Date: Wed, 7 Nov 2001 19:25:18 -0500 (EST)
From: Scott Adams
To: Marc Smith
Subject: Dilbert Newsletter 38.0
Dilbert Newsletter 38.0
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To: Dogbert's New Ruling Class (DNRC)
From: Scott Adams
scottadams@aol.com
Date: November 2001
Highlights
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* Scott's Patriotic Duty
* Boss and Cow-orker Quotes
* Holiday Gift Ideas
* True Tales of Induhviduals
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DNRC Update
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There are 400,000 people in the DNRC, each more attractive, generous and intelligent than those who do not read the free Dilbert Newsletter. Maybe that's a coincidence, but I'm starting to doubt it.
My Patriotic Duty -----------------
I've been wondering about the best way to offer my patriotic services in this time of global conflict. I don't think I'd be a good candidate for Special Ops. I'd be the one with the wheeled carry-on bag saying, "Hey, guys, I have sand in my shoe! Is anyone else hungry? Can I use my flashlight now?"
I'm already donating money to patriotic causes, and I bought some plastic flags made in China, but I felt I needed to do more. Then it hit me. There is one patriotic duty for which I have prepared my entire life: dehumanizing the enemy. In a sense, that's been my full-time job for years. I just need to replace the word "management" with "Taliban." So let's get started.
I've been trying to figure out the Taliban's long-term strategy and I think I got it: They're trying to reverse evolution. Their uncontrolled body hair is a good start. Living in caves was an obvious step too.
The hard part was eliminating any trace of intelligence in the children. But they've made great strides in that area. Have you seen the video of the Taliban schools where the little kids squat on the floor and rock back and forth chanting all day? No math, no social studies, just rocking and chanting. For PE they use sticks to whack stuffed dummies labeled "Bush" and "Blair." I'm not sure how they know how to spell "Bush" and "Blair." On any given morning they're probably whacking dummies labeled "Tqwft" and "Upxpgt" but it's a good aerobic workout either way.
Just for fun, ask yourself what part of the Taliban curriculum could NOT be accomplished by, for example, a monkey: Rocking back and forth? Chanting? Beating a dummy with a stick? Even if a monkey only got a "D" in chanting, he would still graduate with honors from a Taliban school thanks to his high overall grades in rocking and whacking.
As I write this, our generals are trying to figure out how to get the Taliban out of their caves. They're running sophisticated war game scenarios and calculating risks and gathering intelligence. I have one word for them:
bananas
I don't want my patriotic words misconstrued as ethnic or religious insults. As soon as the evildoers stop doing evil, I am willing to promote them to full-fledged Induhviduals and insult them on equal footing with everyone else who doesn't read the Dilbert Newsletter.
Now that we've dehumanized the Taliban, let's get on to the important work of dehumanizing our bosses, cow-orkers and family members.
Induhvidual Confusion ---------------------
Some topics seem to confuse Induhviduals more than others. For example, they seem to have special trouble with concepts involving wildlife, vision and their own pants. See for yourself in these true quotes from Induhvidual bosses and Cow-orkers, submitted by DNRC members:
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A VP was speaking at a meeting and said, "Well, you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him crap." Someone up front said, "That's drink...can't make him drink." To which the VP said, "That's stupid."
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"In the kingdom of the blind, the one-eyed horse is king!"
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A cow-orker once said, "Looks like he's thrown a wrench in the monkeyworks."
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"A two-prawn approach is necessary."
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Here is a mangled expression the CIO at our company told me the other day. We were discussing an issue we both agreed upon and he said I was "preaching to the blind."
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"He won't last, he's just a flash in the pants."
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One of the employees called in to say that she couldn't come to work because she "...had to have an autopsy."
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My boss was telling a very involved story about something that happened to him. He leaned back nonchalantly and offered as a philosophical summary: "Sometimes fact is stranger than truth."
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"It's a catch 20-20."
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Our former boss suffered from the excessive use of mixed metaphors. An all-time howler was the day we asked him what his plans were to ensure success for a campaign and his reply was "Don't worry; I've got an ace up my hole."
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At a management meeting, my CEO said, "Our company is like a living orgasm." Now that's what I call job satisfaction.
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I overheard a manager congratulating an Induhvidual on having achieved a goal. The Induhvidual replied, "It was nothing. You planted the seed, and I ran with it."
--- In a meeting a cow-orker of mine referred to "the carrot at the end of the tunnel."
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"We are going to be shooting from the seat of our pants on this one."
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These all came from the same boss:
"Vision is in the eyes of the beholder."
"Part of the verbiage is a language thing."
"Eventually, I want it now."
"It's not that kind of zero."
"There are a lot of areas for efficiency reductions."
"In the last year, you've turned around 150%."
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When a high-powered agent of the company walked into the lunch room, our secretary remarked to our group that she couldn't stand him because he was "so ego-testicle." One of my cow-orkers spit coffee out of his nose, which just added to the moment.
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"I think you might have hit the nail on the button."
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"...caught between a rock and a wet spot."
---
And my nomination for scariest thing a boss ever said:
"I was thinking about you in the shower this morning and I thought of a name for you."
Holiday Gift Ideas ------------------
When I'm not slaving away writing FREE Dilbert Newsletters for you, I sometimes make holiday gift recommendations. I believe a gift should acknowledge the recipient's unique personality and interests. That's why I organized these suggestions by personality defect.
For Heathens, Vulcans, Skeptics and Dogmatics: ----------------------------------------------
My first non-Dilbert book, "God's Debris" (now in hardcover), is full of thought experiments about souls, free will and science that will have your friends and family arguing with each other for weeks. Combine the book with alcoholic beverages and there might even be some slapping.
The book is designed to fit in a stocking and to look as if you put more thought into the gift than you really did. Imagine how smart you'll seem when you say, "I found all the errors in reasoning. I'm sure you will too."
We probably didn't print enough copies of "God's Debris" for the holiday season (really) - it's way more popular than I expected -- so if it's meant to be a gift, act now. Get several for your smart friends or get just one and let people borrow it.
People With Short Attention Spans: ----------------------------------
I recommend the Dilbert Page-A-Day Calendar for people who can't handle more than 10 seconds per day of any one type of entertainment. For more severe cases of attention deficit, consider the monthly wall calendar or the weekly planner.
Imagine the look on the face of the lucky recipient, full of unmitigated joy and boundless appreciation for your gift-giving brilliance.
People Who Are Hard To Shop For: --------------------------------
I recommend my new book, "When Did Ignorance Become a Point of View?" It's a compilation of Dilbert comics that won't clash with anyone's home decorations or wardrobe. And it shows thoughtfulness because everyone you know has either had a job or knows someone who has.
Tip: When it's being unwrapped say, "You'll like this unless you're dead inside." That prevents most people from complaining, which is similar to being happy.
For Dyslexics: --------------
For dyslexics (like me) I recommend the or Calendar Day-A-Page Dilbert, my book "Debris God's," my and book, "When Become Did a Point of Ignorance View."
People Who Stand Too Close: ---------------------------
Dilbert mints, featuring Manage-Mints, Improve-Mints, Accomplish-mints and Pay-mints are now available.
The mints are good for people who like tasty mints or bad puns or collecting little tin containers for who-knows-what purpose.
Plop, The Hairless Elbonian ---------------------------
Over the summer I was experimenting with a Dilbert spin-off comic strip about a little boy and his pig growing up in the clueless country of Elbonia. Unfortunately this isn't a good time to launch a comic featuring people who look like the Taliban. So it's on the shelf, probably permanently.
Let me know what you think.
True Tales of Induhviduals --------------------------
Here now, more true tales of Induhviduals, as submitted by members of the DNRC.
The story in your last newsletter about the kid named Ampersand reminded me of another version I heard recently. One of my relatives met a woman who wanted to call her kid LATRINE. It took me an hour to stop laughing long enough to ask if anybody had pointed out what a latrine is. They had. She was apparently still intent on using it.
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When I received my new credit card, it had the number two (2) after my name instead of Roman numeral II as it should have, indicating that my name is the same as my father's. I called the bank's customer service number and asked that their records be changed to use the Roman numeral two (II) instead of the number two (2).
The customer service rep said, "I'm sorry, sir. My computer doesn't have Roman numerals."
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I just went to see the Cirque du Soleil. During one performance, where a man and woman were flying around by having scarves under their arms attached to this huge wheel thing in the air while doing complicated acrobatics at the same time, an Induhvidual behind me said to her companion, "That must take a lot of practice."
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At my bookstore a customer returned three of Shakespeare's books because, "The DARN things are in the form of PLAYS!"
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At the grocery store, the checkout woman scanned all of my items then picked up the rubber divider and looked it over for the bar code so she could scan it. She asked, "Do you know how much this is?"
I said, "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today."
She said, "Okay." I paid her and left.
Dilbert Fodder ---------------
What's bugging you about your job? Let me know and you might see it in a Dilbert comic or newsletter. The best comic fodder involves workplace peeves, devious strategies, frustrations of dealing with others, conflicting objectives, unintended management consequences, and of course my favorite - idiot bosses.
And I love True Tales of Induhviduals.
And if you're seeing any new management trends that need to be mocked, I can help. Send your suggestions to me at
scottadams@aol.com. Short ones are better.
All submissions to Scott Adams and/or Dilbert.com shall become the exclusive property of United Media and Scott Adams, and they will have the right to use them free of charge, in any manner and in any medium, forever and throughout the world.
Please do not reply to the address the newsletter is mailed from.
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