When I die, I want to die like my grandfather,
who died peacefully in his sleep.
Not screaming like all the passengers in his car."
~ Author Unknown
~ Author Unknown
Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and
get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle:
"Take two aspirin and keep away from children."
~ Author Unknown
~ Author Unknown
"Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so?
There's a support group for that. It's called
EVERYBODY and they meet at the bar."
~ Drew Carey
~ Drew Carey
"The problem with the designated driver program,
it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked
into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night,
drop them off at the wrong house."
~ Jeff Foxworthy
~ Jeff Foxworthy
"If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball
and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save
the infant's life without even considering
if there is a man on base."
~ Dave Barry
~ Dave Barry
"Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job,
and we should treat it like one. If your
boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you,
they should give two weeks' notice. There should
be severance pay. The day before they leave you,
they should have to find you a temp."
~ Bob Ettinger
~ Bob Ettinger
"My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her
out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said,
'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'"
~ Paula Poundstone
~ Paula Poundstone
"A study in the Washington Post says that women
have better verbal skills than men.
I just want to say to the authors of that study:
"Duh."
~ Conan O'Brien
~ Conan O'Brien
"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?
I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize,
Oh my God.... I could be eating a slow learner."
~ Lynda Montgomery
~ Lynda Montgomery
"I think that's how Chicago got started. Bunch of people in
New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and poverty,
but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'" ~Richard Jeni
"If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and
all the impersonators would be dead."
~ Johnny Carson
~ Johnny Carson
"Sometimes I think war is God's way
of teaching us geography."
~ Paul Rodriguez
~ Paul Rodriguez
"My parents didn't want to move to Florida,
but they turned sixty and that's the law."
~ Jerry Seinfeld
~ Jerry Seinfeld
"Remember in elementary school you were told
that in case of fire you had to line up quietly in a
single file line from smallest to tallest. What is
the logic in that? Do tall people burn slower?"
~ Warren Hutcherson
~ Warren Hutcherson
"Bigamy is having one wife too many.
Monogamy is the same."
~ Oscar Wilde
~ Oscar Wilde
"Suppose you were an idiot ..
And suppose you were a member of Congress...
But I repeat myself."
~ Mark Twain
~ Mark Twain
"Our bombs are smarter than the average
high school student.
At least they can find Afghanistan."
~ A. Whitney Brown
~ A. Whitney Brown
"Women need a reason to have sex.
Men just need a place."
~ Billy Crystal
~ Billy Crystal
