The Elsmar Cove "Humour Thread" - CAUTION - 'Big Kid' Content

Al Rosen

Staff member
Super Moderator
LIBERAL

You have two cows.

Your neighbor has none.

You feel guilty for being successful.

Instead of giving your neighbor one of your cows, you write to your congressman, demanding that he pass legislation for more government programs to help your neighbor get a cow.

You hold a concert to raise awareness for the cow-lessness.

Barbara Streisand sings for the cow-less, who couldn't attend because ticket prices are so expensive that only people with 3 or 4 cows can afford to attend.

You wear a ribbon that signifies that you care about cowless people, even though you really haven't done anything to help them at all.



CONSERVATIVE

You have two cows.

Your neighbor has none.

So?



SOCIALIST

You have two cows.

The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.

You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.



COMMUNIST

You have two cows.

The government seizes both and provides you with milk.

You wait in line for hours to get it.

It is expensive and sour.



CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE

You have two cows.

You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.



DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE

You have two cows.

The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.



BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE

You have two cows.

The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, and then pours the milk down the drain.





AMERICAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.

You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows.

You are surprised when one cow drops dead.

You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have down sized and are reducing expenses.

Your stock goes up.



FRENCH CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You go on strike because you want three cows.

You go to lunch and drink wine.

Life is good.



JAPANESE CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.

They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.

Most are at the top of their class at cow school.



GERMAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.

Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.



ITALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows but you don't know where they are.

While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.

You break for lunch.

Life is good.



RUSSIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You have some vodka.

You count them and learn you have four cows.

You have some more vodka.

You count them again and learn you have eight cows.

The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.



TALIBAN CORPORATION

You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.

You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts.

Then you kill them and claim a US bomb blew them up while they were in the hospital.



IRAQI CORPORATION

You have two cows.

They go into hiding.

They send radio tapes of their mooing.



POLISH CORPORATION

You have two bulls.

Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.



CALIFORNIAN

You have a cow and a bull.

The bull is depressed.

It has spent its life living a lie.

It goes away for two weeks.

It comes back after a taxpayer-paid sex-change operation.

You now have two cows.

One makes milk; the other doesn't.

You try to sell the transgender cow.

Its lawyer sues you for discrimination.

You lose in court.

You sell the milk-generating cow to pay the damages.

You now have one rich, transgender, non-milk-producing cow.

You change your business to beef.

PETA pickets your farm.

Jesse Jackson makes a speech in your driveway.

Cruz Bustamante calls for higher farm taxes to help "working cows."

Hillary Clinton calls for the nationalization of 1/7 of your farm "for the children."

Gray Davis signs a law giving your farm to Mexico.

The L.A. Times quotes five anonymous cows claiming you groped their teats.

You declare bankruptcy and shut down all operations.

The cow starves to death.

The L.A.Times' analysis shows your business failure is Bush's fault.

 
What I hate about people

9 Things I Hate About People

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get up to search the entire room for the tv remote because they refuse to walk to the tv and change the channel manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". What good is cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?

5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the floor.

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.

8. When people say "life is short". Life is the longest thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here?
 

Al Rosen

Staff member
Super Moderator
Earthquake in Mexico

A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the
Richter scale has hit Mexico.

Two million Mexicans have died and over a million are
injured. The country is totally ruined and the
government doesn't know where to start providing
help to rebuild.

The rest of the world is in shock.

Canada is sending troopers to help the Mexican army
control the riots.

Saudi Arabia is sending oil.

Other Latin American countries are sending supplies.

The European community (except France) is sending food
and money.

The United States, not to be outdone, is sending two
million replacement Mexicans.

God Bless America
 
T

tarheels4 - 2007

Al Rosen said:
The United States, not to be outdone, is sending two
million replacement Mexicans.

God Bless America

I was asked to do an audit by a registrar. I had never been there so I asked. "Do I have to go over there the same way they come over here?"

Now don't get excited folks, that was only a joke.
 
Last edited by a moderator:
Al:

That was SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO politically incorrect that I'm sure your modem is in flames already.

And as soon as I pick myself up off the floor and stop laughing, I'll act very VERY offended :)
 
L

Laura M

db said:
9 Things I Hate About People

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?
OK - it does say "When people say..." but I watched my dog "know" he let the mole get away, but kept looking where he "found it". Like he convinced himself that wasn't "the" mole that he chase under the shrub. Kept him occupied for an hour. Either he realized he was providing entertainment for me, or he kept looking after he "found it."

L
 
I

IEGeek - 2006

tarheels4 said:
I was asked to do an audit by a registrar. I had never been there so I asked. "Do I have to go over there the same way they come over here?"

Now don't get excited folks, that was only a joke.

Yes but an absolutely hilarious one. Completely politically incorrect but funny none the less. Guess those guys from Ohio do have more to do than watch corn grow. :agree1:
 

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