I need good advice to give a single mom searching for answers

[biboy2012]

Not a Quality topic but nevertheless, here goes :

1. How will I know if this man is really for me?
2. If not, what will I do if there are no potential spouses around?
3. Can the woman make the first move?

Said single lady is a former officemate of mine finally got out of her dead-end relationship. Initially, I advised her to make herself busy and attractive.

Any input would be appreciated.

 

[Jen Kirley]

There is no formula for recognizing Mr. Right, but it helps to have enough emotional intelligence to pinpoint the nature and reasons for attraction. The high divorce rate hints that we are often not very good at this; your friend might benefit by interviewing some couples who have been happily married for many decades.

If Mr. Right is not in the vicinity we cannot produce him from sheer will; it is within our power to choose to like ourselves enough to tolerate solitude, or achieve needed social fulfillment through friendships.

The woman can make the first move as long as she and he are both comfortable with it.

 

[biboy2012]

There is no formula for recognizing Mr. Right, but it helps to have enough emotional intelligence to pinpoint the nature and reasons for attraction. The high divorce rate hints that we are often not very good at this; your friend might benefit by interviewing some couples who have been happily married for many decades.

If Mr. Right is not in the vicinity we cannot produce him from sheer will; it is within our power to choose to like ourselves enough to tolerate solitude, or achieve needed social fulfillment through friendships.

The woman can make the first move as long as she and he are both comfortable with it.

I took the liberty of adding a question. I'll tweak my officemate/single lady's question #2:

Assuming that Mr. Right/potential spouse is around... What can you advice if no one is courting her?

 

[Jen Kirley]

I took the liberty of adding a question. I'll tweak my officemate/single lady's question #2:

Assuming that Mr. Right/potential spouse is around... What can you advice if no one is courting her?

Good relationships generally have attraction from both sides. If no one is courting me, it is up to me to be comfortable enough with myself and my friends to find contentment there. My experience is when we are overly needful it can apply pressure to a relationship; in my view we can only be truly at peace in a relationship with someone else if we are at peace with ourselves. My experience is that the true "Mr. Right" will in fact be attracted to that and will present himself in due time.

 

[biboy2012]

Good relationships generally have attraction from both sides. If no one is courting me, it is up to me to be comfortable enough with myself and my friends to find contentment there. My experience is when we are overly needful it can apply pressure to a relationship; in my view we can only be truly at peace in a relationship with someone else if we are at peace with ourselves. My experience is that the true "Mr. Right" will in fact be attracted to that and will present himself in due time.

Well thought out answer as always.
Going back to question #3,

The woman can make the first move as long as she and he are both comfortable with it.

It is a man´s role to court or pursue a woman, isn't it?

 

[RoxaneB]

It is a man´s role to court or pursue a woman, isn't it?

This may be a cultural aspect and is also dependent upon personalities. Most men that I associate with do not want a passive woman. They are looking for a woman who is confident in herself and is strong enough to go after something (or someone) that she wants. They like a equal...a partner...as this kind of person is most likely able to understand them. Come to think of it, most men that I associate with are thrilled and flattered when a woman pursues them.

All of that being said, I can appreciate that there are some cultures where the woman's "role" in a relationship (potential or established) is one of submission and allowing the man to...well...be the man.

At the end of the day, it all depends on what a person is looking for in a potential spouse or partner.

There is a phrase by Marilyn Monroe that says "if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as he** don't deserve me at my best." The way I look at it, if a man can not handle me when I am strong, then I certainly do not want him by my side when I am weak.

 

[BradM]

Well... here's my opinion from a dumb guy. I'm certainly no catch, but I've at least been trained well enough by my wife. We celebrated our 24th anniversary last week.

Certainly courting rituals have changed since I was in high school. Notably, texting has become a big part of dating. Too (to your point) it is now considered more acceptable for women to initiate the first date and such.

Does your friend go to a church? What about a social club/civic group? What kind of hobbies does your friend have?

I really believe that a good way to start off a relationship is to base it off of some common belief systems, interests, etc. This way... you can first develop a friendship.

In my opinion... guys are not usually seeking out commitment and such. But commitment comes once they find someone they are really attracted to and want to spend time with.

Also, I would think a woman asking a guy out would be more successful once an initial relationship has formed. If... say... your friend meets a guy at a shooting range, she may can ask him if he wants to go to a local gun show or something. Or if they are at work, they first establish they like a local comedy club.

 

[BradM]

This may be a cultural aspect and is also dependent upon personalities. Most men that I associate with do not want a passive woman. They are looking for a woman who is confident in herself and is strong enough to go after something (or someone) that she wants. They like a equal...a partner...as this kind of person is most likely able to understand them. Come to think of it, most men that I associate with are thrilled and flattered when a woman pursues them.

You?? Passive??


I would tend to agree with you. However, there are varying degrees. I've seen some very pretty (but very pushy) women that I would have no interest in. But I think you hit upon it when you said "confident".

For example, I like eye contact (men or women; teenagers; etc.) So when I talk to a woman who stares at the ground and such, it drives me nuts.

I know that there are cultural issues where one may not want to have eye contact. But hopefully that is something that can be adjusted at the right time.

... It's hard. It's tough for a man or woman to get the courage to ask someone out, get the timing right, etc.

 

[Stijloor]

My

Dear Abby.....

Ask Ann Landers....

 

[somashekar]

Not a Quality topic but nevertheless, here goes :

1. How will I know if this man is really for me?
2. If not, what will I do if there are no potential spouses around?
3. Can the woman make the first move?

Said single lady is a former officemate of mine finally got out of her dead-end relationship. Initially, I advised her to make herself busy and attractive.

Any input would be appreciated.

Hi biboy.. I will take some liberty. Do not get wild with me.
On matters such as this, there is no compulsion on oneself to provide an answer.
In fact the single mother may never be looking for an answer from you that will make her to heed to your advise.
Is she looking for an advice from you or just looking up for you ~~~
One has to trust oneself and then trust the other unconditionally. Sooner that later, under various circumstances it gets clear if the other person is worthy of placing the trust or not. Once lost, no matter what, its not worth building over. In all these matters trust your intuition and equally balance the heart and the mind, practically.
Sooo.. Some questions to your questions >>>

1. How will I know if this man is really for me?

Are you the man in her eyes ?

2. If not, what will I do if there are no potential spouses around?

Do you trust yourself and have the potential in you ?

3. Can the woman make the first move?

The first move is made in this question. Did you read it ?