The Elsmar Cove "Humour Thread" - CAUTION - 'Big Kid' Content

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K

Ken K

It was the first day of school and the teacher and the students were getting acquainted.
The teacher asked if they knew how they came into the world.
Little Johnny sat there and enthusiastically waved his hand in the air.
The teacher called on Laura and she said the stork delivered her to the front door.
Little Johnny almost leapt up and down waiting to be called on.
Little Ted said he came as a present under the Christmas tree.
The teacher couldn’t help but finally call on little Johnny.
“I went to the prom with my parents when they were in high school” he said.
The teacher looked at him and said, “now Johnny, that’s impossible. Your parents were not even married yet.”

But it is true said Johnny. “I left home with my daddy and I went home with my mother later that night.”
:smokin:
 
A

Andy Bassett

The Philosopher

A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in front of him. When class began, ordlessly he picked up a large empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks right to the top, rocks about 2" in diameter. He then asked the students if the jar was full? They agreed that it was. So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them in
to the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles,of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. The students laughed. He asked his students
again if the jar was full? They agreed that yes, it was. Theprofessor then picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up every-thing else. "Now," said the professor, "I want you to recognize that this is your life. The rocks are the important things - your family, your partner, your health, your children - anything that is so important to you that if it were lost, you would be nearly destroyed. The pebbles are the other things in life that matter, but on a smaller
scale. The pebbles represent things like your job, house, or car. The sand is everything else, the small stuff." "If you put the sand or the pebbles into the jar first, there is no room for the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your energy and time on the small stuff, material things, you will never have room for the things that are truly most important."

But then, A student took the jar which the other students and the professor agreed was full, and proceeded to pour in a glass of beer.

Of course, the beer filled the remaining spaces within the jar making the jar truly full. Which proves: that no matter how full your life is, there is always room for a beer
 
Countdown

That story about Neil Armstrong reminded me about another one concerning the space programme:

As we all know the U.S. space programme had a shaky start with rockets and things blowing up all over the place. Ever heard how a U.S. engineer taught his son how to count in those days?

.......10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, Oh..... s##t!

I expect I'll earn some swedish jokes for that? Bring'em on, I can take it... :D


/Claes
 
E

energy

Is it right?

Bumper Stickers for the 50 states.

Alabama: Hell Yes, We Have Electricity

Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!

Arizona: But It's A Dry Heat

Arkansas: Literacy Ain't Everything

California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda

Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother

Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedy's Don't Own It -- Yet

Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water

Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids

Georgia: We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism

Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru Death To Mainland Scum (But Leave Your Money)

Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes ... Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good

Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"

Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free

Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn

Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States

Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names

Louisiana: We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign

Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster

Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It

Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)

Michigan: First Line Of Defense >From The Canadians

Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes... And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes

Mississippi: Come And Feel Better About Your Own State

Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work

Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-wing Crazies, And Very Little Else

Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest

Nevada: Hookers and Poker!

New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone

New Jersey: You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!

New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent pets

New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An Attorney ...

North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable

North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States!

Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan

Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing

Oregon: Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner

Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal

Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island

South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender

South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota

Tennessee: The Educashun State

Texas: Si' Hablo Ing'les (Yes, I Speak English)

Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus

Vermont: Yep

Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?

Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds And Slackers!

Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?

West Virginia: One Big Happy Family... Really!

Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese

Wyoming: Where Men Are Men . . . and the sheep are scared!
 
E

energy

Need some help?

Originally posted by Randy
:mad: These auditor jokes are going to make me go off the deep end:bonk:
One more at least....Mirror, Mirror

A Quality engineer, Quality Manager, and an Auditor went to a fitness spa for some fun and relaxation. After a stimulating healthy lunch, all three decided to visit the exercise room and found a strange-looking dude sitting at the entrance who said, "Welcome to the Exercise Room. Be sure to check out our newest feature: a mirror which, if you look into it and say something truthful, you will be awarded with a wish. But, be warned, for if you say something false, you will be sucked into the mirror to live in a void of nothingness for all eternity!"

The three people quickly entered and upon finding the mirror, the Quality Engineer said, "I think I'm the most intelligent of us three," and in an instant he was surrounded by a pile of money.

The Quality Manager stepped up and said, "I think I'm the most talented of us three," and he suddenly found the keys to a brand new Lexus in his hands.

Excited over the possibility of having a wish come true, the Auditor looked into the mirror and said,

"I think..." and was promptly sucked into the mirror.


:bonk: :ko: :smokin:
 
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