Turn your speakers on and click on the link.

http://members.cox.net/ladysarakat/piggy.swf (http://members.cox.net/ladysarakat/piggy.swf)

Turn your speakers on and click on the link.

http://members.cox.net/ladysarakat/piggy.swf (http://members.cox.net/ladysarakat/piggy.swf)
Too funny for words! My wife heard it and had to come in and click a couple times for herself. Big time giggle fest!

LIBERAL

You have two cows.

Your neighbor has none.

You feel guilty for being successful.

Instead of giving your neighbor one of your cows, you write to your congressman, demanding that he pass legislation for more government programs to help your neighbor get a cow.

You hold a concert to raise awareness for the cow-lessness.

Barbara Streisand sings for the cow-less, who couldn't attend because ticket prices are so expensive that only people with 3 or 4 cows can afford to attend.

You wear a ribbon that signifies that you care about cowless people, even though you really haven't done anything to help them at all.



CONSERVATIVE

You have two cows.

Your neighbor has none.

So?



SOCIALIST

You have two cows.

The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.

You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.



COMMUNIST

You have two cows.

The government seizes both and provides you with milk.

You wait in line for hours to get it.

It is expensive and sour.



CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE

You have two cows.

You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.



DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE

You have two cows.

The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.



BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE

You have two cows.

The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, and then pours the milk down the drain.





AMERICAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.

You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows.

You are surprised when one cow drops dead.

You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have down sized and are reducing expenses.

Your stock goes up.



FRENCH CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You go on strike because you want three cows.

You go to lunch and drink wine.

Life is good.



JAPANESE CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.

They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.

Most are at the top of their class at cow school.



GERMAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.

Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.



ITALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows but you don't know where they are.

While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.

You break for lunch.

Life is good.



RUSSIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You have some vodka.

You count them and learn you have four cows.

You have some more vodka.

You count them again and learn you have eight cows.

The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.



TALIBAN CORPORATION

You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.

You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts.

Then you kill them and claim a US bomb blew them up while they were in the hospital.



IRAQI CORPORATION

You have two cows.

They go into hiding.

They send radio tapes of their mooing.



POLISH CORPORATION

You have two bulls.

Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.



CALIFORNIAN

You have a cow and a bull.

The bull is depressed.

It has spent its life living a lie.

It goes away for two weeks.

It comes back after a taxpayer-paid sex-change operation.

You now have two cows.

One makes milk; the other doesn't.

You try to sell the transgender cow.

Its lawyer sues you for discrimination.

You lose in court.

You sell the milk-generating cow to pay the damages.

You now have one rich, transgender, non-milk-producing cow.

You change your business to beef.

PETA pickets your farm.

Jesse Jackson makes a speech in your driveway.

Cruz Bustamante calls for higher farm taxes to help "working cows."

Hillary Clinton calls for the nationalization of 1/7 of your farm "for the children."

Gray Davis signs a law giving your farm to Mexico.

The L.A. Times quotes five anonymous cows claiming you groped their teats.

You declare bankruptcy and shut down all operations.

The cow starves to death.

The L.A.Times' analysis shows your business failure is Bush's fault.

9 Things I Hate About People

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get up to search the entire room for the tv remote because they refuse to walk to the tv and change the channel manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". What good is cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?

5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the floor.

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.

8. When people say "life is short". Life is the longest thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here?

Life is the longest thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer? Be dead, I suppose? ;)

In view of my above comment, maybe you should have a tenth point on that list? People being smarta.....

/Claes

A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the
Richter scale has hit Mexico.

Two million Mexicans have died and over a million are
injured. The country is totally ruined and the
government doesn't know where to start providing
help to rebuild.

The rest of the world is in shock.

Canada is sending troopers to help the Mexican army
control the riots.

Saudi Arabia is sending oil.

Other Latin American countries are sending supplies.

The European community (except France) is sending food
and money.

The United States, not to be outdone, is sending two
million replacement Mexicans.

God Bless America

The United States, not to be outdone, is sending two
million replacement Mexicans.

God Bless America


I was asked to do an audit by a registrar. I had never been there so I asked. "Do I have to go over there the same way they come over here?"

Now don't get excited folks, that was only a joke.

Al:

That was SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO politically incorrect that I'm sure your modem is in flames already.

And as soon as I pick myself up off the floor and stop laughing, I'll act very VERY offended :-)

9 Things I Hate About People

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?



OK - it does say "When people say..." but I watched my dog "know" he let the mole get away, but kept looking where he "found it". Like he convinced himself that wasn't "the" mole that he chase under the shrub. Kept him occupied for an hour. Either he realized he was providing entertainment for me, or he kept looking after he "found it."

L

I was asked to do an audit by a registrar. I had never been there so I asked. "Do I have to go over there the same way they come over here?"

Now don't get excited folks, that was only a joke.


Yes but an absolutely hilarious one. Completely politically incorrect but funny none the less. Guess those guys from Ohio do have more to do than watch corn grow. :agree1:

Bumper Stickers - Saw this one here in the uk yesterday:

If you dare to overtake me - I'll follow you home and sh*t in your slippers!

Yes but an absolutely hilarious one. Completely politically incorrect but funny none the less. Guess those guys from Ohio do have more to do than watch corn grow. :agree1:

I am not actually from Ohio Mr. Geek, I just have to live here. I guess I would make a bad politician, especailly since I have no karma.

I am not actually from Ohio Mr. Geek, I just have to live here. I guess I would make a bad politician, especailly since I have no karma.


No Karma???? Everybody has Karma, good bad or otherwise.

No Karma???? Everybody has Karma, good bad or otherwise.
I think it is only good if you have those green things.

I think it is only good if you have those green things.Here it is: Karma - How to Give Karma and How to See Who Gave You Karma (http://elsmar.com/Forums/showthread.php?t=9934) .

/Claes

No Karma???? Everybody has Karma, good bad or otherwise.

Yea but, we don't have the big boat :lol:

With diesel engines.

Boats:
Boat fuel charges seem to be running 150% of what truckers pay at the big truckstop near the Wisconsin border (plus truckers are paying taxes included in their price to maintain the roads - do boats pay taxes to maintain the ocean?) My personal opinion is that boaters are getting screwed on their fuel costs unless the fuel sellers are providing a heck of a lot of free services for dropping $1500+ to fill a 500 gallon tank.

(Some of my acquaintances who fish for marlin down off Cabo San Lucas and Cabo San Jose tell me that west coast Americans actually put their boats on big ocean freighters because the cost to ship a boat back and forth to the Cabos is cheaper than running it down the Baja. Is this true, IEGeek?)

Karma:
If you give some good advice to a newbie over in the "business" Forums, tarheels4, (no Karma available in the Coffee Break Chatter forum), I'll give you a big dose of karma. When and if I give you the karma, I'll include an explanation of why I think you earned it.

Boats:
Boat fuel charges seem to be running 150% of what truckers pay at the big truckstop near the Wisconsin border (plus truckers are paying taxes included in their price to maintain the roads - do boats pay taxes to maintain the ocean?) My personal opinion is that boaters are getting screwed on their fuel costs unless the fuel sellers are providing a heck of a lot of free services for dropping $1500+ to fill a 500 gallon tank.

(Some of my acquaintances who fish for marlin down off Cabo San Lucas and Cabo San Jose tell me that west coast Americans actually put their boats on big ocean freighters because the cost to ship a boat back and forth to the Cabos is cheaper than running it down the Baja. Is this true, IEGeek?)

I have heard of guys (and gals) who have shipped their boats down to Cabos, however, IMHO, it is not a regular practice. The insurance to ship a boat is outrageous. My better half's uncle shipped a 68' sailboat from Alameda (San Francisco) to Croatia and it cost him more in insurance than the actual shipping charges. I will ask some people I know around here and see what they think. There are huge marinas all up and down the Mexican coast that make the trip pleasurable (expensive, but pleasurable) Most of these marinas were set up so people could buy their boats in CA, take them down to Mexico and then if they kept them docked down there for 120 days, they paid no taxes on the purchase to the state of CA. As for fuel charges..... Well what can I say? You got to pay to play. Everything for a boat costs more. Fuel, electronics, hoses, diesel engine parts, you name it, if it is on a boat it costs more (something like supply and demand, I fell asleep in Econ 101).
B = Broke
O = Or
A = About
T = To

OR

B = Break
O = Out
A = Another
T = Thousand

Everything for a boat costs more. Fuel, electronics, hoses, diesel engine parts, you name it, if it is on a boat it costs more (something like supply and demand, I fell asleep in Econ 101).
B = Broke
O = Or
A = About
T = To

OR

B = Break
O = Out
A = Another
T = Thousand
When I was enamored of sail versus stinkpots, I asked a friend who kept a beautiful 50 or 60 foot sailboat in the harbor off the Chicago Yacht Club what it was like to own a sailboat in Chicago.

His answer:
"Put on a rain suit and boots. Stand in an ice cold shower with the water full blast in your face. Tear up $100 bills. Watch the pieces float down the drain. That's exactly what it is like to own a sailboat in Chicago, except we owners don't call them sailboats, we call them holes in the water."

His answer:
"Put on a rain suit and boots. Stand in an ice cold shower with the water full blast in your face. Tear up $100 bills. Watch the pieces float down the drain. That's exactly what it is like to own a sailboat in Chicago, except we owners don't call them sailboats, we call them holes in the water."[/QUOTE]

Yes, that's what they said when I bought a boat in Michigan, and lived a block off a lake. The definition of a boat is "a large hole in the water into which you pour vast sums of money", true, true.
I sold it when I moved to southern Ohio. Enjoyed it while I had it, but didn't miss it.

Nothing upsets me more than waiting at the fuel dock for a sailboat to finish fueling. Go figure. :eek:

Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, California, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 ft. Bayliner boat to perform. It wouldn't plane at all, and it was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power was applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted over to a nearby marina, thinking someone there could tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working order. The engine ran fine, the outdrive went up and down, the prop was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.

REMEMBER, THIS IS A TRUE STORY.....

Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.


After one particularly difficult passage, a famous cruising couple find themselves at the Pearly Gates, where their lines are taken by St. Peter himself. "There doesn't seem to be much record of you, good or bad," he says. "so I'm going to let you decide for yourselves whether you go to heaven or ****. First let me describe them for you. On the one hand, you could spend eternity in cramped quarters, your beds a few inches shorter than you are tall, your food and water always rationed, and a shower something you could only dream of."
"And what about ****?" the couple asked.


How many boaters does it take to change a lightbulb? None, because the right size bulb isn't on board, the local marine-supply store doesn't carry that brand, and the mail-order house has them on back-order.


Dead ahead, through the pitch-black night, the captain sees a light on a collision course with his ship.
He sends a signal: "Change your course ten degrees east."
"Change yours ten degrees west," comes the reply.
The captain responds, "I'm a United States Navy captain! Change your course, sir!"
"I'm a seaman second class," the next message reads. "Change your course, sir."
The captain is furious. "I'm a battleship! I'm not changing course!"
"I'm a lighthouse. Your call."

Boats:
Karma:
If you give some good advice to a newbie over in the "business" Forums, tarheels4, (no Karma available in the Coffee Break Chatter forum), I'll give you a big dose of karma. When and if I give you the karma, I'll include an explanation of why I think you earned it.

Okey Dokey!

Little Boy asks: "Daddy, how was I born?"
DAD SAYS: Ah, my son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!
Well, you see your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on AOL.
Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a
Cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little popup
appeared and said:

You've got MALE!

:applause: :applause: :applause: :applause: :applause: :applause:

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Valerie, Valerie....that is the best :lmao:

ditto

Well "ditto" was too short, but "ditto" to the last 2 posts.

Ripped from a newsgroup:

Linus Torvalds, Steve Jobs, and Bill Gates are gathered one night, when an angel miraculously appears. The angel grants them each one question.

Linus goes first, asking, "Tell me how long it will be before Linux is completely secure and the last bug is squashed." The angel looks into the future, and then answers, "It will be 10 years before Linux is completely secure and the last bug is squashed." Linus chokes up, sheds some tears, and laments, "I may not even live to see it."

Then Jobs steps forward and asks, "Tell me how long it will be before the MacOS is completely secure and the last bug is squashed." The angel looks into the future, and then answers, "It will be 20 years before Mac OS is completely secure and the last bug is squashed." Jobs chokes up, sheds some tears, and laments, "I may not even live to see it."

After a while, the two turn to Gates, who is shuffling around and staring at the ground mumbling. "Well, Bill, aren't you going to pose your question?" they ask him. "Oh, all right," he says with annoyance, "How long will it be before Windows is completely secure and the last bug is squashed?" The angel looks into the future, then looks further, then ... the angel chokes up, sheds some tears, and laments, "I may not even live to see it."

Absolutely Great, Marc!

Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, California, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 ft. Bayliner boat to perform. It wouldn't plane at all, and it was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power was applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted over to a nearby marina, thinking someone there could tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working order. The engine ran fine, the outdrive went up and down, the prop was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.

REMEMBER, THIS IS A TRUE STORY.....

Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.




I saw this recently on an episode of MythBusters! They proved it entirely true, and also interviewed someone, I think, that was involved with at least one true instance himself!

Without the trailer it topped out about ~20knots or so, with the trailer it maxed about 2-3knots...

Jerry

You might want to go here (http://www.snopes.com/humor/jokes/isabella.htm) where there's more about this, including,



Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, California, a blonde (of course!!), new to boating was having a problem. No matter how hard she tried, she just couldn't get her brand new 22-ft. Bayliner to perform. It wouldn't get on a plane at all, and it was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power she applied.

After about an hour of trying to make it go, she putted over to a nearby marina. Maybe they could tell her what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything was in perfect working order. The engine ran fine, the outdrive went up and down, the prop was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.

(REMEMBER, this is TRUE) Under the boat, still strapped securely in place was the trailer.

Almost certainly an urban legend, regardless of the Snopes reference to a Bayliner employee telling a similar story.

A simple misunderstanding
There is a factory in Australia which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys.
The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arm. A new employee is hired at
the Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at
0800. The next day at 0845 there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's
door.
The Foreman from the assembly line throws open the door and begins to rant
about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the
whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind
schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself. So the 2 men
march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed
up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're
really beginning to pile up.
At the end of the line stands the new employee surrounded by a mountain of
Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small
marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric,
wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package
between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of
hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches the woman.
"I'm sorry,"he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I
think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday".
Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles".

This was on Mythbusters a couple weeks ago. They proved it could happen and found out that it actually had happened. Just not like the story however.
A couple of employees had to deliver a boat and for one reason or another (I just don't remember what the program gave as a reason) they drove the boat, trailer and all, to the marina and turned it over to the new owner.

This was on Mythbusters a couple weeks ago. They proved it could happen and found out that it actually had happened. Just not like the story however.
A couple of employees had to deliver a boat and for one reason or another (I just don't remember what the program gave as a reason) they drove the boat, trailer and all, to the marina and turned it over to the new owner.
I take it you are talking about the boat, and not "Tickle-Me Elmo". Although your comments are funnier in context to the Elmo post!

While I hate to do this for a few reasons, I have decided to close this thread and start a 'humour' forum. There are a lot of really great jokes and humourous posts here, but for the future I think it will be best to start new threads for individual jokes. No - I won't be actively limiting thread length, but I will try to convince you folks to start a new thread in this forum when you want to put in a new joke or humourous event, etc.