The Elsmar Cove "Humour Thread" - CAUTION - 'Big Kid' Content

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E

energy

#82
Rated R

One day in the future, Osama bin Laden has a heart attack and dies. He immediately goes to
hell, where the devil is waiting for him. "I don't know what to do here," says the devil.
"You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll
tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as
you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide
who leaves."

Osama thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.

The devil opened the first room; in it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He
kept diving in and surfacing empty handed -- over and over and over.
Such was his fate in hell.

No," bin Laden said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could
do that all day long."

The devil led him to the next room; in it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room
full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.
No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do
was break rocks all day," commented Osama bin Laden.

The devil opened a third door. In it, Osama saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his
arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread eagle pose. Bent over him was
Monica Lewinsky, doing her thing.
Osama bin Laden looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can
handle this."

The devil smiled and said, "OK, Monica, you're free to go."
 

Bubba

Involved In Discussions
#83
A matter of perspective

Prison Vs. Work Debate

IN PRISON...you spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
AT WORK...you spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.

IN PRISON...you get three meals a day.
AT WORK...you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON...you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK...you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

IN PRISON...a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK...you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.

IN PRISON...you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK...you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON...you get your own toilet.
AT WORK...you have to share.

IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK...you cannot even speak to your family and friends.

IN PRISON...all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required
AT WORK...you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON...you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.
AT WORK...you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON...there are wardens who are often sadistic.
AT WORK...they are called managers.
 
K

Ken K

#84
It's official...live from the NFL and CNN...

The Detroit Lions vs the Minnesota Vikings at the annual (ice?) fishing contest. Details are still sketchy but it seems a coin toss will determine which dome gets filled will water and fish for the outing.

Randy Moss will decide at half-time if he will participate...

Stay tuned as events unfold...now back to our regularly scheduled program...Days of our Lives.
 
M

Michael T

#85
If you're ever stuck....

If any of you ever get stuck on that interminable ride in Disney... you know the one - Not the Pirates.... here's a little ditty for you to while away the time while the tune drones endlessly into your skull... :bonk:

It's A Real World (After All) by Duck Logic
(parody of It's A Small World (After All)

"C'mon."
"Hey, ouch!" "
Let's do it!"
"Mmmmmm"
"Okay!"

It's a world of acne, a world of germs.
It's your brand new dog coming down with worms.
It's the notes being played
By a cockroach parade,
It's the real world after all.

It's a world of ulcers, a world of cysts.
It's the hole in the road that you never miss.
It's the cheap underwear
Creeping up to your hair,
It's the real world after all.

It's the real world after all,
It's the real world after all,
It's the real world after all,
It's the real world after all.

It's a world of hunger, a world of sin.
It's a million products to keep you thin.
It's machinery exhaust
Causing air to be lost.
It's the real world after all.

It's a world of stark mediocrity,
It's a world of mindless activity.
It's the little white lie
Inside Mom's apple pie,
It's the real world after all.

It's the real world after all,
Cold hard steel world after all,
Slimy eel world after all,
Well, it's the real world after all.

It's a world that's black and a world that's blue,
And you must duck logic to get you through.
It's the sudden attack
Of a knife in your back,
It's the real world after all.

It's the real world after all,
Spinning wheel world after all,
Cold hard steel world after all,
Well, it's the real world after all.

"Yeah!"
"That was great!"
"That was really a lot of fun!"
"I can't breathe."
"I've got blisters on my fingers."


Hope everyone has a great Monday.... :smokin: :biglaugh: :bigwave:
 
E

energy

#86
I'm bored!

A woman was sick of her husband's drinking, so she
decided to teach him a lesson. She dressed up like
Satan, and when her husband returned home from
another bender, she jumped out from behind the sofa
and screamed.

The man looked her over and calmly said.
"You don't scare me, I married your sister."


:ko: :smokin:
 
G

Greg Maggard

#87
Where do you guys come up with some of this stuff. You crack me up!
I was laughing so hard, the plant manager came in and pulled the plug on my computer:eek: JK
:biglaugh: Then he asked how can he get this website. He wants to send to his friend in Japan that speak english. I guess that would be a referral hehe:ko:
 

Kevin Mader

One of THE Original Covers!
Staff member
Admin
#88
Quality Folks tend to be…a bit different (some might say, Odd)! We have a screw or two loose, but we are otherwise, O.K.
 
L

Laura M

#89
Two atoms are taking a walk.

One atom says to the other "Hey I think I lost an electron."

The second atom says, "Are you sure?"

The first atom responds, "Yes, I'm positive!"

:rolleyes: :rolleyes:

*******************************

Did you get it right away or have to think about it?

:bonk:
 

Marc

Hunkered Down for the Duration with a Mask on...
Staff member
Admin
#90
Ah, chemistry jokes! I didn't expect to see any of those in here!
 
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