Warped Quality Definitions - Looking for your anecdotes

[Tim Folkerts]

Below are some warped definitions of quality terms - most (but not all) of which I posted earlier in the humor thread. They differ from the correct spelling by just one letter.

Well, I kind of volunteered to give a talk at the local ASQ section and was planning to base it on these definitions. I was thinking that by mixing in some humor, I could also address some serious issues that cause poor quality and difficulty in the work-place.

I was hoping that some of you might have anecdotes that address some of the ideas below. If I just delivered them as one-liners, it would make for a short talk, so I need some more "filler". Perhaps you know someone that fits one of the defintions. Perhaps your company tried an approach that didn't work. Perhaps you avoided a problem by recognizing a potential pitfall. If you have something to share, it might be informative to others and give me some stories to work into the talk. I am starting to watch threads here for inspiration, too, but your contributions would be appreciated.

And feel free to add any other definitions you might think of! Oh, and if there are some that you think are especially funny or approriate (or unfunny or inappropriate), you are welcome to add those comments, too.


Tim F

---------------------------------------------------------

Quality Improvemint – unrealistically expecting that superficial changes will fix a product that leaves a bad taste in your mouth.

Manufracturing - producing parts with unsightly cracks

Attributte - a characteristic that has plateaued at a new, higher level

Benchmurking - comparisons that only cloud the issues

Anulysis - studying a problems, but finding no answer

Balanced Scarecard - your company is only weeks away from bankruptcy

Gape Analysis - studying your coworker's reaction to a Balanced Scarecard

Quality Controll - using brute force to make improvements

Deflects per Millions Opportunities - how well you hide problems

Hisstogram - a bar chart where each item is represented by a snake

Poison Distribution - the shape usually seen on a Hisstogram

Interquartile rage - anger felt by students taking statistics

Linear Relationslip - when all but one points fall on a perfectly straight line

Multiple Reguession - trying many random approaches for solving a problem

Rot Cause Analysis - don't keep food in the back of the refrigerator for a month

eX-Bar - where average divorced people go for a drink.

2 Simple T-Test - when you should have done a more sophisticated statistical test instead.

Wishbone Diagram - a method for reaching the conclusion you had hoped for.

Coast-Benefit Analysis - should I call in sick today and to go to the beach?

Greed Belt - a person who gets certified just to get a promotion


Blank Belt – a person who gives the impression of knowledge, but really doesn’t have a clue.

Slack Belt – a person who is an expert at goofing off.

Flack Belt – a person who is always getting blamed for everything.

Masher Black Belt - a person who is an expert at making things worse

Masker Black Belt - a person who is an expert at hiding problems

Special Clause Variation - defects induced by lawyers

Mathemagician – a person with a mystical ability to analyze data.

Cusstomers - people who keep adding new requirements while expecting lower prices.

Tact Time – how much time you have to spend talking nicely to the people around you to keep things running smoothly.

Basteline - the outer limits of normal operations. If you cross over this line, your goose is cooked.

[little__cee]

not sure how to work it into your talk but my five year old says the word "instructions" as "destructions" which I find very appropriate. Make up your own definition for work destructions as you see fit!

[lrowe]

ARR Chart -Statistical tool used by Pirates to determine the potential of taking control of another ship

Plan-Do-Check-Hack cycle- Improvement technique used by IT when they really don't know how to fix a computer problem.

How's that for starters?

[Tim Folkerts]

ARR-Chart
Plan-Do-Check-Hack
Destructions

Pretty Good!
(Even if they do change two letter instead of just one )


Tim F

[Wes Bucey]

I've always found the technique of "make a point, tell a story" very effective when dealing with ANY audience.

Let me suggest this for your avowed purpose:

Pick about five (maybe as many as eight) good daffynitions which you can develeop into cautionary tales of how some organization got in a pickle by following the daffynition versus the REAL definition. The length of each tale can be as short as two minutes to as long as five minutes. The point or "moral" of each story should be "knowledge and execution of the right way can save you grief." Sometimes you can combine two or three daffynitions in the same tale as the haplesss protagonists dig themselves deeper and deeper in the mire. The humor comes from building suspense and then bursting the tension with an idiotic climax that "any fool" should have anticipated.

Don't limit yourself to the "rules of the game" when reaching for a daffynition. For example, instead of "Taguchi" you might have "Kootchie Kootchie" because the humor is not in being clever enough to do the transformation with just one letter, but in the daffynition which accompanies the transformed word amd the story which goes with it. Your audience is there to be entertained, not to check whether you follow the rule of the game. Think more of "malaprops" ala Norm Crosby the deaf comedian. The humor can be advanced if you create an "expert persona" for the presentation - where you set yourself up as "Professor Ito" cousin of Judge Ito and you have a "Parrot Ito" (a stuffed parrot toy you clip to your shoulder), perhaps with a long stream of dried white Elmer's glue hanging perilously from its tail. The title might be "Parrot Ito tales."

You might give each audience member a printed handout at the end of your speech with the rules of the game and a list of your daffynitions AND your contact information for another speech engagement! Don't give 'em out if the speech bombs!

[Tim Folkerts]

Originally Posted by Wes Bucey

Pick about five (maybe as many as eight) good daffynitions which you can develeop into cautionary tales of how some organization got in a pickle by following the daffynition versus the REAL definition. The length of each tale can be as short as two minutes to as long as five minutes.

Yep. That was pretty much what I had in mind. I was hoping the wise and experienced Cove members might provide some of the tales and save me some work.

Don't limit yourself to the "rules of the game" when reaching for a daffynition. For example, instead of "Taguchi" you might have "Kootchie Kootchie"

Good point. It is easy to "miss the forest for the trees". The "rules" make for an interesting challenge, but it would be easy to let them get in the way of the meaasge.

The humor can be advanced if you create an "expert persona" for the presentation - where you set yourself up as "Professor Ito" cousin of Judge Ito and you have a "Parrot Ito" (a stuffed parrot toy you clip to your shoulder), perhaps with a long stream of dried white Elmer's glue hanging perilously from its tail.

Is "Parrot Ito" intended as a play on "pareto"? There's one more that might be worked into the spiel.

You might give each audience member a printed handout at the end of your speech with the rules of the game and a list of your daffynitions AND your contact information for another speech engagement!

I was thinking of something along those lines.

Don't give 'em out if the speech bombs!

Tim F

[Wes Bucey]

Originally Posted by Tim Folkerts

Is "Parrot Ito" intended as a play on "pareto"? There's one more that might be worked into the spiel.

Tim F

Would you believe . . . [I hadn't meant or noticed?]

[qualitygoddess]

Masher Black Belt story: my brother-in-law is a SSBB for a large company that makes gases. They hired a master SSBB to help do the training of green belts and a new crop of black belts. During one training class, where my brother-in-law had been sent as an observer, he noted no less than 3 serious blunders by the MSSBB on how to use certain tools. The MSSBB also had trouble answering questions that were posed by students. These were questions my brother-in-law easily fielded for these same students at break or after class. My brother-in-law questioned how this MSSBB got hired in the first place. So, he asked the boss. The boss said that the MSSBB had been educated at a well-known university in India, and had a good letter of reference from am employer. The management never even had the MSSBB do a demo class, or have the other SSBB's meet him prior to hire.

Moral of the story: just because your credentials look impressive, doesn't mean you know what you are doing!

I guess this is not so funny, but rather sobering and sad.

Hey -- have a great weekend!