More Dumb Jokes - Adults Only Please!!!

[little__cee]

Commercial

Good thing we have a disclaimer at the head of this thread that it is for adults only. I sure would hate to be the one to explain these jokes to my 12-year-old granddaughter!

Wes,

There is a commercial on Animal Planet which describes an upcoming show about horse riding and they describe one person as, "Niko, the hottie".

Imagine how much fun I had telling my 5 year old and 3 year old girls what a "hottie" is! My definition left a lot to be desired but they haven't brought the subject up again.

 

[Ken K]

A blonde is taking a hike and comes upon a river. She looks to the other side and sees another blonde sitting on a park bench.

She yells over "How do I get to the other side?"

The other blonde gets off the bench and walks to the river bank. She looks upstream and then downstream. She then yells over to the other blonde "you are on the other side."

 

[Al Rosen]

Speaking of blondes

Amy, a blond Texas girl from the city, marries a Texas rancher. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy, "The artificial insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the two-by-four just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, okay?"

The rancher leaves for the fields. After a while the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along a long row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, "This is the one ... right here.

Terribly impressed by what he assumed was just another ditzy blond, the man asks, "How did you know this is the cow to be bred?" "That's simple-- by the nail over its stall," Amy explains. Then the man asks, "What's the nail for?" As she walks away, she turns her head back over her shoulder & says to the man, "I guess it's to hang your pants on!"

 

[Kevin H]

Ouch Al, that one really hurt!

I got the attached picture from a friend who's a blacksmith - somehow he seems to get and distribute some of the best stuff. I consider this one to be mildly adult - but it's definitely fits the description of one picture is worth a thousand words.

 

[Cari Spears]

Can you take one more blonde joke?

It's a good one.

 

[Al Rosen]

Excellent, Cari.

 

[Al Rosen]

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said,"Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want." The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honour and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says 'nothing's wrong', and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

 

[errhine]

A Cold Winter

It was autumn, and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society he had never been taught the old secrets, so when he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the weather was going to be.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood to be prepared.

But also being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?'

'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed,' the Meteorologist at the weather service responded. So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.

One week later he called the National Weather Service again. 'Is it going to be a very cold winter?'
'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replied, 'it's going to be a very cold winter.'

The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect Every scrap of wood they could find.

Two weeks later he called the National Weather Service again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'
'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's going to be one of the coldest winters ever.'

'How can you be so sure?' the Chief asked.
The weatherman replied, 'The Indians are collecting wood like crazy!'

 

[Ajit Basrur]

Hi,

Hi all, these are some good jokes which could be extended as Corporate Lessons -

CORPORATE LESSON # 1


A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour.


Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 just to drop that towel that you have on". After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. Bob has a close look at her for a few seconds, hands over $800 and quietly leaves.


Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in the towel and goes upstairs. When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower "Who was that?"


"It was Bob the next door neighbour," she replies.


"Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"


MORAL OF THE STORY:
Share critical credit information with your stakeholders to prevent avoidable exposure!


CORPORATE LESSON # 2


A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road; he stopped and offered her a lift which she gladly accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember psalm 129?"


The priest was flustered and apologized profusely.


He forced himself to remove his hand. However, he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg.


Further on, while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember psalm 129?"


Once again the priest apologized. "Sorry sister, but the mind is weak."


Arriving at the convent, the nun got out, gave him a meaningful glance and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up psalm 129. It Said," Go forth and seek; further up, you will find glory."


MORAL OF THE STORY:
Always be well informed in your job; or, you might miss great Opportunities!



CORPORATE LESSON # 3


There were these 4 guys, a Russian, a German, an American and a French, who found this small genie bottle. When they rubbed the bottle, a genie appears. Thankful that the 4 guys had released him out of the bottle, he said, "Next to you all are 4 swimming pools, I will give each of you a wish. When you run towards the pool and jump, you shout what you want the pool of water to become, then your wish will come true."


The French wanted to start. He ran towards the pool, jumped and shouted WINE". The pool immediately changed into a pool of wine. The Frenchman was
so happy swimming and drinking from the pool.


Next is the Russian's turn, he did the same and shouted, "VODKA" and immersed himself into a pool of vodka.


The German was next and he jumped and shouted, "BEER". He was so contented with his beer pool.


The last is the American. He was running towards the pool when suddenly he steps on a banana peel. He slipped towards the pool and shouted, "SH**!!!!!!!........."


MORAL OF THE STORY:
Mind your language, you never Know what it will land you in.

 

[W. de Jong]

A blonde is in need of money so she decides to do chores for people. In order to make more she is taking off to the better suburbs of the town. She rings the doorbell at a nice mansion, a man opens the door. "Do you have any chores you want me to do?" she asks. The man says no but then his wife in the background reminds him that the porch needs a paint job. The man thinks that's a great idea. He says "Did you hear that? You can find the white paint and brushes and everything you need in the garage."
They agree on her payment and she's off to the garage. A few hours later the doorbell rings again, the man opens the door and the blonde says that she finished the job. "okay, come on in, i'll get you your money." The man pays her and askes her if it went alright. She replies as she is walking out the door "Yeah sure, I thought it was pretty the way it was, all red, but customer is king, but anyway you should tell your wife it's a Ferrari not a Porsche."