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John Cleese Essay on War


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  Post Number #1  
Old 12th April 2011, 04:43 PM
SteelMaiden's Avatar
SteelMaiden

 
 
Total Posts: 4,196
Laughing John Cleese Essay on War

ALERTS TO THREATS IN 2011 : BY JOHN CLEESE

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Libya and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved."Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even “A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out.
Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are “Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France’s white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country’s military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance” to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain:"Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is canceled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

-- John Cleese - British writer, actor and tall person
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  Post Number #2  
Old 12th April 2011, 05:03 PM
True Position's Avatar
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Re: John Cleese Essay on War

I wonder why he passed on including one about America.
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  Post Number #3  
Old 12th April 2011, 05:46 PM
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Total Posts: 191
Re: John Cleese Essay on War

Quote:
In Reply to Parent Post by True Position View Post

I wonder why he passed on including one about America.
I think he passed on the U.S. because the entire thing is a parody of our inane system.
  Post Number #4  
Old 12th April 2011, 06:06 PM
True Position's Avatar
True Position

 
 
Total Posts: 669
Re: John Cleese Essay on War

Quote:
In Reply to Parent Post by WCHorn View Post

I think he passed on the U.S. because the entire thing is a parody of our inane system.
Right, but that only multiplies the humour potential.
  Post Number #5  
Old 12th April 2011, 06:07 PM
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Total Posts: 25,791
Re: John Cleese Essay on War

Quote:
In Reply to Parent Post by WCHorn View Post

I think he passed on the U.S. because the entire thing is a parody of our inane system.
That would be my bet.
  Post Number #6  
Old 12th April 2011, 07:14 PM
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Total Posts: 14,161
Re: John Cleese Essay on War

Quote:
In Reply to Parent Post by SteelMaiden View Post

ALERTS TO THREATS IN 2011 : BY JOHN CLEESE

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Libya and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved."Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even “A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out.
Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are “Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France’s white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country’s military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance” to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain:"Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is canceled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

-- John Cleese - British writer, actor and tall person
This has been circulating for at least three or four years, and didn't originate with Cleese. The earliest I can find is here and I don't know whether the guy who posted it originated it or not. It seems that in this latest incarnation, the last paragraph has been added.
  Post Number #7  
Old 13th April 2011, 02:42 AM
Claes Gefvenberg's Avatar
Claes Gefvenberg

 
 
Total Posts: 4,952
Yin Yang Re: John Cleese Essay on War

All things considered, it adds a new dimension when you imagine the above text read by John Cleese: Few people have his ability to talk about serious matters in a way that reduces you to tears of laughter, and that is true talent.

/Claes
  Post Number #8  
Old 13th April 2011, 06:44 AM
howste's Avatar
howste

 
 
Total Posts: 4,820
Re: John Cleese Essay on War

It seems John Cleese has had more than one of these humorous stories attributed to him. Here's one about the USA's revocation of Independence: http://www.snopes.com/politics/satire/revocation.asp
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