Audit Horror Stories

J

jmp4429

#1
Okay, getting ready for our surveillance audit next month, and starting to feel pretty frazzled. I know we have a few "Funniest Audit Stories" threads going on, but I'm wondering if anyone has any good horror stories that didn’t fall under the funny category. Just to freak me out.

One that comes to my mind, from a place I used to work wasn’t a QMS audit, but an audit of the plant by the top-top-top management of the corporation. The president of the division was going to be there – very big deal. It was never stated, but I think he was there to decide the fate of the plant.

We 5Sed our butts off for days prior to the audit. Dotted all our i’s and crossed all our t’s. Took down the outdated birds-eye view pictures of the plant and hired a helicopter and photographer to take new ones. Stripped and re-varnished the wooden paneling in the lobby that the sun had faded over 30 years. Washed the fork trucks. Pulled up all the aisle marking tape and put down new. You get the idea.

The first day of the audit, the VP of the division wandered away from the tour group without saying a word just as they were standing near the Spare Parts crib. He started to climb the stairway that goes to a loft where we kept ‘bulk’ spare parts such as rubber hosing. Curious, everyone followed him up the stairs. At the top of the stairs, he opened a door that probably hadn’t been opened in 10 years. Seriously, most of the employees at that plant didn’t even realize the room was there. And it was packed full of stuff. Old parts (probably nonconforming, though not marked), stacks and stacks of mystery documents, pieces of machines… all covered with 10 years worth of dust. I have to assume the room had been used as a ‘trailer’ to hide a bunch of stuff before an audit long ago, but I don’t know that for sure – nobody really does.

You can imagine how many hearts stopped as he turned that doorknob…. We got a good chewing out at the audit wrap-up for that.

So, come on, any really good horror stories?
 
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Q

qualeety

#2
a very funny story...........

the company hired a consulting company to evaluate the VA/VE. After two months of investigation, the consulting company wrote the following in its final report..."you have more directors than Hollywood"....

and yes, the company promoted all ex-plant managers to directors....and had more directors than plant managers...

as you would have guessed it, the consulting company (a very reputable one, i might add) was never invited back for other consulting works.....

sometimes, it pays to say what the customer wants to hear.....:bonk:
 

SteelMaiden

Super Moderator
Super Moderator
#4
Auditor from H E double toothpicks. She was trying to drum up business for her consulting firm, so she hit us with everything she could, so that we'd hire her to "fix" it.

Yelled at our employees. These are big tough guys, she had them curled up in fetal positions sucking their thumbs and crying for Mama. She told me that I should be fired for incompetence.

Her report was totally unreadable when she sent it back, the grammar was that bad. She included findings about equipment areas that we don't even have! 38 major findings, she was back four times to follow up.

She was finally fired, new auditors came in and could not understand how come what they saw and what she saw was so contradictory. I told them that we hadn't really changed anything other than add a couple of things they asked for (PPAP type requirements) Of the original 38 items, only one of them was really valid, the rest were things she didn't want to go to the proper person to find evidence.
 

Stijloor

Staff member
Super Moderator
#5
Auditor from H E double toothpicks. She was trying to drum up business for her consulting firm, so she hit us with everything she could, so that we'd hire her to "fix" it.

Yelled at our employees. These are big tough guys, she had them curled up in fetal positions sucking their thumbs and crying for Mama. She told me that I should be fired for incompetence.

Her report was totally unreadable when she sent it back, the grammar was that bad. She included findings about equipment areas that we don't even have! 38 major findings, she was back four times to follow up.

She was finally fired, new auditors came in and could not understand how come what they saw and what she saw was so contradictory. I told them that we hadn't really changed anything other than add a couple of things they asked for (PPAP type requirements) Of the original 38 items, only one of them was really valid, the rest were things she didn't want to go to the proper person to find evidence.
How in the world did she get hired to start with? :D

Stijloor.
 
D

D.Scott

#6
Steel,

Any chance she had the same initials as "The Duke"? Sure sounds like Rooster Cogburn to me. LOL.

Dave
 
S

somerqc

#7
I have an odd one.

My normal auditor is unfortunately off on sick leave. So, I have a different auditor for my surveillance audit next week. They first asked me if I wanted the "helper" auditor that was here for the registratrion audit.

I kindly said no.

Why? This auditor liked to apply medical device and nuclear standard requirements to our point of purchase and retail display business. Yes, it was quite humourous to try to explain to her that we don't need to have the level of restrictions that those industries do! :frust: Fortunately, the lead auditor had a much more level head and realized that by not having some of these items in place we were not affecting the quality of the product OR customer satisfaction.

Oh well - we shall see what this auditor does. Considering what has been going on here lately it should be interesting.:notme:
 

SteelMaiden

Super Moderator
Super Moderator
#8
This was a customer audit, who knows how the hiring process went. I know there are other threads here relating to this audit (unethical representation as an accreditation board auditor, etc.) but, the past is the past, i've let it go. (but it is still good for a few laughs every now and again:lol:)
 
C

Craig H.

#10
I don't know if I posted this here before, but if its here it was posted a while ago.

This was more than 10 years ago, one of our very first, if not the first, ISO 9000 audit. I had several 3 ring binders prepared, location specific, for each of the processes we had, with laminated and signed copies of the relevant procedures, etc., in each. We went to one of the Operators, for a process where the manual was located next door (40 feet away) because of the nature of the process. The auditor asked to see the Operator's manual, and out it comes. The Operator had made his very own, which was incomplete and had out-of-date unauthorized and uncontrolled copies in it. Oh boy.

The auditor saw what must have been a look of horror on my face and started to laugh and shake his head. I explained to the Operator (again) where his manual was. He said, yeah, but this is right here, or something like that.

The auditor gave us a break and we ended up with a minor, because that was the only problem of that type found.

By the next audit, the operator had his very own, official, manual.
 
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