The Elsmar Cove "Humour Thread" - CAUTION - 'Big Kid' Content

[Al Rosen]

Baked Beans

Once upon a time, there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for baked beans. She loved them but unfortunately, they had always had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her. Then one day she met a man and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry she thought to herself, "He is such a sweet and gentle man, he would never go for this carrying on." She made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Some months later her car broke down on the way home from work, since she lived in the country she called her husband and told him that she would be late because she had to walk home. On her way, she passed a small diner and the odor of the baked beans was more than she could stand. Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she would walk off any ill effects by the time she reached home. So, she stopped at the diner and before she knew it, she had consumed 3 large orders of baked beans.

All the way home she putt-putted, and upon arriving home she felt reasonably sure she could control it. Her husband seemed excited to see her and exclaimed elightedly, "Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded her and led her to her chair at the table. She seated herself and just as he was about to remove the blindfold from his wife, the telephone rang. He made her promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned. He then went to answer the telephone.

The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted her weight to one leg and let it go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of pulpwood mill. She took her napkin and fanned the air around her vigorously. Then she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more, which reminded her of cooked cabbage. Keeping her ears tuned to the conversation in the other room, she went on like this for another ten minutes. When the phone farewells signaled the end of her freedom, she fanned the air a few more times with her napkin, placed it on her lap and folded her hands upon it, smiling contentedly to herself.

She was the picture of innocence when her husband returned, apologizing for taking so long, he asked her if she peeked, and she assured him that she had not. At this point, he removed the blindfold,and she was surprised! There were twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish her a "Happy Birthday"

 

[Al Rosen]

Customer Service

A middle aged woman went to a Wal-Mart service counter and tells the clerk she wants a refund for the toaster she bought because it won't work.

The clerk tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on 'special'. Suddenly, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming! "KISS ME! KISS ME! KISS ME!!".

The befuddled clerk ran away to get the store manager in front of a growing crowd of customers. The manager goes to the woman and asks, "Ma'am what's wrong?"

She explained the problem with the toaster, and he tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special. Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming, "KISS ME! KISS ME! KISS ME!" And doing so draws an even more HUGE crowd!

In shock, the store manager pleads, "Ma'am, why are you saying that? In a huff, the woman says," BECAUSE, I LIKE TO BE KISSED WHEN I'M GETTING SCREWED!"

The crowd broke into applause and her money was quickly refunded.

 

[Wes Bucey]

Spellchecker humor

[font=Verdana,Sans-Serif]Daily Humor[/font][font=Verdana,Sans-Serif]February 1, 2005

[/font][font=Verdana,Sans-Serif]The new computer my sister, Jewell, and her husband bought had a program with a spell-check function, which they decided to try. My sister typed in her name, and the computer suggested the correction Jewel. "You don't know how to spell your own name," my brother-in-law said, laughing, as he typed in his name, Myron. No such word, according to the computer. It suggested Moron.[/font]
[font=Verdana,Sans-Serif]- submitted to Reader's Digest by Rita McGuffey[/font]

 

[RoxaneB]

[font=Verdana,Sans-Serif]Daily Humor[/font][font=Verdana,Sans-Serif]February 1, 2005

[/font][font=Verdana,Sans-Serif]The new computer my sister, Jewell, and her husband bought had a program with a spell-check function, which they decided to try. My sister typed in her name, and the computer suggested the correction Jewel. "You don't know how to spell your own name," my brother-in-law said, laughing, as he typed in his name, Myron. No such word, according to the computer. It suggested Moron.[/font]
[font=Verdana,Sans-Serif]- submitted to Reader's Digest by Rita McGuffey[/font]

Too funny and too true, as well. Before "adding" my names to the dictionary of my Word program, my favourite "suggestion" from Microsoft was Raisin Bayonette....or Raisin Baguette. My favourite depended on my mood at the time.

 

[Claes Gefvenberg]

Too funny and too true, as well. Before "adding" my names to the dictionary of my Word program, my favourite "suggestion" from Microsoft was Raisin Bayonette....or Raisin Baguette. My favourite depended on my mood at the time.

I have no such problems with my last name... When I try the same thing with a fresh spell checker I get no suggestions whatsoever...

/Claes

 

[Phil mil std]

Very Funny

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back...or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the testimonials of a few people who did.....


I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a
word.. he knew better.


I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by a good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me... Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."


My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.


While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab a hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons... I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter.


Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Lenny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said, "No." I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me."
Then I said, "Lenny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?"
"No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse.
Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Lenny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled. "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their
tacos laughing! He calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.

An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd
ever had!

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks.
What happens when you predict snow but don't get any...a true story.....We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

 

[Al Rosen]

Cowboy Boots

This Texas Teacher was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots? He asked for help and she could see why. Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. Finally, when the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost cried when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet."

She looked and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the right feet. He then announced, "These aren't my boots."

She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to, And once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet. No sooner than they got the boots off he said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear 'em."

Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry, but she mustered up the grace and courage that she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again. Helping him into his coat, she asked, "Now, where are your mittens?" He said, "I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots"

 

[Tim Folkerts]

And when they got the boots off again, he said "But my boots are sitting at home. My gloves aren't in these boots.

"

 

[Wes Bucey]

I've known folks who would have done this on purpose

[font=Verdana,Sans-Serif]Daily Humor[/font][font=Verdana,Sans-Serif]February 3, 2005

[/font][font=Verdana,Sans-Serif]The staff at the office where my wife works was hosting a farewell luncheon for a retiring colleague. As the group prepared to go to the restaurant, they found that they couldn't fit the giant balloon they had purchased for the guest of honor into the car. Undaunted, they simply held the balloon out the window as they drove. My wife and her co-workers weren't prepared for the glares they received from passers-by. As the long line of traffic in front of their vehicle began to turn, they saw that their car was right behind a funeral procession. There was nothing they could do but hold on to the balloon with its farewell message: "Gone but not forgotten."[/font]
[font=Verdana,Sans-Serif]- submitted to Reader's Digest by David W. Voegel[/font]

 

[Al Rosen]

A lady walks into a drug store

A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide.

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord, have mercy I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license, they'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not!. You can NOT have any cyanide!"

The lady quietly reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well, now. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."