The Elsmar Cove "Humour Thread" - CAUTION - 'Big Kid' Content

[ralphsulser]

His answer:
"Put on a rain suit and boots. Stand in an ice cold shower with the water full blast in your face. Tear up $100 bills. Watch the pieces float down the drain. That's exactly what it is like to own a sailboat in Chicago, except we owners don't call them sailboats, we call them holes in the water."[/QUOTE]

Yes, that's what they said when I bought a boat in Michigan, and lived a block off a lake. The definition of a boat is "a large hole in the water into which you pour vast sums of money", true, true.
I sold it when I moved to southern Ohio. Enjoyed it while I had it, but didn't miss it.

 

[IEGeek - 2006]

Nothing upsets me more than waiting at the fuel dock for a sailboat to finish fueling. Go figure.

 

[IEGeek - 2006]

Funny Boat Jokes


Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, California, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 ft. Bayliner boat to perform. It wouldn't plane at all, and it was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power was applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted over to a nearby marina, thinking someone there could tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working order. The engine ran fine, the outdrive went up and down, the prop was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.

REMEMBER, THIS IS A TRUE STORY.....

Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.


After one particularly difficult passage, a famous cruising couple find themselves at the Pearly Gates, where their lines are taken by St. Peter himself. "There doesn't seem to be much record of you, good or bad," he says. "so I'm going to let you decide for yourselves whether you go to heaven or ****. First let me describe them for you. On the one hand, you could spend eternity in cramped quarters, your beds a few inches shorter than you are tall, your food and water always rationed, and a shower something you could only dream of."
"And what about ****?" the couple asked.


How many boaters does it take to change a lightbulb? None, because the right size bulb isn't on board, the local marine-supply store doesn't carry that brand, and the mail-order house has them on back-order.


Dead ahead, through the pitch-black night, the captain sees a light on a collision course with his ship.
He sends a signal: "Change your course ten degrees east."
"Change yours ten degrees west," comes the reply.
The captain responds, "I'm a United States Navy captain! Change your course, sir!"
"I'm a seaman second class," the next message reads. "Change your course, sir."
The captain is furious. "I'm a battleship! I'm not changing course!"
"I'm a lighthouse. Your call."

 

[tarheels4 - 2007]

Boats:
Karma:
If you give some good advice to a newbie over in the "business" Forums, tarheels4, (no Karma available in the Coffee Break Chatter forum), I'll give you a big dose of karma. When and if I give you the karma, I'll include an explanation of why I think you earned it.

Okey Dokey!

 

[Valeri]

Little Boy asks: "Daddy, how was I born?"
DAD SAYS: Ah, my son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!
Well, you see your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on AOL.
Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a
Cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little popup
appeared and said:

You've got MALE!

 

[IEGeek - 2006]

 

[ralphsulser]

Valerie, Valerie....that is the best

 

[Laura M]

ditto

Well "ditto" was too short, but "ditto" to the last 2 posts.

 

[Marc]

I'll grant you one question

Ripped from a newsgroup:

Linus Torvalds, Steve Jobs, and Bill Gates are gathered one night, when an angel miraculously appears. The angel grants them each one question.

Linus goes first, asking, "Tell me how long it will be before Linux is completely secure and the last bug is squashed." The angel looks into the future, and then answers, "It will be 10 years before Linux is completely secure and the last bug is squashed." Linus chokes up, sheds some tears, and laments, "I may not even live to see it."

Then Jobs steps forward and asks, "Tell me how long it will be before the MacOS is completely secure and the last bug is squashed." The angel looks into the future, and then answers, "It will be 20 years before Mac OS is completely secure and the last bug is squashed." Jobs chokes up, sheds some tears, and laments, "I may not even live to see it."

After a while, the two turn to Gates, who is shuffling around and staring at the ground mumbling. "Well, Bill, aren't you going to pose your question?" they ask him. "Oh, all right," he says with annoyance, "How long will it be before Windows is completely secure and the last bug is squashed?" The angel looks into the future, then looks further, then ... the angel chokes up, sheds some tears, and laments, "I may not even live to see it."

 

[Wes Bucey]

Absolutely Great, Marc!