Date: Wed, 7 Nov 2001 19:25:18 -0500 (EST)
From: Scott Adams
To: Marc Smith
Subject: Dilbert Newsletter 38.0

Dilbert Newsletter 38.0
-----------------------

To: Dogbert's New Ruling Class (DNRC)
From: Scott Adams scottadams@aol.com
Date: November 2001


Highlights
-------------------------------------------------
* Scott's Patriotic Duty
* Boss and Cow-orker Quotes
* Holiday Gift Ideas
* True Tales of Induhviduals
-------------------------------------------------

DNRC Update
-----------

There are 400,000 people in the DNRC, each more attractive, generous and intelligent than those who do not read the free Dilbert Newsletter. Maybe that's a coincidence, but I'm starting to doubt it.

My Patriotic Duty -----------------

I've been wondering about the best way to offer my patriotic services in this time of global conflict. I don't think I'd be a good candidate for Special Ops. I'd be the one with the wheeled carry-on bag saying, "Hey, guys, I have sand in my shoe! Is anyone else hungry? Can I use my flashlight now?"

I'm already donating money to patriotic causes, and I bought some plastic flags made in China, but I felt I needed to do more. Then it hit me. There is one patriotic duty for which I have prepared my entire life: dehumanizing the enemy. In a sense, that's been my full-time job for years. I just need to replace the word "management" with "Taliban." So let's get started.

I've been trying to figure out the Taliban's long-term strategy and I think I got it: They're trying to reverse evolution. Their uncontrolled body hair is a good start. Living in caves was an obvious step too.

The hard part was eliminating any trace of intelligence in the children. But they've made great strides in that area. Have you seen the video of the Taliban schools where the little kids squat on the floor and rock back and forth chanting all day? No math, no social studies, just rocking and chanting. For PE they use sticks to whack stuffed dummies labeled "Bush" and "Blair." I'm not sure how they know how to spell "Bush" and "Blair." On any given morning they're probably whacking dummies labeled "Tqwft" and "Upxpgt" but it's a good aerobic workout either way.

Just for fun, ask yourself what part of the Taliban curriculum could NOT be accomplished by, for example, a monkey: Rocking back and forth? Chanting? Beating a dummy with a stick? Even if a monkey only got a "D" in chanting, he would still graduate with honors from a Taliban school thanks to his high overall grades in rocking and whacking.

As I write this, our generals are trying to figure out how to get the Taliban out of their caves. They're running sophisticated war game scenarios and calculating risks and gathering intelligence. I have one word for them:

bananas

I don't want my patriotic words misconstrued as ethnic or religious insults. As soon as the evildoers stop doing evil, I am willing to promote them to full-fledged Induhviduals and insult them on equal footing with everyone else who doesn't read the Dilbert Newsletter.

Now that we've dehumanized the Taliban, let's get on to the important work of dehumanizing our bosses, cow-orkers and family members.

Induhvidual Confusion ---------------------

Some topics seem to confuse Induhviduals more than others. For example, they seem to have special trouble with concepts involving wildlife, vision and their own pants. See for yourself in these true quotes from Induhvidual bosses and Cow-orkers, submitted by DNRC members:

---

A VP was speaking at a meeting and said, "Well, you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him crap." Someone up front said, "That's drink...can't make him drink." To which the VP said, "That's stupid."

---

"In the kingdom of the blind, the one-eyed horse is king!"

---

A cow-orker once said, "Looks like he's thrown a wrench in the monkeyworks."

---

"A two-prawn approach is necessary."

---

Here is a mangled expression the CIO at our company told me the other day. We were discussing an issue we both agreed upon and he said I was "preaching to the blind."

---

"He won't last, he's just a flash in the pants."

---

One of the employees called in to say that she couldn't come to work because she "...had to have an autopsy."

---

My boss was telling a very involved story about something that happened to him. He leaned back nonchalantly and offered as a philosophical summary: "Sometimes fact is stranger than truth."

---

"It's a catch 20-20."

---

Our former boss suffered from the excessive use of mixed metaphors. An all-time howler was the day we asked him what his plans were to ensure success for a campaign and his reply was "Don't worry; I've got an ace up my hole."

---

At a management meeting, my CEO said, "Our company is like a living orgasm." Now that's what I call job satisfaction.

---

I overheard a manager congratulating an Induhvidual on having achieved a goal. The Induhvidual replied, "It was nothing. You planted the seed, and I ran with it."

--- In a meeting a cow-orker of mine referred to "the carrot at the end of the tunnel."

---

"We are going to be shooting from the seat of our pants on this one."

---

These all came from the same boss:

"Vision is in the eyes of the beholder."

"Part of the verbiage is a language thing."

"Eventually, I want it now."

"It's not that kind of zero."

"There are a lot of areas for efficiency reductions."

"In the last year, you've turned around 150%."

---

When a high-powered agent of the company walked into the lunch room, our secretary remarked to our group that she couldn't stand him because he was "so ego-testicle." One of my cow-orkers spit coffee out of his nose, which just added to the moment.

---

"I think you might have hit the nail on the button."

---

"...caught between a rock and a wet spot."

---

And my nomination for scariest thing a boss ever said:

"I was thinking about you in the shower this morning and I thought of a name for you."
Holiday Gift Ideas ------------------

When I'm not slaving away writing FREE Dilbert Newsletters for you, I sometimes make holiday gift recommendations. I believe a gift should acknowledge the recipient's unique personality and interests. That's why I organized these suggestions by personality defect.


For Heathens, Vulcans, Skeptics and Dogmatics: ----------------------------------------------

My first non-Dilbert book, "God's Debris" (now in hardcover), is full of thought experiments about souls, free will and science that will have your friends and family arguing with each other for weeks. Combine the book with alcoholic beverages and there might even be some slapping.

The book is designed to fit in a stocking and to look as if you put more thought into the gift than you really did. Imagine how smart you'll seem when you say, "I found all the errors in reasoning. I'm sure you will too."

We probably didn't print enough copies of "God's Debris" for the holiday season (really) - it's way more popular than I expected -- so if it's meant to be a gift, act now. Get several for your smart friends or get just one and let people borrow it.

People With Short Attention Spans: ----------------------------------

I recommend the Dilbert Page-A-Day Calendar for people who can't handle more than 10 seconds per day of any one type of entertainment. For more severe cases of attention deficit, consider the monthly wall calendar or the weekly planner.

Imagine the look on the face of the lucky recipient, full of unmitigated joy and boundless appreciation for your gift-giving brilliance.

People Who Are Hard To Shop For: --------------------------------

I recommend my new book, "When Did Ignorance Become a Point of View?" It's a compilation of Dilbert comics that won't clash with anyone's home decorations or wardrobe. And it shows thoughtfulness because everyone you know has either had a job or knows someone who has.

Tip: When it's being unwrapped say, "You'll like this unless you're dead inside." That prevents most people from complaining, which is similar to being happy.

For Dyslexics: --------------

For dyslexics (like me) I recommend the or Calendar Day-A-Page Dilbert, my book "Debris God's," my and book, "When Become Did a Point of Ignorance View."

People Who Stand Too Close: ---------------------------

Dilbert mints, featuring Manage-Mints, Improve-Mints, Accomplish-mints and Pay-mints are now available.

The mints are good for people who like tasty mints or bad puns or collecting little tin containers for who-knows-what purpose.

Plop, The Hairless Elbonian ---------------------------

Over the summer I was experimenting with a Dilbert spin-off comic strip about a little boy and his pig growing up in the clueless country of Elbonia. Unfortunately this isn't a good time to launch a comic featuring people who look like the Taliban. So it's on the shelf, probably permanently.

Let me know what you think.

True Tales of Induhviduals --------------------------

Here now, more true tales of Induhviduals, as submitted by members of the DNRC.

The story in your last newsletter about the kid named Ampersand reminded me of another version I heard recently. One of my relatives met a woman who wanted to call her kid LATRINE. It took me an hour to stop laughing long enough to ask if anybody had pointed out what a latrine is. They had. She was apparently still intent on using it.

---

When I received my new credit card, it had the number two (2) after my name instead of Roman numeral II as it should have, indicating that my name is the same as my father's. I called the bank's customer service number and asked that their records be changed to use the Roman numeral two (II) instead of the number two (2).

The customer service rep said, "I'm sorry, sir. My computer doesn't have Roman numerals."

---

I just went to see the Cirque du Soleil. During one performance, where a man and woman were flying around by having scarves under their arms attached to this huge wheel thing in the air while doing complicated acrobatics at the same time, an Induhvidual behind me said to her companion, "That must take a lot of practice."

---

At my bookstore a customer returned three of Shakespeare's books because, "The DARN things are in the form of PLAYS!"

---

At the grocery store, the checkout woman scanned all of my items then picked up the rubber divider and looked it over for the bar code so she could scan it. She asked, "Do you know how much this is?"

I said, "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today."

She said, "Okay." I paid her and left.


Dilbert Fodder ---------------

What's bugging you about your job? Let me know and you might see it in a Dilbert comic or newsletter. The best comic fodder involves workplace peeves, devious strategies, frustrations of dealing with others, conflicting objectives, unintended management consequences, and of course my favorite - idiot bosses.

And I love True Tales of Induhviduals.

And if you're seeing any new management trends that need to be mocked, I can help. Send your suggestions to me at scottadams@aol.com. Short ones are better.

All submissions to Scott Adams and/or Dilbert.com shall become the exclusive property of United Media and Scott Adams, and they will have the right to use them free of charge, in any manner and in any medium, forever and throughout the world.

Please do not reply to the address the newsletter is mailed from.

Here's a good funny for y'all

Dear Consumers:

It has come to our attention that a few copies of the WINDOWS 98 SOUTHERN EDITION may have inadvertently been shipped outside the South. If you have one of these, you may need some help understanding the commands.

The SOUTHERN EDITION may be recognized by the unique opening screen. It reads WINDERS 98 with a background art of Gen. Robert E. Lee superimposed on a Confederate flag. It is shipped with a Dukes of Hazzard screen saver.

Please also note:

The Recycle Bin is labeled "Outhouse"
My Computer is called "This Dern Contraption"
Dial up Networking is called "Good Ol' Boys"
Control Panel is known as "The Dashboard"
Hard Drive is referred to as "4 Wheel Drive"
Floppies are "Them little ol' plastic disc thangs"
Instead of an error message, a garbage bag and roll of duct tape pops up.

CHANGES IN TERMINOLOGY IN SOUTHERN EDITION
OK: ats aw-right
Cancel: **** on it
Reset: try er agin
Yes: yep
No: noop
Find: hunt fer it
Go to: over yonder
Back: back yonder
Help: hep me out here
Stop: kwitit
Start: crank er up
Settings: sittins
Programs: stuff at duz stuff
Documents: stuff I done did

Also note that SOUTHERN EDITION does not recognize capital letters or punctuation marks.

PROGRAMS EXCLUSIVE TO WINDERS 98

tiperiter: A word processing program
colerin book: a graphics program
cyferin mersheen: calculator
outhouse paper: notepad
jupe-box: CD player
iner-net: Microsoft Explorer 4.0
pichers: A graphics viewer
irs: MS accounting software
irs2: MS accounting software with hidden files
tax records: Generally an empty file
coon dawg: American Kennel Club records

You'll also recognize WINDERS 98 SOUTHERN EDITION as it comes preloaded with certain "Favorites" for browsing the Worldwide Web:

Fish: Bass Anglers Sportsman Society
NRA: National Rifle Association
Shotgun: Remington Arms home page
Riffel: Winchester home page
Pisstul: Smith & Wesson home page
Truck: Ford & Chevy dealers by zip code
House: Mobile home repair services and movers by zip code
Cuzzins: Complete database of southern residents
Bud: List of Budweiser distributors by zip code
Rasin: NASCAR racing schedule w/TV stations carrying races
Car 'n Truck Repair: Junk yards by zip code
Doc: Veterinarians by zip code

We regret any inconvenience it may have caused if you received a copy of the SOUTHERN EDITION. You may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version.

I hope this helps all y'all.

Billy Bob Gates
Head Honcho



*******************************************

CarolX

I don't know where you found this but it's GREAT! I couldn't stop laughing!

Marc,

Believe it or not, I got this from a friend who live deep in the south. I've had it for several years, but the other thread that got into exotic foods/road kill recipies reminded me of it and I had to post it.

Carol

Marc: where did our Humor Thread go??
I wanted to add these Thoughts on why I must be getting older??
but can't seem to find it .. Hmmmm??

Now that I’m ‘older’ (but refuse to grow up), here’s
what I’ve discovered:

God grant me the senility to forget the people I
never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones that I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

ONE- I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

TWO- My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.

THREE- I finally got my head together; now my body
is falling apart.

FOUR- Funny, I don’t remember being absent minded...

FOUR- Funny, I don’t remember being absent minded...

FIVE- All reports are in; life is now officially unfair.

SIX- If all is not lost, where is it?

SEVEN- It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

EIGHT- Some days you’re the dog; some days you’re the hydrant!

NINE- I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use
a few...

TEN- Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

ELEVEN- Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

TWELVE- It’s hard to make a comeback when you
haven’t been anywhere.

THIRTEEN- The only time the world beats a path to
your door is when you’re in the bathroom.

FOURTEEN- If God wanted me to touch my toes, he
would have put them on my knees.

FIFTEEN- When I’m finally holding all the cards, why
does everyone decide to play chess?

SIXTEEN- It’s not hard to meet expenses... they’re everywhere.

SEVENTEEN- The only difference between a rut and a
grave is the depth.

EIGHTEEN- These days, I spend a lot of time thinking
about the hereafter...I go somewhere to get something and then
wonder what I’m hereafter.

NINETEEN- I AM UNABLE TO REMEMBER IF I HAVE MAILED
THIS TO YOU BEFORE OR NOT!

:bigwave:

The humour threads were archived and didn't carry over. I think they're in the old system archives still but I'm not sure you can get to them anymore unless you know the exact URL - long story.

However, that said, when the road kill recipes started to appear in Al's Personal Drugs Thread (http://16949.com/Forums/showthread.php?threadid=3604), I put the "BS" on the end of this forum name (in case you didn't notice or connect the initials).

If we can confess/discuss our personal drug habits / therapies, and - well - heck. What DOESN'T that thread have in it? I think we can live with jokes in this forum. I'm pretty sure they'll fit right in with the recipes for bugs and roadkill and whatever else Randy and the gang come up with. OK by me! We've already well passed the threshhold of decorum in this forum. :thedeal:

Just start adding to this thread!

de-courm??

Ain't dat what dem folks "fixin-up" the Waskelly roadkills do to apples & peaches & such:confused:

Jim,

Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most!! (told to me as a child by my grandfather).

Kev

Jim,

Shared your 19 points with my spousal unit this evening. We both laughed until we thought we'd have an accident. (but not in the back seat. Wife says thank God we're passed that!!!!)
I believe I'll be passing this one on to others.

Man I lOVE this board. We work hard, (I guess) and need to let loose. Thanks all for the laughs.

James (and Karol)

JRKH glad you appreciated the little "break in the action" - but its's nothing compared to what's going on with the Road-Kill Cafe thing :biglaugh: Go ahead on & pass it to anyone that needs a lift... (Possible many of us need a lift right now)

Truth - We all owe Marc nothing less than a big thanks: for allowing us this escape - from time to time - everyone here is as knowledgeable and professional as possible for the real world things we deal with - I can't fault any of them for their expiertiese
(but I'm still not sure I could successfully defend their Ideas on 'GOOD FOOD" either - (tee-hee)

Marc - "BS" could stand for a lot of things - but I think I have a clearer idea of the Official designation :bigwave:

a) The shortest distance between two points is the one where you don't hafta bend over

b) Human bodies in motion tend to fall in the exact ceter of the couch

c) Energy can nither be created nor destroyed. It CAN however be wasted.

d) Infinite mass is achieved at the speed of light - (and also during Thanksgiving dinner)

Jim, I really don't think you want to know what we do with peaches and apples!

Let's not go there.:lick:

:bigwave:


Ok I won't pursue the issue: sounds like it could get reall scarry..


I'm beginning to understand why you selected the cartoon pic with the bag over your head :biglaugh:

Originally posted by Jim Biz
c) Energy can nither be created nor destroyed. It CAN however be wasted.


Oh Yes, he really can!:biglaugh: :smokin:

Randy's been known to be wasted ( :ko: ) too, but he gave that up when he married Judi (:D ) and started attending church regular.:)

Speaking of regular...good olive oil, Bing Cherries, or green apples are good for that.:biglaugh:

Toodles:bigwave:

Randy,

Whatever do you mean? Wasted?.....I was talking about my efforts on the job front and how unappreciated they are. Are you confessing to some sin, brought upon by those regular church visits? Not necessary. The ten commandments missed that type of sin. Unless "thou shall not have false gods before me (Idology?)" or, something like that. As someone who visits the lake for my spiritual satisfaction, I haven't a clue.:rolleyes: :smokin:

Randy (as I pause & hesitate to ask)
Do you de-corum the green apples - or are the seeds left in the mix ?? -

Energy - thought you would "get a kick" out of what can be done to ya :lick:

Can't say I should take credit for "origional thought" tho - found those in the local newspaper...

Have a great weekend everyone - Mrs Biz & I are off to do the Horseback - camp & trail thing - (in November in the Mid-west yet) with any luck at all - I won't get a chance to "browse around here till sometime Sunday afternoon..

:bigwave:

If you haven't been here, you may find it interesting...

http://DarwinAwards.com/

I will never condom any type of humor on this bored!!!

Air Force Hits Broad Side Of Barn
With Missile Defense Test

http://Elsmar.com/jpg/barn1.jpg
The Air Force conducted a successful test of its planned missile defense system by accurately intercepting the broad side of a barn with a warhead from a distance of 50 feet. “This should put to rest any of the doubts regarding our technological capability of destroying nuclear missiles that may be fired at us from rogue nations such as Lichtenstein,” said Air Force General Buck Smithers. This was the third attempt to hit the elusive target in a series of tests carried out on a farm in southern California. Witnesses to the event seemed impressed. “That giant missile lifted off and soared what must have been several hundred feet before it made a sharp U-turn and hit that barn smack on the side. I ain’t never seen anything like it,” said beet farmer Zeke Pariah as he scratched his head in evident amazement. The White House hailed the success as an impetus to begin full scale construction of the missile defense system that as yet lacks a projected cost because it exceeds the tabulation capacity of the Pentagon’s computer system.

Secretary of Defense of Donald Rumsfeld proposed a revised missile defense system that he claims can be implemented quickly and inexpensively utilizing space tourists armed with laser rifles. The Strategic Astro Program or SAP will offer millionaires the opportunity to serve as trained space sentries for a fee of $30 million. “Who wouldn’t want to see the world and serve their country in the grandeur of space? It will be like laser tag with higher stakes. Plus the user fees will fully fund their training,” Rumsfeld said at a Pentagon briefing.

The project originally called for the use of Air Force officers to assure proper training and strict security. After the Russians pocketed $20 million from American civilian Dennis Tito to orbit in space, Rumsfeld was convinced to use a similar revenue source for his program. “NASA might not want them, but we’re happy to let American civilians pay to serve our country in space. We already let large donors pilot our submarines as guests,” said a Pentagon source.

Are you tired of the mushy “friendship” poems that always sound good but
never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a “friendship” poem
that really speaks to true friendship and truth itself!


Friend,
When you are sad, ...I will get you drunk and help you plot revenge
against the sorry bastard who made you sad.
When you are blue, ...I’ll try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
When you smile, ...I’ll know you finally got laid.
When you are scared, ...I will rag you about it every chance I get.
When you are worried, ...I will tell you horrible stories about how much
worse it could be and to quit whining.
When you are confused, ...I will use little words to explain it to your
dumb ass.
When you are sick, ...stay away from me until you’re well again. I don’t
want whatever you have.
When you fall, ...I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.
This is my oath, ...I pledge ‘till the end. Why you may ask?
Because you’re my friend!
Send this poem to ten of your closest friends (or else you will have bad
luck and go to hell) and get depressed because you realize you only have 2
friends, and one of them is not speaking to you right now anyway.

P.S. A friend will help you move. A really good friend will help you move
a body.

The Surrogate

The Smiths were unable to conceive children, and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon".

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning madam. I've come to......"

"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.

"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."

"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat.

After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too....you can really spread out!"

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."

"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, my, that's a lot of ..." gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."

"Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith said quietly. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus." "Oh my god!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well,when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." "She was difficult ?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to a park. They were gathered around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."

"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.

"Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate! Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your um...equipment ?"

"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."

"Tripod??

"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold very long. Madam? Madam?.....Good Lord, she's fainted!!:smokin:

THE COMEBACK OF THE YEAR

A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family - but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raises his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

http://Elsmar.com/jpg/stuffing-small.jpg

Here's one for energy...

Ven Two Minnesootins
Meet Oop Nort On Da Lake Fichen!

Haydair
Lobuddy
Benearlong?
Coplhours
Crieps, cetchenenny?
Yepgoddafew
Vairdayittn?
Oberdair
Kindarday?
Valleyeennordern
Ennysiztooum?
Cuplapowns
Oofda, ittenard?
Yepsordalike
Vahchaoozindalindyrik?
Ohyeahdonchano
Fichenondaboddum?
Rydoopneardaboddum
Howdeeperya?
Bouttvenyfeet
Oh, Vachadrinkin?
Hadacouplabeers
Velligoddago
Tubad
Seeyaround
Yeahtakideeze
Guluk
Yoobetcha

Achieve 103% ", says my boss on his way out for a long lunch. I know that bosses aren't the sharpest tools in the shed. They used the edge too much already to get where they are.
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants "more than 100%."

Well here's how you do that. Here's how you can achieve 103%. First of all, here's a little math that might prove helpful in the future. How does one achieve 100% in LIFE? Begin by noting the following.

If:

A = 1
B = 2
C = 3
D = 4
E = 5
F = 6
G = 7
H = 8
I = 9
J = 10
K = 11
L = 12
M = 13
N = 14
O = 15
P = 16
Q = 17
R = 18
S = 19
T = 20
U = 21
V = 22
W = 23
X = 24
Y = 25
Z = 26

Then:

H A R D W O R K =
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = Only 98%

Similarly,

K N O W L E D G E =
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = Only 96%

But interesting (and as you'd expect),

A T T I T U D E =
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%.....This is how you achieve 100% in LIFE.

But EVEN MORE IMPORTANT TO NOTE (or REALIZE), is

B U L L S H I T =
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

So now you know what all those high-priced consultants, upper management, and motivational speakers really mean when they want to exceed 100%!

Good Luck, and give yourself a 106% (long lunch) or better yet 85%
(vacation).

Ken,

Any chance you can translate that into plain english. :eek:

Passed it around work and we loved it!!! :)

CarolX

Energy!!!!

Possibly your finest post yet! I haven't heard this one before - probably old news to others, but man can I use this!! Minus the "high-priced consultant" piece.:p

Laura
:p

ROFLMAO!!!!:biglaugh:

I've copied and e-mailed this to our QA Manager, suggesting he use it as a meeting opener for the Mgmt Rev mtg set for Fri :)

Originally posted by E Wall
ROFLMAO!!!!:biglaugh

Eileen,

You're on, whether you like it or not, "MY Buddies" list. I have to know what the acronym means. Send me some mail.
Beside that, today marks the 36 Anniversary of my co-habitation with the woman who can put up with this sicko for so long! (Nov 27, 1965). Seems like just yesterday:( :eek: :confused: :)) :smokin:

Wait - let me guess first...

Rolling On Floor Laughing My Asterick Off ?????

Yippee - I like it....

Carol wanted Ken to translate. Although I am not from Minnesota, I took a stab at it. I work with a Uper (someone from the Upper Peninsula of Michigan), and got most of it. Ken, you gotsta help!

Haydair (hey there)
Lobuddy (hello buddy)
Benearlong? (Been here long?)
Coplhours (Couple of hours)
Crieps, cetchenenny? (Cripes, Catching any?)
Yepgoddafew (Yep, got a few)
Vairdayittn? (Where are they hitting?)
Oberdair (Over there)
Kindarday? (What kind are they?)
Valleyeennordern (You partially got me here – something northern (as in pike)
Ennysiztooum? (Any size to them?)
Cuplapowns (a couple of pounds)
Oofda, ittenard? (Are they hitting hard?)
Yepsordalike (Yes, sorta like)
Vahchaoozindalindyrik? (Another stumper…What you using … and I’m lost)
Ohyeahdonchano (Oh yeah, don’t you know)
Fichenondaboddum? (Fishing on the bottom?)
Rydoopneardaboddum (Pretty close to the bottom – actually right near the bottom)
Howdeeperya? (How deep are you?)
Bouttvenyfeet (About 20 feet)
Oh, Vachadrinkin? ( Oh, what are you drinking)
Hadacouplabeers (Had a couple of beers)
Velligoddago (well I got to go)
Tubad (unknown)
Seeyaround (See you around)
Yeahtakideeze (Yeah, take it easy)
Guluk (Gook look)
Yoobetcha (You bet ya)

Dave B (the other Dave)
:biglaugh:

Very good db. Almost got it all...

Haydair (hey there)
Lobuddy (hello buddy)
Benearlong? (Been here long?)
Coplhours (Couple of hours)
Crieps, cetchenenny? (Cripes, Catching any?)
Yepgoddafew (Yep, got a few)
Vairdayittn? (Where are they hitting?)
Oberdair (Over there)
Kindarday? (What kind are they?)
Valleyeennordern (walleye and northern)
Ennysiztooum? (Any size to them?)
Cuplapowns (a couple of pounds)
Oofda, ittenard? (Are they hitting hard?)
Yepsordalike (Yes, sorta like)
Vahchaoozindalindyrik? (what you using...a lindy rig)
Ohyeahdonchano (Oh yeah, don’t you know)
Fichenondaboddum? (Fishing on the bottom?)
Rydoopneardaboddum (right down near the bottom)
Howdeeperya? (How deep are you?)
Bouttvenyfeet (About 20 feet)
Oh, Vachadrinkin? ( Oh, what are you drinking)
Hadacouplabeers (Had a couple of beers)
Velligoddago (well I got to go)
Tubad (too bad)
Seeyaround (See you around)
Yeahtakideeze (Yeah, take it easy)
Guluk (Gook look)
Yoobetcha (You bet ya)

Ken,

Vahchaoozindalindyrik? (what you using...a lindy rig)

This was the only one we couldn't figure out.



Bill-

Congrats!!!!!!!

:bigwave:

CarolX

Lindy rig - A fishing line hookup - for snatching walleyes (i think)
then again there is also a Lindy - boat company.

Left out ("scodonta") - lets go down to

In the south = New Orleanes
"Passby" = stop at the house
"comsa-dat" - look over there at that

I passed the list to my co-worker from the UP and he corrected me on the language. I find it hard to believe I couldn’t get “too bad”. I also must apologize for my failing to properly identify the folks from the UP. I was severely reprimanded for calling them “Uper”. The correct identification is a “Yooper”. I knew that, and have no excuse!

Dave B (the other Dave)
:bonk:

Don't forget http://Elsmar.com/level2/Bingo.html for your next meeting... :thedeal:

That was of the first things I did when I came to this new job. I changed a few of the choices to reflect the buzz words used here and handed them out. We kept score, when we could. Everybody else thought we were keeping notes. We even picked up new phrases as the meetings progressed. There was a couple of barely audible "Bingos" muttered followed by veiled snickers. Got to be careful. :ko: Even now, when those familiar with it even hear one phrase, we nod and give each other "Bingos". Good One:biglaugh: :smokin:

You really use the BS Bingo 'form' from this site - or did you see the same thing somewhere else?

Right from here, my Good man. In fact, besides your lengthy disclaimers, it provided me with some insight (Not enough I'm afraid) as to the man behind the scenes!;) Geez, I'm becoming maudlin? Later Cheech!:ko: Bowling night. I just got in! Can you tell?:thedeal: :smokin:

Marc - Fyi
A close Friend uses it in her office meetings as well - (using their own buzz words of course ) but with an added twist
when someone in the group "scores a bingo" they "noticeably clear their throat" so everyone -playing the game knows what happened - the "presenter" never catches on. :bigwave:

I'm trying to remember where I first saw it (read: where I stole it). I remember I freaked out and put it into a web page. I was just learning to do tables in html.

What struck me that hadn't before was energy's post. I have to admit I never really thought of actually passing them out in a meeting. I thought to myself WoW! Am I stupid. That's a great idea to 'temper' a meeting. Then when Jim posted his post I hadn't thought about - well, everyone having one and knowing what's going on except the presenter.

This needs to be put into a format which people can put on their PDA's!

This was passed around our staff over a year ago, but I lost my copy. I'm sure I could make one up, but this is one time I'm not feeling very creative and would love it if one of you would (if you can) post the file as an attachment here.

Thanks~Eileen

How's this for service? :thedeal:

I loved BS bingo - and created a variation of it for a light hearted QS overview with a laid back client.

1st - one way to get folks interested in a meeting is to have food - so M&M's were the markers.

I created a blank bingo board, put a list of QS terms on the overhead and had people create their own bingo card (so everyone didn't Yell at once)

I had all the essential terms....Quality Policy, Management Responsibility, Job Instructions, Level 2 Documents....words you would expect to say in an overview. I think I even had more than the # of spaces so they could pick.

Anyway - then I just went about my training, and they were to cover a space when they heard a word I said. So at least they were listening! Some even tried leading questions to get me to say their last word.

It ended up being alot of fun (although I wasn't sure how "queer" they would think it was) - Depends on the company personality. At this one it worked. Others I wouldn't try it.

Those of you who have read some of my posts realize that like sooooo many of us here, I tend to see the brighter (lighter?) side of things. I try to inject humor in my classes when applicable. Anyone who has taught a class on the requirements of ISO 9001, or other document can attest to the difficulty to teach the “shalls”.

This sometimes has some unusual effects. I had one person actually formally complain because he felt that QS-9000 is too important to use humor! Sometimes the humor comes back at me as well. I recently had a participant put on the end of class “smile sheet” (class evaluation), that of all the classes she has ever attended, mine was by far the most recent! She did not mean the most up-to-date, she meant recent.

I would be really interested in what others have either written, or received on course evaluations.

Dave B (the other Dave)

I've been using Buzz Word Bingo for years. The 1st time I had contact with it was at a Command meeting full of Army officers. The military is chock full of Buzz Words, acronyms and all that stuff. :biglaugh:

I appreciate the expedience of your reply!

Too bad they had me helping out in the warehouse...so it took 'til now to see it!

I plan on creating one for 'Internal Auditing' for use during my next training class (which lasts 4 days + they are graded on both a written test as well as participation and performance of an internal audit that I lead), which I think will be a great ice-breaker as well as helping to hold their attention. I love the M&M idea, and I'll come up with some non-food reward (that they will want to compete for) for Bingo's.

Thanks for all the ideas!

Chili Cook offs


Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:

"Recently I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili

JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now, get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting ****-faced from all the beer.

Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burn-out taste buds? Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. bimbo is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!

Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic.Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. I messed myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone!

Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of a lava-like substance to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all,
not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot.
Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot chili?


FRANK: --------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)

Thanks Ken... I was laughing so hard co-workers were starting to give me funny looks... Frank's comments on Chili #5 were the kicker...



:vfunny: :biglaugh: :ko:

Once upon a time, a long-long time ago, there was a season
when neither the Green Bay Packers or the Chicago Bears
made the play-offs. Being the rivals they are, it was decided
instead of sitting home watching the other teams play, they
would get together for a competition of some sorts.

The management from both teams got together and decided
a day long ice fishing contest would be appropriate since it
was pretty darn cold outside. The team that iced the most fish
would win the honor of keeping a special trophy until the next
contest along with bragging rights.

So on a cold January morning the contest began on a windswept
northern Wisconsin lake. The coin toss would determine which
side of the lake each team would fish. Each quarter would last two hours at which time they would meet at the middle of the lake to tally the score.

After the first quarter, the Packer’s were leading 100 – 0. The Bears just thought the Packers got lucky and were determined to tie the score during the next quarter. But when the teams met at halftime, the Packer’s were leading 200-0 and each team headed to their bus to warm up.

The Bears coach suspected some sort of cheating was taking place and he was determined to find out. Well, he snuck on over to the Packer’s team bus and stole one of their uniforms which was laying in the snow. He then picked one of his players to infiltrate the Packer’s side of the lake to find out what was going on.

After the third quarter, with the Pack leading 300-0, the Bears spy snuck on back to the other side of the lake to report to the coach.

“Well, how about it, are they cheating?” the coach asked.

“They sure are” came the reply.

“They’re cutting holes in the ice!”

Ken,

I think it is rather insensitive of you to use football humor when there are those of us from the Detroit area at the Cove! We really don’t appreciate the use of the word “Superbowl” around here. :mad:

We have learned to count by saying 0 and 1, 0 and 2, 0 and 3….


Dave B (the other Dave)
:vfunny: :ko:

I'm really sorry Dave. I can feel your pain.

Do any of the Lions enjoy ice fishing? We need some team to take our place this year. :D


Now I really feel bad! :truce:

Ken,

It all depends...will they have to cross a goal line or anything? I would really hate to force them out of their comfort range and expose them to something new


Dave B (the other Dave):eek:

How many Lions does it take drill a hole in the ice?

Really only 2, 1 that tires after about 3/4 of the way through. The second would be a receiver who goes too far and drops the auger through the hole.:frust:

I read somewhere where folks were scared of dangerous animals in the Detroit area but found out.

All it takes to keep Lions out of Detroit is the installation of a goal post :bonk:

Yeah... we've had the Owen disease here for quite a while...
0 and 1
0 and 2
:biglaugh:

However, I hope everyone noticed that it took a good son of the south from my Alma Mater (who is also currently #1 - go Canes!)to whip these guys into shape... :ko: :smokin:

Who knows - maybe one year the Browns will get to go to that S word... in the mean time - I'm not holding my breath...:eek:

Cheers!!!

Jim,

I don't think the posts are the issue, thats where we get a majority of our scoring! Hansen is is a great kicker. I think the problem is not the goal posts, but the goal lines.

It's like those electronic gizmos that keep your dog from going past a certain point.

Even though a Lions fan, I am going to still hope they have a perfect season. 0-16. That will give Jay Leno some more fodder!:frust: :ko: :confused: :bigwave:

I really wish we hadn't brought up ice fishing.
Now I have to tell this story.

Seems these 2 old fishermen went out one day to icefish. Theywent out onto the lake and setup about 100 yards from each other. They sat there for over an hour without catching anything.

Soon a young fella of about 12 came out and drilled his hole right in between the two oldsters. He dropped his line in and shortly pulled out a nice catch. He dropped his line in again, and again pulled out a beauty.
The old fellows became more and more perturbed as the young man kept pulling up fish after fish. The young man caught his limit and began to pack up. This was just too much for the old fellows and they came over to investigate.

"Young feller, We've been here for 3 hours and haven't caught a thing," they said. "What's your secret".

The young fellow didn't even look up, but just kept packing his gear and said, "Yyymmmgmymfswm".

"Whats that"? The old men Asked.

"YYYMMMGMYMFSWM" the fellow replied.

Whats that? quit mumbling, they retorted.

With that the young fellow raised up, turned his head and "FFFTTOOOP!!" He turned back and said clearly, "You gotta keep your worms warm.":thedeal: :bonk: :thedeal:


Sorry, but it had to be said

James

Way to go JR - cute story :wave:

- but would I be totally incorrect to think that there seems to be a common theme in the humor threads - that being the use & misuse of animals ?? :ko:

Al - wasn't it Leno last week saying the Lions were 0 & 13 - but thought he might be using next weeks story line :D ( I really think the Goal Posts have a built in star trek force Field around them - rejecting any Lion football within say - Oh - 10 yards

Transcript from something I read somewhere.

.......I asked the MD how the assessment went and he nearly hit me. He was obviously upset about something. When he calmed down, he explained that the assessor had raised a major non-conformance against him (the MD) on the grounds that there was no objective evidence to show that he (the mD) has been trained in the use of the Quality Manual or Procedures
.
“Trained?” shouted the man, “I wrote the bloody thing!!”

Nice bag...have we met somewhere before?:p :rolleyes: :ko:

Probably in your dreams!

Gald its not Friday - this could get carried away !!!

There used to be a saying "Throw a bag over the head.......":biglaugh: Can't remember the rest of it!:ko: :smokin:

No...I never forget a paper bag...

Let's see,

InterNational Lunch Bag Convention, New Orleans 1991?

Paper Bag's Annonymous?

Yea, maybe in my dreams.

Sorry Jim, some people just don't look good in bags!

Its pretty friggin dark in here

I think they should be plastic with a draw string around the neck!:biglaugh: :ko: :smokin:

Being a woman I am an expert in bag haute couture, you either got it or you ain't.

You can get all sortsa bags in diferent shapes, sizes and colours. The best kind are the bin liners b/c you can draw them in at the waste to give a superb hour glass figure. This look should really be restricted to evening wear.

For daytime wear, you really should go for plain old paper, except in wet weather, in whcih case, go for a plastic alternative.

BTW Ken: I believe we met at the international paper bag fashion show fair in 1992. The reason you remembr me is b/c I was the one on the catwalk wearing my underwear over my bag!!

Originally posted by Laura
Being a woman I am an expert in bag haute couture, you either got it or you ain't.

You can get all sortsa bags in diferent shapes, sizes and colours. The best kind are the bin liners b/c you can draw them in at the waste to give a superb hour glass figure. This look should really be restricted to evening wear.

For daytime wear, you really should go for plain old paper, except in wet weather, in whcih case, go for a plastic alternative.

BTW Ken: I believe we met at the international paper bag fashion show fair in 1992. The reason you remembr me is b/c I was the one on the catwalk wearing my underwear over my bag!!

I think this thread now belongs on the Dress Code forum. :biglaugh:

For that down-home (Tennessee) look, a burlap bag tied with a nice piece of rope - you'll (or y'all) be the talk of the town...:D :bonk: :smokin:

Cheers!!!

Originally posted by Laura
BTW Ken: I believe we met at the international paper bag fashion show fair in 1992. The reason you remembr me is b/c I was the one on the catwalk wearing my underwear over my bag!!

I love a spirited individual:eek: Go Laura. Just for that, I'm taking my bag off:lick: :smokin:

I've decided to stop "wasting energy" as well - the light is better out here

(BTW - Laura/Ken - when/where is the next fashion show :confused: - are there tickets available?) :vfunny:

We can purchase group rate Airline Tickets for the flight across the Atlantic, with guaranteed seats up front for the show!:biglaugh: Then we can report on our "findings" or "observations" :vfunny: :smokin:

I thought this was cute....maybe an oldie, but it was new to me....

A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West
to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours on the road,
they're too tired to continue and they decide to stop
for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a
room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours
and then get back on the road. When they check out
four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for
$350.
The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is
so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice
hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.
When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate,
the man insists on speaking to the Manager. The
Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains
that the hotel has an Olympic- sized pool and a huge
conference centre that were available for the husband
and wife to use.
"But we didn't use them", the man complains.

"Well, they are here, and you could have," explains
the Manager. He goes on to explain they could have
taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is
famous.
"The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and
Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.

"But we didn't go to any of those shows," complains
the man again.

"Well, we have them, and you could have", the Manager
replies.

No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the
man replies, "But we didn't use it!"

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives
up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it
to the Manager.

The Manager is surprised when he looks at the
check.

"But sir," he says, "this check is only made out
for $100."
"That's right," says the man. "I charged you $250 for
sleeping with my wife."

"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.

"Well," the man replies, "she was here, and you could
have."

Michael,

Being a Londoner I ain't got a scoobie doo (cockney rhyming slang for: clue) wot you're talking about?

Burlap?

As I say, not a scoobie.

BTW: Laura M....wicked jackanory ( cockney rhyming slang for: Story!) Never heard it b4.....

Anyways peeps, it's Friday. POETS day as I would call it, so someone cheer me up and prepare me for the weekend.

You suits, loosen your peckham ryes (ties) and let's have a tin bath (laugh).

I'm wearing my burberry paper bag today with mathing tinted specs!

Laura,

Burlap is a heavy, course material used to make sacks to hold goods such as potatoes.
This stuff is strong enough to hold a hundred lbs (US) of idaho spuds.

And the material could give a rash to a longshoreman.

Cheerio,

James

I thought only Brits said 'spuds'!


I'll try the burlap, you can line it so it doesn't itch!

Originally posted by Laura
Michael,

Being a Londoner I ain't got a scoobie doo (cockney rhyming slang for: clue) wot you're talking about?

Burlap?

As I say, not a scoobie.

BTW: Laura M....wicked jackanory ( cockney rhyming slang for: Story!) Never heard it b4.....

Anyways peeps, it's Friday. POETS day as I would call it, so someone cheer me up and prepare me for the weekend.

You suits, loosen your peckham ryes (ties) and let's have a tin bath (laugh).

I'm wearing my burberry paper bag today with mathing tinted specs!

Laura,

I love it!! Bring on the cockney slang!! What a fun language...

I see that James gave you a definition of burlap. The stuff is pretty brutal.

Okay - laugh for the day... :biglaugh:

Little Leroy came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner. His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted. "Mom, I want a bike for my birthday." Little Leroy was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Leroy's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday. Little Leroy, of course, thought he did. Leroy's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted Leroy to reflect on hisbehavior over the last year.
"Go to your room, Leroy, and think about how you have behaved this year. Then write a letter to God and tell him why you deserve a bike for your birthday."

Little Leroy stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter.

Letter 1
Dear God,
I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one.
Your friend, Leroy

Leroy knew that this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year, so he tore up the letter and started over.

Letter 2
Dear God,
This is your friend Leroy. I have been a good boy this year and I would like a red bike for my birthday. Thank you.
Your friend. Leroy

Leroy knew that this wasn't true either. So, he tore up the letter and started again.

Letter 3
Dear God,
I have been an "OK" boy this year. I still would really like a bike for my birthday.
Leroy

Leroy knew he could not send this letter to God either. So Leroy wrote a fourth letter.

Letter 4
God,
I know I haven't been a good boy this year. I am very sorry. I will be a good boy if you will just send me a bike for my birthday. Please! Thank you,
Leroy

Leroy knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get to God so he told his mom that he wanted to go to church. Leroy's mother thought her plan had worked, as Leroy looked very sad. "Just be home in time for dinner," Leroy's mother told him. Leroy walked down the street to the church on the corner. Little Leroy went into the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone was there. Leroy bent down and picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary. He slipped it under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into the house, and up to his room.

He shut the door to his room and sat down with a pen. Leroy began to write his letter to God.

Letter 5
God,
I'VE GOT YOUR MAMA. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE.
Signed,
YOU KNOW WHO



Have a wonderful Friday!

Cheers!!!

Put a smile on my boat race (face)!:vfunny:

Well it's nearly three, time for a cup of rosy lee (tea) but in my building that means I've gotta go down the apples and pears (stairs) and I'm not sure me plates of meat (feet) could take all that exercise! Good job the rosy's free, b/c I've only got a lady godiva (fiver) and I need that for the bus!



:eek: :eek:

Still, weekend soon which means I can go home and have an Aristotle (bottle) of Pig's ear (beer)! And tomorrow I'll have a Leo Sayer (all dayer) session down the rub a dub (pub)!

Say hello to the trouble and strife (wife) and the dustbin lid (kid) for me.

Christian Slater (Later)!

Laura,

Rozy Lee must be what we call Red Rose, U.S. version is bad, I go to Canada to get my supply. I hear they are coming out again with the wee ceramic animals in each package. (Mom & Dad from Glasgow):bigwave:

By the way, do you have recipe for a good Steak & Kidney? (I like mine with some bangers included with a side of tatties & neep's)

Can't say that I'm a big fan of steak and kidney, although tonight I am having Fish and Hairy Nips (Chips) good old English tradition!
:smokin:

On Sunday I'm cooking Roast Beef and Yorkie pud, on Monday Toad in the 'ole, on Tuesday, Bangers and Mash, on Wednesday and on Thursday a nice bit of Joe Blake (steak) and on Friday a Ruby Murray (curry) with the mother's ruin (gin).

Us Brits have some lovely Tommy Tuckers (suppers) in the winter.

But eating like that all the time can make you look a right two and eight (state).

Incidentally, my ancestors are sweaty socks (scots...I know I don't like that one either)....I'm a Munro.

Our family motto is 'Fear God' apparently!
:rolleyes:

Tutty bye, geez!

Can't say I've ever cooked it b4, but as requested....your recipe.

:bigwave:

Goes down wellwith a Easy Rider (cider)!

One day in the future, Osama bin Laden has a heart attack and dies. He immediately goes to
hell, where the devil is waiting for him. "I don't know what to do here," says the devil.
"You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll
tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as
you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide
who leaves."

Osama thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.

The devil opened the first room; in it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He
kept diving in and surfacing empty handed -- over and over and over.
Such was his fate in hell.

No," bin Laden said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could
do that all day long."

The devil led him to the next room; in it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room
full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.
No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do
was break rocks all day," commented Osama bin Laden.

The devil opened a third door. In it, Osama saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his
arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread eagle pose. Bent over him was
Monica Lewinsky, doing her thing.
Osama bin Laden looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can
handle this."

The devil smiled and said, "OK, Monica, you're free to go."

Prison Vs. Work Debate

IN PRISON...you spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
AT WORK...you spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.

IN PRISON...you get three meals a day.
AT WORK...you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON...you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK...you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

IN PRISON...a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK...you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.

IN PRISON...you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK...you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON...you get your own toilet.
AT WORK...you have to share.

IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK...you cannot even speak to your family and friends.

IN PRISON...all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required
AT WORK...you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON...you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.
AT WORK...you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON...there are wardens who are often sadistic.
AT WORK...they are called managers.

It's official...live from the NFL and CNN...

The Detroit Lions vs the Minnesota Vikings at the annual (ice?) fishing contest. Details are still sketchy but it seems a coin toss will determine which dome gets filled will water and fish for the outing.

Randy Moss will decide at half-time if he will participate...

Stay tuned as events unfold...now back to our regularly scheduled program...Days of our Lives.

If any of you ever get stuck on that interminable ride in Disney... you know the one - Not the Pirates.... here's a little ditty for you to while away the time while the tune drones endlessly into your skull... :bonk:

It's A Real World (After All) by Duck Logic
(parody of It's A Small World (After All)

"C'mon."
"Hey, ouch!" "
Let's do it!"
"Mmmmmm"
"Okay!"

It's a world of acne, a world of germs.
It's your brand new dog coming down with worms.
It's the notes being played
By a cockroach parade,
It's the real world after all.

It's a world of ulcers, a world of cysts.
It's the hole in the road that you never miss.
It's the cheap underwear
Creeping up to your hair,
It's the real world after all.

It's the real world after all,
It's the real world after all,
It's the real world after all,
It's the real world after all.

It's a world of hunger, a world of sin.
It's a million products to keep you thin.
It's machinery exhaust
Causing air to be lost.
It's the real world after all.

It's a world of stark mediocrity,
It's a world of mindless activity.
It's the little white lie
Inside Mom's apple pie,
It's the real world after all.

It's the real world after all,
Cold hard steel world after all,
Slimy eel world after all,
Well, it's the real world after all.

It's a world that's black and a world that's blue,
And you must duck logic to get you through.
It's the sudden attack
Of a knife in your back,
It's the real world after all.

It's the real world after all,
Spinning wheel world after all,
Cold hard steel world after all,
Well, it's the real world after all.

"Yeah!"
"That was great!"
"That was really a lot of fun!"
"I can't breathe."
"I've got blisters on my fingers."


Hope everyone has a great Monday.... :smokin: :biglaugh: :bigwave:

A woman was sick of her husband's drinking, so she
decided to teach him a lesson. She dressed up like
Satan, and when her husband returned home from
another bender, she jumped out from behind the sofa
and screamed.

The man looked her over and calmly said.
"You don't scare me, I married your sister."


:ko: :smokin:

Where do you guys come up with some of this stuff. You crack me up!
I was laughing so hard, the plant manager came in and pulled the plug on my computer:eek: JK
:biglaugh: Then he asked how can he get this website. He wants to send to his friend in Japan that speak english. I guess that would be a referral hehe:ko:

Quality Folks tend to be…a bit different (some might say, Odd)! We have a screw or two loose, but we are otherwise, O.K.

Two atoms are taking a walk.

One atom says to the other "Hey I think I lost an electron."

The second atom says, "Are you sure?"

The first atom responds, "Yes, I'm positive!"

:rolleyes: :rolleyes:

*******************************

Did you get it right away or have to think about it?

:bonk:

Ah, chemistry jokes! I didn't expect to see any of those in here!

Well I'll be darned, there is intelligent life here in the Cove! A step up from our mostly male submitted possum humor.:)

A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the
station when he notices a little girl next door in
a little red wagon with little ladders hung off
the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet and has
the wagon tied to a dog and a cat.
The fire fighter walks over to take a closer look.
"That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter
says with admiration. "Thanks," the girl says.

The fire fighter looks a little closer and notices the
girl has tied the wagon to the dog's collar and to
the cat's testicles.

"Little partner," the fire fighter says, "I don't
want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but
if you were to tie that rope around the cat's
collar, I think you could go faster."

The little girl says, "You're probably right, but
then I wouldn't have a siren.

:ko: :smokin:

Energy,

You had my daughter worried! She walked into my darkened office as I was laughing out loud to myself and there wasn't even a TV or radio on.

She came in with a scared look on her face, saw me, and asked if I was feeling allright. That made me laugh even harder.

You made my day and my daughter is now better after she read the joke!:biglaugh:

Thanks energy,

You've just given me another good fire fighter joke to use. The rescue squad and the fire fighters are always trying to top one another. I know a couple of paramedics that will get a lot of mileage out of this one!

THE BUFFALO/BEER THEORY
The answer to one of life's great mysteries! I haven't heard anyone explain this as well as the all-wise Cliff Clavin, on the sitcom, Cheers.

One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff was explaining the Buffalo/Beer
Theory to his buddy, Norm...

"Well ya see Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move
as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.
This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. "In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the lowest brain cells.

Excessive intake of alcohol, as we all know, kills brain cells,
but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.

In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers." :ko:

Have a good Friday everyone :bigwave:

Subject: Play Golf ??

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a golf club wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally the doctor asks him what happened. "Well, it was like this,"
said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when she
sliced her ball into a pasture of cows.

"We went to look for it and while I was looking around, I noticed one of
the cows had something white at its rear end.

"I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's
golf ball . . . stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt.
That's when I made my mistake."

"What did you do?" asks the doctor.

"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, hey, this looks like yours!'"

:biglaugh: :smokin:

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and
spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can
you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't
know where I am."
The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately
30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude
and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is, technically
correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is
I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything,
you've delayed my trip."
The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going.
You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made
a promise which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath
you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position
you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault. :lick: :bigwave:

That's hysterical.

Good way to start Monday AM.

Cheers,

The other Laura

Just wondering Marc:

"Note: Inactive (no visits in last 3 months) registered users were 'pruned' on 19 January"

Sounds painfull. What exactly happens when someone gets "pruned"? Could it be applied to road kill?

I got pruned a few times in my youth when I had too much Jose Cuervo.:ko:

Here in Iowa we do it to boars. Hope its not the same thing.

The Pruning process can occur in multiple ways

1) forcing a fruit - OR VEGI out into the sun until it shriveles to a mere nibbin & drifts away on the wind -- like sand.

2) keeping grandkids - in the bath too long - after an hour or so they realy get wrinkled (trust me on this one)

3) Yes it can and naturally is applied to Roadkill - If they arent harvested soon enough to apply any number of reciepies to them

4) As Marc could esaily explain - Pruning can also be the normal Fall/Spring trimming back of trees & plants

5) The elimination of Cove register-ees "folks that just show up gain all that knowledge & then don't contribute".. Elimination of posting rights that were freely given is a consequence of non-use.

Version 5 seems to be the process under consideration before the court.


I rest my case:
:confused: :bigwave:

Possum with prune stuffing? 6 unpitted prunes coarsely chopped, 4 White Castle sliders, 1 egg to bind, mix gently by hand and stuff to your hearts content.

When one eats possum is the tail pruned or left intact? I guess that depends if you skin them or not, some people might use the tails to stir the pot o' possum.

What happend to intellectual jokes, poems.....anything besides more roadkill recipes......

:eek: :p

I think Laura M is correct. We should keep this thread for intellectual stuff :truce:

But after reading the replies I know I'm not going near Iowa!

:D

Sounds like a day in the life of a Management Representative called Mama Bear!
-----------------------------------------------------------

It's a sunny morning in the Big Forest, and the Bear family is just waking up. Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table, he looks into his small bowl. It is empty.
Where is my porridge?!!," he squeaks.

Papa Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl, and it is also empty. "Where is my Porridge?," he roars.

Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, "For God's sake, how many times do we have to go through this?

"It was Momma Bear who got up first,
"It was Momma Bear who woke up everyone in the house,
"It was Momma Bear who made the Coffee,
"It was Momma Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night, and put everything away,
"It was Momma Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper,
"It was Momma Bear who set the table,
"It was Momma Bear who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box, and filled the cat's water and food dish,

"And, now that you've decided to drag your asses downstairs and grace Momma Bear's kitchen with your grumpy presence, listen good, cause I'm only going to say this one more time ...

"I HAVEN'T MADE THE DAMN PORRIDGE YET !!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------

A little more intellectual than road kill????

Ouch - that almost too true to be funny! Almost EXACTLY like my morning so far (5 out of 7). Only today it was french toast.

Thanks - that one is getting some mileage.

Laura

http://www.unitedmedia.com/comics/dilbert/

Dilbert really hits home for a good portion of the Cove today. We could replace enngineer with:

Management Representative
ISO/QS Coordinator
Quality Manager
Auditor

etc...:biglaugh:

A three legged dog walks into the saloon in Dodge City. As he walks to the bar, a hush descends and even the piano player turns to watch in trepidation.

The three legged dog climbs up on a bar stool and leans towards the barman.

"Has anyone here seen the man who shot mi paw"

Taken from another forum, as usual for me! I'm from that era so some of the comedians might be unkown to our younger members.
---------------------------------

Star Fragment From the Original Hollywood Squares T.V. Show:

These are jokes from the days when game show responses were spontaneous and not scripted like they are now.

Q: If you're going to make a parachute jump, you should be at least how high?

A: Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q: True or false...a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.

A: George Gobel: Boy it sure seems that way sometimes...

Q: You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?

A: Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q: According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think he's really attractive, is it okay to come out directly and ask him if he's married?

A: Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.

Q: Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?

A: Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q: In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I love you"?

A: Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q: What are "Do It", "I Can Help" and "Can't Get Enough"?

A: George Gobel: I don't know but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q: As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while you are talking?

A: Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing older question, Peter...and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget!

Q: Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?

A: Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q: Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during your first year?

A: Charley Weaver: Of course not, Peter. I'm too busy growing strawberries!

Q: In bowling, what's a perfect score?

A: Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q: It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics. What is the other?

A: Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q: During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?

A: Rose Marie: Unfortunately, Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q: Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?

A: Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q: When you pat a dog on its head he will usually wag his tail. What will a goose do?

A: Paul Lynde: Make him bark.

Q: If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?

A: Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q: According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?

A: Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army!

Q: Is it possible for the puppies in a litter to have more than one daddy?

A: Paul Lynde: Why, that bitch!

Q: While visiting China, your tour guide starts shouting "Poo! Poo! Poo!" What does that mean?

A: George Goebel: Cattle crossing.

Q: It is the most abused and neglected part of your body - what is it?

A: Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it certainly isn't neglected!

Q: Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?

A: George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q: Dennis Weaver, Debbie Reynolds, and Shelley Winters star in the movie "What's The Matter With Helen?" Who plays Helen?

A: Charley Weaver: Dennis Weaver - that's why they asked the question.

Q: Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?

A: Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q: When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for it's sex?

A:Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car. The rest is up to him.

Q: James Stewart did it over twenty years ago when he was forty-one years old. Now he says it was "one of the best things I ever did." What was it?

A: Marty Allen: Rhonda Fleming.

Q: Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?

A: Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q: Do female frogs croak?

A: Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

I received via e-mail today. Just had to pass it on:

Pet Prozac

3 Labrador retrievers (chocolate, yellow and black colored)
are sitting in the waiting room at the vet's office
when they strike up a conversation.

The black lab turns to the chocolate and says, "So why are you here?" He replies, "I'm a pisser. I **** on everything -- the
sofa, the drapes, the cat, the kids. But the final straw
was last night, when I pissed in the middle of my owner's
bed." The black lab says, "So what is the vet going
to do?" "Gonna give me Prozac", came the reply from
the chocolate lab. "All the vets are prescribing it.
It works for everything."

He then turns to the yellowlab and asks, "Why are you here?" The yellow lab says,"I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside,
I dig up the carpets. But I crossed the line last night
when I dug a great big hole in my owner's couch." "So
what are they going to do to you?" the black lab inquired.
"Looks like Prozac for me too", the dejected yellow
lab said.

The yellow lab then turns to the black lab
and asks what he's at the vet's office for. "I'm a humper",
the black lab says. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the
cat, a pillow, the table, fire hydrants, whatever. I
want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had
just gotten out of the shower and was bending down to
dry her toes and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped
on her back and started humping away." The yellow and
chocolate labs exchange a sad glance and say, "So, Prozac
for you too, huh?"

The black lab says, "No, I'm here to get my nails clipped."

:biglaugh: :biglaugh:

NRG,

Naughty but nice....just like you.

Lau.

Our server was down all day. Well, the flood gates opened up and as I wipe the tears from eyes, here's the best one I received today:

A man is in his back yard trying to fly a kite. He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds then it comes crashing back down.

He tries this a few more times. All the while his wife is watching from the kitchen window. Muttering to herself, about how men need to be told how to do everything, she opens the window and yells to her husband, "You need more tail."

The man turns with a confused look on his face and says, "Make up your mind.

Last night you told me to go fly a kite!"



:biglaugh: :vfunny: :smokin:

Energy, where do you get all the jokes from all the time. I have been reading and copying them for others to read. Keep them up.

I know that most government workers are dedicated , loyal and concerned but since I'm just starting to prepare taxes, this one is closer to my immediate impressions. :ko:


Scrap Yard
>
>Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Congress said "someone may steal from it at night". So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job.
>
>Then Congress said, "how does the watchman do his job without instruction?" So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies.
>
>Then Congress said, "how will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?" So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people. One to do the studies and one to write the reports.
>
>Then Congress said, "how are these people going to get paid?" So they created the following positions, a time keeper, and a payroll officer,then hired two people.
>
>Then Congress said, "who will be accountable for all of these people?" So they created an administrative section and hired three people, an Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary.
>
>Then Congress said, "we have had this command in operation for one year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost."

So they laid off the night watchman.
>


I think Mark Twain said "There are liars. damn liars, statisticians and then you have Congress!"

Originally posted by dbulak
Energy, where do you get all the jokes from all the time. I have been reading and copying them for others to read. Keep them up.

dbulak,

I get a good deal of e-mail from acquaintances that have the same sick sense of humor I have. When I get something that makes me chuckle, I clean it up :vfunny: and post it. Trust me, they are crude-I just make them rude. I also figure we are all grownups here, some not as much as others, so I try not to be too offensive. Marc will ensure that I keep them PG if my rating system should malfunction. Also, members can always send me a Private e-mail if they have serious objections. Doesn't mean I'll listen, though! :lick: Only kidding. I'm posting and I can always delete my own posts. I'll keep them coming.

This is the latest nominee for the 2001 DUMBASS awards, which will be given out in 2002.

A guy left home for work on Sept. 11 at about 6 am to go to his office in the World Trade Center (93rd floor). When he got to Manhattan, he decided instead to spend the morning at his girlfriend's apartment in the Village. Upon his arrival to her house, he turned off the phones, TV & radio and spent the entire morning in bed, just passing time

At about 11:00 am, while still at her place, he turned his cell phone back on to retrieve his messages. A second later it rang. His wife who was on the phone screaming at him, "Where in the hell are you? I've been trying to call you for over two hours, I've been worried sick about you! Are you OK!!?" He unknowingly answered, "Where in the hell do you think I am? I'm in my office!"

Gotta love those Patriots!:ko: :smokin:

Signs you don't have enough to do at work.

1) You've already read the entire page-a-day Dilbert calender for 2002.
2) People come to your office only to borrow pencils from your ceiling.
3) You discover that staring at your cubicle walls long enough produces images of Elvis.
4) The Fourth Division of Paperclips has overrun the Pushpin Infantry, and General Whitout has called for reinforcements.

Can we add any more?

James

5.) You've reorganized your highlighters 3 times, trying to put them in the order of the colors of the rainbow.
6.) You're reading archived emails, looking for old jokes.

7) You spend the best part of your day scanning the posts in this Forum !!

-You’ve gone through 25 screensavers and can’t find one you like.
-Design a database to log your office effects.
-Log on to the paper airplane design website, then print the designs.
-Resort your collection of business cards.
-Set up another meeting to discuss the overuse of office supplies.
-Play solitaire, and not on the computer.
-Clean the desk behind your monitor.
-Remove the keys on your keyboard to see what’s under them.
-Run your defrag program at 9:00 AM.
-Replace your Office icons on your desktop with links to discussion forums.
-Send a 50 meg file to the shared printer then sit in your cube -and giggle as the line of co-workers forms in front of the printer.
-Scramble to cancel the print job when you see the boss in line.
-You reply to this thread.

Rules of Being a Guy

Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.

Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
a. When a heroic dog dies to save it's master
b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse
c. After wrecking your boss' Ferrari
d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into The Crying Game

Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

Acceptable excuse for not helping a friend move: Your legs have been severed in a freak threshing accident.

If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.

The minimum amount of time you have to wait for a guy who's running late is 5 minutes. Maximum.

Complaining about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. Gripe at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. (in fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional).

When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

It is permissible to quaff a fruity chick drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach....and it's delivered by a topless supermodel...and it's free.

Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem---you didn't see nothin'.

Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.

You must offer heartfelt and public condolences over the death of a girlfriend's cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire and threw it into a ceiling fan.

Never join your girlfriend or wife in dissing a buddy of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

You cannot rat out a coworker who shows up at work with a massive hangover. You may however, hide the aspirin, smear his chair with limburger cheese, turn the brightness dial all the way down so he thinks his monitor is broken, and have him paged over the loudspeaker every seven minutes.

Finally...Always split aces and eights. No arguments!

A guy was invited to a bachelor party, but his wife didn't want him to go. "Last time you went to a stag night you got so drunk that you puked all over yourself, ruining a new suit," she said.
"I promise that I'll behave myself," he said, and begged and begged until finally she gave in.

So he went along to the party and ordered a coke to do the right thing. Next, he had a couple of light beers, still trying to make sure that he did't overdo it. After that, he started drinking shots; by 10:30PM, he was starting to get really sloshed.

"My wife will kill me if I end up blind drunk. Last time, I ruined a new suit by vomitting all over myself," he told a friend.

"No worries," sayid his buddy. "What you do is put $20 in the back of your wallet and, if you end up throwing up on your suit, you give the wife the $20 when you get home and tell her that someone else vomited all over you and gave you $20 for the dry cleaning."

So the guy thought that was a great idea and started really getting into the booze. By 2:00AM, he was faced. He had barfed all over himself as his wife had predicted he would.

He headed home and his wife greeted him at the door. "Right, that's it! I've had enough of you, I'm leaving," his wife said.

"No, no you've got it all wrong!" said the drunk guy, "I didn't do this! Someone else was so drunk that he threw up all over me, but he gave me $20 to pay for the dry cleaning," he said as he handed over the money to his wife.

"If he gave you $20, how come you're giving me $40?" asked the wife.

The other $20 is from the guy who pooped in my pants!

Ken, that was a good one. It will be passed on to others.

Old farmer Hunsley and his wife were listening to the faith healer on the radio: "All you people in radioland, with God's help I want to heal you-- put one hand on the radio and one hand on the part that needs healing, & get ready." The old lady put one hand on the radio and her other on her heart. Hunsley put one hand on the radio and the other on his tired old tool. When Mrs. Hunsley saw this she said, " No Elmer--he said heal the sick, not raise the dead!"

How to know when you drink too much coffee:

-Juan Valdez names his donkey after you.
-You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.
-You grind your coffee beans with your teeth.
-You sleep with your eyes open.
You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
-You lick your coffeepot clean.
-Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
-The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
-You can type sixty words a minutewith your feet.
-You can jump-start your car without cables.
-Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low".
-You don't sweat, you percolate.
-You've worn out the handle on your favorite coffee mug.
-You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
-You've worn the finish off your coffee table.
-Starbuck's owns the mortgage on your house.
-Your lifes goal is to amount to a hill of beans.
-Instant coffee takes too long.
-You want to be cremated just so you can spend eternity in coffee can.
-You name your cats "cream" and "sugar'.
-Your lips are permantly stuck in a sipping position.
-Your first aid kit contains two pints of coffee and an I.V. hookup.
-You remember the last time you slept. ---- October 9th, 1986.
-You know over 400 uses for coffee grounds.
-You decided to cut out the middleman and grow your own beans.
-You get Christmas cards from the leaders of six coffee-producing nations.

:biglaugh: :biglaugh: :eek: :eek: :thedeal: :thedeal:

Subject: Good Come Back Line

A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial -- it went like this:

Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.

Q. Officer, who provided this description?
A. The officer who responded to the scene.

Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?
A. Yes sir, with my life.

Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer -- do you have a locker room in the police station -- a room where you change your clothes in preparation for you daily duties?
A. Yes sir, we do.

Q. And do you have a locker in that room?
A. Yes sir, I do.

Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?
A. Yes sir.

Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers?
A. You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.

With that, the courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's "Best comeback" line and we think he'll win.

:biglaugh:

I like it, Randy. To add to the courtroom humor, these are 30 things people actually said in court, word for word. I especially like the last one.

1. Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
2. Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
3. Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
4. Q: How old is your son, the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
5. Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
6. Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
7. Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
8. Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.
9. Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
10. Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?
11. Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
12. Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
13. Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
14. Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?
15. Q: Did he kill you?
16. Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?
17. Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?
18. Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
19. Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
20. Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
21. Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
22. Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: I went to Europe, Sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?
23. Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
24. Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
25. Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
26. Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
27. Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
28. Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
29. Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
30. Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

A woman awakes during the night to find that her
husband is not in bed. She puts on her robe and
goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him
sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee
in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought,
just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes
a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
“What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she
steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this
time of night?". The husband looks up from his
coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were
dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.
“Yes I do" she replies. The husband pauses. The
words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when
your father caught us in the back seat of my car
making love?" "Yes, I remember" says the wife,
lowering herself into a chair beside him. The
husband continues. "Do you remember when he shoved
the shotgun in my face and said, either you marry
my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?"

“I remember that too" she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says,

"I would have gotten out today".
:biglaugh: :ko: :smokin:

There was an old man in the deep south who used to sit on his front porch from daybreak till dusk every day, until something special happened...
Well one day a young boy walks past his porch carrying a big roll of Duck Tape, and the old man hollers out, "Hey boy, wheres you go'n wit dat roll a tape?".

The boy turns back and says, "I's gonna ketch me sum Ducks wit dis Duck tape!"

The old man can't help himself, and blurts out, "You fool boy! Do'n you know you aint gonna ketch no Ducks wit dat tape!"

But the boy ran off any way, and later that night, he came marching proudly by the old man's porch with half a dozen ducks stuck to a long piece of that Duck tape.

Well next morning came, and the old man was right where he always was at that time, sitting on that porch.

Along comes the boy, but today he has a roll of Chicken Wire under his arm.

"Hey boy! What you's fixn ta do wit that there Chicken Wire ya'lls got under ya arm?", said the old man. "Gonna ketch me sum Chickens wit it." the boy answered back.

"Oh you is one dumb fool you is, if you's think'n to do dat wit dat Chicken wire." "Doesn't ya'll know dat Chicken Wire is for keep'n, an not cetchen da Chickens?" said the old man, but off went the young boy completly undaunted by the old mans jibes.

That evening, what else, but up the road walks the young boy feeling bigger than life, with ten or twelve Chickens caught in that roll of Chicken wire.

So, the next morning rolls around and there he is, that old man sitting on that same porch he's been sitting on for the last twenty years, when he catches a glimpse of that young boy coming up the road carrying what looks to be a long branch from a tree or bush.

"What you got wit ya'll today boy!" he said to the boy. "I got me this branch." the boy answered back.

"Well I kin see that. What kind a branch is it boy?".

"Fussy-Willow." said the boy. "Hold on while I git my hat!" said the old man.

And that is how the old man finally got up off his porch.

My first time in the humor pool ... I got this in the e-mail grapevine a week or so ago. It is supposed to be a true story ... maybe you folks up in MI can verify it?


QUOTE:
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any....

We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked:

"So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"

Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

Beer

You have to hope that this study is flawed, but the evidence seems irrefutable. Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada suggested that the results of a recent study strongly suggests the presence of female hormones in beer, and further suggests that men should take a look at their beer consumption. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women.

To test the theory, 100 men were each fed 8 pints of beer within a one-hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, 80% talked excessively without making sense, 50% became overly emotional, 60% couldn't drive, 75% failed to think rationally, 50% argued over nothing, 20% had to sit down while urinating; the other 80% should have, 60% couldn't perform sexually, and 90% refused to apologize when wrong.

No further testing is planned.

:ko: :smokin:

A woman takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work.
Unbeknownst to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet.
Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she puts the lover in the closet with the little boy.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$250."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy: "$750."
Man: "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball back and forth."
The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The son says "$1,000."
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that.
That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that crap again"



:ko: :smokin:

THE VALUE OF UNDIES:

From the NORTHWEST FLORIDA Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place...

On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by.


The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his head.

One of the city's top cardiac specialists died. At his
funeral the coffin was placed in front of a huge
mockup of a heart made up of red flowers.

When the pastor finished with his sermon, and after
everyone said their good-byes, the large heart opened.
The coffin rolled inside and the heart closed again.

At that moment, one of the mourners burst into a fit
of laughter.

Irritated by his insensitivity, the guy next to him
asked, "Why are you laughing, Buddy?"

"I was just thinking about my own funeral," the man
replied. "I'm a gynecologist".

Mitch, a hard-shell Southern Baptist, loved to sneak away to the race track.
One day he was there betting on the ponies and losing his shirt when he
noticed a priest step out onto the track and bless the forehead of one of
the horses lining up for the 4th race. Lo and behold, this horse -- a very
long shot -- won the race. Mitch was most interested to see what the priest
did the next race. Sure enough, he watched the priest step out onto the
track as the horses for the fifth race lined up, and placed a blessing on
the forehead of one of the horses. Mitch made a beeline for the window and
placed a small bet on the horse.

Again, even though another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won
the race. Mitch collected his winning and anxiously waited to see which
horse the priest bestowed his blessing on for the 6th race.
The priest showed, blessed a horse, Mitch bet on it, and it won! Mitch was
elated!

As the day went on, the priest continued blessing one of the horses, and it
always came in first. Mitch began to pull in some serious money, and by the
last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a
quick stop at the ATM, withdrew big money and awaited the priest's blessing
that would tell him which horse to bet on.

True to his pattern, the priest stepped out onto the track before the last
race and blessed the forehead, eyes, ears and hooves of one of the horses.

Mitchell bet every cent, and watched the horse come in dead last.
Mitchell was dumbfounded. He made his way to the track and when he found the
priest, he demanded, "What happened, Father? All day you blessed horses and
they won. The last race, you blessed a horse and he lost. Now I've lost my
savings, thanks to you!!"

The priest nodded wisely and said, "That's the problem with you
Protestants... you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and
the Last Rites."

Gung hay fat choy everybody!

and laisse les bon temps roule !!!!

That's very kind of you Lucinda...:confused:



here's the same right back at ya! :D

Happy Marti Gras to all.... ya gotta love Fat Tuesday!!! Makes one miss good ol' Nawleans. :biglaugh:

After getting nailed by a Daisy Cutter, Osama made his way to the
pearly gates. There, he is greeted by George Washington. "How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!" yells Mr. Washington, slapping Osama in the face.

Patrick Henry comes up from behind. "You wanted to end the Americans' liberty, so they gave you death!" Henry punches Osama on the nose.

James Madison comes up next, and says "This is why I allowed the Federal government to provide for the common defense!" He drops a large weight on Osama's knee.

Osama is subject to similar beatings from John Randolph of Roanoke, James Monroe, and 66 other people who have the same love for liberty and America.

As he writhes on the ground, Thomas Jefferson picks him up and hurls him back toward the gate where he is to be judged. As Osama awaits his journey to his final very hot destination, he screams "This is not what I was promised!"

An angel replies, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting
for you. What did you think I said?":eek:

Little David comes home from first grade and tells his father
that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day.
"Since Valentine's day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish,"
he asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?"
David's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God would get mad.

Who do you want to give a valentine to?"

"Osama Bin Laden," David says.

"Why Osama Bin Laden," his father asks in shock.

"Well," David says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish boy
could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit.

And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."

His father's heart swells and he looks at his boy with newfound
pride. "David, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."

"I know," David says, "and once that gets him out in the open,
the Marines could blow the sh** out of him."

“OLD” IS WHEN..….Your sweetie says, “Let’s go upstairs and make love,” and you answer, “Honey, I can’t do both.”

“OLD” IS WHEN…..Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes - and your barefoot.

“OLD” IS WHEN……A sexy babe catches your eye and your pacemaker opens the garage door to all the houses on your block.

“OLD” IS WHEN……Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

“OLD” IS WHEN……You don’t care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don’t have to go along.

“OLD” IS WHEN……You are cautioned to slow down by your doctor and not the police.

“OLD” IS WHEN……”Getting a little action” means you don’t need your fiber today.

“OLD” IS WHEN……”Getting lucky” means finding your car in the parking lot.

“OLD” IS WHEN……An “all nighter” means not getting up to pee.

“OLD” IS WHEN……You bend down to trim your toenails and find yourself wondering if there is anything else you can do as long as your down there.

“OLD” IS WHEN……Your doctor tells you that you should start thinking about “the Hereafter.” And you tell him, “I do all the time. Why just the other day I went to the garage and thought, What the hell am I here after?”

“OLD” IS WHEN……You plan on a day of fishing only to find out when you pull up to the launch ramp of your favorite lake that you forgot the boat.

Energy,

What did you do to my wedding picture?!?!?!?!

For $85.00 I expected you to meet my "goal" of at least taking the scars out! This guy looks like he played hockey for a few years without a mask!

What is your contingency plan? As stated in your contract review it calls for customer satisfaction or "no charge". I want my Euros back!!!! :bigwave:

Originally posted by Al Dyer
Energy,

What did you do to my wedding picture?!?!?!?!

For $85.00 I expected you to meet my "goal" of at least taking the scars out! This guy looks like he played hockey for a few years without a mask!

What is your contingency plan? As stated in your contract review it calls for customer satisfaction or "no charge". I want my Euros back!!!! :bigwave:

Al D.

You didn't tell me you wanted the "airbrush" put to it. But, you sure are an ugly MOFO! :biglaugh: :ko: :smokin:

Energy,

Geeeeeez, you could have taken a paint roller to make me look better! Now I look like my first girlfriend and will have to grow my beard back.

Considering the economy, 2 Euros will do fine, unless you want Brazilian dollars or hair plugs:cool:

IRISH TOAST MASTERS CLUB

John O' Riley was a member of an Irish Toast Masters Club. One evening at the local Irish Toast Masters meeting, a contest was held to see who could deliver the best toast.

Well, John O' Riley won the contest for the best toast of the evening:

"Here's to the best years o' me life, spent between the legs o' me wife."

When John O' Riley arrived home, his beautiful wife asked him how the Toast Masters meeting went, and he said, "I won the contest for the best toast of the evening."

His wife then asked him what his toast was, and he said, "Here's to the best years o' me life, spent in Church wi' me wife."

His wife then said, "Why John, that's so nice of you to include me in your toast."

The next morning, Mrs. O' Riley was downtown shopping and ran into the local policeman, who was also at the Toast Masters meeting with her husband.

He said, "Hello Mrs. O' Riley, that was some great toast that your husband gave at the Toast Masters meeting last evening. He won first prize."

"Yes, that's right," said Mrs. O' Riley, "but he wasn't quite honest with the facts; he's only been there twice, the first time he fell asleep and the second time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."
:ko: :smokin:

Three old women were sitting side by side in their retirement home, reminiscing about the good old days. After discussing many different topics, the first woman recalled shopping at the grocers, and demonstrated with her hands the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for 25 cents. The second woman nodded, then demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for only 20 cents a piece.
Finally, the third woman, very hard of hearing, chimed in : "Maybe I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about very well."

1 My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE: "If you're going to Kill each other, do it outside - I just finished cleaning!"

2 My mother taught me RELIGION: You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3 My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL: "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4 My mother taught me LOGIC: "Because I said so, that's why."

5 My Mother taught me more LOGIC: "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT: "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case
you're in an accident"
7 My mother taught me IRONY: "Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about."

8 My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS: "Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"

9 My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM: "Will you "look" at the dirt on the back of your neck!"

10 My mother taught me about STAMINA: "You'll sit there 'till all that spinach is finished."

11 My mother taught me about WEATHER: "It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."

12 My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS: "If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you, would you listen THEN?"

13 My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY: "If I've told you once, I've told you a million times--Don't Exaggerate!!!"

14 My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE: "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

15 My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION: "Stop acting like your father!"

16 My mother taught me about ENVY! "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"

17 My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION: "Just wait until we get home."

18 My Mother taught me about RECEIVING: "You are going to get it when we get home!"

19 My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE: "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

20 My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD: "If you don't pass your spelling test you'll never get a good job."

21 My Mother taught me ESP: "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you're cold?"

22 My Mother taught me HUMOR: "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

23 My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT: "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

24 My Mother taught me about GENETICS: "You're just like your father.

25 My Mother taught me about my ROOTS: "Do you think you were born in a barn?"

26 My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE: When you get to be my age will under stand."


JAMES

I guess all of us quality types have to thank our mothers for teaching us about root cause analysis too...

"Why, oh why, oh why, did you do that?"

Thanks for sharing this, I've seen it before and it is still as funny as the first time!

I am so confused.....I go away for a few days, come back and I find energy has been transformed into Brad. Maybe if I go away again, I'll come back as ?????????

LMSAO

CarolX

Carol

Too many people have been disparaging remarks about my physical appearance. Like, they don't have any mirrors in their houses. I ask you, if we have descended from monkeys and apes, as some say, why are they still here?
:biglaugh: :ko: :smokin:

Originally posted by SteelMaiden
I guess all of us quality types have to thank our mothers for teaching us about root cause analysis too...

"Why, oh why, oh why, did you do that?"

Thanks for sharing this, I've seen it before and it is still as funny as the first time!



Steel Maiden,
Yes It's been around awhile. but it seems to grow each time.

I like your addition, but shouldn't it be 5 whys to get to root cause?

Mothers also teach us benchmarking:
Why cant you be more like (insert; brother,sister):bonk:

James

Well you know mothers, the first three become 4 more once you are insane enough to answer the first group. A typical answer for the question would have been "I dunno" She would have responded "Why don't you know? and Why don't you speak up and quit your mumbling?" That in itself made 5, and we are only just getting started.:biglaugh:

God Bless Mothers!

Originally posted by CarolX
I am so confused.....I go away for a few days, come back and I find energy has been transformed into Brad. Maybe if I go away again, I'll come back as Cameron Diaz!

LMSAO

CarolX

I have to go lay down now!:vfunny: :ko: :smokin:

(Just a note---my applogies for any blonds out there)

energy.....look what happened.....i'm blond now

what's a girl to do?????

LOL

CarolX

Originally posted by CarolX
(Just a note---my applogies for any blonds out there)

energy.....look what happened.....i'm blond now

what's a girl to do?????

LOL

CarolX

DAAAAAMMMMNNNNN, Girl! Now that's Quality!:vfunny:

:ko: :smokin:

Blondes again



A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some
rectum deodorant.
The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman they
don't sell rectum deodorant, and never have.
Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been
buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would
like some more.
"I'm sorry", says the pharmacist, "we don't have any."
"But I always get it here," says the blonde.
"Do you have the container it comes in?" asks the pharmacist
"YES!", said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it."
She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who
looks at it and says to her,
"This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."
Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out
loud from the container,

"TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM."

Sent to me by a friend:GUARANTEED TO MAKE YOU SMILE.....
ESPECIALLY SINCE IT'S A TRUE STORY.


ON JULY 20, 1969, AS COMMANDER OF THE APOLLO 11 LUNAR MODULE,
NEIL ARMSTRONG WAS THE FIRST PERSON TO SET FOOT ON THE MOON.

HIS FIRST WORDS AFTER STEPPING ON THE MOON, "THAT'S ONE SMALL
STEP FOR MAN, ONE GIANT
LEAP FOR MANKIND," WERE TELEVISED TO EARTH AND HEARD BY
MILLIONS.

BUT JUST BEFORE HE REENTERED THE LANDER, HE MADE THE ENIGMATIC
REMARK "GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY."

MANY PEOPLE AT NASA THOUGH IT WAS A CASUAL REMARK CONCERNING SOME RIVAL SOVIET COSMONAUT.
HOWEVER, UPON CHECKING, THERE WAS NO GORSKY IN EITHER THE RUSSIAN OR AMERICAN SPACE PROGRAMS.

OVER THE YEARS MANY PEOPLE QUESTIONED ARMSTRONG AS TO WHAT THE "GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY" STATEMENT MEANT, BUT ARMSTRONG ALWAYS JUST SMILED. ON JULY 5, 1995, IN TAMPA BAY, FLORIDA, WHILE ANSWERING QUESTIONS FOLLOWING A SPEECH, A REPORTER
BROUGHT UP THE 26-YEAR-OLD QUESTION TO ARMSTRONG. THIS TIME HE FINALLY RESPONDED. MR. GORSKY HAD DIED, SO NEIL ARMSTRONG FELT HE COULD ANSWER THE QUESTION.

IN 1938 WHEN HE WAS A KID IN A SMALL MIDWEST TOWN, HE WAS
PLAYING BASEBALL WITH A FRIEND IN THE BACK YARD. HIS FRIEND HIT THE
BALL, WHICH LANDED IN HIS NEIGHBOR'S YARD BY THE BEDROOM WINDOWS.

HIS NEIGHBORS WERE MR. AND MRS. GORSKY. AS HE LEANED DOWN TO
PICK UP THE BALL, YOUNG ARMSTRONG HEARD MRS. GORSKY SHOUTING AT MR. GORSKY.

"SEX! YOU WANT SEX?! YOU'LL GET SEX WHEN THE KID NEXT DOOR WALKS
ON THE MOON!"

TRUE STORY.

Today, Wednesday, 20 February 2002, will be a historic moment in time. When the 24 hour clock ticks on 20:02hr. on Wednesday, 20 February 2002, the time, day, month, and year will read in perfect symmetry 2002, 2002, 2002.

To be more precise - 20:02, 20/02. 2002.

A symmetrical pattern has only happened once in the past, a little over a thousand years ago. The exact moment was 10:01 a.m. on 10 January 1001.
This balanced pattern will never happen again. You think?

I didn't want to break the continuity of the recent postings, but rather then start a new one, I put it here. Sorry.

Back to the regular program. I'm enjoying all the youthful banter!

:ko: :smokin:

Once I was in a movie theater with a date of mine. I suppose I was around 17-18 years old at the time. We had the fortune/misfortune of sitting behind an elderly couple. The old man was a little hard of hearing, so occasionally he would turn to his wife and ask what was said. The wife would oblige and the two would resume watching the movie.

I don’t recall what the title of the movie, but in it was a scene where one character was telling the story of how he got lucky. Well, about this time, the old man became confused, turned to his wife and asked what he said. The wife leaned over, only this time she was a bit more discrete in trying to explain the situation and what was said. The old man grew agitated and asked her to speak up. She turned to him and said, “GOT LAID! GOT LAID! THE BOY GOT LAID!!” The entire theater erupted into laughter as the old couple quietly exited.

Kevin,

Your theater story reminded me of a few incidents when I used to be an Usher in a theater, after school. Remember them? We would guide customers down the aisles with flashlights to their seats. My night vision was akin to an owl’s. I saw some things that do not need mentioning here. The worst was an elderly couple. They were in their 60’s +, easy. I had to remind them that they were not alone in the theater. Actually, I had to shine the flashlight in their direction to get their attention because they were oblivious to my presence. Talk about concentration. They were like high school sweethearts. Yea right! I was only 16-17 and had seen something similar to that at the Catskill Game Farm!


:ko: :smokin:

http://www.cnn.com/2002/TECH/space/02/21/olympics.aliens.reut/index.html

CNN Tabloid?

It was the first day of school and the teacher and the students were getting acquainted.
The teacher asked if they knew how they came into the world.
Little Johnny sat there and enthusiastically waved his hand in the air.
The teacher called on Laura and she said the stork delivered her to the front door.
Little Johnny almost leapt up and down waiting to be called on.
Little Ted said he came as a present under the Christmas tree.
The teacher couldn’t help but finally call on little Johnny.
“I went to the prom with my parents when they were in high school” he said.
The teacher looked at him and said, “now Johnny, that’s impossible. Your parents were not even married yet.”

But it is true said Johnny. “I left home with my daddy and I went home with my mother later that night.”
:smokin:

A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in front of him. When class began, ordlessly he picked up a large empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks right to the top, rocks about 2" in diameter. He then asked the students if the jar was full? They agreed that it was. So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them in
to the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles,of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. The students laughed. He asked his students
again if the jar was full? They agreed that yes, it was. Theprofessor then picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up every-thing else. "Now," said the professor, "I want you to recognize that this is your life. The rocks are the important things - your family, your partner, your health, your children - anything that is so important to you that if it were lost, you would be nearly destroyed. The pebbles are the other things in life that matter, but on a smaller
scale. The pebbles represent things like your job, house, or car. The sand is everything else, the small stuff." "If you put the sand or the pebbles into the jar first, there is no room for the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your energy and time on the small stuff, material things, you will never have room for the things that are truly most important."

But then, A student took the jar which the other students and the professor agreed was full, and proceeded to pour in a glass of beer.

Of course, the beer filled the remaining spaces within the jar making the jar truly full. Which proves: that no matter how full your life is, there is always room for a beer

I love that twist on an old story

'tis poets day, guys and gals....and boy am I relieved that it's arrived!

Lau.

That story about Neil Armstrong reminded me about another one concerning the space programme:

As we all know the U.S. space programme had a shaky start with rockets and things blowing up all over the place. Ever heard how a U.S. engineer taught his son how to count in those days?

.......10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, Oh..... s##t!

I expect I'll earn some swedish jokes for that? Bring'em on, I can take it... :D


/Claes

Bumper Stickers for the 50 states.

Alabama: Hell Yes, We Have Electricity

Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!

Arizona: But It's A Dry Heat

Arkansas: Literacy Ain't Everything

California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda

Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother

Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedy's Don't Own It -- Yet

Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water

Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids

Georgia: We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism

Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru Death To Mainland Scum (But Leave Your Money)

Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes ... Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good

Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"

Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free

Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn

Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States

Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names

Louisiana: We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign

Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster

Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It

Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)

Michigan: First Line Of Defense >From The Canadians

Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes... And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes

Mississippi: Come And Feel Better About Your Own State

Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work

Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-wing Crazies, And Very Little Else

Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest

Nevada: Hookers and Poker!

New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone

New Jersey: You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!

New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent pets

New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An Attorney ...

North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable

North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States!

Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan

Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing

Oregon: Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner

Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal

Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island

South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender

South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota

Tennessee: The Educashun State

Texas: Si' Hablo Ing'les (Yes, I Speak English)

Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus

Vermont: Yep

Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?

Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds And Slackers!

Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?

West Virginia: One Big Happy Family... Really!

Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese

Wyoming: Where Men Are Men . . . and the sheep are scared!

Could have been an auditor calling his client to report that he was running late for their surveillance audit! Copped a break.

:ko: :smokin:

:mad: These auditor jokes are going to make me go off the deep end:bonk:

Originally posted by Randy
:mad: These auditor jokes are going to make me go off the deep end:bonk:

One more at least....Mirror, Mirror

A Quality engineer, Quality Manager, and an Auditor went to a fitness spa for some fun and relaxation. After a stimulating healthy lunch, all three decided to visit the exercise room and found a strange-looking dude sitting at the entrance who said, "Welcome to the Exercise Room. Be sure to check out our newest feature: a mirror which, if you look into it and say something truthful, you will be awarded with a wish. But, be warned, for if you say something false, you will be sucked into the mirror to live in a void of nothingness for all eternity!"

The three people quickly entered and upon finding the mirror, the Quality Engineer said, "I think I'm the most intelligent of us three," and in an instant he was surrounded by a pile of money.

The Quality Manager stepped up and said, "I think I'm the most talented of us three," and he suddenly found the keys to a brand new Lexus in his hands.

Excited over the possibility of having a wish come true, the Auditor looked into the mirror and said,

"I think..." and was promptly sucked into the mirror.


:bonk: :ko: :smokin:

ACTUAL CLASSIFIED ADS:

FREE PUPPIES:
1/2 COCKER SPANIEL
1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR'S DOG

FREE PUPPIES...
PART GERMAN SHEPHERD, PART STUPID DOG

NORDIC TRACK $300
HARDLY USED, CALL CHUBBY

HUMMERS - LARGEST SELECTION EVER -
"IF IT'S IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT!"

1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB -- $850/offer

SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE...
ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS.

GEORGIA PEACHES
CALIFORNIA GROWN - 89 cents lb.

NICE PARACHUTE:
NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE

TIRED OF WORKING FOR ONLY $9.75 PER HOUR?
WE OFFER PROFIT SHARING AND
FLEXIBLE HOURS. STARTING PAY:
$7 -- $9 PER HOUR.

EXERCISE EQUIPMENT:
QUEEN SIZE MATTRESS & BOX SPRINGS - $175.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
MUST SELL WASHER & DRYER $300.

OPEN HOUSE
BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON
FREE COFFEE & DONUTS

FOR SALE BY OWNER
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes.
Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer. No
longer needed. Got married last weekend (Wife knows everything)

This one is old so you may have heard it alreeady, but here goes:

Auditors are like seagulls because:

They turn up in the morning and
eat your food
make a lot of noice for no apparent reason,
poop all over the place,
leave late in the evening to let you mop up the shambles...
( Yes, I'm an auditor too:p )

/Claes

I had one auditor actually request (specify?) what type and how many donuts were expected. Every time this guy went to the floor I had to dig for change and buy coffee or pop. Cost of business I guess. Although a couple of the management staff suggested methods of inputting additives to the donuts before the auditor arrived in the morning!

That was just one auditor, most I have worked with are pretty good and a couple a pleasure to work with. Although I have found that the older the auditor the more leeway/understanding (within limits) there is. Maybe the younger ones think they have something to prove and can be somewhat cockey and bullheaded.

Subject: Poor Keith


A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted
a large beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage
that said $50.00. "Why so little?"..
she asked the pet store owner.


The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should
tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of
prostitution, and sometimes it
says some pretty vulgar stuff."


The woman thought about this, but decided she had
to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the
bird's cage up in her living room
and waited for it to say something.


The bird looked around the room, then at her, and
said, "New house, new madam."
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but
then thought.. "that's not so bad."



When her two teenage daughters returned from school
the bird saw them and said,
"New house, new madam, new girls."


The girls and the woman were a bit offended but
then began to laugh about the situation.
Moments later, the woman's husband,
Keith, came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said, "Hi Keith."

Ummmm.......he met the bird at the pet shop?:mad: :eek: :( :o

I hope noone gets upset about the following sight and hope you don't scare easy!

Click on attached website below and test your wits against the computer.
Look at the picture and see if you can find the problem. It may take a
minute or so. You'll get a voice message clue if you don't find in a minute
or so. Time yourself.

Thanks alot Jamie!:ko: I now have to go home. :vfunny: :vfunny:

I warned you! :biglaugh: I said I hope you didn't scare easy. One of my co-workers spilled her bowl of cereal all over her desk! We got a big laugh out of it!:biglaugh: :biglaugh: :vfunny: I thought it might be a good way to wake some people up.

Jamie:bigwave:

Jamie - You're nasty!!!!! :vfunny:

Anyone have a change of undies I can borrow? :D :bonk:

Jamie,

I experienced a near seizure!:vfunny: A burst of fright, a hot flash, slight perspiration, rapid heartbeat and shame. Shame because I'm such a puss!:ko: :smokin:

I'm wicked... :vfunny:

I've been having the best time with that site...

"Hey Johnny... ya gotta see this!!! Look really carefully and tell me what's wrong with this picture. Look hard now... "

Thanks Jamie!!! You've made a relatively dull Thursday a bit more enjoyable!!
:vfunny: :biglaugh: :smokin:

I'm glad to see you all enjoyed it! :bigwave: I had to sent it to just about everyone in my address book!

Jamie

...the curtains are missing. The person with the laptop probably needed them to clean up!! Toga toga toga.....

I have worked on the plant floor for way too long, I didn't even flinch. Scared the $#!% out of two co-workers tho! What fun!:eek:

Guess I'm just a tad dense:bonk: I kept looking and looking and couldn't figure out how to signal what I thought was wrong, but couldn't find a button and I was clicking all over the screen,...:frust: I even went to the website to see if any instructions were given on whatever page might have preceded this one!! Talk about stupid...Now I find out that the whole joke is that silly face that kept coming on the screen which I thought was just a sort of "hurry up" thingee!! I was just ignoring it and turned off the volume because it was so loud.

Interesting information

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee
(Hardly seems worth it)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb
(Now that's more like it)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet
(OMG...!)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
( Holy Cow !!! )

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death.
(Creepy)

(I'm still not over the pig)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Do not try this at home .. maybe at work)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
(Honey, I'm home. What the.... )

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes...can you imagine??)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What can be so tasty on the bottom of the pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life ... quality over quantity.)

Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(No Comment........)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animal that cannot jump.
(OK, so that would be a good thing....)

A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out.)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed.
(Who knew...? Who cares!)
(30 Minutes!!!!!!!)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about the pig?)

> This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a US Naval ship
> and
> the Canadians, off the coast of Newfoundland , Oct 95.
> The radio conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations
> 10-10-95
>
> CANADIANS: Please divert your course 18 degrees to the south, to avoid
> collision.
>
> AMERICANS:Recommend you divert your course degrees to the North to avoid
> collision.
>
> CANADIANS: Negative: you have to divert your course 015 degrees to the
> south to
> avoid a collision.
>
> AMERICANS This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say divert YOUR course.
>
>
> CANADIANS: I say again, you will have to divert your course.
>
> AMERICANS: THIS IS THE CAPTAIN OF THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN.THE
> SECOND
> LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES ATLANTIC FLEET,WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY
> THREE
> DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT
> YOU
> CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN THAT'S 15 DEGREES
> NORTH,OR
> COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
>
> CANADIANS: We are a Lighthouse. Your Call!!

For thousands of years, men have tried to understand the rules when dealing with women. Finally, this merit/demerit guide will help you to understand just how it works. Remember, in the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy.

Do something she likes, and you get points.
Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted.
You don't get any points for doing something she expects.
Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

SIMPLE DUTIES
You make the bed...................................................................+1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows.... 0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets.......................-1
You leave the toilet seat up.....................................................-5
You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty.................... 0
When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex.....-1
When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom.........-2
You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings.......+5
in the snow.............................................................................+8
but return with beer................................................................-5
and no liners...........................................................................-25
You check out a suspicious noise at night............................... 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing.................. 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something.............+5
You pummel it with a six iron..................................................+10
It's her cat..............................................................................-40

AT THE PARTY
You stay by her side the entire party......................... 0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a work
colleague......-2
Named Tiffany..................................................-4
Tiffany is a dancer...........................................-10
With breast implants.......................................-18

HER BIRTHDAY
You remember her birthday...................................... 0
You buy a card and flowers...................................... 0
You take her out to dinner....................................... 0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a pub..........+1
Okay, it is a pub.......................................................-2
And it's all-you-can-eat night...................................-5

COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk about a problem:
You listen, displaying a concerned expression..................0
You listen, for over 30 minutes.........................................+5
You relate to her problem and share a similar experience.......+50
You're mind wanders to the cricket and you suddenly hear her
saying "well, what do you think I should do?".....-100
You have fallen asleep.........................................-200

ITS THAT TIME OF THE MONTH.......
You talk........................................................-100
You don't talk...............................................-150
You spend time with her.........................................-200
You don't spend time with her................................-500
You are seen to be enjoying yourself.......GAME OVER - YOU LOSE!!

Subject: New Two Year Degree Offer
Date: 3/6/02 8:29 AM

TWO YEAR DEGREE
A new two-year degree is being offered at the University that many of
you should be interested in: Becoming a Real Man. That's right, in just six
mini-mesters, you, too, can be a real man as well as earn a MA degree
(Male Arts). Please take a moment to look over the program outline.

FIRST YEAR
Autumn Schedule:
MEN 101: Combating Stupidity
MEN 102: You, Too, Can Do Housework
MEN 103: PMS - Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut
MEN 104: We Do Not Want Sleazy Under things for Christmas

Winter Schedule:
MEN 110: Wonderful Laundry Techniques
MEN 111: Understanding the Female Response to Getting in at 4am
MEN 112: Parenting: It Doesn't End with Conception
EAT 100: Get a Life, Learn to Cook
EAT 101: Get a Life, Learn to Cook II
ECON 001A: What's Hers is Hers

Spring Schedule:
MEN 120: How NOT to Act Like a Butt face When You're Wrong
MEN 121: Understanding Your Incompetence
MEN 122: YOU, the Weaker Sex
MEN 123: Reasons to Give Flowers
ECON 001C: What Was Yours is Hers

SECOND YEAR
Autumn Schedule:
SEX 101: You CAN Fall Asleep without It
SEX 102: Morning Dilemma: If It's Awake, Take a Shower
SEX 103: How to Stay Awake After Sex
MEN 201: How to Put the Toilet Seat Down

(Elective)
(See Electives Below)
Winter Schedule:
MEN 210: The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency
MEN 211: How to Not Act Younger than Your Children
MEN 212: You, Too, Can Be a Designated Driver
MEN 213: Honest, You Don't Look Like Tom Cruise
MEN 230A: Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important

Spring Schedule:
MEN 220: Omitting %&*! from Your Vocabulary (Pass/Fail Only)
MEN 221: Fluffing the Blanket After Farting Is Not Necessary
MEN 222: Real Men Ask for Directions
MEN 223: Thirty Minutes of Begging is NOT Considered Foreplay
MEN 230B: Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important 2

Course Electives:
EAT 101: Cooking with Tofu
EAT 102: Utilization of Eating Utensils
EAT 103: Burping and Belching Discreetly
MEN 231: Mothers-in-law
MEN 232: Appear to Be Listening
MEN 233: Just Say "Yes, Dear"
ECON 001C: Cheaper to Keep Her

Just a thought for all the women out there.
Ø MENtal illness
Ø MENstrual cramps
Ø MENtal breakdown
Ø MENopause
Ø GUYnocologist (poetic spelling)
Ever notice how all of women's problems start with men?

06:00 Alarm.

06:15 Receive oral favors.

06:30 Massive dump while reading the sports section.

07:00 Breakfast, Filet Mignon, eggs, toast and coffee.

07:30 Drive mint '63 Corvette, 30 miles to airport.

08:00 Bloody Mary en route to airport.

08:15 Private jet to Augusta, Georgia.

09:30 Limo to Augusta National Golf Club.

09:45 Play front nine, finish 2 under par.

11:45 Lunch, 2 dozen oysters on the half shell and 3
Heinekens.

12:15 Receive oral favors.

12:30 Play back nine at Augusta, finish 4 under par.

14:15 Limo back to airport, drink 2 Bombay martinis.

14:30 Private jet to Nassau, Bahamas. Nap.

15:15 Late afternoon fishing excursion with topless female
crew.

16:30 Catch world record light tackle marlin - 1,249 lbs.

17:00 Jet back home. En route, get massage from naked
Kathy Ireland.

19:00 Watch CNN Newsflash, George W. Bush resigns.

19:30 Dinner, lobster appetizers, Dom Perignon, 20 Oz. New
York Strip.

21:00 Relax after dinner with 1789 Augler Cognac and Cuba
cigar.

22:00 Have sex with two 18 year old nymphomaniacs.

23:00 Massage and Jacuzzi.

23:45 Go to bed.

23:50 Let loose a 12 second, 4 octave fart, scare the dog out
of the room.

23:55 Laugh yourself to sleep.

Dear Girls,

For too long we men have been divided and conquered in the name of equality, feminism and a host of other bobbins. No more! The man fights back!!
Tell your friends, the 90's man is dead.... Long live the Man of the 2000's.

Listen up ladies, below is how it REALLY is.....

1. If you think you might be fat, you are. Don't ask us. Just get your arse down a gym.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up, just put the bloody thing down.
3. Don't cut your hair. Ever. It causes unnecessary arguments when we dare to comment on it.
4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present... again.
5. Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it.
6. Saturday = Football. Let it be.
7. Shopping is not a sport.
8. Anything you wear is fine. Really !!!.
9. Ask for what you want directly. Subtle hints don't work.
10. Face it, peeing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.
11. Most blokes own two to three pairs of shoes, so what makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with that particular dress?
12. 'Yes', 'No' and 'Mmm' are perfectly acceptable answers.
13. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
14. Your Mum doesn't have to be our best friend.
15. Check your oil. It is an essential part of car maintenance.
16. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.
17. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in a subsequent argument.
18. It's not the dress that makes you look fat. It's all that bloody chocolate you eat!!
19. Telling us that the models in the men's magazines are airbrushed makes you sound jealous and petty and it's certainly not going to deter us from reading them.
20. The male models with great bodies you see in magazines are all gay.
21. If something we said could be interpreted two ways, and one of these ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
22. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we rate how pretty you are?
23. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during the commercial breaks.
24. When we are in bed and look tired, this means that we are tired and definitely does not mean that we want to discuss the relationship.
25. If you want some dessert after a meal - have some. You don't HAVE to finish it. You can just taste it if you like but don't say "No, couldn't/shouldn't/don't want any" and then eat half of mine.
26. Dieting doesn't work without exercise.
27. If you're on a diet it doesn't mean my meals should be rabbit food as well.
28. A man's four essential food groups are: white meat, red meat, warm beer and cold lager. Please ensure all meals contain a good balance of the above in acceptable quantities - everything else falls under the category "garnish".
29. Do not question our sense of direction.

If you can learn the above, then man and woman can co-exist on a level based on love and mutual respect. The ball's in your court.
Sincerely yours,

The Lads

Great list!!!

I'm going to make sure my wife gets a copy. Anonymously, of course!!! :o :eek: :biglaugh:

Be careful Michael....

If your wife has anywhere near the sense of humour you've hinted at, you WILL pay for that:eek:

Just remember, paybacks are He double toothpicks, but revenge is oh, so sweet.

Y'all have a wonderful weekend!

Originally posted by SteelMaiden
Be careful Michael....

If your wife has anywhere near the sense of humour you've hinted at, you WILL pay for that:eek:

Just remember, paybacks are He double toothpicks, but revenge is oh, so sweet.

Y'all have a wonderful weekend!

Don't I know it!!! She already caught on and knew I was the one who sent it to her... :biglaugh: :o

The sad part......there are days like this! :biglaugh:

Jamie

Here's something I've been trying to get my hands on and share. With my connections to the military I get some of this neat stuff frequently.

Enjoy and pass it around.

Here's another goody I recently obtained:biglaugh:

Here's a photo from our friends in the Ukraine in support of the USA. This is a really sharp picture no kidding.

Randy and Energy,

Thanks, those were some great pics!

CarolX

Originally posted by CarolX
Randy and Energy,
Thanks, those were some great pics!
CarolX

And thank you for responding to Andrew in the other thread. He must have been confused with the way it went off topic. Probably thought we are slightly deranged. Well, I am and ****ed proud of it. :p :ko: :smokin:

I thought this was cute!


At Sunday School they were teaching how God created
everything, including human beings. Little Johnny
seemed especially intent when they told him how
Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in
the week his mother noticed him lying down as though
he were ill, and said, Johnny what is the matter?
Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side.
I think I'm going to have a wife."

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the
bathroom. A few minutes later,a loud, bloodcurdling scream is heard coming from the
bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming.
What's all the screaming about in there? he yells. "You're scaring my customers!"
I'm just sitting here on the toilet," slurs the drunk,
"and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the **** out of my
testicles."
With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says, "You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"

Here's a couple pix you may enjoy.

Found at a recent yard sale in the USA.

:biglaugh:

I like it Randy.
:biglaugh: :vfunny:

Sometimes it DOES take a Rocket Scientist (true story)

Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the British engineers. When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's backrest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow.

The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the US scientists for suggestions.

NASA responded with a one-line memo:

"Defrost the chicken".:bonk:

At least we have someone to blame everything on.

Check this out;)

check what out?

Let me try this again..

At least we have someone to blame everything on.

Check this out

:vfunny:

This is really pretty!

Two women waiting at the pearly gates strike up a conversation.

"How'd you die?" the first woman asks.

"I froze to death," says the second.

"That's awful," says the first woman. "How does it feel to freeze to death?"

"It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second woman."You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How about you, how did you die?"

"I had a heart attack," says the first woman. "You see, I knew my husband was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found him alone, watching TV. I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there, either. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there, either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died."

The second woman shakes her head. "That's so ironic," she says. If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."

Folks, I would prefer keeping the thread a bit less politically controversial. The WTC picture with the lights is one thing but we've reached the point of vulgarity in at least one other.

Thanks.

INTERESTING FACTS

Yet again, some more of those facts that you didn't know you didn't know!!

Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.

Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.

The national anthem of Greece has 158 verses. No one in Greece has memorized all 158 verses.

There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.

The average secretary's left hand does 56% of the typing.

A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.

There are more chickens than people in the world.

Two-thirds of the world's eggplant is grown in New Jersey.

The longest one-syllable word in the English language is "screeched."

On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament Building is an American flag.

All of the clocks in the movie Pulp Fiction are stuck on 4:20.

No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver or purple.

"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".

All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.

Almonds are members of the peach family.

Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.

Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.

There are only four words in the English language which end in "-dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.

A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain.

Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.

In most advertisements, including newspapers, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10.

Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.

The only real person to be a Pez head was Betsy Ross.

When the University of Nebraska Cornhuskers play football at home, the stadium becomes the state's third largest city.

The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "Its A Wonderful Life".

A dragonfly has a lifespan of 24 hours.

A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.

A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.

On an American one-dollar bill, there is an owl in the upper left-hand corner of the "1" encased in the "shield" and a spider hidden in the front upper right-hand corner.

It is impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.

Who's that playing the piano on the "Mad About You" theme? Paul Reiser himself.

In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.

The name for Oz in the "Wizard of Oz" was thought up when the creator, Frank Baum, looked at his filing cabinet and saw A-N and O-Z, hence "Oz."

The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.

Mr. Rogers is an ordained minister.

John Lennon's first girlfriend was named Thelma Pickles.

The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.

There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.

Stewardesses' is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand.

Typewriter is the only ten letter word you can type on the top of your keyboard.

:ko: :smokin:

Uh, oh.... You've gotten into the Trivia game cards again, haven't you... :thedeal:

Originally posted by Jamie
This is really pretty!An excellent photo!

I haven't checked the veracity of every one of these so-called "facts" -- some of them may actually be true -- but there is a long explanation on snopes.com debunking the myth of the American Flag on the Canadian bills.

I picked up the following a couple of years ago.:vfunny:

A Mexican newspaper reports that bored Royal Air Force pilots stationed on the Falkland Islands have devised what they consider a marvelous new game.

Noting that the local penguins are fascinated by airplanes, the pilots search out a beach where the birds are gathered and fly slowly along it at the water's edge. Perhaps ten thousand penguins turn their heads in unison watching the planes go by,and when the pilots turn around and fly back, the birds turn their heads in the opposite direction, like spectators at a slow-motion tennis match. Then, the paper reports, "The pilots fly out to sea and directly to the penguin colony and fly over it. Heads go up, up, up, and ten thousand penguins fall over gently onto their backs."

:biglaugh:

Guess the soliders got tired of cow tipping (or maybe the cows got wise to them).

:vfunny: :vfunny: :vfunny:

The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket. He also demonstrated his discovery by using it to heat an egg (with predictable results). The audience is said to have been a bunch of top brass...

/Claes

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 47th birthday. She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home she stops at a news stand to buy a paper.

Before leaving she asks the salesclerk "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 32", replies the clerk. "I'm actually 47," the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes to McDonalds and asks the counter girl the same question. She replies, "I'd guess about 29." The woman replies, "Nope, I am 47!" Now she is feeling really good about herself.

While waiting for the bus home, she asks an old man the same question. He replies, "I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was, but it requires you to let me put my hands down your panties. Then, I can tell exactly how old you are."

They waited in silence on the empty street until curiosity got the best of the woman and she finally says, "What the heck, go ahead". The old man slips both hands down her panties and begins to feel around. After several minutes she says, Okay, how old am I? He removes his hands slowly and says, "You are 47."

Stunned, the woman says, "That is amazing. How do you know?"


The old man replies, "I was behind you in McDonalds."

Quotes seen on T-shirts...

1. "Frankly, Scallop, I Don't Give a Clam." (Seen on Cape Cod)

2. "That's It! I'm Calling Grandma!" (Seen on an 8 year old)

3. "Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up"

4. "Procrastinate Now."

5. "Rehab Is for Quitters."

6. "My Dog Can Lick Anyone."

7. "I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts - Do You Want Fries With That?"

8. "Party - My Crib - Two A.M." (On a baby-size shirt)

9. "Finally 21, and Legally Able to Do Everything I've Been Doing Since 15."

10. "ALL MEN ARE IDIOTS, AND I MARRIED THEIR KING."

11. "West Virginia: One Million People, and 15 last names."

12. "FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes bundled with the software."

13. "I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN AND I'VE GOT A GUN."

14. "A hangover is the wrath of grapes."

15. "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance."

16. "STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!"

17. "DISCOURAGE INBREEDING - Ban Country Music."

18. "MOOSEHEAD: A great beer and a new experience for a moose."

19. "They call it 'PMS' because 'Mad Cow Disease' was already taken."

20. "He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead."

21. "Time's fun when you're having flies...Kermit the Frog."

22. "POLICE STATION TOILET STOLEN.... Cops have nothing to go on."

23. "FOR SALE: Iraqi rifle. Never fired. Dropped once."

24. "HECK IS WHERE PEOPLE GO WHO DON'T BELIEVE IN GOSH."

25. "A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS, but it uses up a thousand times the memory."

26. "The Meek shall inherit the earth.... after we're through with it."

27. "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."

28. "HAM AND EGGS - A day's work for a chicken; A lifetime commitment for a pig."

29. "WELCOME TO KENTUCKY - Set your watch back 20 years."

30. "The trouble with life is there's no background music."

31. "IF THERE IS NO GOD, WHO POPS UP THE NEXT KLEENEX?"

32. "Suicidal Twin Kills Sister By Mistake!"

33. "The original point-and-click interface was a Smith Wesson."

34. "MY WILD OATS HAVE TURNED TO SHREDDED WHEAT."

35. "Computer programmers don't byte, they nibble a bit."

36. "Computer programmers know how to use their hardware."
>
37. "MOP AND GLOW - Floor wax used by Three-Mile-Island cleanup team."

38. "Nyquil - The stuffy, sneezy, why-the-****-is-the-room-spinning
medicine."

39. "Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research."

40. "My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He
thought he was God, and I didn't."

:biglaugh: :bigwave:

Reasons why the English language is so hard to learn:

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in
eggplant

nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.

English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly; boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend. If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian
eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? How can a slim chance and a fat chance Be the same, while a wise man and a wise
guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on. English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

PS. - Why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "quick"

I feel better about those grades in english I pulled. I wish my profs would have been a little more considerate!!!!
:bonk:

The difference between men and women engineers.....

OK guys and gals have at it with the subtitles...I'll start....." no not that button..."
http://16949.com/ubb/Men vs women-1.jpg

:biglaugh:

Ouch. Yep.. That figures...

Any man knows how hard it can be to figure a woman out, while they always seem to know exactly what button to push. Now we know why.

:truce: <- Unconditional surrender.....

Laura,
Now I know why Thomas Dolby named that 80's song "She Blinded Me With Science"!!!!!:biglaugh:

The worst part is none of the 'Woman' dials are labeled....

You're supposed to know what to do!!!! (Sorry, couldn't resist going down that path!!!!) :biglaugh: :bigwave: :smokin:

Originally posted by Marc
The worst part is none of the 'Woman' dials are labeled....Laura,

I just couldn't help myself. Fortunately for me, my wife of 36 years doesn't know that the Cove exists! Here we go!:vfunny: :ko: :smokin:

Good Grief, Energy...

I guess 36 years qualify you as an expert. Now I only need to figure out the correct settings. Have you got the manual too? Oooopssss.. I forgot. No standardisation in that field. Forget the manual. LMAO..

:bonk:

/Claes

Originally posted by energy
Laura,

I just couldn't help myself. Fortunately for me, my wife of 36 years doesn't know that the Cove exists! Here we go!:vfunny: :ko: :smokin:

Good grief - what does she think - that you WORK all day....and night?

:rolleyes: :evidence: ;)

Originally posted by Laura M


Good grief - what does she think - that you WORK all day....and night?

:rolleyes: :evidence: ;) All I know is that my "order" dial doesn't work. In fact, if I attempt to turn that dial, the panel gets too hot to touch. In some cases, the dials may eject and hit you right in the eye! Maybe it's time for a newer model that's more user friendly!:vfunny: :ko: :smokin:

Operator error?

This guy is flying down the road and he comes over the top of a
bridge, sure enough, on the other side there is a cop sitting with a radar gun. The cop pulls the guy over, walks up to the car and asks, "What's the hurry?" The guy replies, "I'm late for work." "Oh yeah?"says the cop, "What do you do?" The guy responds, "I'm a rectum stretcher." The cop says, "What is a rectum stretcher and what does a rectum stretcher do?" The guy says, "Well, I start with one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then my whole hand, then I work until I can get both hands in there and then I slowly stretch it until its about 6 feet wide." The cop asks, "What the **** do you do with a 6 foot asshole?" The guy replies, "You give him a radar gun and park him at the end of a bridge..."

Operator error caused by over-engineering and no training program. Although no amount of training could keep up with the undocumented process changes.:)

Originally posted by Laura M
Operator error? The box needs an upgrade!:biglaugh: :ko: :smokin:

The Stepford Wives, eh? How about plug-in modules?

Originally posted by Marc
The Stepford Wives, eh? How about plug-in modules?

Are there any other kind? Oh, I thought I read Models!
:biglaugh: :ko: :smokin:

Originally posted by Laura M
The difference between men and women engineers.....

OK guys and gals have at it with the subtitles...I'll start....." no not that button..."
<center>http://16949.com/ubb/Men vs women-1.jpg</center>

<center>http://16949.com/ubb/Man and the woman-a.jpg</center>

This is for those of you who thought either or both of these models have no depth... It is evident here that 'Man' is no shallower that 'Woman'... :thedeal:

Al wanted this posted:

http://16949.com/pdf_files/worldsshortestvacation.mpe

There is no way i could memorize all the knobs, I'm used to two!:)

I Can't see, I can't see, that does mean I don't have ant senses??

25 Signs that you have grown up...

1. Your plants are alive. And you can't smoke any of them.
2. Having sex in a twin bed is absurd.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
6. You watch the Weather Channel, and carry an umbrella.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as 'dressed up.'
10. You're the one calling the police because those darn kids next door don't know how to turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM.
17. Dinner and a movie = the whole date (instead of the beginning of one).
18. Eating a bucket of hot wings at 3 AM would severely upset (rather than settle) your stomach.
19. You go to the drugstore for Ibuprofen and antacids, not condoms and pregnancy test kits.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer considered 'pretty good stuff.'
21. You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.
22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."
23. Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
24. You don't drink at home before going to a bar to save money.
25. You read this entire list looking for one sign that doesn't apply to you.

:thedeal:

KITTY ETIQUETTE - FROM A CAT'S POINT OF VIEW

BATHROOMS: Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare. You can help out by unrolling the toilet tissue for them.
DOORS: Do not allow any closed doors in any room. To get door open, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws ... or scratch at the carpet in front of the door. Once the door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season.
HELPING: If one of your humans is engaged in some activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping." Following are the rules for "helping:"
1.) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.
2.) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself.
3.) For paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work as possible. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or pen.
4.) For people paying bills or working on income taxes or Christmas cards, keep in mind the aim: to help! First, sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability. After being removed for the second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a time.
5.) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump at the back of the paper. Humans like being startled.
6.) When your human is working at the computer, jump up on the desk, walk across the keyboard, bat at the mouse pointer on the screen and then lay in your human's lap across their arms, helping with the typing in progress.
WALKING: As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of your human, especially on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This will help their coordination skills.
BEDTIME: Always sleep on the human at night so he/she cannot move around. It helps them rest better to lie perfectly still.
LITTER BOX: When using the litter box, be sure to kick as much litter out of the box as possible. Humans enjoy the feel of kitty litter between their toes.
HIDING: Every now and then, hide in a place where the humans cannot find you. Do not come out for three to four hours under any circumstances. This will cause the humans to panic (which they love) thinking that you have run away or are lost. Once you do come out, the humans will cover you with love and kisses and you will probably get a treat.
ONE LAST THOUGHT: Whenever possible, get close to a human, especially their face. Humans love this, so do it often. And don't forget their guests.

****sigh****
and I swore I would never grow up! When did it happen? Is there any justice in this world??

Does this mean I can get a kitty now?

:D

All Right!!!!
It's proof that I don't have to ever grow up! I still qualify as youthful by 5, 8, 9 and 15!!!!

Steel,

See? Your state isn't even mentioned here!:vfunny:

Redneck Vasectomy

After having their 11th child, an Arkansas couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a cherry bomb, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The redneck said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest fella in the world, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

"Trust me," said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count:

"1"

"2"

"3"

"4"

"5"

At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Kentucky, Alabama, Mississippi, and West Virginia.
:ko: :smokin:

There was this farmer who decided that his rooster needed a replacement, becuse the hens were not getting what they needed. The very next day he bought a new one and dumped it in front of the hen house.

The two roosters stood there glaring at each other. Finally, the old one said: -Look, I know I'm old and a bit tattered, but I don't want to just fold and go away. Would you do me the favour to beat me in a competition to let me fall with honour? How about a race, 5 laps around the henhouse?

-Sure thing, said the young one, brimming with confidence. So they went to the hen house and took off.

To his great surprise the young one found himself in 2nd place after the first lap. He did his outmost to catch up, but after lap 2 he was even further behind.

When they finished the 4th lap a shotgun barked and the young rooster fell to the ground.

As the dust settled the farmer turned around and called to his wife: -That's the last rooster I'll ever buy from McDonald. This was the third one in a row that was only interested in my old rooster!

/Claes

Originally posted by energy
Steel,

See? Your state isn't even mentioned here!:vfunny:

This procedure also works in Kentucky, Alabama, Mississippi, and West Virginia.
:ko: :smokin:

Thank you for not lumping me in!!! Here is one that will surely deter crime on all of the golf courses no matter the state!

Enjoy!

Originally posted by SteelMaiden

Here is one that will surely deter crime on all of the golf courses no matter the state!
Enjoy!

Oh yea? I would venture to guess that the amount of women playing golf is approaching that of men. So let's think of another punishment for ball pilfering. Now, if we are talking about women professional golfers, then there is no problem.:biglaugh: :ko: :smokin: