Makrab,
This one certainly gave me a much better idea of what you do than the original one, and I think is a considerable improvement.
I don't know enough about your field to make much useful comment on the technicality/whether it sounds correct, etc, but. I think you're still using some of the TC model/view of the world, albeit having 'turned it on its side' and much expanded the 'product realisation part', although honesty compels me to admit some people like that (I'm not one of them). I had a query about a couple of the metrics (on p2) at the end of your list, but relatively mindor.
But ultimately, these kinds of models come down to what works for you and in your context. So the most important question of all is: does your management agree that this is a reasonably accurate model? Is it useful and used in your context?