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The Elsmar Cove "Humour Thread" - CAUTION - 'Big Kid' Content

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Super Moderator
Super Moderator
JSW05 said:
Yes. Its title is "Efficacious Replacement of External Domestic Consumable Alternating Current Illumination Devices."
Do we have any metrics that will help us to visually determine whether or not the process is under control?

Craig H.

RCBeyette said:
Do we have any metrics that will help us to visually determine whether or not the process is under control?
That would require a p chart, to depict how often the light was not turned on, right?

For those instances where the light remained unilluminated after dark we would count 1 defective.

Assignable causes would be that the lamp is burned out or the operator is burned out (too tired to care).
A single guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So
he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an
unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede,
(100-legged bug), which came in a little white box to use for his house.

He took the centipede in the box, home and found a good location.
He decided he would start off by taking his new pet to church with
him. So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to
church with me today, we will have a good time."

But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a
bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again,
"How about going to church with me and receive blessings."

But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he
waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.

He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face
up against the centipede's house and shouting,

"Hey, in there! Would you like to go to church with me and learn
about The Lord?"

Scroll down!!!!!!!!!!!!!


A little voice came out of the box:............

"I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my shoes


Dwight Nelson recently told a true story about the pastor of his church. He had a kitten that climbed up a tree in his backyard and then was afraid to come down. The pastor coaxed, offered warm milk, etc.

The kitty would not come down. The tree was not sturdy enough to climb, so the pastor decided that if he tied a rope to his car and drove away so that the tree bent down, he could then reach up and get the kitten.

That's what he did, all the while checking his progress in the car. He then figured if he went just a little bit further, the tree would be bent sufficiently for him to reach the kitten. But as he moved the car a little further forward, the rope broke. The tree went "boing!" and the kitten

instantly sailed through the air--out of sight.

The pastor felt terrible. He walked all over the neighborhood asking people if they'd seen a little kitten. No. Nobody had seen a stray kitten. So he prayed, "Lord, I just commit this kitten to your keeping," and went on about his business.

A few days later he was at the grocery store, and met one of his church members. He happened to look into her shopping cart and was amazed to see cat food. This woman was a cat hater and everyone knew it, so he asked her, "Why are you buying cat food when you hate cats so much?"

She replied, "You won't believe this," and then told him how her little girl had been begging her for a cat, but she kept refusing. Then a few days before, the child had begged again, so the Mom finally told her little girl, "Well, if God gives you a cat, I'll let you keep it."

She told the pastor, "I watched my child go out in the yard, get on her knees, and ask God for a cat. And really, Pastor, you won't believe this, but I saw it with my own eyes. A kitten suddenly came flying out of the blue sky, with its paws outspread, and landed right in front of her."


Kevin H

I tend towards libertarianism, or classic liberalism (think Nat Hentoff), but one of my more conservative friends (a blacksmith by trade) sent me the following after the last election. I couldn't help but enjoy it - hope others feel the same:

The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada Has intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased patrols to stop the illegal immigration.

The re-election of President Bush is prompting the exodus among Left leaning citizens who fear they’ll soon be required to hunt, pray and agree with Bill O’Reilly.

Canadian border farmers say its not uncommon to see dozens of sociology professors, animal rights activists and Unitarians crossing their fields at night.

I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn," said Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield, whose acreage borders North Dakota. The producer was cold, exhausted and hungry.

He asked me if I could spare a latte and some free-range chicken. When I said I didn’t have any, he left. Didn’t even get a chance to show him my screenplay, eh?"

In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher fences but the liberals scaled them. So he tried installing speakers that blare Rush Limbaugh across the fields.

Not real effective," he said. The liberals still got through, and Rush annoyed the cows so much they wouldn’t give milk."

Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals Near the Canadian border, pack them into Volvo station wagons, drive them across the border and leave them to fend for themselves.

A lot of these people are not prepared for rugged conditions," an Ontario border patrolman said. I found one carload without a drop of drinking water. They did have a nice little Napa Valley cabernet, though."

When liberals are caught, they’re sent back across the border, often Wailing loudly that they fear retribution from conservatives. Rumors have been circulating about the Bush administration establishing re-education camps in which liberals will be forced to drink domestic beer and watch NASCAR.

In the days since the election, liberals have turned to sometimes ingenious ways of crossing the border.

Some have taken to posing as senior citizens on bus trips to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After catching a half-dozen young vegans disguised in powdered wigs, Canadian immigration authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed senior-citizen passengers.

If they can’t identify the accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show, We get suspicious about their age," an official said.

Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are Creating an organic-broccoli shortage and renting all the good Susan Sarandon movies.

I feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just cant support them," an Ottawa resident said. How many art-history majors does one country need?"

In an effort to ease tensions between the United States and Canada, Vice President Dick Cheney met with the Canadian ambassador and pledged That the administration would take steps to reassure liberals, a source close to Cheney said.

Were going to have some Peter, Paul & Mary concerts. And we might put some endangered species on postage stamps. The president is determined to reach out."
Global Warming

As Australians we naturally believe the worst of other countries leaders just as we do of our own.

George W Bush (jr) was asked what he really thought about global warming.

"Global Warming?" he replied.

"There's no such thing as Global Warming. The Earth is flat, it's not a Globe!"


Captain Nice
Staff member
I have allowed the two 'political' posts above.




Mrs. Davidson's dishwasher quit working so she calls a repairman.Since she has to go to work the next day, she tells him, "I'll leave thekey under the mat. Fix the dish-washer, leave the bill on the counter,and I'll mail you the check. Oh, by the way, don't worry about my Bull Dog; he won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANYcircumstances, talk to my parrot!" When the repairman arrives at Mrs. Davidson's apartment the next day, he discovers the biggest and meanest Bull Dog he has ever seen. But just as she said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his business. The Parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing, and name-calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid ugly bird!"

To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"

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