Dogs vs. Wives

[Bill Ryan - 2007]

26 reasons why men have 2 dogs and not 2 wives or sweethearts:

1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.
2. Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.
3. If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.
4. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
5. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
6. A dog's parents never visit.
7. Dogs do not hate their bodies.
8. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
9. Dogs like to do their snooping outside rather than in your wallet or desk.
10. Dogs seldom outlive you.
11. Dogs can't talk.
12. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.
13. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
14. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
15. Another man will seldom steal your dog.
16. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"
17. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
18. A dog will let you put a studded collar on them without calling you a pervert.
19. A dog won't hold out on you to get a new car.
20. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.
21. On a car trip, your dog never insists on running the heater.
22. Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives.
23. When your dog gets old, you can have it put to sleep.
24. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pick-up truck.
25. Dogs are not allowed in Bloomingdale's or Neiman-Marcus.

And, last but not least:

26. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.

 

[Hershal]

27. Or sue for ALIMONY!!!!

 

[Jen Kirley]

I should be offended, but I have to agree--only switch genders.

I went through five relationships with men, some quite painful--and had the same dog, my best friend through all.

Nice doggie!

 

[Hershal]

Can't argue with that Jennifer......I can only say I am happily divorced (twice)......

 

[Bill Ryan - 2007]

I should be offended,.....

I hope no one actually takes offense. It just brought a smile to my face toward the end of a trying day with customer "conversations" and thought I'd share it.

 

[Cari Spears]

Retaliation



It is good to be a woman:

1. We got off the Titanic first.
2. We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorders.
3. Taxis stop for us.
4. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
5. No fashion faux pas we make could ever rival the Speedo.
6. We don't have to pass gas to amuse ourselves.
7. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
8. We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her rear end.
9. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
10. We have the ability to dress ourselves.
11. We can talk to the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
12. We will never regret piercing our ears.
13. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
14. We can make comments about how silly men are in their presence because they aren't listening anyway.

 

[Bill Ryan - 2007]

Touché

 

[Jim Wynne]

We can make comments about how silly men are in their presence because they aren't listening anyway.

Would you mind repeating that?

 

[Sue]

Tailgating

An honest man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman hit the roof and the horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection. As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.
After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.
He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do?' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car."
Unfortunately I relate.

 

[Sue]

When you are good............

A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and
said, "You have been a good cat all these years. Anything
you want is yours for the asking."

The cat thought for a mnute and then said, "All my life I
lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would
like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on."

God said, "Say no more." Instantly the cat had a huge
fluffy pillow.

A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and
they all went to Heaven together. God met the mice at the
gates with the same offer that He made to the cat.

The mice said, "Well, we have had to run all of our lives:
from cats, dogs and even people with brooms! If we could
just have some little roller skates, we would not have to
run again."

God answered, "It is done." All the mice had beautiful
little roller skates.

About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He
found her sound asleep on her fluffly pillow. God gently
awakened the cat and asked, "Is everything okay? How have
you been doing? Are you happy?"

The cat replied, "Oh, it is WONDERFUL. I have never been so
happy in my life. The pillow is so fluffy, and those little
Meals on Wheels you have been sending over are delicious!"


Can you tell I don't feel like bowling into it today?!