The Elsmar Cove "Humour Thread" - CAUTION - 'Big Kid' Content

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K

Ken K

25 Signs that you have grown up...

1. Your plants are alive. And you can't smoke any of them.
2. Having sex in a twin bed is absurd.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
6. You watch the Weather Channel, and carry an umbrella.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as 'dressed up.'
10. You're the one calling the police because those darn kids next door don't know how to turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM.
17. Dinner and a movie = the whole date (instead of the beginning of one).
18. Eating a bucket of hot wings at 3 AM would severely upset (rather than settle) your stomach.
19. You go to the drugstore for Ibuprofen and antacids, not condoms and pregnancy test kits.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer considered 'pretty good stuff.'
21. You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.
22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."
23. Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
24. You don't drink at home before going to a bar to save money.
25. You read this entire list looking for one sign that doesn't apply to you.

:thedeal:
 
B

Bruce Epstein

Etiquette for cats

KITTY ETIQUETTE - FROM A CAT'S POINT OF VIEW

BATHROOMS: Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare. You can help out by unrolling the toilet tissue for them.
DOORS: Do not allow any closed doors in any room. To get door open, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws ... or scratch at the carpet in front of the door. Once the door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season.
HELPING: If one of your humans is engaged in some activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping." Following are the rules for "helping:"
1.) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.
2.) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself.
3.) For paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work as possible. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or pen.
4.) For people paying bills or working on income taxes or Christmas cards, keep in mind the aim: to help! First, sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability. After being removed for the second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a time.
5.) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump at the back of the paper. Humans like being startled.
6.) When your human is working at the computer, jump up on the desk, walk across the keyboard, bat at the mouse pointer on the screen and then lay in your human's lap across their arms, helping with the typing in progress.
WALKING: As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of your human, especially on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This will help their coordination skills.
BEDTIME: Always sleep on the human at night so he/she cannot move around. It helps them rest better to lie perfectly still.
LITTER BOX: When using the litter box, be sure to kick as much litter out of the box as possible. Humans enjoy the feel of kitty litter between their toes.
HIDING: Every now and then, hide in a place where the humans cannot find you. Do not come out for three to four hours under any circumstances. This will cause the humans to panic (which they love) thinking that you have run away or are lost. Once you do come out, the humans will cover you with love and kisses and you will probably get a treat.
ONE LAST THOUGHT: Whenever possible, get close to a human, especially their face. Humans love this, so do it often. And don't forget their guests.
 
J

JodiB

Big Sigh

****sigh****
and I swore I would never grow up! When did it happen? Is there any justice in this world??

Does this mean I can get a kitty now?
 
E

energy

Oh No!

Steel,

See? Your state isn't even mentioned here!:vfunny:

Redneck Vasectomy

After having their 11th child, an Arkansas couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a cherry bomb, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The redneck said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest fella in the world, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

"Trust me," said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count:

"1"

"2"

"3"

"4"

"5"

At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Kentucky, Alabama, Mississippi, and West Virginia.
:ko: :smokin:
 
Chicken race

There was this farmer who decided that his rooster needed a replacement, becuse the hens were not getting what they needed. The very next day he bought a new one and dumped it in front of the hen house.

The two roosters stood there glaring at each other. Finally, the old one said: -Look, I know I'm old and a bit tattered, but I don't want to just fold and go away. Would you do me the favour to beat me in a competition to let me fall with honour? How about a race, 5 laps around the henhouse?

-Sure thing, said the young one, brimming with confidence. So they went to the hen house and took off.

To his great surprise the young one found himself in 2nd place after the first lap. He did his outmost to catch up, but after lap 2 he was even further behind.

When they finished the 4th lap a shotgun barked and the young rooster fell to the ground.

As the dust settled the farmer turned around and called to his wife: -That's the last rooster I'll ever buy from McDonald. This was the third one in a row that was only interested in my old rooster!

/Claes
 

SteelMaiden

Super Moderator
Super Moderator
Re: Oh No!

Originally posted by energy
Steel,

See? Your state isn't even mentioned here!:vfunny:

This procedure also works in Kentucky, Alabama, Mississippi, and West Virginia.
:ko: :smokin:
Thank you for not lumping me in!!! Here is one that will surely deter crime on all of the golf courses no matter the state!

Enjoy!
 

Attachments

E

energy

Re: Re: Oh No!

Originally posted by SteelMaiden

Here is one that will surely deter crime on all of the golf courses no matter the state!
Enjoy!
Oh yea? I would venture to guess that the amount of women playing golf is approaching that of men. So let's think of another punishment for ball pilfering. Now, if we are talking about women professional golfers, then there is no problem.:biglaugh: :ko: :smokin:
 
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