Oil Change, Kentucky and Other Humour

G

Greg Maggard

#11
Oil Change

>Oil Change
>
>Oil Change Instructions for Women:
>
> 1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000
> miles since the last oil change.
>
> 2) Drink a cup of coffee.
>
> 3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a
> properly maintained vehicle.
>
> Money spent:
>* Oil Change $20.00
>* Coffee $1.00
>* Total $21.00.
>
>
>Oil Change Instructions for Men:
>
> 1) Go to auto parts store and write a check for $50.00 for
>
> oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented
> tree.
>
> 2) Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead
> of taking it back go to O'Reilly's to recycle, dump in
> hole in back yard.
>
> 3) Open a beer and drink it.
>
> 4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
>
> 5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
>
> 6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
>
> 7) Place drain pan under engine.
>
> 8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
>
> 9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
>
>10) Unscrew drain plug.
>
>11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: get hot oil on you
> in the process.
>
>12) Clean up mess.
>
>13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
>
>14) Look for oil filter wrench.
>
>15) Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist
> off.
>
>16) Beer.
>
>17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Finish
> oil change tomorrow.
>
>18) Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath
> car.
>
>19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
>
>20) Beer. No, drank it all yesterday
>
>21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
>
>22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat
>
> of oil to gasket surface.
>
>23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
>
>24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
>
>25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
>
>26) Discover that the used oil is buried in a hole in the
> back yard along with drain plug. Say to self: IDIOT!!
>
>27) Drink beer.
>
>28) Uncover hole and sift for drain plug.
>
>29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the
> floor.
>
>30) Drink beer.
>
>31) Slip with wrench tightening drain plug and bang
> knuckles on frame.
>
>32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
>
>33) Begin cussing fit.
>
>34) Throw wrench.
>
>35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss
> December(1992)in the left boob.
>
>36) Beer.
>
>37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to
> stop blood flow.
>
>38) Beer.
>
>39) Beer.
>
>40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
>
>41) Beer.
>
>42) Lower car from jack stands.
>
>43) Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.
>
>44) Move car back, apply more kitty litter to fresh oil
> spilled during step 23.
>
>45) Beer.
>
>46) Test drive car.
>
>47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the
> influence.
>
>48) Car gets impounded.
>
>49) Make bail.
>
>50) Get car from impound yard.
>
> Money spent:
> * Parts $50.00
> * DUI $2500.00
> * Impound fee $75.00
> * Bail $1500.00
> * Beer $25.00
> * Total-- $4150.00
>
>---But you know the job was done right!
>:bonk: :bonk: :bonk: :ko:
 
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