The Elsmar Cove "Humour Thread" - CAUTION - 'Big Kid' Content

E

energy

From Wales!

A redneck, a sheep, and a dog were survivors of a terrible
ship wreck. They found themselves stranded on a desert island.

After being there a while, they got into the habit of going
to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down. One
particular evening, the sky was red with beautiful cirrus
clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect night for
romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking
better and better to the redneck. Soon, he leaned over to
the sheep and put his arm around it. But the dog got jealous,
growling fiercely until the redneck took his arm from around
the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy
the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by, and lo and behold, there was another
Ship wreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman,
the most beautiful woman the redneck had ever seen. She was
in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, so they slowly
nursed her back to health.

When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to
their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening:
red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze; perfect for
a night of romance. Pretty soon, the redneck started to get
"those feelings" again.

He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in
and leaned over to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered
in her ear...

"Would you mind terribly taking the dog for a walk?"
 
Elsmar Forum Sponsor
M

Michael T

A Puzzle

For those of you who like puzzles (remember "Where's Waldo?") the attached should give you a few moments of enjoyement.

It's called, Where's the Bird?.... :D
 

Attachments

SteelMaiden

Super Moderator
Super Moderator
A good reason to stay healthy

ACTUAL SENTENCES FOUND ON PATIENTS' HOSPITAL CHARTS

1) She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was hot in bed last night.
2) Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
3) On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
4) The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
5) The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
6) Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.
7) Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
8) The patient refused autopsy. (good choice!)
9) The patient has no previous history of suicides.
10) Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
11) Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past 3 days
12) Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
13) Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
14) Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might want to work her up.
15) She is numb from her toes down.
16) While in ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
17) The skin was moist and dry.
18) Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
19) Patient was alert and unresponsive.
20) Rectal examination revealed a normal sized thyroid.
21) She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until got a divorce.
22) I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
23) Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
24) Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
25) The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
26) The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.
27) Skin: somewhat pale but present.
28) The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
29) Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
30) Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
31) Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
 
S

swappyd

A man is in a hot air ballon floating over the counrtyside, he is trying to get to go to a friend's for a drink. He realises that he is lost so looking for a familiar landmark he see two people on the ground.

He decends closer to the ground and shouts to the two people "I'm a bit lost can you tell me where I am?"

"Sure" comes the reply "your presently at 22 degrees longitude by 6 degress latitude".

"Thanks" yells the man in the balloon "Your an engineer arn't you?"

"I am, how do you know?"

"Your precision to the location and your willingness to help!"

"Your a manager arn't you?"

"I am how did you guess?"

"Well you have got to where you are by a lot of hot air, you don't know where you are going, you make promises you know you can't keep and finally you depend on people bellow you to sort the problems of your making!":bonk: :bonk:
 
E

energy

Popular across the pond?

swappyd said:

A man is in a hot air ballon floating over the counrtyside, he is trying to get to go to a friend's for a drink. He realises that he is lost so looking for a familiar landmark he see two people on the ground.

He decends closer to the ground and shouts to the two people "I'm a bit lost can you tell me where I am?"

"Sure" comes the reply "your presently at 22 degrees longitude by 6 degress latitude".

"Thanks" yells the man in the balloon "Your an engineer arn't you?"

"I am, how do you know?"

"Your precision to the location and your willingness to help!"

"Your a manager arn't you?"

"I am how did you guess?"

"Well you have got to where you are by a lot of hot air, you don't know where you are going, you make promises you know you can't keep and finally you depend on people bellow you to sort the problems of your making!":bonk: :bonk:
Another version from across the seas.

Laura said:

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and
spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can
you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't
know where I am."
The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately
30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude
and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is, technically
correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is
I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything,
you've delayed my trip."
The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going.
You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made
a promise which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath
you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position
you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault. :lick: :bigwave:
Sorry for this post, but I just have this thing for summer re-runs.

:smokin:
 
S

swappyd

Quality at it's best......

This is a totally true tale of close but no Cigar.

I was given a callendar by an college friend who works for an American (Automotive supply) company. On looking through the tastefull and usual photographs I noticed that there is no 4 July but two 12 September!

Long live QC!!!

If anybody in the US can explain why! I would just love to know!

Keep the humor coming It brightens my day!:vfunny: :cool:
 
R

Randy Stewart

4th of July

I think they took that old joke about "Do they have a 4th of July in England" seriously. You know, they didn't want to remind you how you got your butts kicked!!!!!:biglaugh:
Just kidding this is the humor thread.
 
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