More Dumb Jokes - Adults Only Please!!!

I

IEGeek - 2006

A Trainning Session

A trainning session for investigation was held in Virginia for various agencies and at the end an exercise was held. A white bunny was released into the wild and two representatives from different agencies were sent in to apprehend it. Two personnel from the CIA went after their bunny and returned in ten minutes. Then two representatives from the FBI went into the woods and returned an hour later with their bunny. Then two LA homicide detectives were sent into the woods to apprehend their bunny and the hours went by......finally 5 hours later the two LA homicide detectives reappear. One is dragging a bear by the scruff of his neck and the other detective is kicking the bear in the cojones and the bear is yelling "O.K.....I'm a bunny, I'm a bunny".

African King

The beautiful secretary of the president of a bank goes on a sightseeing tour with a very rich African king who was a very important client. The client out of the blue asks her to marry him. Naturally, the secretary is quite taken aback. However, she remembers that her boss told her not to reject the guy outright. So, she tries to think of a way to dissuade the king from wanting to marry her. After a few minutes, the woman says to the man, "I will only marry you under three conditions. First, I want my engagement ring to be a 75-carat diamond ring with a matching 200-carat diamond tiara." The African king pauses for awhile.

Then he nods his head and says, "No problem! I have. I have."

Realizing her first condition was too easy the woman says to the man, "I want you to build me a 100-room mansion in New York. And as a vacation home, I want a chateau built in the middle of the best wine country in France." The African king pauses for awhile. He whips out his cellular phone and calls some brokers in New York and in France.

He looks at the woman, nods his head and says, "Okay, okay. I build. I build."

Realizing that she only has one last condition, the secretary knows that she'd better make this a good one. She takes her time to think and finally she gets an idea, a sure-to-work condition. She squints her eyes, looks at the man and says, rather coldly, "Since I like amorous relations, I want the man I marry to have a 14-inch you know what." The man seems a bit disturbed. He cups his face with his hands and rests his elbows on the table, all the while muttering in African dialect.

Finally, after what seemed like forever, the king shakes his head, looking really sad, and says to the woman, "Okay, okay. I cut. I cut."

Bubba and Junior

Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole.
A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.
"We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder."
The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her packet, took a measurement, announce, "Eighteen feet, six inches,"
and walked away.
Junior shook his head and laughed, "Ain't that just like a dumb blonde. We ask for the height, and she gives us the length."

Spanish lesson...

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. ''House'' for instance, is feminine: ''la casa.'' ''Pencil,'' however, is masculine: el lápiz.''

A student asked, ''What gender is 'computer'?'' Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether ''computer'' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that ''computer'' should definitely be of the feminine gender (''la computadora''), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending
half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador''), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.

As we age...

As we age, our priorities change . The other day I came home and was greeted by my wife, dressed only in very sexy underwear and holding a couple of short velvet ropes.
"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."
So, I tied her up and went golfing.

Too smart for the 1st grade

First-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students.
The teacher asked, "Harry, what is your problem?"
Harry answered,"I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"
Ms. Brooks had now had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained the situation to the principal. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would
give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9"
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36"
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions." The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Harry, after a moment: "Legs."
Ms. Brooks: "What do you have in your pants that I do not have in mine?"
The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question?
Harry replied: "Pockets."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants"
Ms. Brooks: What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?
Harry: "Coconut"
Ms. Brooks: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer.
Harry: "Bubble gum"
Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?" The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer.
Harry: "Shake hands"
Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck"
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong."
 
N

nickh - 2011

Some corny and tasteless ones from my archive:

----------

A boy takes his dog to the vet for a check up. The vet picks up the dog and examines its teeth and eyes, then says, "I'm going to have to put you down."
The boy looks at him teary eyed and asks "What's wrong with him?"
The vet replies "Nothing, my arms are tired."

----------

Q: What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.

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Two cannibals are eating a clown. One turns to the other, and says "Does this taste funny to you?"

----------

Q: How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: 2, but I don't know how they got in there.

----------

Three women had a very late night drinking. They left in the early morning hours and went home their separate ways.

The next day, they all met and compared notes about who was drunker the night before. The first girl claims that she was the drunkest, saying, "I drove straight home and walked into the house. As soon as I got through the door, I blew chunks."

The second said, "You think that was drunk? ****, I got into my car and wrapped my car around the first tree I saw. I don't even have insurance!"

The third proclaimed, "****, I was the drunkest by far. When I got home, I got into a big fight with my husband, knocked a candle over, and burned the whole house down!"

The room was silent for a moment. Then, the first girl spoke out again, "Listen girls, I don't think you understand. Chunks is my dog."

-----------

These two dogs were talking one day, and one decides to tell the other a joke:

Dog 1: These two cows were talking one day, and...
Dog 2: Wait a minute, cows can't talk.

-----------

Two West Virginia mountain boys, Jim and Bob, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer. Jim turns to Bob and says, "You know, I'm tard of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the community college and sign up for some classes."

Bob thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave.

The next day Jim goes down to the college and meets the dean of admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: math, English, history, and logic.

"Logic?" Jim says. "What's zat?"

The dean says, "I'll show you. Do you own a weed eater?"

"Yeah."

"Then logically because you own a weed eater, I think that you would have a yard."

"That's true, I do have a yard."

"I'm not done," the dean says. "Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house."

"Yes, I do have a house."

"And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family."

"I have a family."

"I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife."

"Yes, I do have a wife."

"And because you have a wife, then logically you must be a heterosexual."

"I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a weed eater."

Excited to take the class now, Jim shakes the dean's hand and leaves to go meet Bob at the bar.

He tells Bob about his classes, how he is signed up for math, English, history, and logic.

"Logic?" Bob says, "What's zat?"

Jim says, "I'll show you. Do you have a weed eater?"

"No."

"Yore queer ain'tcha Bob."
 
D

db

The day after his wife disappeared in a boating accident, an Ocean
City man answered his door to find two grim-faced Maryland State Troopers.

"We're sorry Mr. Rice, but we have some information about your wife,"
said one trooper.

"Tell me! Did you find her?" Rice?shouted.

The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news,
some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hearfirst?"

Fearing the worst, an ashen Rice said, "Give me the bad news first."

The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we
found your wife's body in the Assawoman Bay near the Rte 90 Bridge."

"Oh my God!" exclaimed Rice. Swallowing hard, he asked, What's the good news?"

The trooper continued. "When we pulled her up she had 12 huge blue
crabs and 6 good-size blue crabs on her."

Stunned, Mr. Rice? demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the
great news?"

The trooper said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow".

You just can't keep Marylanders away from their crabs.
 
T

tarheels4 - 2007

A bit of truth for the day

The girls my like this one. A girl sent it to me.

Subject: A bit of truth for the day

A bit of truth for today!!
Q. What should you do if you see your ex-husband
rolling around in
pain on the ground?
A. Shoot him again.

Q. How can you tell when a man is well-hung?
A. When you can just barely slip your finger in
between his neck and
the noose.

Q. Why do little boys whine?
A. Because they're practicing to be men.

Q. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. One - He just holds it up there and waits for the
world to
revolve
around him.
OR Three - one to screw in the bulb, and two to listen
to him brag
about
the
screwing part.

Q. What do you call a handcuffed man?
A. Trustworthy.

Q. What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping
for breath
and calling your name?
A. You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

Q. Why does it take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilize one
egg?
A. Because not one will stop and ask directions.

Q. Why do female black widow spiders kill their males
after mating?
A. To stop the snoring before it starts.

Q. Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the
toilet?
A. Because it helps them remember which end they need
to wipe.

Q .What is the difference between men and women...
A. A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A
man wants
every woman to satisfy his one need.

Q. How does a man keep his youth?
A. By giving her money, furs and diamonds.

Q. How do you keep your husband from reading your
e-mail?
A. Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals"
Send this to five bright, funny women you know and
make their day!!
And send this to five bright men because they have the
sense of humor
to
find this funny!

P.S. At least that is, if you can find 5 bright men
 
B

Bigfoot

Choices

The Cowboy and the Minister


A pompous minister was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Texas.



After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The cowboy asked for
a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him.


The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink. He
replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by brazen whores than let
liquor touch my lips." The cowboy then handed his drink back to the
attendant and said, "Me too. I didn't know we had a choice."
 

SteelMaiden

Super Moderator
Trusted Information Resource
Bigfoot said:
"I'd rather be savagely raped by brazen whores than let
liquor touch my lips." The cowboy then handed his drink back to the
attendant and said, "Me too. I didn't know we had a choice."

YEEEHAW!:biglaugh:
 
T

tarheels4 - 2007

Chinese Proverbs

CHINESE PROVERBS

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run in front of car get tired.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who scratch *** should not bite fingernails.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Panties not best thing on earth! But next to best thing on earth.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who drive like ****, bound to get there.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Now send it to 10 or more people.
Nothing will happen but 10 people will laugh.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
 

Wes Bucey

Prophet of Profit
Good thing we have a disclaimer at the head of this thread that it is for adults only. I sure would hate to be the one to explain these jokes to my 12-year-old granddaughter!
 
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