The Elsmar Cove "Humour Thread" - CAUTION - 'Big Kid' Content

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K

Ken K

Hungry?

"Mommy is going to eat your fingers"

As the woman was trying to pack for vacation, her 3-year-old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point, she said, "Mom, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers. Trying to keep her entertained, the woman reached out and stuck her daughter’s fingers in her mouth and said, "Mommy gonna eat your fingers!" pretending to eat them before she rushed out of the room again.

When she returned, her daughter was standing on the bed, staring at her fingers, with a devastated look on her face.

She asked quietly, "What's wrong honey?"





"Mommy, where's my booger?"
 
R

Randy Stewart

Happy Easter to all, enjoy the Holiday folks. I think I have some exciting Peeps Jousting Matches to watch this weekend!!!!!
Haven't had this much fun sense I stopped blowing up GI Joes and army men with firecrackers!!!!
:biglaugh: :bigwave: :smokin: :ko:
 
J

Jamie

I always seem to have trouble when posting a link in my messages so I hope this is right.

http://www.sparklet.com/~royce/trams/KnowJackSchitt.swf

**Link checked by Marc on 4-11 and disabled because it is 'broken'.**
 
Last edited by a moderator:
The vicar and the little boy

Heard about the vicar who met a small lad carrying a big bottle?

Vicar: -My what a big bottle of lemonade you have there.
Boy: -It's not lemonade, it's Hydrocloric acid....
Vicar: -Acid!!! -Now look, I'll tell you what: -I'll trade you that acid for this bottle of holy water (Anything to get the acid away from him).

The boy sullenly gave up his bottle, and the vicar tried to buck him up a bit:

Vicar: -Come now... -That holy water is more powerful than your acid in a way. -Last week I rubbed some of it on a pregnant girls tummy, and within a week she passed a baby girl...

Boy: -Pfffft, that's nothing... I just rubbed some of my acid on a dogs balls and within five seconds it passed a motorbike...

/Claes
 
E

energy

It's been awhile!

After a long night of making love the young guy rolled over and
was looking around when he noticed a framed picture of another
man. The guy began to worry. "Is this your husband?"

"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.

"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.

"Well, who is he then?" asked the bewildered guy.

The girl replied, "That's me before the surgery.
:vfunny: :ko: :smokin:
 
M

Michael T

We Sure Goofed!!!

The old Cherokee chief sat in his reservation hut,
smoking the ceremonial pipe, eyeing the two US
government officials sent to interview him.

"Chief Two Eagles," one official began, "you have
observed the white man for many generations, you
have seen his wars and his products, you have
seen all his progress, and all his problems."

The chief nodded. The official
continued, "Considering recent events, in your
opinion, where has the white man gone wrong?"

The chief stared at the government officials for
over a minute, and then calmly replied: "When white
man found this land, Indians were running it.
No taxes. No debt. Plenty buffalo. Plenty beaver.
Women did most of the work. Medicine man free.
Indian men hunted and fished all the time."

The chief smiled, and added quietly, "White man dumb
enough to think he could improve system like that?"

*** Sometimes process improvement isn't ***:vfunny: :biglaugh:
 
K

Ken K

The doctor tells an 85 year old man that he needs to give him a sperm sample before he can make a diagnosis. He gives him a jar with a cover on it and tells him to come back with the semen tomorrow.

The next day the guy shows up with an empty bottle and says to the Dr. "First I used my right hand and it didn't work. Then I used my left hand and no luck. I used both hands and still no results. So then I asked my wife to help me. She used both hands, put it in her mouth, teeth in, teeth out and no results. Then we decided to ask our younger, more fit neighbor to help. She stuck it under her arm pit and even put it between her legs and you see that I still have an empty bottle."

The Dr. was amazed and said "Didn't your wife mind if the neighbor lady helped?"

The old guy replied, "What else could we do? The lid was screwed on so tight that none of us could get the bottle opened." :smokin:
 
turking hunting

An 80 year old man went to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor was
amazed at what good shape
the guy was in. He asked, "To what do you attribute your good health?"
The old timer replied, "I'm a turkey hunter. That's why I'm in such good
shape. I'm up well
before daylight, out chasing turkey's up and down the hills."
"Well, I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was
your dad when he died?"
The old timer snapped, "Who said my dad's dead?"
"You mean you're 80 years old and your dad's still alive? How old is he?"
the amazed doctor asked.
"He's 100 years old! In fact, he hunted turkey with me this morning, and
that's why he's still alive!
He's a turkey hunter!", the feisty 80 year old fired back.
"Well, that's great," replied the Doc, "but I'm sure there's more to it. How
about your dad's dad?
How old was he when he died?"
"Who said my grandpa's dead?"
"You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! How old
is he?
The old timer shot back, "He's 118 years old."
The doctor was getting frustrated at this point and said, "I guess he went
turkey hunting with you
this morning too?"
"Nope," replied the old timer. "Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he
got married."
"Got married!!! Why would a 118 year old guy want to get married?"
The old timer said," Who said he wanted to?"
 
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