The Elsmar Cove "Humour Thread" - CAUTION - 'Big Kid' Content

[Jim Biz]

I'm Glad I have "friends"

Are you tired of the mushy “friendship” poems that always sound good but
never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a “friendship” poem
that really speaks to true friendship and truth itself!


Friend,
When you are sad, ...I will get you drunk and help you plot revenge
against the sorry bastard who made you sad.
When you are blue, ...I’ll try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
When you smile, ...I’ll know you finally got laid.
When you are scared, ...I will rag you about it every chance I get.
When you are worried, ...I will tell you horrible stories about how much
worse it could be and to quit whining.
When you are confused, ...I will use little words to explain it to your
dumb ass.
When you are sick, ...stay away from me until you’re well again. I don’t
want whatever you have.
When you fall, ...I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.
This is my oath, ...I pledge ‘till the end. Why you may ask?
Because you’re my friend!
Send this poem to ten of your closest friends (or else you will have bad
luck and go to hell) and get depressed because you realize you only have 2
friends, and one of them is not speaking to you right now anyway.

P.S. A friend will help you move. A really good friend will help you move
a body.

 

[energy]

Photo Shoot

The Surrogate

The Smiths were unable to conceive children, and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon".

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning madam. I've come to......"

"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.

"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."

"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat.

After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too....you can really spread out!"

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."

"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, my, that's a lot of ..." gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."

"Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith said quietly. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus." "Oh my god!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well,when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." "She was difficult ?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to a park. They were gathered around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."

"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.

"Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate! Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your um...equipment ?"

"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."

"Tripod??

"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold very long. Madam? Madam?.....Good Lord, she's fainted!!

 

[Laura M]

THE COMEBACK OF THE YEAR

A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family - but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raises his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter REDACTED exhaustion?"
The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

 

[Forum Administrator]

Happy Thanksgiving!

 

[Ken K]

Here's one for energy...

Ven Two Minnesootins
Meet Oop Nort On Da Lake Fichen!

Haydair
Lobuddy
Benearlong?
Coplhours
Crieps, cetchenenny?
Yepgoddafew
Vairdayittn?
Oberdair
Kindarday?
Valleyeennordern
Ennysiztooum?
Cuplapowns
Oofda, ittenard?
Yepsordalike
Vahchaoozindalindyrik?
Ohyeahdonchano
Fichenondaboddum?
Rydoopneardaboddum
Howdeeperya?
Bouttvenyfeet
Oh, Vachadrinkin?
Hadacouplabeers
Velligoddago
Tubad
Seeyaround
Yeahtakideeze
Guluk
Yoobetcha

 

[energy]

A good read!

Achieve 103% ", says my boss on his way out for a long lunch. I know that bosses aren't the sharpest tools in the shed. They used the edge too much already to get where they are.
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants "more than 100%."

Well here's how you do that. Here's how you can achieve 103%. First of all, here's a little math that might prove helpful in the future. How does one achieve 100% in LIFE? Begin by noting the following.

If:

A = 1
B = 2
C = 3
D = 4
E = 5
F = 6
G = 7
H = 8
I = 9
J = 10
K = 11
L = 12
M = 13
N = 14
O = 15
P = 16
Q = 17
R = 18
S = 19
T = 20
U = 21
V = 22
W = 23
X = 24
Y = 25
Z = 26

Then:

H A R D W O R K =
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = Only 98%

Similarly,

K N O W L E D G E =
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = Only 96%

But interesting (and as you'd expect),

A T T I T U D E =
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%.....This is how you achieve 100% in LIFE.

But EVEN MORE IMPORTANT TO NOTE (or REALIZE), is

B U L L S H I T =
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

So now you know what all those high-priced consultants, upper management, and motivational speakers really mean when they want to exceed 100%!

Good Luck, and give yourself a 106% (long lunch) or better yet 85%
(vacation).

 

[CarolX]

Ken - translation

Ken,

Any chance you can translate that into plain english.

Passed it around work and we loved it!!!

CarolX

 

[Laura M]

Energy!!!!

Possibly your finest post yet! I haven't heard this one before - probably old news to others, but man can I use this!! Minus the "high-priced consultant" piece.

Laura

 

[E Wall]

The tops! (Energy's 103% post)

ROFLMAO!!!!

I've copied and e-mailed this to our QA Manager, suggesting he use it as a meeting opener for the Mgmt Rev mtg set for Fri

 

[energy]

Re: The tops!

Originally posted by E Wall
ROFLMAO!!!!:biglaugh

Eileen,

You're on, whether you like it or not, "MY Buddies" list. I have to know what the acronym means. Send me some mail.
Beside that, today marks the 36 Anniversary of my co-habitation with the woman who can put up with this sicko for so long! (Nov 27, 1965). Seems like just yesterday )