The Elsmar Cove "Humour Thread" - CAUTION - 'Big Kid' Content

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Dawn at the track...

Bill had been training his colt for awhile and couldn't believe how fast he was. Every time Bill timed him around the practice track he got faster! I was obvious they were going to have a winner this season.

The first race day came and Bill's horse ran in three races and finished dead last every time. Bill couldn't understand it. What had happend.

The next day they took the horse back out to the practice track and he broke his old record. Now Bill was really frustrated. So he called in an Animal Psychologist. This person had a rare gift in that he could actually communicate with animals.

After spending some time with the horse the psychologist reported to Bill what the problem was. It seems that the colt loved to run, but that when there were phillies in the race he just loved to lay back and watch them run.

Bill jumped up and said, "well I know how to cure that. Soon he won't have any need for a philly". And Bill promptly had the colt gelded. To everyones surprise, this actually made the animal run faster and Bill was sure he made thright decision.

Soon race day cam once more. It was obvious that Bills horse couldn't wait to get going as he bounced and pranced to the starting gate. Finally the bell sounded and the gates opened. bills horse fairly lept out of the gate and took the immediate lead. But about 8 or 10 lenghts down the track there was a terrible pileup. Horses and jockeys crashed and intermingled in one heap. Everyone ran to the pile and began pulling jockeys and horses out. Finally when they reached the bottom there lay Bill's horse.

The animal psychologist asked the hors what happened. The horse replied, "Well the gate opened and all I wanted to do was win, then I heard the announcer call out 'THEIR OFF' and I was so embarrased that I tried to cross my legs.


Happy Friday
James
 
E

energy

"The Best One-Liners of All-Time" From Rodney Dangerfield

1. I was so poor growing up ... if I wasn't a boy ... I'd have had nothing to play with.

2. A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over; nobody's home. "I went over. Nobody was home.

3. During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

4. One day I came home early from work ... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said "Because you came home early."

5. It's been a rough day. I got up this morning ... put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.

6. I was such an ugly kid...When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

7. I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio.

8. I was such an ugly baby...My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

9. I'm so ugly...My father carries around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

10. When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through."

11. I'm so ugly...My mother had morning sickness...AFTER I was born.

12. I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

13. Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said,"I don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide."

14. My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

15. I'm so ugly...I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get.

16. I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror...I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me?" He said..."I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."

17. I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

18. With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.

19.Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room he leaves a pyramid. His favorite bone is in my arm. Last night he went on the paper four times - three of those times I was reading it.

20. One year they wanted to make me poster boy - for birth control.

21. My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the electric chair.

:ko: :smokin:
 

Mike S.

Happy to be Alive
Trusted Information Resource
Introductory Chemistry has been taught at Duke for about a zillion years by professor Bonk (really)...he has been around forever.

Anyway, one year these two guys took the class and did pretty well on all the quizzes and mid-terms-so much so that going into the final, they each had a solid A. These two friends were so confident going into the final, that the weekend before finals week (even though the Chem final was on Monday), they decided to go to U. of VA and party with some friends up there.

So they did this and had a great time. However, with their hangovers and everything, they overslept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning.
Rather than taking the final then, they found professor Bonk after the final and explained to him how they missed the final...they told him they went up to U VA for the weekend and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back and didn't have a spare and couldn't fix it for a long time and so were late getting back to campus.

Bonk thought this over and agreed that they could take the final the following day.

The two guys, elated and relieved, studied that night and went in the next day at the time that Bonk had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem which was something simple about molarity and solutions and was worth 5 points.

"Cool," they thought, "this is going to be easy". They then turned the page. They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on the next page.

It said only...

(95 points) Which tire?
:bonk:
 

Marc

Hunkered Down for the Duration with a Mask on...
Staff member
Admin
A client sent me this. I admit I've heard it before, but I laughed and thought what the heck - I'll post it here. Apologies if you've heard it before. It goes...

The Fireman

A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife, "You know,
we have a wonderful system at the fire station:

BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets.
BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole.
BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go.

"From now on when I say BELL 1, I want you to strip naked. When I say BELL 2, I want you to jump in bed. And when I say BELL 3, we are going to make love all night."

The next night he came home from work and yelled "BELL 1" The wife promptly took all her clothes off.
When he yelled "BELL 2," the wife jumped into bed.
When he yelled "BELL 3," they began making love.
After a few minutes the wife yelled "BELL 4"

"What the **** is BELL 4?" asked the husband?

"ROLL OUT MORE HOSE," she replied, "YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE!"
 
E

energy

It's been awhile

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party. The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse." Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.
Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blond woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blond enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night. The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon. Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, even more attractive than the blond. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night. The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow. What is your last request."

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse, alone." The Chief is curious, but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.

Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says, "Listen carefully, for the last time, I said......

"BRING POSSE!" :lick: :ko: :smokin:
 

Mike S.

Happy to be Alive
Trusted Information Resource
Not sure if this is true or just an urban legend-- but it could be...

In March of 1992 a man living in Newton, Massachusetts received a bill on his as yet unused credit card stating that he owed $0.00. He threw it away. In April he received another and tossed that one, too. The following month the credit card company sent him a nasty note stating they were going to cancel his card if he didn't send them $0.00. In retrospect, he probably should have let
them do that. Instead he called the company and was informed that (are you ready for this?) the problem was the result of a computer error. They told him they'd take care of it. The following month he reasoned that, if other charges appeared on the card, then it would put an end to his ridiculous predicament. Besides, they assured him the problem would be resolved. So he presented his card for a purchase. It was declined.
Once again he called. He learned that the credit card had been canceled for lack of payment. They apologized for (here it is again) another computer error and promised they would rectify the situation.

The next day he got a bill for $0.00 stating that payment was now
overdue. Assuming that this bill was yet another mistake, he ignored it. But the following month he received yet another bill for $0.00 stating that he had ten days to pay his account in
full or the company would take necessary steps to recover the debt. He gave in. He mailed in a check for $0.00. The computer duly processed it and returned a statement to the effect that his account was paid in full.

A week later, the man's bank called him asking him why he wrote a check for $0.00. He explained the problem at length. The bank replied that the $0.00 check had caused their check processing software to fail. The bank could not now process ANY checks from ANY of their customers that day because the check for $0.00 caused a computer crash.

The following month the man received a letter from the credit card
company claiming that his check had bounced, that he still owed $0.00 and, unless payment was sent immediately, they would institute procedures to collect this debt.

This man, who had been considering buying his wife a computer for her birthday, bought her a typewriter instead.
 

Randy

Super Moderator
A letter from President Bush

The President of the United States
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC February 19, 2002

Dear Concerned Citizen:

Thank you for your recent letter roundly criticizing our treatment of the Taliban and Al Qaida detainees currently being held at Guantanamo Bay,Cuba. My administration takes these matters seriously, and your opinion was heard loud and clear here in Washington.

You'll be pleased to learn that, thanks to the concerns of citizens like you, we are creating a new division of the Terrorist Retraining Program, to be called the "Doves Offering to Restrain Killers" program, or DORK for short.

In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided to place one terrorist under your personal care. Your personal detainee has been selected and scheduled for transportation under heavily-armed guard to your residence next Monday.

Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud (you can just call him Ahmed) is to be cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your letter of admonishment. It will likely be necessary for you to hire some assistant caretakers. We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of care for Ahmed are commensurate with those you so strongly recommended in your letter.

Ahmed's meal requirements are simple, but we strongly suggest serving meals that do not require utensils, particularly knives and forks. Also, these should be "one-handed" foods; Ahmed will not eat with his left hand since he uses it to wipe himself after purging his bowels (which he will do in your yard) but look on the bright side... no increase in the toilet paper bill!

He generally bathes quarterly with the change of seasons, assuming that it rains. And he washes his clothes simultaneously. This should help with your water bill. Also, your new friend has a really bad case of body lice that hasn't been completely remedied.

Please heed the large orange notice attached to your detainee's cage: "Does not play well with others." Although Ahmed is sociopathic and extremely violent, we hope that your sensitivity to what you described as his "attitudinal problem" will help him overcome these character flaws.

Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural differences. He will bite you, given the chance, but his rabies test came back negative so not to worry. We understand that you plan to offer counseling and home schooling.

Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or nail clippers. We do not suggest that you ask him to demonstrate these skills at your next yoga group.

He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices from common household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked up, unless (in your opinion) this might offend him.

Ahmed will not wish to interact with your wife or daughters (except sexually) since he views females as a sub-human form of property. However, he will be eager to assist with the education of your sons; have available for their use several copies of the Q'uran. Oh - and rest assured that he absolutely loves animals, especially cats. He prefers them roasted, but raw is fine, too, if they aren't more than 2 or 3 days dead.

Thanks again for your letter. We truly appreciate it when folks like
you, who know so much, keep us informed of the proper way to do our job. We think this watching over each other's shoulder is such a good way for people to interact that we will be sending a team of federal officials with expertise in your line of work to your place of business soon, just to help you do your job better.

Don't be concerned that they have the power to close your business, seize your property, and arrest you for any violation of the 4,850,206 federal laws, codes, regulations and rules that apply to your profession. They're really there just to make sure you're doing everything the proper way. That is what you wanted, right?

Well, thank you for this opportunity to interact with such a valued
member of the citizenry. You take good care of Ahmed - and
remember.......we'll be watching.

Cordially,

George W. Bush
 
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