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The Elsmar Cove "Humour Thread" - CAUTION - 'Big Kid' Content

Silent Gas

Mary was a 60-ish spinster who went to see her doctor.
"What brought you here today, Mary?" asked the doctor.
"Oh, doctor. It's so embarrassing." she said very loudly. "I'm afflicted with silent gas! Whenever I go out among people, I have these silent gas attacks and they smell very bad. When it happens in church, people look around and I'm sure they think it must be me. Why, in fact, I've had several attacks while I've been here in your office. What do you think it could be?"
"Well, Mary. The first thing we're going to do is check your hearing."
 
S

Sirlard

Have you been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, "Surely I can't look that old?" This is one of my favorites.

I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his DDS diploma, which bore his full name. Suddenly,
I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 40-odd years ago.
Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to
have been my classmate.
After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Lawton Senior High School.
"Yes. Yes, I did. I'm a Wolverine," he gleamed with pride.
"When did you graduate?" I asked.
He answered, "In 1968. Why do you ask?"
"You were in my class!" I exclaimed.
He looked at me closely.
Then, that ugly, old, wrinkled s.o.b. asked, "What did you teach?"
 

Al Rosen

Staff member
Super Moderator
Alleged Analogies and Metaphors Found in High School Essays

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently
compressed by a Thigh Master.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like
underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy
who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those
boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high
schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of
those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was
room-temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just
before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly
surcharge-free ATM.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling
ball wouldn't.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled
with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie,
surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy
comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry
them in hot grease.

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the
grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left
Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19
p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that
resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had
also never met.

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East
River.

18. Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only
one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this
plan just might work.

21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating
for a while.

22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a
real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or
something.

23. The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg
behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with
power tools.

25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if
she were a garbage truck backing up.

26. Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any
pH cleanser.

27. She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

28. It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to
the wall.
 

SteelMaiden

Super Moderator
Super Moderator
:lmao: :lmao: :lmao: Some of those I could only shake my head and laugh! A couple reminded me of stuff my own two teenagers would come up with. Thanks Al!

How would anybody know what ..... never mind!
 

Al Rosen

Staff member
Super Moderator
Abbott And Costello's Computer Conversation

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their
infamous sketch, "Who's on first?" might have turned
out something like this:

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den
and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at
the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer
and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can
use to write proposals, track expenses and run my
business.
What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend
anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK,
let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want
to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you
don't start with some straight answers. OK, forget
that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?

ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.

COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I
watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I
need!

ABBOTT: Real One.

COSTELLO: If it's a long movie, I also want to watch
reels 2, 3 and 4.

Can I watch them?

ABBOTT: Of course.

COSTELLO: Great! With what?

ABBOTT: Real One.

COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a
movie. What do I do?

ABBOTT: You click the blue "1".

COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?

ABBOTT: The blue "1".

COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue w?

ABBOTT: The blue "1" is Real One and the blue "W" is
Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: But there are three words in "office for
windows"!

ABBOTT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word
in the world.

COSTELLO: It is?

ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other
Words left. It

pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there.

COSTELLO: And that word is real one?

ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One
isn't even

part of Office.

COSTELLO: STOP! Don't start that again. What about
financial

bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my

money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer?
How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on "START".......
 
S

Sirlard

I went to the U.S. Patent Office to register some of my inventions. When I went to the main desk to sign in, the lady at the desk had a form that had to be filled out. She wrote down my personal information and then asked me what I had invented.

I said, "A folding bottle."

She said, "Okay, what do you call it?"

"A Fottle"

"What else do you have?"

"A folding carton."

"What do you call it?"

"A Farton."

She snickered and said, "Those are silly names for products and one of them sounds kind of crude."

I was so upset by her comment that I grabbed the form and left the office without telling her about my folding bucket.
 

Al Rosen

Staff member
Super Moderator
A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her
little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman
police officer that was also a blonde.

The cop asked to see the blonde's driver's license.
She dug through her purse and was getting
progressively more agitated. "What does it look like?"
she
finally asked.

The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your
picture on it."

The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it
and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she
said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed
it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize
you were a cop."
 
As I age, my wife worries more and more about me. This morning, while I was driving on the expressway, she called me on my cell phone.

"Oh honey," she said. "Please be careful. I just heard on the radio one maniac is driving the wrong way on the expressway."

"One? There are HUNDREDS!"
 

RoxaneB

Super Moderator
Super Moderator
Failure Analysis at its finest!

After every flight, Quantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Quantas' pilots and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers.

By the way, Quantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

(Personal Note - Unsure of the source for this and unsure if the Quantas fact is true)

(P= The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S= The solution and action taken by mechanics.)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
 
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