European Council Requirements for Small Businesses

#1
This document is a light hearted look at certain Directives from Europe.


In accordance with the Directives 2000/76/EC, 89/429/EEC and 89/369/EEC issued by the European Council for Small Businesses during the last 15 months, the following mandatory statement is made for, and on behalf of, The Company, for calibration, consultancy and training provided in the United Kingdom, and parts of the British Empire specified in any contract undertaken. This includes PPC applications made to SEPA but not yet determined, and future members of the European Onion not stated elsewhere.

1) The Company recognise and accept the European Working Hours Directive, and will ensure that all employees, staff, consultants and contractors only work when they want to.

2) Genetically modified crops are not used in any production process, but they may be used in experimental situations, where the end user has been notified of such use accordingly. The consultancy process seeks exemption from this clause due to the unpredictable nature of the EN ratio.

3) Calibrations may have been completed on machines where nuts have been processed, used or employed therefore none of the product supplied by The Company can be guaranteed to be free from nut races.

4) The National Health Council has determined that cigarette smoking can cause cancer and eventually lead to death. However, quicker methods of death are available, such as, abseiling off sheer rock faces without ropes, jumping in front of moving trains, parachuting without a parachute, poking gorillas with sticks, taking showers with electrical appliances, counting votes in Florida, big game holidays in Baghdad, eating burgers made with mad cow diseased meat, going to Bristol hospital for treatment, and writing unauthorised documents.

5) The fat content of the product will be less than 0.1g/100g by weight. (As determined by the Brussels’ Convention of 2001, process reference for a homogeneous slab.)

6) Calibration results contain approximately 65.86% of the recommended daily allowance (RDA) of data for a normal full grown adult. (Government figures for the urban cycle)

7) No more than three tea breaks should be taken in any one 24-hour period. Do not continue this dosage for more than 96 hours. If the symptoms persist, seek advice from your doctor. This product is not suitable for children under the age of 2 years.

8) Not to be mixed with any other medication.

9) Calibration, training and consultancy may cause drowsiness. If this happens, do not drive or operate machinery. If necessary, open a widow, drink, take strong coffee and take a break from work as soon as possible. It is forbidden to stop the hard on shoulder.

10) The site speed limit for motorised vehicles inside the factory is 20 miles per hour.

11) Vehicles, contents and owners are left in the parking area at their own risk, The Company, cannot, will not, and are just not, interested in any clams.

12) The aura around the vending machine may contain certain trace elements that could affect people with photosensitive epilepsy. Caution should be exorcised whilst in this area.

13) Preserve nature, wear a crash helmet at all times while riding or driving.

14) Additives and enhancements have been used in the process, typically E300, E320, E451 (part IV), artificial flavourings and colourings, cocoa powder, sweeteners, citric acid, ecstasy and less than 0.01% of crack cocaine. There may be evidence of elements present not as stated above, but have been accepted under the Maastricht Treaty of March 1989, providing a statement is made to that effect.

15) All certificates are produced from 1.3% recycled paper.

16) Safety glasses have been supplied for you to keep safely.

17) These machines have been adjusted to run on unleaded diesel fuel.

18) This product is not suitable for vegetarians, vegans, diabetics, expectant children, patients with pacemakers or colostomy bags, pregnant women, poof's, people with ginger hair or smokers.

19) The laboratory environment may contain scenes of a violent and graphical nature, excessive use of offensive language, REDACTED references, flashing lights and depictions not suitable for children under the age of 18 years. It may also contain mildly scary moments, parental guidance is advised.

20) The picture is a serving suggestion only, and does not refer to any person living or dead, any resemblance is purely coincidental and should not be construed as a likeness.

21) Closed Circuit Television may be used to record images for the entertainment of staff.

22) Telephone calls will be monitored, recorded, stored by electronic means, paper tape, gramophone record or digitally enhanced for no other purpose other than because we can.

23) Electric fencing could be in place where animals are grazing, and should not be brought into contact with living creatures, either by design or wilful means.

24) The Data Protection Act 1856 applies to the records retained by The Company prior to 1975, all records might be available for inspection, this is not guaranteed, but the standard fee is still payable at the counter.

24) Have a nice day!

25) This section left blank.

26) So is this one.


Happy Christmas
Paul
 
Elsmar Forum Sponsor
D

DiplomaGirl

#2
That must have taken a lot of work! Well done! Good stuff.

I've heard that the EU are going to put £15 on shoes! I am going to go bankrupt if that happens... I can't pass a shoe shop!
 
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