Some Jokes to Lighten up the day

[gudivaka]

[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]A dentist, after completing work on a patient, came to him begging.[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Dentist: Could you help me? Could you give out a few of your loudest, most painful screams?[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Patient: Why? Docor, it wasn't all that bad this time.[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Dentist: There are so many people in the waiting room right now, and I don't want to miss the four o'clock ball game.

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The tired doctor was awakened by a phone call in the middle of the night. "Please, you have to come right over," pleaded the distraught young mother. "My child has swallowed a contraceptive."
The physician dressed quickly; but before he could get out the door, the phone rang again.
"You don't have to come over after all," the woman said with a sigh of relief. "My husband just found another one."

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A lady calls the police to report her husband is missing. The police arrive and ask for a description. She tells them he's 6 foot 2 inches tall, blonde wavy hair and has a smile that makes everybody love him. The police then go to the next door neighbor to verify this report and the lady next door tells the police, "You can't believe her. He's 5 foot 4 inches tall, has no hair and he wears a perpetual frown on his face." The neighbor then goes and asks the lady why she gave the police such a false report. She replies, "Just because I reported him missing, doesn't mean I wanted him back!"

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Q. What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common? [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial]A. They're married.

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A man was invited for dinner at a friend's house. Every time the host needed something, he preceded his request to his wife by calling her "My Love", "Darling", "Sweetheart", etc., etc. His friend looked at him and said, "That's really nice after all of these years you've been married to keep saying those little pet names." The host said, "Well, honestly, I've forgotten her name."

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[Keith Childers]

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A man was invited for dinner at a friend's house. Every time the host needed something, he preceded his request to his wife by calling her "My Love", "Darling", "Sweetheart", etc., etc. His friend looked at him and said, "That's really nice after all of these years you've been married to keep saying those little pet names." The host said, "Well, honestly, I've forgotten her name."

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Kinda reminds me of another one...

A man and his wife are celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary over a candlelit dinner at a fancy resturaunt.
Sitting at the table to the right is a couple on their honeymoon. The newlywed husband looks at his bride and says "Will you please pass me the honey, honey?".
Sitting at the table to their left is a couple celebrating their 2nd anniversary. The young man asks his wife "Will you please pass me the sugar, sugar?"
After hearing this the woman asks her husband of 25 years "Why don't you ever say nice things like that to me?"
The husband replies "OK, pass me the tea, bag."

 

[Stijloor]

A Wee Scottish Tale.

A man is cupping his hand to scoop water from a Highland burn.

A Gamekeeper shouts,
'Dinnae drink tha waater! Et's foo ae coo's sheet an pish!'

The man replies,
'My Good fellow, I'm from England. Could you repeat that in English for me'

The keeper replies,
'I said, use two hands - you spill less that way!!!

 

[Peter Fraser]

A Wee Scottish Tale.

A man is cupping his hand to scoop water from a Highland burn.

A Gamekeeper shouts,
'Dinnae drink tha waater! Et's foo ae coo's sheet an pish!'

The man replies,
'My Good fellow, I'm from England. Could you repeat that in English for me'

The keeper replies,
'I said, use two hands - you spill less that way!!!

Michty me - a Dutchman fa thinks jist like a Scotsman!

 

[Stijloor]

Michty me - a Dutchman fa thinks jist like a Scotsman!

Peter,

I'm from the Southern part of Holland...you don't want to know what the Northerners are saying about us!

Stijloor.

 

[Stijloor]

Housework was a woman's job, but one evening, Jenny arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one load of laundry in the washer and another in the dryer. Dinner was on the stove, and the table set. She was astonished!


It turns out that Ralph had read an article that said, 'Wives who work full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to have sex'.


The night went very well. The next day, she told her office friends all about it. 'We had a great dinner. Ralph even cleaned up the kitchen. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put it away. I really enjoyed the evening.'


'But what about afterward?' asked her friends.


'Oh, that........Ralph was too tired.'

 

[Ana Ideas]

Nice one!lol