The Elsmar Cove "Humour Thread" - CAUTION - 'Big Kid' Content

A

Andy Bassett

Brit Bashing Continues

George Farthing, an expatriate British man living in America, was
recently diagnosed as clinically depressed, tanked up on anti-depressants and scheduled for controversial Shock Therapy when doctors realised he wasn't depressed at all - only British. 'Not depressed, just British' Mr Farthing,
a British man whose characteristic pessimism and gloomy perspective were interpreted as serious clinical depression, was led on a nightmare journey through the American psychiatric system. Doctors describe Mr Farthing as suffering with Pervasive Negative Anticipation - a belief that everything will turn out for the worst, whether it's trains arriving late,
England's chances at winning any international sports event or even his own prospects to get ahead in life and achieve his dreams.

"The satisfaction Mr Farthing seemed to get from his pessimism seemed particularly pathological," reported the doctors. "They put me on everything - Lithium, Prozac, St John's Wort," said Mr Farthing. "They even told me to sit in front of a big light for an hour a day or I'd become suicidal. I kept telling them this was all pointless and they said that it was exactly that sort of attitude that got me here in the first place."

Running out of ideas, his doctors finally resorted to a course of
"weapons grade MDMA", the only noticeable effect of which was six hours of speedy repetitions of the phrases "mustn't grumble" and "not too bad, really".It was then that Mr Farthing was referred to a psychotherapist.

"Suicidal?" Dr Isaac Horney explored Mr Farthing's family history and couldn't believe his ears. "His story of a childhood growing up in a grey little town where it rained every day, treeless streets of identical houses and passionately backing a football team who never won, seemed to be typical depressive ideation or false memory. Mr Farthing had six months of therapy but seemed to mainly want to talk about the weather - how miserable and
cold it was in winter and later how difficult and hot it was in summer. I felt he wasn't responding to therapy at all and so I recommended drastic action namely ECT or shock treatment".

"I was all strapped down on the table and they were about to put the rubber bit in my mouth when the psychiatric nurse picked up on my accent," said Mr Farthing. "I remember her saying 'Oh my God, I think we're making a terrible mistake'."

Nurse Alice Sheen was a big fan of British comedy giving her an
understanding of the British psyche. "Classic comedy characters like Tony Hancock, Albert Steptoe and Frank Spencer are all hopeless cases with no chance of ever doing well or escaping their circumstances," she explained to the baffled US medics. "That's funny in Britain and is not seen as pathological at all."

Identifying Mr Farthing as British changed his diagnosis from 'clinical depression' to 'rather quaint and charming' and he was immediately discharged from hospital, with a selection of brightly coloured leaflets and an "I love New York" T-shirt.
 
Elsmar Forum Sponsor
E

energy

Oh Andy

I have tears in my eyes and the girl in the next office thought I was crazy. Only an Irishman could get away with it! Great One.
:vfunny: :biglaugh: :vfunny: :biglaugh: :smokin:
 
J

JodiB

enter at your own risk

Yesterday there was an email exchange in our office where the office mgr/secretary asked the men to please clean up after themselves if they could not refrain from using the ladies room. A VP replied and asked various questions relating to the position the seat should be left in, etc. and followed by asking if Lucinda had a work instruction for this in our QMS.

It only took me 20 minutes to wack this out and reply "well, actually we do....." and attach. About an hour later the VP got on the intercom and announced that potty training would be given for all male staffers under the supervision of QM Lucinda promptly at 3:30.

Guess it's one of those things where you just had to be there....
 
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J

Jamie

Lucinda,

That was hilarious! Yesterday someone posted a sticky note on the wall in front of the toilet in our office reading "Please be kind....Flush when you are finished." Hope you don't mind, I had to send that work instruction around our office as well! Office politics, you just have to love them.

:biglaugh: :vfunny: :biglaugh:

Jamie
 
J

JodiB

Sure, have fun with it ..but I noticed that I failed to remove our company name from one place in the scope. Could ya'll do that before sending it around please? Don't want to get myself in any trouble here!:bonk: :biglaugh:
Edit:
Well, I went into my post above to delete the first attachment and to attach the procedure without the company name and now that I deleted it, it won't let me go back in and add the attachment again. Sooo, I'll post again...
 
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J
Excellent

Lucinda,
Truely Excellent. I had to print it out too. Since we are currently preparing documentation for QS I am thinking of using it for a good laugh and maybe some training.

Thanks a Lot.

James
 

Marc

Hunkered Down for the Duration with a Mask on...
Staff member
Admin
<center> eye%20in%20knot%20hole.gif <br>Is that you, JRKH? I see Lucinda up there trying to get her files straight.</center>
 
J
Marc said:

<center> eye%20in%20knot%20hole.gif <br>Is that you, JRKH? I see Lucinda up there trying to get her files straight.</center>
:thedeal:

Yep Das Me alright.

Sure has been a quiet weekend here on the cove. Must be beautiful weather everywhere. Spent my weekend puttering around the yard. - Or what passes for a yard. - Well it's gonna be a yard some day. In the meantime lots of fun playtime (and stress relief) :D :D
 

Mike S.

Happy to be Alive
Trusted Information Resource
Subject: Opening lines to really bad novels

Here are the 10 winners of this year's Bulwer-Lytton contest, wherein one writes the opening sentence of a bad novel. (The contest is named for the Victorian author Edward George Bulwer-Lytton, who is famous - or is it infamous - for writing the novel that began "It was a dark and stormy night.")


10. As a scientist, Throckmorton knew that if he were ever to break wind in the echo chamber, he would never hear the end of it.


9. Just beyond the Narrows the river widens.


8. With a curvaceous figure that Venus would have envied, a tanned, unblemished oval face framed with lustrous thick brown hair, deep azure-blue eyes fringed with long black lashes, perfect teeth that vied for competition, and a small straight nose, Marilee had a beauty that defied description.


7. Andre, a simple peasant, had only one thing on his mind as he crept along the east wall: Andre creep... Andre creep... Andre creep.



6. Stanislaus Smedley, a man always on the cutting edge of narcissism, was about to give his body and soul to a back-alley sex-change surgeon to become the woman he loved.


5. Although Ellen had an abnormal fear of mice, it did not keep her from eeking out a living at a local pet store.


4. Stanley looked quite bored and somewhat detached, but then penguins often do.


3. Like an overripe beefsteak tomato rimmed with cottage cheese, the corpulent remains of Santa Claus lay dead on the hotel floor.


2. Dick Hardware was the kind of private eye who didn't know the meaning of the word fear, a man who could laugh in the face of danger and spit in the eye of death - in short, a moron with suicidal tendencies.


AND THE WINNER IS...

1. The sun oozed over the horizon, shoved aside the darkness, crept along the greensward, and, with sickly fingers, pushed through the castle window, revealing the pillaged princess, hand at throat, crown asunder, gaping in frenzied horror at the sated, sodden amphibian lying beside her, disbelieving the magnitude of the frog's deception, screaming madly, "YOU LIED, YOU LIED!!!!!!!"
 
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