The Elsmar Cove "Humour Thread" - CAUTION - 'Big Kid' Content

[Tim Folkerts]

When Adam and Eve were kicked out of the garden they studiously set about obeying the divine injunction to procreate their kind. Soon they were surrounded by a horde of screaming, demanding children. At their wits end, the first couple knelt down and prayed for help. Sure enough, off in the distance, they saw a great cloud forming. The cloud rose into the air, approached, descended and touched the ground. Out stepped the world's first teacher.

She looked at Adam, she looked at Eve, then she looked at the horde of disheveled, screaming, unruly children and shook her head. "We never would have put up with this in the old days," she said.

 

[JerryStem]

One night a man was walking home from work and he heard this horrible, loud thumping from behind. He turned to see a large coffin, bouncing from edge to edge, coming after him!

He ran as fast as he could, but still he could hear it coming after him....whump whump whump...

He ran all the way to his home, and ran inside after fumbling with his keys in a hurried fright. He looked outside the window, and there it was. Whump whump whump...

He ran upstairs, completely out of his mind with fright. Suddenly he heard the door crash open, and sure enough, it had entered his house. Whump whump whump...

He ran into the bathroom and slammed the door. He could hear it coming up the stairs, whump whump whump...

In a desperate attempt to save himself, he opened the medicine cabinet, looking for anything he could find! He grabbed a bottle of Robotussin, cracked open the bathroom door, and threw it at the rampaging box!

And you know what?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
The coffin stopped.

Jerry
(I still laugh when I read this!)

 

[Randy Stewart]

Bumper Stickers

Can’t feed ‘em? Don’t breed ‘em.

I’m busy, You’re ugly. Have a nice day.



Isn’t a smoking area in a Restaurant like a peeing area in a swimming pool?

4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions.

I’m not an alcoholic. I’m a drunk. Alcoholics go to meetings.

I’ve got a perfect body, but it’s in the trunk and beginning to smell.

That LOOK you were going for . . . You Missed.

Your Proctologist called. He found your head.

I don’t know whether to commit suicide or go bowling.

Drugs Lead Nowhere, but it is the scenic route.

Sarcasm, just one more service I offer.



Trust your instincts. People really don’t like you.

PMS – Punish Men Severely.

Brakes are for Wimps.
Officer, I have no coffee, cleavage or donuts so just give me the ticket.
How often do I have to flush before you go away?

LIFE SUCKS well ok, just yours.

The shortest sentence is “I AM”. The longest is “I DO”

Drinking won’t solve your problems, but passing out will.

Can you hear my middle finger over your blaring speakers?

Amateurs built the Ark, Professionals built the Titanic.

I’m going Nuckin Futs

8 out of 10 voices in my head say “Don’t Shoot”.

Lost your cat? Try looking under my tires.

PORN – it’s cheaper than dating!

I use to be a wind breaker, now I’m an old fart.

 

[Wes Bucey]

I've seen the last one on a T shirt

 

[Claes Gefvenberg]

Light bullbs again....


Question: How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?


Golden Retriever:
The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?

Border Collie:
Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.

Dachshund:
You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!

Rottweiler:
Make me.

Lab:
Oh, me, me!!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I?
Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I?

German Shepherd:
I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the
situation.

Malamute:
Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy.

Jack Russell Terrier:
I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.

Poodle:
I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

Cocker Spaniel:
Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

Doberman Pinscher:
While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch.

Maltese:
Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark......

Mastiff:
Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.

Chihuahua:
Yo quiero Taco Bulb.

Irish Wolfhound:
Can somebody else do it? I've got this hangover.....

Pointer:
I see it, there it is, there it is, right there....


Greyhound:
It isn't moving. Who cares?

Australian Shepherd:
First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle....

Old English Sheep Dog:
Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb?

Bama Hound Dog:
ZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzz.z.z.z..z..z..z...z

Cat:
Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So the question is: How long will it be before I can expect light?


/Claes

 

[JerryStem]

Don't forget my Boxer:
Hey! What are you doing on that ladder? Can I watch? Hey, what was that? Hey! Pay attention to me!

 

[SteelMaiden]

Too funny, Claes!

I have the lab, and I could almost see her as I read. I can also see the cat, mine kind of stick up their noses at the dog. As though they are saying "Oh you poor creature, what was the creator thinking?"

 

[Al Rosen]

Bravery

True bravery is arriving home, stinking drunk after a very
late night out with the boys, being met at the door and assaulted with
a broom by your wife. . . . and still having the guts to ask:

"Are you cleaning, or were you flying somewhere?'

 

[Greg B]

Sepillng mitsakes?

Hi All,
This made my afternoon

----- Believe it or not you can read it.
I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg The
phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde
Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer inwaht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the
olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit
pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a
porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by
istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas thought
slpeling was ipmorantt.

 

[Wes Bucey]

Hi All,
This made my afternoon

----- Believe it or not you can read it.
I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg The
phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer inwaht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit
pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a
porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by
istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas thought
slpeling was ipmorantt.

The fact of being able to unscramble words you already know is the basis of Scrabble® - if you aren't familiar with the correct word (guessed from number of letters, beginning and last letter, and context in which it is used), the task is just a little bit harder, making one feel like a member of the parratoilet. [urmbsclane dogemrhiparc deigoantisn in ictials, pesale]

Did you decipher it easily?