now, there's a novel expression), of course. I can't wait to show this to our safety engineer... He'll faint on the spot. :biglaugh:

/Claes

To operate the topmost forklift...

I really had to look - but I'll be d@mned he is operating it!! I just noticed the guy by the stack of boxes too, he's another one trying to get squished.

Here's another:

Not to notpick, but that track is actually Bristol Motor Speedway located in Tennesee.

Told you I was a NASCAR junkie :p

Me too. We camp inside the track at MIS at least once a year, sometimes we make it for both. My parents live in Indiana - so I've made it to the Brickyard a couple of times over the years.

The rear wheels are barely on the ground......The guy on top forks of the lifter in between the forklifts is brain dead. I see 4 potential fatalities when it flips forward and sideways. Brain dead, the upper ballast guy, possibly the driver and the dude behind the boxes watching with interest. :( (Those on the top platform are probably managers that will face fines and/or imprisonment.)

They have pick-em up truck races and lawn mower races. I'm waiting for the soccer mom on the phone SUV races to be officially sanctioned. Happens all the time on I-696 and 275 here! :biglaugh:

I've never liked NASCAR, give me the Drag Strip, Grand Prix bike or 4 wheels anyday!

Me too. We camp inside the track at MIS at least once a year, sometimes we make it for both. My parents live in Indiana - so I've made it to the Brickyard a couple of times over the years.
I've been to a few races and go to the local Saturday night races quite a bit. But I'm just patiently waiting. ISC is looking in the area to build a new track, and the top prospect right now is about 30 minutes away:D

They have pick-em up truck races and lawn mower races. I'm waiting for the soccer mom on the phone SUV races to be officially sanctioned. Happens all the time on I-696 and 275 here! :biglaugh

We have stuff like that - my sister lives in Imlay City just a few blocks from the fair grounds. We get to see all kinds of things race, get demolished, pulled around by tractors, etc.

Soccer mom thing - very funny! :vfunny:

Richard - woo hoo! That's closer than I am to MIS.

We have stuff like that - my sister lives in Imlay City just a few blocks from the fair grounds. We get to see all kinds of things race, get demolished, pulled around by tractors, etc.

Soccer mom thing - very funny! :vfunny:

Richard - woo hoo! That's closer than I am to MIS.

Imlay City!!!!

I used to go there to the fair as a kid. Lived in Almost, just down the road.

A guy brought one of those racing lawnmowers to an autocross (SCCA) I was in a few years ago. They laughed at me in my Dakota truck, but they really laughed at him (in a joking sort of way) when he showed up. The mower was surprisingly fast on the straight parts, but the first hairpin sent him (you guessed it) into the grass.

Just gotta love a town named Almost!
We had a big ole country boy from South-Western PA in Boot Camp. When we first formed up into units they asked him where he was from and we cracked up when he spoke up and said in that country voice "Mars"! Yep, Mars PA!

Just gotta love a town named Almost!
We had a big ole country boy from South-Western PA in Boot Camp. When we first formed up into units they asked him where he was from and we cracked up when he spoke up and said in that country voice "Mars"! Yep, Mars PA!

Actually it is Almont, but we often intentionally butchered the name. Nearby is the town of Capac. Spell it backward and you get Capac.

Imlay City!!!!

I used to go there to the fair as a kid. Lived in Almost, just down the road.

Yep - they bought their house out there two years ago. We just went to the last demolition derby / carnival a few weeks ago. We don't miss too many events there - we walk from her house.

Yep - they bought their house out there two years ago. We just went to the last demolition derby / carnival a few weeks ago. We don't miss too many events there - we walk from her house.

do they charge $5 for folks to park in their yard? :vfunny:

The rear wheels are barely on the ground......The guy on top forks of the lifter in between the forklifts is brain dead. I see 4 potential fatalities when it flips forward and sideways. Brain dead, the upper ballast guy, possibly the driver and the dude behind the boxes watching with interest. :( (Those on the top platform are probably managers that will face fines and/or imprisonment.)

Yes... Good summary, with one exception: There will be no forward flip. *

Hint: Would anyone care to guess what might happen when the topmost forklift unloads what it's carrying? Particularly concerning the upper ballast bloke? :eek:
Added later: I forgot to say that there will be no forward flip because the driver has tilted way back and moves the center of gravity backwards as he raises his peculiar cargo...

/Claes

Yes... Good summary, with one exception: There will be no forward flip.

Hint: Would anyone care to guess what might happen when the topmost forklift unloads what it's carrying? Particularly concerning the upper ballast bloke? :eek:

/Claes

Its simple! He pushes against the upper forklift, thereby preventing it from falling backwards off the lower forklift.

Hope he has a strong back!

Its either a #10 or a #29!

Its either a #10 or a #29!I'd say both... You know, that list has the potential to complicate the professional jargon a whole lot.

/Claes

Its either a #10 or a #29!
Here's a nice little party trick to amuse your friends with.

So: #?

/Claes

I'd say #2 or #17 - but didn't make it through the whole list!

Here's a nice little party trick to amuse your friends with.

So: #?

/Claes

Think this guy did a lot of Coke and has no sinuses left? Oh, that's another thread! :vfunny:

Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht frist and lsat ltteer is at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we do not raed ervey lteter by it slef but the wrod as a wlohe.

ceehiro

Wndey

Iltnsegnetiry I'm sdutynig tihs crsrootaivnel pnoheenmon at the Dptmnearet of Liuniigctss at Absytrytewh Uivsreitny and my exartrnairdoy doisiervecs waleoetderhlhy cndairotct the picsbeliud fdnngiis rrgdinaeg the rtlvaeie dfuictlify of ialtnstny ttalrisanng steennces. My rsceeerhars deplveeod a cnionevent ctnoiaptorn at hnasoa/tw.nartswdbvweos/utrtep:k./il taht dosnatterems that the hhpsteyios uuiqelny wrtaarns criieltidby if the aoussmpitn that the prreoecandpne of your wrods is not eendetxd is uueniqtolnabse. Aoilegpos for aidnoptg a cdocianorttry vwpiienot but, ttoheliacrley spkeaing, lgitehnneng the words can mnartafucue an iocnuurgons samenttet that is vlrtiauly isbpilechmoenrne.

Or, if you prefer...

Interestingly I'm studying this controversial phenomenon at the Department of Linguistics at Aberystwyth University and my extraordinary discoveries wholeheartedly contradict the publicised findings regarding the relative difficulty of instantly translating sentences. My researchers developed a convenient contraption at http://www.aardvarkbusiness.net/tool that demonstrates that the hypothesis uniquely warrants credibility if the assumption that the preponderance of your words is not extended is unquestionable. Apologies for adopting a contradictory viewpoint but, theoretically speaking, lengthening the words can manufacture an incongruous statement that is virtually incomprehensible. :)

OK, I'm working thru the MSA manual for the first time and I need a break. This describes my situation and probably a lot of others' here:

A small bird decides that he is not going to fly south for the winter, despite the urging of his friends. "I'm warm and happy here and I spent all summer building this nest," he says, " and I'm not leaving. The bird enjoys a few weeks of uncrowded skies and easy access to the local bird feeders. Finally, the harsh reality of winter begins to set in. The bird decides that his buddies had been right all along and starts out on the long journey south.

Shortly, the sky darkens and an early ice storm begins. The little bird becomes very frightened as his wings ice up and it gets more and more difficult to fly. Finally, he crash lands into a barnyard. He is lamenting his poor choice, "I'm going to freeze to death here in this barnyard, just for a few extra weeks in my nest and a fully stocked buffet." Just then, a large bovine creature walks by and relieves himself of a large pie, right on top of the poor bird. "That's just great," thinks the bird, "I was already freezing to death but now I'm going to suffocate even faster!" Immediately the bird realizes that his initial impression of the cow was wrong: "My wings are beginning to defrost in this warm pile, I just might survive!" The bird is so happy he begins to sing with his freshly thawed voice. "Chirp, chirp, CHIRP!!"

Alas, his vocal celebration catches the attention of the resident barn cat. The tabby comes over to investigate all of this joyous song, digs the bird out of the cow flop and eats him. There are three morals to be learned from this:

1. Everyone who s**ts on you is not necessarily your enemy.
2. Everyone who digs you out of a pile of s*** is not necessarily your friend.
3. If you are warm and happy in a pile of s***, keep your big mouth shut. :smokin:

May the fleas of a thousand camels infest the crotch of the person who
screws up your day and may their arms be too short to scratch.

May the fleas of a thousand camels infest the crotch of the person who
screws up your day and may their arms be too short to scratch.

may your bleeding piles torment

may corns adorn your feet

may crabs as big as coconuts sit on your **** and eat

and when you're old and feeble

and a syphilletic wreck

may your spine fall through your a-hole

and break your f*****g neck! :vfunny: :(

In the Beginning there was The Plan.

And then came the Assumptions.

And the Assumptions were without Form.

And the Plan was completely without Substance.

And The Darkness was upon the face of The Workers.

And they Spake among Themselves, Saying, "It is a Crock of S***, And it
Stinkith."

And The Workers went unto their Supervisors and Sayeth, "It is a Pail of
Dung and none may Abide the Odor Thereof."

And the Supervisors went unto their Managers and Sayeth unto them, "It
is a Container of Excrement and It is very strong, Such that None may
Abide by It."

And the Managers went unto their Directors and Sayeth, "It is a Vessel
of Fertilizer, and None may Abide Its Strength."

And the Directors spoke amongst Themselves, Saying One to Another, "It
contains That Which Aids Plant Growth, and It is Very Strong."

And the Directors went unto the Vice Presidents and Sayeth unto Them,
"It promotes Growth and is Very Powerful."

And the Vice Presidents went unto the President and Sayeth unto Him,
"This New Plan will actively promote the Growth and Efficiency of This
Company, and These Areas in Particular."

And The President looked upon The Plan And Saw that It Was Good.

And The Plan Became Policy.

Sounds like policy of how 3rd party registration plans got started

QUOTE: "Iltnsegnetiry I'm sdutynig tihs crsrootaivnel pnoheenmon at the Dptmnearet of Liuniigctss at Absytrytewh Uivsreitny and my exartrnairdoy doisiervecs waleoetderhlhy cndairotct the picsbeliud fdnngiis rrgdinaeg the rtlvaeie dfuictlify of ialtnstny ttalrisanng steennces. My rsceeerhars deplveeod a cnionevent ctnoiaptorn at hnasoa/tw.nartswdbvweos/utrtep:k./il taht dosnatterems that the hhpsteyios uuiqelny wrtaarns criieltidby if the aoussmpitn that the prreoecandpne of your wrods is not eendetxd is uueniqtolnabse. Aoilegpos for aidnoptg a cdocianorttry vwpiienot but, ttoheliacrley spkeaing, lgitehnneng the words can mnartafucue an iocnuurgons samenttet that is vlrtiauly isbpilechmoenrne.

Or, if you prefer...

Interestingly I'm studying this controversial phenomenon at the Department of Linguistics at Aberystwyth University and my extraordinary discoveries wholeheartedly contradict the publicised findings regarding the relative difficulty of instantly translating sentences. My researchers developed a convenient contraption at http://www.aardvarkbusiness.net/tool that demonstrates that the hypothesis uniquely warrants credibility if the assumption that the preponderance of your words is not extended is unquestionable. Apologies for adopting a contradictory viewpoint but, theoretically speaking, lengthening the words can manufacture an incongruous statement that is virtually incomprehensible. "

******
Wahetevr!

Don't pass out early with drunk friends around!

The last person you would want to hit!

Coffee and frozen pizzas can be made on a BBQ grill

No matter how many times you flick the switch, lights don't work
without electricity

My car gets 23.21675 miles per gallon, EXACTLY (you can ask the people
in line who helped me push it)

Kids can survive 4 days or longer without a video game controller in
their hand

He who has the biggest generator wins

Women can actually survive without doing their hair -- you just wish
they weren't around you

A new method of non-lethal torture -- cold showers

Dominion Virginia Power and VDOT are the same company -- not really,
but their abilities to plan are strikingly similar

There are a lot more stars in the sky than most people thought

TV is an addiction and the withdrawal symptoms are painful

A 7 lb bag of ice will chill six beverages of your choice to a
drinkable
temperature in 11 minutes, and still keep a 14 pound turkey frozen for
8 more hours

There are a lot of trees around here

Flood plain drawings on some mortgage documents were seriously wrong

Contrary to most Hampton Roads natives' beliefs, speed limits on roads
without traffic lights does not increase

Aluminum siding, while aesthetically pleasing, is definitely not
required

Just because you're 40 doesn't mean you can stay out as late as you
want.
At least that's what the Hampton cops said during a curfew stop.

Crickets can increase their volume to overcome the sound of 14
generators

People will get into a line that has already formed without having any
idea what the line is for

When required, a Lincoln Continental will float; it doesn't steer well,
but it floats just the same

Some things do keep the mailman from his appointed rounds

Cell phones work when land lines are down, but only as long as the
battery remains charged

27 of your neighbors are fed from a different transformer than you, and
they are quick to point that out!

Hampers can only contain a certain amount of clothes

If I had a store that sold only ice, chain saws, gas and
generators...I'd be rich

Price of peanut butter and bread rises 200% in a storm

Your waterfront property can quickly become someone else's fishing hole

Tree service companies are under appreciated

I learned what happens when you make fun of another state's blackout

MATH 101: 30 days in a month, minus 6 days without power equals 30%
higher electric bill ?????

Drywall is a compound word, take away the 'dry" part and its worthless

I can walk a lot farther than I thought

7 mile stretch of "new" road by Coliseum doesn't drain properly...wait,
I learned that 2 months ago

Water will indeed fill the Midtown tunnel if the floodgates aren't shut
during a flood. I was pretty sure that was true but it has now been
proven.

The only good thing about not having telephones -- you haven't had a
call
from a telemarketer lately, have you?

To add to what SM just provided us and after spending a week in Portsmouth/Norfolk, VA I can add:

* Credit card machines and ATM are not storm proof
* Hotels leak from the inside out
* Open 24/7 doesn't count after hurricanes

-- It's really quite at night
-- Walking distance to the beach can become ocean front property
-- Sea foam is nasty

For anyone planning on moving up to the Detroit Area! :biglaugh:

Who thought of this???

Who thought of this???

The same guy who found out you could get high from licking a toad. :vfunny:

The same guy who found out you could get high from licking a toad. :vfunny:
So what's next, some sort of sensor that will play video game sounds, flashing lights and high point awards?????????
:biglaugh:

Who thought of this???

Recently, we were watching a movie where there was a gender switch and the male body (containing the female) tried to sit in a stand up urinal and jumped up because of the ice. My wife asked me if there is really ice put in there. :vfunny: I said sure, lots of places. She asked why. I said to make snow cones! :vfunny:

So what's next, some sort of sensor that will play video game sounds, flashing lights and high point awards?????????
:biglaugh:
Already done. See links :vfunny:

http://abcnews.go.com/sections/scitech/US/techtv_urinalgame030620.html


http://www.media.mit.edu/physics/pedagogy/fab/fab_2002/personal_pages/hayes/mit.edu/urinecontrol-photos2.html

Already done. See links



Where's the coin slot? Its no fun without a coin slot! That way you can win free flushes. :thedeal:

Now that there have been several bear sightings in Massachusetts, the State
Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers, hunters, fishermen and
anyone living near a wooded area to be on the alert.

They advise people in those areas to wear noise-producing devices such as
little bells on their clothing to alert but not startle the bears
unexpectedly.

They also advise carrying pepper spray in case of an encounter with a
bear. It is also a good idea to watch for signs of bear activity.

People should be able to recognize the difference between black bear and
grizzly bear droppings.

Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berries and possibly squirrel
fur.

Grizzly bear droppings have bells in them and smell like pepper spray.

Come on now db,
You know how tough it would be to hit the coin slot!? :eek:

Who thought of this???
It was probably some really creative Swedish guy that knows both the quality assurance industry and human psychology. ;)

Here is a good excuse when someone asks why something isn't done. Just tell them that you are not forgetfull or incompetent, but you are a unitasking person in a multitasking world. :p

Subject: The Spoon

A timeless lesson on how consultants can make a difference for an
organization...

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that
the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed
a little strange.

When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a
spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around saw that all the staff had
spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"

"Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Anderson Consulting to
revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded
that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop
frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are
better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and
save 15 man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with
his spare.

I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the
waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same
string hanging from their flies.

So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me
why you have that string right there?"

"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant."

"That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in
the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull
it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands,
shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent."

"After you get it out, how do you put it back?"

"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."

My dad was bragging about his brand new, high tech, custom fitted, ultra-senstive hearing aid. "It's so sensitive that I can hear a butterfly's wings flapping on the the other side of my yard, in a windstorm," he raved.

"What kind is it?" I asked politely.

He looked at his watch and responded, "About a quarter til two."

Thoughts for the day:
Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.

There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.

When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It make the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

If you can't be kind at least have the decency to be vague.

A penny saved is a government oversight.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

He who hesitates is probably right.

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really, really in trouble.

Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "THEIR'S"?

Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are "XL"

Credit: Randy Travesty's Stupid Joke of the Day.

A married couple had been fighting for a couple of days - ending in the silent treatment. The husband, realizing that he would need his wifes help getting up for a fishing trip - and not wanting to be the first one to give in and break the silence, left his wife a note on the refridgerator: "Wake me up at 5:00AM"

The next morning he wakes up to sunlight streaming in through the windows, it was 8:30, he was furious that he had missed his fishing trip. Ready to go confront his wife, he noticed a piece of paper on the nightstand. It was a note from his wife: "It's 5:00AM".

Hopefully each of these guys are still living, but I do have to wonder. :bonk:

Hopefully each of these guys are still living, but I do have to wonder. :bonk:

Holy moley! All will no doubt be Darwin award candidates soon! Unbelievable!

Good thing we have OSHA.

Good thing we have OSHA.

I think that's the first time I've ever heard that! :eek:

New Words
BLAMESTORMING-- Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

SEAGULL MANAGER-- A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything and then leaves.

ASSMOSIS-- The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

SALMON DAY-- The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.

CUBE FARM-- An office filled with cubicles.

PRAIRIE DOGGING-- When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

MOUSE POTATO-- The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

SITCOMs -- Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.

STRESS PUPPY-- A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiney.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE-- The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

ADMINISPHERE-- The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

404-- Someone who's clueless. (From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found", meaning that the requested document could not be located.)

OHNOSECOND-- That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you’ve just made a BIG mistake.

WOOFies-- Well Off Older Folks

CROP DUSTING-- Surreptitiously farting while passing through a cube farm, then enjoying the sounds of dismay and disgust -- leads to PRAIRIE DOGGING.

The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from generation to generation, says that, "When you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount."

However, in modern business, education and government, a whole range of far more advanced strategies are often employed, such as:

1. Buying a stronger whip.

2. Changing riders.

3. Threatening the horse with termination.

4. Appointing a committee to study the horse.

5. Arranging to visit other countries to see how others ride dead horses.

6. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.

7. Reclassifying the dead horse as "living impaired."

8. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.

9. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase the speed.

10. Providing additional funding and/or training to increase the dead horse's performance.

11. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the dead horse's performance.

12. Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less costly, carries lower overhead and therefore contributes substantially more to the bottom line of the economy than do some other horses.

13. Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses.

14. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position.

A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly t 8:00 am. The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.
The Foreman from the assembly line throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire plant behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides that he should see this for himself so the two men march down to the factory floor.
When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Elmos all over the floor and they're really beg! inning to pile up.
At the end of the line stands the new employee.
She has a roll of red plush fabric and a big bag of marbles. The men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to sew the little package between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches the woman.
"I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face," but I think you misunderstood me yesterday. Your job is to give each Elmo two test tickles."

Do you think they're certified.


Got this in an e-mail from a friend


My Aunt died this past January. CitiBank billed her for February and March for their monthly service charge on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge...the balance had been $0.00...now was somewhere around $60.00).

I placed the following phone call to CitiBank:

Me: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."

CitiBank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."

Me: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections..."

CitiBank: "Since it is 2 months past due, it already has been."

Me: "So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"

CitiBank: "Either report her account to the frauds division, or report her to the credit bureau...maybe both!"

Me: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"

CitiBank:"...excuse me .....?"

Me: "Did you just get what I was telling you.... the part about her being dead?"

CitiBank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor!"

(Supervisor gets on the phone)

Me: ''I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."

CitiBank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."

Me: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"

CitiBank: ".....(stammer)" .... "Are you her lawyer?"

Me: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given... )

CitiBank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"

Me: "Sure." ( Fax number is given )

( After they get the fax. )

CitiBank: "Our system just isn't setup for death..."

Me: "Oh..."

CitiBank: "I don't know what more I can do to help..."

Me: "Well... if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her...I suppose...don't really think she will care...."

CitiBank: "Well...the late fees and charges do still apply."

Me: "'Would you like her new billing address?"

CitiBank: "That might help."

Me: " ( Odessa Memorial Cemetery #### Hwy 129 and plot number given.)




CitiBank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"



Me: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?!!"

The Thoughtful Son...

The first son said "I had a big house built for Mama."
The second son said "I had a $100,000 theater built in the house."
The third son said "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver a SL600 with chauffeur."

The fourth son said, "Listen to this. You know how Mama loved reading the Bible. And you know, too, she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this minister who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took twenty ministers 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the church. Let me tell you...it was worth it. All Mama has to do is name a chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."

The other brothers were impressed.


After the holidays Mom sent out her Thank You notes. She wrote:

Milton, The house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway.

Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes...and the driver you hired is a Nazi. The thought was good. Thanks.

Milhouse, You give me an expensive theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you just the same.

Dearest Melvin, You were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you.

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and
everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced; he decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise. They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done. The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too." Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted. This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his rear end off. Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy calms down and says......"Make 'em all ugly again".
:vfunny:

Wrong E-mail Address :bonk:

A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida for a long weekend to thaw out during one particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the very same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years ago.

Because both had jobs, they found it difficult coordinating their travel schedules. It was decided that the husband would fly to Florida on a Thursday, and his wife would follow him the next day.

Upon arriving as planned, the husband checked into the hotel. In his room there was a computer, so he decided to send his wife an e-mail back in Minneapolis. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her address, and sent the e-mail without realizing his error.

In Houston, a widow had just returned from her husband's funeral. The dearly departed was a minister of many years who had been called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow checked her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. Upon reading the first message, she fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived.

I know you are surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

PS: Sure is hot down here!

The Barking Dog

It is common practice in England to ring a telephone by signaling extra voltage across one side of the two wire circuit and ground (earth in England). When the subscriber answers the phone, it switches to the two wire circuit for conversation. This method allows two parties on the same line to be signaled without disturbing each other.

Anyway, an elderly lady with several pets called to say that her telephone failed to ring when her friends called and on the few occasions when it did ring her dog always barked first just before the ring. Pat proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog.

He climbed the nearby pole, hooked his test set to the lady's line, and dialed the number. The phone didn't ring. He tried again. The dog barked loudly, followed by a ringing telephone. Climbing down the pole the amazed Pat found:

The dog was tied to the telephone systems ground post via a metal chain and collar.

The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current.

After several such jolts, the dog would start barking and urinating on the ground.

The wet ground now completed the circuit and the phone would ring.

Like most of you, I get spam offering prescription drugs, cheap mortgages, and software to spy on everyone. I almost deleted this one without reading it. The kicker, of course, [deleted here] was a pitch to buy Viagra via the internet. (Sent from an untrackable email address, of course.)

All work & no play...


The boss of Star Marketing called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. When everyone gathered, the employer, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt-out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest. The theme was Viagra advertising slogans. The only rule was that they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for other products, that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight variations were acceptable. About 7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top Ten List. After all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for everyone.



THE TOP TEN:

10. Viagra, Whaazzzzz Up!

9. Viagra, The quicker pecker upper.

8. Viagra, Like a rock!

7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.

6. Viagra, Be all that you can be.

5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.

4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.

3. Viagra, Tastes great! More filling!

2. Viagra, We bring good things to life!

And the unanimous number one slogan...

1. This is your penis... This is your penis on drugs...

I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and
we'd decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my
friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend was a dream!

There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed. That one
thing was my fiance's younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was
twenty years old, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would
regularly bend down near me and I enjoyed many pleasant views of her
underwear. It had to be deliberate... I didn't notice her doing this
near anyone else.

One day the sister called and asked me to come over to check the
wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived and whispered to me
that
soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that
she
could not overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me--just
once--before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was
in total shock and couldn't say a word.

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go
ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in
shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top, she
pulled
down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for
a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the
door, stepped out of the house, and began walking directly toward my
car.

My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes,
he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little
test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to
our family!"

So, the moral of the story is:










Always keep your condoms in your car.

Shaken, not stirred?

Seeing Claes' Post reminded me of these safety awards:D

Dear Ma and Pa:

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before maybe all of the places are filled. I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m., but am getting so I like to sleep late.

Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men get to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water.

Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc. but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food. But tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.

We go on "route" marches, which the Platoon Sergeant says are long walks to
harden us. If he thinks so, it is not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice, but awful flat.

The Sergeant is like a schoolteacher. He nags some. The Capt. is like the school board. Majors and Colonels ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing.I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head
and don't move. And it ain't shooting at you, like the Higgett boys at home.
All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle
with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. He joined up the same time as me. But I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and weighs near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,

Gail

Seeking enlightenment? Don't try this....:eek:

/Claes

From a strictly mathematical viewpoint, it goes like this.

What makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?

We have all been to those meetings where someone wants to give over

100%.

How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Well, here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer

these questions.

If:

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q S R T Q X Y Z

Is represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then: H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K is 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E is 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But, A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E is 1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And, B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T is 2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far a$$ kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G is 1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can then conclude with mathematical certainty that while hard

work and knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there,

Bullsh1t and a$$ kissing will put you over the top.

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's butt."

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?
They're both dogs!

What do you call male ballerinas?

Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream??

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Stop singing and read on .

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Enjoy :bigwave:
Bill

The Gettysburg Address

Gettysburg, Pennsylvania
November 19, 1863




Four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent, a new nation, conceived in Liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal.
Now we are engaged in a great civil war, testing whether that nation, or any nation so conceived and so dedicated, can long endure. We are met on a great battle-field of that war. We have come to dedicate a portion of that field, as a final resting place for those who here gave their lives that that nation might live. It is altogether fitting and proper that we should do this.
But, in a larger sense, we can not dedicate -- we can not consecrate -- we can not hallow -- this ground. The brave men, living and dead, who struggled here, have consecrated it, far above our poor power to add or detract. The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here, but it can never forget what they did here. It is for us the living, rather, to be dedicated here to the unfinished work which they who fought here have thus far so nobly advanced. It is rather for us to be here dedicated to the great task remaining before us -- that from these honored dead we take increased devotion to that cause for which they gave the last full measure of devotion -- that we here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain -- that this nation, under God, shall have a new birth of freedom -- and that government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth.

Hey Cindy, thanks for your post.
I was fortunate enough to attend, and march in the Rememberance Day Parade in Gettysburg in 1997. There were at least 2,000 particpants in uniform, flags flying, bands playing, speeches made. Mostly by decendents of original Civil War units from both sides.
My wife and I then toured the battle field about dusk, and saw a ghost near the Devil's Den.

I have not attended the Remembrance Parade yet, but I have heard a lot about it. I have the patterns for the appropriate costumes just have not made them yet. We cannot visit without having the appropriate clothes to wear.

Cindy, you are absolutely correct. Appropriate, period attire is essential to get the full effect, and participation.
Good for you, most ladies just go buy their period clothes from various sutlers.

If you buy it, it is only a costume.

We (me) have always made our own costumes for what ever event. That is the only way to truly appreciate the event. We were on the front page of our local news years ago because our family dressed for the Renaissance Festival. It took me two months to make all the costumes and a small fourtune in material. Our children still talk about that experience and how much fun they had. I treasure the pictues.

An Irishman an Englishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar in Sydney. The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, the food exceptional.

"Y'know," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. "Why in Glasgow there's a little bar called McTavish's. Now the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy your drinks he will buy the fifth drink for you."

"Well, chaps" said the Englishman, "At my local, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, that's nuttin'" said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin there's Ryan's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then when you've had enough drinks they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house."

The Englishman and Scotsman immediately poured scorn on the Irishman's claims - but he swore every word was true. "Well" said the Englishman, "Did this actually happen to you." "No, not me meself, personally, no," said the Irishman. "But it did happen to me sister.

An Irishman an Englishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar in Sydney. The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, the food exceptional.

"Y'know," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. "Why in Glasgow there's a little bar called McTavish's. Now the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy your drinks he will buy the fifth drink for you."

"Well, chaps" said the Englishman, "At my local, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, that's nuttin'" said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin there's Ryan's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then when you've had enough drinks they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house."

The Englishman and Scotsman immediately poured scorn on the Irishman's claims - but he swore every word was true. "Well" said the Englishman, "Did this actually happen to you." "No, not me meself, personally, no," said the Irishman. "But it did happen to me sister.

From the rules thread.....Pandora's Box lid isn't shut all the way. :caution:
"Think before you post - would you want your children, Pastor, Mom, or Boss seeing what you're about to post?

My Friends, I give you... THE DUMBEST GUY ON EARTH! This picture is real - not doctored in anyway - and was taken last week by a Transportation Supervisor for a company that delivers building materials for 84 Lumber. When he saw it in the parking lot of IHOP, he went and bought a camera to take pictures.

The car is still running, as can be witnessed by the exhaust. A woman is either asleep or otherwise out in the front seat passenger side. The guy driving it was jogging up and down on Rt. 925. (in the background) Witnesses said their physical state was OTHER than normal. The driver finally came back after the police were called, and was found crouched behind the rear of the car, attempting to cut the twine around the load! Luckily, the police stopped him and had the load removed.

The materials were loaded at Home Depot. Their store manager said they had the customer sign a waiver. While the plywood and 2X4s are fairly obvious, what you can't see is the back seat, which contains -- are you ready for this? -- 10 bags of concrete @ 80 lbs. each. They estimated the load weight at 3000 lbs.

Both back tires exploded, the wheels bent and the back shocks were driven through the floorboard. The car, with FL plates, was headed for Annapolis, where the couple presumably planned to build a new house in which to smoke their crack.

Re: dumbest guy on Earth ...

Never EVER underestimate the depth of human stupidity!

Graeme

Took me a few read-throughs to get the humour in this...but once I did, got a much-needed chuckle...

"The International Standards Organization (ISO) and the International Electrotechnical Commission (IEC) designated Oct. 4 as World Standards Day to recognize those volunteers who have worked hard to define international standards ... The United States celebrated World Standards Day on Oct. 1 ; Finland celebrated on Oct. 3; and Italy celebrated on Oct. 8."

You know you're a real auditor when...


You have the family org chart posted on the refrigerator
Your kids have a training matrix show what must be accomplished in order to reach their next birthday!
You ask to see the Gage R&R before you allow your blood pressure to be checked
You consider yourself well dressed if your socks match
You buy your spouse the complete set of ISO 9000:2000, or the AIAG Supplier Seven Pack
You can write and talk at the same time, use ergonomic pens, but still get writer's cramp
You have a non-ISO/QS vocabulary of 800 words
You have a checklist for everything
You can cite the ISO 9001 standard and the QS-9000 requirements, right down to the sub-clause, but not your own shirt size
You issue nonconformities to everyone including hotels, airlines, restaurants, rental car agencies, your paperboy, etc. whether you are auditing them or not
You say, "How do you know that?", "Do you have any objective evidence to support that?" when all they say was, "Gee, isn't it a nice day?"
You speak and they get the feeling that they're having a conversation with the IRS or Detective Columbo
You can read any and all documents upside down and right to left
You know the ABC's of compromise from A to B
You leave you car running and facing away from the building during the closing or wrap-up meeting
Your briefcase contains a Phillips screwdriver, a copy of both ISO 9001:1994 and ISO 9001:2000, a copy of QS-9000, half of a peanut butter sandwich and a Snicker bar
You really don't find any of the above all that funny!

Top Ten Signs You've Hired a Bad Registrar
10. Assessors accompany you to the audit wearing a giant bunny suit
9. The invoice arrives before the audit team does
8. Your registrar sends your quality manual back with Bible verses taped to selected pages, and a note that says, ""You ain't got a prayer!"
7. The lead auditor is arrested for picking through your dumpster the night before the opening meeting
6. Your registrar develops new bionic noncompliance reports which are generated by brain waves as the auditor drives by your plant
5. Your assessor interviews on the challenged and disgruntled employees
4. Your lead auditor demonstrates your defective products at the closing meeting, then tries to sell them to the highest bidder
3. Your lead auditor offers to buy you a coffee when you already have one
2. The lead auditor presents your CEO with several Wash 'n Wipes as he scans the latest management review records
1. Your lead auditor infects you network with a virus when the audit report is downloaded from the laptop

Other signs: Your auditor attempts to obtain permission for wiretaps during the surveillance audit.
Your auditor begins the surveillance audit by sitting across the street in a van with heavily tinted windows.

Top Ten Signs You've Been Working Too Hard on Your Registration
10. While ordering a Happy Meal at McDonalds drive-through, you were able to incorporate the words empower, paradigm, and systemic.
9. Tattooed on you left arm is a fishbone chart, and on your right arm, a pareto chart.
8. As part of your prenuptial agreement, you have asked your fiancée for a copy of her complaint files, and you have begun referring to her mother as a “subcontractor”.
7. Several of your employees think that Malcolm BALDridge was the first president of the Hair Club for Men.
6. You have set up a quarantine area in your kitchen for meals prepared by your spouse that do not meet your specifications!
5. Your quality consultant thinks that carving his initials on the picnic table outside your office is what is referred to as “benchmarking”.
4. Your quality manager thinks the term “re-engineering” is something that happens after two trains collide.
3. Your management representative has confused Juran and Deming with Bartles and James.
2. Before leaving your car at the local garage for a tune-up, you ask to see your mechanic’s procedures and work instructions.
1. Your household was certified to ISO 9000 before your plant was!

Took me a few read-throughs to get the humour in this...but once I did, got a much-needed chuckle...

"The International Standards Organization (ISO) and the International Electrotechnical Commission (IEC) designated Oct. 4 as World Standards Day to recognize those volunteers who have worked hard to define international standards ... The United States celebrated World Standards Day on Oct. 1 ; Finland celebrated on Oct. 3; and Italy celebrated on Oct. 8."

LOL!! That is funny!

PROCEDURE IN CASE OF IMMINENT ASTEROID IMPACT

On receipt of an "Imminent Asteroid Impact 3 Day Warning", the following procedure applies.

BEFORE/DURING THE IMPACT

Non-essential staff may apply for annual leave covering all or part of the 3 day period; this will be granted at the discretion of their project manager and only if it does not impact project schedules, delivery timetables or the normal functioning of the company. Where an employee has no remaining annual leave, the manager may, at his discretion, grant special leave. This will be unpaid and in the event of survival, the time must be made up within the first 2 weeks after returning to work. Staff closest to the estimated impact site will be given preferential treatment in the matter of leave.

Essential staff may also apply for leave, but this may be refused in order that project timescales are met and the company accounts are brought up-to-date and filed in time for the impact.

Where annual or special leave is refused, an employee may obtain sick leave on presentation of a doctor's certificate stating that the employee is suffering undue stress at the thought of imminent and major destruction of life and property in the immediate vicinity.

Where the employee intends to move to safer ground e.g. to another country, please contact HR Dept regarding Voluntary Severance.
While we are sympathetic to employees wanting to reach their families as soon as possible, the site speed limit must be observed during emergency evacuation.

For those employees opting to remain at work, remember that the company telephone system must NOT be used to make calls home. Please use the pay-phone in the staff restaurant.

METEOR SHOWERS

In the days prior to asteroid collision, we can expect meteor showers. Any impact craters in the car parking areas will be marked with yellow paint, but please be alert for potholes as these constitute a "trip hazard". Any member of staff falling into a crater or pothole is required to fill out an accident form. Staff attempting to remove meteorites which are causing an obstruction must follow safe handling guidelines e.g. two-person lift.

Fires caused by flaming meteors must be tackled in accordance with company procedures. Fire procedures are posted on each floor in the vicinity of the entrance/exit doorways. Only tackle a fire if you can do so without endangering yourself and after evacuating the immediate area and take care to select the appropriate type of fire extinguisher. Good housekeeping will reduce the likelihood of fire i.e. keep your immediate area free of clutter, particularly combustible items.

Broken windows and fallen glass must be reported to Site Services promptly.

FOLLOWING THE IMPACT

Staff in the impact zone will be entitled to one half-day's compassionate leave for each family member killed. This is limited to: spouse, parent, child or sibling. Time off for more distant relatives (e.g. grandparent, stepchild, uncle) must be taken from the employee's annual leave or dealt with outside of flexible working hours.

Staff in the proximity zone must deal with family fatalities outside of works time.
Cleaning and catering staff must report to site (see note below) immediately after impact, or immediately after cessation of any resulting flood, firestorm, earth tremor or volcanic eruption. This will ensure the site is cleaned up ready for the return to work.

All other staff must report to site on time the next working day after the impact. Where roads or rail link are damaged, staff should allow extra time for their journey. All absences must be accounted for.

Note: In the event of the company's site being in the impact zone or otherwise destroyed (e.g. by the resulting flood, fire, volcanic eruption or earth tremor); staff are required to report to the site's lat/long position to help in the salvage and clear up operation. It is imperative that normal operation is restored as soon as possible. Your lat/long position is <co-ordinates>. You will shortly be issued with your GPS and this will be deducted from your next wage packet.

WORKING DURING THE ASTEROID IMPACT

Some staff may choose to work throughout the period of the impact. Other essential staff will be required to work during this period. The following guidelines apply.

Please save your work regularly as a power failure may occur during, or immediately after, impact.

You may watch the actual impact through the window, on webcast or TV during lunchtime. If the impact occurs during working hours, you will be required to clock out at the beginning and clock back in again afterwards. You must make up any lost time. In the instance of a direct hit on the site, clocking will become optional. Please make a note of the time instead.

If the impact is directly on your home, you may not leave work immediately. Please wait until normal close of day. After all - it's not as though you'd be able to do anything.

The staff restaurant will be closed. The vending machines next to the restaurant will be put on free vend for the day, but once emptied will not be refilled. Please do not bring alcoholic drinks on site. The staff restaurant remains a "No Smoking" area.

EXCLUSIONS

The return to work guidelines will be waived in the case of the extinction of all life, either on a planet-wide scale or within a 1000 mile radius of work.

QUALITY ASSURANCE

Our ISO 9000 (Quality) and ISO 14000 (Environmental) certifications are important! Impending asteroid collision is no reason to let our quality standards slip. The QA department will operate as normal up to and during the time of impact. We realise that an asteroid collision may be a distraction, but it's no reason to fall behind with your paperwork or let good housekeeping practices fall by the wayside!

OCCUPATIONAL HEALTH

This will be open to treat cuts, bruises, burns etc. Please memorise the location of first aid kits, eye-wash stations etc and the name of your local First Aider(s). All members of security are registered First Aiders. For more major injuries e.g. loss of limbs, please attend the Accident & Emergency Dept of the local hospital. Remember to advise your Time and Attendance clerk and clock out before you go.

The company would like to take this opportunity to thank everyone for their hard work over the previous trading quarter. We wish employees and their families all the best for the Armageddon period and reminds you to enjoy Armageddon in a safe manner. Remember: don't drink and drive!

Do you know any of these folks?

Subject: Senior Personal Ads

Some "Senior" personal ads seen in Florida and Arizona newspapers: Who says seniors don't have a sense of humor?

FOXY LADY: Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired
beauty, 80's slim,5'-4" (used to be 5-6),
searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing
companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus.

LONG-TERM COMMITMENT: Recent widow who has
just buried fourth husband looking for someone
to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness,
fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.

SERENITY NOW: I am into solitude, long walks,
sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you are
the silent type, let's get together, take our
hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.

WINNING SMILE: Active grandmother with original
teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks,
corn on the cob and caramel candy.

BEATLES OR STONES? I still
like to rock, still like to cruise in my
Camaro on Saturday nights and still
like to play the guitar. If you were a groovy chick,
or are now a groovy hen, let's get together and
listen to my eight-track tapes.

MINT CONDITION: Male, 1922, high mileage, good
condition, some hair, many new parts including hip,
knee, cornea, valves. Isn't in running condition,
but walks well.

MEMORIES: I can usually remember Monday through
Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday
and Sunday, let's put our two heads together.

Remember when grandparents and great-grandparents stated that they only had an 8th grade education?

Well, check this out. Could any of us have passed the 8th grade in 1895? (LOOK CLOSELY... THAT'S EIGHTEEN NINETY FIVE!)
This is the eighth-grade final exam from 1895 in Salina, Kansas, USA. It was taken from the original document on file at the Smokey Valley Genealogical Society and Library in Salina, KS, and reprinted by the Salina Journal

8th Grade Final Exam: Salina, KS -1895 ********************************
Grammar (Time, one hour)
1. Give nine rules for the use of capital letters.
2. Name the parts of speech and define those that have no modifications.
3. Define verse, stanza and paragraph.
4. What are the principal parts of a verb? Give principal parts of "lie," "play,"' and "run."
5. Define case; Illustrate each case.
6. What is punctuation? Give rules for principal marks of punctuation.
7 - 10. Write a composition of about 150 words and show therein that you understand the practical use of the rules of grammar.

*****************************************
Arithmetic (Time, 1.25 hours)
1. Name and define the Fundamental Rules of Arithmetic.
2. A wagon box is 2 ft. deep, 10 feet long, and 3 ft. wide. How many bushels of wheat will it hold?
3. If a load of wheat weighs 3942 lbs., what is it worth at 50cts/bushel, deducting 1050 lbs. for tare?
4. District No. 33 has a valuation of $35,000. What is the necessary levy to carry on a school seven months at $50 per month, and have $104 for incidentals?
5. Find the cost of 6720 lbs. coal at $6.00 per ton.
6. Find the interest of $512.60 for 8 months and 18 days at 7 percent.
7. What is the cost of 40 boards 12 inches wide and 16 ft. long at $20 per metre?
8. Find bank discount on $300 for 90 days (no grace) at 10 percent.
9. What is the cost of a square farm at $15 per acre, the distance of which is 640 rods?
10. Write a Bank Check, a Promissory Note, and a Receipt.


********************************************
U.S. History (Time, 45 minutes)
1. Give the epochs into which U.S. History is divided.
2. Give an account of the discovery of America by Columbus.
3. Relate the causes and results of the Revolutionary War.
4. Show the territorial growth of the United States.
5. Tell what you can of the history of Kansas.
6. Describe three of the most prominent battles of the Rebellion.
7. Who were the following: Morse, Whitney, Fulton, Bell, Lincoln, Penn, and Howe?
8. Name events connected with the following dates: 1607, 1620, 1800, 1849, 1865.



*******************************************
Orthography (Time, one hour) (WHAT IS THIS ANYHOW?)
1. What is meant by the following: Alphabet, phonetic, orthography, etymology, syllabication?
2. What are elementary sounds? How classified?
3. What are the following, and give examples of each: Trigraph, subvocals, diphthong, cognate letters, linguals
4. Give four substitutes for caret 'u.' (HUH?)
5. Give two rules for spelling words with final 'e.' Name two exceptions under each rule.
6. Give two uses of silent letters in spelling. Illustrate each.
7. Define the following prefixes and use in connection with a word: bi, dis, mis, pre, semi, post, non, inter, mono, sup.
8. Mark diacritically and divide into syllables the following, and name the sign that indicates the sound: card, ball, mercy, sir, odd, cell, rise, blood, fare, last.
9. Use the following correctly in sentences: cite, site, sight, fane, fain, feign, vane, vain, vei! n, raze, raise, rays.
10. Write 10 words frequently mispronounced and indicate pronunciation by use of diacritical marks and by syllabication.



*********************************************
Geography (Time, one hour)
1. What is climate? Upon what does climate depend?
2. How do you account for the extremes of climate in Kansas?
3. Of what use are rivers? Of what use is the ocean?
4. Describe the mountains of North America.
5. Name and describe the following: Monrovia, Odessa, Denver, Manitoba, Hecla, Yukon, St. Helena, Juan Fernandez, Aspinwall and Orinoco.
6. Name and locate the principal trade centers of the U.S.
7. Name all the republics of Europe and give the capital of each.
8. Why is the Atlantic Coast colder than the Pacific in the same latitude?
9. Describe the process by which the water of the ocean returns to the sources of rivers.
10. Describe the movements of the earth. Give the inclination of the earth.

**********************************************
Notice that the exam took SIX HOURS to complete. Gives the saying "he only
had an 8th grade education" a whole new meaning, doesn't it?!
:eek: :eek:

:bonk: Interesting analogy of product development practices (in terms of a baked potato). Read the story below and tell me if it's not right on the
money....


How a Honda employee bakes a potato:

* Preheat new, high-quality oven to 350 F
* Insert a 1.0 lb Idaho potato
* Go do something productive for 45 minutes
* Check for doneness, then remove perfectly baked potato from oven and
serve


How a Ford employee bakes a potato:

* Conduct market test with suppliers in Mexico, Brazil, and Turkistan to
supply 0.75 lb potatoes, choose lowest cost supplier with best Wings tix
* Change to incumbent supplier of Idaho potatoes, insist they meet
Turkistan pricing with 3% annual price reductions
* Upgrade to 1.0 lb potato, insist supplier erred by pricing for 0.75 lbs
as instructed when he knows Honda uses 1.0 lb potatoes
* Instruct potato supplier to preheat the oven to 350 F
* Demand that the supplier show you how he turned the dial to reach 350 F,
and have him come up with documentation from the oven manufacturer proving
that it was calibrated properly
* Review documentation, then have supplier check the temperature using
sophisticated temperature probe
* Direct supplier to insert potato and set timer for 45 minutes
* Have supplier open oven to prove potato has been installed correctly,
and request a free study proving that 45 minutes is the ideal time to bake
a potato of this size and variability due to orientation within the oven
* Request a Six Sigma Study showing variable cook times for various potato
sizes and orientations
* Check potato for doneness after 10 minutes
* Check potato for doneness after 11 minutes
* Check potato for doneness after 12 minutes
* Become impatient with supplier (why is this simple potato taking so long
to bake?). Demand status reports every five minutes.
* Conduct Value Engineering session and new market test
* Change to 0.9 lb potato because customers will only notice if potato
weight is reduce to 0.85 lb
* Check potato for doneness after 15 minutes...
* After 35 minutes, conclude that potato is nearing completion. Pass
through Gate review reporting all Green status.
* Congratulate supplier, then update your boss on all the great work
you've done, despite having to work with such an uncooperative supplier
* Remove potato from oven after 40 minutes of baking, as a cost save
without loss of function or quality versus the original 45 minute baking
time.
* Serve potato
* Wonder aloud what on earth those Japanese folks are doing over there to
make such good, low-cost baked potatoes that people seem to like better
than Ford potatoes

Military Warning Labels

"Aim towards the Enemy." -Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher

"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend. -U.S. Marine Corps

"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are
guaranteed to always hit the ground." -U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop

"If the enemy is in range, so are you." -Infantry Journal

"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least
expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your
unit." -Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.

"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just
bombed." -U.S. Air Force Manual

"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo." -Infantry Journal

"Tracers work both ways." -U.S. Army Ordnance

"Five-second fuses only last three seconds." -Infantry Journal

"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid." --David Hackworth

"If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an
ambush."-Infantry Journal

"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection." -Joe Gay

"Any ship can be a minesweeper... once." -Anon

"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." -Unknown Marine
Recruit

"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you." -Your Buddies

"If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him."
-U.S.A.F.


Courtesy of my son, the former Marine,
Sue

You know you're a real auditor when...



Roxanne! Did you lift those from one of my sites?

The first two:
"You have the family org chart posted on the refrigerator
Your kids have a training matrix show what must be accomplished in order to reach their next birthday!"

Were given to me by Stew and the Blood Pressure I came up with.

:vfunny:

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the
possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical
engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an
electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical
connections." The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer.. Who
else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

:bonk: Interesting analogy of product development practices (in terms of a baked potato). Read the story below and tell me if it's not right on the
money....

How a Honda employee bakes a potato:
* Preheat new, high-quality oven to 350 F
.......
How a Ford employee bakes a potato:
* Conduct market test with suppliers in Mexico, Brazil, and Turkistan to
supply 0.75 lb potatoes, choose lowest cost supplier with best Wings tix
* Change to incumbent supplier of Idaho potatoes, insist they meet
....
I can't begin to say how true this is. Excellent!

I can't begin to say how true this is. Excellent!

I agree. This is so true.


* Review documentation, then have supplier check the temperature using
sophisticated temperature probe.

:ko: What no GR&R was done? It must have invalid results then!! :bonk:

Roxanne! Did you lift those from one of my sites?

The first two:
"You have the family org chart posted on the refrigerator
Your kids have a training matrix show what must be accomplished in order to reach their next birthday!"

Were given to me by Stew and the Blood Pressure I came up with.



Now, Dave, if I had taken them from your site, I would have given credit where credit was due. :) Or should that be "give blame where blame was due?" ;)

Got them off of a friend...now where she got them from, well, that I can not say...you know that whole "six degree of separation" theory right? Where everyone knows everyone by no more than six people?

Example: I, personally, do not know the Queen of England. However, I know someone, who knows someone, who knows someone, who knows someone, who knows the Queen of England.

It has been brought to my attention that I spelled your name wrong, Roxane. But considering I'm a hillbilly.....

It has been brought to my attention that I spelled your name wrong, Roxane. But considering I'm a hillbilly.....

I'll forgive you, Dave...this time. ;) Guess you read about my vengeful nature in the Chinese Zodiac thread? :D

I'll forgive you, Dave...this time. ;) Guess you read about my vengeful nature in the Chinese Zodiac thread? :D

Now why would I be afraid of a cross between a tiger and a scorpion?

We need a graphic for "Be very afraid". :vfunny:

Now why would I be afraid of a cross between a tiger and a scorpion?

We need a graphic for "Be very afraid". :vfunny:

That would be one tiger that you would surely not want to grab by the tail! :eek:

Just one question, really: Is this for real??? :eek:

/Claes

Just one question, really: Is this for real??? :eek:

/Claes

um, no.:( see snopes.com

An Urban legend... Yeah, I thought so... Thank's Steel

um, no.:( see snopes.com

Now, if we speak metaphorically, then some have been dead for years. My boss is still waiting for some level of production from me. :vfunny: :eek:

Now, if we speak metaphorically, then some have been dead for years. My boss is still waiting for some level of production from me. :vfunny: :eek:
I'm not dead, I'm just lazy!:biglaugh: But you can bet that I'll snatch that pay check from your hand when you walk by with it!

Anyone who doesn't belief in life after death should see this place at the end of the shift.

There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. :eek: However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish, or Buddhist religions, this reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to Population Reference Bureau). At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that comes to 108 million homes, presuming that there is at least one good child in each. Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the Earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with a good child, Santa has around 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh, and get on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the Earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept for the purposes of our calculations), we are now talking about 0.78 miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops or breaks. This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second
-- 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour. The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized Lego set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand tons, not counting Santa himself. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that a "flying" reindeer could pull ten times the normal amount, the job can't be done with eight or even nine of them. Santa would need 360,000 of them. This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch). 600,000 tons travelling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance -- this would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the Earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each. In short, they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second, or right about the time Santa reached the fifth house on his trip. Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from a dead stop to 650 miles per second in 0.001 seconds, would be subjected to centrifugal forces of 17,500 g's. A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink goo. Therefore, if Santa did exist, he's dead now. Merry Christmas! :bigwave:

That's why when Santa "lays his finger aside his nose" all logic (engineering) goes out the window.

Why We Love Children

1. A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead.

"How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil.

"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently.

You did WHAT ? ! ?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.

"You know,"explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."

2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father.

Five minutes later....."Da-ad...."

"What?"

"I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?"

"No, You had your chance. Lights out."

5 minutes later: "Da-aaaad....."

"WHAT?"

"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"

I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"

Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad....."

"WHAT!"

"When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"

3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"

The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'"

4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"

The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."

A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy."

5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said,

"That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?"

The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone,

"Yes, and my Mom says it's a b%*#@ to iron."

6 When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!"

I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy."

"I know," she replied, but what's growing in your butt?"

7 A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself,

"Two plus five, that son of a b$#%@ is seven.

Three plus six, that son of a b$#%@ is nine...."

His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"

The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."

"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.

"Yes," he answered.

Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?"

The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."

The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a b$#%@ is four?"

After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."

8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"

The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?"

One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy ****! A talking chicken!'"

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter."

Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown."

The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?"

She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."

10 A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?"

Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough."

The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?" :vfunny:

(ADMIN NOTE: I was asked to review this for the post author. I don't see any issue with the post. Pretty much Readers Digest level to me. -Marc 23Dec03)

Thanks Pyro, for those of us who had (has?) kids, we've seem much of that same type of logic.

Thanks Dave B. ( the other Dave ). Mine will be 3 yrs old in a couple of weeks. Seems like she was just 3 months a few days ago. She makes me laugh constantly !!! :vfunny:

Don't name a pig you plan to eat.

Country fences need to be horse high, pig tight, and bull strong.

Life is not about how fast you run, or how high you climb, but how well
you bounce.

Keep skunks and lawyers at a distance.

Life is simpler when you plow around the stumps.

A bumble bee is faster than a John Deere tractor.

Trouble with a milk cow is she won't stay milked.

Don't skinny dip with snapping turtles.

Words that soak into your ears are whispered, not yelled.

Meanness don't happen overnight.

To know how country folks are doing, look at their barns, not their
houses.

Never lay an angry hand on a kid or an animal, it just ain't helpful.

Teachers, Moms, and hoot owls sleep with one eye open.

Forgive your enemies. It messes with their heads.

Don't sell your mule to buy a plow.

Two can live as cheap as one if one don't eat.

Don't corner something meaner than you.

You can catch more flies with honey than vinegar, assuming you want to
catch flies.

Man is the only critter who feels the need to label things as flowers
or weeds.

It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.

Don't go huntin' with a fellow named Chug-A-Lug.

You can't unsay a cruel thing.

Every path has some puddles.

Don't wrestle with pigs: You'll get all muddy and the pigs will love it.

The best sermons are lived, not preached.

Most of the stuff people worry about never happens.

The Ten Commandments display was removed from the Alabama Supreme Court building. There was a good reason for the move. You can't post Thou Shalt Not Steal, Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery and Thou Shall Not Lie in a building full of lawyers and politicians without creating a hostile work environment.

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Tennessee. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming

over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the United States and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own.

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Tennessee. We settle small disagreements like this with the "Three Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, "What is the Three Kick Rule?"

The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth.

The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie. The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."

(I love this part....)

The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck. :bonk:

Pun of the DayJanuary 30, 2004

Things made in Australia are high koala-ty.

There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meaning than any other two- letter word, and that is "UP."

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we waken in the morning, why do we wake UP.

At a meeting, why does a topic come UP?

Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?

We call UP our friends, we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen.

We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car.


At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.

To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special, and this is confusing.

A drain must be open! ed UP because it is stopped UP.

We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.

We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP.

To be knowledgeable of the proper uses of UP, look UP the word in the dictionary. In a desk size dictionary, UP takes UP almost 1/4th the page and definitions add UP to about thirty.

If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.

When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, it wets UP the earth. When it doesn't rain for a while, things dry UP.

One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now my time is UP, so I'll shut UP

Sorry Bill, that really UP set me. :rolleyes:

I don't know if this has been posted or not, but I laughed my :ca: off...
Go to http://CheechWiz.com/video/ and get FreewayCourtesy.asf

Things you would like to say at work:
1. I can see your point but I still think you're full of it.
2. I don't know what your problem is but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
7. I'm out of my mind but feel free to leave a message.
8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
9. It sounds like English but I can't understand a word you're saying.
10. Ahhh, I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.
11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a ****.
14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
21. And your crybaby whiny-*** opinion would be?
22. Do I look like a people person?
23. This isn't an office. It's **** with fluorescent lighting.
24. I started out with nothing and still have most of it left.
25. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
26. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
27. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
28. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
29. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
30. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
31. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
32. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
33. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
34. Chaos, panic and disorder - my work here is done.
35. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
36. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks

Number 16 actually is pretty cool. I think I'm going to try it next time I catch a heckler at one of my presentations.
Things you would like to say at work:
16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

This is a #.wmv file, and I can't upload it, so I changed it to a *.zip. Forget what you think you know about science, or religion. I have it on good authority (my friend MEL -- and she is never wrong!) that this is the scientific truth.

A blonde climbs into her car. She quickly grabs her cell phone and dials 911. "Come quick" she says, "They've stolen my CD player, and everything. They've even taken the steering wheel, and the peddle thing that makes my car go."

Luckily there is a patrol car right around the corner, so the officers get there nearly instantaneously. "Look at this!" she cries to the officer. "It's a disgrace, I was only in the store for a few minutes, and they've cleaned me out!"

"Ma'am" says the incredulous officer, "I believe that if you just get into the front seat of your car, you will find all the things that are missing."

A blonde climbs into her car. She quickly grabs her cell phone and dials 911. "Come quick" she says, "They've stolen my CD player, and everything. They've even taken the steering wheel, and the peddle thing that makes my car go."

Luckily there is a patrol car right around the corner, so the officers get there nearly instantaneously. "Look at this!" she cries to the officer. "It's a disgrace, I was only in the store for a few minutes, and they've cleaned me out!"

"Ma'am" says the incredulous officer, "I believe that if you just get into the front seat of your car, you will find all the things that are missing."

Okay...


She had to have been a fake blonde...those wanna-be's give us naturals a bad name. :D
Notice how she only cares about the peddle that makes the car go...not the peddle that makes the car not go?!?! *shudder*
This couldn't have happened! Why? Because she wouldn't have been able to find the number 11 key on her phone! :lol:

Okay...

She had to have been a fake blonde...those wanna-be's give us naturals a bad name. :D
Notice how she only cares about the peddle that makes the car go...not the peddle that makes the car not go?!?! *shudder*
This couldn't have happened! Why? Because she wouldn't have been able to find the number 11 key on her phone! :lol:

Good points, RC! We make sure that when we do school visits with fire and rescue we teach the kids to dial nine-one-one not nine-eleven. lmao

Irish Confession

"Bless me father -- for I have sinned.
I have been with a loose woman."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?"
"Yes, Father, it is.
"And, who was the woman you were with?"

"Sure and I can't be tellin' you Father.
I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now.

"Was it Brenda O'Malley?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Patricia Kelly?"

I cannot say."
'
Was it Liz Shannon?"

"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."

"Was it Cathy Morgan?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Fiona McDonald, then?"

"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration.

"You're a steadfast lad,Tommy Shaughnessy, and I admire that.
But you've sinned, and you must atone.

You cannot attend church mass for three full months. Be off with
you now!"

Tommy walks back to his pew.

His friend Sean slides over to his seat and whispers "well ... what'd
you get?"
"Three months vacation and five good leads."

During a trial, in a small Missouri town, the local prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand. She was sworn in, asked if she would tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, on the Bible, so help her God.

The witness was a proper well-dressed elderly lady, the Grandmother type, well spoken and poised.

The prosecuting attorney approached the woman and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?'" She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate people and talk badly about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the sense to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper-pushing shyster." "Yes, I know you quite well."

The lawyer was stunned. He couldn't even think for a few minutes. Then, slowly backed away, fearing the looks on the judge and jurors' faces, not to mention the court reporter who documented every word. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, has a bad drinking problem. The man can't build or keep a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney almost fainted and was seen slipping downward in his chair, looking at the floor. Laughter mixed with gasps, thundered throughout the courtroom and the audience was on the verge of chaos.

At this point, the judge brought the courtroom to silence, called both counselors to the bench, and in a very quiet voice said, "If either of you morons asks her if she knows me, you're going to jail."

SteelMaiden,

I have to add something to that nine, one, one thing.

We had a accident happent in front of our house and the driver took off running down the street. My son ran after the driver and I asked my daughter-in-law to call 911 and report the accident so I could run after my son. This part is real and I am not kidding, she asked me what the number to 911 was. All I could reply to that was nine, one, one.

To this day, she can not live that down.

Cindy

In a similar vein Cindy I was watching an Advert on TV the other day for an American Reality Show called newlyweds and the girl (Jessica Simpson?) says the following while eating from a bowl "I know this is Tuna but is it Fish or Chicken"? . :bonk: What Planet is she from???

Greg B

Some people like you show just how little there brain is or their natural hair color, Clear. Clear makes blonde seem smart.

:biglaugh:

Cindy

A crow was sitting in a tree doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"

The crow answered, "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow and rested.

All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Management Lesson:

To be safe sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up

I noticed that my previous statement said "you" which should have read "Some people like to show you just how little....."

I hope no one took offence.

Sorry,

Cindy

Perhaps you might be interested in the way engineers think......read on:

Understanding Engineers - Take 1
2 engineering students were walking across campus when one said,
"Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied,
"Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a
beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground,
took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The 2nd engineer nodded approvingly,
"Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

Understanding Engineers - Take 2
To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Understanding Engineers - Take 3
A pastor, doctor and engineer were waiting one morning for a
particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys?
We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such
ineptitude!"
The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word
with him."
"Hi, George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather
slow,
aren't they?"
The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind
firefighters who lost
their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let
them
play for free anytime."
The group was silent for a moment.
The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for
them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist
buddy and
see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

Understanding Engineers - Take 4
There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things
mechanical.
After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired.

Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly
impossible problem they were having with one of their multimillion
dollar machines.
They tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work but
to no avail.
In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who solved so many
problems
in the past.
The engineer reluctantly took the challenge.
He spent a day studying the huge machine.
Finally, at the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a
particular
component of the machine and said, "This is where your problem is."
The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again.
The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his
service.
They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges.
The engineer responded briefly: One chalk mark $1;
Knowing where to put it $49,999.
It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.

Understanding Engineers - Take 5
What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil
Engineers?
Mechanical Engineers build weapons.
Civil Engineers build targets.

Understanding Engineers - Take 6
3 engineering students gathered together discussing the possible
designers
of the human body.
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has
many
thousands of electrical connections."
The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer.
Who else would run toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

Understanding Engineers - Take 7
"Normal people ... believe if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features
yet"

Understanding Engineers - Take 8
An architect, artist and engineer were discussing whether
it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.
The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid
foundation
for an enduring relationship.
The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the
passion and
mystery he found there.
The engineer said, "I like both."
"Both?" they asked.
Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each
assume you are
spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and
get some work done."

Understanding Engineers - Take 9
An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him
and said,
"If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said,
"If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay
with you
for one week."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned
it
to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a
princess,
I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."
Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into
his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a
beautiful princess,
I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you
kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a
girlfriend,
but a talking frog, now that's cool."

Brief Guide to American Newspapers

1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.

2. The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the country.

3. The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the country, and who are very good at crossword puzzles.

4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country, but don't really understand The New York Times. They do, however, like their statistics shown in pie charts.

5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country - if they could find the time - and if they didn't have to leave Southern California to do it.

6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents use to run the country, and did a far superior job of it, thank you very much.

7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country, and don't really care as long as they can get a seat on the train.

8. The New York Post is read by people who don't care who's running the country as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.

9. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country, but need the baseball scores.

10. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure there is a
country... or that anyone is running it; but if so, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are handicapped minority feminist atheist dwarfs who also happen to be illegal aliens from any other country or galaxy provided, of course, that they are not Republicans.

11. The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at the grocer.

An Irish man walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, "what'll you have?"
The man says, "Give me three pints of Guinness please."
So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone. He then orders three more.
The bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold. You don't have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low I'll bring you a fresh cold one."
The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and we're drinking together.
The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition.
Every week the man came in and ordered three beers. Then one week he came in and ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more.
The bartender said to him, "I know what your tradition is, and I'd just like to say that I'm sorry that one of your brothers died."
The man said, "Oh, me brothers are fine----I just quit drinking."

Help wanted sign read:

Help wanted.
Must type 70 words a minute.
Must be computer literate.
Must be bilingual.
An equal opportunity employer.

A dog was ambling down the street and saw the sign. He looked at
it for a moment, pulled it down with his mouth, and walked into the
manager's office, making it clear he wished to apply for the job.

The office manager laughed and said, "I can't hire a dog for this
job." The dog pointed to the line: "An equal opportunity employer."

So the manager said, "OK, take this letter and type it." The dog
went off to the word processor and returned a minute later with the
finished letter, perfectly formatted.

The manager said, "Alright, here's a problem. Write a computer
program for it and run it." Fifteen minutes later, the dog came
back with an elegant program.

The manager still wasn't convinced. "I still can't hire you for
this position. You've got to be bilingual."

The dog looked up at the manager and said, "Meow."

As an FYI, I started this thread about 2 1/2 years ago. It has about 991 or so posts right now.

Coming soon: The 1000th post in this thread.... Oh, my!

I was depping (playing on behalf of ...) a keyboard player in a bar one night, so I took the wife along -- my main instrument is actually the sax, hence the "saxydan" bit.

When we started playing, the wife took a comfortable seat at the bar counter and started sipping her drink. After a while one of the customers at the counter asked her "Do you come here often?"

"No, only at home", she replied ...

:mad:

Due to the popularity of the survivor show, Michigan is planning to do its own version, entitled "Survivor, Michigan Style."

The contestants will start in Port Huron, travel to Cadillac, Traverse City, Boyne City, Mackinaw, Houghton Lake and then to Bay city, Flint, Pontiac, Detroit, Ann Arbor, Jackson and Lansing, then back into Port Huron.

Each will be driving a pink, Foreign made 2-door coupe with California plates and will have the following bumper stickers affixed to their bumpers:

* "Snowmobiles are stupid," * "I hate the Detroit Red Wings," * "Michigan should share the Great Lakes," * "I don't believe in any hunting or fishing and I'm here to confiscate your guns." * "All Deer Hunters are Gay".

The one to make it back to Port Huron alive wins.

I once shared an office with a guy who knew at least a thousand limericks, plus he seemed to be capable of making them up on the spot. Most of them were definitely NOT repeatable here.

In his honor, I dedicate this:

A bather whose clothing was strewed
by breezes that left her quite nude
Saw a man come along
And unless I am wrong -
You expected this line to be lewd!

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart
covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.
Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside.
The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes
stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral.
I'm a gynecologist.

The proctologist fainted.

A blonde, down on her luck, had just lost her job. She sat on a bench at a playground pondering her fate. She decided to take drastic measures.

She went over and grabbed a 10 year-old boy. She then wrote a note saying, “If you ever want to see your son again, put $10,000 in a brown paper bag and leave it behind the tree next to the swings at the play ground.” She signed the note, The Blonde

She then pinned the note to the boy’s jacket and told him to go home.

Next day, she arrived at the playground and sure enough, there was a brown paper bag behind the tree next to the swings. She opened the bag and to her delight, there was $10,000 in it, and a note.

She took the note out and read it, “How could you do this to another Blonde?!”

YOU MIGHT BE AN ENGINEER IF...

The only jokes you receive are through e-mail

At Christmas, it goes without saying that you will be the one to find
the burnt-out bulb in the string

Buying flowers for your girlfriend or spending the money to upgrade
your RAM is a moral dilemma

Everyone else on the Alaskan cruise is on deck peering at the
scenery, and you are still on a personal tour of the engine room

In college you thought Spring Break was a metal fatigue failure

The salespeople at Circuit City can't answer any of your questions

You are always late to meetings

You are at an air show and know how fast the skydivers are falling

You bought your wife a new CD ROM for her birthday

You can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie

You can type 70 words a minute but can't read your own handwriting

You can't write unless the paper has both horizontal and vertical
lines.

You comment to your wife that her straight hair is nice and parallel.

You forgot to get a haircut ... for 6 months

You go on the rides at Disneyland and sit backwards in the chairs
to see how they do the special effects

You have Dilbert comics displayed anywhere in your work area

You have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance

You have more friends on the Internet than in real life

You have never bought any new underwear or socks for yourself
since you got married

You have used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than
hanging coats and taping ducts

You know what http:// actually stands for

You look forward to Christmas only to put together the kids' toys

You own one or more white short-sleeve dress shirts

You see a good design and still have to change it

You spent more on your calculator than on your wedding ring

You still own a slide rule and you know how to work it

You think that when people around you yawn, it's because they
didn't get enough sleep

You wear black socks with white tennis shoes (or vice versa)

You window shop at Radio Shack

You're in the back seat of your car, she's looking wistfully at the
moon, and you're trying to locate a geosynchronous satellite

You know what the geosynchronous satellite function is

Your checkbook always balances

Your laptop computer costs more than your car

Your wife hasn't the foggiest idea what you do at work

Your wrist watch has more computing power than a 300Mhz Pentium

You've already calculated how much you make per second

You've ever tried to repair a $5 radio

(Some of these hit too close to home)
:lmao:
Bill

Here is the latest doing the rounds on our email:

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I cannot accept,
and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill today because they pi**ed me off!
And also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today as they may be connected to the a** that I may have to Kiss tomorrow.

Help me always to give 100% at work...
12% on Mondays
23% on Tuesdays
40% on Wednesdays
20% on Thursdays
5% on Fridays

And to help me to remember...
When I am having a really bad day,
and it seems that people are trying to pi** me off,
that it takes 42 muscles to frown and only
4 to extend my middle finger and tell them to bite me!

Amen

GregB

This is a morning motto for lots of people I know....(mostly females...me included!) ;)


Dear Lord,

So far today, I am doing alright,
I have not gossiped,
Lost my temper, been greedy, grumpy, selfish, or self-indulgent.
I have not whined, complained, cursed or eaten any chocolate.
I have charged nothing on my credit card.

But I will be getting out of bed in a minute and I think that I will really need you help then!! :D

The Urinal is Too High

A group of 2nd, 3rd and 4th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry, but mostly to see the horses.
When it was time to take the children to the bathroom it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.
Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one - holding onto their "weewees" to direct the flow away from their clothes.
As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed.
Trying not to show that she was staring the teacher said, "You must be in the 5th."
"No, ma'am," he replied. "I'm the jockey riding Silver Arrow in the 4th but thanks for the lift."

Sue