The Elsmar Cove "Humour Thread" - CAUTION - 'Big Kid' Content

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Originally Posted by Randy Stewart

We know we have bad roads in MI, and we know we have a lot of rivers and lakes. When the 2 get together we really have problems.

This is a block away from where I work!

Isn't that a picture of the Livonia Canal?

[Bill Ryan]

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral...I'm a gynecologist."

And at that point, the proctologist fainted.

[Al Rosen]

Originally Posted by Randy Stewart

We know we have bad roads in MI, and we know we have a lot of rivers and lakes. When the 2 get together we really have problems.

This is a block away from where I work!

We have problems in NY too.

[Randy Stewart]

This just in from Texas....
A researcher from Texas A&M University has invented a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling and prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.
At a news conference announcing the invention, the scientist was taken outside by a large group of cowboys and had the s*1t kicked out of him.

[Randy Stewart]

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven.
At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says "Sisters, you all led such wonderful lives that I'm granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you want to be."

The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;" and *poof* she's gone.

The second says, "I want to be Madonna;" and *poof* she's gone.

The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini."
St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says.
"Sara Pipalini;" replies the nun.
St. Peter shakes his head and says; "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St.Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says....
"No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months.

[Jimmy Olson]

While watching a seminar on TV about communication, a man listened as the lecturer declared, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."

He addressed the men, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?"

Feeling good about his knowledge of her normal activities, he looked across the room and asked: "Pillsbury All-Purpose, isn't it?"

The whole evening went downhill after that.....................

[Cari Spears]

An 8th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to seven times its normal size when stimulated?"

Indignant, Sally stood up and said "You should not be asking 8th graders such a question!! I'm going to tell my parents, they are going to tell the Principal, who will fire you!"

Mrs. Parks asked Sally to take her seat and patiently repeated her question to the class. Sally's mouth fell open and she said to those around her "Boy is she in big trouble.

Kevin raised his hand and Mrs. Parks called on him. "The body part that increases seven times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."

"That is correct" replied Mrs. Parks. Then she said to Sally "As for you, young lady, you have a dirty mind, you did not read your homework, and one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."

[Randy Stewart]

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"
"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life."
The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"

An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.