A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary hospital. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the duck’s chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, “I’m sorry but your pet duck is dead. Cuddles has passed on.”

The distressed owner wailed, “Are you sure?”

“Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead”, he replied.

“How can you be so sure?” she protested. “I mean you haven’t even run any tests on Cuddles. He might just be in a coma or something

The vet rolled his eyes, turned and left the room, and returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck’s owner looked on, the dog stood on it’s hind legs and put his front paws on the examination table where Cuddles lie motionless. The dog sniffed the duck from head to foot and back again. He looked at the vet and with sad eyes shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and led him out of the room.

The vet returned a few minutes later with a beautiful cat. The cat jumped up on the table and began to gently sniff the duck from head to feet and back again. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook it’s head and meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, “I’m sorry, but as I said, the duck is most definitely 100% certifiably, a dead duck.” Then the vet turned to his computer, pressed a few keys, and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill. “$350!” she cried, “$350 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!”

The vet shrugged, “I’m sorry. If you’d have taken my word for it the bill would have been $40. But with the Lab Report and the Cat scan. . . .

The Buffalo Theory

I have not seen anyone explain this as well as Cliff Clavin, on Cheers.


"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as
fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the
slowest and weakest ones at the back of the herd that are killed first.

This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the
general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular
killing of the weakest members.

"In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the
slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain
cells.

But naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells
first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker
brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers." :mybad:

Automotive uses this frequently!

The buzzword in today's business world is MARKETING. However, people often ask for a simple explanation of "Marketing." Well, here it is:

You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed,"

That's Direct Marketing.

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of
your friends goes up to him and pointing at you says, "She's fantastic in
bed,"

That's Advertising.

You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone
number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed."

That's Telemarketing.

You see a guy at a party, you straighten your dress. You walk up to him and
pour him a drink. You say, "May I," and reach up to straighten his tie,
brushing your chest lightly against his arm, and then say, "By the way,
I'm fantastic in bed."

That's Public Relations.

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, "I
hear you're fantastic in bed,"

That's Brand Recognition.

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He fancies you, but you talk him
into going home with your friend.

That's a Sales Rep.

Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you.

That's Tech Support.

You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing. So you climb onto the roof of one situated towards the center and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm
fantastic in bed!" .....

That's Junk Mail.

You are at a party, this well-built man walks up to you and gropes your
breast and grabs your behind....

That's Arnold Schwarzenegger!

YOU LIKE IT, BUT 20 YEARS LATER YOUR ATTORNEY DECIDES YOU WERE OFFENDED.

THAT'S AMERICA!

http://www.dilbert.com/comics/dilbert/archive/dilbert-20040328.html

Sound familiar????????? :bonk: :applause:

James! I was just coming on line to post it! Ya beat me to it! :mad:

The bad thing is there is a lot of truth in there. :eek:

James! I was just coming on line to post it! Ya beat me to it! :mad:

The bad thing is there is a lot of truth in there. :eek:
Oh, yeah, I think that Scott visited our plant to find this one!

Could someone do me a favor:

Our dumb "border manager" prevents my accessing Dilbert.com here at work. Could someone cut-n-paste the cartoon for me? Please? :rolleyes: Thank you.

Could someone do me a favor:

Our dumb "border manager" prevents my accessing Dilbert.com here at work. Could someone cut-n-paste the cartoon for me? Please? :rolleyes: Thank you.

Rob,

As you requested (saved as a Word doc).
:bigwave:

AS SEEN IN A CAT'S DIARY

Day 483 of my captivity...
My captors continue to taunt me with dangling objects while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another house plant.

Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded -- must try this at the top of the stairs.

In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair - must try this on their bed.

Brought them the dead body of a mouse in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed about what a good little cat I was. Hmmm, not working according to plan.

There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in
solitary throughout the event. I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The bird must be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured. But, I can wait, it is only a matter of time...

My old P.A sent this to me today. :yes:

Greg B

Guy walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing nothing more than saranwrap underwear.

The psychiatrist takes one look at him and says "I can clearly see your nuts."

Guy walks into the cardiologist's office and says "Doc, you gotta help me - I think I'm a moth".

Doc says, "I think you need a psychiatrist; I'm a cardiologist"

Guy says, "I know".

Doc says, "Then why did you come in here"

Guy says, "Well, the light was on..."

A rancher took his wife to the stock show and one of the exhibits was that of breeding bulls.

They went up to the first pen and there was a sign that said: "This bull mated 50 times last year."

The wife poked her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times last year."

They walked a little farther and saw another pen with a sign that said: "This bull mated 120 times last year."

The wife hit her husband and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."

They walked farther and a third pen had a bull with a sign saying: "This bull mated 365 times last year."

The wife got really excited and said, "That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one."

The husband looked at her and said: "Go up and ask him if it was with the same cow."

His condition has been upgraded from critical to stable, and he should eventually make a full recovery.

Try this exercise


While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles with it. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right hand. Your foot will change direction and there's nothing you can do about it….


Dave :cool:

Try this exercise


While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles with it. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right hand. Your foot will change direction and there's nothing you can do about it….


Dave :cool:Thanks, Dave. I didn't feel klutzy enough until I tried this. However, I can rub my stomach in clockwise OR counterclockwise motion and pat my head at the same time or vice-versa. That only took me two years of practice!

Now stand back against the wall, head, bum, and heel touching the wall. Try to lift either knee to waist level without losing contact with the wall. No fair bracing yourself in a doorway with one hand! I've seen some Yoga types do it!

Wes,


I've been practicing that for years and have it down to the point where I train people how to do it. The only difference is that I use the floor to brace myself!My back on the floor that is.:biglaugh:

Al...

Try this exercise


While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles with it. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right hand. Your foot will change direction and there's nothing you can do about it….


Dave :cool:
Thanks Dave!!

I sent this around our plant this morning. What a hoot watching half the floor and offices trying to prove they could do it :biglaugh:

Bill

That's OK Bill, pleased to be of service.

Now try it with your left leg & hand - then both together....


Dave

Now stand back against the wall, head, bum, and heel touching the wall. Try to lift either knee to waist level without losing contact with the wall. No fair bracing yourself in a doorway with one hand! I've seen some Yoga types do it!How did that happen? I made it at the first attempt without the slightest problem (and before you ask: No, there was no cheating involved). What does that make me? A yogi with beginners luck???

/Claes:bighug:

Now try it with your left leg & hand - then both together....
Dave
:mad: !@#$%*

(And I thought I was athletic/coordinated :nope: )

Bill

An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.

After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.

The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, "$165,000".

The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets.

The president was surprised and asked, "What kind of bets?"

The elderly woman replied, "Well, I bet you $25,000 ! that your testicles are square."

The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.

The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, "Would you like to take my bet?"

"Certainly", replied the president "I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square."

"Done", the elderly woman answered. "But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o'clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness."

"No problem", said the president of the Bank confidently.

That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over
again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no
way he could lose the bet.

The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square.

The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.

The president was happy to oblige.

The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. "Of course", said the president. "Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure."

The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, "Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10! o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada!"

How did that happen? I made it at the first attempt without the slightest problem (and before you ask: No, there was no cheating involved). What does that make me? A yogi with beginners luck???

/Claes:bighug:Really? You kept one ankle, bum, and back of head against wall and were able to lift one knee to waist level without breaking contact with the wall at any of the three contact points. That's fantastic! I'd like to see a film of that! (not a static picture)

If there is no misinterpretation, your flexibility is an inspiration to us all!:applause:

1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.

3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric breadmaker. She said "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was; She told me "In the lake."

8. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said "No, jump in!"

10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!".

(I hope all of these aren't repeats.)

Red Skelton has always been one of my favorites. Good stuff Bill.

I might add: "I'm not saying my wife is a bad cook, but the flies pitched in to mend the screen". :biglaugh:

Really? You kept one ankle, bum, and back of head against wall and were able to lift one knee to waist level without breaking contact with the wall at any of the three contact points. Yep... With the greatest of ease... (I just tried it again, just to check) Mind you, I have a fair bit of dancing, gymnastics and yes... yoga in my background.
Perhaps that has something to do with it? :notangel:

My joints have been causing me bags of trouble since my early 20's (poor breeding stock, I suppose, so I'm glad I'm not a horse: I would have been sent to the glue factory long ago). I counter the pain and stiffness with yoga and other exercises. I really have to keep in reasonable shape. That helps a lot.

/Claes

Claes,

I believe you. I just tried to do it myself and had no problem. I did make sure no could see me try through.

Cindy

I did make sure no could see me try through.LMAO :lmao: So did I... Tell you what: I'll get me missus here so she can try it... Hang on... Yep she made it too...:agree1: Now she wants to know why I wanted her to try it. I'll have to show her this thread and nail her with that Foot and hand trick... :notangel: This is fun!

/Claes

I was able to do it with no problem. Do you think that Wes is sitting back laughing :lmao: and thinking "look at how many people all over the world I have trying to do this perfectly simple taks"?

I had 1/2 of a JV wrestling team doing the "draw a 6" one afternoon. It was so funny. Started with one, then another, etc. Next thing you know they are all trying and the rest of the kids are wondering 'what's going on over there?'

So , yup - Wes is laughing his keyster off - whether his is still touching the wall or not. Wes - can you even stand up laughing that hard?

BTW - I tried.....and yes I did it too.

I had 1/2 of a JV wrestling team doing the "draw a 6" one afternoon. It was so funny. Started with one, then another, etc. Next thing you know they are all trying and the rest of the kids are wondering 'what's going on over there?'

So , yup - Wes is laughing his keyster off - whether his is still touching the wall or not. Wes - can you even stand up laughing that hard?

BTW - I tried.....and yes I did it too.Actually, it's my head (not the other) that comes away from the wall as my center of gravity changes forward when my knee comes up even with my waist. I notice that if I move my heel even one-inch away from the wall, I can also do it. Otherwise, a sheet of paper held between my head and wall falls down every time. Maybe you folks have very thick baseboards?

Or very thick heads? :biglaugh:

Another interesting one to try (if you don't mind looking silly):

Step back 2 foot-lengths from a wall (I think it's better with shoes because it get s you just a little farther from the wall). Place a chair in front of you. Bend forward, keeping your legs and back straight, and place your head against the wall. Pick up the chair.

Now, try to stand back up. Most men will be stuck with their heads against the wall. Most women will stand up easily.

Tim F

I remember trying that after watching Gloria Bunker/Spivik pulled it on Archie.

Bill

A Japanese company and an American company decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race.

On the big day the Japanese won by a mile. Afterward, the American team became very discouraged and morally depressed. The American management decided the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found. A Management Team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action.

Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team had 8 people steering and one person rowing. So American management hired a consulting company and paid them an incredible amount of money. They advised that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing.

To prevent losing to the Japanese again next year, the rowing team's management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager. They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder.

It was called the Rowing Team Quality First Program, with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rower. Even new paddles and medical benefit incentives were promised for a winner. We must give the rower the empowerment and enrichments through this quality program. The next year the Japanese won by two miles.

Humiliated, the American management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and canceled all capital investments for new equipment.

The money saved was distributed to the senior executives as bonuses.

A Quality Engineer noticed one morning that the process his wife used to make his breakfast was very inefficient. Being a helpful fellow, he started watching and studying the problem. Why did she stand by as she filled the coffee pot, rather than using that half minute more productively? Why did she make three trips to carry the plates, cups and silverware to the table, rather than stacking them and making one trip?

After a couple of weeks, he had identified dozens of potential time-saving improvements. He started putting together a plan. He made Pareto charts and histograms. He created a flowchart. He eliminated bottlenecks and found processes that could be performed simultaneously.

The next day, armed with his charts and diagrams, he explained to his wife what she was doing wrong. Now, instead of it taking her 20 minutes to make his breakfast, it takes him 12 minutes.

The United States Treasury has announced they are recalling the new
Minnesota quarters.

"We are recalling all of the new Minnesota quarters that were recently
issued", Treasury Undersecretary Russell Shackelford said in a press
conference Monday. "This comes in the wake of numerous reports to this
agency that the quarters will not work in parking meters, toll booths,
vending machines, pay phones or other coin-operated devices. We believe
the problem lies in a design flaw," said Skackelford.

The winning design for the Minnesota quarter was submitted by Sven
Petersen and Ole Johnson of Hibbing, Minnesota. Sven commented,
"Apparently, the duct tape holding the two dimes and nickel together
keeps jamming the coin-operated devices."

TEAMWORK

There were four people named,Everbody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody.
There was an important job to be done and Everybody was asked to do it.
Everybody was sure Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it but Nobody did it.Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job.Everybody thought Anybody could do it. It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done. :bonk:

1. WHEN you have an "I Hate My Job" day, try this:
ON your way home from work, stop at your Pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson.

2. BE very sure you get this brand.
WHEN you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed. CHANGE into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair, open the package and remove the thermometer. NOW, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.


3. NOW the fun part begins -
TAKE out the literature and read it carefully. YOU will notice that in small print there is a statement,___ "Every rectal thermometer made by
Johnson and Johnson is personally tested"___ NOW, close your eyes and repeat out loud 5 times,___ "I am so glad I do not work for quality
control at Johnson and Johnson."___


4. HAVE A NICE DAY AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS WORSE THAN YOURS!

I'm sure some of you can relate, and those that can't, well, this might explain why we are the way we are.

Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. - AGE ACTIVATED ATTENTION DEFICIT DISORDER.

This is how it manifests:-

I decide to wash my car.

As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the hall table.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the trash can under the table, and notice that the trash can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the trash first.

But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the trash anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my chequebook off the table, and see that there is only one check left.

My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.

I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the coke a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need to be watered.

I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote.

Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realise that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.

I splash some water on the flowers, but most of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day: the car isn't washed, the bills aren't paid, there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter, the flowers aren't watered, there is still only one check in my chequebook, I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know
I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired.

I realise this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.

Do me a favour, will you? Forward this message to everyone you know, because I don't remember to whom it has been sent.

Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!

GROWING OLDER IS MANDATORY. - GROWING UP IS OPTIONAL - LAUGHING AT YOURSELF IS THERAPEUTIC! :biglaugh: :lol:


Dave :cool:

I'm sure some of you can relate, and those that can't, well, this might explain why we are the way we are.

Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. - AGE ACTIVATED ATTENTION DEFICIT DISORDER.

This is how it manifests:-

I decide to wash my car.

As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the hall table.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the trash can under the table, and notice that the trash can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the trash first.

But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the trash anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my chequebook off the table, and see that there is only one check left.

My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.

I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the coke a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need to be watered.

I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote.

Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realise that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.

I splash some water on the flowers, but most of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day: the car isn't washed, the bills aren't paid, there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter, the flowers aren't watered, there is still only one check in my chequebook, I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know
I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired.

I realise this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.

Do me a favour, will you? Forward this message to everyone you know, because I don't remember to whom it has been sent.

Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!

GROWING OLDER IS MANDATORY. - GROWING UP IS OPTIONAL - LAUGHING AT YOURSELF IS THERAPEUTIC! :biglaugh: :lol:


Dave :cool:

Good one Dave. I resemble that remark.

company policy....
Perhaps this experiment is going on in your workplace even as you read this...

READ CAREFULLY, AS THIS MAY BE A LITTLE HARD TO FOLLOW.....

Start with a cage containing five monkeys. Inside the cage, hang a banana on
a string and place a set of stairs under it. Before long, a monkey will go to
the stairs and start to climb towards the banana. As soon as he touches the
stairs, spray all of the other monkeys with cold water. After a while,
another monkey makes an attempt with the same result, all the other monkeys
are sprayed with cold water.

Pretty soon, when any monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys
will try to prevent it. Now, put away the cold water. Remove one monkey from
the cage and replace it with a new one. The new monkey sees the banana and
starts to climb the stairs. To his surprise and horror, all of the other
monkeys attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he
tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.

Next, remove another of the original five monkeys and replace it with a new
one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer
takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm!

Likewise, replace a third original monkey with a new one, then a fourth, then
the fifth. Every time the newest monkey takes to the stairs, he is attacked.
Most of the monkeys that are beating him have no idea why they were not
permitted to climb the stairs or why they are participating in the beating of
the newest monkey.

After replacing all the original monkeys, none of the remaining monkeys have
ever been sprayed with cold water. Nevertheless, no monkey ever again
approaches the stairs to try for the banana.

Why not? ... As far as they know that's the way it's always been done around
here.

And that, my friends, is how company policy begins.
:thanx:

Here's an interesting one I found at annoyances.org

How many forum members does it takes to change a light bulb?


1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs
1 to move it to the Lighting section
2 to argue then move it to the Electricals section
7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs
5 to flame the spell checkers
3 to correct spelling/grammar flames
6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"
15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct
19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum
11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum
36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty
7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs
4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's
3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group
13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"
5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy
4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"
13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"
1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.

Unpopped Kernels Costing U.S. Billions
SIOUX CITY, IA—The singed, partially opened, and otherwise unpopped kernels at the bottom of U.S. snack bowls are costing Americans an average of $18 billion every year, FDA sources reported Tuesday. "The typical pound of popping corn results in an average of 35 'dead' kernels," FDA deputy commissioner Lester M. Crawford said before Congress. "Considering the costs of growing, processing, and packaging these kernels, and the heat energy expended in fruitless endeavors to pop them, it's an epic level of waste." Crawford asked Congress to double funding for the FDA's $200 million old-maid-elimination research project.

Source: The Onion http://www.Onion.com

Unpopped Kernels Costing U.S. Billions
SIOUX CITY, IA—The singed, partially opened, and otherwise unpopped kernels at the bottom of U.S. snack bowls are costing Americans an average of $18 billion every year, FDA sources reported Tuesday. "The typical pound of popping corn results in an average of 35 'dead' kernels," FDA deputy commissioner Lester M. Crawford said before Congress. "Considering the costs of growing, processing, and packaging these kernels, and the heat energy expended in fruitless endeavors to pop them, it's an epic level of waste." Crawford asked Congress to double funding for the FDA's $200 million old-maid-elimination research project.

Source: The Onion http://www.onion.comNot that I would ever make a life, death, or money decision based on the humor publication The Onion, but I air pop my popcorn and consistently get 95 to 99% yield (I weigh kernels in and kernels unpopped after the process and do the math.)

BONUS FEATURES:

All unpopped kernels stay in the popper versus getting into the bowl.
No grease (but I admit dry popcorn holds no salt, either.)
Poka Yoke rules!

Here's one you can tell the family...


This guy was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet.

So he went to the pet shop and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede, which came in a little white box that he used for his house. He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar to have a drink.

So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to Frank's Bar with me and have a beer?" But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?" but again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's Bar and have a drink with me?"

A little voice came out of the box:

I heard you the first time! I'm putting my shoes on ……."


Dave :cool:

Here's an interesting one I found at annoyances.org

Remind me to bring this topic back up in six months :agree1:

Everybody out of the pool. This must be downloaded unzipped and played.

There was chill in the air.

A man came walking up to the house when he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch in the rocking chair with nothing on from the waist down.

"Grandpa what are you doing?" he exclaimed. The old man looked off in the distance without answering. "Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below your waist?" he asked again.

The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck.

This is your grandma's idea." ;)

A young man asked his mother “ma, who do you think I should marry?”
The mother replied “ definitely not a tennis player”
The young man asked “ why is that ma?”
The mother replied “ well as I recall, son, to them love means nothing”

Inner Strength

If you can start the day without caffeine,
If you can get going without pep pills,
If you can always be cheerful,
ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and
boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food every
day and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when your loved
ones are too busy to give you any time,
If you can overlook it when those you love
take it out on you when, through no fault
of yours, something goes wrong,
If you can take criticism and
blame without resentment,
If you can ignore a friend's limited
education and never correct him,
If you can resist treating a rich friend
better than a poor friend,
If you can face the world
without lies and deceit,
If you can conquer tension
without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
...Then You Are Probably
The Family Dog!

Hopefully this isn't deemed too political...

Is it just me or does anyone else find it amazing that our government can track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where it sleeps in the state of Washington. Also they track her calves to their stalls. But, they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country.

I think the solution is to give every illegal alien a cow.

I think the solution is to give every illegal alien a cow.

...or a "brand" with the branding iron. (that's the ISO/lot traceability thinking in me coming out). :yes:

I jokingly considered setting up a sub-Cove Commitee called CCFP...Canadian Covers of the Female Persuasion and this came along...

1. If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it will always be yours. If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with. But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn't appear to realize that you had set it free....... You either married it or gave birth to it. I'll take Door Number 1, please.

2. Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring. Scary...I did start smiling at this!

3. They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said, "Listen fatty....do it and die."

4. My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.

5. The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes. The accuracy of this statement is almost Twilight Zonish!

6. The nice part about living in a small town: When you don't know what you're doing, someone else always does. Now ain't that the truth!

7. Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.

8. Amazing! ! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks
two sizes! Honest! It fit in the change room at the store!

9. Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.

10.. I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That's my idea of a perfect day.

Hopefully this isn't deemed too political...

Is it just me or does anyone else find it amazing that our government can track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where it sleeps in the state of Washington. Also they track her calves to their stalls. But, they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country.

I think the solution is to give every illegal alien a cow.Ah - - - the punchline redeems it from being a wholly political diatribe.

:topic:
Quality Manager asks candidate for working in a quality department.
Q: What value of RPN are You going to start action at?
A: ???
Q: And?
A: ??? 1500 - 2000$ Gross.

A mouse looked through a crack in the wall to see the farmer and his wife opening a package. What food might it contain? He was aghast to discover that it was a mouse trap. Retreating to the farmyard, the mouse proclaimed the warning: “There is a mouse trap in the house, a mouse trap in the house!” The chicken clucked and scratched, raised her head and said, “Excuse me, Mr. Mouse, I can tell this is a grave concern to you, but it is of no consequence to me. I cannot be bothered by it.”

The mouse turned to the pig and told him, “There is a mouse trap in the house, a mouse trap in the house!” “ I am so very sorry Mr. Mouse,” sympathized the pig, “but there is nothing I can do about it but pray. Be assured that you are in my prayers.” The mouse turned to the cow. She said, “Like wow, Mr. Mouse. A mouse trap. Like I am in grave danger. Duh…Not!”

So the mouse returned to the house, head down and dejected, to face the farmer’s mouse trap alone. That very night a sound was heard throughout the house, like the sound of a mouse trap catching its prey. The farmer’s wife rushed to see what was caught. In the darkness, she did not see that it was a venomous snake whose tail the trap had caught. The snake bit the farmer’s wife.

The farmer rushed her to the hospital. She returned home with a fever. Now everyone knows you treat a fever with fresh chicken soup, so the farmer took his hatchet to the farmyard for the soup’s main ingredient. His wife’s sickness continued so that friends and neighbors came to sit with her around the clock. To feed them, the farmer butchered the pig.

The farmer’s wife did not get well and a few days later she passed away. So many people came for her funeral, that the farmer had the cow slaughtered, to provide meat for all of them to eat. So the next time you hear that someone is facing a problem and think that it does not concern you, remember that when there is a mouse trap in the house, the whole farmyard is at risk.

Author Unknown

Marty wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces
himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins
and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing
in front of him, all clean and pressed.

Marty looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect
order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you."

So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot
breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.
Marty asks, "Son, what happened last night?" His son says,
"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious. Broke some
furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled
into the door."

Confused, Marty asks, "So, why is everything in order and so
clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom,
and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, "Lady, leave me alone, I'm married!"

A self-induced hangover - $100.00
Broken furniture - $200.00
Breakfast - $10.00
Saying the right thing - priceless

Dean,

I love it but my Wife would have said that was the only thing that saved me from sleeping in the bathroom :lmao: :lmao: :lmao:

GregB

Hey gang,

I resurrected an old accident report I was hounded to write by the plant HR Dept. and nurse. I had let a few months go by blowing them off, and they started bugging my boss. . . sooooo. . . he said to write one, and "embelish" it a bit. He didn't know to whom he was speaking!! He He He . .

Roxy old pal, I think you'll appreciate this one. It is enshrined in a manilla folder in some archive somewhere. . . . and it did elicit a phone call with laughter at the other end from the Medical Dept. . . . they said they needed a good laugh.

7/3/86

Subject: Accident Report

Don,

In answer to your recent query, the following is the chain of events that led to the injure of my right elbow (Bursitis):

1. At approximately 2:00 PM on April 30, 1986, I stepped from my office to get a cup of coffee.
2. While reaching for a cup, I noticed a Wasp sitting on the stack of cups looking straight at me with a smile on his(?) mandibles.
3. Fearing someone would get stung, I informed the people present of the impending danger and proceeded to my desk to get a 12” rule to smite the beast.
4. I swung the rule as mighty Casey would have swung his immortal bat to deal the winged bearer of venom a fatal blow, but much to my chagrin, as Casey had. . . I missed!
5. The above stated move did not sit well with said Wasp, and he (?) immediately took wing in a direct collision course with my right hand.
6. Not thinking that I was approximately 43,130 times the weight of the rapidly approaching Wasp, and, my envisioning him (?) as a Heinkel pilot might have envisioned a P-51 Mustang closing in on him with guns blazing, I acted in a totally instinctive manner retracting my body in a manner resembling a sharp, abrupt, climbing turn to port. . . in reverse.
7. The above-mentioned move, while successful in evading the rapidly approaching form, did bring the point of my elbow into a negative clearance position with the corner of a steel filing cabinet.
8. The severity of the collision was such that several layers of skin tissue were breached, and I apparently sprung a leak.
NOTE: I did not notice the blood until the pain started, and, I had regained my composure.
9. After recovering from the spin I had induced, I had sufficient presence of mind to pull the trigger one more time and the 12” rule found it’s mark eliminating the possibility of said Wasp ever reproducing.
10. While the winged fury lay on the floor screaming, I brought my entire weight to bear in a move that would have made Hulk Hogan green with envy. My entire mass came down on the wide-eyed beast thus reducing him (no question now), to a wet spot on the floor. I then proceeded to the hangar for repair.

The preceding events could have been prevented, as can any future recurrences, if some precautions had been taken:

1. Have security check all beings entering the building for badges (We had just had security badges issued),
2. Provide offices with insect spray or large fly swatters during Summer months,
3. Put coffee pots in every office so the people would not have to live with the dangers encountered outside the office, and
4. provide early warning radar to detect unidentified flying objects.

In retrospect, I would gladly get stung than to have to go through the pains I encountered as a result of the Dog Fight, or the agony of having to write this accident report.

Taz,

Well done. :applause: It is a far cry from the literary gems I see come across my desk.

Date and Time of Injury: Yesterday Morning
Date & Time of Report: Today
Location: My Elbow
Nature of Injury: Sore elbow
How did it Happen?: I fell over
Witness': Yes
Immediate Action: I rubbed it and told Barry
Person making report: Steve

I blame the School system :lol:

Greg B

Very inspired writing Taz. I nealy hurt myself laughing, not to mention the peculiar way my coworkers are looking at me now... again. :lol:

One of our IT staff recently wrote an interesting report (And yours truly witnessed the mishap): It seems he was unpacking a new flat screen with a telescopic stand. The telescopic arm was locked with a pin and without thinking all that much about it he removed the pin. That is when I heard him go: "Owwwwwwwww.... Grooooan" :mg: . He had neglected to consider the direction of the arm when he removed the pin, and the telescopic arm extended and hit him where it really hurts. When he had recovered a bit and managed to unfold again I told him he had to file an accident report... :naughty:

/Claes

That was great Taz! That's the kind of creativity that makes it (almost) worth coming to work every day!!!

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgery. As she lay her pet on the examining table, the Vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest. After a moment or two, the Vet shook his head sadly and said, “I’m sorry, Cuddles has passed away.”

The distressed owner wailed, “Are you sure?”

“Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead”

“How can you be so sure?” she protested. “I mean you haven’t done any testing on him or anything. He might be in a coma or something.”

The Vet rolled his eyes, turned and left the room, and returned with a Labrador Black Retriever in tow. As the duck’s owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on it’s hind legs, put it’s front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the Vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The Vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat.

The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird. The cat sat back on it’s haunches, shook it’s head, and meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The Vet looked at the woman and said, “I’m sorry, but as I said, the duck is most definitely dead.” The Vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys, and produced a bill that he handed to the woman.

The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill. “$350!”, she cried, “$350 just to tell me my duck is dead?”!!

The vet shrugged, “I’m sorry. If you’d taken my word for it, the bill would have been $40, but with the Lab report and the Cat scan. . . . “

A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available:

a brand new Ferrari GTO. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000.

He takes it out for a spin and stops for a red light.

An old man on a moped (looking about 75 years old) pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the sleek, shiny car and asks, "What kind of car you got there, sonny?

The young man replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!"

"That's a lot of money," says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?"

"Because, this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the young dude proudly.

The moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"

"No problem," replies the owner.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around.

Then sitting back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right but I'll stick with my moped!"

Just then the light changes so the guy decides to show the old man just what this car can do. He floors it, and within 20 seconds the speedometer reads 160 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer.

He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoooossshhh! Something whips by him, going much faster!!!!

"What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?!" the young man asks himself.

He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph.

Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the moped.

Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari he gives it some more gas and passes the moped at 275 mph. whoooooosh!

He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him again.

Astounded by the speed of this old guy he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph.

Not ten seconds later he sees the moped bearing down on him again. The Ferrari is flat out and there's nothing he can do.

Suddenly the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end. The young man jumps out, and unbelievably; the old man is still alive!!!

He runs up to the mangled man and says, "Oh my God! Is there anything I can do for you?"

The old man whispers with his dying breath, "Unhook...my suspenders ... from your side-view mirror....

About 6 years ago, I was the new QS Mgt Rep and QA Mgr for a company. After being there for about 4 months, were were scheduled for a surveillence audit. Our registrar, one of the tougher ones, opted to send in a new (and anal) auditor. . .

The 2 1/2 day audit was well underway. . . and we were not fairing too badly with the auditor who knew nothing about our business.

At the end of day 1, the auditor, a company observer, and I were in my office going over a few things. The auditor handed me a report on what she had found so far.

I started reading the document. . . and got very frustrated. I about yelled, "I've had enough of this" and abruptly reached into my black leather business case. . . . and pulled out my recent acquisition. . .my first pair of reading glasses and put them on. . .

When I looked up, the auditor was cringing in her chair with her mouth hanging open, and the observer had one hand on the door knob and one foot in that direction and was crouching. . .

I was confused. . . and then they both took a deep breath. . .

After the day was over, the observer came to me laughing and patted me on the back. . . he said, "That was the best thing I've ever seen. We thought you were going to pull out an uzzi or something. We were ready to hit the floor. It completely broke the tension of the audit"

We passed. . .

Now children, don't do this at home. . . leave it to trained professionals.

In hindsight. . . this could start a new thread regarding "interesting" incidents during Cert or Surv audits. . .

One Day, God decided to create a beautiful place, people could enjoy it and be happy. As he was starting to create it, the Angels Gabriel and Michael came over to see what he was doing.

"What's that you making there?" Gabriel asked.

God replied, "I'm creating the most wonderful place on earth. It will have lush valleys, crystal clear lakes and streams. It will have the most impressive and awe-inspiring mountains. The forests will contain the biggest and strongest trees, and its land will be filled with animals of all kinds. It will be a vast land full of diversity, where people from all around the world can enjoy. And I will call it Canada!"

"Isn't that being a bit too nice to one country?" Michael asked. "It sounds too perfect. Almost like here in heaven"

"Oh just wait," God said "Just wait till you see the neighbours I'm gonna give them to the south!" :lmao:

(no hard feelings people...just jokes...)

One Day, God decided to create a beautiful place, people could enjoy it and be happy. As he was starting to create it, the Angels Gabriel and Michael came over to audit what he was doing.

"What's that you making there?" Gabriel asked. "Do you have a Quality Policy complete with goals and objectives? Can I see the Work Instructions for this task?"

God replied, "I'm creating the most wonderful place on earth. It will have lush valleys, crystal clear lakes and streams. It will have the most impressive and awe-inspiring mountains. The forests will contain the biggest and strongest trees, and its land will be filled with animals of all kinds. The Angels asked by what standards it would be measured, with what calibrated devices and if it would be in compliance with ISO-14000? What manner or method would he use to monitor his progress?

It will be a vast land full of diversity, where people from all around the world can enjoy. And I will call it Canada!" The Angels then asked to see the documented procedure regarding training of these people of diverse lineage.

"Isn't that being a bit too nice to one country?" Michael asked. "It sounds too perfect. Almost like here at Roxy's company in ISO heaven"

"Oh just wait," God said "Just wait till you see the neighbours I'm gonna give them to the south!" :lmao: "Will they be your customers that you will have to satisfy?", queried the Angels

(no hard feelings people...just jokes...)

None taken!

One Day, God decided to create a beautiful place, people could enjoy it and be happy. As he was starting to create it, the Angels Gabriel and Michael came over to audit what he was doing.

"What's that you making there?" Gabriel asked. "Do you have a Quality Policy complete with goals and objectives? Can I see the Work Instructions for this task?"

God replied, "I'm creating the most wonderful place on earth. It will have lush valleys, crystal clear lakes and streams. It will have the most impressive and awe-inspiring mountains. The forests will contain the biggest and strongest trees, and its land will be filled with animals of all kinds. The Angels asked by what standards it would be measured, with what calibrated devices and if it would be in compliance with ISO-14000? What manner or method would he use to monitor his progress?

It will be a vast land full of diversity, where people from all around the world can enjoy. And I will call it Canada!" The Angels then asked to see the documented procedure regarding training of these people of diverse lineage.

"Isn't that being a bit too nice to one country?" Michael asked. "It sounds too perfect. Almost like here at Roxy's company in ISO heaven"

"Oh just wait," God said "Just wait till you see the neighbours I'm gonna give them to the south!" :lmao: "Will they be your customers that you will have to satisfy?", queried the Angels



None taken!Very clever response in such a short period of time.:applause:

Very clever response in such a short period of time.:applause:

Sort of like a computer. . . the emptier the hard drive, the faster the response. . . :lmao:

Sort of like a computer. . . the emptier the hard drive, the faster the response. . . :lmao:

Hey! Wait a sec!...what are you saying about me and/or my computer?!?! :mad:

Hardly ISO Heaven....no angels or clouds here, unless you count the dust balls I blasted out of my keyboard yesterday morning. :D

Hey! Wait a sec!...what are you saying about me and/or my computer?!?! :mad:

I was referring to myself in regards to Wes' comment. . . LOL. . .but if the shoe fits. . . :lmao:

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is three o'clock in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it is three in the morning and it is pouring out!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double-pane energy efficient kind. But this week I got a call from the contractor complaining that his work had been completed a whole year ago and I had yet to pay for them.

Boy oh boy, did we go around! Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I proceeded to tell him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year... that in one year the windows would pay for themselves.

There was silence on the other end of the line so I just hung up and

I haven't heard back.

Guess I won that stupid argument.

"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk

ROFLMBO!!

A little bit of Candian humour brought back at the reminder of the thread on Egypt. Country stereotypes....I guess one beer company in Canada had had enough...and before it can too political, the humour comes back.

From Joe Canadian

I am not a lumberjack or a fur trader,
And I don't live in an igloo or eat blubber or own a dogsled,
And I don't know Jimmy, Sally, or Susie from Canada,
Although I am certain they are really, really nice.
I have a Prime Minister, not a President.
I speak English and French, not American.
And I pronounce it "about"...not "a-boot".
I can proudly sew my country's flag on my backpack.
I believe in peacekeeping not policing;
Diveristy not assimilation;
And that the beaver is a truly proud and noble animal!
A touque is a hat; a chesterfield is a couch.
And it is pronounced ZED not ZEE, ZED!
Canada is the 2nd largest landmass,
The first nation of hockey,
And the best part of North America!
My name is <insert name here> and I...AM...CANADIAN!

Of course, then the parodies started.

William Shatner at the 2000 (?) "Just for Laughs" festival in Montreal, Quebec, Canada

I am not Starfleet Commander, or T.J. Hooker.
I don't live on Starship N C C dash 1 7 0 1, or own a phaser.
And I don't know anybody named Bones, Sulu or Spock.
And no, I've never had green alien sex, although I'm sure it would be quite an evening.
<"Pomp and Circumstance" starts to play>
I speak English and French, not KLINGON!
I drink Labatt's, not Romulan ale!
And when someone says to me 'Live long and prosper', I seriously mean it when I say 'Get a life.'
My doctor's name is not McCoy, it's Ginsberg.
And Tribbles were PUPPETS not real animals. PUPPETS!
And when I speak, I never, ever talk like every. Word. Is. Its. Own. Sentence.
I live in California, but I was raised in Montreal.
I believe in Priceline Dot Com where you never have to pay full price for airline tickets, hotels, or car rentals.
I have appeared on stage at Stratford, Carnegie Hall, Albert and at the Monkland Theatre in NDG.*
And yes, I've gone where no man has gone before, but I was in Mexico and her father gave me permission.
My name is William Shatner and I am Canadian.

* NDG = Notre Dame de Grace in Montreal, Quebec.

Roxane,

I could not pass this up and had to have a go myself. Here is my Ode.

I am not a crocodile hunter or a blonde headed surfer
And I don’t live in an outback station or eat kangaroo or own a didgeridoo
And I don’t know your friend that used to live in Sydney or backpacked around Ayers Rock
I have a Prime Minister not a President
I speak and spell in English not American
And I say G’Day not ‘Have a nice day’
My Flag depicts the Southern Cross (5 stars not 50)
The Koala is not a Bear but a Marsupial
And there has never been a Kangaroo that has been a Captain
Our Cars run on Petrol not Gas
A Centimetre is not 0.394 inches its 1 Centimetre
Australia is the largest Island
The first Nation of Cricket
And the best part of the Southern Hemisphere
My name is <insert name here> and I…..AM …..AUSTRALIAN

I could not find a 'Tongue in Cheek' Smilie
Greg B

I just wanted to share this.

This is pretty neat how it works out.
> This is cool chocolate math!!!!!!!
> DON'T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST! :mad:
> It takes less than a minute.......
> Work this out as you read.
> Be sure you don't read the bottom until you've worked it out! This is
> not one of those waste of time things, it's fun.
>
> 1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would
> like to have chocolate. (try for more than once but less than 10)
>
>
> 2. Multiply this number by 2 (Just to be bold)
>
>
> 3. Add 5. (for Sunday)
>
>
> 4. Multiply it by 50 I'll wait while you get the
> calculator................
>
>
> 5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1754.... If
> you haven't, add 1753 ......
>
>
> 6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born.
>
> !
> You should have a three digit number ..
>
> The first digit of this was your original number (i.e., how many times
> you want to have chocolate each week).
>
> The next two numbers are ........
>
> YOUR AGE! ~ ( Oh YES, it IS!!!!! ) :agree1:
>
> THIS IS THE ONLY YEAR IT WILL EVER WORK, SO
> SPREAD IT AROUND WHILE IT LASTS :rolleyes:

Roxane,

I could not pass this up and had to have a go myself. Here is my Ode.

I am not a crocodile hunter or a blonde headed surfer
And I don’t live in an outback station or eat kangaroo or own a didgeridoo
And I don’t know your friend that used to live in Sydney or backpacked around Ayers Rock
I have a Prime Minister not a President
I speak and spell in English not American
And I say G’Day not ‘Have a nice day’
My Flag depicts the Southern Cross (5 stars not 50)
The Koala is not a Bear but a Marsupial
And there has never been a Kangaroo that has been a Captain
Our Cars run on Petrol not Gas
A Centimetre is not 0.394 inches its 1 Centimetre
Australia is the largest Island
The first Nation of Cricket
And the best part of the Southern Hemisphere
My name is <insert name here> and I…..AM …..AUSTRALIAN

I could not find a 'Tongue in Cheek' Smilie
Greg B

Awesome! :agree1: If I had any Aussies here, I'd share it with them! :applause:

> 1. Pick a number
OK, x

> 2. Multiply this number by 2 (Just to be bold)
2x

> 3. Add 5. (for Sunday)
2x + 5

> 4. Multiply it by 50 I'll wait while you get the
> calculator................
(2x + 5) * 50 = 100x + 250

> 5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1754.... If
> you haven't, add 1753 ......
100x + 250 + 1754 = 100x + 2004 = 100x + current year

> 6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born.
100x + (current year - year you were born) = 100x + age
(Unless you haven't had your birthday yet.)

> The first digit of this was your original number
Yes.

> The next two numbers are ........
Yes.

> THIS IS THE ONLY YEAR IT WILL EVER WORK, SO
> SPREAD IT AROUND WHILE IT LASTS http://elsmar.com/Forums/images/smilies/rolleyes-a1.gif
Just add 1755 or 1754 next year ...

Tim F



P.S. I also feel the need to give the secrets to magic tricks that friends try.http://elsmar.com/Forums/images/smilies/lmao.gif

SPREAD IT AROUND WHILE IT LASTS
Just add 1755 or 1754 next year ...

P.S. I also feel the need to give the secrets to magic tricks that friends try.

Where's a party-pooper icon when we need one?!?! :p

We're about to enter the peak of the hurricane season. Any day now, you're going to turn on the TV and see a weather person pointing to some radar blob out in the Atlantic Ocean and making two basic meteorological points.

(1) There is no need to panic.

(2) We could all be killed.

Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in North Carolina. If you're new to the area, you're probably wondering what you need to do to prepare for the possibility that we'll get hit by "the big one." Based on our experiences, we recommend that you follow this simple three-step hurricane preparedness plan:

STEP 1: Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at least three days.

STEP 2: Put these supplies into your car.

STEP 3: Drive to Nebraska and remain there until Halloween.

Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay here in North Carolina. We'll start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness items:

HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE: If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance. Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your home meets two basic requirements:

(1) It is reasonably well-built, and

(2) It is located in Nebraska.

Unfortunately, if your home is located in North Carolina, or any other area that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance, because then they might be required to pay YOU money, and that is certainly not why they got into the insurance business in the first place. So you'll have to scrounge around for an insurance company, which will charge you an annual premium roughly equal to the replacement value of your house. At any moment, this company can drop you like used dental floss. Since Hurricane George, I have had an estimated 27 different home-insurance companies. This week, I'm covered by the Bob and Big Stan Insurance Company, under a policy which states that, in addition to my premium, Bob and Big Stan are entitled, on demand, to my kidneys.

SHUTTERS: Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the windows, all the doors, and -- if it's a major hurricane -- all the toilets.

There are several types of shutters, with advantages and disadvantages:

Plywood shutters: The advantage is that, because you make them yourself, they're cheap. The disadvantage is that, because you make them yourself, they will fall off.

Sheet-metal shutters: The advantage is that these work well, once you get them all up. The disadvantage is that once you get them all up, your hands will be useless bleeding stumps, and it will be December.

Roll-down shutters: The advantages are that they're very easy to use, and will definitely protect your house. The disadvantage is that you will have to sell your house to pay for them.

Hurricane-proof windows: These are the newest wrinkle in hurricane protection: They look like ordinary windows, but they can withstand hurricane winds! You can be sure of this, because the salesman says so. He lives in Nebraska.

Hurricane Proofing your property: As the hurricane approaches, check your yard for movable objects like barbecue grills, planters, patio furniture, visiting relatives, etc... You should, as a precaution, throw these items into your swimming pool (if you don't have a swimming pool, you should have one built immediately). Otherwise, the hurricane winds will turn these objects into deadly missiles.

EVACUATION ROUTE: If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route planned out. (To determine whether you live in a low-lying area, look at your driver's license; if it says "North Carolina," you live in a low-lying area). The purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being trapped in your home when a major storm hits. Instead, you will be trapped in a gigantic traffic jam several miles from your home, along with two hundred thousand other evacuees. So, as a bonus, you will not be lonely.

HURRICANE SUPPLIES: If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of supplies. Do not buy them now! North Carolina tradition requires that you wait until the last possible minute, then go to the supermarket and get into vicious fights with strangers over who gets the last can of SPAM.

In addition to food and water, you will need the following supplies:

23 flashlights. At least $167 worth of batteries that turn out, when the power goes off, to be the wrong size for the flashlights.

Bleach. (No, I don't know what the bleach is for. NOBODY knows what the bleach is for, but it's traditional, so GET some!)

55 gallon drum of underarm deodorant.

A big knife that you can strap to your leg. (This will be useless in a hurricane, but it looks cool.) A large quantity of raw chicken, to placate the alligators. (Ask anybody who went through Andrew; after the hurricane, there WILL be irate alligators.) $35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane passes, you can buy a generator from a man with no discernible teeth.

Of course these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane draws near, it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by turning > > on your television and watching TV reporters in rain slickers stand right next to the ocean and tell you over and over how vitally important it is for everybody to stay away from the ocean.

Good luck, and remember: Its great living in Paradise.

We're about to enter the peak of the hurricane season. ...
STEP 3: Drive to Nebraska and remain there until Halloween.
...
(2) It is located in Nebraska.
...
You can be sure of this, because the salesman says so. He lives in Nebraska.
Of course when go to Nebraska for the East Coast/Gulf Coast hurricane season, you are not likely to see a hurricane there. Instead they have little things called Tornadoes. You have to remember these things about them:

They are cyclones. That means they look exactly like a hurricane but about a bazillion times smaller in diameter. Instead of destroying an entire state, they will destroy your entire neigborhood.
Due to the conservation of momentum or some such thing, the winds in a tornado start at about where hurricanes end, and increase from there. Concentrated destruction on the run. If it absolutely, positively must be destroyed overnight and you don't have a Marine handy, a tornado is the thing to use.
Whereas with a hurricane you get about five or ten days warning, tornadoes are sneaky and only give you five or ten minutes warning - if you have good karma that day.
Tornadoes are somehow attrached to certain areas ... mobile home parks, main streets of quaint historic towns, and so on. If you are in one of these places and detect a tornado, move to North Carolina at once.
Tornadoes will not take you to the land of OZ (crossing the Pacific is too much for them.) However, one might take you to Kansas.

We're about to enter the peak of the hurricane season. ...
Bleach. (No, I don't know what the bleach is for. NOBODY knows what the bleach is for, but it's traditional, so GET some!)
(Serious this time)
I'm sure SteelMaiden actually does know what the bleach is for, but for those who have never had the pleasure of surviving a major hurricane (Hugo, September 1989, Charleston SC) here is what you do with bleach: you use it to purify water so you can safely drink it. For this purpose it MUST be plain ordinary unscented and otherwise un-messed-around-with bleach. This is important becasue the electricity will be off for a week or more, and everything will be flooded.
(End of seriousness)

Steelmaiden,

I have just got to work and everyone is wondering why I am laughing. laughter is the best tonic. This is as good as Roxane's Joe the Canadian. Well done.

Greg B

> Just add 1755 or 1754 next year ...

Tim F

P.S. I also feel the need to give the secrets to magic tricks that friends try.http://elsmar.com/Forums/images/smilies/lmao.gifGee, Tim, I will have to use only my BEST magic tricks when we meet in a saloon some time! If you must give away the secrets, at least wait until we finagle a few free beverages from bartender or other patrons.

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight.

Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!"

Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

A passenger in coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"

Where is the humor?

[Deleted at Bob's request.]Gee - sounds like this should have been in the regular Forums, not humor. Clueless? Oh yeah!

I wonder why we haven't seen this commercial yet?

Dear Tide,
I'm writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all through my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my fifties, I find it even better!

In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to berate me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with a lot of his blood on my white blouse. I tried to get the stain out using a bargain detergent, but it just wouldn't come out. After a quick trip to the supermarket, I purchased a bottle of liquid Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out!

In fact, the stains came out so well the Detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I would no longer be considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband. What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having such a great product.
Well, gotta go. I have to write a letter to the Hefty bag people.

Sincerely,
A Satisfied Customer

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked
into a bar. She raised her right arm, revealing a
huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people
sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy
a lady a drink?"
The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore
her. But down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed
drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and
bellowed; "Give the ballerina a drink!"
The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged
it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed
around at all of them, revealing the same hairy
armpit, and asked; "What man here will buy a lady a
drink?"
Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money
down on the bar and said: "Give the ballerina another
drink!"

The bartender approached the little drunk and said;
"I say, old chap, it's your business if you want to
buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her
the ballerina?"
The drunk replied; "Any woman who can lift her leg
that high has to be a ballerina!"

A man escapes from prison where he had been for 15 years. He finds a house and breaks into it looking for money but only finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him up in a chair. While tying the girl up to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck, then goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy looks like an escaped prisoner. He probably hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, just do what he tells you, just give him satisfaction. This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which the wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck, he was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we kept any vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too.

Has anyone heard about the gay midget that came out of the cupboard? :cool:

I saw this on thisistrue.com and if it is true, is pretty funny. Maybe Claes can tell us if it is true or not.

PAGING COLONEL HOGAN: A prison in Port Augusta, S.A., Australia, opted to
turn off a faulty sensor on a fence rather than pay A$75,000 to replace
it, but officials were still surprised to learn inmates were taking
advantage of the security hole. Guards caught a prisoner after he
briefly escaped and went to a party in town to buy drugs, and then
returned. The man admitted that brief escapes were "quite common" among
the prisoners in the affected pod, which included a murderer. "I make
no excuses for it," said Correctional Services chief Peter Severin.
"But in an open security environment you manage in an environment of
trust." (Adelaide Advertiser)

IMaybe Claes can tell us if it is true or not.Quoi? Moi? :confused: Aaaaah, nope.... I haven't even tried to break out ...oooopssss... I mean, the missus does let me out regularly.... What more can you ask?:lol:

/Claes

I just received this. I'm sure the Girls will like this one.

This was an actual warning I saw on a package of generic animal crackers:

"Do not eat if seal is broken."


Tim F

That's funny!

Here are a couple of "reasons" I have learned to enjoy Golf as a recreational activity (Ouch :mg: )

So, a sheep is taking his driving test. The instructor asks "Can you make a u-turn?"

The sheep says "Heck, I'll make her eyes roll!"

So, a sheep is taking his driving test. The instructor asks "Can you make a u-turn?"

The sheep says "Heck, I'll make her eyes roll!"

That is "baaaaaaaaad!" Sorry....couldn't resist... :)

That is "baaaaaaaaad!" Sorry....couldn't resist... :)
LOL - isn't it though!

CAN COLD WATER CLEAN DISHES?

A man went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded,
rural area of Georgia.

After spending the night, his grandfather prepared breakfast for him consisting of eggs and bacon.

He noticed a film -- like substance on his plate and he questioned his grandfather...."are these plates clean?"


His grandfather replied, "Those plates are as clean as cold water can get them, so go on and finish your meal".

That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for
lunch, he noticed tiny specks around the edge of his plate, and a substance
that looked like dried egg yokes..... so he ask again, "Are you sure these
plates are clean"?

Without looking up from his hamburger, the grandfather says, "I told
you before; those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't
ask me about it anymore!"


Later that afternoon, he was on his way out to get dinner in a nearby
town.
As he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl and wouldn't
let him pass so he said,
"Grandfather, your dog won't let me out."

Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching
on TV his grandfather shouted, ..."COLDWATER, Go lay down!

CAN COLD WATER CLEAN DISHES?

A man went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded,
rural area of Georgia.

After spending the night, his grandfather prepared breakfast for him consisting of eggs and bacon.

He noticed a film -- like substance on his plate and he questioned his grandfather...."are these plates clean?"


His grandfather replied, "Those plates are as clean as cold water can get them, so go on and finish your meal".

That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for
lunch, he noticed tiny specks around the edge of his plate, and a substance
that looked like dried egg yokes..... so he ask again, "Are you sure these
plates are clean"?

Without looking up from his hamburger, the grandfather says, "I told
you before; those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't
ask me about it anymore!"


Later that afternoon, he was on his way out to get dinner in a nearby
town.
As he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl and wouldn't
let him pass so he said,
"Grandfather, your dog won't let me out."

Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching
on TV his grandfather shouted, ..."COLDWATER, Go lay down!


Hey, wait a minute, I live in rural Georgia, and I have never heard of a dog named Coldwater. Rascal, maybe, and a few "mutt boy"s, but no Coldwater.

Dog likely couldn't even tree a racoon.

Sirlard, you pulling our legs again?

Graig,
Please note the qualifier words in the phrase “in a very secluded rural area of Georgia.” You must live in just "rural Georgia."

Jim

A big Texan cowboy stopped at a local restaurant following a day of drinking and roaming around in Mexico. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table.

Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"

The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"

The cowboy, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the heck, I'm on vacation down here! Bring me an order!"

The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy."

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.

After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday."

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins!" :eek:

According to today's regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who were kids in the 40's, 50's, and 60's, probably shouldn't have survived. Our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paint.

What, you had a crib?

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets, and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets.(Not to mention the risks we took hitchhiking.)

As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags. Riding in the back of a pickup truck on a warm day was always a special treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle. and it was good. The Horror!

We ate cupcakes, bread and butter, and drank soda pop with sugar in it, but we were never overweight because we were always outside playing. Hostess was our friend.

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle, and no one actually died from this. That we know of... :-)

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of old skates and found wood out of scraps and then rode down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. We did the Fred Flintstone Stop .. without PF Flyers.

After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the street lights came on. That was standard.

No one was able to reach us all day. No cell phones. Unthinkable! We did not have Playstations, Nintendo 64, X-Boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, video tape movies, surround sound, personal cell phones, personal computers, or Internet chat rooms. We had friends! We went outside and found them.

We played dodge ball, and sometimes, the ball would really hurt. We fell out of trees, got cut and broke bones and teeth, and there were no lawsuits from these accidents. They were accidents. No one was to blame but us. Remember accidents?

We had fights and punched each other and got black and blue and learned to get over it.

We made up games with sticks and tennis balls and ate worms, and although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes, nor did the worms live inside us forever.

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's home and knocked on the door, or rang the bell or just walked in and talked to them.

Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. What a concept.

Some students weren't as smart as others, so they failed a grade and were held back to repeat the same grade. Horrors! Tests were not adjusted for any reason. Pass on merit... what a concept.

Our actions were our own. Consequences were expected, no one to hide behind. The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke a law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law. Imagine that!

This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers and problem solvers and inventors, ever. The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas. We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all.

And if you were a kid growing up in the 40's, 50's, and 60's, you're one of them. Congratulations! We made it!

Randy, I did all that except eat the worms :rolleyes:

Our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paint. We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets, and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets. We would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags [or] in the back of a pickup truck. We drank water from the garden hose. We would spend hours building our go-carts [without] brakes.
And we ended up in quality assurance. So what's your point? :rolleyes:

By the way, my sneakers were Red Ball Jets. We also ate the icicles hanging from the eaves. Today, we would be taken from our parents and put into child protective services. :mg:

Comic books, Monopoly, cards on the covered porch on rainy days.

Sleeping in the yard or on the fire escape on warm, humid nights (no A/C.)

Sandlot baseball - another kid was the ump (usually the crippled kid, because if you lived in the neighborhood, you were included, even if we had to beg your mom to let you play - our guy was on crutches from polio - no lip or you caught a crutch in the ribs), no coaches, no moms. Teams were different every day. Girls could play, if they were good enough. If you got picked last, it was because you weren't good enough to get picked earlier. If your big brother was on the team, you could sit on the bench with the players.

Guys were smart enough to gang up on a bully and teach him a lesson - no one cried to mom.

You collected enough empty bottles in vacant lots to use the deposit to buy a Popsicle.

You walked or rode your bike - nobody rode in a car except on the weekend with the whole family and you punched your brother because he was on your side of the bench seat (no bucket seats or "captain's chairs")

When football season began, baseballs went into the garage or basement. The season lasted until the Rose Bowl. Nobody in the neighborhood had helmets or pads, so we played "touch" (full tackles were allowed as long as you grabbed below the knees - it settled any disputes about whether you were "touched.")

Basketball (1/2 court) was what you played when there weren't enough guys around for baseball or football. Mostly just 2 or three guys playing "21" or "horse."

Tennis courts were concrete with wire nets. We used them to rollerskate (clamp-on with steel wheels) - I never knew anyone who owned a tennis racket until I got to college.

Winter was for ice skating on a flooded lot or sledding on a hill of dirt from an excavated foundation. Snowball fights were WAR!

Sandlot baseball - another kid was the ump (usually the crippled kid, because if you lived in the neighborhood, you were included, even if we had to beg your mom to let you play - our guy was on crutches from polio - no lip or you caught a crutch in the ribs),

The littlest kid on the block we let hike the football. That kid is now my family doctor! It's a good thing I was nice to him and let him play.

Not sure how true it is but humorous nonetheless. ;)
__________________________________________________________________________

It was an actual letter sent to Ryan DeVries from the Michigan Department of Environmental Quality, State of Michigan.
Wait till you read this guy's response-but read the letter before you get to the response.

Mr. Ryan DeVries

SUBJECT: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County

Dear Mr. DeVries:
It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:

Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond. A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity.
A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued. Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.
The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at
downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 2002.
Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that our staff may schedule a follow-up site inspection. Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action. We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.
Sincerely, David L. Price
District Representative
Land and Water Management Division

RESPONSE
Dear Mr. Price: Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County
Your certified letter dated 12/17/97 has been handed to me to respond to.

First of all, Mr. Ryan De Vries is not the legal landowner and/or contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson, Michigan. I am the legal owner and a couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of natural building materials "debris."

I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.

As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity.

My first dam question to you is (1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers or (2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request?

If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.

I have several concerns. My first concern is-aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation-so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event causing flooding is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling their dam names.

If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition - please contact the beavers - but if you are going to arrest them (they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter being unable to read English)

In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam right than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams.)

So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2002? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then.

In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention a real environmental quality (health) problem in the area. It is the bears.

Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone.

If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! (The bears are not careful where they dump!)

Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.

Beware of Lanterns!

Deep In the back woods of East Tennessee, a hillbilly's wife went
into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called
out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor
handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here. You hold this
high so I can see what I am doing."

Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. "Whoa there," said
the doctor, "Don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down. I
think there's another one coming."
Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl.

"Wait! Hold that lantern up! Don't set it down -- here comes
another one!" said the doctor. Within a few minutes he had
delivered a third baby.

"Hey, hold on, not yet! Don't be in a hurry to put down that
lantern. It seems here's yet another one coming!" cried the
doctor.


The confused hillbilly scratched his head in bewilderment and
asked the doctor, " So, you reckon it might be the light that's
attractin' em ?!"

1923,
Who Was
1. President of the largest steel company?
2. President of the largest gas company?
3. President of the New York Stock Exchange?
4. Greatest wheat speculator?
5. President of the Bank of International Settlement?
6. Great Bear of Wall Street?

These men were considered some of the worlds most successful of their day.
Now, 80 years later, the history book asks us if we know what ultimately became of them.

The Answers:
1. The president of the largest steel company, Charles Schwab, died a pauper.
2. The president of the largest gas company, Edward Hopson, went insane.
3. The president of the NYSE, Richard Whitney, was released from prison to die at home.
4. The greatest wheat speculator, Arthur Cooger, died abroad, penniless.
5. The president of the Bank of International Settlement, shot himself.
6. The Great Bear of Wall Street, Cosabee Livermore, also committed suicide.

However, in that same year, 1923, the PGA Champion and the winner of the most important golf tournament, the US Open, was Gene Sarazen.
What became of him?
He played golf until he was 92, died in 1999 at the age of 95.
He was financially secure at the time of his death.

The Moral:
Screw work.
Play golf.

Does the statement, "We've always done it that way" ring any bells...? :frust:


The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number.


Why was that gauge used? :confused:


Because that's the way they built them in England, and English expatriates built the US Railroads.


Why did the English build them like that?


Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.


Why did "they" use that gauge then?


Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.


Okay! Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing?


Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.


So who built those old rutted roads?


Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (and England) for their legions. The roads have been used ever since.


And the ruts in the roads?


Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing.


The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot. And bureaucracies live forever.


So the next time you are handed a spec and told we have always done it that way and wonder what horse's backside came up with that, you may be exactly right, because the Imperial Roman war chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the back ends of two war horses.


Now the twist to the story...


When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah. The engineers who designed the SRBs would have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site.


The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains. The SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds.


So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a Horse's backside.


And you thought being a horse's backside wasn't important!!! :horse:

THIS IS SOME CHILLI CONTEST! :truce:

If you can read this whole story without tears of laughter running down your cheeks then there's no hope for you! :lol:

Note: Please take time to read this slowly.
If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better! For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chilli Cook-off about the time the Rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome. The notes are from an inexperienced Chilli taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast.


Frank: "Recently, I was honoured to be selected as a judge at chilli cook-off. The Judge #3 called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in.
I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chilli wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted".


Here are the scorecards from the event:


Chilli # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chilli

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.

Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy sh*t, what the **** is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.


Chilli # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chilli

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.


Chilli # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chilli

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chilli. Great kick. Needs more beans.

Judge # 2 -- A beanless chilli, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t-faced from all of the beer.


Chilli # 4 Bubba's Black Magic

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chilli with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chilli.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb wench is starting to look HOT. just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chilli an aphrodisiac?


Chilli # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chilli. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chilli using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chilli had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really p*sses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.


Chilli # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chilli. Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

Judge #3-- I sh*t myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my :ca: with a snow cone.


Chilli # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chilli

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chilli with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chilli peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chilli, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like poop to match my shirt.
At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Scr*w it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.


Chilli # 8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chilli

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chilli.
Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chilli.
Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chilli pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chilli?
:biglaugh:

Confessions of a Thinker

It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then--to loosen up. Inevitably, though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker. I began to think alone -- "to relax," I told myself -- but I knew it wasn't true. Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time.

That was when things began to sour at home. One evening I had turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life. She spent that night at her mother's.

I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don't mix, but I couldn't stop myself. I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau and Kafka. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, "What is it exactly we are doing here?"

One day the boss called me in. He said, "Listen, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don't stop thinking on the job, you'll have to find another job." This gave me a lot to think about.

I came home early after my conversation with the boss. "Honey," I confessed, "I've been thinking ..." "I know you've been thinking," she said, "and I want a divorce!"

"But honey, surely it's not that serious."

"It is serious," she said, lower lip aquiver. "You think as much as college professors, and college professors don't make any money, so if you keep on thinking, we won't have any money!"

"That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently. She exploded in tears of rage and frustration, but I was in no mood to deal with the emotional drama. "I'm going to the library," I snarled as I stomped out the door. I headed for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche. I roared into the parking lot with NPR on the radio and ran up to the big glass doors... They didn't open. The library was closed. To this day, I believe that a Higher Power was looking out for me that night.

As I sank to the ground, clawing at the unfeeling glass, whimpering for
Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye. "Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your
life?" it asked. You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinker's Anonymous poster. Which is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker.

I never miss a TA meeting.

At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was "Porky's." Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting. I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home.

Life just seemed... easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking.

I am happy to report that the road to recovery is nearly complete for me. I
never think any more; hopefully, I can resist ever thinking again.

Subject: Downsizing!


Dear Loyal Employees:

As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for
department areas, we are forced to cut down on our
number of personnel. Under this plan, older employees
will be asked to take early retirement, thus
permitting the retention of younger people who
represent our future.

Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by
the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement,
will be placed into effect immediately. This program
will be known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged Personnel).

Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the
opportunity to look for jobs outside the company.
SLAPPED employees can request a review of their
employment records before actual retirement takes
place.

This review phase of the program is called SCREW
(Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers). All
employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file
an appeal with upper management.

This appeal is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority
Following Termination). Under the terms of the new
policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED
twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company
deems appropriate.

If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she
will be entitled to get HERPES (Half Earnings for
Retired Personnel's Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined
Lump-sum Assistance Payment).

As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any
employee who has received HERPES or CLAP will no
longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company.

Management wishes to assure the younger employees who
remain on board that the company will continue its
policy of training employees through our Special High
Intensity Training (****). We take pride in the amount
of **** our employees receive. We have given our
employees more **** than any company in this area. If
any employee feels they do not receive enough **** on
the job, see your immediate supervisor. Your
supervisor is specially trained to make sure you
receive all the **** you can stand.

And, once again, thanks for all your years of service
with us.

The Management

The response is funny, but the job description has a charm of its own. Names have been changed.
-----------

Conscious Choice Associate Editor (AE)
Job Description: (24 hours per week, $12 per hour)

This is a mid-level position. Although the AE works very closely with the editor, the AE also works independently and gives direction to others. The following is an outline of the various job duties of this position(written by our former AE).

Editorial:
We consider this the most important component of the job as it is imperative that the A.E. be able to not only write/rewrite and edit very well but also coordinate our internship program and supervise the interns.

Editing Choice News (News Shorts) & Choice Events (Events Calendar):
This is a VERY time consuming part of the job, because, not only do you have to copy edit these sections, but you have to oversee the interns' writing progress as they rewrite most of the Choice News content. Another note: We use AP Stylebook

Emails:
I am on several PR lists, from which I get a lot of material for Choice News. I also get email from many different PR agencies and companies that have me as their contact person here. We pass on press releases for products and books to the advertising depts. Importantly, Conscious Choice practices editorial integrity by maintaining an arms length distance from advertising. We neither engage in "advertorials" nor derive editorial content from advertising leads.

Intern supervision:
This is a biggie. What you need to keep in mind first and foremost is that the interns are here to learn. Conscious Choice has a reputation among area writing programs as being the best place to do a journalism internship. That said, I want to stress that we pride ourselves on giving our interns as much writing experience as possible while they are with us. I do give them odd jobs to do, such as mailing out subscriptions or sorting through past issues to find articles on a particular topic. But their main job is writing, and they do a lot of it.

General Office duties:

Fielding reader phone calls- This is a time-consuming part of my job, readers frequently call us looking for contact information or suggestions on any number of topics, and it generally means I have to do some sort of research to get an answer for them. I also f/u on calls that the editor channels my way. Responsible for the filing of art used in past issues. This is very much a work in progress, and needs to be worked toward completion.

Maintain subscriptions database- I enter the subscriptions every month before the press check (usually the last Monday of the month). I print the labels -- 3rd class labels go to Phoenix Web with Ross/James, and 1st class labels get mailed out from the office.

Writers- I regularly update the writer database, by adding new writer information (name, telephone, email, etc) and by producing contracts for writers, as they are assigned stories.

Mailing- I send out the first class subscriptions as soon as the magazines come into the office, along with any miscellaneous issues that have been requested. I send back the disks and artwork to advertisers. I empty the editorial artwork binder (light blue) for the month, and mail back the artwork. This is a good task for the interns to help you with when they're bored of sitting at their computers.

Postage machine- The bookkeeper sends postage every couple of weeks, and I log the postage onto the meter. Between the two of us, she and I try to stay fairly on top of the postage situation.

Sales Support Emptying contracts book- this needs to be done after the magazine is printed every month. Contracts and their artwork get separated and then filed.

--------------

Dear Conscious Choice magazine:

As a graduate of the Medill School of Journalism, I can only hope that you will seriously consider me for the position of associate editor. I am certain I am worthy of the generous compensation package of nearly $15,000 per year, which is well over half what my education cost each year at Northwestern. I assume I'll be exempt from income taxes at this salary level, and I'm psyched that after buying two El tokens per day to commute, I'll have more than $13,500 left over with which to pay my living expenses. As a socially progressive organization, I hope you won't be too ashamed of the ostentatious lifestyle I plan to adopt. With Chicago's low cost of living, this will be like spending rubles in Communist Russia. Wait -- I meant like spending AMERICAN DOLLARS in Communist Russia.

I look forward to the freedom I will enjoy while, working just three days per week, I'll be able to focus my energies on managing a staff, plowing through a mountain of press releases, massaging them with journalistic independence into editorial content, forwarding others to the ad sales staff with equal editorial independence, writing and editing the magazine, handling filing, managing your subscription database and sticking labels on all the outgoing issues -- oh, and answering the telephone and providing clerical support to the ad sales staff with yet still more editorial independence.

My journalism skills are a little better than my secretarial ones, but it sounds like I'll have plenty of free time on the job to brush up on them. If you have a coffee pot, will I be allowed to operate it? This is a biggie. I am excellent at this, though I would be unable to provide the coffee grounds themselves. I would also be willing to drop off bundles of the publication at locations that are on my way home from work or to learn what I can about operating a printing press.

Thank you for considering me for a "mid-level" position like this, which I understand requires far less dusting and vacuuming than those sought-after but dues-paying entry level jobs at your organization. Doesn't it?

As a courtesy, I feel I should disclose that I am presently in the running for one other job, as a management trainee at Walgreens Corp. The only advantages over your position are that it pays in the mid-30s, that it offers opportunities for advancement and that mind-numbing drugs would be readily available to me. But it doesn't sound like there'd be as much chance to practice my craft of journalism, unless you count making up slogans for the plastic letter board out front.

Sincerely,
Brian Jones, Medill '94

P.S.: Is there a cheap lunch place nearby your office? Like a soup kitchen? If there's one of those day-old Wonder Bread outlets within a 20-block walk, I'd be happy to make everyone lunch the days I'm not busy.

A college professor was doing a study testing
the senses of first graders using a bowl of lifesavers. He
gave all the children
the same kind of lifesavers, one at a
time, and asked them to
identify them by color and flavor. The
children began to
say: Red............cherry
Yellow........lemon
Green........lime
Orange......orange
Finally the professor
gave them all honey lifesavers. After eating
them for a few minutes none of the children could identify the
taste. "Well"' he said, "I'll give you a clue. It's what your
mother might sometimes call your father." One little girl
looked up in horror, spit
hers out and yelled, "Oh, my God! They're
a--holes!

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to

my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.





"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds."



Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.



"How long will this take?" I asked.



"They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband replies.



I stopped. “Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper

between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"



Without missing a beat he says "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"

Now that I've picked myself up off the floor and stopped laughing, I do have to chastise you for such a politically incorrect joke.

EXCELLENT ONE>....can't wait to tell my wife :-)

After having their 11th child, a North Georgia Mountain couple decided that 11 was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in the North Georgia Mountains), light it, put it in an empty beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The redneck said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

"Trust me," said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count:

1

2

3

4

5

At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Kentucky, Tennessee, Mississippi, Arkansas, West Virginia and most places in Texas.

After having their 11th child, a North Georgia Mountain couple decided that 11 was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in the North Georgia Mountains), light it, put it in an empty beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The redneck said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

"Trust me," said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count:

1

2

3

4

5

At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Kentucky, Tennessee, Mississippi, Arkansas, West Virginia and most places in Texas.
So where was the doctor from?

So where was the doctor from?

The doctor is from Ohio and his Brother lives in Virginia.

This procedure also works in Kentucky, Tennessee, Mississippi, Arkansas, West Virginia and most places in Texas.
You forgot North Carolina

A husband and wife are sitting on the couch one night, looking over photos of their now-grown children. As they talk about them, the husband notes that the youngest has always looked very much different from the others. He in fact begins to talk about how ugly and unintelligent the child always was and begins to harp on it a bit, causing the wife to ask him what he's talking about. The husband finally comes right out and asks the wife if the child is really his, or if the wife had an affair. The wife, shocked at the husband's question, is speechless. The husband quickly tries to reassure the wife of his undying love, but asks again if the wife has had an affair in the past. He reassures her that he will never leave her or lose his love for her, no matter what she answers. She relents and admits to an affair in the past. The husband jumps off the couch in anger, crying that he knew it was so, and demanding to know who the father of the child is.

The wife replies to her husband that HE is the father of the child in question. :mg: :lol: :eek:

Just to make some kind of self-irony point, I think my first post in the humour forum should be about my own place... :D


After being taken prisoner from the Iraqi resistance, an American, an UK and an Italian soldier are tortured so that they reveal their HQ position.

After two days of tortures, tied on a chair, the UK soldier can’t resist anymore and tell them the whole action plan of his Army. He’s untied and thrown into a stinky cave.

After 5 days of tortures also the US soldier can’t resist anymore and do the same, being thrown into the same cave, with the UK soldier.

The Italian resists two weeks of incredible tortures, so the Iraqi resistance can only untie him from the chair and let him go to the cave with the others, sure he can’t know anything valuable about war strategies and positions.

The UK and US soldier start immediately questioning him, to know how he could resist for so much and which modern anti-examination techniques he was using. The Italian answers, gesturing with his hands in the air: “It is that I can’t talk without my hands!” (please read with typical Italian accent) :lol: :lol:

Funny.

Welcome to the Cove Higgson.

Dave

“It is that I can’t talk without my hands!” (please read with typical Italian accent) :lol: :lol:


Antoher great thing about the internet - here we all "talk with our hands"!!!

:biglaugh:

A real timid looking little guy came into the saloon with a big shiner.
The bartender looked at him sympathetically and said,
"Lost another fight with the wife again, huh?"
The little guy answered with a pugnacious tone,
"Yeah. But at the end, she crawled to me on her hands and knees."
The bartender, astonished, asked, "What did she say?"
"Come out from under that bed, you little worm!"

Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals."

The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.

The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "****" to someone who doesn't care much about you.

Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.

The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is ****?" Come early and listen to our choir practice. Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

Please place your donation in the envelope a long with the deceased person you want remembered.

Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church Please use large double door at the side entrance.

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."

:read: ;) :biglaugh:

Archie, those were great! I think the people I work with thought I was having fits... :lmao:

I love the "gracious hostility" I never put a name to what I practice daily before, but now I know! roflmao

Randy, this is for us. :yes:


Subject: Draft the Old Guys



If I could, I'd enlist today and help my country track down those responsible for killing thousands of innocent people in New York City and Washington, DC But, I'm over 55 now and the Armed Forces say I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 35 to join the military. They've got the whole thing backwards. Instead of sending 18-year-olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys.

You shouldn't be able to join until you're at least 35. For starters: Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds.

Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. If we can't kill the enemy we'll complain them into submission. My back hurts!, I'm hungry!,Where's the remote control?


An 18-year-old hasn't had a legal beer yet and you shouldn't go to war until you're at least old enough to legally drink. An average old guy, on the other hand, has consumed 126,000 gallons of beer by the time he's 55 and a jaunt through the desert heat with a backpack and M-60 would do wonders for the old beer belly.

An 18-year-old doesn't like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys get up early every morning to pee.

If old guys are captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd probably forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.

Boot camp would actually be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we actually like soft food. We've also developed a deep appreciation for pistols and rifles. We like them almost better than naps.

They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training. I can hear the Drill Sergeant now, Get down and give me...er...one.;

And the running part is kind of a waste of energy. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to actually carry on a conversation, and to wear pants without the top of his butt crack showing and his boxer shorts sticking out.

He's still hasn't figured out that a pierced tongue catches food particles, and that a 400-watt speaker in the back seat of a Honda Accord can rupture an eardrum. All great reasons to keep our sons at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off to possible death.

Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten cowards who attacked our hearts on September 11. The last thing the enemy would want to see right now is a couple of million old farts with attitudes.

Share this with your senior friends (It's purposely in big type for us old guys...)

Now -=THAT=- post is one that I can relate to :-)

:applause:

I'm not that fond of this but you ladies might get a chuckle........ ;)

Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a
large, raging violent river. Needing to get on the other side, the first
man prayed, "God, please give me the strength to cross the river."

Poof!

God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim
across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.

After witnessing that, the second man prayed, "God, please give
me strength and the tools to cross the river."

Poof!

God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he
was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.

Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed,
"God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross
the river."

Poof!

He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one
hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.

There once was a man named John. He was from the northern part of the island and each day he had to travel all the way south to work. Now John was a very religious man, one would say a holy man.
He never missed mass, always praised the Lord. He was a very charitable person. helping his neighbours, a real holy man.

One fine morning the Lord God called him…” John………John”

John said, “What do you ask of my Lord God”
The Lord God said, “Not what I ask of you but on the contrary…what do you ask of Me. I have noted your devotion to Me and therefore I wish to grant you a wish.
Ask of Me what ever you want and I will grant you the wish.”
Thoughtfully John said, “ Yes my Lord God, you know that I live at the northern part of the island and I work at the southern part. You know how far away it is. I wish that you constructed for me a straight road, without any roundabouts, bends, side streets, nor traffic lights ………in short a straight road leading directly from home to work. So that I may arrive early at work and without any hustle.” :rolleyes:
The Lord God said, “ John, I’m very disappointed, I never realized you would ask of Me material things. You know that I can make the road easily, but did you ever realize the negative impact that I would do to the environment, the fields and gardens that would be destroyed to make this one road for your personal use. I did not realize that you’d be so self-centered in your wishes. I’d rather that you ask for something else.” :mad:

So John thought of something else, ”Yes my Lord God, help and enlighten me to start understanding women. Help me to know how to make them content and happy. Help me understand their thinking. Help me understand their silence, their look. Help me understand why they cry…. and do they truly cry?…….help me my Lord God” :confused:

And the Lord God replied “ Listen John…………about that road how do you think we should make it………two lanes or maybe four lanes”

Two couples were playing cards one evening. John accidentally dropped
some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them
up, he noticed that Bill's wife Sue, legs spread wide, wasn't wearing
any underwear! Shocked by this, John upon trying to sit back up again,
hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife
followed and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?"

Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted that, well, indeed
he did.

She said, "Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500." After
taking a minute or two to assess the financial as well as the moral
costs of this offer, John indicates that he is indeed interested.

She tells him that since her husband, Bill, works Friday afternoons and
John doesn't, that John should be at her house around 2:00 PM Friday
afternoon.

When Friday rolled around, John showed up at Bill's house for the
planned time with Sue at 2:00 PM sharp and after paying her the agreed
sum of $500, they went to the bedroom and closed their sexual
transaction as Sue had promised. Afterwards, John quickly dressed and
left.

As usual, Bill came home from work at 6:00 PM and upon entering the
house, asked his wife abruptly, "Did John come by the house this
afternoon?"

A little worried, Bill's wife answered, "Why yes, he did stop by for a
few minutes this afternoon?"

Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, "And did
he give you $500?"

In terror, she assumed that somehow he had found out, and after ushering
up her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me
$500."

Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying,
"Good I was hoping he did. John came by the office this morning and
borrowed $500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house this
afternoon on his way home and pay me back."

NOW THAT'S A POKER PLAYER!

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world
at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of
a very important person which almost went unnoticed
recently.

Larry La Prise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey",
died peacefully at age 93.

The most traumatic part for his family was getting him
into the coffin.

They put his left leg in. Then the trouble started.

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world
at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of
a very important person which almost went unnoticed
recently.

Larry La Prise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey",
died peacefully at age 93.

The most traumatic part for his family was getting him
into the coffin.

They put his left leg in. Then the trouble started.this is really a great joke when delivered with an absolutely deadpan face; sadly, it may not play in the 90% of the planet that has never been subjected to the hokey pokey at a campfire or a raucous wedding.

A few interesting photos!

Lifted from Sgt Gits's (Marine) forum

Borrowed from MODF at Military.com

I never dreamed slowly cruising on my motorcycle through a residential neighborhood could be so incredibly dangerous! Little did I suspect.

I was on Brice Street - a very nice neighborhood with perfect lawns and slow traffic. As I passed an oncoming car, a brown furry missile shot out from under it and tumbled to a stop immediately in front of me.

It was a squirrel, and must have been trying to run across the road when it encountered the car. I really was not going very fast, but there was no time to brake or avoid it -- it was that close. I hate to run over animals, and I really hate it on a motorcycle, but a squirrel should pose no danger to me.

I barely had time to brace for the impact. Animal lovers, never fear. Squirrels, I discovered, can take care of themselves!

Inches before impact, the squirrel flipped to his feet. He was standing on his hind legs and facing my oncoming Valkyrie with steadfast resolve in his beady little eyes.

His mouth opened, and at the last possible second, he screamed and leapt! I am pretty sure the scream was squirrel for, "Bonzai!" or maybe, "Die you gravy-sucking, heathen scum!" The leap was nothing short of spectacular...

He shot straight up, flew over my windshield, and impacted me squarely in the chest. Instantly, he set upon me. If I did not know better, I would have sworn he brought 20 of his little buddies along for the attack.

Snarling, hissing, and tearing at my clothes, he was a frenzy of activity. As I was dressed only in a light T-shirt, summer riding gloves, and jeans this was a bit of a cause for concern. This furry little tornado was doing some damage!

Picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a T-shirt, and leather gloves, puttering at maybe 25 mph down a quiet residential street, and in the fight of his life with a squirrel.

And losing...

I grabbed for him with my left hand. After a few misses, I finally managed to snag his tail. With all my strength, I flung the evil rodent off to the left of the bike, almost running into the right curb as I recoiled from the throw. That should have done it. The matter should have ended right there.

It really should have.

The squirrel could have sailed into one of the pristinely kept yards and gone on about his business, and I could have headed home. No one would have been the wiser. But this was no ordinary squirrel. This was not even an ordinary angry squirrel.

This was an EVIL MUTANT ATTACK SQUIRREL OF DEATH!

Somehow he caught my gloved finger with one of his little hands and, with the force of the throw, swung around and with a resounding thump and an amazing impact, he landed squarely on my BACK and resumed his rather antisocial and extremely distracting activities. He also managed to take my left glove with him! The situation was not improved. Not improved at all.

His attacks were continuing, and now I could not reach him. I was startled, to say the least. The combination of the force of the throw, only having one hand (the throttle hand) on the handlebars, and my jerking back unfortunately put a healthy twist through my right hand and into the throttle. A healthy twist on the throttle of a Valkyrie can only have one result.

Torque.

This is what the Valkyrie is made for, and she is very, very good at it.

The engine roared and the front wheel left the pavement. The squirrel screamed in anger. The Valkyrie screamed in ecstasy. I screamed in .. well .. I just plain screamed.

Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a slightly squirrel-torn t-shirt, wearing only one leather glove, and roaring at maybe 50 mph and rapidly accelerating down a quiet residential street on one wheel, with a demonic squirrel of death on his back.

The man and the squirrel are both screaming bloody murder. With the sudden acceleration I was forced to put my other hand back on the handlebars and try to get control of the bike.

This was leaving the mutant squirrel to his own devices, but I really did not want to crash into somebody's tree, house, or parked car. Also, I had not yet figured out how to release the throttle...my brain was just simply overloaded. I did manage to mash the back brake, but it had little effect against the massive power of the big cruiser.

About this time the squirrel decided that I was not paying sufficient attention to this very serious battle (maybe he was an evil mutant NAZI attack squirrel of death), and he came around my neck and got INSIDE my full-face helmet with me.

As the faceplate closed part way, he began hissing in my face. I am quite sure my screaming chan ged intensity. It had little effect on the squirrel, however. The RPMs on the Dragon maxed out (since I was not bothering with shifting at the moment), so her front end started to drop.

Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a very raggedly torn T-shirt, wearing only one leather glove, roaring at probably 80 mph, still on one wheel, with a large puffy squirrel's tail sticking out of the mostly closed full-face helmet. By now the screams are probably getting a little hoarse.

Finally I got the upper hand .. I managed to grab his tail again, pulled him out of my helmet, and slung him to the left as hard as I could. This time it worked ... sort-of.

Spectacularly sort-of ...so to speak.

Picture a new scene. You are a cop. You and your partner have pulled off on a quiet residential street and parked with your windows down to do some paperwork.

Suddenly a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a torn T-shirt flapping in the breeze, and wearing only one leather glove, moving at probably 80 mph on one wheel, and screaming bloody murder roars by, and with all his strength throws a live squirrel grenade directly into your police car.

I heard screams.

They weren't mine...

I managed to get the big motorcycle under control and dropped the front wheel to the ground. I then used maximum braking and skidded to a stop in a cloud of tire smoke at the stop sign of a busy cross street. I would have returned to 'fess up (and to get my glove back). I really would have.

Really... Except for two things.

First, the cops did not seem interested or the slightest bit concerned about me at the moment. When I looked back, the doors on both sides of the patrol car were flung wide open. The cop from the passenger side was on his back, doing a crab walk into somebody's front yard, quickly moving away from the car. The cop who had been in the driver's seat was standing in the street, aiming a riot shotgun at his own police car.

So, the cops were not interested in me. They often insist to "let the professionals handle it" anyway.

That was one thing. The other?

Well, I could clearly see shredded and flying pieces of foam and upholstery from the back seat. But I could also swear I saw the squirrel in the back window, shaking his little fist at me. That is one dangerous squirrel. And now he has a patrol car. A somewhat shredded patrol car but it was all his.

I took a deep breath, turned on my turn-signal, made a gentle right turn off of Brice Street, and sedately left the neighborhood. I decided it was best to just buy myself a new pair of gloves. And a whole lot of Band-Aids.

Dave...I'm crying! My cubey-mate thinks I'm deranged...more so than my usual deranged state...oh my...I'm crying!!! :lmao:

What a brilliant piece of writing.... You made my day, Dave. I nearly hurt myself laughing, and just like Roxy, my work mates are now convinced that I've finally lost the little sense they thought I had . I suppose I'll have to show them what I was on about...

/Claes:biglaugh::lol: :lmao: :applause:

OMG! I was rolling! The motorcyclists in my group loved it too...

I cannot remember where i picked this up, but here goes....

[Picard] "Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to access their command pathways?"

[Geordi]"Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching through our archives on late Twentieth-Century computing technology."

[Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen.]

[Riker looks puzzled.] "What the **** is 'Microsoft'?"

[Data turns to answer.] "Allow me to explain. We will send this program, for some reason called 'Windows', through the Borg command pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming system resources at an unstoppable rate."

[Picard] "But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter their processing systems to increase their storage capacity?"

[Data] "Yes, Captain. But when 'Windows' detects this, it creates a new version of itself known as an 'upgrade'. The use of resources increases exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be able to adapt quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing ability will be taken over, and none will be available for their normal operational functions."

[Picard] "Excellent work. This is even better than that 'unsolvable geometric shape' idea."

. . . 15 Minutes Later . . .

[Data] "Captain, We have successfully installed the 'Windows' in the command unit, and, as expected, it immediately consumed 85% of all resources. However, we have not received any confirmation of the expected 'upgrade'."

[Geordi] "Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and CPU capacity to compensate, but we still have no indication of an 'upgrade' to compensate for their increase."

[Picard] "Data, scan the history banks again and determine if there is something we have missed."

[Data] "Sir, I believe their is a reason for the failure in the 'upgrade'. Apparently the Borg have circumvented that part of the plan by not sending in their registration cards.

[Riker] "Captain we have no choice. Requesting permission to begin emergency escape sequence 3F . . ."

[Geordi, excited] "Wait, Captain I just detected their CPU capacity has suddenly dropped to 0%!"

[Picard] "Data, what does your scanners show?"

[Data] "Apparently the Borg have found the internal 'Windows' module named 'Solitaire' and it has used up all the CPU capacity."

[Picard] "Lets wait and see how long this 'solitaire' can reduce their functionality."

. . . Two Hours Pass . . .

[Riker] "Geordi what's the status on the Borg?"

[Geordi] "As expected the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to compensate for increased CPU and storage demands, but each time they successfully increase resources, I have setup our closest deep space monitor beacon to transmit more 'windows' modules from something called the 'Microsoft Fun-Pack'.

[Picard] "How much time will that buy us ?"

[Data] "Current Borg solution rates allow me to predicate an interest time span of 6 more hours."

[Geordi] "Captain, another vessel has entered our sector."

[Picard] "Identify."

[Data] "It appears to have markings very similar to the 'Microsoft' logo"

[Over the speakers] "THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE MICROSOFT FLAGSHIP MONOPOLY. WE HAVE POSITIVE CONFIRMATION OF UNREGISTERED SOFTWARE IN THIS SECTOR. SURRENDER ALL ASSETS, AND WE CAN AVOID ANY TROUBLE. YOU HAVE 10 SECONDS"

[Data] "The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and released thousands of humanoid shaped objects."

[Picard] "Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft."

[Riker] "Good God captain! Those are humans floating straight toward the Borg ship with no life support suits! How can they survive the tortures of deep space?!"

[Data] "I don't believe that those are humans, sir. If you will look closer, I believe you will see that they are carrying something recognized by twenty-first century man as doe skin leather briefcases and wearing Armani suits"

[Riker and Picard together horrified] "Lawyers!!"

[Geordi] "It can't be. All the Lawyers were rounded up and sent hurtling into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening."

[Data] "True, but apparently some must have survived."

[Riker] "They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with all types of papers."

[Data] "I believe that is known in ancient vernacular as 'red tape'; it often proves fatal."

[Riker] "They're tearing the Borg to pieces!"

[Picard] "Turn off the monitors. I can't stand to watch, not even the Borg deserve that."

Dave,

I just read the 'Attack of the Killer Squirrel' and if I ever get back to the US I'm not going down Brice Street.

Great Laugh :lmao:

humor in uniform is great. Especially when it is educative.

The physics professor's university page brings in some good humor. Links hereunder

http://www.homepages.dsu.edu/Mukhopai/Cartoon%20Laws%20of%20Physics.htm
http://www.homepages.dsu.edu/Mukhopai/start.htm

The Golden Phone

An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world. For his first chapter he decided to write about American churches. So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando, thinking that he would work his way across the country from South to North.

On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read “$10,000 per call". The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for. The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God. The American thanked the priest and went along his way.

Next stop was in Atlanta. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was. She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God. "O.K., thank you," said the American.

He then traveled to Indianapolis, Washington DC, Philadelphia, Boston, and New York. In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same “$10,000 per call" sign under it. The American, upon leaving Vermont saw a sign for Canada and decided to see if Canadians had the same phone.

He arrived in Edmonton, and again, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read "10 cents per call."

The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. "Father, I've traveled all over America and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in every state the price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?"

The priest smiled and answered, "You're in Canada now son, it's a local call".

English is Easy?

At least one English 2 letter word has a hundred completely different meanings. So what is this stuff about English being easy?

There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meaning than any other two-letter word, and that is "UP."

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we waken in the morning, why do we wake UP?

At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?

We call UP our friends And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car.

At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.

To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.

And this UP is confusing:

A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.

We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.

We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!

To be knowledgeable of the proper uses of UP, look UP the word in the dictionary. In a desk size dictionary, the word up, takes UP almost 1/4th the page and definitions add UP to about thirty.

If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.

When it threatens to rain, we say it is
clouding UP . When the sun comes out we say
it is clearing UP.

When it rains, it wets UP the earth. When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP.

One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP,
for now my time is UP, so.............

I'll shut UP.

What's UP with that post, Wes? :confused:

What's UP with that post, Wes? :confused:I've been discouraged from sharing my salacious anecdotes, so I've come UP with corn.:tg:

Don't encourage my corn, because next I move on to potatoes. Sweet, huh? I'll bet you think I have a chip on my shoulder and have eyes everywhere. The potato soliloquy begins, "Tuber or not tuber . . ."

My storehouse of Yukon Gold began with a shoestring. My skill comes from juggling hot potatoes. I yam what I yam, a real spud.

I've been discouraged from sharing my salacious anecdotes, so I've come UP with corn.:tg:

Don't encourage my corn, because next I move on to potatoes. Sweet, huh? I'll bet you think I have a chip on my shoulder and have eyes everywhere. The potato soliloquy begins, "Tuber or not tuber . . ."

My storehouse of Yukon Gold began with a shoestring. My skill comes from juggling hot potatoes. I yam what I yam, a real spud.


Does this ever get a peeling?

I've been discouraged from sharing my salacious anecdotes, so I've come UP with corn.:tg:

Don't encourage my corn, because next I move on to potatoes. Sweet, huh? I'll bet you think I have a chip on my shoulder and have eyes everywhere. The potato soliloquy begins, "Tuber or not tuber . . ."

My storehouse of Yukon Gold began with a shoestring. My skill comes from juggling hot potatoes. I yam what I yam, a real spud.
All I can say is we're not ordinary people.

I've been discouraged from sharing my salacious anecdotes, so I've come UP with corn.:tg:

Don't encourage my corn, because next I move on to potatoes. Sweet, huh? I'll bet you think I have a chip on my shoulder and have eyes everywhere. The potato soliloquy begins, "Tuber or not tuber . . ."

My storehouse of Yukon Gold began with a shoestring. My skill comes from juggling hot potatoes. I yam what I yam, a real spud.

This reminds me of the 'my talent is not utilised properly' thread.

You're sitting on untapped talent, Wes. Unless you got into quality for the money.

This reminds me of the 'my talent is not utilised properly' thread.

You're sitting on untapped talent, Wes. Unless you got into quality for the money.I recall Energy telling me that's where ALL my talent was.

I recall Energy telling me that's where ALL my talent was.
ROFLMBO :lmao:

ROFLMBO :lmao:

Loved it! :D And in keeping with spirit of things...

A Politically Correct Christmas Poem

Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...
How to live in a world that's politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to "Elves",
"Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.
And labor conditions at the North Pole,
were alleged by the union, to stifle the soul.

Four reindeer had vanished without much propriety,
released to the wilds, by the Humane Society.
And equal employment had made it quite clear,
that Santa had better not use just reindeer.
So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!

The runners had been removed from his beautiful sleigh,
because the ruts were deemed dangerous by the EPA,
And millions of people were calling the Cops,
when they heard sled noises upon their roof tops.
Second-hand smoke from his pipe, had his workers quite frightened,
and his fur trimmed red suit was called "unenlightened".

To show you the strangeness of today's ebbs and flows,
Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose.
He went to Geraldo, in front of the Nation,
demanding millions in over-due workers compensation.

So...half of the reindeer were gone, and his wife
who suddenly said she'd had enough of this life,
joined a self help group, packed and left in a whiz,
demanding from now on that her title was Ms.

And as for gifts...why, he'd never had the notion
that making a choice could cause such commotion.
Nothing of leather, nothing of fur...
Which meant nothing for him or nothing for her.
Nothing to aim, Nothing to shoot,
Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls and nothing for just boys.
Nothing that claimed to be gender specific,
Nothing that's warlike or non-pacifistic.

No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish upon the truth.
And fairy tales...while not yet forbidden,
were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden,
for they raised the hackles of those psychological,
who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.

No baseball, no football...someone might get hurt,
besides - playing sports exposed kids to dirt.
Dolls were said to be sexist and should be passe.
and Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.

So Santa just stood there, disheveled and perplexed,
he just couldn't figure out what to do next?
He tried to be merry he tried to be gay,
but you must have to admit he was having a very bad day.
His sack was quite empty, it was flat on the ground,
nothing fully acceptable was anywhere to be found.

Something special was needed, a gift that he might,
give to us all, without angering the left or the right.
A gift that would satisfy - with no indecision,
each group of people in every religion.
Every race, every hue,
everyone, everywhere...even you!
So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth...

"MAY YOU AND YOUR LOVED ONES, ENJOY PEACE ON EARTH"

Christmas Carols for the Psychiatrically Challenged

SCHIZOPHRENIA -
Do You Hear What I Hear?

MULTIPLE PERSONALITY -
We Three Kings Disoriented Are.

DEMENTIA -
I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas.

NARCISSISTIC -
Hark The Herald Angels Sing (About Me)

MANIA -
Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and and Office and Town ...or Deck the Halls and Spare No Expense!

PARANOIA -
Santa Claus is Coming To Get Me.

PERSONALITY DISORDER -
You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, then MAYBE I'll tell you why.

DEPRESSION -
Silent anhedonia, Holy anhedonia. All is calm, All is pretty lonely.

OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE DISORDER-
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell... (YOU GET THE IDEA)

OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE PERSONALITY-
The Twelve Days of Christmas
(don't make me repeat that again)

BORDERLINE PERSONALITY -
Thoughts of Roasting in an Open Fire.

PASSIVE/AGGRESSIVE -
Silent Night

Mom's Letter to Santa

Dear Santa,

I've been a good mom all year. I've fed, cleaned, and cuddled my two children on demand, visited the doctor's office more than my doctor, sold 62 cases of candy bars to raise money to plant a shade tree on the school playground, and figured out how to attach nine patches onto my daughter's Girl Scout sash with staples and a glue gun.

I was hoping you could spread my list out over several Christmases, since I had to write this letter with my son's red crayon on the back of a receipt in the laundry room between cycles, and who knows when I'll find anymore free time in the next 18 years.

Here are my Christmas wishes:

I'd like a pair of legs that don't ache after a day of chasing kids (in any color, except purple, which I already have) and arms that don't flap in the breeze, but are strong enough to carry a screaming toddler out of the candy aisle in the grocery store. I'd also like a waist, since I lost mine somewhere in the seventh month of my last pregnancy.

If you're hauling big ticket items this year, I'd like a car with fingerprint resistant windows and a radio that only plays adult music; a television that doesn't broadcast any programs containing talking animals; and a refrigerator with a secret compartment behind the crisper where I can hide to talk on the phone.

On the practical side, I could use a talking daughter doll that says, "Yes, Mommy" to boost my parental confidence, along with one potty-trained toddler, two kids who don't fight, and three pairs of jeans that will zip all the way up without the use of power tools.

I could also use a recording of Tibetan monks chanting, "Don't eat in the living room" and "Take your hands off your brother," because my voice seems to be just out of my children's hearing range and can only be heard by the dog.

And please don't forget the Playdoh Travel Pack, the stocking stuffer this year for mothers of preschoolers. It comes in three fluorescent colors and is guaranteed to crumble on any carpet making the In-laws' house seem just like mine.

If it's too late to find any of these products, I'd settle for enough time to brush my teeth and comb my hair in the same morning, or the luxury of eating food warmer than room temperature without it being served in a Styrofoam container.

If you don't mind, I could also use a few Christmas miracles to brighten the holiday season. Would it be too much trouble to declare ketchup a vegetable? It will clear my conscience immensely. It would be helpful if you could coerce my children to help around the house without demanding payment as if they were the bosses of an organized crime family; or if my toddler didn't look so cute sneaking downstairs to eat contraband ice cream in his pajamas at midnight.

Well, Santa, the buzzer on the dryer is ringing and my son saw my feet under the laundry room door. I think he wants his crayon back. Have safe trip and remember to leave your wet boots by the chimney and come in and dry off by the fire so you don't catch cold.

Help yourself to cookies on the table, but don't eat too many or leave crumbs on the carpet.

Yours Always,

Mom

Doh! :mybad:

Looks like somebody wasn't paying attention during physics class!

http://www.av8n.com/physics/basic_physics.html

Unfortuantely that one has already been debunked on Urban Legends (www.snopes.com).

The first 'dunking' did occur, but the second one is photo manipulation. Look at the crowd and the small white boat in the last photo, and compare it to previous ones.

Still would have been funny to see the first one go in, though. :yes:

This was sent to me by Sam to post in this thread.

I recall reading about that one somewhere not too long ago. Apparantly the birds (starlings?) made off with something like $20,000 in quarters. When they found the nest, there was jewelry, watches, coins, tinfoil, etc etc. Anything bright and shiny.

'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the shack,
Not a thing was a movin', from the front to the back.

The kids were in bed, I believe we had nine,
The wife in her curlers, was lookin' real fine.

A cold wind was blowin', up the holler it moaned,
All seven dogs on the porch howled and groaned.

The boys were all dreamin' of weapons and guns,
For killin' God's creatures, there's no better fun.

The girls in their feminine dreams were attuned,
To getting those gallons of Walmart perfume.

The wife wanted jewelry, like rings with big rocks,
I wanted my Chevy, down off the blocks.

Then in the yard, such a noise did commence,
Like something was caught in the barb-wire fence.

I ran to the window, and saw pretty quick,
The man makin' the racket was Good Ol' St. Nick.

You may think of Santa, in your own mind's eye,
Dressed in a red and white suit, But I've got a surprise.

That old boy's an Arkie, our fair state he won't fail'er,
He married his cousin, and they live in a trailer.

On Christmas, of course, a sleigh for his rig,
He hooks the thing up, to a razorback pig.

He climbed on the roof, with his bag full of goodies,
He backed down the fireplace, all dirty and sooty.

Fat legs in his britches, chubby hands in his mittens,
I admit from the back, he looked like Bill Clinton.

He turned toward the tree, His eyes all aglow,
He was a Southern boy, from his head to his toe.

His neck was a red one, his shirt said "Light Beer",
There was no red hat, his cap read "John Deere".

He left all the presents, with an air of delight,
Then it was back to the chimney, and into the night.

He ran into the yard, and threw his bag in the sleigh,
Then he yelled at the dogs, to get out of the way.

And I heard him exclaim, as those pigs took to flight,
"Merry Christmas to all, And to all ...A Bud Lite!"

A Missouri farmer passed away and left 17 mules to his three sons. The
instructions left in the will said that the oldest boy was to get
one-half, the second oldest one-third, and the youngest one-ninth. The
three sons, recognizing the difficulty of dividing 17 mules into these
fractions, began to argue.

Their uncle heard about the argument, hitched up his mule and drove out
to settle the matter. He added his mule to the 17, making 18. The oldest
therefore got one-half, or nine, the second oldest got one-third, or
six, and the youngest son got one-ninth, or two. Adding up 9, 6 and 2
equals 17. The uncle, having settled the argument, hitched up his mule
and drove home. :bonk: :bonk:

Two signs that I have seen lately on doors that struck me as funny ....

"This door to remain closed at all times."
What good is a door that never opens? :confused:

"WARNING: This door may close without warning."
Thanks for the warning! :rolleyes:

Just came across this exercise suggested for seniors, to build muscle strength in the arms and shoulders. It seems so easy, so I thought I'd pass it on. The article suggested doing it three days a week.

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

With a 5-lb. potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides, and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

Each day, you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb. potato sacks.

Then 50-lb. potato sacks, and eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb. potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks, but be careful.

My Boss recently sent this to me:

The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number.

Why was that gauge used?

Because that's the way they built them in England, and English expatriates built the US Railroads.

Why did the English build them like that?

Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.

Why did "they" use that gauge then?

Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing!

Okay! Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing?

Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.

So who built those old rutted roads?

Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (and England) for their legions. The roads have been used ever since.

And the ruts in the roads?

Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing.

The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot. And may the bureaucracies live forever.

So the next time you are handed a spec and told we have always done it that way and wonder what horse's *** came up with that, you may be exactly right, because the Imperial Roman war chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the back ends of two war horses.

Now the twist to the story...

When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah. The engineers who designed the SRBs would have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains. The SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds.

So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a Horse's ***

I love this. A few years ago, there used to be a program called "Connections" broadcast on PBS which used to trace the connections between seemingly disparate items like that. Lots of fun! Too bad there are no Karma available in Coffee Break:applause:

So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a Horse's ***This is also the direct reason for the size of sugar cubes... via the route Sugarcube - package - pallet - railroad car size, down to the original horse's bottom...

I supose this serves to prove that we'll never ever be rid of horse's ***es. :lol:

/Claes

:nopity:
Sorry to burst the bubble, but although the story is amusing, it isn't correct.

Rather than go into a long (and eventually pointless) post, I would recommend visiting www.snopes.com, and searching under railroad.

:confused:

:nopity:
Sorry to burst the bubble, but although the story is amusing, it isn't correct.

Rather than go into a long (and eventually pointless) post, I would recommend visiting www.snopes.com (http://www.snopes.com/), and searching under railroad.

:confused:
How about Cupid and St. Valentine and the Easter Bunny? Don't tell me they're myths, too!

If you do, that would make you the Grinch!:lmao:

Now on my 3rd marriage, so I -=HAVE=- to believe in St Valentine and Cupid, right?

As for the Easter Bunny, he's been spotted in my garden, conversing with the gnomes and pixies.

And our house brownie says hello too :-)
:magic:

1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says,"Dam"!

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron." The other says "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)..... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did????

:biglaugh:

Ok, they made me laugh...especially the first one. Believe it or not, I've NEVER heard that one before (I've heard all the others in one version or another).

Well done...where did you find them?

"kayak" and "electron" brought my wife to tears. My fate, when trying to tell puns, alas, is the same as
"No pun in ten did"

Great addition to the thread!

:biglaugh:

Ok, they made me laugh...especially the first one. Believe it or not, I've NEVER heard that one before (I've heard all the others in one version or another).

Well done...where did you find them?A friend e-mailed them to me. I coudn't resist posting them.

A friend who's a blacksmth emailed me the following:

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got
their tent all set up, they fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes The Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabi, look
towards sky, what you see?"

The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute, and then says, "Astronomically
speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially
billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me Saturn is in Leo. Time
wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the
morning. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are
small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a
beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?"

Tonto is silent for a moment, then says, "Kemo Sabi, you dumb ***.
Someone has stolen tent"

Not entirely certain if it should go in the humor thread, or in one commenting on management. Hope no one's offended by the minor blue language.

IGNORANCE IS BLISS

When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find an ill man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

A woman was reporting her car as stolen, and mentioned that there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the phone and told the guy that answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car. They arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested.

A 45 year-old Amy Brasher was arrested in San Antonio, Texas, after a mechanic reported to police that 18 packages of marijuana were packed in the engine compartment of the car which she had brought to the mechanic for an oil change. According to police, Brasher later said that she didn't realize that the mechanic would have to raise the hood to change the oil.

David Posman, 33, was arrested recently in Providence, R.I, after allegedly knocking out an armored car driver and stealing the closest four bags of money. It turned out they contained $800 in PENNIES, weighed 30 pounds each, and slowed him to a stagger during his getaway so that police officers easily jumped him from behind.

The Belgium news agency Belga reported in November that a man suspected of robbing a jewelry store in Liege said he couldn't have done it because he was busy breaking into a school at the same time. Police then arrested him for breaking into the school.

Drug-possession defendant Christopher Johns, on trial in March in Pontiac, Michigan, said he had been searched without a warrant. The prosecutor said the officer didn't need a warrant because a "bulge" in Christopher's jacket could have been a gun. Nonsense, said Christopher, who happened to be wearing the same jacket that day in court. He handed it over so the judge could see it. The judge discovered a packet of cocaine in the pocket and laughed so hard he required a five-minute recess to compose himself.

Clever drug traffickers used a propane tanker truck entering El Paso from Mexico. They rigged it so propane gas would be released from all of its valves while the truck concealed 6,240 pounds of marijuana. They were clever, but not bright. They misspelled the name of the gas company on the side of the truck.

Oklahoma City - Dennis Newton was on trial for the armed robbery of a convenience store in a district court this week when he fired his lawyer. Assistant district attorney Larry Jones said Newton, 47, was doing a fair job of defending himself until the store manager testified that Newton was the robber. Newton jumped up, accused the woman of lying and then said, "I should of blown your [expletive] head off." The defendant paused, then quickly added, "-if I'd been the one that was there." The jury took 20 minutes to convict Newton and recommend a 30-year sentence.

R. C. Gaitlin, 21, walked up to two patrol officers who were showing their squad car computer equipment to children in a Detroit neighborhood. When he asked how the system worked, the officers asked him for a piece of identification. Gaitlin gave them his driver's license, they entered it into the computer, and moments later they arrested Gaitlin because information on the screen showed that Gaitlin was wanted for a two-year-old armed robbery in St. Louis, Missouri.

There is a new study out about women and how they feel
about their asses!

The results were pretty interesting:

85% of women think their *** is too big...

10% of women think their *** is too little...

The other 5% say that they don't care, they love
him, he's a good man, and they would have married him
anyway.

Once upon a time, there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for baked beans. She loved them but unfortunately, they had always had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her. Then one day she met a man and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry she thought to herself, "He is such a sweet and gentle man, he would never go for this carrying on." She made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Some months later her car broke down on the way home from work, since she lived in the country she called her husband and told him that she would be late because she had to walk home. On her way, she passed a small diner and the odor of the baked beans was more than she could stand. Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she would walk off any ill effects by the time she reached home. So, she stopped at the diner and before she knew it, she had consumed 3 large orders of baked beans.

All the way home she putt-putted, and upon arriving home she felt reasonably sure she could control it. Her husband seemed excited to see her and exclaimed elightedly, "Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded her and led her to her chair at the table. She seated herself and just as he was about to remove the blindfold from his wife, the telephone rang. He made her promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned. He then went to answer the telephone.

The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted her weight to one leg and let it go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of pulpwood mill. She took her napkin and fanned the air around her vigorously. Then she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more, which reminded her of cooked cabbage. Keeping her ears tuned to the conversation in the other room, she went on like this for another ten minutes. When the phone farewells signaled the end of her freedom, she fanned the air a few more times with her napkin, placed it on her lap and folded her hands upon it, smiling contentedly to herself.

She was the picture of innocence when her husband returned, apologizing for taking so long, he asked her if she peeked, and she assured him that she had not. At this point, he removed the blindfold,and she was surprised! There were twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish her a "Happy Birthday"

A middle aged woman went to a Wal-Mart service counter and tells the clerk she wants a refund for the toaster she bought because it won't work.

The clerk tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on 'special'. Suddenly, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming! "KISS ME! KISS ME! KISS ME!!".

The befuddled clerk ran away to get the store manager in front of a growing crowd of customers. The manager goes to the woman and asks, "Ma'am what's wrong?"

She explained the problem with the toaster, and he tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special. Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming, "KISS ME! KISS ME! KISS ME!" And doing so draws an even more HUGE crowd!

In shock, the store manager pleads, "Ma'am, why are you saying that? In a huff, the woman says," BECAUSE, I LIKE TO BE KISSED WHEN I'M GETTING SCREWED!"

The crowd broke into applause and her money was quickly refunded.

Daily HumorFebruary 1, 2005

The new computer my sister, Jewell, and her husband bought had a program with a spell-check function, which they decided to try. My sister typed in her name, and the computer suggested the correction Jewel. "You don't know how to spell your own name," my brother-in-law said, laughing, as he typed in his name, Myron. No such word, according to the computer. It suggested Moron.
- submitted to Reader's Digest by Rita McGuffey

Daily HumorFebruary 1, 2005

The new computer my sister, Jewell, and her husband bought had a program with a spell-check function, which they decided to try. My sister typed in her name, and the computer suggested the correction Jewel. "You don't know how to spell your own name," my brother-in-law said, laughing, as he typed in his name, Myron. No such word, according to the computer. It suggested Moron.
- submitted to Reader's Digest by Rita McGuffey

Too funny and too true, as well. Before "adding" my names to the dictionary of my Word program, my favourite "suggestion" from Microsoft was Raisin Bayonette....or Raisin Baguette. My favourite depended on my mood at the time. :D

Too funny and too true, as well. Before "adding" my names to the dictionary of my Word program, my favourite "suggestion" from Microsoft was Raisin Bayonette....or Raisin Baguette. My favourite depended on my mood at the time. :DI have no such problems with my last name... When I try the same thing with a fresh spell checker I get no suggestions whatsoever... :lol:

/Claes

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back...or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the testimonials of a few people who did.....


I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a
word.. he knew better.


I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by a good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me... Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."


My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.


While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab a hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons... I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter.


Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Lenny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said, "No." I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me."
Then I said, "Lenny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?"
"No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse.
Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Lenny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled. "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their
tacos laughing! He calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.

An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd
ever had!

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks.
What happens when you predict snow but don't get any...a true story.....We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

This Texas Teacher was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots? He asked for help and she could see why. Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. Finally, when the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost cried when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet."

She looked and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the right feet. He then announced, "These aren't my boots."

She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to, And once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet. No sooner than they got the boots off he said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear 'em."

Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry, but she mustered up the grace and courage that she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again. Helping him into his coat, she asked, "Now, where are your mittens?" He said, "I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots"

And when they got the boots off again, he said "But my boots are sitting at home. My gloves aren't in these boots.http://elsmar.com/Forums/images/smilies/rolleyes-a1.gif"

I've known folks who would have done this on purpose

Daily HumorFebruary 3, 2005

The staff at the office where my wife works was hosting a farewell luncheon for a retiring colleague. As the group prepared to go to the restaurant, they found that they couldn't fit the giant balloon they had purchased for the guest of honor into the car. Undaunted, they simply held the balloon out the window as they drove. My wife and her co-workers weren't prepared for the glares they received from passers-by. As the long line of traffic in front of their vehicle began to turn, they saw that their car was right behind a funeral procession. There was nothing they could do but hold on to the balloon with its farewell message: "Gone but not forgotten."
- submitted to Reader's Digest by David W. Voegel

A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide.

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord, have mercy I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license, they'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not!. You can NOT have any cyanide!"

The lady quietly reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well, now. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

Mary was a 60-ish spinster who went to see her doctor.
"What brought you here today, Mary?" asked the doctor.
"Oh, doctor. It's so embarrassing." she said very loudly. "I'm afflicted with silent gas! Whenever I go out among people, I have these silent gas attacks and they smell very bad. When it happens in church, people look around and I'm sure they think it must be me. Why, in fact, I've had several attacks while I've been here in your office. What do you think it could be?"
"Well, Mary. The first thing we're going to do is check your hearing."

You may need something to clean your screen with after that one... Screencleaner (http://screenclean.j1media.com/lick.html)


/Claes

Have you been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, "Surely I can't look that old?" This is one of my favorites.

I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his DDS diploma, which bore his full name. Suddenly,
I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 40-odd years ago.
Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to
have been my classmate.
After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Lawton Senior High School.
"Yes. Yes, I did. I'm a Wolverine," he gleamed with pride.
"When did you graduate?" I asked.
He answered, "In 1968. Why do you ask?"
"You were in my class!" I exclaimed.
He looked at me closely.
Then, that ugly, old, wrinkled s.o.b. asked, "What did you teach?"

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently
compressed by a Thigh Master.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like
underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy
who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those
boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high
schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of
those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was
room-temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just
before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly
surcharge-free ATM.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling
ball wouldn't.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled
with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie,
surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy
comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry
them in hot grease.

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the
grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left
Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19
p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that
resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had
also never met.

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East
River.

18. Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only
one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this
plan just might work.

21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating
for a while.

22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a
real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or
something.

23. The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg
behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with
power tools.

25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if
she were a garbage truck backing up.

26. Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any
pH cleanser.

27. She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

28. It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to
the wall.

:lmao: :lmao: :lmao: Some of those I could only shake my head and laugh! A couple reminded me of stuff my own two teenagers would come up with. Thanks Al!

How would anybody know what ..... never mind!

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their
infamous sketch, "Who's on first?" might have turned
out something like this:

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den
and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at
the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer
and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can
use to write proposals, track expenses and run my
business.
What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend
anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK,
let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want
to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you
don't start with some straight answers. OK, forget
that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?

ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.

COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I
watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I
need!

ABBOTT: Real One.

COSTELLO: If it's a long movie, I also want to watch
reels 2, 3 and 4.

Can I watch them?

ABBOTT: Of course.

COSTELLO: Great! With what?

ABBOTT: Real One.

COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a
movie. What do I do?

ABBOTT: You click the blue "1".

COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?

ABBOTT: The blue "1".

COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue w?

ABBOTT: The blue "1" is Real One and the blue "W" is
Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: But there are three words in "office for
windows"!

ABBOTT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word
in the world.

COSTELLO: It is?

ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other
Words left. It

pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there.

COSTELLO: And that word is real one?

ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One
isn't even

part of Office.

COSTELLO: STOP! Don't start that again. What about
financial

bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my

money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer?
How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on "START".......

I went to the U.S. Patent Office to register some of my inventions. When I went to the main desk to sign in, the lady at the desk had a form that had to be filled out. She wrote down my personal information and then asked me what I had invented.

I said, "A folding bottle."

She said, "Okay, what do you call it?"

"A Fottle"

"What else do you have?"

"A folding carton."

"What do you call it?"

"A Farton."

She snickered and said, "Those are silly names for products and one of them sounds kind of crude."

I was so upset by her comment that I grabbed the form and left the office without telling her about my folding bucket.

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her
little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman
police officer that was also a blonde.

The cop asked to see the blonde's driver's license.
She dug through her purse and was getting
progressively more agitated. "What does it look like?"
she
finally asked.

The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your
picture on it."

The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it
and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she
said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed
it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize
you were a cop."

As I age, my wife worries more and more about me. This morning, while I was driving on the expressway, she called me on my cell phone.

"Oh honey," she said. "Please be careful. I just heard on the radio one maniac is driving the wrong way on the expressway."

"One? There are HUNDREDS!"

After every flight, Quantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Quantas' pilots and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers.

By the way, Quantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

(Personal Note - Unsure of the source for this and unsure if the Quantas fact is true)

(P= The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S= The solution and action taken by mechanics.)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

(Personal Note - Unsure of the source for this and unsure if the Quantas fact is true)




I've seen this in the past, but it was referenced as military. A couple entries point to that - IFF (Identify Freind or Foe) and Target Radar - probably not something Quantas has on passenger jets.

Very funny, but like most things circulated on the internet, it is probably not true (http://www.snopes.com/travel/airline/squawk.asp).

I imagine most of them WERE at least considered as comments by mechanics, regardless if any check sheet ever got completed with one. My dad had comments like that from WWII, before the Air Force was a separate branch of the military (USAF created in 1947.)

It doesn't matter where it's from Roxane, I am still laughing so hard I will have to go get a cup of coffee before I can continue working. Thanks a million.

Dave

Father O'Malley answers the phone.

"Hello, is this Father O'Malley?" asks the caller.

"It is"

"This is the IRS. Can you help us?"

"I can"

"Do you know a Ted Houlihan?"

"I do."

"Is he a member of your congregation?"

"He is."

"Did he donate $10,000 to the church?"

"He will."

It doesn't matter where it's from Roxane, I am still laughing so hard I will have to go get a cup of coffee before I can continue working. Thanks a million.I liked the ones at snopes, too, a couple of which I had never seen before - So... I thank Al as well for his link to snopes. I agree - True or not, they're funny!

Unfortunately, I didn't get as many laughs when I posted it here in 1998...: Take Corrective Action. Please. AFTO Form 781 maintenance entries (http://elsmar.com/Forums/showthread.php?t=1741)

Once upon a time, there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for baked beans. She loved them but unfortunately, they had always had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her. Then one day she met a man and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry she thought to herself, "He is such a sweet and gentle man, he would never go for this carrying on." She made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Some months later her car broke down on the way home from work, since she lived in the country she called her husband and told him that she would be late because she had to walk home. On her way, she passed a small diner and the odor of the baked beans was more than she could stand. Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she would walk off any ill effects by the time she reached home. So, she stopped at the diner and before she knew it, she had consumed 3 large orders of baked beans.

All the way home she putt-putted, and upon arriving home she felt reasonably sure she could control it. Her husband seemed excited to see her and exclaimed elightedly, "Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded her and led her to her chair at the table. She seated herself and just as he was about to remove the blindfold from his wife, the telephone rang. He made her promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned. He then went to answer the telephone.

The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted her weight to one leg and let it go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of pulpwood mill. She took her napkin and fanned the air around her vigorously. Then she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more, which reminded her of cooked cabbage. Keeping her ears tuned to the conversation in the other room, she went on like this for another ten minutes. When the phone farewells signaled the end of her freedom, she fanned the air a few more times with her napkin, placed it on her lap and folded her hands upon it, smiling contentedly to herself.

She was the picture of innocence when her husband returned, apologizing for taking so long, he asked her if she peeked, and she assured him that she had not. At this point, he removed the blindfold,and she was surprised! There were twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish her a "Happy Birthday"

This reminds me of what my father, whose spirit I revere, long ago told me:

'Tis better to belch the belch and bear the shame,
than to squelch the belch and bear the pain.

Roxane,

QANTAS is an acronym so there is no need for the 'u'. It stands for the Queensland and Northern Territory Air Service.

You are correct QANTAS has NEVER had an Aircraft Crash.

I remember writing similar things when pilots would give scant information about problems, on the Post flight sheets.

The 90-yr old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-yr old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. When he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a beaver sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went "bang, bang" and the beaver dropped dead. What do you think about that?

The elderly man answered, "I'd say someone else shot the beaver."

The doctor said. "My point exactly."

WOMEN - YOU'LL UNDERSTAND PERFECTLY...

1. NAMES: If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara. If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.

2. EATING OUT: When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

3. MONEY: A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

4. BATHROOMS: A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

5. ARGUMENTS: A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

6. CATS: Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

7. FUTURE: A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

8. SUCCESS: A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

9. MARRIAGE: A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

10. DRESSING UP: A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

11. NATURAL: Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

12. OFFSPRING: Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

13. THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same things.

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs

1 to move it to the Lighting section

2 to argue then move it to the Electricals section

7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs

5 to flame the spell checkers

3 to correct spelling/grammar flames

6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"

15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct

19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum

11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum

36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty

7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs

4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's

3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group

13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"

5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy

4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting
questions about light bulbs"

1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.


Kinda makes you wonder why Marc does this. :frust:

Ummm....db....are we talking about fluorescent or incandescent?

*ducks the table lamps, desk lamps and dictionaries being thrown at her*

:D

Kinda makes you wonder why Marc does this. :frust:LMAOROTFSTC!!!!http://elsmar.com/Forums/images/smilies/laughbounce.gifhttp://elsmar.com/Forums/images/smilies/lol.gifhttp://elsmar.com/Forums/images/smilies/lmao.gif db, you just made my day. That was a truly inspired piece of writing. http://elsmar.com/Forums/images/smilies/thumbup1.gif Brilliant... But you know something? You forgot about the 15 people offering alternative sources of lighting, including the five environmental geeks suggesting the use of sunlight.

/Claes

LMAOROTFSTC!!!! /Claes
:confused: I am such a doofus - I can figure out everthing except last three letters "STC" - help me achieve nirvana by enlightening me, please.
ROTF = "rolling on the floor" -correct?

:confused: I am such a doofus - I can figure out everthing except last three letters "STC" - help me achieve nirvana by enlightening me, please.
ROTF = "rolling on the floor" -correct?

You may also count me in the doofus roll call. I broke down and went to Google. STC = "Scaring the Cat." Maybe I didn't get it because my cats are used to that sort of behavior.

On my way out of the house this morning, I turned on the porch light, and "poof" it died. Now the bulb needs to be replaced. Any takers? :rolleyes:

:confused: I am such a doofus - I can figure out everthing except last three letters "STC" - help me achieve nirvana by enlightening me, please.
ROTF = "rolling on the floor" -correct?Yep... Laughing my ars... err... bottom off, rolling on the floor, scaring the cat...On my way out of the house this morning, I turned on the porch light, and "poof" it died. Now the bulb needs to be replaced. Any takers? :rolleyes:Nah.... Wait for daylight http://elsmar.com/Forums/images/smilies/lmao.gif

/Claes

On my way out of the house this morning, I turned on the porch light, and "poof" it died. Now the bulb needs to be replaced. Any takers? :rolleyes:


Do you have a controlled document outlining the procedure for such a task?

When is my training?

And...

Who is our approved supplier for light bulbs?

don't forget to take into account any significant impacts/aspects! :biglaugh:

Do you have a controlled document outlining the procedure for such a task?

Yes. Its title is "Efficacious Replacement of External Domestic Consumable Alternating Current Illumination Devices."

Yes. Its title is "Efficacious Replacement of External Domestic Consumable Alternating Current Illumination Devices."

The only word I understand is "of". :confused:

Yes. Its title is "Efficacious Replacement of External Domestic Consumable Alternating Current Illumination Devices."
LOL - good one!!

Yes. Its title is "Efficacious Replacement of External Domestic Consumable Alternating Current Illumination Devices."

Do we have any metrics that will help us to visually determine whether or not the process is under control?

Do we have any metrics that will help us to visually determine whether or not the process is under control?

That would require a p chart, to depict how often the light was not turned on, right?

For those instances where the light remained unilluminated after dark we would count 1 defective.

Assignable causes would be that the lamp is burned out or the operator is burned out (too tired to care).

A single guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So
he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an
unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede,
(100-legged bug), which came in a little white box to use for his house.

He took the centipede in the box, home and found a good location.
He decided he would start off by taking his new pet to church with
him. So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to
church with me today, we will have a good time."

But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a
bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again,
"How about going to church with me and receive blessings."

But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he
waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.

He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face
up against the centipede's house and shouting,

"Hey, in there! Would you like to go to church with me and learn
about The Lord?"




Scroll down!!!!!!!!!!!!!





YOU ARE GOING TO LOVE THIS!





A little voice came out of the box:............





"I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my shoes

Dwight Nelson recently told a true story about the pastor of his church. He had a kitten that climbed up a tree in his backyard and then was afraid to come down. The pastor coaxed, offered warm milk, etc.

The kitty would not come down. The tree was not sturdy enough to climb, so the pastor decided that if he tied a rope to his car and drove away so that the tree bent down, he could then reach up and get the kitten.

That's what he did, all the while checking his progress in the car. He then figured if he went just a little bit further, the tree would be bent sufficiently for him to reach the kitten. But as he moved the car a little further forward, the rope broke. The tree went "boing!" and the kitten

instantly sailed through the air--out of sight.

The pastor felt terrible. He walked all over the neighborhood asking people if they'd seen a little kitten. No. Nobody had seen a stray kitten. So he prayed, "Lord, I just commit this kitten to your keeping," and went on about his business.

A few days later he was at the grocery store, and met one of his church members. He happened to look into her shopping cart and was amazed to see cat food. This woman was a cat hater and everyone knew it, so he asked her, "Why are you buying cat food when you hate cats so much?"

She replied, "You won't believe this," and then told him how her little girl had been begging her for a cat, but she kept refusing. Then a few days before, the child had begged again, so the Mom finally told her little girl, "Well, if God gives you a cat, I'll let you keep it."

She told the pastor, "I watched my child go out in the yard, get on her knees, and ask God for a cat. And really, Pastor, you won't believe this, but I saw it with my own eyes. A kitten suddenly came flying out of the blue sky, with its paws outspread, and landed right in front of her."

I tend towards libertarianism, or classic liberalism (think Nat Hentoff), but one of my more conservative friends (a blacksmith by trade) sent me the following after the last election. I couldn't help but enjoy it - hope others feel the same:

The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada Has intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased patrols to stop the illegal immigration.

The re-election of President Bush is prompting the exodus among Left leaning citizens who fear they’ll soon be required to hunt, pray and agree with Bill O’Reilly.

Canadian border farmers say its not uncommon to see dozens of sociology professors, animal rights activists and Unitarians crossing their fields at night.

I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn," said Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield, whose acreage borders North Dakota. The producer was cold, exhausted and hungry.

He asked me if I could spare a latte and some free-range chicken. When I said I didn’t have any, he left. Didn’t even get a chance to show him my screenplay, eh?"

In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher fences but the liberals scaled them. So he tried installing speakers that blare Rush Limbaugh across the fields.

Not real effective," he said. The liberals still got through, and Rush annoyed the cows so much they wouldn’t give milk."

Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals Near the Canadian border, pack them into Volvo station wagons, drive them across the border and leave them to fend for themselves.

A lot of these people are not prepared for rugged conditions," an Ontario border patrolman said. I found one carload without a drop of drinking water. They did have a nice little Napa Valley cabernet, though."

When liberals are caught, they’re sent back across the border, often Wailing loudly that they fear retribution from conservatives. Rumors have been circulating about the Bush administration establishing re-education camps in which liberals will be forced to drink domestic beer and watch NASCAR.

In the days since the election, liberals have turned to sometimes ingenious ways of crossing the border.

Some have taken to posing as senior citizens on bus trips to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After catching a half-dozen young vegans disguised in powdered wigs, Canadian immigration authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed senior-citizen passengers.

If they can’t identify the accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show, We get suspicious about their age," an official said.


Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are Creating an organic-broccoli shortage and renting all the good Susan Sarandon movies.

I feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just cant support them," an Ottawa resident said. How many art-history majors does one country need?"

In an effort to ease tensions between the United States and Canada, Vice President Dick Cheney met with the Canadian ambassador and pledged That the administration would take steps to reassure liberals, a source close to Cheney said.

Were going to have some Peter, Paul & Mary concerts. And we might put some endangered species on postage stamps. The president is determined to reach out."

As Australians we naturally believe the worst of other countries leaders just as we do of our own.


George W Bush (jr) was asked what he really thought about global warming.

"Global Warming?" he replied.

"There's no such thing as Global Warming. The Earth is flat, it's not a Globe!"

I have allowed the two 'political' posts above.

BUT --- NO MORE POLITICAL POSTS IN THIS (OR ANY) THREAD. Period.

Thanks.

Mrs. Davidson's dishwasher quit working so she calls a repairman.Since she has to go to work the next day, she tells him, "I'll leave thekey under the mat. Fix the dish-washer, leave the bill on the counter,and I'll mail you the check. Oh, by the way, don't worry about my Bull Dog; he won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANYcircumstances, talk to my parrot!" When the repairman arrives at Mrs. Davidson's apartment the next day, he discovers the biggest and meanest Bull Dog he has ever seen. But just as she said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his business. The Parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing, and name-calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid ugly bird!"

To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"

I got this one in a mail the other day and jumped :mg:, before I realized I'd been had http://elsmar.com/Forums/images/smilies/rolleyes-a1.gif. Planning my revenge now....http://elsmar.com/Forums/images/smilies/naughty.gif

/Claes

I'm still crackin' up over the centipede putting on his shoes!! :lmao:

I love the format joke. However, for some reason our IT director, did not think it was that funny. In fact he was not laughing even after he found out it was a joke. In fact they are starting to monitor all my .......[MESSAGE DELETED, NOT CORPRATE RELATED]

It the format joke really safe?? I'm afraid to let it run to end just in case. What eventually happens?

It the format joke really safe?? I'm afraid to let it run to end just in case. What eventually happens?It's very safe (apart from the occasional cardiac arrest it may cause :rolleyes: ). It's a simple GIF picture, and it just starts over again when it reaches 100%. I can't blaim yoyu for being careful, though. A banker (A big London bank, no less) friend of mine actually did manage to do a format c: at work, back in the 80's. He is to this day known as "the guy who formatted the hard disk". It didn't exactly earn him the title employee of the month...

/Claes

Back in the early 80's, when desktop pcs were very new and scary, we used to have a 5-1/4 inch 360K floppy (looked like a 45rpm record for those of you who remember and it really was "floppy") with a phony "C" prompt which completely inverted any text entered so it would appear starting from the bottom right of the monitor. The panic calls were absolutely hilarious [back then] and more than once a person was reduced to tears.

Every once in a while (not a regular diet) an workplace needs something like that so everyone can share the sense of relief when the scare is past - like riding on a scary roller coaster - some of the best scares promote a lot of friendly interaction afterward.

Speaking of scares - time to start APRIL FOOL 2005 (http://elsmar.com/Forums/showpost.php?p=101867&postcount=1)- see the new thread!

Claes, I like it! I tried to download it to send to my 'friends' but it doesn't work. Any ideas?

Claes, I like it! I tried to download it to send to my 'friends' but it doesn't work. Any ideas?A right click and Save picture as should do it.

/Claes

Check these out.

IF you like things like that look into M C Esher's (I think the name is spelled correctly) work.

When Adam and Eve were kicked out of the garden they studiously set about obeying the divine injunction to procreate their kind. Soon they were surrounded by a horde of screaming, demanding children. At their wits end, the first couple knelt down and prayed for help. Sure enough, off in the distance, they saw a great cloud forming. The cloud rose into the air, approached, descended and touched the ground. Out stepped the world's first teacher.

She looked at Adam, she looked at Eve, then she looked at the horde of disheveled, screaming, unruly children and shook her head. "We never would have put up with this in the old days," she said.

One night a man was walking home from work and he heard this horrible, loud thumping from behind. He turned to see a large coffin, bouncing from edge to edge, coming after him!

He ran as fast as he could, but still he could hear it coming after him....whump whump whump...

He ran all the way to his home, and ran inside after fumbling with his keys in a hurried fright. He looked outside the window, and there it was. Whump whump whump...

He ran upstairs, completely out of his mind with fright. Suddenly he heard the door crash open, and sure enough, it had entered his house. Whump whump whump...

He ran into the bathroom and slammed the door. He could hear it coming up the stairs, whump whump whump...

In a desperate attempt to save himself, he opened the medicine cabinet, looking for anything he could find! He grabbed a bottle of Robotussin, cracked open the bathroom door, and threw it at the rampaging box!

And you know what?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
The coffin stopped. :lmao:

Jerry
(I still laugh when I read this!)

Can’t feed ‘em? Don’t breed ‘em.

I’m busy, You’re ugly. Have a nice day.



Isn’t a smoking area in a Restaurant like a peeing area in a swimming pool?

4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions.

I’m not an alcoholic. I’m a drunk. Alcoholics go to meetings.

I’ve got a perfect body, but it’s in the trunk and beginning to smell.

That LOOK you were going for . . . You Missed.

Your Proctologist called. He found your head.

I don’t know whether to commit suicide or go bowling.

Drugs Lead Nowhere, but it is the scenic route.

Sarcasm, just one more service I offer.



Trust your instincts. People really don’t like you.

PMS – Punish Men Severely.

Brakes are for Wimps.
Officer, I have no coffee, cleavage or donuts so just give me the ticket.
How often do I have to flush before you go away?

LIFE SUCKS well ok, just yours.

The shortest sentence is “I AM”. The longest is “I DO”

Drinking won’t solve your problems, but passing out will.

Can you hear my middle finger over your blaring speakers?

Amateurs built the Ark, Professionals built the Titanic.

I’m going Nuckin Futs

8 out of 10 voices in my head say “Don’t Shoot”.

Lost your cat? Try looking under my tires.

PORN – it’s cheaper than dating!

I use to be a wind breaker, now I’m an old fart.

I've seen the last one on a T shirt:o

Light bullbs again....


Question: How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?


Golden Retriever:
The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?

Border Collie:
Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.

Dachshund:
You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!

Rottweiler:
Make me.

Lab:
Oh, me, me!!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I?
Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I?

German Shepherd:
I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the
situation.

Malamute:
Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy.

Jack Russell Terrier:
I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.

Poodle:
I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

Cocker Spaniel:
Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

Doberman Pinscher:
While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch.

Maltese:
Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark......

Mastiff:
Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.

Chihuahua:
Yo quiero Taco Bulb.

Irish Wolfhound:
Can somebody else do it? I've got this hangover.....

Pointer:
I see it, there it is, there it is, right there....


Greyhound:
It isn't moving. Who cares?

Australian Shepherd:
First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle....

Old English Sheep Dog:
Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb?

Bama Hound Dog:
ZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzz.z.z.z..z..z..z...z

Cat:
Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So the question is: How long will it be before I can expect light?


:D /Claes

Don't forget my Boxer:
Hey! What are you doing on that ladder? Can I watch? Hey, what was that? Hey! Pay attention to me!

Too funny, Claes!

I have the lab, and I could almost see her as I read. I can also see the cat, mine kind of stick up their noses at the dog. As though they are saying "Oh you poor creature, what was the creator thinking?"

True bravery is arriving home, stinking drunk after a very
late night out with the boys, being met at the door and assaulted with
a broom by your wife. . . . and still having the guts to ask:

"Are you cleaning, or were you flying somewhere?'

Hi All,
This made my afternoon :rolleyes:

----- Believe it or not you can read it.
I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg The
phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde
Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer inwaht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the
olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit
pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a
porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by
istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas thought
slpeling was ipmorantt.

Hi All,
This made my afternoon :rolleyes:

----- Believe it or not you can read it.
I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg The
phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer inwaht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit
pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a
porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by
istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas thought
slpeling was ipmorantt.
The fact of being able to unscramble words you already know is the basis of Scrabble® - if you aren't familiar with the correct word (guessed from number of letters, beginning and last letter, and context in which it is used), the task is just a little bit harder, making one feel like a member of the parratoilet. [urmbsclane dogemrhiparc deigoantisn in ictials, pesale]

Did you decipher it easily?