For those people considering a visit to the Salt Lake City Olympics, I offer this public service announcement:
Rules For Driving In Utah
1. A right lane construction closure is a game to see how many people can cut in line by passing you on the right as you sit in the left lane waiting for the same cars to squeeze their way back in before hitting the orange construction barrels.
2. Turn signals are clues as to your next move. It's important that you never use them.
3. Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, or the space will be filled in by somebody else putting you in an even more dangerous situation.
4. When in bumper-to-bumper traffic, when the guy in front of you stops, he's not breaking for a little old lady, he wants you to get out of the way so he can back into the parking spot to your immediate right.
5. Crossing two or more lanes at once is considered "going with the flow."
6. The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit.
7. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a nice relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to stretch your legs.
8. Construction signs tell you about road closures immediately after you pass the last exit before the traffic begins to back up.
9. The electronic traffic warning system signs are not there to provide useful information. They are only there to make Utah look high-tech and to distract you from seeing the Highway Patrol car parked in the median.
10. Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. It's a good way to keep people entering the highway on their toes.
11. Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as suggestions, and are apparently not enforceable on I-15.
12. Just because you're in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn't mean the guy in the BMW flashing his high beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot.
13. Despite the signs and suggestions that slower traffic keep to the right, Utah common sense keeps everyone in the left lane so that no one can go faster than everyone else. This helps us maintain equality.
14. Please remember that there is no such thing as a shortcut during rush hour traffic in Utah.
15. Always slow down and rubberneck when you see someone changing a tire or getting a traffic ticket.
16. Throwing litter on the roads adds variety to the landscape, keeps the existing litter from getting lonely, and gives I-15 sanitation crews something to clean up.
17. Everybody thinks their vehicle is better than yours, especially pickup truck drivers.
18. Learn to swerve abruptly. I-15 is the home of high-speed slalom competition, thanks to the guys who drive 90 in the 65 MPH zones. This tests drivers' reflexes and keeps them paying attention.
19. It is traditional in Utah to honk your horn at cars that don't move the instant the light changes.
20. Seeking eye contact with another driver revokes your right of way.
21. In Utah there is no "right" of way, here we have "left" of way.
22. Never take a green light at face value. Always look right and left before proceeding.
23. Real I-15 women can put on pantyhose at 75 MPH. Real I-15 men can talk on their cell phone, shave, eat doughnuts, and keep one hand on the radio dial.
Rules For Driving In Utah
1. A right lane construction closure is a game to see how many people can cut in line by passing you on the right as you sit in the left lane waiting for the same cars to squeeze their way back in before hitting the orange construction barrels.
2. Turn signals are clues as to your next move. It's important that you never use them.
3. Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, or the space will be filled in by somebody else putting you in an even more dangerous situation.
4. When in bumper-to-bumper traffic, when the guy in front of you stops, he's not breaking for a little old lady, he wants you to get out of the way so he can back into the parking spot to your immediate right.
5. Crossing two or more lanes at once is considered "going with the flow."
6. The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit.
7. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a nice relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to stretch your legs.
8. Construction signs tell you about road closures immediately after you pass the last exit before the traffic begins to back up.
9. The electronic traffic warning system signs are not there to provide useful information. They are only there to make Utah look high-tech and to distract you from seeing the Highway Patrol car parked in the median.
10. Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. It's a good way to keep people entering the highway on their toes.
11. Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as suggestions, and are apparently not enforceable on I-15.
12. Just because you're in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn't mean the guy in the BMW flashing his high beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot.
13. Despite the signs and suggestions that slower traffic keep to the right, Utah common sense keeps everyone in the left lane so that no one can go faster than everyone else. This helps us maintain equality.
14. Please remember that there is no such thing as a shortcut during rush hour traffic in Utah.
15. Always slow down and rubberneck when you see someone changing a tire or getting a traffic ticket.
16. Throwing litter on the roads adds variety to the landscape, keeps the existing litter from getting lonely, and gives I-15 sanitation crews something to clean up.
17. Everybody thinks their vehicle is better than yours, especially pickup truck drivers.
18. Learn to swerve abruptly. I-15 is the home of high-speed slalom competition, thanks to the guys who drive 90 in the 65 MPH zones. This tests drivers' reflexes and keeps them paying attention.
19. It is traditional in Utah to honk your horn at cars that don't move the instant the light changes.
20. Seeking eye contact with another driver revokes your right of way.
21. In Utah there is no "right" of way, here we have "left" of way.
22. Never take a green light at face value. Always look right and left before proceeding.
23. Real I-15 women can put on pantyhose at 75 MPH. Real I-15 men can talk on their cell phone, shave, eat doughnuts, and keep one hand on the radio dial.
