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Jokes for a smile :)

B

Bjourne

#1
A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender hands him the beer and says "You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! I have a question though, why is your head so small?"

The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times.

"One day," he begins, "I was hunting when I got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help and finally realized that it was coming from a frog sitting next to a stream. So I picked up the frog and it said "Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you 3 wishes."

"So I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman. She said, "You now have 3 wishes."

"I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, "I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenegger." She nodded, whispered a spell, and POOF! there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked! She then asked, "What will be your second wish?" I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, "I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream."

"She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. We then made love for hours! Later, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, "You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?"

"I looked at her and replied, "How about a little head?"...POOF!

-----

A man was gifted a parrot for his birthday. A couple of days later he found out that the bird has such bad habits and an even worse vocabulary. Every word screeched by the parrot was rude, obnoxious and laced with swearwords. After parting with swearing words the bird would poop!

Not wanting to return the bird and hurt his friend he tried educating the bird, teaching some good words here and there...,This went on for a couple of days more but the parrot would still swear and talk obnoxiously bad. He finally lost patience and yelled at the parrot to shut up.

The parrot swore even more profusely, which made the man haul it out of its cage and shake it furiously, but the more the parrot was shook the angrier it became.

In desperation, the man grabbed the bird and threw it in the freezer and closed the lid shut. For a few minutes the parrot swore some more, kicked and squawked, wildly and then a long scream!.....then there was total silence.

That hit the man and fearing he'd gone too far, quickly opened the freezer. The parrot very calmly stepped out of the freezer..head bowed down in humility then said:

"I believe I may have offended you with my rude and vulgar language and my pooping. I'm very sorry for all the trouble I've caused you and I intend to do make up for my obnoxious behavior."

Stunned at the contrite reaction by the parrot, he welcomed it with outstretched arms.

"Aww..come to Papa birdie!" the man said.

The bird jumped onto his arm..looked at him humbly. But as he was about to ask what had caused such a dramatic change in attitude, the bird spoke, very softly.

"Papa, if it's not too much trouble, may I ask what the chicken in the freezer did?"


----

Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them.

The first bull says, "Boys, we all know I've been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don't know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, but I?m not giving him any of mine.

The second bull says, "That pretty much says it for me, too. I've been here 3 years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we've agreed are mine. I'll fight him till I run him off or kill him, but I'M KEEPIN' ALL MY COWS."

The third bull says, "I've only been here a year, and so far you guys have only let me have 10 cows to "take care of". I may not be as big as you fellows yet, but I am young and virile, so I simply MUST keep all MY cows."

They had just finished their big talk when an eighteen- wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only ONE ANIMAL IN IT: the biggest Son-of- Another-Bull these guys had ever seen!!! At 4700pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point. It had a chain instead of a rope and it snorted as if it was a dinosaur!!! Then all of a sudden...it looked straight at the 3 bulls!

The first bull says, "Ahem...You know, it's actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend."

The second bull says, "I'll have plenty of cows to take care of if I'd just stay on the opposite end of the pasture away from HIM. I'm certainly not looking for an argument with that beast."

They look over at their young friend, the third bull, and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting up a storm. Wanting to charge!

The first bull says, "Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it."

The third bull says, "Heck, he can have ALL my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'M A BULL, damn grunt that size might mistake me for a cow!!!


:)
 
M

mguilbert

#2
Here is one that I believe Joan Rivers would laugh at.

Last Sunday at Joan Rivers funeral the fashion police showed up. They said that they would not be found dead in the outfit she was buried in.
 

kgott

Quite Involved in Discussions
#3
Two blond blokes were builders and they were nailing the roof on a house. Every so often one blond bloke would throw a nail over the side.

Curiosity got the better of the other bloke so he said "why the hell are you throwing those nails away?"

The other blond bloke said "cos the head's on the wrong end!"

The other blond bloke says " Ahhh for christ sake mate there's no need to throw 'em away, we can use 'em to nail the ceiling on with."
 
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S

sakshisinha

#4
Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room. The teacher says, "Why are you arguing?"
One boy answers, "We found a ten dollor bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie."
"You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher, "When I was your age I didn't even know what a lie was."
The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.
 
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