World's Funniest Audit Experiences

J

Jim Biz

#21
Our first registration audit (after opting to forgo a pre-registration overview.)

It was our plan to have but 1 authorized set of documents - keep neatly controlled in a bullet proof free standing computer.

We issued Red stamped UNCONTROLLED copies through - the shop to make the information "readily" available. Of course we provided our external registrars with the same information.

They decided that our documents were not controlled because the paper was white & no red controlled stamp was on them.

We printed a single set that evening & then asked them to return the "uncontrolled" copies they were provided so they could be destroyed.

They spent the next two days running back & forth to the single controlled set. We would not allow it to be removed from the office. At the exit meeting they remarked with a broad smile that they should maybe have waited to make this point on the last day of the audit.

Regards
Jim
 
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Hershal

Metrologist-Auditor
Staff member
Super Moderator
#22
This one comes from a friend of mine......

He was going through a FDA audit, explaining to the auditor about the enzymes they were extracting from the ovaries of hamsters.....the auditor asked where his master (standard reference) hamster was.......
 

Randy

Super Moderator
#23
I had a middle aged lady pass out and hit the floor when I walked up and was introduced to her...Apparently the client had over emphasized how important the audit was..
 
C

C Emmons

#24
Prior to our registration audit in 1999 we decided to order all of the guys in the warehouse and our drivers T-Shirts with the mission statement/quality policy printed on it. Now we have several company events that we order the same gray t-shirts for every year. Golf outings, picnics etc. Had a warehouse worker wake up with a hangover and dressed in an old T-Shirt. When the auditor asked him what our mission statement was, he proudly exclaimed Company picnic 1999. (Yes it is a true story)
 
S

SteelWoman

#25
We had a customer audit where the guy wrote us up because he noticed that some documents had the document control number on the top of the page, whereas some forms because of the layout of the form had the doc control number on the bottom of the page.

I'm still shaking my head about that one......
 

gpainter

Quite Involved in Discussions
#26
During our registration audit we had two auditors that apparently came in as friends. The one was our lead and the other was used to being lead. They had a disagreement and it became loud. The Quality Manager and I were asked to leave the room. The one said, " Well, what do you want them to do?" You had to be there!!!
 

RoxaneB

Super Moderator
Super Moderator
#27
Short Story #1

Just started the job and was preparing for a surveillance audit. During the opening meeting, the Lead Auditor asked us all to introduce ourselves (name, position, length of time with the company) as this was also a 'passing of the torch' audit to a new Auditor.

"John Doe, XXX Manager, 10 years."

"Jane Brown, YYY Manager, 13 years."

"Jason Smith, ZZZ Manager, 9 years."

"Roxane Beyette. Quality Assurance Coordinator. 10 days."

The Lead Auditor looked right at me (the horror stories I had heard about him prior to the visit had me shaking!) and said. "Ah.....you're the scapegoat. We'll blame everything we find on you." I just sat there and blinked.

FYI, four years have passed and I'm still here.....he's never come back. :)

Short Story #2

Auditor asking that useless question of "What's your Quality Policy?"

Responses included:

"Quality is job 1!"....sounds good, except we weren't Ford.

"Quality means I get to keep my job and that's important cuz I have stock in this company!"

"Quality means that if someone gets killed, it's my fault!" (he programmed the signs on the bus destination windows....you know the things that say 'Garage' or 'Out of Service'....not brakes or steering)

Needless to say, the Auditor thought that we could improve upon our knowledge and communication of the Policy.

Short Story #3

I had trained and trained and trained the guys on the floor to answer only what they were asked during an audit. Never expand. Never volunteer.

Auditor: Do you have a Quality Policy?

Employee: Yes.

A: Do you understand your Quality Policy?

E: Yes.

A: (getting a little annoyed) Can you tell me your Quality Policy?

E: Yes.

A: (very annoyed) What is your Quality Policy?

Employee successfully answered.

Short Story #4

Auditing on July 1 in the US...a Canadian statutory holiday.

Me: (to a former coworker who now works in the US) Hey! Happy Canada Day! I see your working the stat.

(a bit later)

A coworker nearby: What's Canada Day?

Me (smiling and looking at Auditor - we had discussed that this would happen earlier at breakfast in the hotel): It's like your 4th of July but for Canada.

Coworker: Cool! Do you have fireworks?

Me: No. We just sit in our basements with all of the lights turned off.

Coworker: Oh.

I wonder how many people she told that to.....

Short Story #5

Auditor: Have you had training to do your job?

Employee: Oh yes! I've had lots of training. In fact, I've had so much training, I forget what I've been trained on!

Auditor: Well, that's good...all that training will look good on your resume.

Employee: (sudden panic) Why? Am I going somewhere? Have I been fired?

Short Story #6

I never did figure this one out.....the auditor never questioned why Production's tape measures (those used to actually build the product) were inspected to +/- 1/8" but those of us in Engineering who took care of tooling and processes had to be inspected to +/- 1/16".

Short Story #7

Auditor: According to the sticker, the next calibration is due today.

QC Manager: It is. But I cancelled the guy coming in.

Auditor: Why?

QC Manager: Because you're here.

Auditor: So, do you stop making product just because I'm here?

QC Manager: No...but we make the stuff we know we won't screw up on.

Short Story #8

Auditor: What do you do when that (an abnormality we were talking about) happens?

Employee: Do you want to know what we're supposed to do or what we really do?

Auditor: Never mind.

***

And that's all that comes to mind right now, folks....
 
S

Sirlard

#28
This is a little off the topic, but is quality related. I was working at the time, late seventies, as a 1st shift machining supervisor. One morning I came in to find most of the entire production, close to 500 armature shafts from one manual turret lathe being defective. When 2nd shift reported to work I was present when the 2nd shift supervisor questioned the machine operator as to why there were so many defective parts. The operator was new, only a few days on the job. He explained how the set-up man had instructed him of the need to check every fifth part for the dimension which happened to be the cause for the parts being defective. It was our procedure to segregate the parts inspected as a means to assure the frequency inspections were being done. The operator said he really didn’t know how the set-up man knew every fifth part was going to be bad and to set it aside. This is an example of poor training,follow up, not to mention lack of intelligence.
 
J

jaimezepeda

#29
SteelMaiden said:
He saw a guy walking and said that he would like to ask him about our quality policy. Before I could stop him, he had the man cornered and was asking about the quality policy....

The auditor asked the man to sign the interview sheet and we walked away as he repeated once again how knowledgeable our employees were. I just did not have the heart to tell him he'd just interviewed one of our customers' truck drivers, in for his daily pick-up.
This one is the funniest one in my opinion. I wish I could have been there.

While I don't have a funny story I did have an experience that made me go "MMMMH!!"

During our registration audit to ISO 9001:2000 our external auditor began his opening meeting with the following:
"Auditors are not calibrated."

I understood what the auditor meant. Unfortunately, all of the managers and Top Management in the meeting had no clue what the auditor was talking about.

We got our registration so I guess that's what counts.
 
N
#30
Story One:

Despite warnings about safety equipment from yours truly our previous registrar managed to send us an inexperienced young female auditor who managed to turn up to a heavy industrial site in medium heel shoes, unprofessionally short skirt and no safety boots. I can't say for certain (but I have a real good sense for these things) but she walked like she had put herself through school as an exotic dancer. ;) Now company safety rules are rules, you can tour our facilities if you stay between the yellow lines without safety boots as long as you have external safety toe caps on. We hadn't been in the mill for more than 30 seconds before the "attention hot babe on the premises" secret code goes out over the intercom. Typically, employees avoid auditors like they have the plague but strangely in this case a crowd quickly formed. Picture this, auditor in red fashion shoes with large yellow plastic toe caps trying to audit a facility from the tourist lines with hordes of gawking operators bending over backwards to bring her SOPs and records. Needless to say it wasn't very effective and that was her one and only visit to our facility. Pretty sure production levels were lower than normal that morning too. For weeks afterward operators were asking me when the next audit was.

Story two:

Training internal auditor team for a multi-national automotive parts company onsite. Unbeknownst to me the Head of Corporate quality had flown in to secretly witness the audit. This branch made rear window package shelves and under carpet sound dampening padding (mastico backing). They used mylars to inspect the padding to make sure it was cut-out to the right shape and dimensions. On the off shifts if a mylar got damaged or worn they had a stash of cardboard cutouts they used to trace a new mylar and they then faked the approvals. The internal audits stumbled across an example, wrote up a major CAR and brought this cardboard cutout to the final meeting. At the final meeting the plant manager started arguing vehemently that this was just a production set-up aid, nothing to do with inspection. At which point the internal auditor flipped the card board over and written in big black permanent marker was the instruction "Don't ever let an auditor see this", signed by the inspection foreman. :biglaugh: Fortunately, the corporate quality head saw the humour in this and was highly complimentary to the internal auditors and gave us more work training auditors all over the corporation.

Story 3:

Female internal auditor from corporate stumbles across the very remote field shipping shed. In flagrant violation of company policy the shed is wall papered in centrefolds and page 3 girls. After checking some load tallies she looks around the shed, shakes her head and says this just won't do. She gets out a blank CAR form and writes on it, " shipping sheds contains evidence of systematic driscimination against brunettes" and gives it to the gobsmacked shipping foreman and tells him next audit there had better be 50% non-blondes on the wall or else. :lmao: She made her point very diplomatically, needless to say all the pictures were gone by next visit.
 
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